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Toxic Custard Workshop Files #21- #25
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____________________________________________________________________________
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
*******************PARTS TWENTY-ONE TO TWENTY-FIVE**************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
______________________________________________________________________________
21 Today, 21 Today
TOXIC MUTANT NINJA CUSTARD
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Toxic Custard Workshop Files Number 21 - 31st October 1990
Written by Raymond Luxury-Yacht ([email protected])
AND NOW, DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
LENNOX: Good-morrow, noble sir.
MACBETH: Mornin' all, have a good kip?
MACDUFF: Is the king stirring, worthy thane?
MACBETH: Nope, he got a bit piddly last night.
MACDUFF: He did command me to call timely on him; I have almost slipped
the hour.
MACBETH: Cripes, well I'm not waking up the king; he'll have my head
lopped off!
MACDUFF: I know this is a joyful trouble to you; But yet 'tis one.
MACBETH: Yeah well.... someone's gotta wake up the old git. This is the door.
I'll go and put the kettle on.
MACDUFF: I'll make to bold to call, For 'tis my limited service. [HE GOES IN]
LENNOX: Goes the king hence to-day?
MACBETH: Yeah, that's what it says in his appointment diary.
LENNOX: The night has been unruly: where we lay,
our chimneys were blown down, and as they say,
Lamentings heard i'th'air, strange screams of death,
And prophesying with accents terrible
Of dire combustion and confused events
New hatched to th'woeful time. The obscure bird
Clamoured the livelong night: some say, the earth
Was feverous and did shake.
MACBETH: Yeah, I was pissed too.
LENNOX: My young remembrance cannot parallel a fellow to it.
[MACDUFF RETURNS]
MACDUFF: O horror! horror! horror! Tongue, nor heart,
Cannot conceive nor name thee!
MACBETH, LENNOX: What's the matter?
MACDUFF: Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!
Most sacrilegious murder hath broke ope
The Lord's anointed temple, and stole thence
The life o'th' building.
MACBETH: Come again?
LENNOX: Mean you his majesty?
MACDUFF: Approach the chamber, and destroy your sight
With a new Gorgon: do not bid me speak;
See, and then speak yourselves.
MACBETH: Oh shit... And we only just had the carpet steam-cleaned.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WELCOME BACK. AND NOW WE CROSS LIVE TO SCOTLAND, WHERE JONATHON DIMBLEBY IS ON
THE SCENE, WAITING TO FILL US IN ON THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS ON THE MURDER OF
THE KING.
JONATHON: Thank you Richard. I have with me here a nobleman of Scotland, in
fact the man who found the murdered king. Mr Macduff, what has
happened here?
MACDUFF: Murder and treason! Look on death itself! up, up and see
The great doom's image!
As from your graves rise up, and walk like sprites,
To countenance this horror!
JONATHON: I see. Well, also here is Mr Lennox, another nobleman of Scotland.
LENNOX: Aghast I stood as I surveyed the scene
Of the horror of this day.
Though the murderer is not found,
Mayhaps he is closer than we think.
JONATHON: And finally, Mr Macbeth. Any comment to make?
MACBETH: Yes Jonathon. Although it does look at first glance that the king has
been brutally murdered, I have inspected the situation, and it looks
very much to me as if the rats got him.
JONATHON: Rats?
MACBETH: Yes Jonathon, rats. After all, we must remember that this is the
middle ages, and that beubonic plague is commonplace.
JONATHON: Yes, well, on that note, back to the studio.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOT COMING SOON:
ATTILA THE BAR-STOOL
PROBABLY COMING SOON:
MARK ANTHONY THRILLS THE CROWDS WITH HIS HIGHLY ORIGINAL SOUND
_______________________________________________________________________________
RIP Good Taste.
FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN. LEND ME YOUR EARS.
Yes, I see. And this loan is to be secured by the deposit of thirty percent
of your net tangible assets for the loan period is it?
********************************************
* Toxic Custard Workshop Files *
* Number 22 *
* 5th November 1990 *
********************************************
WATCH THIS EPISODE CAREFULLY because somewhere
in it there is a concealed political message!
S P O R T - R E P O R T - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You're reading the Toxic Custard Sports Machine! And welcome one and all
to the 1990 SUICIDE OLYMPICS. Yesterday provided some great deaths, and
unfortunately they were so successful that of the original 50
competitors, there are only two left. Before we see the finalists play
it off, here are some of the highlights from yesterday's competition.
