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David Koresh jokes
After reciving tons of jokes after the last couple Waco jokes I posted I'll
post the new list with the new jokes I recived agian for all to enjoy.
What Does WACO stand for?
We All Cremated Ourselves
When Attacked, CookOut!
We're All Crunchy Omelets.
We're All Coscientious Objectors.
We All Cooked Overly well.
What A Cooked Odor.
Why A Children's Ordeal?
What A Cool Open field!
Why Are Cultists Obnoxious?
Who's A Christian Occaisionally?
We Are Combustable OK
Well Attended Cook-Out
We Ain't Coming Out
We're All Christs Offspring
What are All those Cops doin' Out there?
We Are Completely Outre'
We Are the Church of Ordinance
We Are Christ's Outpost
What the ATF Can't Outrun
We Are Clinical Outpatients
Hear about the new snack food called Waco's???
Crispy nuts that won't come out of the box!!!
What do you call a Branch Davidian with a fire extinguisher?
A heretic.
What do you call a Scientologist with a flamethrower?
A copycat.
Why did the compound in Waco burn to the ground?
They couldn't put out the fire with their Kool Aid. (tm)
Did you hear that David Koresh was a closeted gay?
He was flaming, but he didn't come out.
Why don't we have more prophets like David Koresh?
It's such a high stress job that burnout is almost inevitable.
The events in Waco could have been foreseen, had anyone in the FBI
understood that David Koresh was encapsulating Jewish history.
First they re-enacted Passover, then there was the re-enactment of the
Warsaw ghetto uprising.
The Branch Davidian Church has split into two sects:
Orthodox and Extra-Crispy.
NBC found a sponsor for the David Koresh mini-series:
Weber Barbecues, Inc.
What was the most popular name for Branch Davidian children?
Ashley.
How can we avoid future tragedies like the Waco conflagration?
Strict OSHA standards requring automatic sprinkler systems for
all cult compounds that accomodate 50 or more fanatics.
What was David Koresh's favorite breakfast cereal?
Crispy Critters!
How is Waco like a Snickers bar?
Roasted nuts.
After the tragedy at Mt. Carmel on Monday, the Branch Davidians
will be holding a bar-b-que to attract new members.
What do you get when you cross David Koresh & Jeffrey Dahmer?
Brunch Davidian (barbeque naturally).
Why is Al Gore so upset with the Branch Davidians?
Because of their contribution to global warming.
Did you hear that David Koresh lost his job as the second messiah?
He got fired.
Do you know that David Koresh Was a FidoNet Humor echo user?
Yes, and Koresh's last news post started
: "Feel free to flame me, but..."
I was just wondering, is it ethical to yell ``Branch Davidian'' in a
crowded movie theatre?
What were David Koresh's last words?
" Damn it, how many times have I told you kids not to play with
matches!"
Koresh's message to the BATF. "Next time knock first."
David Koresh certainly made an ash of himself this time.
What are they gonna call the TV Minseries about David Koresh?
"A Match Made in Heaven"
When did the FBI get what they wanted?
When KorASH finally went out.
What do David KorASH and Jesus Christ have in common?
They are both dead.
How is the Hindenburg like Waco, TX?
Both have flammable compounds in them.
Why did David KorASH have so many wives?
They made excellent matches.
Standoff ?, It was really more of a Bake off wasn't it?
How many Branch Davidians does it take to change a light bulb.
None, they provide their own illumination.
How do you tell the Branch Davidians at a revival meeting?
They're the ones smoking in the corner!
Why did David Koresh's last manager like him so much?
He was a real self-starter!
If you're a smoker, there's one thing you should NEVER do in WACO:
ask for a light.
Koresh finally received his word from God.
How, you ask?
Well, Moses had his burning bush, and
Koresh had his burning Branches.
A Texan who called himself saviour
Engaged in suspicious behavior:
The feds kept a lookout
On his final cookout,
And gave him that real smoky flavor!
Did you hear who just stopped smoking?
David Koresh.
How does Koresh like his chicken?
Extra crispy.
Did you hear what they were changing the name of WACO to.
Corpus Crispy.
Why did David Koresh set his house on fire?
He wanted to keep up with the Joneses.
