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Jokes collected over time More Jokes Yet even more
What's the difference between black men and car tires?
Car tires don't sing when you put chains on them.
**
This little black kid's mother gives him some money one day and says, "Here son, go and buy me a ro wheel of cheese." The kid runs off to the cheese shop and buys the wheel of cheese, but on the wa u of the shop he trips and the cheese rolls off down a hill. The kid runs after it, but it's muc fstr. It eventually runs down to the bottom and hits a white guy in the leg. The guy picks it u, bushs it off, and puts it under his coat. When he gets home to his wife he produces it and says "Hee yo go dear, I brought you some cheese." "What kind of cheese is it?" asked his wife. "I thin it'snachocheese," the man replied. "Why do you think that?" "Well, you see all the time I was waling hoe ther was this little black kid running along beside me yelling 'Hey mister it's nacho cheee! it'snacho
cheese!"
**
How did the Nazis invade Poland so easily?
They marched in backwards and told the Polacs they were leaving.
**
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she repli "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and thnsid, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith,
but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman resped, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world dobrh control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my grand-daughter's orange jic ad I sleep better at night."
**
A guy asks a LA girl out on a date after meeting her in a bar. She says "What kind of car do you dr?". He replies "A VW Bug." She scornfully says "That's awfully small!" and he replies, "Don't worr,Im not going to fuck you with the car."
**
The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, tyro naval student.
"What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?"
"I'd throw out an anchor, sir."
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"I'd throw out another anchor, sir."
"But what if a third storm sprang up forward?"
"I'd throw out another anchor, captain."
"Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?"
"From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."
**
Light Bulb Jokes
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some acn items. It will be continued next week.
How many ... does it take to change a light bulb?
Accountants?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Actors?
One: They don't like to share the spotlight.
Aides to change Ronald Reagan's light bulb?
None: They like to keep him in the dark.
Alabama alumni?
ut how good the old one was.
Alcoholics?
One: He holds the bulb and the world spins around him.
Amish?
Amish don't have light bulbs, they bake pies.
Anarchists?
All of them.
Apple and IBM nuts?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic comer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing thepricipants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether o nt he function is exponential is not known.
A**holes?
None: They never see the light anyway.
Astronomers?
None: they prefer the dark.
Atheists?
None: They're never in the dark.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.
Auto mechanics?
Two: One to try to put in the wrong bulb, and one to replace
the socket.
Six: One to force it with a hammer, and five more to go out
for more bulbs.
Ayatollahs?
None: there were no light bulbs in the 13th century.
Babysitters?
None: Pampers aren't made small enough.
Bankers?
Four: one to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combo.
How many Amiga users does it take to screw in a light bulb??
only one......but he broke 400 bulbs before realizing they SCREW in !!!
**
THE DEER HUNT
=============
1:00 am Alarm clock rings
2:00 am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the
pick-up
3:00 am Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am Drive like hell to get to woods before daylight
4:30 am Set up camp
6:05 am Head for the woods
6:06 am See eight deers
6:07 am Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am CLICK
8:00 am Load gun while watching deers go over the hill
9:00 am Head back to camp
12:00 NOON Fire gun for help -- eat wild berries
12:15 pm Run out of bullets -- eight deers come back
12:20 pm Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm Rescued
12:55 pm Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm Load gun -- Leave camp again
5:00 pm Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm Load gun
6:02 pm Fire gun
6:03 pm One dead pick-up
6:05 pm Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm Fall into fire
6:10 pm Change clothes -- throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer
in camp
6:25 pm Pick-up boils over -- hole shot in block
6:26 pm Start walking
6:30 pm Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm Meet bear
6:36 pm Take aim
6:37 pm Fire gun, blow up barrel -- plugged with mud
6:38 pm Mess pants
6:39 pm Climb tree
9:00 pm Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree
Midnight Home at last
Thats it so far!
**
There's a square room and in one corner theres Santa and in another is the easter bunny and in anot a smart blonde and in another a dumb blonde.And in the middle of the room is a twenty dollar bill Kwho gets to the twenty first?
