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Neat Zine from NJ - REALITY SANDWICHES - Issh- ya



(reality sandwiches)
-----------------------------
issue #3 * volume #1

[ r e a l i t y s a n d w i c h e s ]


September 1995







IN THIS ISSUE

DEPARMENTS
Notes from the Editor......................... Darth

FEATURES
Buckshot Wound................................ Frog Snatcher
Ka-Fucking-Boom............................... Darth
realitycheck.................................. Darth
The Real World................................ Frog Snatcher
How to Make America a Better Place to Live.... Andrew Ian Feinberg
Sandpaper..................................... Darth
The Way Happening Guide to IRC................ Darth
Hell and Reason Revisited..................... Darth
Market Street Phantasm........................ Darth
Leave my Walrus Be............................ What?!





-=-= DEPARTMENTS =-=-

Notes from the Editor...

Another issue is over and done with... for better or worse. I've
gotten a few emails saying cool stuff about us, mostly wondering why we're
doing this, well... I'll speak for myself in saying I'm in it for the money.
Seriously, one day I hope to sell this zine to Time-Warner and make large
sums of cash, and jaunt off to some remote island with my myriad female
admirers. In all honesty, I have gotten no such letters. It was merely an
attempt at wit, but I won't delete it now. I wrote it thinking it'd sound
very sharp. But now I realize that it is nothing but vulgar showing off
and will let it stand for that reason alone... hehe.. Dostoevsky... :> Ok,
well I think a paper RS is on its way - keep the faith. New Writers in
this one, check'em out... as always, feedback is appreciated here at
Reality Sandwiches, Inc. - yeah... thats the ticket... we could use a spiffy
ascii header too, so if you're so inclined... yeah yeah.
Quote of the month,er.... umm, ok, so it was a little late. Anyway,
the quote of the month is, "Genocide is a myth" - yeah... cool, huh? You
can contact the brilliant wordsmith who penned these words reviewing books
for the London Times... ever since he learned to read things have been coming
up roses for Billy-boy...this issue is too damn big... ahh well...
On that note - RS is seeking 1 or 2 more people to do this thing
we do here... send me mail at darth%[email protected] if you're interested...
A special salaam to the folks at the switch board bbs in lovely
Roselle Park New Joisy... ok... end special salaam HERE.
That be all.. no more anecdotes or witticisms... mass has ended.

- darth





-=-= FEATURES =-=-

Buckshot Wound
--------------
by Frog Snatcher

There's a gorge in my torso
It doesn't run clean, the ragged edges cover up the
glint of metal underneath
This metal has taken my insides and made them my
outsides
What I wished to hide now is a front page headlines,
a neon light glaring blatantly for my enemies to
absorb
In this weakness there is a submission
A betrayal to my own principles
I cannot hide anymore.

----------------------------------


Ka-Fucking-Boom
---------------
by Darth

Its *well* past midnight. I log on to a local board (that's bulletin
board for the uninitiated), to be greeted by an ongoing discussion of
"Anarchy", in what else but the "Anarchy" discussion group. Three cans of
Pepsi (that's right, Pepsi. Not just Pepsi, mind you, diet pepsi, and not
for the HEALTH aspects drinking diet pepsi would entail, nah, I like the
taste... i mean that) ago I pobably wouldn't have cared, but I was in a
belligerent mood. So I wrote in and started spewing off some polemic about
Pierre-Joseph Proudhon and classless society and godknowswhatelse. Heh...
yeah, unfortunately my little tirade fell on deaf ears (I rewrote part of
this to use that expression... no joke..) I was promply responded to with
threats of leaving land mines in my yard (land mines...who the hell uses
land mines? for ANYTHING?) but that's neither here nor there.
But it got me to thinking... here are these people calling for an
"Anarchist Government" (now let's think for a second: Anarchy=abscence of
Goverment, ergo and "Anarchist Government" is nigh impossible)... but really
have no knowledge of the concept of anarchy (and I of course, do...). Does
no one see how naive a "Classless Society" is? Think for a second, mankind
didn't evolve with class systems, they developed that themselves. Something
in humans leads them to want to categorize, "class" is just an extension of
this desire.
While the topic has been mercilessly exhumed to be beaten about the
head and shoulders for another spell, the contrast between Marxist theory and
this "Anarchist Government" is remarkable. Marx envisioned a world communist
revolution, where there would be a reaction to democracy and capitalism,
resulting in the formation of a classless society. Sounds neat-o, huh? It
gets better... Marx theorized that during the period between capitalism
and communism there would be a "Dictatorship of the Prolitereat", where a
handful of people would make up a totalitarian junta. (I said it'd get
better...) After this time period, when stability was achieved, the
junta would be dissolved, and the dictators will step down. Hey! Let's not
be a little idealistic! In short, mankind has imposed class systems, racial
inequalities, prejudices, etc. on himself - what's to say he won't revert
back to his ways? (revert... I get bonus points...).