- Australian Bruce Fosters got completely pissed and climbed into the
cab of his semi-trailer to go on to a stunning death on the Pacific
Highway in Queensland, unfortunately taking most of a fifteen
interstate-coach convoy with him.
- US giant athlete Ralph Yankovich had three attempts before his
strategy of lunch at a McDonalds restaurant in Florida paid off. On the
third attempt, known mad gunman Arnold Psychopath (a member of the
Florida Union of Criminal Killers; and a gun-lobby activist) entered and
shot him. US team strategists say that if it hadn't happened by Ralph's
fifth attempt, the food would have killed him anyway.
- Englishman Dave "Killer" Pomson managed to breathe in the smoke from a
world-record seventy-five packets of cigarettes yesterday in a
university common-room, and doctors pronounced him dead of lung-cancer
late last night.
At the conclusion of yesterday's competition, the only finalists left
alive were *THE LABOR PARTY ARE TWATS, AND THE LIBERAL/NATIONAL
COALITION ARE MORONS* two Irishmen, Mickey O'Thickhead and Paddy Cell.
Team officials announced this morning the details of today's attempts to
kill themselves.
- Mickey O'Thickhead will watch sixteen hours of Channel Ten
transmissions. Experts don't expect him to last more than five hours at
the most. Some have estimated that he will be brain-dead within the
first hour.
- Paddy Cell will return to his native Belfast, sporting an
orange-coloured "I Love Ian Paisley" T-Shirt.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 1990 SUICIDE OLYMPICS ARE PROUDLY SPONSORED BY
/\/\uckDonald's "Good time, great taste
All in a CFC lined case"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOMORROW'S MELBOURNE CUP CERTAINTY:
Salman Rushdie won't be riding the winner.
NEXT ISSUE: Mark Anthony & The Credits
_______________________________________________________________________________
MONASH UNIVERSITY - NEW EXAMINATION REGULATIONS REF:T23-071190
-----------------------------------------------------
All students should take note of the following additional and modified
examination regulations.
1. Candidates must not attempt revision earlier than thirty (30) minutes before
the scheduled start of an examination.
2. Candidates must miss their trains on the way to examinations or not be able
to find a parking space if they are driving.
3. Room allocation for candidates will be posted up precisely five (5) minutes
after the examination has begun.
4. Examination supervisors must be a minimum of sixty-five (65) years of age,
completely deaf, totally ignorant of the subject being examined, and unable to
spot a raised hand at a distance of more than two (2) metres.
5. No matter how hard they try to find a decent table, all candidates will end
up sitting at one with a minimum of one leg a different length to the others.
Candidates are advised to seek the attention of an examination supervisor by
dancing on the table, until a supervisor comes and attempts unsuccessfully to
alleviate the situation with piles and piles of folded-up bits of paper.
6. Strictly no talking is permitted in the examination room. Well, all right,
you can talk until the old geezer says "Start reading". But not after that.
From that point onwards, a variety of hand-signals and facial expressions may
be employed.
7. Dropped pens must roll a minimum of three (3) metres, generally under
someone else's desk. No spare pens will be available.
8. During Reading Time, no writing whatsoever is permitted. However, for
multiple-choice questions, a calculator in hexidecimal mode may be employed,
for later transcription of answers into the answer booklet. An alternative is a
nice sharp fingernail.
9. Lecturers for examined subjects will be almost impossible to get hold of,
and when the candidate does get to speak to them, they won't know what the
candidate is talking about.
10. The typographical error quota this semester is three (3) per page.
OHNOIT'SREALLYTOXICCUSTARDWORKSHOPFILESNUMBERTWENTYTHREEWHAT'SHAPPENEDTOTHE
SPACEKEYOHNO,IT'SBROKENHOLDONI'LLTRYTHETABKEYINSTEAD
AH THAT'S A BIT BETTER NEVER MIND, ON WITH
THE FILE OH GOD NOT MORE SHAKESPEARE
ANTONY: Friends, Romans, countrymens lend me your ears;
I come to praise Caesar, not to bury him;
The lives that men do evil after them,
The bones is oft good with their interred,
So noble it be with Brutus.... the let Caesar
Ambitious told you hath wash Caesar
If it were so, hic was a grevious fault,
And anshered greviously Caesared hath it....