Did you hear the Pope canonized David Koresh?
He's a Friar!
What do David Koresh and Rodney King have in common?
They're both black!
Did you hear Jeffery Dalhmer is heading down to Waco with a 55
gal. drum of barbecue sauce?
There's a special on baby back ribs in Waco today!
NBC claims the fire was actually started by a GMC truck
You know Koresh was waiting for a message from God.
He got it last monday
God said,"David, Preheat to 1300 F and bake for 25 minutes.
What did God say to Koresh when he died?
"Well done."
How do you pick up a Davidian girl?
With a Dust-Buster.
When Gov. Ann Richards was told that it was all over she said,
"Stick a fork in 'em, they're done!".
Did you hear that Kraft has brought out a new salad dressing?
It's called Ranch Dividian, and it won't come out no matter
how hard you shake it.
How did the FBI find out that the Branch Davidians had Dandruff?
They found Head and Shoulders all over the compound.
Did you hear about the new Davidian Branch holy day?
Ash Monday
Remember... Only YOU can prevent Koresh-fires.
New Christmas song: Koreshnuts roasting over an open fire.
What did Crispy Koresh do last night?
He finally went out.
What did Janet Reno say to the head BATF agent?
Well Done!
Have you heard that David Koresh will soon be the "poster boy"
for the American Lung Association?
He finally quit smoking.
Branch Davidian slogan:
It's better to burn out than fade away.....
For Sale:
Forty acres of land located near Waco, Texas. Great view of the
surrounding countryside! Land has just been cleared and is ready
to build on. Area has significant religious historical value. For
more information, contact the Waco Chamber of Commerce, the IRS,
the BATF, or the FBI. Price is negotable.
"Branch Davidians!"
"Sorry our tree has been burnt"
What was David Koresh's last supper?
Flaming-young.
Hey, did you hear Jeffrey Dahmer added a new item to his favorite foods?
Koresh Kabob.....
WACO - The Movie
It's only a matter of time before the David Koresh/WACO movie
comes out.
Hollywood is looking for a title.
Here are a few starters:
David Koresh and the Temple of Doom
Life of David
Ranch Apocalypse Now
The Last of the Davidians
Basic Incendiary
Honey, I Blew Up the Kids-II
Incinerator-II
"Honey I Burned Up the Kids"
Sing a song of weapons, the cops, and FBI,
86 Davidians baked in a pie,
When the pie was opened the cops began to sing,
Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king?
Clinton's in the White House counting out his money,
The lords are in the Capitol eating ham and honey,
Reno's down at Justice hanging out the clothes,
When along comes a Waco to snip off her nose.
What does FBI stand for?
Federal Bureau of Incineration.
What was the last activity of the Branch Davidians?
An embership drive.
'You know you're dead when David Koresh invites you to a temple
warming party!'
Did you hear about the new ice cream from Waco?
It's called Mount Caramel but it has a few problems.
You have to melt it to get the nuts out.
Coming soon in the Classifieds:
FOR SALE: "I lived with David Koresh" T-shirt, slightly burned
Coming Soon To Broadway ...
After A SMASH Hit Run In Urbane Waco, TX ...
F.B.I. Productions Presents ...
By Special Arrangement With The Council for Harboring
Religiously Insane Saviors and Terrorists (CHRIST) ...
A Koresh Line
Featuring the hit songs:
"I need this gun. I really need this gun..."
"One singular sensation, every little Fed he shoots..."
See "A Koresh Line" soon. The critics are raving just as
much as the title character:
"'A Koresh Line' is knocking them dead." - Waco Tribune
"We're doing a booming business." - Waco Gun And Package Store
"I don't think this engagement will ever end." - FBI Spokesperson
"Did WE say thirty minutes to deliver ANYWHERE?" - Domino's
NOTE: The producers reserve the right to cancel the Broadway
premiere for a special command performance of ten to twenty years
in Leavenworth.
(Sorry Show canceled due to fire hazard to theatre.)
Reporter: So, should I call you David, or Jesus Christ?
Koresh: Oh, that. I'm David. Those FBI guys called and asked
who I was just when I was looking out the window. I said
"Jesus Christ, that's a lot of federal agents."
