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David Letterman's Top Ten Lists
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? Late Night With David Letterman ?
? Top Ten Lists ?
? June 17, 1987 to June 25, 1993 ?
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Bernhard Goetz's Top 10 Pickup Lines - June 17, 1987
10. "Excuse me, Miss. I was shooting at the gentleman next to you.
9. "How'd you like to double date with the Sliwas?"
8. "Care to dance with an intense gun-toting loner?"
7. "You would have a very curvy chalk outline."
6. "I hate these pistol ranges, they're just meat markets."
5. "Sure, I know Gabe Pressman personally."
4. "Give me a scotch and soda and see what the punk on the floor will have."
3. "Which do you think is funnier - Deathwish II or Deathwish III?"
2. "The evening is young. Let's clean up this town."
1. "That is a gun in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
Top 10 Radio Formats - June 18, 1987
10. Dog-frequency easy listening
9. Bagpipes for lovers
8. Amish call-in
7. Top hits marred by heavy static
6. Brothers of superstars
5. 24-hour phone-in whistling
4. Noisy music for the unemployed foreigners next door
3. Gospel parakeets
2. News with swear words
1. Show tunes for sissy-boys
Top 10 New York City Science Projects - June 19, 1987
10. Summer Heat and Rotting Garbage: Fuel of the Future
9. Buoyancy in Mob Corpses
8. Roaches and Music: Pretty Much Any Nightclub in Town
7. Trigonometry of the Ricochet
6. Inducing Unconsciousness in Strangers
5. Shoving Matches: The Universal Language
4. Removing Flesh from a Gold Chain
3. Men Who Kiss Each Other
2. Bio-pneumatics: Token-sucking Observed
1. Lab Rats: Sissy Cousins to the Real Thing
Top 10 Sources of Friction in the Arnold
Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver Marriage - 6/22/87 REPEAT)
10. Language Barrier
9. Forrest Sawyer Drops in at All Hours
8. Puts Steroids in Mint Dish as Practical Joke
7. Uncle Ted Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
6. Thinks Jane Pauley is a "Fabulous Babe"
5. Refuses to Learn Works to "Edelweiss"
4. Muscle Magazines Leave No Room in Rack for Town & Country
3. Uses "Bulking up" as Excuse to Eat Like a Pig
2. Rose Always Wants to Arm Wrestle
1. Body Oil on the Upholstery
Top 10 Things That Will Happen Before
the Olympics are Held in Korea - June 23, 1987
10. Jesse Jackson Sends Away TV Cameras: Demands Privacy
9. Amish Terrorists Seize Airliner
8. Bob Guccione Offers Million Dollars to Barbara Bush for Photo Layout
7. Ishtar II
6. Jane Pauley Shaves Head to Lower Wind Resistance
5. Shuttle Mission to Moons of Jupiter Manned by the O'Jays
4. Record Turnout at New York City Ballet's Father/Son Picnic
3. to Star in TV Adaptation of "The Hobbit"
2. Sunday Morning Today Show Shatters Nielsen Record
1. Mike Tyson Named England's New Poet Laureate
Don King's Top 10 Titles for the Pope/Waldheim Meeting - June 24, 1987
10. The Meet at St. Pete
9. The Grapple Near the Sistine Chapel
8. The Thrilla in the Basilica
7. Vati-Krieg
6. The Nazi Meanie vs. the Guy in the Beanie
5. His Grace Meets the Master Race
4. Fun with the Hun
3. Woodstock II
2. Pops 'n' Schnapps
1. A Couple of Really White Guys Sitting Around Talking
Top 10 Off-Season Sports on ESPN - June 25, 1987
10. Uninflated Basketball
9. Fat Guy Hacky-sack
8. No-Hands Auto Racing
7. Shirts-and-Skins Speed-Typing
6. Amish Rake Fights
5. Miniature Horseshoes
4. Dropping Cows from Planes
3. Padded Suit Lumber Swat
2. Oprah Tipping
1. Dog Hockey
Top 10 Offers G.E. Has Made to the Striking Technicians at NBC - July 22, 1987
10. Immediate Upgrade of Bulbs in Desk Lamps to Next Highest Wattage.
9. Unlimited Air Travel on Delta Airlines.
8. Free Muppet Babies Mug with Purchase of Every Large Commissary Cola.
7. Kitchen Privileges at Michael Landon's Beach House.
6. Sports Crews on Road Trips No Longer Have to "Tuck In" Joe Garagiola.
5. Real Medical Personnel in NBC Infirmary - Not Willard Scott in
Nurse's Costume.
4. Free Copy of Robert C. Wright's New Album "Funk Machine".
3. End Bryant Gumbel's So-called "Buddy System".
2. Manila Envelopes Filled with Alf-droppings.
1. No Longer Have to Refer to G.E. Executives as Microcephalic;
May Openly Call Them Pinheads.
Top 10 New Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines - July 16, 1987
10. Delta: We're Amtrack with Wings.
9. Delta: Join Our Frequent Near-miss Program.
8. Delta: Ask About Our Out-of-court Settlements.
7. Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'em Off!
6. Delta: Complimentary Champagne in Free-fall.
5. Enjoy the In-flight Movie on the Plane Next to You.
4. Delta: The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides.
3. Delta: You Think It's So Easy, Get Your Own Damn Plane!
2. Delta: Our Pilots are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose.
1. Delta: We Might Be Landing On Your Street!
And 5 more just for the heck of it. . .
5. Delta: Terrorists are Afraid to Fly with Us.
4. Delta: Bring a Bathing Suit.
3. Delta: So That's What Those Buttons Do!
2. Delta: A Real Man Lands Where He Wants To.
1. Delta: We Never Make the Same Mistake Three Times
Top 10 Reasons Sylvester Stallone & Brigitte Nielsen Are Separating
- July 17, 1987
10. She Never Put the Cap on the Body Oil.
9. She Kept Confusing "Rocky II" and "Rocky III".
8. The Closest He Could Get to Saying Her Name Was "Buh-juh".
7. She Couldn't Get the Hang of Making Nestles Quik.
6. Her Ceaseless Cello Practicing Made It Difficult for Him to
Work on His New Translation of Flaubert.
5. Wrestling Pit Bulls Not an Adequate Form of Foreplay.
4. She Got Tired of His Tirades About the "No-talent" Arnold Schwarzenegger.
3. She Saw "Rhinestone".
2. She Got Tired of Explaining How the Paperweight Worked.
1. Fights During Scrabble Games Over Whether "Yo" is Real Word.
Peter Holm's Top 10 Grievances Against Joan Collins - July 22, 1987
10. Waiting Area Outside Bedroom Had Old Magazines
9. She Made Him Empty Makeup Buckets to Earn $20,000 Weekly Allowance
8. Other Pets Have Their Names on Water Dishes
7. Annoyed By Reminiscences About President Van Buren's Sexual Prowess
6. Couldn't Break Her Habit Of Hollering "Next!"
5. Wouldn't Support His Campaign for Presidency of "Weaselly Gigolo Club"
4. Never Invited to Annual "Night of 100 Paperboys"
3. Freak Electrical Storm Caused Bedroom Lights to Go on During Night
2. Somebody Finally Told Him What "Parasite" Means
1. Tired of Passing Motorists Honking and Yelling "I Had Her!"
Top 10 Dear Abby Letter Signatures - July 23, 1987
10. Bewildered in Baltimore
9. Can't Sit Down in San Pedro
8. Female, Bearded and Happy
7. Bitter-Soon-to-be-Divorced-Former-Swedish-Rock-Star
6. In Prison and Loving It
5. Naked in James Garner's Garage
4. A Cleveland Baseball Team
3. Bryant Gumbel
2. Mr. Pelican Pants
1. 'Whipped in the White House
Top 10 Other Things George Schultz is Mad About - July 24, 1987
10. Nude Photos of Mrs. Schultz Found in Ollie North's Wallet
9. Afternoon Hearings Force Him to Miss "His Stories"
8. Nobody Writes About His Obsession with Jody Foster
7. No One in Washington Wants to Get a "George Schultz" Haircut
6. Doesn't Get Half the Skirt Kissinger Did
5. His Video is no Longer in Heavy Rotation on MTV
4. "George Schultz Potato Puppets" not Selling Very Well
3. Hogan's Men Always Cutting Through Barbed Wire
(Sorry, that's Sgt. Schultz)
2. Always Gets Barbara Bush's Keys at White House Swap Nights
1. His Secretary Looks More Like Monty Hall
Top 10 Things Overheard at Billy Joel's Moscow Concert - July 29, 1987
10. Concert? I thought this crowd was to buy toilet paper.
9. I would applaud even if I were not ordered to do so!
8. I'm a communist party animal!
7. Our countries may have their differences, but we can agree
"Piano Man" really gets on your nerves.
6. There's no chance Yakov Smirnoff will come back, is there?
5. Check it out! Loose potatoes! Loose potatoes!
4. I'll bet they make this into another crummy HBO special.
3. The one who threw the Frisbee . . . shoot him.
2. His female fans are covering the stage with burlap panties!
1. You see -- they are not all as annoying as Donahue.
Top 10 Commercial Casket Models - July 30, 1987
10. The Dirt Master
9. Tupper-Tomb
8. Krazy-Kasket from Whammo
7. The Slim Reaper
6. The 19th Hole
5. McCoffin Styrofoam Casket
4. The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka)
3. Cap'n Crypt
2. The Cardboard Warrior
1. The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger
Top 10 Folk Dances Or Mild Nervous Disorders - repeat from 1986
10. The Tarantella
9. The Reel
8. The Jitters
7. The Clog-Dance
6. The Screamin' Meemies
5. The Fling
4. The Hula
3. The Willies
2. Just Plain Edgy
1. The Shakes/The Hokey Pokey (tie)
Top 10 Worst Jobs in New York City - August 4, 1987
10. Peep Show Booth Swabber
9. Subway Courtesy Monitor
8. Projectile Catcher, Base of Empire State Building
7. Derelict Stubble Maintenance Man
6. P.R. Director, Bernhard Goetz's Soul Kitchen
5. De-louser for Broadway Show "Cats"
4. Curator, American Museum of Bodily Fluids
3. Guy with Office Next to Rex Reed
2. Port Authority Singalong Leader
1. Mob Corpse De-bloater
Joe Niekro's Top 10 Excuses - August 6, 1987
10. The emory board is a new super-grip popsicle stick.
9. I only used it to apply Vaseline to the ball.
8. I needed it to scrape dried wads of chewing tobacco off the
bullpen telephone.
7. Delicate double-knit uniforms easily snagged on rough nails.
6. I was using it to make a statue of commissioner Ueberroth.
5. I used it as a bookmark for my dugout copy of Shirley MacLaine's
autobiography.
4. Rules of fair play are for saps and squares.
3. I've been hypnotized by evil dogs.
2. It was all William Casey's idea.
1. I like to give pedicures to ballboys.
David 's Top 10 Questions People Ask Me - August 6, 1987
10. Did someone cut your hair with a pocket knife?
9. Are you going to do Carnac tonight?
8. If you're really a detective, shouldn't you have some I.D.?
7. What sort of work are you looking for here at CBS?
6. Why would I want to pull your finger?
5. Who told you this was a nude beach?
4. More Champale, my funky friend?
3. Would you like an attorney assigned to you by the court?
2. Who is this? Why do you keep calling?
1. How did you get a show?
Top 10 Rejected Donahue Topics - August 7, 1987
10. People who keep thinking it's Tuesday
9. Heterosexual men who worship Judy Garland
8. Problems of guys named Don
7. People who have seen Raymond Burr naked
6. Blacks who really get a kick out of sonny Bono
5. Department store Santas who marry their customers
4. People who swear Rex Reed stares in their windows at night
3. Invisible mute people who don't show up on videotape
2. Women who just can't forget Ted Bessel
1. Professional Bowlers who touch themselves
Top 10 Unnecessary Surgical Operations - August 11, 1987
10. Hernia Implant
9. Saliva Transfusion
8. Decorative Lung Fringe
7. Internal Tanning
6. Carbonation of Spinal Fluid
5. Adding Third Taillight
4. Molding Liver into Shape of Little Scottie Dog
3. Ball-scuffing (A mistake, this should have appeared on
another list about Joe Niekro)
2. Permanent Bow-tie
1. Combining Large & Small Intestine into One More Manageable
Medium Intestine
Top 10 Surprises in the President's Speech - August 12, 1987
10. Pajama tops didn't match bottoms
9. Unexpected Bob Hope walk-on
8. Smouldering armchair in background cause for concern
7. Couldn't remember 4th & 5th verses of "Wabash Cannonball"
6. Impromptu cornet solo by Howard Baker
5. Obvious plugs for new presidential shampoo & conditioner inappropriate
4. Unannounced 3-minute clip from "La Bamba"
3. Refusal to add caffeine to 7-Up an odd cornerstone for U.S. foreign
policy
2. Tearful confession that he killed William Casey with poison blow-dart
1. Hysterical shouts of "We're hurtling toward the Sun!" made poor closing
statement
Top 10 Least Successful Yankee Stadium Promotions - August 13, 1987
10. Shave a player's legs night
9. Pick your own car radio parking lot bonanza
8. Oldtimers' widows vs. Triple-A All-stars
7. Your wife's nude photo on Diamondvision night
6. Anyone can pitch night (only against Cleveland)
5. Underwear swap with grounds crew
4. Yogi Berra makeover night
3. Look in Dave Winfield's pants night
2. A night in the court of Louis XIV
1. Players adjust your cup night
Top 10 Things Communists Are No Damn Good At - August 18, 1987
10. Surfing
9. Imitating Elvis
8. Laying Rubber in Front of the Dairy Queen
7. Arena Football
6. Stage-diving at Motorhead Concerts
5. Broadcasting Warm Sitcoms Featuring Lovable Black Families
4. Naming Soft Ice Cream Cakes
3. Ball-scuffing
2. Producing a Boxer with as Much Heart as Rocky
1. Guessing Final Jeopardy
Top 10 Excuses by the U.S. Basketball Team for Their Loss to Brazil at the
Pan American Games - August 25, 1987
10. Had really heavy lunches
9. Upset about Valerie Harper leaving "Valerie" show
8. U.S. team often played as many as 2 white guys at once
7. Overcome by mysterious sleepiness after barrage of blowdarts from
Brazilian bleachers
6. Disturbed by pregame discovery of Brent Musburger's shrunken head
in locker room
5. Unnerved by hundreds of Hitler clones doing wave in stands
4. Constantly threw ball out-of-bounds to stop shrieking of spider monkeys
3. That big liar Fred MacMurray didn't come through with the promised Flubber
2. Tired out from night before's mixer with gymnastic sluts
1. Team motto "Go for the silver" not very inspiring
Top 10 Things Overheard in a General Electric Research Lab - August 26, 1987
10. "Wow! Look at that stuff burn!"
9. "I keep forgetting, which is AC and which is DC?"
8. "Are you crazy? Do you know how much a recall would cost?"
7. "Whoops!"
6. "Watch what happens when I toss these bolts into the turbine."
5. "This is the episode where they almost get off the island."
4. "What we save on the radiation shielding, we can put into advertising.
3. "The new guy develped a new long-lasting, inexpensive filament. Kill him."
2. "The squid is no longer responding to the mind control! AAIIEEEEEE!
1. "Here comes the tour group. Put your pants on."
Top 10 Reasons Why TV is Better Than Books - August 27, 1987
10. Book readers miss out on K-tel record offers
9. Can't drive and read at the same time
8. No one ever got a paper cut from Hugh Downs
7. Books ask difficult questions but don't give away cars or cruises for
right answers
6. Books written by pasty-skinned geeks; TV full of chesty babes
5. "Soul Train"
4. Learning to work TV set solid training for future astronauts
3. TV easier to spell than book
2. No fun to dance in your underwear in front of book about Jane Pauley
1. Ralph Waldo Emerson. The Equalizer.
Top 10 Reasons I'm Retiring from Show Business - August 28, 1987
10. Tired of Endlessly rehearsing so-called "ad-libs"
9. Want to really get to know my bodyguards
8. New government regulations pay me more to not entertain
7. Thrill has gone out of humiliating underlings
6. grueling 4-hour work week just too much
5. No longer under protection of federal witness relocation program
4. must return to home planet for sacred mating ritual
3. Photos Paul ha sare more incriminating than I first thought
2. Jack Nicklaus asked me to . . . and that's enough for me
1. I saw last night's show
The Pope's Top 10 Complaints About His U.S. Tour - September 15, 1987
10. Often mistaken in restaurants for Lee Iacocca
9. Not sure how people got impression he came over to fight Mike Tyson
8. Disappointed to find out there is no real Ponderosa
7. Mark Goodman's hair
6. 7 bucks? For a movie?
5. McDonalds coupons from one city not always honored in another city
4. Hitchikers keep switching stations on Popemobile radio
3. Lukewarm crowd reaction to his 20-minute bass solo
2. Casey Kasem
1. Doctrine of Papal Infallibility no help to him on Final Jeopardy question
Top 10 Names for Robert Bork's Beard - September 16, 1987
10. The Chin Slinky
9. The Amish Outlaw
8. The See-Through
7. My Very First Beard (from Kenner)
6. The Lunatic Fringe
5. Senor Itchy
4. The Radioactive Goat
3. Salute to C. Everett Koop
2. Gopher Butt
1. The Babe Magnet
Top 10 Rejected Provisions of the U.S. Constitution - September 17, 1987
10. President may not use army and navy to get back at guy who beat him up
in junior high
9. Give vote to dogs who "think they're people"
8. When flag passes everybody has to open eyes as wide as they can and
say "Gollee!"
7. Third house of Congress to be filled by really fat guys
6. If president and vice president die suddenly, presidential office
shall be filled by People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive"
5. Cruel and unusual punishment is OK on Andy Rooney
4. The national bird must be served on a bun - never on a stick
3. Each state will have the right to claim they have the hottest-looking
babes
2. Damage deposit of $25 required before renting the White House for keg
parties
1. The president can change his name as often as he likes
Top 10 Questions Asked of Miss America Finalists - September 18, 1987
10. Since when is knuckle-cracking considered a talent?
9. If you were shipwrecked on a desert island with Geraldo Rivera, how
long would it be before you took your own life?
8. How's it feel to be the only contestant with a fat butt?
7. Aren't I a lot cuter than Bob Barker?
6. Have you ever been on a cruise with Gary Hart?
5. Why are they called celebrity judges when none has had a decent job
in years?
4. Aren't there any other girls in your state?
3. If you had to earmark one of the other girls for death, which one
would it be?
2. Quick -- spell America!
1. Do you really think you have a chance, Mr. Biden?
Top 10 Reasons Joe Biden Dropped out of the Presidential Race
- September 23, 1987
10. To promote his new album "Bad"
9. Plans to spend more time with imaginary coalminer relatives
8. He accidentally delivered Nixon's resignation speech
7. Realized he didn't have a chance against the Gephardt juggernaut
6. His term paper business is really taking off
5. Couldn't pronounce "Ich bin ein Berliner"
4. Finally got tickets for last leg of Dead tour
3. Decided to run for presidency of Hair Club for Men
2. "The New Monkees" are on TV now and a man has just so much time
1. Wants to chase skirts full-time with Gary Hart
Top 10 Things Robert Bork Regrets - September 24, 1987
10. Ruling against plaintiff in Lovable Homeless Puppies vs. State of Illinois
9. Starting a beard he couldn't finish
8. Challenging Ted Kennedy to a dough-eating contest
7. Bragging to buddies that he'd be tongue-wrestling Sandra Day O'Connor by
Christmas
6. Putting Pop Tarts in pocket of condemned man to see what electric chair
could do
5. Letting Billy Dee Williams beat him out for that malt liquour endorsement
deal
4. Letting Justice Rehnquist talk him into buying half-interest in boxing
kangaroo
3. All those long tear-stained letters to Ray Walston
2. "Doing the elephant" at Warren Burger's retirement party
1. Stormy 3-week marriage to Morganna the Kissing Bandit
Jessica Hahn's Top 10 Turn-Ons - September 25, 1987
10. Guys with their own amusement parks
9. Sipping drugged wine with someone who respects me
8. Making Mom really mad
7. Suits that are at least 30% cotton
6. Men who look like frogs
5. Jokes about Donna Rice
4. Some of the commandments
3. High school graduates who aren't all stuck-up
2. Men with wives who make me look good
1. A single perfect rose and a sack of hush money
Top 10 Other Things William Casey Said on His Death Bed - September 29, 1987
10. "Nice nurse outfit, Woodward."
9. "That fruit cake Mrs. Reagan sent me tasted kinda funny."
8. "They actually tried that Iran thing? I was just kidding!"
7. "Oh boy, only one more piece to go and I complete my Civil War chess set."
6. "Here's another one for you, Sandy Duncan is KGB."
5. "If Michael Jackson calls, hold out for half a million."
4. "C'mon. One last sponge bath."
3. "Damn! Just when arena football was getting good."
2. "If they make a movie, don't let Pee Wee Herman play me."
1. "Remember the Gong Show? I was the unknown comic."
Mikhail Gorbachev's Top 10 Excuses for Being Missing - September 30, 1987
10. Having cosmetic surgery to make his nose resemble Diana Ross'
9. In a really long line for toilet paper
8. Afraid he might run into Billy Joel
7. Wanted to just suddenly appear in public with really big muscles
6. Sick of being asked what "glasnost" means
5. Finally got hand unstuck from pickle jar
4. Working on ambitious plan to introduce chain of Rusty Jones outlets
throughout USSR
3. Bought van; followed Grateful Dead on tour
2. Overseeing joint CIA/KGB plan to eliminate Yakov Smirnoff
1. On a trans-Siberian sex bender with Miss Estonia
General Electric's Top 10 Earthquake Tips - October 1, 1987
10. To communicate with neighbors, flip porch light on and off
9. Shore up sagging foundations with newly purchased electric stove
8. Destroy Westinghouse products; replace them with G.E. products
7. Use blender to make pitcher of nerve-soothing daiquiris
6. Discourage looting by surrounding house with hundreds of open waffle
irons turned on high
5. Switch on yard and pool lights before evacuation
4. Prepare kid for tremors with educational rides in the washing machine
3. Boost morale by stringing up all your Xmas lights and turning them on
2. Entertain family by making crank calls to Sylvania headquarters
1. Use the dream of a 4-way light bulb of the future as incentive to stay
alive
Top 10 Current Goals of the New York Mets - October 2, 1987
10. Keep uniforms as clean as possible for the remainder of the season
9. Trace genealogy of name "Mookie"
8. Finally learn words to "The Star-Spangled Banner"
7. Think up rude new nickname for Whitey Herzog
6. Make whiny late-night calls to commissioner Ueberroth claiming Cardinals
are "cheaters"
5. Get to know -- get to really know -- stadium organist
4. Get green card renewed (Rafael Santana)
3. Sleep in (Darryl Strawberry)
2. Play last game of season buck naked
1. Sign up for area NFL teams
Top 10 Unsuccessful Mall Shops - October 6, 1987
10. Jiffy-Spay
9. Kentucky-Fried Pinworm
8. One-Hour Autopsy-Mat
7. Fatso Riley's Airtight Hellhole
6. The Prescription Drug Swap Barn
5. Big-and-Tall-Men's Lacy Lingerie
4. Dr. Don's Plasma Pantry
3. Mookie's Cookie Nook
2. Giant Radioactive Red Lobster
1. Grandma's Old-Fashioned Smallpox-Infested Army Blankets
Top 10 Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association
- October 7, 1987
10. Curious George and the High-Voltagge Fence
9. The Boy Who Died from Eating all his Vegetables
8. Legends of Scab Football
7. Teddy: the Elf with a Detached Retina
6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5. Joe Garagiola Re-tells Favorite Fairy Tails but Can't Remember the
Endings to all of Them
4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Pocket
3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
Top 10 Slogans of the Scab NFL - October 8, 1987
10. We're not football players . . . but we play them on TV!
9. Come for the refund . . . stay for the game!
8. Bring a helmet and join the fun!
7. Get spit on by Lawrence Taylor!
6. It still beats arena football!
5. Out-of-condition athletes guarantee plenty of personal injuries!
4. We have a fine selection of magazines!
3. Look! It's my old gym teacher!
2. Enough beer and you won't know the difference!
1. It's scab-tastic!
Top 10 Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize - October 13, 1987
10. You have to get kissed by herring-breathed King Olaf
9. Automatically disqualifies you from being a contestant on "Jeopardy"
8. Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender
7. More junk mail from fly-by-night award-polishing services
6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics
5. Have to get in embarassing kickline at end of ceremony with other winners
4. Friends always borrowing medal for 10% discount at participating Red
Lobsters
3. Run-ins with gangs of Pulitzer prize-winners usually end up in a brawl
2. Sarcasm of postman when he says, "Here's your copy of Big Juggs magazine,
Mr. Nobel Laureate."
1. Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action figures
Top 10 Ways to Make George Bush More Exciting - October 14, 1987
10. Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV
9. Divorce Barabara; marry 13-year-old cousin
8. Stick tongue inn Sam Donaldson's ear during press conference
7. Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna Arquette; return with
necklace made of bear teeth
6. Change campaign slogan from "Bush in '88" to "Party with the Bushmeister"
5. Answer questions on "Meet the Press" with "I'm too drunk to remember."
4. Bend standing microphone into pretzel-shape; give to cub reporter as
souvenir
3. Nickname him George "The Sexecutioner" Bush
2. Start hanging with Earth, Wind & Fire
1. Shorter speeches, tighter pants
Top 10 Iranian Pick-Up Lines - October 28, 1987
10. "You'd look great under a couple more veils."
9. "Truly Allah made you in the image of Heather Locklear."
8. "I hate these rallies against the American jackals -- they're just
meat markets."
7. "You'd look beautiful in the glow of that burning tanker."
6. "How about you and me hijack a plane to Cancun?"
5. "We could go to my place -- if you don't mind a few hostages."
4. "So the streets of the world will flow red with the blood of
non-believers. By the way -- nice earrings."
3. "I can't believe they're making another Police Academy movie."
2. "Which airport do you think has the loosest security?"
1. "I don't see it myself -- but people tell me I look like the Ayatollah."
Top 10 Scariest Sentences - October 30, 1987
10. Here's your bunkmate for the flight to Jupiter -- Miss Carol Channing.
9. You've been traded to the Indians.
8. All rise for Chief Justice Norm Crosby.
7. They're tiny, superintelligent, with poisonous stingers and I saw them
come in here.
6. I thought you sold our stocks last month.
5. Mr. Gotti wants us to teach you some manners.
4. How does it feel to be the new Mrs. Jerry Lee Lewis?
3. Looks like we're going to be cellmates -- pretty boy.
2. Bob Woodward is here to see you.
1. This nude beach is fun. Say, isn't that Tommy Lasorda?
Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips - November 4, 1987
10. The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
9. Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.
8. Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
7. John Gotti always has the right of way.
6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
Princess Diana's Top 10 Complaints About Prince Charles - November 5, 1987
10. Repulsive orange teeth after scarfing down entire bag of Cheetos.
9. Threatens me with beheading for leaving nylons hanging in bathroom.
8. Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards.
7. That phony British accent.
6. Never puts the cap back on the mango love butter.
5. Unfavorably compares cooking of my chef to cooking of his mother's chef.
4. Laughs like a hyena at reruns of "The Jeffersons."
3. Always calls Pizza Hut before we're decided on topping we want.
2. Constantly slips and calls me "Oprah."
1. Wears "Home of Big Ben" boxer shorts.
Top 10 Other Things Douglas Ginsberg Has Admitted Doing - November 6, 1987
10. Sneaked into other movies at the cineplex.
9. Cut through service station to avoid a red light.
8. Rebroadcast accounts and descriptions of game without the express written
consent of Major League baseball.
7. Actually bought the single of "Convoy."
6. Lied to pals about being member of the "Mile-High Club."
5. Wrestled in the South under name "The Junkyard Justice."
4. Used proper noun while playing home version of "Password."
3. Beat a drifter to death with a tube sock full of wood screws.
2. Used Prell for regular hair even though his hair is oily.
1. Skipped ahead to ending of constitution without reading whole thing.
Top 10 Least Visited New York City Tourist Attractions - November 17, 1987
10. The Museum of Subway Odors
9. Cat Meat Cook-Off
8. The Abandoned Auto Show
7. Amish Peep Shows
6. Chalk Body Outline Walking Tour
5. Knicks Games
4. Psychotic Loner Renaissance Fair
3. Mob Informant Aqua-Show
2. Mookie-Land
1. The Frozen Spit Rink
Top 10 Reasons Why Anthony Kennedy Will Be
Confirmed to the Supreme Court - November 18, 1987
10. Was given all the answers to committee questions by Bork and Ginsburg.
9. Has come out strongly against Liza Minnelli.
8. Promised everyone on committee dinner on him at nearest Red Lobster
restaurant.
7. Pretty handy with his mitts.
6. He was great in all those "Airport" movies.
5. Computer favorite following talent competition.
4. Already played a judge on episode of "Starsky & Hutch."
3. Parents have a ski house and they're hardly ever there.
2. Sold interest in chain of head shops a long time ago.
1. Looks great in black.
Top 10 Things Overheard in Times Square - November 19, 1987
10. "Quick! Call 911!"
9. "I'll take a pack of gum and a ninja spike, please."
8. "I'm pretty sure there's only one `L' in Rolex."
7. "Valet parking at the Port Authority? What a surprise! Here are my keys."
6. "Gibt mir die Polizei! Mach schnell!"
5. "Only one person per booth Mr. Chancellor!"
4. "You're right! It does smell a little like root beer!"
3. "I refuse to get on the bus to Ohio until we find the rest of Mrs.
Gardner."
2. "Yikes! Those hollow points really hurt!"
1. "It's getting so you can't tell the transvestites from the transsexuals."