--------------------------------------------------


realitycheck
------------
by Darth

- I -
Having surfaced from whatever I call my own exile,
Things left unseen have taken some form,
for better or worse, the capacity exists,
And despite all, I still see the Johnny Favorite and Joe Public bounce
around disinterested in what I have done or aspire.
Alone, at times, and even better for it, I'll
discuss the whims and words left unspoken thirty-some years back,
and contemplate the illusions of short-sighted brilliance,
set against a background, 18 percent gray.

- II -
Drenched with sarcastic nothingreallys I pretend to have found
something worth finding (or at least convince myself one way or another),
only to be brought back down by a reality in whose creation I had no role.
I'll testify and plead my case and wonder why I should.
I'll still allow them to reduce me to an existance, even when
despite all I find it hard to say yes.

- III -
Then the maybe-techies of whatever and whosomuch begin their morbid
dance, and the snap-chuckle-pop harmonies of their songs begin to infaltrate.
In their grotesque figures I see my reality. In them I see my thousand
Christs. In them I see the jaded, charred remnants of something that
couldawouldashould've been. And somehow, they remind me of the validity
of what I do, while at the same time, relentlessly seeking to destroy it.

- IV -
In the bright light hallucination, among the bitter sluts and holy men
of prose, I realize. It is this life that is sacred! I find no truth in
axiom - there is none. It never ceases to amaze. They are the killers -
they are the mindrapists. They are the tear swollen eyes of the archangel,
who cried from sunset to sunrise to the deaf sky to no avail. They are the
blind eyes who looked and searched for nothing and found something else.
They are the eyes of the artists of the primordial ooze that played their
songs to the world in the cosmic spotlight of reality!

- V -
When the plague finally dies, and mad, crazy harmonies begin to seep in,
I will seek my own salvation from the deliverance in my own resurrection.
Empty of ideology, nothing to do but rebuild. Nowhere to go but back.
Time on my hands.

--------------------------------------------------


The Real World
--------------
by Frog Snatcher

I don't get a soundtrack,
If I were to cry, a heartfelt confessional would not follow.
My life isn't a music video
I have never encountered racism
I'm not on the edge of hip
I don't have high aspirations
I won't be a doctor,
I'm an introvert, and I enjoy that.
I don't have a catchy nickname
I have no body jewelry
I live in the suburbs
I hate weakness

-------------------------------------


How to Make America A Better Place To Live
------------------------------------------
By Andrew Ian Feinberg

America. All things considered, I believe it's the best country to live
in. Well, at least until I do more research about Sweden. But since I
don't plan to be putting two dots over odd vowels in the near future, The
U.S. of A. will have to suffice. But there are bad things in America, like
Bob Dole, Free Willy 2, and Sizzler. But try as we may, there's not
a whole lot we can do about many of these things.

Reading the newspaper this week has gotten me more depressed than when
Twin Peaks was taken off the air. A new playground got vandalized with
messages of hate towards African Americans and Jews. A postman refused to
pick up mail from a house where a person living with AIDS lives. A woman
got fired and claimed it was because she refused to listen to her boss
tell sexist jokes. If I wanted to describe every case lake this, I would
develop carpel-tunnel syndrome from all of the typing. But these cases
are all related, for they all are sparked by ignorance.