Here hear, under Brutush of leave and rest the
(For Brutush he's an honouraball man
Sho are they all; all all all all all very honourable men indeed yes)
Comes I to shpeak in Caeshar's funeral
He wash my fiend, faithful and just to me, oh yes he was... always
But Brutus saids he was amb... amb... ambithouse?
And Brutus is an honourable man... I've said that, haven't I
But God I loves Caesar; 'cos he was my mate...
PLEBEIAN 1: Methinks there is much reason in his sayings.
PLEBEIAN 2: You reckon? I'd say he's shit-faced.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SHORT JOKES DEPT
----------------
New toxic, ozone-depleting, environment un-friendly
**FLAVOURED AIR** Now available from Nippon-Murdoch Pty Ltd
GARDENING TIP
Install a bird feeding post. This will-
- support the local bird population
- get rid of those pesky slugs naturally, but most of all
- save on cat food
MEET GOD IN PERSON!
This Thursday from 12-2pm, God will be signing copies of his new single, "I
Don't Like Fridays" in the record department at Myer Southland.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Toxic's back.. and it's not funny.
+----+----+ +--------+ + + +---------+ +----+ + +
| | | | | | | |
| | | + | +------+ +----+ +----+
| | | | | | | |
+ +--------+ +----+----+ + +----+ +
T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S 2 6 N O V
'ere, what the
INGREDIENTS: 'ell is a Nov?
Benzidrine, flouro-wancezine-mega-carbonate, hyper-concentrate-thingy, a
joke, some stuff, chemical additive U.G.H. (Under-Graduate Humour), and
Mango Milkshake. Laugh compatible. Do not over-quote or paraphrase. Do
not expose to delete command.
THE METROPOLITAN TRANSIT AUTHORITY is pleased to announce the new
transport zoning system for the Melbourne metropolitan area, which we
have been working on ever since the last zoning system came into effect.
The new system will consist of not three, but forty-seven zones. To work
out which zone you are in, take the page number of the Melways
street-directory you are in and call it 'x'.
Your zone = int ((x * tan (x) ^ 2 ) mod 47) + 1
The zones are not actually numbered, but are named after colours. Whereas
in the old system the zones were 1, 2 and 3 (or yellow, blue and red),
the new system consists of zones named blue, navy blue, light blue,
electric blue, royal blue, red, bright red, pink, burgundy and so on.
The bus and tram numbering system has also been changed. These will now
be known by the names of animals. So, to go from Carnegie to the city,
you now need to catch the giraffe tram. If you wish to go by bus, you
could get the grasshopper and change to an ostrich at Hotham Street, blue
zone. Your ticket will need to be valid in zones blue, bright red, pink,
mauve, gold, bottle green and paisley.
AND NOW A REPORT ON THE SNAIL TOLL
The snail toll this year has risen to 382,272; more than 20,000 higher
than this time last year. Experts from the RSPCA accident research unit
and "Gardening Australia" say that if little more rain is present for the
rest of the year, the year's toll may be no higher than last year's
total.
Joe Wheelbarrow, RSPCA spokesman said "It's a matter of public
education. These snails must be taught not to go out onto the paths of
this city straight after rain, only to be squashed flat by a drunk in
charge of a shoe."
COMING UP NEXT WEEK... THE NEWT TOLL
"THE FINAL SOLUTION"
by Prof Yoshe Cohen
A new and dynamic look at calculus
HOW MUCH OF A COMPUTER DAG ARE YOU?
How many people that you see regularly do you talk to more often
electronically than face-to-face?
THE BEST SOFTWARE FOR THE LUNATIC COMPUTER USER...
"StuffED" Text Editor - special features:
- Language bias module: Won't edit COBOL source-code
- AutoCorrupt (tm)
- Count bugs in editor
- Multi-user/one file "Edit Wars"
And remember; eat all your ^s
© 1990 Daniel Bowen.
But who'd wanna copy this crap anyway?
(Except for Henry Cate.)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Mundane Issue.
Mundane Productions Present
A Boring Feature
Live, from Melbourne, Australia
(Boring capital of the world)
(Well, okay then, it's Nova Scotia really)
__
__|__ __ |__ Silver episode#25. In other words,
| OXIC | USTARD | |ORKSHOP | ILES whilst reading this, paint yourself
| |__ |_|_| 3/12/90 | with silver. (Is that right?)