Top 10 Way to Reduce the Federal Deficit - November 20, 1987
10. Eliminate throw pillows from the cockpit of the B-1 bomber
9. Make national park rangers provide their own hats
8. Start charging for tours of U. S. Embassy in Moscow
7. Step up taxation of rich - except for strategically important talk show
hosts
6. Sell ad space on president's forehead during State of the Union Address
5. Use tremendous military strength to "shake down" Norway for a couple of
grand
4. Charge a buck to take a poke at a condemned criminal
3. Print up a single jillion-dollar bill; use it to buy candy bar; pocket
the change
2. Don't send so many cakes to the Ayatollah
1. Let Ed Meese take a billion dollars to Vegas and try out his blackjack
system
Gorbachev's Top 10 Happiest Memories of America - December 11, 1987
10. Stocking up on toilet paper
9. Solving "Wheel of Fortune" puzzle before contestants
8. Crashing limo into Fotomat and pleading diplomatic immunity
7. Getting a great deal on that Rolex bought on the street
6. Not wearing underwear during treaty signing
5. Shouting out punch lines to Yakov Smirnoff's act
4. Looking up old skirt-chasing buddies from the Marine Corps.
3. Hearing own voice on the Home Shopping Network
2. Just getting away from the kids, Kremlin, the whole ball of wax
1. Spur-of-the-moment drive to Tijuana with Chuck Connors
Gary Hart's Top 10 Christmas Wishes - December 15, 1987
10. Newspapers latch onto photos of Michael Dukakis and bearded lady.
9. Jesse Jackson suddenly loses his ability to rhyme.
8. People start referring to sleazy womanizing as "Kennedyesque."
7. George Bush gets irresistible urge to fondle Jean Kirkpatrick at
press conference.
6. Complete set of yearbooks from the Barbizon School of Modeling.
5. To be played by Lorenzo Lamas in Donna Rice's made-for-TV movie.
4. Miss September consents to be his running mate.
3. Snow for a white Christmas.
2. So much snow that his secretary can't get her car out of the driveway
and has to spend the night.
1. The Landers sisters and a case of malt liquor.
Top 10 Least-Known Norman Rockwell Paintings - December 21, 1987
10. "A Boy's First Manicure"
9. "The Old Hobo's Infected Foot"
8. "The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout"
7. "Caught Touching Himself"
6. "Sniper in the Mall"
5. "Sweetheart of the Cell-Block"
4. "Christmas at the Hair Club for Men"
3. "Andrew Wyeth Nails Helga"
2. "Bad Clams"
1. "Turn Your Head and Cough"
Top 10 Elf Pick-Up Lines - December 22, 1987
10. "I'm down here."
9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."
8. "I was once a lawn ornament for Jon Bon Jovi."
7. "I can get you off the naughty list."
6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."
5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
at Keebler."
3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."
2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."
1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners."
Top 10 Way Circus People Celebrate Christmas - December 23, 1987
10. Geek says grace; bites head off turkey
9. Clowns dress like wise men and pile into tiny car
8. Bust into lost and found; try on hats
7. Warm slices of bologna on boiler of steam calliope
6. Get elephants to stomp open brazil nuts
5. Get drunk and take a swing at the ringmaster
4. Bake a pan of gingerbread pinheads
3. Put on Andy Williams records; have midgets waltz with monkeys
2. Tell really mean insulting jokes about Democratic presidential candidates
1. Walk down to the highway; throw bottles at police cars
Top 10 Things Dave Prays to God Won't Happen in 1988 - January 6, 1988
10. U.N. declares "International Year of the Vee-Jay"
9. Nabisco introduces Hair Newtons
8. Guests take me up on offer to "come back anytime"
7. Bryant Gumbel joins the carpool
6. Fans find out I'm voice of Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs bird
5. Peter Ueberroth allows Tommy Lasorda to manage nude
4. National Guard units start taking orders from Buck Owens
3. Copy turns up of my old movie, "Cockpit Sex Fest"
2. Leonard: Part 7
1. Venus slips out of orbit, scrapes Earth, I have to replace gutters
Top 10 Things that are Hot in the Soviet Union - January 7, 1988
10. Yankee rocker Bert Convey
9. Wet babushka contests
8. Turnips Cajun-style
7. Making smart comebacks to uniformed officers in your head
6. Smuggling out long-distance dedications to Casey Kasem
5. Catch-phrase "Workers of the world are not gonna pay a lot for this
muffler"
4. Claiming you once drove a cab in New York City
3. Souvenir swatches of Tom Brokaw's sheets
2. Having them page really dirty names over labor camp loudspeaker
1. Doing "the wave" at the Bolshoi
Elvis Presley's Top 10 Household Hints - January 8, 1988
10. A little club soda will get food stains out of satin capes.
9. Bargain metal polishes may discolor solid gold piano.
8. Use blowdryer to speed up defrosting time on TV dinners.
7. A wad of gum will keep medallion from sliding around your chest.
6. Stubborn stain on auto upholstery? Buy a new car.
5. Jewel-encrusted belts make good emergency snow treads.
4. Put Las Vegas souvenirs on mantle for "museum" effect.
3. Out of hairspray? Try Pam.
2. For a classy dessert, remove sticks from Eskimo Pies before serving.
1. A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
Top 10 General Electric Products in Development - January 12, 1988
10. Artificial appendix
9. Electric dreadlock de-tangler
8. TV audio system that automatically adds an Italian accent
7. 3-speed back shaver
6. Secret beam that causes brains of Sylvania executives to balloon up
until they burst
5. Telephone voice modulator that makes you sound like Alex Trebek
4. TV screen that makes every Cosby Kid look black
3. New patio for Robert C. Wright's house
2. Zombie monkeys who operate waffle iron
1. The vibrating pocket-buddy
Top 10 Rejected Themes for the Ice Capades - January 13, 1988
10. Big Bird Gets Mites
9. A Fat Smurf Hits on Dorothy Hamill
8. Eldridge Cleaver's Soul on Ice on Ice
7. Torvil and Dean Fight over the Guy Who Drives the Zamboni
6. Squeaky Fromme. Where Are You?
5. Snoopy Stains the Ice
4. March of the Not-Very-Masculine Ice Dancers
3. Peggy Fleming in Ice Bitches Behind Bars
2. Thin Costumes Plus Cold Air Equals Entertainment for Dad
1. True Ice Fishing Tragedies from Police Files
Top 10 Highlights of the Australian Bicentennial - January 14, 1988
10. Unveiling of world's largest been can pyramid
9. Prime Minister opens bottle of beer with eye
8. Colossal 500-pound shrimp lowered onto custom-rigged volcano barbie
7. Poet laureate manipulates beer belly to look like kangaroo pouch
6. Live national telecast of drunken Qantas koala set loose in convenience
store
5. Postage stamp issued honoring "Now that's a knife" scene in "Crocidile
Dundee"
4. Cultural Minister shotguns 6-pack of Fosters while singing "Waltzing
Matilda"
3. Schoolchildren given souvenir mugs of 3.2 beer
2. Nuclear missiles fired at Antarctica as climax of outdoor beer-a-thon
1. Bee Gees released naked in Outback; hunted for sport
Campbell's Top 10 Least Popular Soups - January 19, 1988
10. Cream of Gristle
9. Tomato Garagiola
8. Old-fashioned Grease & Weasel
7. Mink Bisque
6. Turkey with Platformate
5. Tap Water & Lawn Trimmings
4. Turkish Prison Surprise
3. Bryant Gumbo
2. Sideburns 'n' Barley
1. Manhattan-style Windex & Shrimp
Top 10 Questions Science Cannot Answer - January 20, 1988
10. Which one's Kate and which one's Allie?
9. How did Ed McMahon get my home address?
8. How can guys on the street sell real Rolexes for $10?
7. Why don't the laws of physics inhibit the expansion of Paul Prudhomme?
6. How can wrestling refs miss so many illegal holds?
5. How could the IRS be so dense about my "church"?
4. Why do men achieve orgasm in a second while women never have them?
3. Why, if Mr. Ed could talk, he never complained about having to stand
in straw soaked with his own urine?
2. How can 10 short items take an hour to read?
1. What exactly was Jimmy the Greek bred for?
Top 10 Least Popular Attractions at Disney World - January 21, 1988
10. The Raw Sewage Flume
9. Oprah Mountain
8. Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper
7. Parade of Short Actors in Stifling Animal Suits
6. Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room
5. Muggyland
4. Hall of Vice Presidents
3. Walt's Walk-in Freezer and Crypt
2. Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp
1. Peter Pan's All-male Cinema
Top 10 Excuses by the Denver Broncos - February 2, 1988
10. Pregame shoe mix-up with rockettes
9. Depressing halftime pep-talk by Larry Holmes
8. Wanted to keep uniforms clean for postgame photo
7. Weak with laughter from humorous banners in stands
6. Show-off John Elway called plays in French
5. Secure enough in our manhood to play gently
4. Worried sick about this George Bush/Dan Rather tiff
3. Entire team giddy with anticipation of "Late Night's 6th Anniversary
Special" on NBC, Thursday, Feb. 4, 9:30 Eastern, 8:30 Central
2. Wanted to beat the traffic
1. Coach's ill-chosen battle cry of "Let's win one for the late Roy Cohn!"
Top 10 Signs that Dan Rather is Goofy - February 3, 1988
10. Took swing at Hamburglar statue at New Haven McDonalds; made children cry
9. Marketing Dan Rather's Own Original Invisible Salad Dressing
8. Thinks the miniseries "Elvis & Me" is about Elvis & him
7. Likes to sit alone in office in empty box, humming to self, claiming
he's "on assignment"
6. Demands colleagues address him as "Debbie"
5. Obsessed with temperature in studio
4. Tells some friends he really loves Bartles; others he really loves Jaymes
3. He's not giddy with anticipation of "Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special"
on NBC, Thursday, Feb. 4, 9:30 Eastern, 8:30 Central
2. He's friends with Andy Rooney
1. Now signs off each broadcast "I'll paint any car any color for $99.95"
Top 10 Reasons We've Been on the Air for 10 Years
(Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special) - February 4, 1988
10. There's nothing else on
9. Watching me makes viewers feel good about their own haircuts
8. America has enjoyed watching Opie grow up on the show
7. Program costs less to produce than a pitcher of Kool-Aid
6. Many viewers believe Tom Snyder will return in mid-broadcast and
mop the floor with me
5. Youngsters think Paul Schaffer is a puppet
4. My friendship with Frank Sinatra
3. People love Vanna
2. The same reason people slow down for a car wreck
1. I love people, and I guess it shows
Top 10 Things Our Receptions Say Every Day - February 5, 1988
10. "No, Tom Snyder is not here."
9. "You're a bunch of guys in a college dorm? Let me give you Dave's
home number."
8. "Hello. Bill Wendell's Amway Headquarters."
7. "Thank you Mr. President, but no one here played in the Super Bowl."
6. "If you wish to sue Mr. Letterman, I can give you the 800 number."
5. "Nice language, Mr. Gumbel!
4. "I'm sorry. We're all out of transcripts of the bed-wetters show."
3. "No, I only lead the band during the show. I'm on the phones during
the day."
2. Oh yeah? Well, he probably thinks you're an unfunny jerk too!"
1. Yes, Mr. Donahue, Marlo's up here. But she doesn't want to talk to you."
God's Top 10 Pet Peeves - February 9, 1988
10. People who mumble when they pray
9. I've got to hear all of Andy Rooney's thoughts
8. Just can't seem to get California to fall in the ocean
7. People at the table who open their eyes and size up the pot roast
during grace
6. Being everywhere at once, I have to sit through the Tony Awards
5. The way they fire veejays before you really get to know them
4. Cosby acts so "stuck-up" lately
3. That Nissan ad with the obnoxious actors pretending to be auto engineers
2. Still getting flak for letting in Jim Morrison
1. Pat Robertson
Top 10 Ways to Perk Up the Bush Campaign - February 11, 1988
10. Star in aminmated commercial with dancing raisins.
9. Spread rumor he killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
8. Weep openly at Doobie Brothers reunion concert.
7. Get old CIA buddies to lob nerve gas canisters into Pete Dupont's
headquarters.
6. Let reporters find him naked in stalled car with Nina Blackwood.
5. Wear a cast on arm; claim he got it saving Sinatra's life.
4. Deliver speeches in a squeaky voice.*
3. Release doctored photo that makes it look like he's met President Reagan.
2. Give God $10 million to call Pat Robertson home.
1. Show up at Dan Rather's house swinging pool cue and shouting "Here's
you frequency, Kenneth!"
* Already does this.
Cornella Guest's Top 10 Things She Likes about Sylvester Stallone
- February 16, 1988
10. Can squeeze words "I love you" into a single belch.
9. I can feel free to quote in original Latin and Greek.
8. He's so cute when he tries to pronounce "debutante."
7. Easy to remember the endings to his movies.
6. The way his eyes lit up when I explained how Nestle's Quik works.
5. Makes my shallow Eurotrash friends feel at home.
4. He's the first man to literally drool over me.
3. He always says "May I?" before he marks a room with his scent.
2. Three more months and I've got grounds for a palimony suit.
1. His stupid heavy-lidded gaze puts me at ease.
Top 10 Reasons the U.S. Has Won Only One Stinking Bronze Medal
- February 17, 1988
10. Jamacian bobsled team tougher than we thought.
9. Thought you could rent skates there.
8. Distracted by fabulous shopping in Olympic Village.
7. Too much emphasis put on written portion of competition.
6. Majority of team mistakenly went to Calcutta -- where they're kicking
butt!
5. Distracted by Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford making out in the press box.
4. Hope to get high-paying "Agony of Defeat" spot on Wide World of Sports.
3. Ice dancers can't concentrate with dashing Mounties around.
2. Who cares? The real Olympics are Sept. 16 through Oct. 7 right here on NBC.
1. Uniforms are just so itchy.
Dave's Top 10 Election Tips - February 18, 1988
10. Practice voting by flicking light switch on and off.
9. Always find out how a candidate stands on Sunday beer sales.
8. If you repeat the name "Dukakis" 100 times out loud, it starts to sound
real funny.
7. We want a president who stands up to Iran or Iraq or whoever has the
bearded guy.
6. As a gag, close curtain in booth and shout "Hey who used all the hot water?"
5. Voting is important, but nobody would blame you if you stayed home to watch
"Hardbodies" on cable again.
4. If a station preempts wrestling -- call and complain.
3. Introduce yourself in bars as Albert Gore. Who would know?
2. President Stallone: it won't happen unless we make it happen.
1. Remember: your vote counts as much as people who know who the candidates
are.
Top 10 Cartoon Characters or Organized Crime Figures* - Repeat
10. Felix the Cat
9. Popeye the Sailor
8. Jimmy the Weasel
7. Matty the Horse
6. Rocky the Flying Squirrel
5. Dominic the After Dinner Mint
4. Scooby-Doo the Butcher
3. Grant the Chairman
2. Vito the Cartoon Chipmunk
1. Huey, Dewey, and Louie, Gli Anatroccoli Della Morte, the
Ducklings of Death
* The characters in this Top 10 List do not represent any ethnic group
and it would be erroneous and unfair to suggest they do. The majority
of cartoon characters and Italian-Americans are hardworking, law-abiding
citizens and a credit to our nation.
Top 10 Reasons Why Dave Should Have Been Named the US Magazine "Entertainer
of the Year" (Tom Selleck was) - February 23, 1988
10. My six-octave range
9. I design all my own costumes
8. Selleck's goons intimidated my supporters in key midwestern states
7. I did very well on the written part of the competition
6. Remember "Lassiter"?
5. I would use power of title to restore peace in Mideast
4. I spent over 20 grand on cheekbone implants
3. Selleck is only about 5' 1"
2. These readers' polls are turning into nothing but popularity contests
1. Damn it, I deserve something! Don't I?
Top 10 Ways the Show Would Be Different If It Were on Radio
- February 25, 1988
10. Could wear cheaper hairpiece.
9. Instead of endlessly repeating "It's hot in here" I could endlessly
repeat "Turn your radio down."
8. Guests could sit on my lap.
7. Could get laughs by using cheap sound effects instead of actual jokes.*
6. Could send out my autograph on picture of Pierce Brosnan.
5. Wouldn't have to be here at 6 a.m. every day for application of
prosthetic chin.
4. Enjoying show in moving car would be safer.
3. Teri Garr would be on a lot.*
2. Could probably say "Bite me."
1. Love songs, nothing but love songs.
* Do this anyway
Top 10 Problems of Anthony Kennedy Being the New Guy on the Supreme Court
- February 26, 1988
10. Have to rent robe until custom-tailored one comes in.
9. Stuck with worst equipment in Supreme Court weight room.
8. Have to go to liquor store on Fridays to cash everybody's paycheck.
7. Sandra Day O'Connor calling your legal opinions "cute."
6. Can't get high with Judge Ginsburg anymore.
5. Only get to write opinions for fender-benders and complaints about the
CBS Record Club.
4. Have to sell Supreme Court albums at table in lobby during intermission.
3. Last one to see Hustler magazine left over from Falwell case.
2. Can't put off reading the Constitution any longer.
1. Nobody takes you seriously when you sentence a guy to death by
electrocution.
Top 10 Unpleasant Things to Hear on an Elevator - March 1, 1988
10. Does this look infected to you?
9. Do you know these pants are reversible?
8. Hold the door! Willard's coming!
7. The acoustics in this elevator are perfect for yodeling.
6. Sorry about my finger. I was aiming for a button.
5. Would you do a number for us, Miss Channing?
4. We're both going to the 14th floor. How about a hug?
3. I'm not just a Jehovahs Witness -- I also sell insurance.
2. Does this smell like root beer to you?
1. Just ignore Duke. We're going to have him fixed soon.
Top 10 Good Things about General Noriega - March 2, 1988
10. Always says "Please pass the kneecap drill."
9. Generous frequent-flyer program on all drug-smuggling flights.
8. Offers comfort and reassurance to guilt-ridden riflemen in firing squads.
7. Sometimes gets misty listening to Julio Iglesias records.
6. His homemade Rice Krispie squares are the hit of every brutal
interrogation session.
5. Thrifty habits have allowed him to put away several billion on modest
soldier's salary.
4. Muffles screams of torture victims after 11 p.m.
3. Has world's largest collection of porcelain mice.
2. Never schedules public executions during Cosby show.
1. Gives young people who aspire to be blood-drunk lunatics someone to
look up to.
Michael Jackson's Top 10 Activities While in New York - March 3, 1988
10. Go to Museum of Natural History, try to purchase remains of tyrannosaurus.
9. Buy Broadway cast of "Cats" for backyard zoo.
8. Have slap fight with Greta Garbo.
7. Pick up an "I Love New York" mug for Tito.
6. Order more lingerie for Bubbles.
5. Meet Brooke Shileds; get legs waxed together.
4. Appear at comedy clubs with Emmanuel Lewis posing as Willie Tyler
and Lester.
3. Knock back shots and beers with ironworker pals in Jersey City.
2. Golf! Golf! Golf!
1. Rap with street gangs like ones in video; get crap beat of out him.
Top 10 Reasons Why Dave is Taking Next Week Off - March 4, 1988
10. City Council ruling that this time I have to clean up my yard.
9. Told Jimmy Swaggart I'd guest-host for week.
8. I'm just plain lazy.
7. Want to use up everything in kitchen and bathroom cabinets before
expiration dates.
6. CBS is putting "Adderly" up against us. Why even try to compete?
5. Square dancing! Square dancing! Square dancing!
4. Now is the time to plant zinnias.
3. Had Scheduled same guests as in repeats anyway.
2. Getting house ready for annual barbecue I host for my fans.
1. I'm going to Disney World with Brian Boitano.
Top 10 Things Characteristic of Ted Koppel or Insects - repeat from Feb. '87
10. Can eat through fabric.
9. Can feel superior to Sylvester Stallone.
8. Can carry gigantic crackers back to nest or dressing room.
7. Enjoy chats with Sam Donaldson about big melting Hershey bar on sidewalk.
6. Builds home out of own body secretions.
5. Can annoy Barbara Mandrell in her sleep.
4. Really enjoy Art Buchwald's jokes. (insects only)
3. Have ruined many a young boy's camping experience.
2. Sticky hair on legs useful in organizing evening's notes.
1. Can breed in standing water.
Top 10 Things Heard at New York City's St. Patricks Day Parade
- March 17, 1987 (repeat)
10. "Today, my name is Mayor O'Koch."
9. "Allright! Another bagpipe band!"
8. "Gee, food sure tastes good when you boil it."
7. "You have the right to remain silent . . . ."
6. "That's not a float -- that's Tip O'Neill."
5. "Awww . . . not on my shoes!"
4. "These foreign cars tip over much easier."
3. "Hey, that guy's not wearing green -- kill him!"
2. "While we're in the neighborhood, let's drop by the Museum of Modern Art."
1. "You'll get your personal effects back downtown, Monsignor."
Top 10 Expressions that Sound Dirty but Really Aren't - February 3, 1986)
10. "Frosting the pastry"
9. "Shooting hoops"
8. "Jumping the turnstile"
7. "Checking your oil"
6. "Tethering the blimp"
5. "Sending out for sushi"
4. "Picnic on the grass"
3. "Quarter-pounder at the Golden Arches"
2. "Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln"
1. "Windsurfing on Mount Baldy"
Top 10 Really Nice Things about New York in the Summer - July 5, 1988
10. Abundant wonderland of unidentifiable smells.
9. Out-of-towners overjoyed by secret hope that maybe they'll get to
manage the Yankees.
8. Air-conditioned comfort of bright, shiny, well-appointed subway cars.
7. Ed Koch usually out of town on "business."
6. Warm, thin air enables stray bullets to travel farther.
5. First-run Broadway plays waive no-shirt, no-shoes, no service policy.
4. Giant heat-seeking, bat-like lizards swarm skyscrapers at night.
3. Most cab drivers, in lieu of tip, gladly accept gentle kiss on forhead.
2. Bobbing corpses in East River make perfect water ski slalom course.
1. Tattoos, tattoos, tattoos.
Top 10 Things Iran & Iraq have Agreed On - August 9, 1988
10. Iran must remove "Iraqis do it with germs" bumper stickers.
9. Official name of conflict to be "The Duel in the Dunes."
8. In next war, Iran will be shirts; Iraq skins.
7. Bombs should not be counted as a piece of carry-on luggage.
6. Get to keep any really hunky prisoners until Labor Day.
5. Final body counts will be tallied by the firm of Price-Waterhouse
and kept secret until awards dinner.
4. Really ugly guys should wear veils too.
3. Leftover nerve gas to be piped directly into Rex Reed's home.
2. The television and movie producers are money-grubbing scum.
1. Will both try to say "I love you" more often.
Top 10 Good Things about the Greenhouse Effect - August 10, 1988
10. Melting polar ice caps make for better surfing.
9. Long lines at Disney World reduced by sunstroke.
8. With five years, Jerry Lewis' hair will be bone dry.
7. Can use "stuck in road tar" as acceptable excuse for missing work.
6. ABC will take a $200 million bath on Winter Olympics.
5. Intense heat should open pores in General Noriega's forehead.
4. My dog-shaving business will take off.
3. "I'm dehydrated" will replace "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this
muffler" as America's favorite phrase.
2. Can cook lobster by lowering it into toilet.
1. Hot babes, less clothes. 'Nuff said.
Top 10 Slogans for Cher's New Perfume - August 11, 1988
10. I smell you, babe.
9. It's like having a tattoo in a bottle.
8. I'm not gonna pay a lot for this perfume!
7. It's Cher-rific!
6. The crowning touch to excessive plastic surgery.
5. It's easier than bathing.
4. I get 12 cents for every bottle sold.
3. Now any middle-aged woman can marry a teenager.
2. Easy-pour splatter-proof bottle.
1. Bring out the Bono in your man.
Top 10 Things Edmonton Still has Going for It - August 12, 1988
10. Plenty of parking near hockey arena.
9. Good chance for kids to see caribou mating.
8. Competition now wide open for Oilers' M.V.P.
7. Many filling stations offer classy "hi-test" gasoline.
6. Visiting hockey teams sure to celebrate after games: pouring
money into local economy.
5. Only 6-hour drive to Calgary's abandoned Winter Olympic site
4. New advertising rates for broadcasting Oilers games very affordable.
3. Has big hearty laugh. (That's Ed McMahon.)
2. Won't have to change red bulb above hockey goal so often.
1. No traffic jams from Stanley Cup parades.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 National Guard Duties - August 23, 1988
10. Make sure armory's vending machines never run out of pretzel sticks.
9. Look through catalogs for cute gifts for officers' wives.
8. Enforce "No Horseplay" rule at public pools.
7. Play hula girl on skit night.
6. Make sure hot side stays hot; cool side cool.
5. Make cool explosions sounds when platoon trains with dummy grenades.
4. Beat local scout troops to best lakeside campsites.
3. Keep guys without shirts from entering 7-Elevens.
2. Write to Nancy Sinatra; urge her to visit base.
1. Round-the-clock blob watch.
Top 10 Things President Reagan Hopes to Accomplish in His Last Months in
Office - August 24, 1988
10. Get to know Paula Parkinson.
9. Send change-of-address cards to wrestling magazines.
8. Get snapshot taken with cardboard cutout of himself to baffle future
historians.
7. Swipe headphones from Air Force One.
6. Introduce himself to George Bush.
5. At last press conference, have Secret Service remove the pants from
Sam Donaldson.
4. Make final plea for Bush-Sharpton ticket.
3. Award Congressional Medal of Honor to Dick Gautier.
2. Get thoroughly briefed on what happened while he was president.
1. Call Jerry Ford about that time-share in the Poconos.
NBC's Top 10 Possible Slogans for the Seoul Olympics - August 25, 1988
10. You'll swear you smell the tear gas!
9. The Russians are back -- and we're goin' for the bronze!
8. Maybe you'll see a groin pull!
7. It's Gumbel-lievable!
6. What else you gonna watch? ABC? Come on!
5. Relaxed steroid testing equals more world records!
4. 100% guaranteed: no Dick Button!
3. Watch the ghost of Elvis cheer on our karate team!
2. We pre-empt Letterman!
1. These young people have spent a lifetime mastering goofy unpopular sports.
The least you can do is watch!
Top 10 Revelations in Albert Goldman's Upcoming Biography of Ringo
- August 26, 1988
10. Only Beatle to portray himself in "Beatlemania."
9. Used to give John and Paul token songs to sing so they wouldn't feel
left out.
8. Had a secretary named Lincoln while Lincoln had a secretary named Ringo.
7. For a while, actually believed Paul was dead.
6. Served in Indiana National Guard during Vietnam War.
5. Suggested "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees" as Beatles theme song.
4. On honeymoon, he and Barbara Bach held a "bed-in" to promote Seagram's
wine coolers.
3. Made a fortune selling cheesy Ginsu knife sets on TV. (Sorry, that's a
revelation about Ronco, not Ringo.)
2. Advised Paul that "Hey Dude" just didn't sound right.
1. Vocal on "Octopus's Garden" played backwards sounds like "Thank god
these other guys are so talented."
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Pick-up Lines - August 30, 1988
10. "Didn't we almost flunk out of school together?"
9. "How about a drink with a historical footnote?"
8. "I sure would have gone to Vietnam if the Cong looked like you."
7. "Can my father buy you a drink?"
6. "You could close your eyes and pretend I'm Jack Kemp."
5. "I think I saw Elvis last week at the Stuckey's on the interstate."
4. "Look! I've got a bunch of balloons with my name on them!"
3. "A girl like you could help a guy forget the irreparable damage
he's done to the Republican party."
2. "I'll be vice president after we beat Dukakis and Lloyd Bridges."
1. "Why yes, I'm Pat Sajak."
Top 10 Reasons Bush Doesn't Want to Debate Dukakis - August 31, 1988
10. Fears his whiny piercing voice will cause bedlam at nation's kennels.
9. Most of his free time taken up styling Barbara's hair.
8. Can't say word "rebuttal" without giggling.
7. Secret identity makes it impossible for him to be in same room as Dukakis.
6. Tired of League of Women Voters throwing hotel keys and panties at him.
5. Might be seen on TV by other "wife" in Alabama.
4. Can't compete with Dukakis' life-affirming Zorba dance.
3. Organizers refuse to play him on with theme from "Sanford & Son".
2. Afraid to leave Quayle alone for 90 minutes.
1. Network regulations would prevent them from debating naked - like
Lincoln and Douglas did.
Top 10 Things Overheard at New York City Payphones - September 6, 1988
10. "911? . . . sure, I'll hold."
9. "Oooh. What's this goo on the earpiece?"
8. "Mr. Gotti, that 'leaky pipe' won't bother you anymore."
7. "It's a pushbutton phone. But I didn't use my finger."
6. "This is Elvis. Any messages for me?"
5. "You don't know me, but your number spells out O-BITE-ME."
4. "This is Frank Stallone. I'm calling from my ... uh ... car phone."
3. "Gotta run -- don't want to miss a single minute of the Summer Olympic
coverage broadcast September 15th to October 4th -- only on NBC."
2. "Is that a thumb in the coin return?"
1. "Hello. Al Sharpton's office."
Top 10 Reasons Al Sharpton and Dave Are Best Friends - September 7, 1988
10. He gives me a good deal on Lionel Richie tickets.
9. I call him "Reverend" and he calls me "Admiral."
8. Together we form the best two-man beach volleyball team on the east coast.
7. We're collaborating on a book of children's stories.
6. The more he's in the news, the less attention paid to my messy divorce
from Julianne Phillips.
5. He gave me my street name "Dave."
4. Has my likeness on his gold medallion.
3. Usually volunteers to get in trunk when we go to the drive-in.
2. Most of the time, neither of us knows what we're talking about.
1. He makes my haircut look good.
Top 10 Things Overheard in Olympic Village - September 14, 1988
10. "I'm from the French team. Can I just see what a medal looks like?"
9. "After we get the gold in team handball, we just sit back and wait
for the endorsement offers to roll in."
8. "Who would've guessed Morocco's national anthem was 'Sometimes When We
Touch'?"
7. "I thought there would be rides."
6. "You want a ticket to the hammer-throw quarter finals? Good luck!"
5. "But officer, I'm the host of the Today Show."
4. "The Hyundai-toss is just an exhibition sport this year."
3. "Isn't that Elvis?"
2. "Official Dishwashing Liquid of the 1988 Seoul Olympics? You're soaking
in it!"
1. "Look -- Superman! Now we'll never win a medal."
Top 10 Things Elvis Has Been Doing Since 1977 - September 15, 1988
10. Flight attendant, Piedmont Airlines.
9. Did yardwork for the colonel to help repay loan.
8. Regularly phoned Dominos Pizza from mountain hideaway to get free pies
when they arrived late.
7. Amway.
6. Yankee manager: Aug.-Sept. 1979; May-July 1982; June-Aug. 1985.
5. Joined Hunt brothers in unsuccessful attempt to corner world's fudge
market.
