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A typical warranty


READ THIS FIRST!

. Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service,
except that you will undoubtedly destroy it via some typical bonehead
consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE
READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU
ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU! YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN
AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS. AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE
SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE
RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING
WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT! WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT!
. We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that
your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.
OK? Now let's talk about
. 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to
protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to
jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS
CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE
LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING
DEVICES. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only
proof of engagement, and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously
considering backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as he had
consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he
decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's
last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
. WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOUR LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE
PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you
are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the
chilling manner of Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
Europe.
. Besides the device, the box should contain:
. Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING".
. A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer
grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of
tram cable.
. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING, You IMMEDIATELY should turn
to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't
make a car that can get all the way past the drive-through as Burger
King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares,
that's why."
. WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
. 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents
the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutalation
Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from
causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their a
ppliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One
Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the
revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious
Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it
gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and
clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
. WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD
A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
. 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE
ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE
DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED
BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER
ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
. INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the
battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
occurrence! However, if this is not a trouble, such rotation is a
very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) wirepoint from
Drawing B.
. 4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with
but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be
warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall
occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during
which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the
device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and
engage in rituals to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does
not cover the attractive designer case.
. WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

 
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