Ignorance makes the racist hate, makes the homophobe nervous, makes the
sexist a schmuck, and so on. And it got me to thinking about how the
courts deal with these people. For the most part, hate crimes are dealt
with by some jail time, community service, and often sensitivity training.
Sensitivity training makes sense. The best tool against ignorance is
knowledge. Sensitivity training I feel, must change the views of at least
some of these people. It's a simple concept. Take a person who
perpetrates a crime of ignorance, say, against African Americans. Sit
them in a room with an African American for a few hours, who explains what
hate crime does to people, and teaches the criminal all about African
Americans and their issues. Result? Criminal walks out with less
ignorance and hatred towards African Americans, at least more times than
not.

But only providing sensitivity training after an offense is ridiculous.
It's the equivalent of giving all teenagers a drivers license when they
turn 16, but only teaching them driving rules and skills after they get
into an accident. We need to attempt to stop the accident before it
happens. I propose mandatory sensitivity training for everybody. Here's
how it would work.

Let's start with children. Some people might think that's too young, but
I think a lot of prejudices are learned from sweet ole mommie and daddy.
So from kindergarten through high school, one day out of every school year
gets dedicated to sensitivity training. It would be a potpourri of
training, taking 8 hours and just covering the whole gambit. In 8 hours,
I think you can cover all the bases in terms of prejudice. Teach them how
everybody is okay, how just because somebody is different, they're still
not any less of a person than anybody else, all that jazz. One day out of
a school year won't hurt anybody, and I feel will it will surely help.
Will it make everybody into perfect human beings? No. Will it have a
positive effect on some percentage of the population and deter some of
them from prejudiced thinking or hate crime down the road? Definitely.
It's not a bad thang And anything that is not a bad thang is a good thang.
But it can't stop after high school. There's always fresh things to learn,
new concepts to understand, and more positive thinking to reinforce. This
day of understanding and accepting must continue in adult life.
Now, call me naive, but I can't see every adult running to some
sensitivity class every year, skipping to class and singing "Kumbaya".
Hence, like Vicks 44D, sometimes you have to take medicine that you really
have zero desire to take. In my proposal, there's no choice involved. It
would be like jury duty, except that everybody would actually have to do
it. It would be a flexible sort of class, it would be available on
various days and times to accommodate everyone. It would be practically
cost free on the taxpayer as well. Just have the classes take place in a
public school, and have a condition of education majors student aid be
that hey have to be trained how to give a sensitivity class and give it
for say, 10 days a year. Then the cost would be infintescimle. It would
make everybody more informed and hence, less ignorant. I couldn't see how
hate and sex crimes would not plummet under such a system. I know it
would be a drag if you feel you already are the most understanding and
well informed person on the planet, but who really is? I'd be willing to
sacrifice one day a year out of my life just to make sure, and do my share
in making this country a better place for myself and my future children.
wouldn't you?

-------------------------------------------


Sandpaper
---------
by Darth

Having forgotten everything, read: having come full circle,
I was back at the point of origin.
Just like I left it, Liechtenstein and Warhol draped on tenemant
walls in the city, shimmering electric in the night,
While Allen Ginsberg, the saintly Allen Ginsberg wailed silently, and warned
of botched society,
a generation forsaken by Eternity,
in Eternity, forever.
with only madness and beatific rhapsody as a guide through
the backyards and labyrinths of demagogues,
New pop art plastered carelessly, the sullen moan of cauterized
genius, empty of anything but its own superficiality.
I hesitate to recollect, the day where the so-called
up-starts moaned against the thousands of warheads bringing
pestilence and
jazz harmonies
and they moaned in their prophetic 5th avenue fashionabilities,
while the withered mainstream moaned seperately,
and the dreams of a nation moaned loudest of all,
though were scarcely heard.

The way happening guide to IRC...
---------------------------------
by Darth

Yeah, yeah, we've all heard about the wacky way happening Internet Relay
Chat, but come on, let's face it, it's pretty boring after a couple hours
Hence, this handy guide. Use it as a reference to the wild and wonderful
realm o' the IRC (That's Eye-Are-See).

Things to do when ALL ELSE fails... NOTE! Reality Sandwiches (tm) takes
NO responsiblity for anything contained below... the anecdotes are provided
for a quick, immature chuckle and NOTHING more... ok.. I'm done now.