4. Rooted around campground garbage in giant raccoon suit.
3. Used Vernon's influence to join Tennessee National Guard.
2. Taking care of business.
1. On-set tutor to Keshia Knight Pulliam on "The Cosby Show."
Top 10 Ways To Make a G.E. Executive Very Angry - September 16, 1988
10. Play "keep-away" with his company hat.
9. Bring in Sylvania bulbs from home.
8. Use plenty of two-syllable words in conversation.
7. Tell him there is no Reddy Kilowatt.
6. Ask him not to yell "Weeeeee" when riding the elevator.
5. Clip out article from USA Today on "America's love affair with candles."
4. Ask if G.E.'s guided missiles come in "avocado" or "harvest gold."
3. Use his "lucky pencil" without permission.
2. Ask him what the letters G.E. stand for.
1. Tell him you can't actually mate with cartoon characters.
Top 9* Good Things About Steroids - October 4, 1988
9. They don't leave your breath all mediciney.
8. Prevent Dan Rather's voice from drifting into soprano range.
7. Keeps me from having that I-don't-fit-in feeling with my Bulgarian
weightlifting pals.
6. We'll all need them to bulk up when the giant ants arrive.
5. Gives me the build I need for today's revealing fashions.
4. Great for community theater groups putting on Ibsen's "The Incredible
Hulk."
3. They're scrumpdillyumptious!
2. Lets me replace lame Dan Quayle jokes with lame steroid jokes for a few
nights.
1. Explains Bea Arthur.
* Only 9 to help NBC save money because they only made a measly $80 million
on the Summer Olympics.
Top 9 Ways Dan Quayle Prepared for the Debate - October 5, 1988
9. Underwent therapy to kick habit of licking hands when nervous.
8. Read a newspaper.
7. Tried to get copy of questions from frat brothers.
6. Practiced saying "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" as fast as he could.
5. Refrained from having sex with lobbyists for 48 hours beforehand.
4. Put on eyeglasses and mortarboard to look smart.
3. Trained rats to swarm over Brokaw on cue.
2. Lots of Binaca.
1. Wrote on hand: "I'm Republican. He's Democrat."
Top 10 Things Dave is Grateful to Johnny Carson For(The Tonight Show's
Anniversary Special - October 6, 1988
10. Gave me the name of a really good urologist.
9. By resurfacing his tennis court I've learned a new trade.
8. Once saved my life with Heimlich maneuver in Carl's Jr.
7. Stood by me when I was defrocked by Assemblies of God.
6. For pioneering the three-day work week.
5. One time after dinner sang special version of "Misty" for me. (That's
Johnny Mathis)
4. Turned me on to Amway.
3. Being a good sport about my upcoming marriage to his ex-wife Joanna.
2. Helped me get my talk show license.
1. Used influence to get me into Indiana National Guard.
Top 9 Things Overheard in Omaha at the Vice Presidential Debate - October
6, 1988
9. "I'm sorry Mr. Brokaw. Wine coolers aren't allowed in the auditorium."
8. "Hey Pat! Where's Vanna?"
7. "It gives me chills to think one of these men could actually cast the
deciding vote if there's a tie in the Senate!"
6. "What's Don King doing here?"
5. "For the 10th time, Mr. Brokaw -- no shirt, no shoes, no debate."
4. "Hey! That sleeper hold is illegal!"
3. "And you're no George Kennedy either!"
2. "Balance the budget? Hey pal, balance this!"
1. "Thank god he only came off as a run-of-the-mill boob."
Robin Given's Top 9 Grounds for Divorce - October 7, 1988
9. Got inexplicably sulky after she accused him of being a psychotic on
national TV.
8. Objected to mother-in-law's cot in their bedroom.
7. His cello practicing kept her up until all hours.
6. Liked to kiss with his mouthpiece in.
5. Always asking "Which one are you?" while watching the Cosby Show.
4. Kept spit bucket by bed.
3. Unsupportive of her career as golddigger.
2. His pie crust was dry, not flaky.
1. Thought a bloodthirsty killing machine would be more gentle.
Mike Tyson's Top 10 Ways to Mend a Broken Heart - October 11, 1988
10. Take a warm bath, sip a fine brandy, and toss a sofa through a plate
glass window.
9. Spend week trout fishing with Don King.
8. Compare your own life with Leon Spinks'.
7. Float rose petals in your spit bucket.
6. Put on as much gold jewelry as your spine can withstand.
5. Remember: there's plenty of heartless, calculating golddiggers in the
sea.
4. Remind yourself that your best years as a casino greeter lie ahead.
3. Rush into a hasty marriage with Brigitte Nielsen.
2. Pictionary, pictionary, pictionary.
1. Try to see the good in each new mother/daughter team your go out with.
Dave Letterman's Top 10 Driving Tips - October 12, 1988
10. Firemen like it when you race alongside them.
9. If pursued by highway patrol always pull over immediately, then try to
flee on foot.
8. Keep freezer bags in glove compartment in case you hit a steer.
7. With the right tools, any rental car can be a convertible.
6. When transporting a monkey don't let him take the wheel no matter how
much he screeches.
5. To let other drivers know you're there, start blowing your horn as you
leave the driveway and don't stop until you reach your destination.
4. Only use Bat Chutes in a real emergency.
3. An engineer's cap and bandana add an element of fantasy and fun.
2. There are no finer men and women than the officers of the New Canaan
Connecticut Police Department. They are the unsung heros of the 20th
century.
1. When cutting through yards at night, look out for kids in tents.
Dan Quayle's Own Top 10 Campaign Ideas - October 14, 1988
10. Dad gives every registered voter fifty bucks.
9. Silence critics by promising to start another war in Vietnam and fight
in that one.
8. Switch from Sugar Pops to more mature bran cereal.
7. Kegger!
6. Baffle Lloyd Bentsen by legally changing name to "Jack Kennedy".
5. Allow college to release records of guy who took exams for me.
4. Let Don King handle everything.
3. ** Insert your own Indiana National Guard joke here **
2. Cough a lot so people think Bush with outlive me.
1. Point out that many of the great men of history were lightweight zeros.
Top 10 Ways Dukakis Can Close the Gap - October 18, 1988
10. Appear taller and more in command by only taking questions from dwarf
reporters.
9. Talk about a zillion points of lights.
8. Charm and delight Americas's young people by pulling birds from his eyebrows.
7. Replace fundraising committee with Robin Givens.
6. Promise first act as president would be to kill everybody in Reebok's
U.B.U. commercials.
5. Demonstrate passion by wrestling nude with Bentsen in front of a
roaring fire.
4. Pitch no-hitter in seventh game of World Series.
3. Urge all citizens to stop buying jeans.
2. Steroids! Steroids! Steroids!
1. Follow Bush's example: dump Bentsen and name a dim-witted jerk as running
mate.
Top 10 Least Popular Hotel/Motel Chains - October 19, 1988
10. Edge 'o' the Runway Inn
9. Mother Goose's Unventilated Cinderblock Oven
8. The Prison-view Motel
7. Ol' Doc Mengele's Pocono Lodge
6. The One-key-fits-all Motor Courts
5. Al Sharpton's Polynesian Village
4. The Standing Water Tourist Trench
3. Bed and Bryant
2. Top 'o' the Dumpster in Midtown
1. Rip Van Winkle's Sleepy Gas Leak Motor Lodge
Top 10 Ways Bush Could Still Blow It - November 1, 1988
10. Show off new Lee Press-On Nails at press conference.
9. Promise first act as President would be a stamp honoring Gallagher.
8. Vow to replace land-based missiles with Digby the Giant Dog.
7. Illegal amounts of pine tar discovered on Barbara.
6. Make last-minute whistlestop tour, strangle a puppy at every station.
5. His prints found on gun next to Sam Donaldson's body.
4. Denounce Cosby Show as stupid piece of crap.
3. Pick Dan Quayle as Vice President.
2. Forget to respond to Final Jeopardy in form of a question.
1. Get photographed on ferris wheel holding hands with Al Sharpton.
Top 10 Upcoming Geraldo Specials - November 2, 1988
10. Live from Elvis' Grave with a Shovel
9. Is the NBA Being Ruined by Flubber?
8. By the Hollow Tree: Stakeout for the Keebler Elves
7. Gutterballs: Pro Bowling Groupies
6. We Get Drunk and Bust into a Gum Machine
5. Former Nazis Who Work at the Gap
4. The Dumbo syndrome: Men with Big Ears Who Can Fly
3. One Bird's Obsession: Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs
2. Geraldo and the Chipmunks Magical Musical Christmas
1. Raising Raymond Burr
Top 10 Things that Would Keep Me from Doing the Show - November 3, 1988
10. They need my chair up at the NBC news desk.
9. My poodle-grooming service really starts to make money.
8. A brutal alien-invading army demands that Earth send forth their champion.
7. Connie Chung finally drops that fat guy she's married to.
6. Any serious job offer.
5. A chance to go backstage at the Winter Garden and watch the cast of "
Cats" put on their makeup.
4. President Quayle.
3. A single word from Mr. Gotti.
2. When there is no longer a single cameraman, a single studio audience
member, or a single television set on the face of the Earth; then
and only then will I cease my endless strivings to educate, to
illuminate, to entertain.
1. If I still feel lousy tomorrow.
Top 10 Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Great President - November 4, 1988
10. Would not seem like brainy egghead when visiting nation's injured
professional wrestlers.
9. Boyish good looks would cause Mrs. Gorbachev to fall in love, reveal
state secrets.
8. His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man costume on national holidays.
7. Secret Service agents wouldn't have to take their jobs so seriously.
6. Hilarious hijinks when mischievous staffer tells him to go stand in corner
of Oval Office.
5. State of the Union Address would be three minutes tops.
4. Might really enjoy the part where after signing a bill into law, he gets
to pass out a lot of souvenir pens.
3. Would satisfy little-known constitutional requirement that Chief Executive
be "dumb as a tree".
2. We'd get to watch him grow up on TV.
1. Impossible to pick himself as Vice President.
Top 10 Dukakis Excuses - November 9, 1988
10. Forgot to wear "lucky shorts."
9. Thought election was first Tuesday in December.
8. It's just a big popularity contest.
7. Used Wendell to warm-up campaign crowds.
6. Couldn't believe anyone in a million, jillion years would vote for George
Bush.
5. Extensive campaigning in Belgium was waste of time.
4. Fell for Bush's old "you-vote-for-me-and-I'll-vote-for-you" trick.
3. ** insert your own eyebrow joke here **
2. Ill-advised pledge to "tax you bastards back to the Stone Age."
1. Didn't care about presidency; just wanted to win $20 bet that I could
do better than Mondale.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Questions While at the White House - November 10, 1988
10. "OK if I leave my clubs here?"
9. "Who are all the old farts in the paintings?"
8. "Can I have a Kermit phone?"
7. "Do we get the day after Thanksgiving off?"
6. "Would you tell me about the rabbits, George?"
5. "Are all the Playmates down at the sauna or are they shooting bumper pool?"
4. "Which button am I supposed to never touch?"
3. "Won't it be great if George and I win the big election?"
2. "Where did Prescilla sleep?"
1. "Mrs. Reagan, can I call you Mommy?"
Top 10 CBS Slogans - November 11, 1988
10. Tonight Dan Rather might do something goofy.
9. We're cheaper than cable.
8. We're the #1 network alphabetically (except for ABC).
7. Our high-frequency audio signal keeps you home rodent-free.
6. The network of the 1964 Winter Olympics.
5. Andy Rooney's only on for a minute a week.
4. For a $10 pledge, we'll send you a tote bag.
3. When the other networks run a commercial, why not spend a minute with us?
2. Ain't too proud to beg.
1. C'mon, what difference does it make? We all show pretty much the same
crap anyway.
Yassir Arafat's Top 10 Ways To Improve the PLO's Image - November 15, 1988
10. Award frequent flyer mileage during hijackings.
9. Really insane guys would have to see staff psychologist on regular basis.
8. Have Itzhak Perlman over for a nice piece of fish.
7. Put really funny message on office answering machine.
6. Change name to Palestinian Good Old Guys.
5. Promise for every airport bombing, we'll donate 50 cents to the Sierra
Club.
4. Kidnap Geraldo. Keep him.
3. Expel Jim & Tammy from ministry -- freeze their assets.*
2. Lots of Binaca.
1. New slogan: "You're never fully dressed without a smile."
* How to improve the PTL's image.
Top 10 Signs That People Are Getting Dumber - November 16, 1988
10. Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks.
9. Cher cologne.
8. Nobel Prize for literature given to guy who first hyphenated "oat-bran".
7. Quaylemania!
6. Japanese successfully marketing TV set that's just a cardboard box with
a picture of Fess Parker inside it.
5. Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making.
4. Most Americans can name no more than 2 of the 4 dancing raisins.
3. People will applaud even when no joke has been made.
2. Presidential Seal now reads "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.
1. I'm still on the air.
Top 10 Fears of Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear - November 29, 1988
10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap.
9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats.
8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts.
7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in '78.
6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male.
5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly.
4. Winnie-the-Pooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly suggesting
that he should be the fabric softener bear.
3. Something might happen to George Bush.
2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains "
snuggly" forever.
1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower.
Top 10 Least Popular Candy Bars - November 30, 1988
10. Lug-Nut
9. Turkish Prison Taffy
8. Hardened Toothpaste Mint Patties
7. Sunoco Resin Chews
6. Rev. Al's Marshmallow Medallions
5. Mexican Monkey Brittle
4. Good `n' Linty
3. Two Musketeers & a Guy with a Hacking Cough
2. Mookie Way
1. Roger Ebert's Mystery Log
Top 10 Reasons To Let Yassir Arafat into the United States - December 2, 1988
10. Already spent $50 for tickets to Radio City Christmas Show.
9. Can catch up with high school pals now driving New York City cabs.
8. Donahue desperate for guests.
7. He's already got a sitter for that weekend.
6. His 3-point shooting could help Miami Heat win first game.
5. Now says his past behavior just the result of "really bad cramps."
4. Promised PLO buddies he'd bring home Dancing Raisin dashboard dolls.
3. He could return that caulking gun he borrowed from me.
2. The man is, after all, Ricky Schroder's real father.
1. He's killed a lot of people. Sometimes I snap at my secretary. Nobody'
s perfect.
Top 10 Unsafe Toys for Christmas - December, 1986)
10. Junior Electrician Outlet Patrol
9. Hasbro's Slippery Steps
8. Black & Decker Silly Driller
7. Roof Ranger Paratrooper Outfit
6. Remco's Pocket Hive
5. Traffic Tag
4. Will It Burn? From Parker Brothers
3. Chimney Explorer
2. My First Ferret Farm
1. Ooh -- You're Blue! The Hold-Your-Breath Game
Top 10 Christmas Movies Playing in the Times Square Area - December 13, 1988
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes Round-the-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
Top 10 Campaign Promises George Bush Is Sorry He Made - December 15, 1988
10. To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO.
9. To bite head off rat at first press conference.
8. Bomb France back to the Stone Age.
7. To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing.
6. Appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarette in
mouth.
5. To deflower Brooke Shields on board the Space Shuttle Atlantis.
4. To dispose of radioactive waste through the home shopping Network.
3. At summit with Soviets, to try "pull my finger" trick on Gorbachev.
2. To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch.
1. To reveal during inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis.
Top 10 Least Popular Christmas Gifts - December 21, 1988
10. Andre-the-Giant Champagne
9. Hickory Farms Smoked Gristle Assortment
8. Phil Donahue's "A Boy's First Dress"
7. An hour of free advertising on CBS
6. The Jimmy Swaggart Pop-up Book
5. Angry-Live-Bird-in-a-Bag from Hartz Mountain
4. Dan Rather Lather Skin Bracer for Men
3. The Living Weasel Wallet
2. Al Sharpton Hairstyling Spackle
1. Isotoner Diapers
Top 10 Circus Family Holiday Traditions - December 22, 1988
10. Grandpa Geek leads family in prayer -- then bites head off live turkey.
9. Put star on top of pinhead.
8. Get elephant to sit on Fotomat booth.
7. Count off 12 days of Christmas -- 1 day per finger.
6. Graft red rubber ball onto goat's nose: charge saps 5 bucks to see "Rudolph."
5. Carols sung in harmony by two-headed boy.
4. Extend turkey stuffing with sawdust.
3. Let Monkey Boy wear festive green diaper.
2. Sit-down dinner of corn dogs, cotton candy, and pink lemonade.
1. Get liquored up, go to town, scare decent folk.
Top 10 Elf Fears - December 23, 1988
10. Contracting Lyme disease from showering with reindeer.
9. The end of somebody's tiny little hammer will fly off and crack a skull
open.
8. Massive layoffs from impending Santa-Keebler merger.
7. Getting stranded after dark in a pixie neighborhood.
6. They'll die and go to hell.
5. First elf president will probably not come in their lifetime.
4. Low blood pressure will make it difficult to maintain curled toes.
3. Something happens to Bush.
2. Santa will replace them with really smart Oriental kids.
1. Bell rash.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the All-Star Game - July 11, 1989
10. See all those kids in the right field bleachers? Steve Garvey's.
9. What the hell is Al Sharpton doing coaching third?
8. Somebody call Dodger Stadium and see if Reagan went there by mistake.
7. Boy! All-Stars sure scratch themselves a lot!
6. I know Reagan is doing the play-by-play, but why is Jimmy Carter selling
nachos?
5. Look! Tommy Lasorda's taking a leak in the parking lot!
4. Because the rules say we have to pick one member from every team -- please
welcome Doug Jones of the Cleveland Indians.
3. Yes, Mr. President, they've used gloves for some time now.
2. More kraut on that dog Miss Garbo?
1. Steinbrenner, though he has no connection with this particular contest,
sucks.
Top 10 Safety Tips for Flag Burners - July 12, 1989
Don't even think about burning one in the presence of a certain proud American:
Namely me, Dave Letterman.
Top 10 New York City Fashion Statements - July 13, 1989
10. Honey, I Shrunk the Pants.
9. Blind Date.
8. Bozo's Mistress.
7. Dressed to Grill.
6. America's Most Wanted.
5. Your Ad Here.
4. Ghostbusters III.
3. Mork from New York.
2. Hey Look -- Hookers!
1. To the Opera, James.
President Bush's Top 10 Gaffes While in Europe - July 14, 1989
10. Addressed heads of lesser-developed nations in baby talk.
9. When presented with vintage camembert commented "Phew! What died?"
8. Ill-conceived speech to French military command: "We bailed out your
sorry butts."
7. Tried to go into Hungarian 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
6. Gave away ending of "Ghostbusters II" to Lech Walesa.
5. Remarked to Bulgarian minister "You people sure turn out some good carnival
acts."
4. Asked curator at the Louvre "Where's the pictures of naked broads?"
3. Accidentally told other world leaders that Quayle is vice president.
2. Washed out shorts in the bidet.
1. Loudly announcing everywhere he went "Ich bin ein Batman."
Top 10 Features of the New Stealth Bomber - July 18, 1989
10. Has 2" ball hitch on back so it can pull stealth trailer.
9. Makes square and crescent shaped ice cubes.
8. Plenty of room on wing for Trump logo.
7. Computer tabulator shows pilot up-to-the-minute frequent flyer mileage.
6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down.
5. Siren sounds if monster appears on wing like in Twilight Zone.
4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded boxing glove.
3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing "We Will Rock You" across a
continent.
2. Advanced bombsights allow crew to deliver payload right down Khadafy's
shorts.
1. Kids fly free.
Batman's Top 10 Pet Peeves - July 19, 1989
10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody
he's not a professional wrestler.
9. When you can see outline of underwear through Bat Suit.
8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the
Batmobile.
7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile.
6. Really stupid people that shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?"
5. When dry cleaners accidentally switches Bat Suit and San Diego Chicken
costume.
4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake.
3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman.
2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard
can summon him at night.
1. When people call him "The Batman" -- it's just "Batman," damn it!
Top 10 Things Dave Would Have Said if He'd Been First Man on the Moon - July
20, 1989
10. Any music for this, Paul?
9. Reminds me of Muncie.
8. I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I was going 18,000 mph.
7. Could you hold that cue card a little higher?
6. If I drink one more packet of Tang, I'm gonna puke.
5. Hello Casey? I have really long distance dedication.
4. Man, do I have to take a leak!
3. Phylicia Ayers-Allen -- will you marry me?
2. Hey! It's Elvis!
1. One small step for Dave; one giant leap for Dave's moonlanding T-shirt
sales.
Top 10 Names for the Letterman Estate - July 25, 1989
10. Camp David
9. Graceland North
8. Drifter's Haven
7. The Old Helmsley Place
6. Colonel Dave's Post World War III Love Bunker
5. The Deep Woods Tick Ranch
4. The Taj Ma Hal Gurnee
3. The House that Ruth Buzzi Built
2. The Swankienda
1. Shangri-Dave
Top 10 Secrets Felix Bloch Revealed to the Soviets - July 26, 1989
10. The stealth bomber can be knocked out of the sky with an ordinary garden
hose.
9. So-called "secret sauce" is nothing but catsup and mayonnaise mixed
together.
8. Take the Reds and two runs over the Padres.
7. The Joker didn't really die at the end of "Batman".
6. Tom Brokaw's American Express number: 360-9950-4425 (expires 4/91).
5. 101 guaranteed sure-fire pickup lines.
4. The true identity of the San Diego Chicken.
3. Try lemon juice on those stubborn grass stains.
2. Helen Hayes goes nuts when you blow on the back of her neck.
1. Dan Quayle is only pretending to be a dumb guy.
Top 10 Ways Dave Will Lower His Cholesterol - July 27, 1989
10. Use skim milk in my coffee instead of mayonnaise.
9. Have my private nurse discontinue the intravenous liquid cheese feedings.
8. Pay a 10-year-old kid to take my test for me.
7. Cancel my annual "Cool Hand Luke" egg-eating contest.
6. Visit a quack nutritionist in Guatemala who for $1,000 will play with the
numbers and give me a low count.
5. Instead of sitting in my chair and telling my assistant to run my errands,
I'll walk over to her desk and tell her to do them.
4. Replace cholesterol-clogged arms and legs with cool bionic limbs.
3. No more fooling around on weekends answering door in sculpted beard of
butter.
2. No longer use blacking-out as signal to stop at all-you-can-eat fried
clam bars.
1. Use my wealth and power to pressure the A.M.A. to dangerously lower their
standards.
Adnan Khashoggi's Top 10 Money-Saving Tips - July 28, 1989
10. If you're careful, a yacht can be used more than once.
9. HBO or Cinemax -- not both.
8. Caviar Helper.
7. Have Leona Helmsley do all your shopping for you.
6. No more loans to Pete Rose.
5. For entertainment at next party, hire Frank Sinatra Jr.
4. Don't pay a lot for your muffler.
3. Live at Letterman's place for a while.
2. Two words: token sucking.
1. Quit trying to keep up with the Trumps.
Top 10 New York City Hats - August 1, 1989 [another visual one]
10. The psychedelic juicer
9. F.T.D.-lightful
8. They were all out of Batman hats
7. Probably Steve Garvey's
6. Buy one get one free
5. Mom and Dad -- my fiance
4. Looking for Dave's house
3. Honey, I shrunk the hat
2. We hope it's a hat
1. The guy from Ipanema
Top 10 Ways Rob Lowe Could Fulfill His Community Service - August 2, 1989
10. Share tips with high school audio-visual clubs.
9. Give counseling sessions to Steve Garvey.
8. Pose nude for prison art classes.
7. Spend one Saturday each month as Yankee manager.
6. Read aloud to Dan Quayle.
5. Lecture to church groups on differences between Beta and VHS.
4. Clean graffiti off back of Roger Ebert.
3. Hunt down and kill Judd Nelson.
2. Remind apathetic youth of rewards of getting involved in political
conventions.
1. Keep eye open for Bat Signal while Batman naps.
Top 10 Reasons Dave Would Make a Good Father - August 3, 1989
10. My hairpiece makes a great crib toy.
9. House already loaded with Cocoa-Puffs and Tang.
8. Could praise fingerpainting because I'm used to lying to guests about
how good they were.
7. Generous gifts to my old college guarantee kids get at least a third-
rate education.
6. Kids and I could learn the facts of life together.
5. I'd know when to switch from Cycle 1 to Cycle 2.
4. We could do an Oldsmobile commercial together.
3. I'm loaded.
2. If scheduled babysitter doesn't show up, I could always book Marv Albert.
1. If Dick van Patten can do it, so can I.
August 4, 1989 -- Missed it. Sorry!
Top 10 Demands of the Striking Telephone Workers - August 8, 1989
10. Sick of getting paid in quarters.
9. Make it illegal for people to answer the phone: "Yel-lo!"
8. Full protective clothing and breathing apparatus for guys who clean
mouthpieces of New York City payphones.
7. Can refuse to repair phones shaped like cartoon cats.
6. Right to listen in on Rob Lowe's phone conversations.
5. Operators no longer have to make busy-signal sound with their mouths.
4. Power to send National Guard troops to level homes of people with funny
answering machine messages.
3. Authorization to say, "Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of crud."
2. The right to call everyone "Larry" -- as in: "Thank you for using AT&T,
Larry."
1. Stop all the damn ringing! Ringing! Ringing!
Top 10 Cartoons Shows in Iran - August 9, 1989
10. Ayatollah Turtle
9. Scooby Abu Nidal
8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel Dog
5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt!
4. Carlos the Jackal
3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
2. The Moose in the Burnoose
1. Really Looney Tunes
Top 10 Better Ways To Spend $166 Billion - August 10, 1989
10. Put aluminum siding on every house on the planet.
9. Buy Leona Helmsley breakfast.
8. Back-to-school clothes for all of Steve Garvey's kids.
7. Cab ride from JFK to Manhattan.
6. Marry Robin Givens.
5. Give it to Pete Rose. See if he can double it.
4. Hire Jack Nicholson to play Yosemite Sam on this show every night for
a year.
3. Give fabulous gifts for the Late Night audience -- the best damn audience
in the world.
2. Pay a real lot for your muffler.
1. Walk into every pet shop in the world and announce, "Hey everybody!
The dogs are on me!"
Top 10 New York City Tourist Attractions - August 11, 1989 [This was another
visual one]
10. The Sewer Rat Petting Zoo
9. The Health Inspector Evasion Drill
8. Leona Helmsley's Closet: A Look into the Future
7. Bailout! The Savings and Loan Musical
6. Sidewalk Siskel
5. The Hollywood Squares Minimum Security Prison
4. The King
3. The Desperately Lonely Man's Escort Service
2. The Ayatollah's U.S. Tour '89
1. Mike Tyson's Spit-Bucket Wishing Well
Top 10 Lessons from Woodstock - August 15, 1989
10. Not everyone looks good naked.
9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
5. Never attend an event with a 50,000-to-1 person to Port-a-San ratio.
4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
2. I, Dave Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid
to future generations.
Top 10 Pet Peeves of the Ghost of Elvis - August 18, 1989
10. Never got a chance to try them Dove Bars.
9. Ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci never really thanked me for the Cadillac I
gave him.
8. When people you never heard of claim you live in their toaster.
7. 7-Elevens in Netherworld don't carry Ring-Dings.
6. That pansy Casper.
5. Being a bodiless vaporous spirit makes it hard to hold a chili dog.
4. All those strangers walking through my house.
3. A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner thinks he's a "
ghostbuster."
2. I wore capes before Batman made it hip.
1. Trying to get ouija board to spell out "double order of ribs to go."
Top 10 Reasons Cher Couldn't Make It on the Show - August 19, 1989
10. One of her tattoos is infected.
9. Blown transmission on the Chermobile.
8. Double date with Luis Polonia.
7. Today is her baking day.
6. For national security reasons, she and Buck Henry cannot be in the same
place at the same time.
5. Slipping cheekbone implants causing her to look like playful squirrel.
4. Recent revelation that her perfume releases a gas that peels paint off
cars.
3. Heard Paul Prudhomme was going to wear same outfit.
2. Her gene-splicing research is at a critical stage.
1. She's very, very shy.
Top 10 Columbian Tourist Slogans - September 5, 1989
10. You can't put a street value on fun.
9. Where the hits just keep on comin'!
8. Bored with Beirut?
7. Where every jungle clearing is an international airport.
6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting.
5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his "coffee" plantation.
4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong.
3. A one-ounce "souvenir" can pay for your entire vacation.
2. Tourists? We don't need no stinking tourists!
1. It's like Club Med with car bombs!
Top 10 Thoughts of New Yorkers - September 6, 1989 [another visual one]
10. Say, that old lady is holding her own against those three punks.
9. I hope that's from a dripping air conditioner.
8. If they only knew that I, Don Diego -- am Zorro!
7. This is the worst Hawaiian vacation I've ever been on.
6. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
5. Mrs. Lasorda... Mrs. Tommy Lasorda... Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Lasorda... Mrs.
T. Lasorda... Tommy and me....
4. I'm going to sit on this bench until my legs are a deep mahogany.
3. Hey! Those hot dogs smell like Mom!
2. Another hour and I break for lunch.
1. I wish I had a holster like the other kids.
Top 10 Signs that Jim Bakker Is Sane and Competent - September 7, 1989
10. No longer believes he's being stared at by Pez dispenser.
9. Thinks Rorschach inkblots look like Tammy Faye's makeup.
8. Conversations with God now limited to weather and sports.
7. Withdrew his Miss America entry form.
6. Declared he would never intentionally pay a lot for his muffler.
5. Voices in his head now play love songs -- nothing but love songs.
4. He's an excellent driver.
3. Now understands big scary invisible animals are as afraid of him as he
is of them.
2. Has started interviewing church secretaries again.
1. He didn't wait two years for tickets to watch someone groom a poodle.
Top 10 Reasons Arnold Schwarzenegger Dropped Out as Miss America Judge -
September 8, 1989
10. They wouldn't let him sing "Here She Comes, Miss America."
9. Thought he'd have to wear stupid black robe and powdered wig.
8. Just found out what those bastards did to Bert Parks.
7. Afraid TV Guide would put his head on Ann-Margret's body.
6. Conflict of interest when Miss Massachusetts turned out to be Rose Kennedy.
5. Learned swimsuit pose-off was open only to contestants -- not judges.
4. Heard they wouldn't validate parking.
3. Groin pull.
2. Got better offer to judge Star Search.
1. He's 'whipped.
Top 10 Reasons Hugh Hefner Will Make a Good Father - September 12, 1989
10. Can warm bottles of formula in the hot tub.
9. Could teach child math while explaining how his half-sister is older
than his mother.
8. No greater authority figure than a Dad who hangs around all day in a
bathrobe.
7. Jimmy Caan always available to babysit.
6. Can help them make college choice through a "Girls of the Big Ten"
pictorial.
5. If the kid gets flu, there's plenty of penicillin on hand.
4. Could lull tot to sleep with nursery rhyme about "The Man from Nantucket."
3. Can teach youngster facts of life using nude photos of Mom.
2. Would make the swingingest Little League coach ever.
1. If he didn't care about America's young people, he wouldn't marry them.
Top 10 Ed Koch Excuses - September 13, 1989
10. Leona Helmsley endorsement less help than expected.
9. Shouldn't have boasted about having "the deepest pot holes in the whole
wide world."