By Raymond Luxury-Yacht ([email protected])
A NEW SUGGESTION FOR COMBATTING THE POPULATION EXPLOSION
- Compulsory execution of little sisters
THE ECONOMY
The trade figures for the month of October 1990 were
released recently, and it has been revealed that the Trade
Deficit for 43 South Street has increased for the third month
in a row. This means that the Taylor family are now officially
in a recession.
Mr John Taylor commented that the recent capital
requisition programme (a lawn-mower) was a factor in the
latest figures, but blamed the onset of the recession on the
Prime Minister's eyebrows. "He should cut back, like the rest
of us. In these days of hard economic times, it is wrong to
have eyebrows that big. He should be providing all of us with
a good example that we can follow. And the opposition aren't
any better, Mr Stockdale in particular."
THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CANCELLED
DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST.
Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?/\
No, it's / \
--------------------- - Leaps tall terminals in a single bound!
S U P E R U S E R - Wipes out users at the press of a button!
--------------------- - Closes down the computer at a moment's notice!
\ / - Sacrifices spare time to keep the system going
\/ for all of us. Isn't he a nice guy? Don't we
all love our system managers?
Meanwhile, on the planet Plagiar, the most powerful evil and ruthless being
in the universe, the monster Subschema, was plotting to take over the
universe with his trusty sidekick, Sponge.
"We'll start with the strategic placement of forty-thousand space-cadets
at Mrs Rubberneck's at number 28."
"Yes lord", replied Sponge.
Suddenly, a conveniently weakened door burst in, and Subschema was
confronted by his sworn enemy - Captain Fringe.
"Haha - caught you Subschema; trying to take over the universe again!
You're under arrest under Intergalactic Law. You have the right to remain
silent. You have the right to legal representation. You have the right to
normal life-support for your species. You are warned that you may be
extradited to your planet of origin or imprisoned on a suitable planet with
livable atmosphere. Oh shit, where's my gun got to?"
As Subschema began to move towards him, Fringe backed away.
"Not so fast Subschema - I have with me the most feared species in the
Galaxy. Worse than the Gonzaloids, the Wimpians and Jason Donovan combined.
They'd make Daleks quiver in their casings; they'd make Cybermen want to take
the day off."
"You don't mean..." said Subschema.
"Yes!" said Fringe triumphantly, as clicked his fingers and the shadow of
something came down the corridor.
The something came in, mumbling in a monotone (Steve Kilbey style) as it
came.
*** C h o o s e y o u r o w n p u n c h l i n e ! ! ***
YOU decide how this bit ends.... who comes down the corridor?
/ \
If you think it should be a computer If you think it should be a hard-core
technology lecturer, read this side. "Doctor Who" fan, read this side.
------------------------------------- -------------------------------------
"So, we can see that records may be "... but Silver Nemesis wasn't nearly
accessed several ways would you be as good as Earthshock, I reckon
quiet up the back please I hope you because I got Earthshock last week
are listening to this, because it third generation and the picture
will be on the exam and besides you isn't too bad although the episode
can't do programming all your lives breaks are missing but did you hear
you will have to get onto DB design about that episode of Invasion they
sooner or later because programming recovered in an attic the same bloke
may be stimulating initially but you found it that got hold of that Ice
can't keep it up forever no matter Warriors footage and I'm getting a
what language you use... language... copy next Wednesday if I'm lucky
sounds a bit like sandwich... anyway along with some of The Daemons in
sets are implemented as pointer colour although the start of episode
chains and an entity can point back one's missing and it's good to see
to its owner... take me to your owner them making some good episodes now
it'll say..." that JN-T's finally going... "
\ /
Surrender was a certainty.
AUTHOR'S PROMISE:
I will never, ever do that again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TCWF is published in weekly parts every Monday for you to read and delete.
And with the first issue you don't get a complementary straight-jacket. For
back issues, just mail [email protected] But do not send money
now. Or ever. Unless you really want to. Actually, on second thoughts, send
me all your money. That address again, [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEXT WEEK we'll be looking at how to get into the lunatic asylum of
your choice. And we'll be visiting the John Major School of Really
Interesting People, and the Henry Cate School of Joke Copying.
THIS EPISODE HAS BEEN CANCELLED
DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST.
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail [email protected]
--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
[email protected] | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
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