Branch Davidian Vacation:
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED AS THE GRAND PRICE WINNER IN OUR
"FANTASY VACATIONS SWEEPSTAKES!!!"
That's right - you and your spouse or friend will spend 7
GLORIOUS DAYS AND
NIGHTS at the exciting
BRANCH DAVIDIAN
SECT COMPOUND
In Beautiful Waco, Texas
BUT WAIT - That's not all; during your stay you and your
spouse will:
Get to meet "JESUS" turned "prophet":
David Vernon Karresh Howell
Fire HI-TECH automatic and semiautomatic WEAPONS!
Play Hide and Seek with the FBI, ATF, and other law
enforcement agencies!
Your mate can enter the contest to see who will be the
All-Mighty Leader's
"Lady for the Night"
Her dreams cold come true, and just think how proud
you'll feel knowing this Great Leader shares your same taste in
women.
Not to feel left out, you can enter the
"I am a TOWER GUARD" event
You will compete in a GO-CART RACE in the compound with other
members of the SECT to see who gets to stand watch in the tower
that night!
CONGRATULATIONS ONCE AGAIN!!!
(AND YOU THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER WIN BIG IN A SWEEPSTAKES!!)
Special Bonus: If the "messiah really likes you, your vacation
could be extended - indefinitely with no extra cost to you.
That's RIGHT!!
You may be one of the lucky ones chosen to become a cult member
and go out with a BANG, so pack plenty and ENJOY!!
Special Notice: Children may accompany you but not without
parental consent so that they may be used as "negotiating bait"
with federal authorities - there is no guarantee of how long
their visit will last."
What something good about being in Waco?
Seperation of Church and State Reduced to 300 yards
What are they gonna call the TV Minseries about David Koresh?
"A Match Made in Heaven"
What kind of pants do Branch Davidian's wear?
Charred-Ash Jeans
What were David KorASH's Last Words?
"Is it hot in here or is just me?"
"No, Bud Light!"
"Just kidding, I'm not really God."
"OW!!!!" <- best guess.
What do David KorASH and Burger King Whopper have in common?
They are both flame broiled.
What were the FBI's first words?
"Did anybody bring any marshmallows?"
How many Davidians can you fit in a car?
"20. 3 in the front 4 in the back and the rest in the ashtray"
Why is David KorASH still in the news?
Because of his smouldering personality.
What do David KorASH and Richard Simmons have in common?
They are both flamers.
Why did KorASH like the Brach Davidians?
Because they were such a bright group.
When did the FBI get what they wanted?
When KorASH finally went out.
What is KorASH wearing right now?
His best Sunday soot.
What else?
Charcoal slacks.
What else?
A smoking jacket.
The FBI found out what started the first of the seven seals.
A Match
What do you call Asian Branch-Davidians?
Rice Crispies.
Which Simpsons character is most like David Koresh?
Mr. Burns
What's the differance between Dave KorASH and Joey Buttafuco?
One Burns Kids the other one Burns with kids
Why didn't KorASH surrender to the FBI?
He didn't want to be grilled by authorities.
Why else?
He didn't want the FBI to give him get the 10th degree.
How is the Hindenburg like Waco, TX?
Both have flammable compounds in them.
Why did David KorASH have so many wives?
They made excellent matches.
David KorASH Favorites:
GAME:
Follow The Leader
SONG:
I'm Burning Up
Great Balls of Fire
Eternal Flame
Hot in the City
You Light Up My Life
Blaze of Glory
Disco Inferno
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
Burning Down the House
LEAST FAVORITE SONG:
We didn't start the fire
MOVIES:
Fareignheit 451
Towering Inferno
Last of the Red Hot Lovers
Turk 182
Backdraft
Firestarter
MUSICIANS:
Charo
FOOD:
Anything Hot
ATHELETES:
Arther Ashe
HOLIDAYS:
Ash Wednesday
SPORTS TEAMS:
Calgary Flames
Miami Heat
NOTE: The FBI stated that Koresh promised that there would be no mass
suicide. Well, all I have to say to David is:
"Liar, liar, pants on fire!! ...and your shirt, and your hair,
and...."
It looks like WACO is the next Boom town.
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