8. Graduates of city schools couldn't read name on ballot.
7. Failed to deliver on pledge to go underground and personally capture
the big hairy guy from "Beauty & The Beast."
6. Should have listened when people answered "How'm I doin'?" by saying "
You suck."
5. Mistake declaring crumbling bridges and tunnels "thrill rides."
4. Wasted money buying unseen ads during Letterman show.
3. Should have shook hands and kissed babies -- not vice versa.
2. Became laughing stock when Batman never answered signal outside City Hall.
1. Most Koch supporters lost right to vote when convicted.
Top 10 Reasons Exxon Is Leaving Alaska - September 14, 1989
10. Sometimes had to drive miles to find liquor store.
9. Planning big oil spill off California.
8. Going to start really big job of cleaning up Exxon station restrooms.
7. Somebody thought they saw Bigfoot.
6. Just got contract to take makeup off Tammy Faye Bakker.
5. Decided black gunk covering coastline and wildlife actually looks kind
of cool.
4. Big party this weekend at Captain Hazelwood's.
3. Wanted to be there to give Zsa Zsa all the support she needs.
2. Time to face the fact that Batman isn't gonna answer Bat-signal.
1. Have to move on to screw up bigger and better things.
Top 10 Rules of the Miss America Pageant - September 15, 1989
10. Liposuction is permitted; but not as part of the talent competition.
9. Contestants must check out of judges' hotel rooms by 11:00 a.m.
8. Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends a night in the box.
7. The balk rule will be enforced.
6. Non-finalists standing in the background may smoke discreetly
5. Scholarship money may not be applied toward candy.
4. Contestants with private armies may not topple duly elected winner.
3. No Gabors.
2. For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least 80% of their bodies
must be from their home state.
1. Contestants may use Vaseline on teeth; not on Gary Collins.
Top 10 Signs that Chef Boyardee Is Losing His Mind - September 19, 1989
10. Believes Spaghetti-O's can be used as birth control device.
9. Obsessed with idea of tomato-based cologne.
8. Recently got engaged to Robin Givens.
7. Test marketing "Pasta 'n' Thumbs."
6. At recent sales meeting, dropped pants and said, "Let's put the boy back
in Boyardee!"
5. Paranoid delusion that wife is sleeping with Uncle Ben.
4. Every few minutes and for no apparent reason, yells "Bingo!" at the top
of his lungs.
3. Believes he is Mrs. David Letterman.
2. Instead of traditional chef's "OK" sign, now just gives the finger.
1. Taken to splashing himself with spaghetti sauce and wandering around
bus station chanting, "Lick me."
Top 10 Signs that Ronald Reagan is Recovering - September 20, 1989
10. He starting to forget things again.
9. Just signed to fight George Forman.
8. Last night, for first time since the operation, he sang along with the "
Three's Company" theme.
7. Returned to post on Sunset and Vine selling maps to the stars' homes.
6. Puts up vigorous fight whenever Nancy just says no.
5. Called Iran to see if they need any weapons.
4. Can distinguish between what he saw in movie and what actually happened
in Broadway musical.
3. No longer takes naked strolls pushing wheelbarrow. Now leaves wheelbarrow
home.
2. Came out of anesthesia shouting, "Bush is president? We're doomed!"
1. Because Nancy says so.
Top 10 Complaints of Jane Pauley - September 21, 1989
10. Deborah Norville points to nameplate on door and asks "Will that come
off easily?"
9. Network garage doesn't have discount rate for dirt bikes.
8. Replaced on news updates by cartoon goose.
7. Commissary's mandatory shirt and shoes rule.
6. Token-sucking not as easy as it looks.
5. 3:00 a.m. calls from liquored-up Linda Ellerbee begging her to try Maxell
House coffee.
4. Barroom bouncers who say "I'll call you" -- but never do.
3. Having to drive Letterman to and from work.
2. Your name has to be "Bill Cosby" before NBC will kiss your butt.
1. Them screamin' brats of hers.
Top 10 Numbers Between One and Ten - September 22, 1989
10. Seven
9. Four
8. Ten
7. Three
6. Eight and a half
5. Nine
4. Two
3. One
2. Eight
1. Five & Six (tie)
Top 10 Mr. Wizard Experiments - October 3, 1989
10. Let's flush a canned ham down the toilet.
9. Will your head fit here?
8. Taking a core sample of Tammy Faye Bakker's mascara.
7. Getting free HBO.
6. How many beers before you make a pass at Bea Arthur?
5. How much Crisco can you eat?
4. Substitution of Folgers Crystals for freshly brewed coffee.
3. Dressing like Mrs. Wizard.
2. A potato in your pocket: the moist, dark world of growth.
1. Those two flight attendants in Dallas.
Top 10 Panamanian Coup Excuses - October 5, 1989
10. Newspaper printed wrong starting time for coup.
9. Thought we were just staging another "battle" for CBS news.
8. All those Spanish street names -- it's easy to get lost!
7. Missed second part of two-part "Mission Impossible" episode coup was
based on.
6. Bernie Goetz never showed.
5. Right in mid-coup, we got word of the Zsa Zsa verdict.
4. Saw pineapple in kitchen and thought Noriega had already been decapitated.
3. Forgot to get express written consent of Major League Baseball.
2. Batman never answered the signal.
1. It turns out Noriega is a pretty OK Joe once you get to know him.
Top 10 Ways the Dalai Lama Will Spend His Nobel Prize Money - October 6,
1989
10. Get saxophone out of hock.
9. No more "budget" English muffins.
8. Give Cadillacs to Sonny and Red.
7. New kitchen cabinets for Mrs. Lama.
6. Give it to Pete Rose; see if he can double it.
5. Bail out Merv Griffin.
4. Put finishing touches on Lamaland amusement park.
3. Kegger!
2. Hush money to former temple secretary.
1. One seriously large order of McDonald's french fries.
Top 10 Recent News Stories from TASS - October 10, 1989
10. Spot on Gorby's head looks like Elvis.
9. Yogurt-eating grandpa is sex king of the Balkans.
8. New secret weapon installed inside Bush's middle finger.
7. Way you cook your cabbage reveals your personality.
6. Khrushchev alive and well and doing the weather on NBC's "Today Show."
5. TV's Roseanne: American lady in a Soviet body.
4. 90-foot zucchini wins blue ribbon at Chernobyl Fair.
3. Jackie Mason out of Yeltsin campaign.
2. Voice from Lenin's tomb says, "I had Cher!"
1. Vodka sales triple; so do UFO sightings.
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of Disney World - October 11, 1989
10. Driving down Main Street USA with Bambi's mother strapped to your fender.
9. Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat.
8. Boarding the monorail and announcing you're Bernie Goetz.
7. Taunting guy in Pluto costume for not being able to get better job.
6. Declaring loudly, "I do believe in Tinkerbell!" in mens room.
5. Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-wacker.
4. After biting into snack bar sandwich saying, "I taste mouse."
3. Taking a leak in the Enchanted Forest.
2. Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear.
1. Bringing your own mouse suit.
Top 10 East German Government Explanations for the Mass Defections - October
13, 1989
10. Moved everyone out for a few days so we could paint the place.
9. We wanted to lighten load of our overworked census takers.
8. Tempted by all those letters from Ed McMahon.
7. They're just going to refill steroid prescriptions.
6. Wanted to scare the French.
5. We couldn't get the Chinese tanks here in time.
4. Auditions for open slot on the "Today Show."
3. They heard there was plenty of room at Letterman's place.
2. They're going to Disney World!
1. Who are we kidding? Communism sucks!
Top 10 Least Popular Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors - October 18, 1989
10. Oprah Mocha
9. Raspberry Rash
8. Norieggnog
7. Cholesterol Chip
6. Zsa Zsa Gaboreo
5. Tiny Filaments O'Tungsten
4. Uninhibited by Cher
3. Stuff-Found-in-Ben-&-Jerry's-Pockets
2. Bus Depot Fudge
1. Hitler Ripple
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Letterman Family Reunion - October 19, 1989
10. "Hey Dave, who drove you here?"
9. "Is this where the line forms to tell Dave your sob story?"
8. "OK. Carnival people on the left side of the table. Circus people on
the right."
7. "Gee. Paul Shaffer albums for everybody. Thanks a lot."
6. "What's it like working with Kathie Lee?"
5. "I heard Donahue gave his whole family Buicks."
4. "That's the best stripper we ever had!"
3. "Cher was right."
2. "Hey! One person in the Port-O-San at a time!"
1. "Where's Dave?"
Top 10 Questions and Comments of the New York City Health Inspectors - October
20, 1989
10. Does your chef even own a shirt?
9. Such teeming vermin! The food must be excellent!
8. How can I be sure these bills are unmarked?
7. Are you the guys switching Folgers Crystals for regular coffee?
6. I can tell over the phone your place is spotless, Mr. Gotti.
5. If it's caviar, what's it doing in the cat box?
4. How do I say "cash gift" in Korean?
3. Where was the last place you remember seeing your thumb?
2. Oh yeah? Why don't you eat it?
1. Could you put a hairnet on the weasel?
Top 10 Chapter Titles in Nancy Reagan's Book - October 27, 1989
10. Destiny's Detour: My Brief Engagement to Soupy Sales
9. The "Hee-Haw" Years
8. My Son, the Ballerina Sissy-Boy
7. That Hinckley Person Spoils a Day of Shopping
6. A Scary Moment: Ron Thinks He's Invented the Baloney Sandwich
5. Patti Davis: Author, Actress, Beauty ... Oh Alright, Author
4. Raisa Gorbachev: The Jane Wyman of Russia
3. Leona: The Sister I Never Had
2. Skinny-Dipping at Camp David
1. Scared Straight: My Visit to K-Mart
Top 10 Things Overheard at a Senior League Baseball Game - November 2, 1989
10. "Is that a signal or is he adjusting his truss?"
9. "A correction for you home viewers -- that was not in slo-mo."
8. "Are those pinstripes or varicose veins?"
7. "Wow. The wind really got under that hairpiece!"
6. "That's not Morgana! That's Bea Arthur!"
5. "I'll bet he does live through the game, Mr. Rose."
4. "You wanna wake the guy in the on-deck circle?"
3. "Hey batter! Hey batter! ... uh, I forgot what I was going to say."
2. "Oatmeal! Get your nice hot oatmeal!"
1. "Have you ever smelled so much Ben-Gay?"
Top 10 Rejected NBA Promotional Slogans - November 3, 1989
10. It's Dribble-riffic!
9. A couple of white guys sitting around the bench talking.
8. At least our commissioner isn't named "Faye".
7. We hope that squeaking sneaker sound doesn't drive you nuts.
6. No George Steinbrenner!
5. Like big sweaty ballerinas!
4. Sit close and it smells like Cher's perfume!
3. Unlike bowling -- no fat guys!
2. Come see our Johnsons!
1. NBA -- we're easy to spell!
Top 10 Reasons to Vote - November 7, 1989
10. Gives you the chance to take a deep breath in a high school gymnasium.
9. Good practice for voting in TV's "People's Choice" awards.
8. Exciting to pretend big red lever in voting booth is actually power switch
to electric chair.
7. Free pamphlets!
6. When you finish, Red Cross nurse gives you delicious cookies.
5. To keep resident Canadians under control.
4. You can shout over closed voting booth curtain, "Hey! Who used all the
conditioner?"
3. So we can thumb our noses at the Mexicans and their king.
2. So you'll feel personally involved when the new mayor gets hauled off
to jail.
1. Even though it's never come close to happening in 200 years, your one
vote could make the difference!
Top 10 Jim Bakker Prison Nicknames - November 8, 1989
10. Shake 'n' Bakker
9. Crybaby
8. Cringe-Under-the-Couch-Potato
7. The Collection Plate
6. Mr. Too-Good-To-Play-Bridge-with-the-Rest-of-Us
5. Heritage USA's Best Ride
4. Sermon on the Mount
3. That-Guy-Who-Hides-When-His-Wife-Comes-To-Visit
2. P. T. Eligible
1. The Fabulous Bakker Boy
Top 10 Ways the Iranians Will Spend the $567 Million - November 9, 1989
10. Upgrade hijackers to first class.
9. Have the Reagans visit 283 times.
8. Set up research lab to develop untippable coffin.
7. Kegger!
6. Commission movie biography of Salman Rushdie starring the guy who played
Horshack.
5. Pay for tourism campaign: "Iran -- sort of like Amish country."
4. Lure the Cowsills out of retirement.
3. New York City taxi licenses for everybody!
2. Next pizza: extra cheese!
1. Take the Mrs. to Atlantic City.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Berlin Wall - November 10, 1989
10.
9.
8. Sorry, a VCR glitch made me lose the first 5. I was
7. disappointed, too.
6.
5. "Here in the west, we don't have to pay a lot for our muffler."
4. "Finally, I can realize my lifelong dream of attending a taping of the
PTL Club."
3. "Let's stay at Dave's house!"
2. "This ought to scare the crap out of the French."
1. "We're going to Disney World!"
Top 10 Reasons Congress Deserves a Pay Hike - November 14, 1989
10. Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes.
9. Because of C-Span, they all had to buy hairpieces.
8. Tired of carpooling with Barney Frank.
7. Tired of Congressman Fred Grandy's taunts about all the dough he's making
from "Love Boat" reruns.
6. Most of D.C.'s topless bars have raised their covers.
5. Our nation's lawmakers ought to make at least a fraction of the annual
income of the "Hey Vern" guy.
4. Worked long hours trying to keep down the minimum wage.
3. Maybe they'll stop complaining about salaries and do something about
the nation's oppressive highway speed limits.
2. Close to half have never been indicted.
1. If raise doesn't go through, have vowed to turn the whole thing over
to Quayle.
Lech Walesa's Top 10 Questions While in the United States - November 15, 1989
10. "Why are you so interested in our union, Mr. Gotti?"
9. "Mrs. Bush, could you please get Millie off my leg?"
8. "Am I your only dinner guest, Congressman Frank?"
7. "Are you joking? McRibs?"
6. "Is that just for Warsaw or for the whole country, Mr. Trump?"
5. "If Reagan wasn't coloring his hair, why is it growing in gray now?"
4. "Am I missing something with this Norm Crosby thing?"
3. "Could you get me another cup of coffee, Mr. Quayle?"
2. "That Dan Rather -- he's goofy, isn't he?"
1. "If I become an American citizen, can I change my name to 'Buddy'?"
Top 10 Ways To Make Communism Fun Again - November 16, 1989
10. Spell it with a K.
9. Have Castro do guest shot on Cosby.
8. Add mechanical shark attraction at Lenin's tomb.
7. Have Revlon introduce new "Khmer Rouge."
6. Give everybody red birthmark decals to wear on forehead.
5. Adopt "lovable loser" persona -- like the '61 Mets.
4. Get Skip Gorbachev to do a "Not Your Father's Oldsmobile" commercial.
3. Hire "The Chicken" to disrupt politburo meetings.
2. Have Deng Xiao Peng cry during Barbara Walters interview.
1. Less centralized economic planning; more rock.
Top 10 Highlights from Barbara Walters' Interview with the Reagans - November
17, 1989
10. Ron constantly referring to Walters as "Oprah."
9. After each response by Nancy, Ron shouting, "Good answer! Good answer!"
8. When Ron raised his hand midway through the interview and said, "I think
I've had too much soda."
7. Nancy's on-air marriage proposal to Malcolm-Jamal Warner.
6. When Ron yelled at Walters, "Why don't we shave your head and see what
color it grows back!"
5. Reagan announcing he's waiting for Hinckley to get out so he can kick
his butt.
4. When Ron asked, "Whatever happened to George Bush?"
3. When Ron left because he thought he saw the Bat Signal.
2. When Nancy chugged a gag bottle of rubbing alcohol.
1. When Ron remembered something.
Top 10 Ways Merv Griffin Can Cut Back - November 21, 1989
10. No longer automatically say "yes" when kid at counter asks, "Fries with
that?"
9. Up the price of a vowel.
8. More "coupon-good-for-one-hug" gifts for business associates.
7. Casino bookings: less Sinatra, more Sinatra, Jr.
6. Make long distance crank calls to Donald Trump after 11 p.m.
5. Eliminate Raymond Burr from Thanksgiving guest list.
4. Read the book or see the movie -- but not both.
3. Order pizza from Dominoes; wait 30 minutes before answering door.
2. Give Nike the go-ahead for "Air Griffins."
1. Incredibly tough Final Jeopardy question.
Top 10 Things We All Have To Be Thankful For - November 23, 1989
10. Andy Rooney is only on TV one minute a week.
9. We live in a country where we don't have to pay a lot for our mufflers.
8. Fabulous East German babes now in circulation.
7. Connecticut Highway Patrol still can't cross state lines.
6. Jockey underwear has no plans to replace Jim Palmer with Tip O'Neill.
5. Will be celebrating next 44 Thanksgiving without Jim Bakker.
4. Though not entirely legal, it is very easy to get away with taking a
leak in a shopping mall parking lot.
3. The continued good health of President Bush.
2. Chess!
1. Talk show hosts who are so unselfish, they even work on Thanksgiving.
Top 10 Promotional Slogans for San Salvador Sheraton - November 24, 1989
10. Live through two nights and the third night's free.
9. As seen on TV's "Nightline"!
8. Touch the towels and we'll blow your damn head off.
7. A room with a coup.
6. No Leona Helmsely!
5. Still safer than the Sheraton in Times Square.
4. We put the hospital in hospitality.
3. Just acquired by Merv Griffin Enterprises.
2. We're San Salvador-able.
1. Insurgents stay free.
Top 10 Changes in the Czech Constitution - November 28, 1989
10. Shirt and shoes no longer necessary for service at 7-Eleven.
9. Parliament to be replaced by the O'Jays.
8. Meetings of the Hair Club for Men now held openly.
7. Country no longer responsible for dry cleaning left after 30 days.
6. In event of free elections, presidency may not be held by guy from "Hey
Vern" commercials.
5. New national anthem to be "Rikki Don't Lose that Number."
4. Official government news service to be replaced by Larry King's column.
3. No law enacted without expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.
2. Nation to be divided into Corn Czechoslovakia and Rice Czechoslovakia.
1. Right to party membership now just right to party!
Top 10 Ways To Cheer Up Abu Nidal - November 30, 1989
10. Have his hijackings count toward frequent flyer mileage.
9. "Keep you chin up" letter from Charles Manson.
8. Blooper reel from the Ayatollah's funeral.
7. Novelty Uzi with flag that pops out and says "Bang!"
6. Tell him "Chicken Soup" was cancelled.
5. Give him Snoopy -- everybody's favorite cartoon beagle -- molded from
plastic explosives.
4. Have Yassir Arafat let Nidal win at Crazy Eights.
3. Shorter fuses.
2. Let him make crank phone call to B'nai Brith telethon.
1. Tell him Hell just got cable.
Top 10 Amish Pick-up Lines - December 1, 1989
10. Are thee at barn-raisings often?
9. If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee
for thy number.
8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada?
7. You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black
dress.
6. Say, my favorite movie is "Witness" too!
5. Are thee a model?
4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let's go someplace
quiet.
3. They buggy has a bitchin' lacquer job.
2. I got Sinatra tickets.
1. Are thee up for some plowing?
Top 10 Signs Bush Is Still Tough on the Chinese - December 12, 1989
10. Refers to the Great Wall as "The OK Wall."
9. No NBA expansion team in China for three years.
8. Blocked their satellite feed of Leonard/Duran fight.
7. Has called for "No MSG" amendment to Constitution.
6. Had all Bruce Lee posters removed from Oval Office.
5. Has threatened to open branches of American savings and loans in China.
4. No White House puppies for Deng Xiaoping.
3. May name Quayle ambassador.
2. No Bat-Signal for Beijing police commissioner.
1. Has warned: "I can send back Dan Rather."
Top 10 Good Things About Leona Helmsley - December 13, 1989
10. Doesn't overburden IRS with large unwieldy tax payments.
9. Knows the first name of the hundreds of employees she's arbitrarilyfired.
8. Has remained married for years to same man she stole a fortune from.
7. She wept when the Ayatollah passed away.
6. Probably gives out better gifts than Brandon Tartikoff.
5. Once slapped an employee so hard it improved his vision.
4. At least there's no damn Leona perfume.
3. Has delighted millions with hit TV series like "The Jeffersons" and "
Amen."*
2. Provides inspiring role model for young tax cheats.
1. She just happens to be the woman I love.
* Not Leona Helmsley, but Sherman Helmsley
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Moscow McDonald's - December 14, 1989
10. You want turnips with that?
9. I'm spending three week's salary for this Happy Meal.
8. The food was better in the Gulag.
7. In 9 or 10 years when you do get a car you'll really appreciate the drive-
thru window.
6. Excuse me comrade -- my cold side is cold, but so is my hot side!
5. This sure beats driving a New York City cab.
4. Volkov, KGB -- what's in the secret sauce?
3. I'm sorry Mrs. Gorbachev, we're not hiring.
2. There goes our Olympic hopes.
1. This sucks. Let's go to White Castle.
Blitzen's Top 10 Pet Peeves - December 15, 1989
10. When airliners jettison their chemical toilets right in front of you.
9. Elves who are a little too enthusiastic about putting on our harnesses.
8. Dancer and Prancer always playing their Judy Garland records.
7. Santa not letting us off for Jewish holidays.
6. Reindeer games tainted by steroids.
5. When Santa stretches out the reindeer feed with sawdust.
4. The way Rudolph won't let us forget he makes twice as much as the rest
of us.
3. Two words: Soviet airspace.
2. Swanson's Reindeer Pot Pie.
1. When Santa hangs around the stable with his shirt off.
Top 10 Donahue Holiday Topics - December 20, 1989
10. Women elves love; women elves leave.
9. Department store Santas who hang out in the lingerie section.
8. Gingerbread men who become gingerbread women.
7. Santa's connection to the Gambino family.
6. The naughty list: Is it McCarthyism?
5. Real-life Jack Frosts: Guys who nip at your nose.
4. People who like fruitcake.
3. Safe sex using Christmas stockings.
2. Prancer and Dancer: Should they adopt?
1. People who rub up against you in the gift wrap line.
Top 10 Other Mistakes on the Quayle Christmas Card - December 21, 1989
10. It's Saint Nicholas -- not Jack Nicklaus.
9. Forgot apostrophe on "Bitchin'."
8. Burger King gift certificate past expiration date.
7. Couldn't keep Jesse Jackson from walking into photo.
6. Christ child pictured wearing fake Rolex.
5. Picture of Vice President nothing more than his head on Ann-Margret's
body.
4. Manger home to sheep and goats -- not San Diego Chicken.
3. Bad idea to enclose unwrapped slice of ham with each card.
2. Third wise man shown giving Jesus National Guard deferment.
1. It's spelled D-A-N.
Top 10 Ways Dogs Celebrate Christmas - December 22, 1989
10. Decorate tree with slobber-soaked tennis balls.
9. Remember to tip the guy who does your flea-dipping.
8. Leave Santa a glass of milk and a mutilated squirrel.
7. Gingerbread-flavored worm pills.
6. Pray for peace on Earth and a slightly larger hole in the fence to the
collie's yard.
5. Get the puppies little toy Chuck Wagons they can chase around.
4. Show off White House Christmas card from Millie.
3. Lay down by the fire with a nice brandy and lick themselves.
2. Attend candlelight vigil to remember our neutered brothers.
1. Drink eggnog out of the toilet bowl.
Top 10 Ways Noriega Is Keeping Busy - December 27, 1989
10. Bare-knuckle boxing with Papal Nuncio.
9. Testing Dominos Pizza 30-minute rule.
8. Working on paint-by-number portrait of Hitler.
7. Two words: TV golf.
6. Has already sold consulate staff $1,200 worth of Amway products.
5. Loafing on the couch, reading Elle magazine, and eating instant coffee
crystals straight from the jar.
4. Watching blooper reel from Ayatollah's funeral.
3. Talking to Dole Pineapple Company about possible endorsement deal.
2. Conference calls with Imelda, Leona, and Adnan.
1. Voodoo, pornography, and Nintendo.
Top 10 Ways 1989 Could Have Been Worse - December 28, 1989
10. The Exxon Valdez could have been loaded with Cher perfume.
9. Dom DeLuise as Batman.
8. Penthouse. Leona. 'Nuff said.
7. A Gabor brother.
6. Entrepreneurs could've been selling souvenir chunks of Irving Berlin.
5. Ernest might not have saved Christmas.
4. My slap-fight with Barbra Streisand could have occurred on the air.
3. Bush could've picked a really, really, really, really dumb guy to be
Vice President.
2. McOysters.
1. If Jim Bakker had made it to the Vatican Embassy.
Manuel Noriega's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions - December 29, 1989
10. No more declaring war on really big countries.
9. Call that guy I know from Jacoby & Meyers.
8. Find out if Revlon makes a spackle.
7. Send Hallmark's most expensive friendship card to President Bush.
6. Get New York City taxi license.
5. Find a travel agent who can work a little faster.
4. Get in touch with my last friend in the world -- Nicolae Ceausescu.
3. When all this is over, send Pope a thank-you kilo.
2. Don't trust anybody talking about a "kinder, gentler nation."
1. Make reservations for Hell.
Top 10 Things the Nuncio Will Miss About Noriega - January 9, 1990
10. The way he'd sing "The Pina Colada Song" in the shower.
9. The thoughtful way he cleaned up after his voodoo blood rituals.
8. Made everybody else feel better about their complexions.
7. His fabulous collection of Miami Sound Machine albums.
6. The way you could make him jump 10 feet in the air by popping a paper
bag.
5. Two words: balloon animals.
4. The way he'd treat for pizza when his CIA checks arrived.
3. That he didn't act like a big celebrity -- like Mickey Rooney did when
he stayed here.
2. His Dan Quayle jokes.
1. Simply the fluffiest blueberry pancakes on the isthmus.
Top 10 Defense Arguments of Noriega's Lawyers - January 10, 1990
10. Was loopy on Stridex fumes.
9. Desperate crush on Ted Koppel made him try anything to get on
"Nightline."
8. Typographical error; thought he was selling "rugs."
7. Just following advice in book: "Stay in Power the Ceausescu Way."
6. You think it's easy supporting a wife, two kids, a mistress, and
hookers on a measly president's salary?
5. Traumatized in childhood by death of parents -- which he killed.
4. Was doing it all to impress Jodie Foster.
3. If his last name was Letterman he'd just get his drivers license
suspended.
2. PMS.
1. If a dictator can't run drugs, launder money, and torture opponents,
what kind of world are we living in?
Top 10 New AT&T Slogans - January 17, 1990
10. We'll put the 100th caller through!
9. Committed to reviving the lost art of letter writing.
8. H-H-H-H-Hello?
7. Less talk. More rock.
6. You try figuring out complicated computer software after drinking a
bottle of Nyquil.
5. You might as well talk into your blow dryer.
4. Oh yeah, like the Post Office delivers every single letter.
3. Reach out and touch MCI.
2. Let your fingers do something else.
1. Damn it! It's Cliff Robertson's fault!
Top 10 Exhibits at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame - January 18, 1990
10. Michael Jackson's original nose.
9. Diorama of Pink Floyd trashing a Holiday Inn.
8. The childproof cap Elvis couldn't open.
7. The mint green shorts worn by Richard Simmons in "Sweatin' to the
Oldies."
6. The Life of Mark Goodman: From MTV Veejay to Former MTV Veejay.
5. The record company weasel petting zoo.
4. Great moments with Mr. Mister.
3. Get the hell off the stage! -- a tribute to opening acts.
2. Lizard that sings "Blueberry Hill."
1. Ride the wild Cher.
Top 10 Marion Barry Excuses - January 19, 1990
10. Went to hotel for free HBO.
9. Used drugs to escape daily nightmare of having first name "Marion."
8. Just helping out Dick and Ed with their "Bloopers and Practical Joke"
show.
7. As mayor has duty to greet foreign dignitaries -- you know, like from
Columbia.
6. Bush asked him to buy it so he could hold it up during next TV speech.
5. Started as craving for mints on pillow -- and then just got out of
hand.
4. Doing what he could to keep drugs from our young people.
3. Always thought that frying egg in TV drug commercial looked pretty
good.
2. Drug dealers?! I thought they were prostitutes!
1. If buying crack and getting high in cheap hotel rooms is a crime -- why
isn't Barbara Bush in jail?
Top 10 Second Half Cheers of Denver Bronco Fans - January 30, 1990
10. Hold 'em under a hundred!
9. More magazines!
8. All we need is 25 field goals!
7. Oh, for the sweet release of death!
6. Drug tests! Drug tests!
5. Dig-ni-tee! Dig-ni-tee! Leave us with our dig-ni-tee!
4. Hey! That big San Francisco guy was shoving!
3. Start the bus! Start the bus!
2. Two, four, six, eight . . . aw, screw it!
1. Wait 'til the Pro Bowl!
Top 10 Audience Lipstick Colors - January 31, 1990
10. Joan Taub, Canyon Rose.
9. Lissette Vega, Copper Glaze Sienna.
8. Elaine Kleiner, Red or Not.
7. Mary Manganelli, Rhubarb.
6. Anna Li, Mauvelous.
5. Sharon Daley, True Chocolate from Ultima II.
4. Louisa Meline, Sandalwood Beige.
3. Fred Orne, Blistex with Sunscreen (SPF 10).
2. Leonida Rodriguez, Mandarin.
1. Robin Melnick, All-Day Power Pink.
Top 10 Things Overheard at Our First Show - February 1, 1990
10. I think he used to play Chip on "My Three Sons."
9. It would be a shame if that bandleader ever lost his magnificent head
of hair.
8. My name is Dave -- and I'm here to sing! Sing! Sing!
7. Oh no! Not Kamarr the Magician!
6. You can't come in here, Mr. Snyder. Your show was canceled.
5. When's he gonna take out those gag teeth?
4. Can you use the restroom upstairs? We're doing a show in here.
3. I can't believe Lord Melman would stoop to doing American television.
2. I sat through the show. Now where's my tote bag?
1. He's no Dinah.
Top 10 Reasons To Keep Watching the Show - 8th Anniversary Special -
February 1, 1990
10. When you're not watching the show, we make fun of you.
9. You never know when I'll come out drunk and slug a cameraman.
8. You can sit there naked. We really don't care.
7. If our viewership falls off, little Snuggles the fabric softener bear
dies.