The Dumb Blonde. Why? Because the other three don't exist!
**
How did they circumcize Moby's Dick?
With four skin-divers...
(Foreskin divers)
**
Two vampires are walking down the street late one evening, when one turns to the other, and says, "Int something different tonight! Let's eat Italian!" The other replies, "Sure, why not?". So, they iein the shadows, and two stout Italian fellows walk by. The vampires strike, suck out all of thei boo, take the bodies to the bridge, and toss them over. As they were walking back, the second vamiresay to the first, "Hey, that wasn't all that filling, let's have seconds!". The first vampire arees So,once again, they hide in the shadows, two more Italian fellows wander by, and, in rapid sucessin, ge their blood sucked out.
The vampires return to the bridge and toss the corpses over.
As they were walking away from the bridge, the first vampire remarks:
"Hey! I didn't hear a splash!"
The second replies, "come to think of it, I didn't hear one the first time, either!"
So they rush back to the bridge, and look over the side.
Down below, there is a crocodile, chewing on the remains of the fourth Italian, singing "Drained wopeep falling on my head..."
(Sing the last line to Raindrops keep falling on my head for you chaps in the dark to the "punchline.I use the term VERY loosely.)
**
How many Amiga users does it take to do screw in the bulb?
only one...but if you wait 'till next month the're putting out a new bulb that will be 500% better only $3000 bucks.....
**
What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&M's?
A Cock that melts in your mouth not in your hands.
**
What is the polish cure for bad breath?
Either stop scratching your ass, or quit biting your fingernails.
**
Why did the polish hockey team drown?
Spring training.
**
Why did the polish football team sign up two nuns and a prostitute?
They needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.
**
What do the numbers 1492 and 1066 have in common?
They're adjacent rooms at the Warsaw Hilton.
**
Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
**
Why didn't the polack go water skiing?
He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
**
Why are there no polish ballet dancers?
Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
**
Did you hear about the polish faggot who got arrested in Warsaw for trying to blow his wife.
**
Why do people make male snowmen, and not female snowmen?
Because it's too hard to make a female, you have to hollow out the head first.
**
Why do men do all the thinking, and women do all the talking?
Because men have two heads, and women have four lips.
***
This guy loves his girl so much, he decided to have her name tattoed on his
prick. When his prick was fully erect, it said WENDY, but when his prick was softened up, all you co read was WY. Anyways he goes to a public washroom to take a piss, and out comes the cock, and presr is relieved into the urinal. He is looking around, and notices on one side of him, this black uy(GN) taking a piss, and on his cock was the letter's "WY". He reaches his hand over to the man, nd ayscongratulates, my girlfriend's name is WENDY... And the black guy, frowns and is wondering wat knd o drugs this white guy was doing, and said, "I DONT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND." And the white guy sys, ten wht's the "WY" for on your cock? and the black guy replys, "Oh that, when its hard it spels out"WELCOE TO THE BAHAMAS, HAVE A NICE DAY."
***
What do you get when you look at bush and what do you get when you look at
sadamm!
I don't know about you, but when i look at bush, i have hopes of putting my
missile right in. As for sadamm its only time before his missile is cut off!
***
What's the difference between light and hard ?
It stays light all day and you can sleep with the light on.
***
How do you tell whose the blind man at a nudist camp ?
It ain't hard !
***
How did the black woman get into the Guiness Book of World Records?
Her pussy was bigger than his lips.
***
Did you hear about the new movie with Dolly Parton and Sylvester Stallone ?
Yeah, its called ROCKY MOUNTAINS.
***
What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line ?
A magician has cunning feats and stunts. (A chorus line has stunning teats and cunts).
***
What's the difference between a midjet con-man and a case of herpes ?
One's a cunning runt...
***
Why did God create men ?
It's impossible to teach your vibrator how to mow the lawn.
***
Why were there so many black casualties in the Viet Nam war ?
Cause when the sargent yelled "GET DOWN!", they all got up and danced.
***
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