1) Start OFFENDING people
a) Join a channel with a nick that would be offensive to the
typical participants, for example:

#BIBLE, "FuckJesus" or "JesusLied"
#ISLAM, "AllahSux"

You get the picture...

b) Join a channel and discuss a topic entirely irrelavent to the
typical conversation topics, for example:

Join #LITTLEGIRLSEX and start quoting Shakespeare...

- this next one will prolly get you some enemies, really
quickly, join #HACK and ask "How do I become a hacker?"

c) Join a channel, lie dormant until someone greets you, then be
exceptionally rude to him, some suggested phrases are:

"Are you trying hard to be a jackass or does it come naturally?"
"Fuck off, <INSERT NAME>, I don't like you!"
"Hey, <INSERT NAME>, did I ask to talk to you? You fucking troll!"
"Stop talking to me you fucking rodent!"
"Who the fuck asked you to say hi to me, shithead?"

2) Just be a jerk
a) /MSG someone saying you're going to kill them. Keep doing this
until they log out.

b) /MSG someone demanding they change their nick. Be persistant.

c) Follow someone from channel to channel, MSGing them saying,
"I'm gonna rip yr fucking ears off!"...

3) Classic IRC ploys
a) This is a great one: Join #sex or one of its spawn with a "female"
sounding name ("Susan" works well, as it can't be mistaken for a
guy's name, making your devious fun that much easier...), and say
hello. You'll be flooded with messages in a matter of seconds.
Send private replies to each person saying you're "really into
phone sex". Bottom line, get their numbers, then send each other
the numbers you receive. This has amazing potential if you
visualize the 50 year old bald guy from Missouri calling the 74
year old retired colonel in California...
b) You can always try flooding, that's fun, but pretty amateurish.
c) Join a channel, keep asking for ops, but spell ops, "awps". That
consistantly pisses people off.
d) Join a channel that's "Family Oriented" and keep using every
profanity possible.
e) People for the most part are techno-phobes... they use this new
cool technology via netcom or some such but really have no idea
of its potential/limitations... so use the /FINGER command and
get their logon info and start buggin'em with it... they'll get
really freaked and log out... heh...
f) Join #BIBLE or #CATHOLIC with a regular sounding nick. The first
thing you should say is one of the following:

"I am bold in Christ Jesus"
"I love Jesus with all my heart"
"The Lord Jesus Christ has shown me a path of righteousness"

Then, anyone who disagrees with you, you should damn to an
eternity in hell, as described:

"It's a pity you do not have my truth"
"You are sealing your fate to have your limbs consumed in
the depths of Gehenna"
"You will drown in the river Styx, heretic!"
"You have been tempted by Satan, and are now doomed to suffer,
heathen!"

Remember, you're convinced anything secular is evil. My personal
fave is, "Shakespeare's plume was dipped in the ink of
Mephistophales"..

-------------------------------------



Hell and Reason Revisited
-------------------------
by Darth

The process of serializing morality, the prospect of which enthralls
most of the so-called "devout" is nonetheless one that operates against the
better judgement and course of human evolution. Individuals seek to become
more than their environment, to "transcend" it metaphysically, not unlike
Camus's character Sisyphus, he became "more than his rock". Hence, an
infringement to this effort would have to involve a reduction in one's
personal ideology, reinventing the conundrum of personal piety vs. societal
influence.
To develop a wholly personal morality, devoid of a hierarchy or
even a faith-concept, is to transcend one's environment. By rejecting a
god-head, one deifies oneself, becoming their own god, Nietzsche's Overman.
The factors limiting, acting against and antagonizing the process of a true,
moral self liberation are astounding, embodied in the existance of
institutionalized religion (I use the term religion in no sense other than
worship of a godhead).
In defense of this position, the quest for self-deification is one
that is intrinsic to human existance. It is primal, it is basic, it is
tantamount. An action as simple as the gathering of food is a manifestation
of this instinct - to triumph over one's environment, to, in other words,
survive. The process is seperate from delusions of grandure and dreams of
world domination, instead being native to the very human psyche it draws the
individual from.