6. If you don't, Paul will have to go back to the Ice Capades.
5. To keep G.E. executives knee-deep in hookers and gin.
4. One of the killers we profile may be living next door to you.
3. The wall is down, Noriega is out, don't stop us now!
2. So you can say you were watching the night I was replaced by Deborah
Norville.
1. Because, well, I'm no good at this kind of thing -- but damn it -- I
love you!
Top 11 Rejected Life-Savers Flavors - February 2, 1990
11. Disembowelmint
10. Pineapple Noriega
9. Marion-berry
8. Smouldering Wig
7. Fruit-of-the-Loom
6. Sonny 'n' Cherry
5. Anton Fig
4. No. 10 Steel Lock Washers
3. Suck This
2. Manson Mint
1. Rashberry
Top 10 Fun Things About Being Mikhail Gorbachev - February 6, 1990
10. Using KGB surveillance equipment to get free HBO.
9. Can jump turnstile to Moscow subway and nobody says a word.
8. Staging fake battle scenes in Afghanistan and selling the footage to
Dan Rather.
7. On opening day of Soviet auto show, got to be first one to sit in
Batmobile.
6. Constitutionally empowered to strip search any citizen.
5. The Whammo company is always sending free stuff.
4. Counter guys at Moscow McDonalds usually slip in a couple of extra
McNuggets.
3. Lucrative Jockey underwear endorsement deal.
2. Gets to play Santa at end of May Day parades.
1. Raisa after two glasses of wine.
Top 10 Complaints of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models - February 7, 1990
10. Skimpy outfits reveal biker tattoos.
9. Ever since Paulina started dating Ric Ocasek, goofy looking guys
actually think they have a shot with us.
8. Knowing your photo is being used as currency in prison.
7. Exxon tankers.
6. Sleazy late night talk shows where the bandleader makes a clumsy pass
at you.
5. The 1987 Arctic Circle shoot.
4. Having to pay cash before pumping your own gas.
3. People who mistake your sun protection factor for your I.Q.
2. Creepy feeling that somewhere Jimmy Swaggart is sitting alone looking
at a picture of you.
1. That damn sand gets in everything.
Top 10 Ways CBS Can Fill that Extra Minute on Sixty Minutes - February 9,
1990
10. Let Dan Rather show some fake war footage.
9. Ed Bradley and Morley Safer have a belching contest.
8. Sixty seconds with Jimmy the Greek.
7. Show the Mike Tyson/Buster Douglas fight -- twice.
6. New closing in which reporters link arms and sing "Happy Trails."
5. Have Mike Wallace share with viewers his hair-coloring tips.
4. On-the-air auction of Andy Rooney's personal possessions.
3. Bloopers from earlier in the show.
2. Just show that neat ticking clock a little longer.
1. Microwave waffles!
Top 10 Dog Thoughts - February 14, 1990
10. Oh well, nobody here in heat....
9. I'm a real-life steel magnolia. (This list was a video one)
8. What the hell are you looking at?
7. I still miss Lorne Greene.
6. Somebody please kill me!
5. Why doesn't the government do something about mange.
4. What the hell kind of barber shop is this?
3. Lambada!
2. Come back to Jamaica.
1. Hey, Steinbrenner -- you suck!
Top 10 Perrier Slogans - February 15, 1990
10. Dangerous toxins, yes! Cholesterol, no!
9. Kills bugs dead!
8. Take the Perrier challenge!
7. The favorite chaser of Kitty Dukakis.
6. A wholly owned subsidiary of Exxon.
5. Slightly better than drinking from those puddles in the subway.
4. It's high-octane enjoyment!
3. The drink that made Milwaukee nauseous!
2. Goes perfect with Chilean grapes!
1. Coming soon -- our new kerosene flavor!
Donald Trump's Top 10 Pick-Up Lines - February 16, 1990
10. How'd you like to be a New York Post headline?
9. Haven't I evicted you somewhere before?
8. You don't know Marvin Mitchelson, do you?
7. Care to take a ride on the Trump Shuttle?
6. I'd like to do to you what I did to Merv.
5. Can I introduce you to Don King?
4. Hello. I'm Donald Trump.
3. Tired of always running to the automatic cash machine?
2. I'm good friends with Dave Letterman.
1. That is a roll of hundreds in my pocket -- and I'm glad to see you.
Top 10 New Names for the Reunited Germany - February 20, 1990
10. Keggerland
9. Just Plain Volks
8. Siegfried & Roy
7. Aryan Acres
6. Argentina East
5. The Love Shack
4. Nazichusetts
3. Switzerland's Bad-Ass Neighbor
2. Home of Das Whopper
1. Cindy
Top 10 Provisions in the Bushs' Prenuptial Agreement - February 21, 1990
10. Barbara must remove heels before getting on water bed.
9. Even split of all Lotto winnings.
8. No tube tops -- except at amusement parks.
7. George will try not to spew pork rinds as he laughs like an idiot at "I
Dream of Jeannie."
6. During lovemaking, no jokes about cabinet positions.
5. In the event of divorce, 1,000 points of light to be divided 50/50.
4. To once a year recreate first date by drinking six-pack behind the
7-Eleven.
3. In the event either becomes president, must pick vice president by
shutting eyes and picking name out of phone book.
2. For reasons too complicated to explain, Don King gets 10% off the top.
1. Don't come home from drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
Top 10 Good Things about a Baseball Strike - February 22, 1990
10. San Diego Chicken will be forced to get a real job.
9. Gives public time to get used to a commissioner named "Fay."
8. Nike can launch ad campaign for "Bo knows picket lines."
7. Chance to round up hundreds of potential Yankee managers.
6. It will be fun to watch Morganna run out to kiss pro bowlers.
5. Allow time for that bright orange nacho cheese stuff to really mellow.
4. Cleveland fans can boast that Indians are tied for first place.
3. Newspapers have more room to devote to Marla Maples.
2. Frees up unused astroturf for my new hairpiece.
1. Gives indoor lacrosse a fighting chance.
Top 10 Things Reagan Does Remember - February 23, 1990
10. He used to live in a big white house.
9. That bastard Sam Donaldson.
8. Those great parties at Marion Barry's.
7. Daughter Maureen's weight (within 150 pounds).
6. Where Nancy doesn't like to be touched.
5. The name, address, and Social Security number of each and every one of
his black supporters.
4. If you need a hooker, call Bill Holden.
3. 4:30 -- time for Wapner!
2. That Jodie Foster is a real trouble maker.
1. Falling off a horse and that's about it.
Top 10 Daniel Ortega's Excuses - February 27, 1990
10. Intentionally threw election to make millions on rematch.
9. Didn't want to do "I'm going to DisneyWorld" commercial.
8. Many voters thought "Sandinistas" were Pepperidge Farm cookies.
7. Picked young empty-headed senator as running mate.
6. Too little campaigning, too much Marla Maples.
5. Voters always pick the bustier candidate.
4. Couldn't deliver on promise to get Managua an arena football team.
3. She used steroids.
2. Screw it. Germany's going to rule the world anyway.
1. Let's face it -- communism sucks.
Top 10 Least Popular Oscar Meyer Lunchmeats - March 1, 1990
10. Pulled Hamstring
9. Gristleami
8. Smoked Schwarzenegger
7. Hoffaloney
6. Eva Braunshweiger
5. San Diego Chicken Roll
4. Joseph Bologna
3. Smokey Pittsburgh Senorita
2. Hey -- Those Aren't Pimentos!
1. [Sorry, had a VCR glitch]
Top 10 Chapter Titles in the Exxon Employees Manual - March 2, 1990
10. F U CN RD THS -- You Can Captain a Supertanker!
9. Giving Sea Otters the Pat Riley "Wet Look."
8. What We Can Learn from Perrier.
7. Jack Daniels: Everybody's First Mate.
6. Like You Never Took a Leak in a Pool.
5. "Did You See Those Giant Lobsters?!": Finding a Good Alibi.
4. Viva Versus Bounty: Which Is the Quicker Picker Upper?
3. Polluting New Jersey: Like Who's Gonna Notice?
2. Tossing the Empties Overboard.
1. Compass Shmompass!
Top 10 Provisions in the New Baseball Contract - March 20, 1990
10. To avoid embarrassment, Fay Vincent will now go by the name of "Vince."
9. For reasons too complicated to explain, the San Diego Chicken will be
put to sleep.
8. Permission to transmit or otherwise rebroadcast games now given by
Frank Sinatra.
7. Before TV revenues are divided up, Pete Rose will be given chance to
double them.
6. Strictly enforced "no tongue" rule for Morganna.
5. New expansion team made up of Steve Garvey's kids.
4. Rule change: team wins if you hit Steinbrenner with a foul ball.
3. All parties agree: Miller Lite is "less filling," does not "taste
great."
2. On opening day at Yankee Stadium, Babe Ruth's last surviving hooker
will throw out first ball.
1. Pepper!
Top 10 Tips for Traveling Greyhound - March 21, 1990
10. Duck.
9. Check to see if driver's name is "Hazelwood."
8. As a courtesy, allow passengers with flesh wounds to exit first.
7. Brand new drivers can be conned into dropping you off right at your
front door.
6. Before boarding bus, stick giant decal over Greyhound logo that says,
"Uncle Teddy's Bible Camp, Millersburg, Pennsylvania."
5. Please don't disturb Mr. Dukakis while he's driving.
4. Keep your trousers on. There is no such thing as a "bus nurse."
3. Maybe you could just walk to Scranton.
2. Strike or no strike, don't ever use the bus toilet.
1. Ride Greyhound -- and leave the driving to some drifter named Carl.
Top 10 Least Interesting Academy Award Categories - March 23, 1990
10. Best-Looking Rubber Ears
9. Best Screenplay Idea Stolen from Art Buchwald
8. Most Flagrant Lingering Shot of a Brand-Name Product
7. Most Arbitrary Snit by a Supporting Actress
6. Best Straight Costume Designer
5. Tastiest Petroleum-Based Butter Substitute Used in Lobby Concession
Stand
4. Best Best Boy
3. Shirley MacLaine Previous Lifetime Achievement Award
2. Best Hair on Back
1. Film Most Likely To Be Rejected -- Even by the Airlines
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Academy Awards - March 27, 1990
10. "Isn't that Meryl Streep with Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan?"
9. "Thanks to Jimmy Carter and his team of observers, the voting will be
fair for a change."
8. "Uh oh. The guys from Price Waterhouse are talking to Pete Rose."
7. "Yes, Mr. Ebert, I am gonna finish this sandwich."
6. "$100,000 Miss Tandy -- and all you have to do is say 'I'm going to
DisneyWorld.' "
5. "It's a crime they snubbed that 'Hey Vern!' guy again."
4. "Hey! Get your hand out of ... Oh, Mr. Beatty, so nice to meet you."
3. "Steinbrenner, even though he's not a member of the Academy, sucks."
2. "Hey look! The Little Mermaid is drunk!"
1. "I'm Dorothy Chandler -- I'm mad as hell and I want you all out of my
pavilion right now!"
Top 10 Least Popular Artificial Insemination Clinics - March 28, 1990
10. Stop 'n' Pop
9. Aunt Bertha's Baby Batter
8. Jimmy the Greek's Genetic Crap Shoot
7. International House of Zygotes
6. Steve Garvey's Kiddie City
5. Jack-in-the-Box
4. Cher's bedroom
3. Ringling Brothers' Grow-Your-Own-Circus-People
2. The Port Authority
1. McFertilization
Top 10 Soviet Inducements to the Lithuanians - March 30, 1990
10. Lenin tote bags.
9. Raisa swimsuit calendars.
8. Videotape collection of Afghan war bloopers.
7. Free order of fries with purchase of regular Big Mac at Moscow
McDonalds.
6. Zero-gravity love weekend on Soyuz spacecraft.
5. We promise to continue jamming Voice of America's broadcast of
"Geraldo."
4. Babushkas! Babushkas! Babushkas!
3. Free travel on Greyhound.
2. $50.
1. If you stay, we won't annihilate you with our massive army.
Top 10 Reasons Iraq Wants an Atomic Bomb - April 3, 1990
10. To impress the babes.
9. Already spent a lot of money on a beautiful leather atomic bomb case.
8. It'll bring in the tourists.
7. Tired of being treated like a second-rate New Jersey.
6. To threaten CBS until they give Brent Musburger his job back.
5. To get Iran to turn down the damn music.
4. Conventional warfare went out with bellbottoms.
3. Just to annoy Dan Rather.
2. When some son-of-a-bitch in a Porsche cuts us off on the freeway.
1. Hey! We're a bunch of lunatics who want to destroy the world. So sue
us!
Top 10 Things in the Pockets of an NBC Security Guard's - April 4, 1990
10. Big wad of cash
9. A wallet
8. Change
7. Another wallet
6. Legal documents
5. Glasses
4. A pen
3. Smokes
2. A lighter
1. A hanky
Top 10 Work-Related Injuries at the Whamm-O Factory - April 5, 1990
10. Pulled Slinky
9. Wiffle welts
8. Decapitation by experimental razor Frisbee
7. Trip over gummy web of Silly String into table saw
6. Slip 'n' Slide 'n' concussion
5. Overcome by fumes from batch of custom-order toxic Play-Doh for Iraqi
military
4. Yo-yo recoil cranial fracture
3. Burnt tongue from cafeteria chili
2. Punctured Water Weenie
1. Hula-Hoop chafing
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Opening of Trump's Taj Mahal - April 6, 1990
10. "Kindly take this gentleman's bags to room 1710, Merv."
9. "Would you please sign this prenuptual agreement?"
8. "I wonder if we'll catch a glimpse of the reclusive Mr. Trump."
7. "Of course your credit's good, Mr. Rose."
6. "Security! Security! Ivana on level five!"
5. "Merciful mother of god! With a single turn of the wheel -- my life
savings gone!"
4. "Which way to the Trump toilet?"
3. "I'm afraid we don't have a Yahtzee table, Mr. Quayle."
2. "Wow! I didn't know David Letterman could sing."
1. "I'm in Taj Ma-hell!"
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Audited - April 10, 1990
10. Using one of those "love" stamps.
9. Have taxes done by stupid, incompetent H. Block instead of by smart,
reliable R. Block.
8. Using the name "Helmsley."
7. Calling IRS hotline and offering $1.50 a minute to talk dirty.
6. Writing off stranger living in your house as dependent.
5. Including handwritten coupon good for one "super-duper back rub."
4. Sending in pizza crusts instead of restaurant receipts.
3. Writing off purchase of new Tito Jackson album as charitable donation.
2. Claiming hookers as medical expenses.
1. Request filing extension for "until hell freezes over."
Top 10 Unsuccessful Lambada Movies - April 11, 1990
10. Ernest Goes to Lambada
9. Lambada: The Forbidden Phony-Baloney Fake Fad
8. Star Trek V: Lambada
7. Raymond Burr's Lambada in 3-D
6. Lambada: It's Spanish for "Polka"
5. Zorro Acts Swishy
4. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Lambadinator
3. The AAA Presents: Defensive Driving the Lambada Way
2. Godzillambada
1. Lambada: The Dance No One's Actually Doing
Top 10 Excuses for Not Filling Out the Census - April 12, 1990
10. They're shy.
9. For some reason, thought it was an order form for Sea Monkeys.
8. You can't even win anything.
7. Waiting until after operation so I can list self as "woman."
6. Thought going to the window and yelling "Here!" was good enough.
5. Wasn't sure if, like on Jeopardy, answers had to be in form of a
question.
4. Didn't know whether to count hostages in basement as boarders.
3. Hoping one of the census babes will come to my house in person.
2. Waiting for help with big words from my wife Marilyn Quayle.
1. Hey! I took part in "Hands Across America" -- you should've just
counted us then.
Top 10 Signs Your Kid Is a Loser - April 13, 1990
10. Neighborhood kids trade and collect his teeth.
9. Sobs uncontrollably every time he sees that "Hey Vern" guy.
8. Constantly using the phrase "Okie-dokie."
7. Turns you in to mall cops for parking in handicapped spot.
6. Turned down for date by Cher.
5. Tries to start the wave while watching game on TV.
4. Pesters Eddie Albert at "Green Acres" conventions.
3. When he grows up, wants to be "just like Dave."
2. Is U. S. Vice President.
1. Tends to sit in the backyard and eat crickets.
Top 10 Things Overheard on Earth Day - April 24, 1990
10. "Hey! After the concert let's trash the place!"
9. "It's the greenhouse effect, officer. That's why I'm not wearing
pants."
8. "Who cares if it destroys the ozone? Thanks to aerosol I can spell my
name in cheese!"
7. "Just one more beer -- then I have to pilot a Northwest flight to
Seattle."
6. "Good news! June Allyson has switched to cloth diapers!"
5. "That's right, you get a nickel a can, Mr. Musburger."
4. "Burning tires is bad for the ecosystem -- but it adds a great smokey
flavor to ham."
3. "Steinbrenner, while not directly involved with these Earth Day
festivities, sucks."
2. "Once this land belonged to the Indians.... That was before the
Japanese."
1. "The corn dogs were better at `Hands Across America.' "
Top 10 Grounds for Justifiable Homicide - April 25, 1990
10. Using C.B. lingo.
9. Talking loudly in a restaurant about your bladder infection.
8. Being a New Kid on the Block.
7. Looking at someone wrong (New York City only).
6. Trying to start "the wave".
5. Repeatedly answering telephone, "Yel-lo?"
4. Two words: vacation photos.
3. Eating all the Cracklin' Oat Bran.
2. Revealing the surprise ending to "Ernest Goes to Jail."
1. Constantly combing hair and asking passersby, "Do you think I look like
Jack Lord?"
Top 10 Tricks You Can Play on the Census Taker - April 26, 1990
10. Excuse yourself from room and come back wearing different clothes.
Repeat 15 times.
9. Shout all your responses as if you were a contestant on "Family Feud."
8. Have two-headed friend hang out in living room. Ask if he counts as one
person or two.
7. Repeatedly ask, "And how many Eskimos did we count today?"
6. Invite them to take shower to freshen up -- then keep flushing toilet.
5. Ask if you have to fill out form in pencil or is human blood OK.
4. Insist on First Amendment right to answer questions in mime.
3. After his sixth beer, slip him a non-alcoholic one and see if he
notices.
2. Two words: plastic vomit.
1. Start going, "168 million and one... 168 million and two" so guy gets
messed up and has to start counting all over.
Top 10 Iraqi Nicknames for George Bush - April 27, 1990
10. Sherry-swilling yacht-monkey
9. Satan's Lambada partner
8. Quayle-picker
7. Four-eyes
6. The-never-had-anyone-even-close-to-Marilyn-Monroe president
5. Pork rind-munching goofball
4. Yale-educated father of five
3. Nancy Reagan's dress dummy
2. Trust fund weenie
1. Mr. Scared-of-broccoli
Millie's Top 10 Pet Peeves - May 1, 1990
10. Never any table scraps under Barbara's chair.
9. Getting the blame every time Marlin Fitzwater takes a leak on the
couch.
8. When Quayle hogs the dog toys.
7. Spuds.
6. When the Korean ambassador gets hungry.
5. Barney Frank's flaming poodle.
4. Having the same name as that idiot "Vanilli."
3. When Mayor Barry bogarts your last joint.
2. Being known as "The First Bitch."
1. When Reagan shows up in his pajamas murmuring, "Nice kitty. Nice
kitty."
Top 10 JFK Jr. Excuses - May 2, 1990
10. Should have actually answered essay question instead of just writing,
"I'm a Kennedy."
9. Tutor Arnold Schwarzenegger over-emphasized the bench press.
8. Thought answer had to be in form of a question.
7. Took Uncle Ed's advice, but guy next to me was really dumb.
6. Confused by typo: spent months studying for the bra exam.
5. Got answers beforehand from that "Hey Vern!" guy.
4. Caught glimpse of self in reflective surface and was unable to look away.
3. Two words: sympathy tail.
2. Afraid passing grade meant talking to Doug Llewelyn.
1. Thought there'd be relaxing "cocktail and makeout break" midway through
exam.
Top 10 Least Popular Supermarket Chains - May 3, 1990
10. Pick 'n' Lick
9. Larva Town
8. Food Crypt
7. Risky's
6. Price Hiker
5. Rex Reed's Grocery Rodeo
4. The Expiration Date Grab Bag
3. I'm-Not-Wearing Pantry
2. Hitler's
1. Bag This!
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Thrown Out of the AAA - May 4, 1990
10. Asking to test drive the AAA receptionist.
9. Vomiting in a toll-booth change basket.
8. Using the word "Fahrvergnugen" at any time.
7. Selling secret handshake to Soviets.
6. Repeatedly adjusting seatbelt to provide erotic stimulation.
5. Calling up the office and asking, "AAA? How do you spell that?"
4. Lewd use of service station air hose.
3. Insisting AAA motel guidebooks include Dave's house.
2. Standing up at a meeting and shouting, "I've got a pocketful of red hot
lug nuts!"
1. Having personalized license plate reading, "I LUV EBERT."
Mrs. Bush's Top 10 Snappy Comebacks to Wellesley Hecklers - May 9, 1990
10. How'd you get in this school? Were you the 100th caller?
9. One word from me and my husband could bomb this dump!
8. How'd you like to kiss some government property?
7. I didn't pick him! My husband did!
6. Know what this finger means? Take a ride on Air Force One!
5. Settle down. Van Halen will be out in a minute.
4. Millie . . . kill!
3. Two words, honey -- depilatory cream.
2. You girls wouldn't know proper etiquette if it bit you on the ass!
1. Read my lips -- take a hike!
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Complaints about France - May 9, 1990
10. Virtually impossible to find a box of Captain Crunch.
9. Long lines at Jerry Lewis movies.
8. People speak some kind of weird Moon-man language.
7. Water fountain in bathroom must be designed for midgets.
6. Snobby French won't elect their government officials unless they have
qualifications of some kind.
5. Dubbed version of "Ernest Goes to Camp" makes Ernest sound like a
sissy.
4. Doesn't know how many hours ahead to set Mickey's hands.
3. Happy Meals taste different.
2. Language barrier inhibits execution of "pull-my-finger" trick.
1. Everyone keeps referring to him as "Le Bonehead."
Mrs. Paul's Top 10 Pet Peeves - May 10, 1990
10. When a 3-pronged tuna hook gets caught in your shoulder blade while
you're casting.
9. When some joker at the plant batter-dips your car keys.
8. The kids aren't buying her action figure.
7. Getting bread crumbs in a paper cut.
6. Idiots who think she's married to the Pope.
5. That bitch Betty Crocker.
4. Lawsuits filed by accidentally de-boned employees.
3. The flat accusing stare of a dying cod.
2. Wise guys who give you a "Here's your fish stick, lady."
1. Lackluster sales of her new cologne "Bottom-Feeder."
Top 10 Mother's Day Gifts Available in Times Square - May 11, 1990
10. Rolling pin vibrator
9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe
8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks
7. Videocassette of movie "Danish Moms"
6. A guy who'll do anything for $50
5. Necklace of human ear
4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage)
3. Combination brass knuckles/cheese slicer
2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating
1. Inflatable Dad
Top 10 Hubble Telescope Excuses - May 15, 1990
10. The guy at Sears promised it would work fine.
9. Some kids on Earth must be fooling around with a garage door opener.
8. There's a little doohickey rubbing against the part that looks kind of
like a cowboy hat.
7. See if you can think straight after 12 days of drinking Tang.
6. Bum with squeegee smeared lens at red light.
5. Blueprints drawn up by that "Hey Vern!" guy.
4. Those damn raccoons!
3. Shouldn't have used G.E. components.
2. Ran out of quarters.
1. Race of super-evolved galactic beings are screwing with us.
Top 10 Mall Shops in Hell - May 16, 1990
10. Hitler & Himmler's 31 Flavors
9. Really Painful Manicures
8. Do-the-Sharpton-Thing Hair Salon
7. Fish 'n' Lips
6. Jim Jones Juice-a-teria
5. Boozy, Irritable, Big & Tall Men's Shop
4. Ceaucescu's Fashion Optical
3. The Gap
2. Noriega's Nut Hut (under construction)
1. Brown Julius
Top 10 Ways Quayle is Preparing for the Summit - May 17, 1990
10. Making sign that reads "Gorbachev" to hold when he picks him up at
airport.
9. Baking a really cool cake in the shape of a race car.
8. Looking at hundreds of photos of guys with red spots on their heads
until he no longer giggles.
7. Finding best Chernobyl jokes just to break the ice.
6. Learning to say, "Hi. I'm a bonehead." in Russian.
5. Bought a new hand buzzer.
4. Hitchhiking to South Carolina to load up on fireworks.
3. Reviewing East-West economic, social, and military issues so he may
advise the President on their global significance.
2. Co-hosting post-summit blowout with Mayor Barry.
1. Practicing his curtsy.
Top 10 Reasons Mills College Girls Don't Want Men Attending - May 18, 1990
10. No more going to the library topless.
9. Annual production of Chekov's "Three Sisters" replaced by 3-day
Stooge-a-Thon.
8. Football team has perfect 0-452 record.
7. Guys often whoop and holler when words like "breast" appear in
sensitive poetry.
6. There's going to be some loser named Ned that keeps asking everyone out.
5. They might try to free the men we use in our science experiments.
4. We're shy.
3. Afraid cafeteria walls will be covered with "Dukes of Hazzard" posters.
2. Less beer for the rest of us.
1. They tend to spit a lot.
Top 10 Ways Gorbachev Will Spend His Raise - May 22, 1990
10. Buy Hallmark's nicest "Let's be friends" card for Lithuania.
9. Go nuts at the Gap.
8. Get matching tattoo on other side of forehead.
7. Stop cheating clock on Domino's delivery guy.
6. Go on a date with Marla Maples.
5. He's going to Disney World!
4. Switch from Slim-Fast to the more expensive Ultra Slim-Fast.
3. Underwear.
2. Can finally say he would like fries with that.
1. Make it May Day every day!
Top 10 Perks of Winning the Indianapolis 500 - May 24, 1990
10. Getting showered with 10W-40 in victory lane celebration.
9. Honorary New York City taxi license.
8. Right to represent Earth in Pan-Galactic Monster Truck Rally.
7. Invitation to start Mr. Gotti's car for him.
6. Good chance of meeting Kamaar the Magician backstage at Letterman show.
5. Don't have to shut off lights and lock up speedway like guy who
finishes last.
4. Get to throw one free punch at Mr. Goodwrench.
3. Offers of employment from Domino's Pizza.
2. Trophy, bouquet of roses, and a big, wet kiss from Jim Nabors.
1. All the Valvoline a guy can drink.
Top 10 Business Tips from the President's Son - May 24, 1990
10. Demand two pieces of I.D. before loaning a guy $100 million.
9. Business cards should include name, address, and phrase "My Dad's the
President."
8. Read my lips: cheat on taxes.
7. Have old man call tactical nuclear strike on new bank across the
street.
6. Ask Quayle if he has two 10's for a 5. Repeat until you are rich.
5. Suck up to Trump.
4. Slugs usually work in White House condom machines.
3. Remind reporters that unlike Ron Reagan, Jr., you never wore leotards
in your life.
2. Big Gulp is best value at 7-Eleven.
1. If accused of bank fraud, best defense is a simple and elegant "Oops!"
Top 10 Signs School Is Out in New York City - May 25, 1990
10. Metal detectors freed up for use at public pools.
9. East River barge traffic unimpeded by floating truant officers.
8. Impossible to get tickets for big Monet retrospective.
7. Powdered mashed potato wholesaler goes on vacation.
6. Afternoon show at "Strip World" now filled with shop teachers.
5. Movie theater matinees are less crowded.
4. Extra long lines to rob Good Humor man.
3. The libraries are filled with conscientious young people keeping up
with their studies. (Sign school is out in Japan.)
2. Lots of alarms are going off.
1. Teachers beginning to heal up.
Top 10 Things in the Refrigerator of Dave's Mother - June 5, 1990
10. Milk
9. Iced tea
8. Orange juice
7. Perrier
6. Margarine
5. Lettuce
4. Watermelon
3. Cheese
2. Bacon
1. Mushrooms.
Top 10 Signs that Trump Is in Trouble - June 6, 1990
10. Had the cable company disconnect Cinemax.
9. Trump Shuttle now used to haul lumber.
8. Attracting a lower class of bimbo.
7. Recently asked advisors how they thought a "Battling Billionaire"
character would go over on the pro wrestling circuit.
6. Has been sucking up to Merv.
5. This morning, he had himself evicted.
4. Last week in 7-Eleven was heard saying, "I'm really thirsty" and yet
suspiciously did not order a Big Gulp.
3. Now does tacky embarrassing things on a much smaller scale.
2. Just got a paper route.
1. He now takes my calls.
Top 10 Jobs with More Security than Yankee Manager - June 7, 1990
10. Official car starter for Mr. Gotti.
9. Cleveland Indians World Series victory parade organizer.
8. Colombian judge.
7. Co-host on the Today Show.
6. Salesclerk, incredibly delicate porcelain vase shop, Beirut.
5. Curator of the George Plimpton Museum in Harlem.
4. Member of the New Monkees.
3. Handyman who puts new nameplate on Yankee manager's door.
2. Director of security at my house.
1. Guy who deflects things being thrown at Dan Quayle's head.
Top 10 Rejected Titles for Reagan's Memoirs - June 8, 1990
10. Still Hazy after All These Years
9. Fall Asleep Anywhere, Anytime
8. How To Make Love to a Shrewish Domineering First Lady
7. Those Parties at Mayor Barry's
6. Hey -- At Least I Didn't Pick Quayle!
5. Nancy Reagan's Autobiography of Ronald Reagan
4. 1001 Sam Donaldson Jokes
3. Uh
2. What? I'm Not Still President?
1. Hey Hinckley -- Pardon This!
Dick Tracy's Top 10 Pet Peeves - June 13, 1990
10. Two-way wrist radio keeps picking up Larry King.
9. Waiting for "Mumbles" to order in a French restaurant.
8. Wise guys who holler, "Hey! Where's the Batmobile?"
7. When McGruff the Crime Dog borrows trenchcoat and sheds in it.
6. Still haven't figured out ending of "Twin Peaks."
5. Jack Lord always bragging about weather in Hawaii.
4. People who tell off-color stories about J. Edgar Hoover.
3. When Pruneface kids you about "Ishtar."
2. When fellow cops refer to wrist radio as "bracelet."
1. Talk show hosts who pick on your sister.
Top 10 Summer Fun Tips from General Electric - June 14, 1990
10. Tie together thousands of lightbulbs; raft down the Colorado River.
9. Warm up chilly water by having kids point lots of blow dryers at the
pool.
8. Put on softball mitts; try to catch defective G.E. jet engine parts as
they drop from the sky.
