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BLaH Magazine #9
? ??? ? ? ?
?? ?? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ?
BLaH ? ? ? ??? ? ?
File ??? ? ?? ????? Written August 3rd, 1992
#009 ? ?ig ?ong ??? ?nd ? ?airy
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??? ???? ????? ?? ??
Presents
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"101 Ways To Kill or Maim a Senior Citizen"
? by ?
Chessman
? ?? ?
{----------------------------------------------------------------------}
1. Beat them silly with their walking stick
2. Take away their Clapper
3. Put a rabid rat in their pink fluffy slippers
4. Put spikes on the seat of their wheelchair
5. Put cyanide in their tea bags
6. Strap two huge speakers to their head and play Megadeath until their
head explodes
7. Tell them that huge electrical thing is their bathroom
8. Push them into the oven when they're making dinner
9. Float a poisonous frog in their oatmeal
10. Tell them that the little red sign says "WALK"
11. Cut their hair <Remember Sampson?>
12. Feed them clay, while assuring them that it IS squash
13. Make them sit on the wing of the plane
14. Clip some jumpers to your engine and tell them to hook the cables
to their ears
15. Tell them Orville Reddenbacher is younger and better looking
16. "Don't worry Grandma, I'll hold the ladder...."
17. Tell them you need to give them an autopsy for a school report
18. Put their head in the fan and tell them they're at the beauty parlor
19. Wheel them right into the deep end of the pool
20. Sell them to science
21. Take Wheel of Fortune off the air
22. Put them in the moving van with the rest of the "antiques"
23. Ask them if they want to go out in the snow, and make them into a
snowman
24. Put out a contract on them
25. Make them go to Mexico City and drink the water
26. Buy a pit bull and make them scratch its tummy
27. "A little farther grandma.. there's a sand bar out there somewhere..."
28. Replace their fiber with heroine
29. Convince them it was their fault the "where's the beef" lady died
30. Next time their thirsty put the hose in their mouth and turn it on
full blast
31. Put them in a box and give them to the UPS guy as a gift
32. Tell them the roof is a slide
33. Convince them it IS safe to bungee jump with dental floss
34. Incite a riot at the local bingo parlor
35. Tell them to answer the iron
36. Stab them with a pitchfork while they work in the garden
37. Introduce them to Jeffery Dahmer
38. "You stand here and tell me if the headlights work..."
39. Strangle them with their Depends
40. Put them on a pair of Rollerblades and push them down the highway
41. Stick a battery onto a stick and tell them it's a lollipop
42. Push them into some quicksand
43. Feed then Indian food
44. Have the Keebler Elves repeatedly assualt them
45. Open a window and tell them their room is through there
46. Give them to a group of bikers in exchange for a k-rad Harley Davidson
sticker
47. "My bazooka's clogged. Will you look in and see what's wrong..."
48. Give them a stick of dynamite and say it's a candle
49. Give them a banana and when they open their mouth shove it in and choke
them
50. Put them on the swing and push it REAL high
51. Ask them if they want to play jacks and when they grab the ball, pick
up the jacks and throw them in their eyes
52. Set up Monopoly and insist that you be the thimble
53. Wallpaper them to the wall and leave them there until they stop kicking
54. "I bet you can't stick your hand into the paper shredder..."
55. Stick them with pins
56. Have them stand under an apple tree and shake it real hard so they get
pelted by falling apples
57. Convince them your little brother will only love them if they go down
the chimney on their way inside
58. Knock them into the head of the mafia as he leaves the courthouse
59. Put them in a nursing home
60. Put them on the barbeque after telling them it will kill their warts
61. Place each of their fingers into a pencil sharpener
62. Send them to training camp with the Bears
63. Dress them up like Rodney King and have them speed along in front of the
police station
64. Tell them a bull really is a gentle creature
65. Test their elasticity by putting them on a stretching rack
66. Make them drink acrylic paint while telling them it's from the fountain
of youth
67. Take them to the gas station and hold their nose saying, "I don't want
you to take in any fumes," and when they open their mouth to breathe
stick the gas thing in and push it.
68. Roll them up and smoke them
69. Dress up like Peter Pan and tell them they can fly but only from really
high places
70. Leave them out in the sun and watch them dehydrate
71. Take them on safari and push them into a den of lions
72. Squirt them with acid
73. Have them breathe pure radon
74. Send them to Chernobyl for a summer get away
75. Tell them the best stores are on Three Mile Island
76. Have them sit on a cactus
77. Put a set of horns on them and push them into a field of Buckmasters
78. Put their tongue in a light socket
79. Take away their glasses and put them in a room covered with sharp
objects
80. Lay a mattress across railroad tracks and put them there
81. Claim they're possessed by demons and remove they're stomach and feet
82. Cut off their legs and make a hat
83. Make them into a cool, frosty slurpy
84. Tie them to a camel and have it walk off
85. Waltz with them until they turn into butter
86. Send them in a boat to get an eye-witness account of a tropical storm
87. Put a straw in their nostrils and suck the life right out of them
88. Play baseball with their head
89. Practice for your Biology final on them
90. Give them thermite instead of Metamucil
91. Put a bomb in their hair-nets
92. Sweep up a slaughter house with them
93. Make them move the piano into the garage... and then move it back
94. Kick them with wooden shoes
95. Push them off the high dive into an empty pool
96. Flick cigarette butts at them until they go insane
97. Put a live lobster in their underwear
98. Pack them into a nuclear bomb and drop them somewhere in the USSR
99. Beat them to a bloody pulp with a hammer
100. Light their hair on fire
101. Put tapeworms in their dentures
Wow! It's a real testament to the human spirit that I finshed that.
After 47 I just ran out of ideas, which probably shows by the last few....
Nevertheless I hope you enjoyed this Za/\/y BLaH release as much as I
enjoyed making it.
{---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz 0.90? says "7600 Bytes Total"--------------}
BLaH, as of now, is: REMEBER
Chessman -------
Guido Sanchez If it says BLaH, it probably isn't...
"Whenever I hear the name Guido Sanchez,
I have to laugh, because who is that guy?"
-Chessman
BLaH <sigh>ts
Nun-Beaters Anonymous | <708>251-5094 | 110/16.8k
Hell Bound | <708>965-8965 | 2400/14.4k
{--The Wall..anything on the WEST is pure, the EAST is evil---------------}
So which side are we on?
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