--------------------------------------------------


Market Street Phantasm
----------------------
by Darth

Angel of mercy, American dream - protein pills and a stack of dimes,
Strung uside down in Chinatown windows,
and on runways bordering Saks Fifth Avenue display cases.

Baptized by the Ken Kesey in the virginal madness of the holographic night,
and conceived in eternity by the hallucinigenic angels of fate and mercy
and infinite dreams.

What a drag, the snap chuckle pop merry go round of the latest icon,
dancing in alleys of suburbia and methadone halls in Nowhere, Utah.

A vision of Buddha, laughing on a rosewood pedastal, jade eyes gleaming in
the celestial puppetshow where hollow eyed Franz Kafka smiled translucent.

Watching rehearsed insanity bat away the good intentions, tiptoeing through
fields of opium, everyone's miserable or on Prozac, we were always positive
thinkers.

High rise apartment on the west side, sipping martinis into morning. Din,
metallic chants, like a mantra, crashed along the derelict road of eternity
and the corridors of hysteria.

And they will form the new world order and abolish eternity, although it is
eternity that will make them great - dyslexic preachings from a tired man,
sickly in his age, two days short of forever.

Sandpaper alleyways and bridges from destitute to desolate, the city heaves
a smog filled sigh and relaxes itself to the supernatural madness of reality.

---------------------------------


Taken from The Switchboard BBS ... with apologies
-------------------------------------------------

I hate the government.
More than you and me.
The Government stole my goldfish.
And Unplugged my T.V.

I hate the government.
It walks all over me
Now I eat my tuna
And watch Chips on TV.

I hate the government.
What a mean bunch of dudes.
They wage a war on drugs,
have sex and smoke kazoo.

I hate the government
They give me such a fright
One day I'll walk up to Hillary Clinton
Maybe she will bite.

I hate the government
won't let me have a gun
won't let me kill people,
so I set my phasers on 'Stun.'

I hate the government
The government it hates me.
And even though i can't smoke drink use un-approved drugs by the FDA,
kill myself, buy drugs and not use them, destribute PGP to other
countries, use half the things the congress gets for free, solicit
prostitutes for fun, carry a weapon for protection in school..
They say i'm free.

I hate the government and it hates me.
If I were Russian I would be in the KGB.
I'd blow up buildings and get cool guns for free.
I would never work for that show that's on TV

If I were a Republican I'd blow up a Federal Building.
Use one of those feritlizer and diesel fuel things.
Be quick and discreet or else I'll get caught in a sting.
Shoot the phone whenever it rings.

I'd wear dark glasses and run around the park.
Steal Lottery Tickets from the Quickie Mart.
Burn them all after it gets dark.
Now I know I've hit my mark.

I hate the United Nations and NATO too.
A one world socialist order is not my idea of cool.
Whenever I see Jesse Helms I start to drool.
He makes all those other senators look just like fools.

I'd hide in a shack on top of a hill
Put grenades along my windowsill.
When they run through the door I will shot at will.
And then I'll bitch when my wife and son are killed.

I'll sink the Navy and I'll ground the Airforce
I'll blow up the army and beat up the Marine Corps.
I'll soon after claim they used excessive force,
Then blame it on Mr. Ed, the talking horse.

------------------------------

--= TECHNICALITIES =--

REALITY SANDWICHES DISTRIBUTION SITES
For archives, new issues, and miscellaneous "stuff" check out these boards...

The Porch BBS - (201)-966-2848
(201)-966-8919

The Switchboard - (908)-298-0879

VIA FTP
Reality Sandwiches back issues, new issues, etc. can be found at these FTP
sites:
ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/RealitySandwiches

BACK ISSUES
Call The Switchboard and check out the RS conference.

DISTRIBUTION: If you run a BBS, and want to become a distro site, send
email below.

TO SUBSCRIBE: Send Internet email to the address below:

darth%[email protected]

NEW ISSUES: Check The Switchboard for the newest issues, subscriptions and
back issues. Leave a comment to the sysop saying you
logged on to get RS.

FEEDBACK: Send all notes, comments and threats to DARTH%[email protected].
Hehe, like that hasn't been used before, guffaw. What a stupid
thing to say, ah fuck it...

CLOSING COMMENTS: Next Issue sometime in November - I mean it this time.


 
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