7. Fire someone.
6. Try a zesty salad made from arugula and plenty of G.E. 100-watt bulbs!
5. Kids love to play "bury an expensive American-made VCR" at the beach.
4. Install an air conditioner in your oven for food so cool it's hot!
3. Liven up meetings with Defense Department auditors with dozens of
bikini-clad hookers.
2. Use your 3-speed fan to make monster daiquiris!
1. Get a G.E. toaster tan!
Top 10 Other Inventions by the Suicide Machine Doctor - June 15, 1990
10. The Craftmatic Adjustable Groin-Puller
9. The mesh parachute
8. Clorox coladas
7. The rickety ladder
6. The recipe for New Coke
5. The steel bristle retina brush
4. The Pet Rock
3. The tub toaster
2. The Denny's all-you-can-eat seafood special
1. The Popeil Pocket Suicide Machine
Top 10 Ways New York Is Getting Ready for Mandela - June 19, 1990
10. New York Harbor given a new coat of oil.
9. Paying Donald Trump $50 to pick Mandela up at airport.
8. Giant pine tree-shaped air freshener hung from Triborough Bridge.
7. NBC employees ripping up scripts of "Baywatch" to use in ticker tape
parade.
6. Finally threw a little sawdust on that big puddle of vomit in Times
Square.
5. Hot dog vendors required to wear shirts for duration of visit.
4. Set up 3-card Monte table at airport to take him for every cent he's
worth the minute he steps off plane.
3. As personal tribute, Howie Mandel adding "A" to his name for the day.
2. Steinbrenner to give Mandela honorary right to fire Stump Merrill.
1. Arrange meeting with Leona Helmsley to tell her what 28 years of prison
life will be like.
Top 10 Freak Accidents on the Today Show Set - June 20, 1990
10. Tour group mauled after teasing Willard during feeding time.
9. Makeup artist scratches arm on Deborah Norville's hair.
8. High-powered floor waxer runs wild; kills a guy.
7. Gene Shalit electrocuted by frayed mike cord; decides to leave his hair
that way.
6. Meteor plunges into Bryant's coffee cup; splashes guest George Will.
5. A series of suspicious toupee fires.
4. Unwrapping of forgotten Jane Pauley tuna sandwich knocks out several
staffers.
3. Willard attacked by rabid duck at one of those state fairs or wherever
the hell it is he goes.
2. Guest on Donahue's "homicidal pyromaniacs" segment wanders into wrong
studio.
1. Glare from Joe Garagiola's head blinds boom operator.
George Bush's Top 10 Stress Busters - June 21, 1990
10. Menthol rubdowns from Sununu.
9. Calls Mike Dukakis; asks if "Lou Zer" is there.
8. Makes Secret Service agents ride bicycles into White House pool; tapes
it for "America's Funniest Home Videos."
7. Two words: malt liquor.
6. Takes off pants; sits on picture of Dan Rather.
5. Picks up hitchhikers on the Beltway; tells them about his
grandchildren.
4. Gives First Lady the "Ol' Presidential Pardon," if you know what I
mean.
3. Relaxes with Mayor Barry.
2. Tosses horseshoes at Quayle's head.
1. Has Barbara tell him again and again how he's overcome the wimp factor.
Top 10 Things that Keep Donald Trump Awake at Night - June 22, 1990
10. Might have to borrow money from Merv.
9. Fear that if he sells Taj Mahal, new owner will turn it into a tacky
ostentatious eyesore.
8. Which Lotto number this week?
7. That chili dog he ate at Don King's.
6. Should have had clever comeback for Ted Koppel; not just, "Screw you,
melonhead!"
5. Other guys in the shelter snore.
4. Drunk houseboy Ernesto blasting car stereo while lifting weights in
garage at 2 a.m.
3. Wondering where he can get his hands on one of those suicide machines.
2. Knowing that in just a few short hours it will once again be time to
make the donuts.
1. Marla Mapels.
Top 10 Good Things about Being a Really, Really Dumb Guy - June 26, 1990
10. Never have to sit through long boring Nobel Prize banquet.
9. Pleasant sense of relief when Road Runner gets away from Coyote.
8. G.E. executive dining room has great clam chowder.
7. Seldom interrupted by annoying request to "put that in layman's terms."
6. Get to have own talk show with Canadian bandleader.
5. Stallone might play you in the movie.
4. Can feel superior to really, really, _really_ dumb guys.
3. Maybe get to be Vice-President.
2. Already know the answer when people ask, "What are you, and idiot?"
1. Fun bumper sticker: I'd rather be drooling.
Top 10 Other Campaign Promises Bush Has Broken - June 27, 1990
10. Birthday joyride on stealth bomber for every U. S. citizen.
9. Go 10 rounds with Dukakis at Trump Plaza.
8. To eat his own weight in birdseed twice a day.
7. Add mechanical shark attraction to White House tour.
6. A pony for Quayle.
5. Add Golden Girls to Mt. Rushmore.
4. To introduce a Brazilian dance craze with real staying power.
3. Provide big name guests and fresh new comedy every night. (Actually,
one of Dave's broken promises.)
2. That NBC's "Baywatch" would stay on the air forever.
1. Nude Elvis postage stamp.
Top 10 Bio-Engineering Projects in Development - June 28, 1990
10. Prairie dogs who change tires.
9. Skunk that gives off lemon-fresh scent after being flattened by a semi.
8. Sea otters who wear their fur like Pat Riley.
7. Squids that wait for the cable guy.
6. Super-intelligent dogs that really can play poker so you could just
photograph them instead of buying one of those fancy novelty paintings.
5. Dolphin who can pass the bar exam for JFK, Jr.
4. Coco Puffs bird with a calm, stable outlook on life.
3. Angry, growling, hissing marigold.
2. Mexican marital-counseling beans.
1. A grinch who steals car radios.
Top 10 Reasons the British Lost the Colonies - June 29, 1990
10. Hard to shoot straight with sissified powdered wigs falling in your
eyes.
9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey, but got carried away.
8. Colonists on steroids.
7. Spent too much time guessing who's gay in royal family.
6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey.
5. Serious problems with snuff abuse.
4. Lots of painful poking accidents trying to put on those pointy hats of
theirs.
3. We had Batman.
2. Wanted to get first draft choice.
1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!"
Top 10 Complaints of Dennis Thatcher - July 10, 1990
10. Secret Service guys keep roughing him up and asking who the hell he is.
9. Mrs. Mitterrand is all hands.
8. Has to keep eye on World Cup Trophy whenever Helmut Kohl goes to take a
leak.
7. He gave Margaret a list of his ideas and she just put it in her pocket
without even reading it.
6. He and Barbara Bush have same neck size.
5. Every minute Margaret is at the conference table is a minute they can't
be back at the hotel entwined in burning passion.
4. Drove all the way to Dallas for 2 Live Crew concert and they cancel the
show.
3. The way George Bush and Margaret exchange knowing looks every time
"foreign withdrawal" is mentioned.
2. Dan Quayle's lousy coffee.
1. Worried about spending so much time away from whatever the hell he does
for a living.
Top 10 Slogans for the 1992 Democratic Convention - July 11, 1990
10. OK, we're serious this time.
9. Guys stay free in Barney Frank's hotel room.
8. Get your picture taken in the Batmobile.
7. Watch the fun as Gerald Ford shows up by mistake.
6. One of our presidents dated Marilyn Monroe.
5. We're digging up Lyndon Johnson and running him again.
4. The JKF Jr. kissing booth will be there.
3. We're the party without Quayle.
2. We may date dippy blonds, drink excessively, and harbor at home male
prostitution rings, but we'd never lie about taxes, which by the way,
we plan to raise.
1. Just wait 'til '96!
Top 10 Least Popular Summer Camps - July 12, 1990
10. Camp Tick in Beautiful Lyme, Connecticut
9. Camp Geraldo
8. Backyards-of-People-Who-Don't-Seem-To-Be-Home Tenting Holidays
7. Amish Computer Camp
6. Dr. Kevorkian's Build-Your-Own-Suicide-Machine and Tennis Camp
5. Mr. & Mrs. Johnson's Camp for Kids Whose Parents Don't Love Them, Don't
Want Them Around, and Won't Even Pay for a Halfway Decent Camp
4. Gerry Cooney's Camp for Big Clumsy White Kids
3. Incontinent Palomino Western Trail Ranch
2. Camp Sissy-Boy
1. Mickey Rooney's All-Nude Outward Bound
Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Jokes Astronauts Tell - July 13, 1990
10. "You call that Mission Control?"
9. "The Titan 2, the Saturn 5, and Cher's waterbed."
8. "Heat shields? I thought you said Brooke Shields!"
7. "30 seconds and holding -- and please keep holding!"
6. "Hey! Blame gravity!"
5. "I said Venus! Venus!"
4. "Who do I look like? Buzz Aldrin?"
3. "10, 9, 8, 7 -- oops!"
2. "It wasn't G-forces that killed that monkey."
1. "Gee, it tasted like Tang!"
Top 10 Attractions and Exhibits at the New Nixon Library - July 17, 1990
10. G. Gordon Liddy kissing booth.
9. Bust of Spiro Agnew made of Karamel Korn.
8. Petition to get Nixon's name in that Billy Joel song.
7. Sonny, Red -- give Mr. Fulton this brand new Cadillac.
6. Pant leg where Chinese pandas had a little accident.
5. Gerald Ford backyard stunt show.
4. Five o'clock shadow petting zoo.
3. Julie and Tricia petting zoo.
2. "At least I wasn't Quayle" T-shirts.
1. Ride the Tricky Dick -- tallest roller coaster west of the Rockies!
Top 10 Ways France Is Preparing for the German Reunification - July 18,
1990
10. Dialing 911.
9. Installing speed bumps to slow down Panzers.
8. Cutting bedsheets into convenient easy-to-wave white rectangles.
7. Watching twice as many Jerry Lewis movies just to keep their spirits
up.
6. Stockpiling Blistex so they can kiss plenty of German butt.
5. Printing up T-shirts that say, "Don't shoot! I'm a collaborator!"
4. Going a really, really long time without bathing.
3. Suddenly acting all chummy with Chuck Norris.
2. Practicing running backwards and blowing kisses.
1. Developing top secret stealth cheese.
Top 10 Things With the Same Statistical Probability as the Minnesota Twins
Turning Two Triple Plays in the Same Game - July 19, 1990
10. First ball of the season hurled by President actually reaches catcher
without bouncing.
9. Falling meteor crushes Ebert, spares Siskel.
8. No one within two miles wearing a Simpsons T-shirt.
7. Farrakhan named B'nai Brith Man of the Year.
6. A really, really dumb guy becomes Vice-President.
5. The Zodiac Killer turns out to be Joan Lunden.
4. Watching VH-1 for a half hour and not seeing a Phil Collins video.
3. Watching VH-1 for a half hour.
2. President Tyson.
1. The Yankees making one double play.
Pete Rose's Top 10 Prison Activities - July 20, 1990
10. Making thousands of "FAY SUX" license plates.
9. Trying to keep cellmate from getting to first base.
8. Practicing opening and closing cell door to prepare for future as
casino greeter.
7. Playing Tevye in the all-tax evader version of "Fiddler on the Roof."
6. Executing his famous head-first slide over and over until he burrows
his way to freedom.
5. Discussing George Will's baseball book with members of the Manson
family.
4. Starting the wave during prison riots.
3. Getting a cell ready for Steinbrenner.
2. Leading a seminar in scratching yourself.
1. During softball game in exercise yard, arguing with umpire, getting
thrown out of prison.
Top 10 Things George Bush Likes about David Souter - July 24, 1990
10. Wears the same size robe as Brennan.
9. Can pronounce "Sununu" without giggling.
8. Only federal judge who hasn't hit on Barbara.
7. Probably isn't the Zodiac Killer.
6. The colorful clothes he wears and the way the sunlight plays upon his
hair.
5. Helped Dan Quayle beat the rap after he killed a guy at the dog track.
4. Heard he did magic tricks like the judge on "Night Court."
3. Can do this thing where he stops an electric car window with his head.
2. He has the figure for bicycle pants.
1. Once beat the crap out of Jacoby and Meyers.
Top 10 Ways McDonald's Is More Health Conscious - July 26, 1990
10. Ronald McDonald no longer sleeping in salad bar.
9. Happy Meals no longer include a pack of Luckies.
8. When out of Shamrock Shakes, will no longer substitute mop water.
7. Decorative bowls of mercury removed from tables.
6. Counter person now asks, "Would you like the name of a heart specialist
with that?"
5. Discontinuing "Find a Rusty Nail in Your Big Mac" game.
4. New combination: salad dressing/sunblock.
3. Employees must wash hands after patting down choking victims for wallet
and jewelry.
2. Mayor McCheese excused from duty at fry machine due to wet hacking
cough.
1. Decided to drop Porksicles.
Top 10 Reasons to Fly Eastern - July 26, 1990
10. Likelihood of getting killed by Eastern plane is same whether you're in
it or not.
9. Endorsed by the Suicide Doctor.
8. No delays because of lengthy pre-flight safety checklists.
7. Pilots point out interesting landmarks when they're not yelling,
"Mayday!"
6. If you don't, Marty Shugrue will make more of those stupid commercials.
5. Eastern aircraft always get emergency landing priority.
4. Emotional greetings from loved ones even after the most routine flight.
3. Statistically safer than marrying Jerry Lee Lewis.
2. Passengers encouraged to tinker.
1. Because you're feeling lucky.
Top 10 Questions about David Souter - July 27, 1990
10. Can he lift a gavel?
9. He's not managed by Don King, is he?
8. What's with the parrot?
7. Will he do everything in his power to change America's terribly
restrictive speed limits thus allowing our most beloved television
personality to drive as fast as he wants?
6. Will he pet on a second date?
5. Where does he stand on the tastes great/less filling controversy?
4. What's his sign? (Zodiac Killer only)
3. Why are he and Batman never in the same room at the same time?
2. Does he know Wapner?
1. Who died and made him judge?
Top 10 Good Things about George Steinbrenner - July 31, 1990
10. His pink slips have smiley faces on them.
9. Never considered hiring a guy in a chicken suit.
8. Exhales carbon dioxide, which is needed by plants.
7. Except for maybe six or seven times, never fired a manager on
Christmas.
6. Every day for the past 17 1/2 years, he has left flowers on the grave
of Babe Ruth's favorite hooker.
5. Always accepts charges on phone calls if you have damaging information
on a million dollar player.
4. Will eventually die and go to hell.
3. Isn't some foreigner from Canada who comes to this country, makes tons
of money every year as a TV bandleader, and then doesn't pay one
cent in taxes.
2. He personally blew up those inflatable bat souvenirs before each home
game.
1. His stepping out of the limelight and giving his son Hank a chance to
suck.
Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Reasons for Attacking Kuwait - August 2, 1990
10. To see a nice-looking color map of Iraq on CNN.
9. Tired of the Goodwill Games hogging all the headlines.
8. Pretty sure somebody near the Persian Gulf gave him the finger.
7. Heard they were manufacturing bootleg Simpsons T-shirts.
6. To impress Jodie Foster.
5. Chemical weapons were nearing expiration date.
4. Heard rumor Jessica McClure trapped in well in Kuwait.
3. Didn't have enough fuel and supplies to attack the Moon.
2. Yeah. Like a Middle-East madman needs an excuse to invade somebody.
1. Because the sand is always grainier on the other side of the border.
Top 10 Least Exciting Superpowers - August 3, 1990
10. Super spelling
9. Lightning-fast mood swings
8. Really bendy thumb
7. Can breathe soup
6. Ability to calm jittery squirrels
5. Power to shake exactly two aspirin out of a bottle
4. Ability to get tickets to Goodwill Games
3. Power to score with other superheroes' wives
2. Ability to communicate with corn
1. Magnetic colon
Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Helpful Invasion Tips - August 7, 1990
10. Don't phone ahead.
9. Start with something easy -- like France.
8. Make sure everybody uses the restroom before your armored columns
rumble across international borders.
7. Don't feed raccoons at KOA campsites.
6. Nerve gas: don't leave home without it.
5. If Nightline calls, make sure Ted Koppel's doing show, not Forrest
Sawyer.
4. Take along a gift for the host -- for example, a puppet regime.
3. Point out that people liked the British Invasion of the '60's.
2. Bring plenty of change for the tollbooths.
1. Don't just race through a country. Take some time to smell the goats.
Top 10 Thoughts of Motorists - August 9, 1990 [A video Top 10]
10. "What are you looking at?"
9. "Greyhound thinks I have a license."
8. "You guys aren't from America's Most Wanted, are you?"
7. "I'm an excellent driver."
6. "When you're a Northwest pilot, life is a nonstop party!"
5. "I'm cleaning my oven."
4. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
3. "Hey! That's my car!"
2. "That's right, pal -- its a Cadillac."
1. "One day, you're the Emir of Kuwait, the next, you're delivering
pizza."
Top 10 Categories on Iraqi Jeopardy - August 10, 1990
10. Things that won't set off airport security
9. Nicknames for sand
8. Famous Mohammeds
7. At home with Hitler
6. Games played with a human head
5. Ways to lose a hand
4. 23 letter words
3. Ayatollahs who have fallen out of their coffins
2. Sounds like "Shi'ite"
1. Broadway show tunes
Top 10 Marion Barry Campaign Slogans - August 14, 1990
10. I'm addicted -- to public service!
9. America's Funniest Home Video.
8. Just Say Yes.
7. ** Sorry, VCR glitch. **
6.
5. Let's put a little Colombia into the District of Columbia.
4. Hey -- Here's your Justice Department, pal!
3. He'll get the hookers off the streets -- and into the hotel rooms.
2. Imagine the victory party!
1. I'm Barry Barry sorry.
Top 10 Ways Khadafy Can Regain Title of World's Most Insane Leader - August
15, 1990
10. Eat his own foot in front of Newsweek reporter.
9. Hijackings every hour on the hour.
8. Put inflated surgical glove on head at press conference.
7. Buy stock in Eastern Airlines.
6. Go on cross-country car trip with Joe Piscopo; ask, "Do you do
impressions?"
5. Continually ask himself, "What would Curly do?"
4. Appoint Quayle Vice-President.
3. Open a retail electronics store and sell stuff at prices so low he's
practically giving it away!
2. Marry Cher.
1. Try the McRibs.
Top 10 Words Used Least Frequently in CIA Reports on Saddam Hussein -
August 16, 1990
10. Huggable
9. Busty
8. John Tesh-obsessed
7. Amish
6. Stoogeophile
5. Fahrvergnugen
4. Bitchin'
3. Yankee fan
2. Sane
1. Drop-dead gorgeous
Top 10 Ways the Emir of Kuwait Passes Time - August 17, 1990
10. Calling 911 to report his country stolen.
9. Sitting alone in Hilton lounge arranging maraschino cherry stems to
spell, "Iraq sucks."
8. Waiting on tables; going to auditions.
7. Writing a novel about an exiled Arab ruler who falls in love with a
rich American chick.
6. Enjoying free pizza after free pizza from Dominos.
5. Memorizing all the lyrics to "American Pie."
4. Listening to wife say for millionth time, "I told you we should have
had an army!"
3. Flogging the camel -- if you know what I mean.
2. Lots of long luxurious bubble baths.
1. Night manager at Riyadh Burger King.
Two weeks missing due to vacation (and roommate who screwed up the VCR
programming)
Top 10 Reasons New York City Would've Been a Good Site for the Olympics -
September 18, 1990
10. No shortage of starter pistols.
9. Already have cute mascot -- Lou the Giant Rat.
8. New York Yankees set tone for amateur athletics.
7. Eternal flame ceremony enhanced by mile-long parade of arsonists.
6. Would give city's cab drivers chance to root in person for their home
countries.
5. Exciting new exhibition sport: turnstile jumping.
4. Extra traffic easily handled by city's clean and efficient monorail
system.
3. Room for out-of-town visitors at Letterman's place.
2. Fun for Olympians to compare neck burns where gold medals used to be.
1. Hudson River practically made for synchronized swimming.
Top 10 Rejected NFL Team Names - September 19, 1990
10. The Opticians
9. The Groinpullers
8. The Fragile Porcelain Mice
7. The Fightin' Amish
6. The Blood-Swollen Ticks
5. The Velveteen Rabbits
4. The Referee Killers
3. The Soft Angora Sweater-Wearing Debutantes
2. The Greasy Ferrets
1. The Highly Paid Dumb Guys
Top 10 Changes in the Mustang Ranch Now that It's Owned by the Government -
September 20, 1990
10. Airbags installed in headboards of all beds.
9. Popular "whipped cream treatment" now uses government surplus cheese.
8. A simple half and half now involves hours of paperwork.
7. Chipped beef on toast.
6. Marion Barry once again interested in government work.
5. Easygoing low-pressure atmosphere maintained by experts from Postal
Service.
4. Etching of naked women replaced by clown paintings by Gerald Ford.
3. Name changed to Fort Dix.
2. Main gate marked by billboard of pantless Uncle Sam.
1. T-shirts in gift shop say: "I got screwed by the government."
Mrs. Hussein's Top 10 Tips for Keeping Your Husband Happy - September 21,
1990
10. Assure him he's just as maniacal as the day you met.
9. Leave little notes in his holster.
8. A little Woolite gets poison gas from most of your fine washables.
7. Tell him you look like Michelle Pfeiffer. Never take your veil off.
6. Double date with the Khadafys.
5. Freshly pressed slacks make a nice impression on forcibly detained
civilians.
4. Always offer to go first through a minefield.
3. When bowling keep telling him, "Boy, those pins really fly when you hit
them!"
2. Lull in your love life? Blow up a car.
1. Goat casserole -- and plenty of it!
Top 10 Surprises in the Kruschev Tapes - September 25, 1990
10. Rosenbergs also gave KGB formula for McDonalds' secret sauce.
9. Started Cuban missile crisis to impress Kim Novak.
8. Instigated long-term Soviet plan to destabilize New York Yankees
management.
7. First documented use of phrase, "It's Hammertime."
6. Castro? Gay.
5. Duet with Kenny Rogers.
4. Had names for each of his facial warts.
3. Bonus 30 minutes of his proven "Stop Smoking Now" technique.
2. Dreamed of ground-breaking primetime show featuring cops that sing.
1. Most frightening moment in his life: seeing Brezhnev naked.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Cincinnati Maplethorpe Obscenity Trial -
September 26, 1990
10. Ewww! Gross!
9. May I once again request that the District Attorney refrain from
giggling?
8. What the hell is Al Sharpton doing here?
7. Why, Rusty the bailiff -- he's trembling!
6. Thanks for taking a personal interest in this case, Congressman Frank.
5. Didn't he get burned stirring his coffee that way?
4. And these were taken by the Hubble telescope?
3. Hey, how about these Bengals?
2. Wait a minute -- that's Neil Bush!
1. No, no -- I said subpoena!
Top 10 Ways "The Civil War" Series Would Be Different If It Were On NBC -
September 27, 1990
10. General Grant played by ALF.
9. Reenactment of Gettysburg featuring bottles of Bud vs. bottles of Bud
Light.
8. Diary excerpts punched up to include more "zingers."
7. Stonewall Jackson leads troops into battle at the wheel of a cool
talking car.
6. Early in war, Lincoln replaces McClellan with Deborah Norville.
5. As cannonballs rain down on Fort Sumter, Bob Costas comments, "That's
gotta hurt!"
4. More emphasis on Matthew Brady's photographs of swimsuit models.
3. Willard Scott cameo as Clara Barton.
2. Lincoln shot while watching taping of "The Golden Girls."
1. Would have pit Fanelli brother against Fanelli brother.
Top 10 Perks of Being Saddam Hussein, Jr. - September 28, 1990
10. Can use poison gas on paper route customers who don't tip.
9. Can cash check without I.D. at Baghdad Winn-Dixie.
8. On your birthday, can have Abu Nidal dressed as clown drive truck-bomb
into cake.
7. Though completely unqualified, can get high-paying job with Iraqi
savings and loan.
6. Those madman-to-madman chats with Dad.
5. Can take a leak in the fountain at the mall.
4. Since he doesn't work for NBC, he's eligible to play McMillions game!
3. Can annoy celebrities, browbeat bandleader, and whine to audience
(perks of being David Letterman).
2. One phonecall from Dad gets you a safe cushy position with National
Guard.
1. When you turn 21, you get Kuwait.
Top 10 Last-Minute Things To Do Before German Reunification - October 2,
1990
10. Remove phrase "East Germany blows" from national anthem.
9. Decide which Elvis picture goes on new 50-Mark note.
8. Confirm arrangements for gorillagram announcements sent to all world
leaders.
7. Interview Emir of Kuwait as possible new leader.
6. Send out Quayle's invitation now, so it's sure to arrive late.
5. One final giddy night of East-West tensions.
4. For entertainment at ceremony, choreograph 100 Hitler impersonators.
3. Thank Letterman for orchestrating this whole reunification thing.
2. Stock up on Champale.
1. Practice saying, "We're going to Disneyland!"
Top 10 Ways Souter Celebrated His Confirmation - October 3, 1990
10. Smiled for a few seconds, then back to serious thoughts.
9. Bought Sandra Day O'Connor robe from Victoria's Secret.
8. Marched into judicial supply store and announced, "The gavels are on
me!"
7. Cruised by Bork and Ginzberg's places with Aerosmith blasting.
6. Kicked Mom out of house. Had girl over.
5. Made paper hat out of U.S. Constitution, filled it with beer, put it on.
4. Paid his college dope-smoking buddies rest of hush money.
3. Ate his usual cottage cheese lunch off the chest of a $1,000-a-night
hooker.
2. Made prank call to guy who won the McMillions contest.
1. Gave a big wet kiss to Thurgood Marshall.
Top 10 Iraqi Bumper Stickers - October 5, 1990
10. Don't tailgate: car bomb on board.
9. Have you hugged your hostage today?
8. If we could vote, I'd vote "Yes" on bond issue 6.
7. If chemical weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have chemical
weapons.
6. I got my camel dunked at Raging Rapids Water Park.
5. Baghdad Wolverines: 1986 Division Champions.
4. Gay and proud of it.
3. I brake for Kuwaitis, then shoot them, and loot their homes.
2. Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-PORK.
1. Honk if you still have hands.
Top 10 Things Pete Rose Is Doing During the Playoffs - October 5, 1990
10. Sewing bedsheets into hot air balloon so he can float over walls and
fly to OTB.
9. Working on children's book: "Roy, the Elf with the Gambling Addiction."
8. Chess by mail with George Steinbrenner.
7. Co-authoring investment guide with Neil Bush.
6. Conjugal visits from San Diego Chicken.
5. Dining with Leona.
4. License plates! License plates! License plates!
3. Digging like crazy with tablespoon to get to Oakland by seventh game of
World Series.
2. Asking guards every five minutes if his sentence is up yet.
1. Laundry.
Top 10 20/20 Features Currently in Production - October 11, 1990
10. What Irving Berlin has been up to since he died.
9. A chat with a man on the B train who used to be President of the United
States.
8. Billy, Hitler's talking dog, who looks just like a person, but he's a
dog. Really.
7. The New Jersey Nets visit the White House.
6. Where is he now? Former Senator Dan Quayle.
5. The inventor of the telephone -- Norman Telephoneman.
4. A lady with two dinosaurs in her yard. No, wait -- did I say two? It's
three at least!
3. Fact checkers: never had 'em. Never will!
2. Shirley MacLaine says, "I was Buckwheat!"
1. A guy from Pluto.
Top 10 Ways Saddam Hussein Can Win the Nobel Peace Prize - October 12, 1990
10. Announce a new nerve gas with a fresh pine scent.
9. Play bass with Sting at next rain forest concert.
8. Really nail the talent portion of the competition.
7. Go to McDonald's 28 days straight. Watch NBC. Win McMillions. Donate it
to charity.
6. Locate the guy who really played Buckwheat.
5. Never be seen in public without cute baby kitten on shoulder.
4. Orchestrate David Lee Roth/Van Halen reunion.
3. Announce he's cutting back on schedule to aggressively pursue having a
baby.
2. Get guy who decides prize a couple of hookers.
1. By killing himself.
Top 10 Oakland A's Excuses - October 23, 1990
10. Thought it was best out of 17.
9. Too worried about budget crisis to concentrate on game.
8. A very lucrative offer from Pete Rose.
7. Hard-of-hearing equipment manager filled bats with pork.
6. Afraid winners would get kissed by Morganna.
5. Tired from trying to talk Sinead O'Connor into singing national anthem.
4. Opposite team shouted "Swing!" when we got bad pitches.
3. Pulled abdominal muscles laughing at "The David Letterman Book of Top
Ten Lists" from Pocket Books -- a division of Simon & Schuster.
2. At the last minute, Canseco wanted his soul back.
1. Too busy choreographing nude locker room dance number for female
reporters.
Top 10 Provisions in the Lois Lane/Superman Pre-Nuptial Agreement - October
24, 1990
10. Joint custody of Jimmy Olsen.
9. Won't wear same color tights at social gatherings.
8. He has to clean up after his own Super Dog.
7. No kryptonite knick-knacks.
6. Lois must have Batman tattoo surgically removed.
5. Superman must reverse Earth's rotation to go back in time and put
toilet seat down.
4. No use of heat vision around Ms. Lane's collection of decorative soaps.
3. Christmas Day with her folks; Protonium Even with his.
2. In the event of a divorce, Lois gets the Plaza Hotel.
1. Superman prohibited from using X-ray vision at beach.
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Doctor - October 25, 1990
10. His office is on the D train.
9. Also promises to paint any car for $99.95.
8. Last name Mengele.
7. You're in what seems like a long tunnel and at the end is some light
and the beckoning forms of loved ones who passed on years before.
6. Giggles uncontrollably when he hears the word "penis."
5. Keeps asking, "Is somebody frying baloney?"
4. In middle of exam says, "Ever heard of a show called Totally Hidden
Video?"
3. Diagnoses arterial swelling of thoraxic metatarsus as a lymphnodic
disorder.
2. Frequently wonders if you're getting enough fudge in your diet.
1. After he asks you to cough, says, "OK, now my turn."
Top 10 Changes in Mount Rushmore - October 31, 1990
10. Time and temperature display in Theodore Roosevelt's forehead.
9. Removed big earrings from Lincoln because they made him look cheap.
8. Add Morey Amsterdam.
7. Elegant new "Washington's Nose Cafe."
6. Roosevelt and Jefferson now kissing.
5. Loud, untidy family of squatters evicted from Washington's ears.
4. Gag space that says: "Reserved for Dan Quayle."
3. Giant mechanical hand added that slaps them across face like the Three
Stooges.
2. Genuine sheepskin eyebrows.
1. The whole thing will be crawling with real live monkeys.
Top 10 Mafia Euphemisms for Death - November 1, 1990
10. Checked into the wooden Waldorf.
9. No longer eligible for census.
8. Dropping both AT&T and MCI.
7. Your highway taxes at work.
6. Upcoming guest on 20/20.
5. He's fallen and he can't get up.
4. Resting his organs.
3. McRibs (for a limited time only)
2. Kicked the oxygen habit.
1. Bought a Yugo.
Top 10 Ways To Get Hussein Out of Kuwait - November 2, 1990
10. Ask really nicely.
9. Tell Hussein he's won tickets to Giants game. As soon as he sits down
-- nab him!
8. Remind him that McRibs are for a limited time only.
7. Have phone company call every Iraqi soldier. Tell them they have to be
home the next day between 8 and 5.
6. Explain that what he's done is wrong. Then bomb him back to the Stone
Age.
5. Mention the old story about the place being haunted.
4. Convince him it's the senseless irrational thing to do.
3. Creep him out by having CIA ventriloquists make his pets say stuff
like: "Get out of Kuwait!"
2. Tell him you heard they were giving out fudge in Pakistan.
1. Get Charles Bronson to "clean house."
Top 10 Least Popular MTV Contests - November 7, 1990
10. Win stuff found in ZZ Top's beards.
9. Do time for James Brown.
8. Locked-in-Sting's-car-trunk fantasy weekend.
7. A date with Cher (must be under 16).
6. Win Michael Jackson's old nose.
5. Actually get to be one of the New Monkees -- not for a day, but
forever!
4. 100th caller gets to have dinner with 101st caller.
3. Shirt shopping with Paul Shaffer.
2. Peter, Paul, and you!
1. Try on Meatloaf's pants.
Top 10 Reasons Darryl Strawberry Is Leaving New York - November 8, 1990
10. Tired of using graffiti-covered bats.
9. He misses earthquakes.
8. Will get to sleep three hours later every day.
7. Tommy Lasorda puts on much better post-game buffet than Bud Harrelson.
6. Would rather get shot at on freeway than on subway.
5. No more really good -- I mean really good -- I mean get up and shout
for joy musicals on Broadway.
4. Life seems so empty without best friend Tom Carvel.
3. He's probably the Zodiac Killer.
2. Dodger Stadium has breathtaking view of ocean.
1. Tie: soaring crime rate/no tar pits.
Top 10 Least Popular TV Dinners - November 9, 1990
10. Split Pea & Hamster
9. Swanson's Sweaty Man Dinner
8. Hot 'n' Hearty Microbe Casserole
7. Scorched Canadian Geese Extracted from Commercial Jet Engines
6. Al Sharpton's Veal Medallions
5. Jolly Green Giant's Assorted Elf Parts
4. I Can't Believe It's Not Perch!
3. Old-Fashioned Singed Tabby
2. John Gotti's Guys-Who-Crossed-Me Stew
1. Freak Show Sushi
Top 10 Surprises in "Rocky V" - November 13, 1990
10. Don King's nude scene.
9. Fight sequences choreographed by Peter Allen.
8. Rocky killed by Laura Palmer's father.
7. Rocky's new manager Fred McMurray puts flubber in Rocky's gloves. Rocky
knocks opponent to Mars.
6. Mr. T? Gay as a French horn.
5. Rocky goes back into the ring to fight a younger, stronger opponent and
even though he hasn't a chance in the world to beat him, digs down and
musters all of the courage and heart he can and -- you'll never believe
this -- wins anyway!
4. Lovable character Chewbacca dies.
3. Weatherman Al Roker looks even bigger than last year. (A surprise of
"Live at 5.")
2. That the referee didn't stop the series at "Rocky III."
1. You paid $7.50 to see it.
Top 10 Ways To Get Out of Jury Duty - November 14, 1990
10. Bring note from Rusty the bailiff.
9. Ask if you get to execute criminals personally.
8. Keep saying very loudly, "Hey -- who's frying baloney?"
7. Every five minutes point to different person in courtroom and yell, "He
did it!"
6. Say you're looking forward to hearing judge sing -- like on "Cop Rock."
5. Ask if there will be opportunities to examine bloody undershirts.
4. Fly into a rage whenever Norwegians are mentioned.
3. Respond to every question, "Let me talk to the little man who lives in
my pants."
2. Tell them you've already done jury duty on "Matlock."
1. Ask the judge if he's wearing Aramis.
Top 10 Least Popular Brands of Cigarettes - November 15, 1990
10. Hint o' Lint 100's
9. Sleepy's Mattress-Flashers
8. Gee, Your Lungs Smell Terrific
7. Benson & Hedge Trimmings.
6. Die-Before-Your-Kid-Goes-To-College Lights
5. L&M Turkish Prison Standards
4. Ozark Eddie's Mentholated Skeeter Chasers
3. Marion Barry "Extras"
2. Mr. Butt
1. Oscar Mayer Smokable Weenies
Top 10 New Jobs for Milli Vanilli - November 16, 1990
10. Open law firm of Jacoby, Meyers, Milli, and Vanilli.
9. Camp counselors in Father Flanagan's Pretty Boys Town.
8. Jamaican pickpockets in American Express commercials.
7. Try to sell Ben and Jerry's on idea for "Milli Vanilla."
6. Cartoon pals to Chilly Willy.
5. Professional object of scorn and ridicule for years to come.
4. Fact-checkers at 20/20 (Buckwheat division).
3. Even Newer Kids on the Block.
2. Extremely groovy fry cooks.
1. Who cares? Just so long as we don't hear from them ever again.
Top 10 New York City Thanksgiving Traditions - November 20, 1990
10. Taking a hooker to the Mayflower Hotel.
9. Traveling over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's crack
den.
8. Go to supermarket, try to fit three frozen turkeys in pants.
7. Al Sharpton's Sports Festive Sweet Potato Medallion.
6. Get spot on roof of building for Macy's parade; try to spit on Santa.
5. Free slivers of ham placed in taxicab change slots.
4. Fun pilgrim hat drawn on all chalk body outline.
3. Family gathers at table holds hand and recites the Miranda rights.
2. Turning off the Jets game after first quarter.
1. Finish your meal, loosen your belt, then doze off until the manager of
the Sizzler calls the cops.
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Macy's Parade - November
21, 1990
10. Every time a float goes by, scream at the top of lungs: "She's gonna
blow!"
9. Asking total strangers if you can sit on their shoulders.
8. Going up on Macy's roof; "fishing" for Willard's toupee.
7. Throwing hotel keys onto float with Little Bo Peep.
6. Rubbing Kermit balloon on Al Sharpton's hair; sticking it on the
Chrysler Building.
5. Cold-cocking Santa; taking his place dressed as Roy Orbison.
4. Entering your own float: The Life-Size Beat-Up Camaro with 15 Dudes
Crammed in It.
3. Taking a leak off the side of the reviewing stand.
2. Go on and on about how much better the Sears Thanksgiving Day parade is.
1. Marching pantsless.
Top 10 Iraqi Thanksgiving Traditions - November 22, 1990
10. Loudly giving thanks for Saddam Hussein just in case the house is bugged.
9. Turkey carved by oldest family member who still has hands.
8. Watching the Baghdad Bengals beat the Jets.
7. Stuffing the turkey with plastic explosives.
6. Go to Adrian's Mom's house and hang around (one of Rocky's Thanksgiving
traditions).
5. Eat huge pile of sand; doze off in front of TV.
4. Watch Macy's parade via satellite; renew vow to kill Willard Scott.
3. Slow cook turkey with poison gas.
2. Put on foam clown noses; squirt each other with seltzer (a wacky
Thanksgiving tradition).
1. Have nice dinner; take over small, defenseless country.
Top 10 Things Dennis Thatcher Will Miss - November 23, 1990
10. All those men in powdered wigs hanging around.
9. During summits, getting hair done with Mrs. Mitterand.
8. All the free sample stuff from the Wham-O company.
7. Taking the lift up to the flat or the pram or the telly or whatever the
hell they call it.
6. Winning fortune in bar bets by claiming he could screw the Prime
Minister.
5. Using that "10 Downing Street" address and having Dominos deliver in 5
minutes.
4. Going through Churchill's collection of old Playboy's.
3. Those Saturday nights when he and Maggie would finish entire bottle of
Jack Daniels and start making up some laws.
2. Weekly saunas with Benny Hill.
1. The admiration of unemployed, freeloading husbands everywhere.
Orville Redenbacher's Top 10 Most Horrifying Secrets - November 28, 1990
10. That's not his grandson; that's his "longtime companion."
9. Has 50 pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all times.
8. He was raised by white mice.
7. Is the real voice of Milli Vanilli.
6. Came home one night to find wife in bed with Keebler elves.
5. Was responsible for that fire at the Jiffy-Pop factory.
4. Two words: Asian escorts.
3. Has small vestigial wings.
2. Likes to wear pants 3 sizes too large, go to malls, and then say,
"Oops!" whenever they fall down.
1. That ain't butter.
Top 10 Official Titles of Saddam Hussein - November 30, 1990
10. Big Oily Lion of the Desert
9. Allah's L'il Buddy
8. Inventor of the Pet Rock
7. King of the Future Taxi Drivers
6. Goodwill Ambassador for the Kinney Shoe Company (recently revoked)
5. Guardian of the Men's Room Key, Baghdad Sunoco
4. That Time-To-Make-the-Donuts Guy
3. Miss Nude Canada, 1986
2. Underestimator of U.S. Military Might Which Could Blow His Butt from
Here to Mars
1. The Hardest Working Tyrant in Show Business
Top 10 Fast Food Franchises in Iraq - December 12, 1990
10. Kentucky Gassed Chicken
9. Sand-in-the-Box
8. Saddam's Big Boy
7. Goats 'n' Stuff
6. Veil-less Babes Donut Shop
5. Donkey Hut
4. Glorious Martyred Chicken Parts
3. Tony Roma's
2. Taco Tent
1. Stuff Your Hump
Top 10 Signs Gorbachev Is on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown - December
13, 1990
10. At recent state dinner, kept goosing Belgian ambassador.
9. Constantly calls Time-Life operators, chats for hours and never orders
anything.
8. In interview with Hugh Downs, passed himself off as Buckwheat.
7. Tried to get service in 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
6. Recently caught living in my house claiming to be Mrs. Letterman.
5. Can suddenly understand everything Shirley MacLaine says.
4. Opened discount electronics store and is selling things at prices so
low he's practically giving them away!
3. Thinks he has a red spot on his head.
2. Put everything he had on the New York Jets to win the Super Bowl.
1. Shoots out TV every time Robert Goulet comes on.
Top 10 Reasons To Give Dan Quayle a Raise - December 15, 1990
10. To begin teaching him the value of money.
9. He has to replace the crayons he ate.
8. His father threatened to make trouble.
7. To match the salary of Millie, the White House dog.
6. You'd rather he went out and got a real job and maybe screwed up an
entire industry?
5. So he'll stop selling his autograph at Star Trek conventions.
4. To show appreciation for his defending Indiana during the Vietnam War.
3. To keep the money out of the hands of undeserving teachers and
firefighters.
2. Oh what the hell -- they're only giving him play money anyway.
1. The White House lawn has been looking pretty darn sharp lately.
Top 10 Promotional Slogans for the Suicide Machine - December 18, 1990
10. Just try it once -- that's all we ask.
9. The quicker putter downer.
8. Isn't it about time you took an honest look at your stinking miserable
life?
7. From the people who brought you "The Clapper."
6. Impress the chicks in hell.
5. Claus von Bulow says, "I liked it so much, I bought the company!"
4. While I'm killing myself, I'm also cleaning my oven.
3. Damn it! It's about time you did something for you!
2. If you're not dead in 30 minutes -- it's free!
1. We're not the heartbeat of America.
Top 10 Elf Occupational Hazards - December 19, 1990
10. Severe chafing from testing new bicycle seats.
9. Tinsel lung.
8. Mistakenly drinking paint.
7. Jingle bell lodged in trachea.
6. When a reindeer takes a leak on you.
5. Stepping on a little red wagon and sliding into giant gas turbines.
4. Ringworm.
3. Two words: lawn darts.
2. Fired when G.E. takes over company.
1. Hammer fights.
Top 10 Items from the North Pole Police Blotter - December 20, 1990
10. Two white male elves caught shoplifting condoms at Pay 'n' Save.
9. Santa stabbed for his jacket.
8. Broke up domestic squabble between Dancer and Prancer.
7. Female polar bear at disco allegedly fondled by Mike Tyson.
6. Frosty the snowman caught taking a leak in subway; claimed he was just
"melting."
5. Unidentified 3' 6" male wearing pointy cap and bells on shoes shot dead
while dining at local Italian eatery.
4. Santa's sleigh found completely stripped 5,000 miles away on
Cross-Bronx Expressway.
3. Woman keeps breaking into Santa's home claiming to be Mrs. Claus.
2. Issued warning at frat party to turn down the Burl Ives records.
1. Arrested 35-year-old white male who refused to get off Santa's lap.
Top 10 Real Reasons Shevardnadze Resigned - December 21, 1990
10. Didn't want to buy Christmas gifts for all the other guys in the
Politburo.
9. Offered chance to be opening act for Yakov Smirnoff.
8. Got a good deal on a house in Chernobyl.
7. Tired of falling for Boris Yeltsin's "pull my finger" trick.
6. Strangely found himself increasingly attracted to Gorbachev.
5. Kremlin wouldn't come up with Canseco dollars.
4. He's developing a show for Russian television about cops who sing.
3. Decided to follow the Grateful Dead full-time.
2. Got hit on head with bowling ball; now he thinks he's Ralph Kramden.
1. Found out there was more chance for advancement at Moscow McDonalds.
Top 10 Most Frequently Returned Christmas Gifts - December 26, 1990
10. The Sunbeam Six-Slice Shower Toaster.
9. Raymond Burr's "Sweatin' to the Oldies" videocassette.
8. New York Jets playoff tickets.
7. The Devout Muslim Nation Joke Book.
6. The Black & Decker Forehead Sander.
5. Bag of Live Mice.
4. Super-Itchy Slipper-Socks from Super-Itchy Technologies, Hartford,
Connecticut.
3. Dr. Kevorkian's Suicide Machine.
2. Cop Rock Junior Soprano Detective Kit.
1. "Lick Me" -- The Board Game.
Top 10 Reject Bowl Game Titles - December 27, 1990
10. The Ben-Gay Bowl
9. The White Guys All-Star Game
8. The Cupless Classic
7. The Festival of Big Sweaty Men on Steroids
6. I Don't Think It's a Fracture But I Can't Be Sure Until We Take Some
X-Rays Bowl
5. Saddam Hussein's Scrimmage unto Death
4. The Guys Who Came Really Close To Passing Their Drug Test Classic
3. The Tournament of Hoses
2. Sissy Boy Slap Party
1. Manute Bowl
Dan Quayle's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions - December 28, 1990
10. Think of snappy comeback to Bentsen for that "You're no Kennedy"
remark.
9. Finally get it straight: Democrats are the donkey, Republicans the
elephant.
8. Get Marilyn's little dog to write a book the way Barbara Bush got her's to.
7. Eat a zillion M&M's.
6. Stop picking up hotline phone to Moscow and yelling, "I've fallen and I
can't get up!"
5. Renew ties with family of ducks that raised him.
4. When meeting foreign dignitaries, try not to crack up and say, "What a
funny hat!"
3. Spend more time with imaginary friend "Leslie."
2. Three words: catch road runner.
1. Learn to say "Sununu" without giggling.
Top 10 Signs that Your Bank Is Failing - January 8, 1991
10. Free handful of Cheetos with every new account.
9. They hand out calendars one month at a time.
8. Security guard offers to walk you back to your office for five
bucks.
7. Overhear branch manager muttering to himself, "I wonder if you can
eat squirrel?"
6. Free giveaway toaster is made by G.E.
5. Automatic teller machine replaced by fat guy with carton of
twenties.
4. You glimpse inside the vault and notice it's stacked with empty
soda bottles.
3. You deposit cash; an officer runs over, sticks it in his pocket,
and dances around yelling, "Lordy, we're having biscuits tonight!"
2. You recognize some of the tellers as carnival people.
1. They can't change a twenty.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Baker/Aziz Meeting - January 9, 1991
10. "It's Garfield. He's very popular in our country. He'll stick to
your windshield."
9. "What the hell is Buddy Ryan doing here?"
8. "So if we get out by Friday, we get the subscription to Sports
Illustrated -- <ib>and<ie> the football phone?"
7. Is somebody frying baloney?"
6. "Is Saddam as funny in real life as he seems on TV?"
5. "I'm sorry, Mr. Aziz. I cannot explain Norm Crosby."
4. "Yahtzee!"
3. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
2. "Cut the crap, camel boy, or the 101st Airborne drops down your
chimney and feeds you your own socks."
1. "Mr. Gotti says get out of Kuwait now."
Top 10 Things Hussein Has To Do Between Now and January 15 - January
10, 1991
10. Call Jacoby & Meyers.
9. Get the best damn ear plugs money can buy.
8. Try the McRibs (they're for a limited time only).
7. Week of appearances on "The Match Game."
6. Take some time to stop and smell the camels.
5. Try to get the Bat signal to work.
4. R.S.V.P. "no" to wedding invitation from Stacy Ellis and Michael
Tierney of Duluth, Minnesota.
3. Take New York City cab drivers test.
2. Shower.
1. Fill out post office change of address card for Hell.
Top 10 Good Things About Being in Iraq Right Now - January 11, 1991
10. Practically no lines and Baghdad Aqua-Park and Super-Slide.
9. Get to be on CNN a lot.
8. If you have goofball name like "Saddam" or "Tario" no one makes
fun of you.
7. Guys filling sandbags down at the barracks know all the latest
Quayle jokes.
6. Blasts from bombs may make the veils of hot babes fly off.
5. At least everyone has stopped talking about that damn "Twin Peaks"
show.
4. If you're one of those people who really like giant posters of
Saddam Hussein, the place is like Disneyland.
3. Good chance whole country could be in next "Whatever Happened To?"
book.
2. Can party like it's 1999.
1. It's still safer than New York City.
Top 10 Real Reasons We're Being Delayed Tonight - January 15, 1991
10. Tom Brokaw went off on a tangent about a piece of something or
other he found in a sandwich recently.
9. Carson show ran long. Ed couldn't stop laughing.
8. Had to annul my weekend marriage to Tyne Daly.
7. To give extra time for really stupid people to set VCR's.
6. John Chancellor concluded his news commentary by singing long
version of "American Pie."
5. Searched especially heard to find best damn studio audience in
North America.
4. Surprise walk-ons by Robert DeNiro, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Bonnie
Franklin had to be edited out for legal reasons.
3. Applause activated "The Clapper"; studio plunged into darkness.
2. NBC hoping Tom Snyder would come back.
1. None of your damn business. The show is free, isn't it?
Top 10 Features of Saddam Hussein's Bunker - January 29, 1991
10. Goat-size microwave.
9. State-of-the-art grooming facilities.
8. A Gideon Koran.
7. Button to launch Scuds hooked up to a Clapper.
6. Security camera to catch woman who keeps breaking into bunker
claiming to be Mrs. Hussein.
5. Cheesy looking clock that was gift from PLO that he has to pull
out every time Arafat visits.
4. Babe-o-Matic periscope.
3. Always calling his son-in-law a meathead (a feature of Archie
Bunker's place).
2. Shower (never used).
1. Hitler's old La-Z-Boy recliner.
Top 10 Rejected Gimmicks for Doublemint Gum - January 30, 1991
10. The Doublemint drifter.
9. The double-bypass twins.
8. The Doublemint pack of vicious dogs that knock over garbage cans
and bite kids.
7. The one dentist out of five who doesn't recommend Trident.
6. The Doublemint bachelor and his longtime companion.
5. MacNeil and Lehrer, those gum-loving newshounds.
4. The Doublemint woman with multiple personalities.
3. Charles Manson in swimming trunks.
2. The Doublemint triplets with Bob Guccione in a hot tub.
1. Hitler 'n' Hussein: the Mint Boys.
Top 10 Reasons Eastern Airlines Went Bankrupt - January 31, 1991
10. Lavish keep-the-whole-can-of-soda policy.
9. Bad timing for new "Baghdad Fun-in-the-Sun" promotion.
8. Spent small fortune at crew lounges sending cocktails to Northwest
pilots.
7. Shouldn't have copied Domino's Pizza campaign: "If you're not
there in 30 minutes -- the flight's free!"
6. Insane policy of hiring MIT physicists just to make sure the
dessert squares were perfectly square.
5. You think it doesn't cost money to falsify safety records?
4. Could've saved money on jumbo economy-size containers of jet fuel
instead of impulsively buying little cans of it at corner convenience
store.
3. Huge wallet where they kept their money stolen during recent rip
to New York.
2. Baggage handler Walter F. Collins of 1411 Hillturn Lane,
Cincinnati, Ohio, who, damn it, just didn't hustle.
1. You try giving away free bags of peanuts year after year after
year!
Top 10 Headlines in Today's Baghdad Newspapers - February 1, 1991
10. Odd Western Custom of Relentlessly Dropping Bombs To Say "I
Surrender" Continues
9. Mix-up at Baby Milk Factory Actually Produces Baby Milk
8. American Team Loses Superbowl
7. Letter Bombs Go Up to 29 Cents.
6. George Bush Falls; Can't Get Up
5. Elvis Is Living in My Bunker (Baghdad Enquirer)
4. Build Your Own Scud! See Lifesytyle Section
3. America Demoralized By Letterman's 9th Anniversary
2. Victory Parade Rescheduled
1. Big Lotto Winner Announced: Hussein Again!
Top 10 Things Peter Arnett Does for Fun - February 5, 1991
10. Celebrity judge on Iraqi Dance Fever.
9. Each day tries a new falafel place for lunch.
8. Two words: veil chasing.
7. Daily letters to Jodie Foster.
6. Drives them nuts in Hussein's bunker by repeatedly phoning and
asking if "Shlomo" is there.
5. Swaps Quayle jokes with Iraqi censors.
4. Dreams about free trip he will take after he cashes in his
frequent-flyer miles from Eastern Airlines.
3. Nude volleyball with Republican Guards.
2. Put speakers out hotel windows and blasts "Born in the U.S.A."
1. Dresses up like Diane Sawyer.
Top 10 Signs the Iraqi Military Is Cracking - February 6, 1991
10. When allied bomb misses them, they no longer do "the wave."
9. Patriotic messages on Baghdad radio replaced with 12-in-a-row from
Motley Crue.
8. Everyone in Republican Guard now going by name "Dorothy."
7. Dan Quayle's father getting thousands of pleading phonecalls from
Iraqi troops.
6. Iraqi officers suddenly complaining that their bunkers smell like
corn chips.
5. Deserters describe widespread fear that U.S. is bringing in Chuck
Norris.
4. Iraqi government offering a $100 reward to any Israeli who returns
an unexploded Scud in good condition.
3. French ambassador seen coaching Baghdad officials on how to snivel
and give up.
2. Thousands of applications from Iraq flooding New York City Taxi
Commission.
1. American soldiers' cries of "Tastes great!" no longer trigger
Iraqi response of "Less filling!"
Top 10 Top Secret Projects at Birdseye Village - February 7, 1991
10. A strain of lima beans with a refreshing menthol center.
9. A way to send Hollandaise sauce over a fax machine.
8. Spinach that actually makes you really strong for a couple of
minutes.
7. Defrosting Walt Disney.
6. A TV show with a fat guy and a skinny guy who review movies and
plug frozen vegetables.
5. Test marketing actual frozen birds' eyes.
4. Sexy Swedish twins (not a product, just something for the boys in
the lab).
3. Scud missile that seeks out and destroys the old guy in the
Pepperidge Farm ad.
2. A new less-embarrassing name for "niblets."
1. Nerve peas.
Top 10 Ways to Lure Hussein Out of His Bunker - February 8, 1991
10. Remind him McRibs are for a limited time only.
9. Bribe paper boy to toss paper far from bunker door.
8. Tell him his long-lost son Gene Shalit has come home.
7. $10 bill on a 100-mile string.
6. Have Richard Simmons pull up in his powder blue '57 T-bird and hop
around on the lawn.
5. Have Ed McMahon at front door ready to personally hand him a check
for one million dollars.
4. Fudge.
3. Get local electronics store to offer prices so low they're
practically giving it away!
2. Send in the ghost of Lorne Greene.
1. Drop open bottle of Cher's perfume down ventilator shaft.
Top 10 Other Nicknames for Lincoln - February 12, 1991
10. The Abe-o-litionist
9. Vanilla Abe
8. Town Car
7. Mr. Five Dollar Bill
6. Grand champion, 4 years running, White House slam dunk contest
5. The Fonz
4. Mary Todd's Old Man (hippies only)
3. Little Debbie
2. The Illinois Babe Magnet
1. Aaaaaaaaaaabe
Top 10 Reasons CNN Let the Iraqis Use Their Phone Lines - February 13,
1991
10. Iraq told them they had never used a football phone before.
9. Needed to call 911; report a lot of mysterious explosions in
neighborhood.
8. Iraqi guy told Peter Arnett he just wanted to show him how to play
CNN theme on touch-tone buttons.
7. To call 970-VEIL.
6. Trying to win Bon Jovi tickets by being 100th caller to Radio
Baghdad.
5. Wanted to talk to Time-Life operator Susie.
4. Foreman of Iraqi "baby milk factory" had to place a rush order for
"pacifiers" from Germany.
3. Thought it was funny idea to call Baghdad airport and have them
page "Dick Hertz."
2. Iraq promised to use Sprint and get big savings over AT&T, but
when the bill came, where were the "big" savings? I mean, I thought
it was a typo! If you switched from AT&T, it's easier than ever to
come back.
1. Hoping to screw Dominos out of free pizza.
Top 10 Signs You're in Love with Secretary of Transportation Samuel K.
Skinner - February 14, 1991
10. You read nine newspapers a day in hopes of seeing his name.
9. You believe his speeches to gatherings of civil engineers are
filled with secret messages to you.
8. You hate the other cabinet members for holding him back.
7. In your new wallet, where it says, "In case of emergency please
notify," you've filled in "Samuel K. Skinner."
6. Whenever you hear someone say, "Man, the bus is late again," the
next thing you know, you're in a fist fight.
5. You've put posters of him up right over your old posters of former
Transportation Secretary James Burnley.
4. When you're a contestant on Jeopardy, no matter what the category
or answer is, you always hit the buzzer and say, "Who is Samuel K.
Skinner?"
3. You keep breaking into his house claiming to be Mrs. Skinner.
2. You drive 55, hoping he'll notice.
1. You come to after being hit with a 2x4 and say, "Forget about me.
How's Samuel K. Skinner?"
Top 10 Dog Excuses for Losing the Dog Show - February 15, 1991
10. Mistaken in assumption there would be a chance to show off talent
for drinking from toilet.
9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon.
8. Bad idea going to Don King's barber.
7. Caught in a lie claiming to be Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle
Three.
6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate.
5. My life-long losing battle with problem drool.
4. Spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's.
3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg.
2. Money goes to trainer anyway. So let him stand naked in Madison
Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit.
1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed.
Top 10 Signs that Jim Bakker Is Rehabilitated - February 20, 1991
10. Can now remember six of the Commandments.
9. Has thrown out his Rolodex of preacher groupies.
8. His prayers include much less frequent use of the term "vacation
home."
7. No longer shoplifts condoms.
6. Openly admits his attraction to Tammy Faye may have been a passing
clown fetish.
5. Has told groups of visiting theologians, in all candor, "I am an
incredible dork."
4. Has stopped writing letters asking ABC too save "Cop Rock."
3. Got Sports Illustrated subscription for the football phone -- not
the swimsuit issue.
2. Now gleefully admits that yes, he does look like a frog.
1. He's wearing pants again.
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Republican Guard -
February 21, 1991
10. Giggling during story time.
9. Asking commander during inspection, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
8. Forging letter of recommendation from Steinbrenner.
7. Whenever enemy aircraft appears, dropping your gun and screaming
like a woman.
6. Wearing "Home of the Scud Missile" boxer shorts.
5. Comments like, "Wow! That Hussein guy is nuts!"
4. Holding membership in B'nai Brith.
3. Showering.
2. Double dating with Arthur Kent.
1. Laughing hysterically as you point to the sky and say, "Hey look
everybody! More B-52's!"
Top 10 Least Popular New Car Options - February 22, 1991
10. Rear window fogger.
9. Pre-filled ashtrays.
8. Passenger airbag in trunk.
7. Drifter in the backseat who says, "Your door is open."
6. Hydraulic roadkill scoop.
5. 35 smelly Ringling Brothers clowns.
4. Ceiling fans.
3. Electronic scanner that reads the mind of Roddy McDowell.
2. Oprahometer.
1. Intermittent steering.
Top 10 Iraqi Excuses - February 26, 1991
10. Heard there was a big prize for one millionth Iraqi who
surrendered.
9. Our big chance to be on CNN.
8. Terribly upset over death of Gary from "thirtysomething."
7. Used a New York Jets playbook.
6. Winning a war is nothing like tingly sensation of kissing Saudi
soldiers.
5. Garden hose could barely reach B-52's, let alone slow them up.
4. Thought it was the line for "Silence of the Lambs" -- next thing
you know, we're POW's!
3. Why should we fight when Hussein is in his bunker, watching MTV
and getting wasted?
2. Wanted to get first-round draft pick next season.
1. Just a big popularity contest anyway.
Top 10 Things Overheard in Kuwait City - February 27, 1991
10. Hello, State Farm?
9. What's Don King doing here?
8. Cop Rock's been cancelled?
7. Who's frying goat?
6. Baby, I bet your face is too beautiful to hide behind that veil!
5. Sir, some of the other POW's are hogging the make-your-own-sundae
bar.
4. Hey everybody! It's paint-up, fix-up, spruce-up time!
3. This looks like a party at Phyllis Diller's place. [Bob Hope
only.]
2. Why are all the cab drivers here named Smith?
1. OK, considering the craters in the road, I'll give you 45 minutes
to get the pizza here.
Top 10 Things We Will Miss About Saddam Hussein - February 28, 1991
10. Cute way his nose wrinkles when he orders a Scud launch.
9. Way he teased us about making us swim in our own blood.
8. His terrorist-studded Oscar-watching parties.
7. Those funny commercials where he'd say, "Time to make the donuts."
6. Way he'd look around as everybody laughed at the mashed potatoes
in his moustache.
5. The way he made Donald Trump seem not so bad really.
4. Funny voice he'd use for sock puppet while ordering execution of
family members.
3. His "just folks" bunker hospitality.
2. He gave bullies, thieves, and jerks a much-needed role model.
1. Way you could make him jump a mile by popping a paper bag.
Top 10 Ways Bush Could Blow It in '92 - March 1, 1991
10. Unloads Barbara for a 19-year-old male prostitute.
9. Gets sick during White House ceremony; throws up on Super Bowl
winners.
8. Lets Hussein stay in Lincoln bedroom for 6 months while he "gets
his head together."
7. Guest stars on "Matlock"; shoots Andy Griffith in the face.
6. It is revealed that he bet against the U.S. in the Gulf war.
5. Decides to grow stylish Hitler moustache.
4. Has Marlin Fitzwater hold press conferences shirtless.
3. Chooses Quayle as his running mate.
2. Gets careless about secret family in West Virginia.
1. Appears on Donahue as "Debi Bush."
Top 10 Courses Taken by Basketball Players at UNLV - March 12, 1991
10. Investing Your Illegal Recruiting Money Wisely.
9. NBA Team Mascots: Are They Really Big Animals?
8. Naming the Presidents Since Kennedy.
7. Hydraulic Principles of the Keg.
6. Your Ass from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study.
5. The College Classroom: A Simulation.
4. Nudie Paintings from the Olden Days.
3. Copying Off the Exam of the Asian Guy in Front of You.
2. How To Spell Tarkanian.
1. How To Choose the Best Free Car.
Top 10 New Promotional Slogans for Sudafed - March 13, 1991
10. Sudafed: I dare you!
9. Comes in regular non-fatal and now new fatal!
8. Some of the same chemicals used by the Iraqi army.
7. Sudafed, it rhymes with dead!
6. Claus von Bulow liked it so much he bought the company!
5. Take a dance lesson with Arthur Murray.
4. If Shirley MacLaine is right, you've got nothing to worry about.
3. Sudafed, take me away!
2. If your not dead in 30 minutes -- the Sudafed's free!
1. No more food, no more folks, no more fun.
Top 10 Things the Emir Has To Do Now that He's Back in Kuwait - March
14, 1991
10. Pick up goat from kennel.
9. Open the 50 letters he's gotten from Ed McMahon.
8. Brush up on wives' names.
7. Patch up damaged felt on bumper-pool table.
6. Drive around Kuwait City yelling, "How'm I doing?" at pedestrians.
5. Replace zoo animals eaten by Iraqi army breakfast club.
4. Sit back, take a couple Sudafed, and don't worry about a thing.
3. Go down to Hallmark shop to get nice card for George Bush reading,
"Thanks for saving my ass."
2. One word: Ajax.
1. Just be the best damn Emir he's capable of being!
Top 10 Amish Spring Break Activities - March 15, 1991
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet contest.
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk kegger.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
5. Get tattoo: "Born to Raise Barns."
4. Cruise streets of Ft. Lauderdale shouting insults at people with
zippers.
3. Sleep in 'til 6 a.m.
2. Drive over to Mennonite country and kick ass.
1. Churning butter naked.
Top 10 Pet Peeves of Guys Who Manage Big & Tall Men's Stores - March
19, 1991
10. Fat guys who get their inseam measured a couple of times and then
don't buy anything.
9. When a size 54 doesn't close the dressing room curtain.
8. When Roger Ebert tries to return old bathing suits.
7. Annoying "thwack" sound when customer walks into ceiling fan.
6. Never get to meet Jake. Only get to meet the Fat Man.
5. It's "Big & Tall Men's Store Managers Day" at the ball park -- and
you have to work.
4. When a big and tall guy gets wedged in door frame and you have to
call the fire department.
3. Willard.
2. While fitting a fat guy on your lunch hour, he asks if you're
going to finish that sandwich.
1. Two words: broken chairs.
Top 10 Least Popular Pay-Per-View Specials - March 21, 1991
10. All-American Rasping Cough-Off
9. Magician Doug Henning Gets His Teeth Cleaned
8. An Evening with a Guy Who Kind of Looks Like Frank Sinatra
7. White NBA Players' All-Star Game
6. Raymond Burr's Night of 100 Pants
5. Texas Rangers Batting Practice
4. Live from the Arctic Circle: It's a Big Melting Iceberg
3. Whittle-mania!
2. The-Time-To-Make-the-Donuts Guy: Up Close and Personal
1. The Liver Capades
Top 10 Signs of Spring in New York City - March 22, 1991
10. Crack dens take down storm windows.
9. Dramatic increase in number of murders committed with gardening
equipment.
8. First robin of spring spotted in mouth of guy on D train.
7. Lovely pastel colors used for chalk body outlines.
6. Guys who usually take leaks in subway now take leaks on street.
5. Yankees mathematically eliminated from American League pennant
race.
4. Tourists return for trial of guy who assaulted them last
Christmas.
3. Garbage collectors start going topless.
2. Dog-sized rat emerges from subway and sees his shadow.
1. Strangers begin moving into my house.
Top 10 Slogans for the World League of American Football - March 26,
1991
10. All our players have day jobs!
9. From the makers of "Cop Rock."
8. You might see some snotty European break something!
7. Tired of watching overpaid, well-known, highly gifted athletes?
6. C'mon! We're trying to get enough people together for a wave!
5. If you half-close your eyes, it sort of looks like arena football.
4. We're trying to get Paul Shaffer for a halftime show.
3. You can't spell "waffle" without W-L-A-F.
2. Because when somebody says "Barcelona," "London," or "Frankfurt"
-- you think football!
1. No Steinbrenner!
Top 10 Things Norman Schwarzkopf Has To Do To Get a Fifth Star - March
27, 1991
10. Sell more cookies than anyone else in his unit.
9. During his next "20/20" interview, punch Hugh Downs.
8. Have friend make gun and bomb noises every time he calls Bush so
it'll seem like he's still fighting really hard.
7. Hope that somehow Pizza Hut has a promotion: "Eat five pizzas --
get a fifth U. S. General Star free!"
6. Capture LAPD Chief Gates.
5. Beat Sgt. Slaughter in best 2 out of 3 falls in "Wrestlemania."
4. Somehow fix it so White House gets free HBO.
3. Hope and pray Bob Guccione doesn't print nude photos.
2. Do at least a halfway-decent job on the parallel parking part of
the test.
1. Do some five-star butt kissing.
Top 10 Rejected Names for Kentucky Fried Chicken - March 29, 1991
10. Lifeless Bird Lumps
9. KFC & CPR
8. Hot Oily Hens
7. Greaseland
6. The You're-A-Little-Too-Late Petting Zoo
5. Heart Attack Helper
4. Jiffy Lube (already taken)
3. Home of the Soggy Grease-Stained Bucket o' Fun
2. Food, Folks, and Fat
1. Artery Busters
Top 10 April Fools Day Jokes in New York City - April 2, 1991
10. Super-glue automatic weapon to curb and watch passersby try to
pick it up.
9. Put fake vomit on sidewalk right next to real vomit.
8. Suicide hotline puts you on hold while playing Van Halen's "Jump!"
7. Hold Wisconsin couple at gunpoint; demand their money and jewelry
-- then give them back their jewelry.
6. Add tail to chalk body outlines.
5. Screaming, "The stock market is down!" and tossing life-size dummy
off building.
4. Instead of Miranda warning, cops say, "You have the right to
commit crimes."
3. Putting "kick me" sign on guy's back before you throw him in East
River.
2. Cab drivers speak perfect English.
1. Crack dens replace regular crack with Folgers Crystals.
Top 10 Umpire Complaints - April 3, 1991
10. Having to carpool with team mascot.
9. Line-up card from Don Zimmer always smeared with spaghetti sauce.
8. When a manager who's yelling right in your face suddenly kisses
you.
7. Have to use glass-bottom shower over concession stand.
6. When they show your wife in bed with some other guy on
Diamondvision.
5. Players who ask if you would scratch them.
4. All those empty Slim-Fast containers around Dodger dugout.
3. When San Diego Chicken steals your street clothes and sets them on
fire during his pre-game dance.
2. In most states "killing the umpire" only a class B misdemeanor.
1. Squat burns.
Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different If Everyone Was Named Phil -
April 4, 1991
10. Almost impossible to get personal license plate "PHIL."
9. Ben & Jerry's ice cream now called Phil & Phil's.
8. Expectant parents could be heard saying "Phil if it's a boy and
Phil if it's a girl."
7. When caller to Donahue show said "Phil?" everyone in audience
would reply "Yes?"
6. 007 fans look forward to classic line, "Bond. Phil Bond."
5. Instead of screaming, "Watch where you're going, you stupid
bastard!" New Yorkers would scream, "Watch where you're going, Phil,
you stupid bastard!"
4. Some woman named Phil would keep breaking into my house.
3. Teenage pranksters would call airport and have them page "Phil
Hertz."
2. Wouldn't have to look in TV Guide to see who's on the "Tonight
Show."
1. Most popular Beatle? Phil.
Top 10 Ways To Tell You're Possessed - April 5, 1991
10. You feel stuffed, even after a light dinner.
9. Your voice sounds more and more like Bea Arthur.
8. You run around your Palm Beach house wearing nothing but a
T-shirt.
7. You ask barber to cut hair a little more like Hitler's.
6. You find yourself wondering what sex with Cher would be like.
5. You don't have to use rearview mirror to look at the cars behind
you.
4. You're a former cast member of "Diff'rent Strokes."
3. You're convinced you can make decorations out of orange peels.
2. You become Vice President of the United States even though you are
a total boob.
1. When "Father Dowling" comes on your eyes start to sting.
Top 10 Signs That Your Wife Is Seeing Frank Sinatra - April 9, 1991
10. She replaces the Paul Newman spaghetti sauce with the Frank
Sinatra spaghetti sauce.
9. She insists on doing all the grocery shopping in Las Vegas.
8. Always leans on horn when she sees "Honk if you've slept with
Sinatra" bumper sticker.
7. She starts praising the songwriting genius of Mr. Jimmy van
Huesen.
6. Her rival in the PTA suddenly washes up in reservoir.
5. You turn on "Entertainment Tonight" and see Sinatra wearing your
pajamas.
4. Always saying to your son, "Why can't you be more like that nice
Frank Sinatra, Jr.?"
3. She's laughing just a little too hard at this list.
2. People who owe her money for Tupperware suddenly begin paying up.
1. She comes home smelling like a sweaty tuxedo.
Top 10 Shocking Revelations in Kitty Kelly's Biography of Dave Thomas,
Founder of Wendy's - April 10, 1991
10. Also had White House affair with Nancy Reagan.
9. Once ate a Wendy's double cheeseburger off a hooker's chest.
8. Anyone who opposes him could wake up to find a greasy hamburger
patty in their bed.
7. Little girl who was original Wendy in logo now a grown-up cocktail
waitress in a Houston strip joint.
6. Once called John Gotti to ask how much it would cost to "take care
of Ronald McDonald."
5. Would drop pants at board meetings whenever someone said, "Where's
the beef?"
4. Claims Prince's song "Raspberry Beret" is actually about him.
3. Pulls up to Burger King drive-thru intercom, orders 500 burgers,
then backs out.
2. Once shot out TV set when Col. Sanders came on.
1. Enjoys leaning against shake machine because it vibrates so much.
Top 10 Post-Mission Maintenance Chores on the Space Shuttle - April
11, 1991
10. Return seats to upright position.
9. Vacuum up Tang on carpet.
8. Reset coordinates on death ray so people don't know it was pointed
at Rex Reed's house.
7. Throw away old ketchup packets in glove compartment.
6. Take shuttle to street corner in lower Manhattan to get windshield
squeegeed.
5. Get roadies to unload amps and drum kit.
4. Hose down area where they had zero-gravity pie-eating contest.
3. Scrape off strange pulsing pod-like thing that attached self to
wing. Toss in trash. Forget about it.
2. Pull twin beds apart.
1. Fill up tank and record mileage. Please leave key in shuttle.
Top 10 Most Common New York City Health Code Violations - April 12,
1991
10. Hot dogs kept warm in street vendor's pants.
9. Rat in rice canister not wearing a hair net.
8. Dishwasher replaced by Saint Bernard who laps plates clean.
7. Tank of live lobsters with wet hacking coughs.
6. Kitchen full of shirtless fat guys soothing sunburns with raw veal.
5. Fry cook not washing hands after strangling somebody.
4. Raymond Burr's swimming trunks found in kettle of corn chowder.
3. French onion soup thickened with Vaseline.
2. Al Sharpton's hot tub.
1. So-called "Sidewalk Pate."
Top 10 Slogans for the New McLean Burger - April 23, 1991
10. Now it takes twice as long to clog your arteries.
9. Not only secret sauce -- secret meat!
8. Developed after Mayor McCheese's double by-pass.
7. Almost as tasty as those green shakes we sell around St. Patrick's Day.
6. OK. The McNuggets suck. But these are good! Really!
5. Why not spend the day chewing?
4. Consult your physician if dizziness occurs.
3. Eat me.
2. If this was around in 1965, Elvis would be alive today.
1. Give it a try, fat boy.
Announcer Bill Wendell's Top 10 Favorite Words To Pronounce - April
24, 1991
10. Rotisserie
9. Diphtheria
8. Sununu
7. Thick-a-licious
6. Yank
5. Wolverine
4. Fahrvergnugen
3. Mellencamp
2. Ringworm
1. Weiner
Top 10 Good Things about Ted Kennedy - April 26, 1991
10. Not the kind of person who snobbishly insists on wearing pants.
9. Holds high score on Pac-Man machine at Au Bar.
8. Does hilarious imitation of that Pepperidge Farm guy.
7. Cried when Gary character died on "thirtysomething".
6. Ate his own weight in McRibs before limited time offer expired.
5. Doesn't hog the Nordic Track.
4. *
3. Does a great job as San Diego Chicken.
2. Proof you can become a U. S. Senator even though your family has
hundreds of millions of dollars.
1. Every time he gets away with something, it drives Nixon nuts.
* Still waiting to hear from Palm Beach police.
Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Birthday Activities - April 30, 1991
10. Pose for snapshots with moustache-shaped cake.
9. Admire trophy from staff inscribed, "World's Greatest Dictator."
8. Get photos of visit to Kuwait back from Fotomat.
7. Get birthday wish from fat weather guy on Iraqi Today Show.
6. Strip-o-Gram from Khadafy where girl takes off veil only.
5. Go to T.G.I.Friday's; show drivers license; get free order of
buffalo wings.
4. Suck helium out of balloons; issue execution orders in high
squeaky voice.
3. Shower (odd birthdays only).
2. Hide in bunker in case U. S. Air Force decides to give him another
"surprise party."
1. Take off pants; pretend he's Ted Kennedy.
Al Sharpton's Top 10 Travel Tips - May 1, 1991
10. To avoid overweight charges for luggage, wear as many of your
medallions as possible.
9. Don't forget the electrical adapter for your blow dryer.
8. All foreign food is good if you bring your own gravy.
7. Before making reservations, make sure hotel has fat guy suite.
6. If hair pomade is not available in Far East, duck sauce will work.
5. March on Buckingham Palace to protest fact that there hasn't been
a black king in years.
4. When in Venice, have them load up front end of gondola with sacks
of peat moss to balance you out.
3. If the Pope tries wearing some big medallion, go ahead and wear two.
2. Be careful: in some countries, being loud and obnoxious is
considered rude.
1. Trust me: one jogging suit is all you'll need.
Top 10 Serial Killer Pet Peeves - May 2, 1991
10. Police composite sketches that make you look 10 years older than
you really are.
9. Hefty bags that leak.
8. When you're hoping for a cool nickname like "Zodiac" or "Midnight
Madman" and media gives you nickname "Tubby."
7. Crummy Ginsu knives they sell on TV that claim to stay sharp
forever.
6. When really expensive "night vision goggles" turn out to be just
a scuba mask with red cellophane taped over glass.
5. When you're a really neat serial killer and you have to move in
with a really messy serial killer.
4. It's always some neighbor you barely knew who ends up yapping on
the news about you being "a troubled loner."
3. Rarely have "Serial Killer Day" at the ballpark.
2. When you finally meet somebody you like, you always end up killing
them.
1. Movie "Silence of the Lambs" not as funny as the book.
Top 10 Ways NBC News Can Save Money - May 3, 1991
10. Make stuff up.
9. Somehow incorporate news items into "Cosby Show."
8. Sneak in plugs like: "The shuttle's reentry was as smooth as a
nice cold Bud."
7. Stop buying G.E. bulbs and get some that don't burn out so fast.
6. Four words: Arthur Kent kissing booth.
5. Sell old reruns to Arts & Entertainment Cable Network.
4. Limit coverage to things that happen in the building.
3. Fire Dr. Art Ulene.
2. Water down the ketchup.
1. Every night have Brokaw turn on portable TV and say, "Shall we
watch the CBS news together?"
Top 10 Ways Quayle Can Build Up Public Confidence - May 7, 1991
10. Borrow those fake glasses Stallone wears to look smarter.
9. Have his Dad give everybody five bucks.
8. Think of snappy comeback to that "You're no John F. Kennedy"
zinger.
7. All speeches lip-synched to voice of James Earl Jones.
6. Go on "American Gladiators" and kick ass in the Atlasphere.
5. Do that trick where it looks like you're pulling off part of your
thumb but you're really moving other thumb.
4. Appear before Subcommittee on Multiplication Tables.
3. Announce with quiet determination that he's leaving politics.
2. Get Bush to stop wearing "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.
1. Win "Vice-Presidents Week" on Jeopardy.
Top 10 Rejected Medical Treatments for the President - May 8, 1991
10. Atomic chest punch delivered by Hulk Hogan.
9. A delicious shake for breakfast, another for lunch, and a sensible
dinner.
8. Have Merlin Olsen deliver special FTD "Heart Started" bouquet.
7. Transplant his brain into body of a healthy house cat.
6. Tell him "Late Night" booked Kamaar!
5. Sandra Day O'Connor's famous split pea soup.
4. A good swift kick in the ass.
3. Shrink down George Kennedy to microscopic size, inject into
bloodstream, let him do what he can.
2. Vicks Vap-o-Rub.
1. Sununu naked.
Top 10 Keebler Elf Euphemisms for Death - May 9, 1991
10. Bit the big morsel
9. Failed his freshness test
8. On the cooling rack
7. Bought the Pepperidge Farm
6. Gone to aisle three
5. Creamy casket filling
4. Owl bait
3. Super-fudge-a-riffically-dead
2. Overbaked
1. Somebody get the mini-vac!
John Sununu's Top 10 Other Ethics Violations - May 10, 1991
10. Used nuclear sub Ticonderoga to pick up carton of Luckies from
Nantucket 7-Eleven.
9. Used CIA technology to be 104th caller and win party weekend with Tesla.
8. Altered drivers license to John "Sunoco" and tried to get free gas.
7. Borrowed Fonzie's jacket from Smithsonian for Halloween party.
6. Appeared on "20/20" claiming to be Buckwheat.
5. Had presidential helicopter fly low over yard and trim his hedges.
4. Had Quayle wash his car.
3. Sneaking down to warehouse to eat government cheese.
2. Midnight lap parties at the Lincoln Memorial.
1. Acting weaselly in general.
Top 10 Duties of the Queen - May 14, 1991
10. Gets to throw first punch at British soccer riots.
9. Appears in TV ads for London Radio Shacks.
8. Put on big furry hillbilly bear costume and greet visitors to
Buckingham Palace.
7. Feed the royal monkees.
6. Play local disc jockeys in donkey basketball games for charity.
5. Represent the United Kingdom among the Gorgeous Ladies of
Wrestling.
4. Make Prince Andrew stop wearing T-shirt that says, "Wanna see the
Royal Jewels?"
3. Must chase, kill, and consume barn rats.
2. Kick the Queen of Sweden's ass in croquet.
1. Tip like a big shot.
Top 10 Revelations in the New Madonna Movie - May 15, 1991
10. Was kicked out of "Up with People" for grabbing herself during
half-time show.
9. Flies to concerts on military aircraft at taxpayers' expense.
8. Her marriage to Sean Penn may be in trouble.
7. Can do this thing where she stops an electric car window with her head.
6. Metal brassiere handy for opening long-neck buds.
5. Fire marshall once closed down her bedroom for overcrowding.
4. Opening act on the Blonde Ambition tour: Carol Gold from Ontario
Science Center.
3. Warren Beatty is only 4' 10".
2. She's actually a painfully shy recluse who will do anything to
avoid attention.
1. She once slept with Nancy Reagan.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Ballpark Last Night - May 16, 1991
10. I'm sorry, your Majesty, you're not allowed to bring coolers into
the stadium.
9. Look! She's trying to get the wave started again!
8. Don't worry. Beer won't stain ermine.
7. Hey Queen! Will you autograph my stomach?
6. Where's Quayle with the nachos?
5. What excitement! Our first ballgame! And tomorrow -- Motorhead
on Letterman!
4. Hey! Your Majesty! You want to pass me my change?
3. For a small woman, you sure can hold a lot of beer.
2. I don't care if you're the Queen of England -- you're sitting in my seat!
1. Oooh! That foul tip bent her tiara!
Top 10 Least Popular L. L. Bean Catalog Items - May 17, 1991
10. The Al Sharpton compass medallion.
9. The used Ace bandage hammock.
8. NASA's Hubble binoculars.
7. Fake bear vomit for laughs on camping trips.
6. Freeze-dried gristle.
5. The catheter-equipped waders.
4. The Ted Kennedy suit (pants no included).
3. L. L. Bean portable suicide machine-in-a-backpack.
2. Goose down condoms.
1. The super-slippery axe.
Top 10 Research Projects at Clown College - May 21, 1991
10. The correlation of exploding cigars and facial abrasions.
9. Seltzer vs. soda water: which is funnier?
8. Anti-gravity hair.
7. Reducing carpool costs by traveling 28 to a car.
6. Big shoes that are resistant to elephant manure.
5. Can a cream pie's cholesterol be absorbed through the facial skin?
4. The Hubble telescope.
3. Why chicks dig clowns.
2. Prehistoric forerunners of the rubber weenie.
1. Should steroids for the feet be banned?
Top 10 Other Approved Exercises for Bush - May 22, 1991
10. Bench-pressing Sununu's expense reports.
9. Air guitar.
8. Doing the hula to Neil Diamond records.
7. Running to top of Capitol steps then jumping up and down like Rocky.
6. Joining Secret Service in game of keep-away with Quayle's hat.
5. Looking for leftover Easter eggs on White House lawn.
4. Crushing beer cans against his forehead.
3. Exercise the ol' pocket veto, if you know what I mean.
2. Sweatin' to the oldies.
1. Bar hopping with Ted Kennedy.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the NBC Affiliate Convention - May 23, 1991
10. If Willard goes insane on the air, do we get our money back?
9. What we need is a show with some singing cops.
8. Mmmmm! I love grilled peacock!
7. I can't wait to meet that kid from "The Simpsons"!
6. I'm sorry, Miss Norville. I just don't need any Tupperware.
5. Under each of your seats you will find a bag containing candy and
small amusements. Please enjoy them.
4. Look at the line for the Arthur Kent kissing booth!
3. Forget the fall season! The whores are here!
2. Who's going to break the bad news to Letterman?
1. Please Mr. Brokaw -- put on some pants!
Ted Kennedy's Top 10 Party Tips - May 24, 1991
10. Having a son or nephew around is a great ice-breaker with the
younger babes.
9. Flaming tumblers of Sambuca keep away gnats.
8. Pretending to lose a contact lens is a terrific way to look up
skirts.
7. Make sure cocktail napkins have liability waiver on back.
6. Wake up the kids after midnight for Jello shots.
5. Mix Chivas and Slim-Fast: get drunk and lose weight.
4. Two words: Wang Chung.
3. Invite Supreme Court Justice David Souter -- that guy is a party
nut job!
2. Billy Dee Williams was right: Colt 45.
1. Take off pants. Mingle.
Vanilla Ice's Top 10 Excuses - June 4, 1991
10. Upset after street vendor called him "Italian Ice."
9. Emotionally unstable since cancellation of "thirtysomething."
8. Thought guy was going to muss up his hair.
7. Just holding on to gun for Ike Turner till he gets out of prison.
6. In emergency situation, reflexively thought, "What would Bernhard
Goetz do?"
5. Felt he had not yet pushed the outer boundaries of human stupidity
far enough.
4. Vendor had dissed Ice's main man Hugh Downs.
3. Prozac.
2. Didn't have a gun; was just happy to see him.
1. Wanted to meet kids from "Diff'rent Strokes."
Top 10 Highlights of the C. Everett Koop Show - June 5, 1991
10. When the ridiculous fake beard started to fall off.
9. John Sununu trying to do a sit-up.
8. Birth control demonstration with Super Dave Osborne.
7. Surprise walk-on by Bob Hope during heart transplant operation.
6. Tips on having safe sex with a Kennedy.
5. The Claymation dancing liver spots.
4. This really funny comedy piece called "A Day in the Life of the NBA."
3. The way he kept grabbing his crotch like Madonna.
2. Sixty incoherent seconds with a malaria-crazed Andy Rooney.
1. Magic trick where he pulled a live dove out of his beard.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Congressional Picnic - June 6, 1991
10. "Sununu looks good in those bicycle pants."
9. "Just go behind the monument."
8. "More Cheez Whiz, Congressman?"
7. "I'm a member of the House of Representatives. Stop calling me
'Gopher'!"
6. "No, Mr. Vice-President. You don't put the potato sack on your head."
5. "Isn't that Barney Frank and Bob Dole -- slow dancing?"
4. "Strom Thurmond has fallen and he can't get up!"
3. "Mrs. Bush just finished her 100th devilled egg!"
2. "Put your pants on, Mr. Kennedy."
1. "Could I have another taxpayer-subsidized burger?"
Top 10 Rejected Prom Themes - June 7, 1991
10. Let's Pretend We All Have Bright Futures
9. A Night at the Hair Club for Men
8. America's Most Wanted
7. Rise Up and Kill the Popular Kids
6. Children of the Damned
5. Sorry I Made You Pregnant
4. An Evening in Willie Nelson's Laundry Hamper
3. Come as Your Gay English Teacher
2. We Shall not Pass this Way Again -- Except for Our Really
depressing Reunion in 10 Years
1. 'Faced!
Top 10 Ways the Lakers Could Still Win the Series - June 11, 1991
10. No more snacks between baskets.
9. Persuade Worthy to play just one quarter without a cigarette.
8. Go back in time by dribbling around the equator at light speed.
7. Give Lakers extra points for names like Magic and Vlade.
6. Wear uniforms made of mirrors to screw with their minds.
5. Have Jack Nicholson make movie about game; rewrite ending.
4. Spend more time at home loving their families (contributed by the
Church of Latter Day Saints).
3. Michael Jordan replaced by French actor Louis Jourdan.
2. Weep openly when fouled.
1. Let some L.A. policemen "play" a quarter.
Top 10 Least Popular New York City Street Vendors - June 12, 1991
10. Deep-fried sewer bass
9. Calamari-flavored Italian ice
8. Hair Club for Men emergency glue booth
7. Stunned mouse in a Dixie cup
6. Speedee skin graft
5. Your photo taken with cardboard cut-out of Federal Reserve Board
chairman Alan Greenspan
4. Fingerless Frank's mystery tacos
3. Old-fashioned lint cakes
2. Piping hot fried dough plus a whack with a hammer
1. Honey-roasted ticks
Jim's Top 10 Names for His New Hat Store - June 13, 1991
10. Jim's Brims
9. Jimbo's Lid City
8. Admiral Jim's Hats Ahoy!
7. The Jim'o'shantery
6. Crazy Jimmy's Hats for Insanely Low Prices
5. Jim's Bulletproof/Knifeproof/Spitproof Hats (New York City only)
4. Jim, Your Hat Smells Terrific!
3. Wally's Hat Shop (under new management)
2. If You Don't Want a Hat, Then Screw You
1. Colonel Jim's Kentucky Fried Hats
Top 10 Effects of the Solar Flare - June 14, 1991
10. Tom Brokaw does Nightly News with thick Italian accent.
9. Grocery bag boys suffer incontinence.
8. Plate in my head starts getting warm.
7. New York City cab drivers speak perfect English.
6. Really bad NBC TV movie: "Solar Flare 2000."
5. Audis shift into reverse without warning.
4. Top 10 lists no longer seem funny.
3. Don King's hair: no effect.
2. Representatives from other television networks start phoning.
1. GE lightbulbs burning out faster than usual.
Top 10 Surprises in the Zachary Taylor Autopsy - June 18, 1991
10. Had bottle caps and license plate in his stomach.
9. Wearing green blazer from PGA Masters tournament.
8. Pockets stuffed with little soaps you get free from motels.
7. Coffin contained perfectly preserved package of Velveeta.
6. Let's just say Mrs. Taylor was a very lucky woman.
5. Used Crest -- but not new Crest with tartar-control gel.
4. Currently has better memory than Reagan.
3. He's not dead!
2. There's some cocktail waitress in there with him.
1. His nails are still salon perfect.
Top 10 Cool Things About Yeltsin - June 20, 1991
10. Once won air guitar contest at Moscow Houlihan's.
9. Brews his own potato beer in a bucket in the attic.
8. Knows where Gorbachev is really ticklish.
7. Speaks some kind of funny Moon-man language.
6. Cracks up Politburo by putting on leather jacket and doing his
Boris "Dice" Yeltsin routine.
5. On a bet, once ate 10,000 M&M's.
4. "Yeltsin" is Russian word for "retsin."
3. Moonlights in Mayor McCheese costume at Red Square McDonalds.
2. The rocket-powered Yeltsinmobile.
1. Can drink Ted Kennedy under the table.
Top 10 Things Overheard in Line for "Kickboxer II" - June 20, 1991
10. "I hear there's lots of kickboxing in this one."
9. "If you didn't see part one, you won't be able to follow it."
8. "It's a lot like 'Star Wars' -- only it doesn't take place in
space and there's a lot more kicking."
7. "Do me a favor and kick me a couple times to get me in the mood."
6. "Excuse me, Mrs. Onassis -- but could you quit shoving?"
5. "I'll bet Julia Roberts broke up with Kiefer Sutherland 'cause he
couldn't kickbox."
4. "So after I knocked over the vase and flowers, my Mom said, 'No
more kickboxing.' "
3. "Aaieee! Killer bees!"
2. "Do you think Kickboxer could beat Terminator?"
1. "It's the best movie ever made about people kicking each other."
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Funeral Director - June 21, 1991
10. He's wearing a paper trainee hat.
9. Hawaiian punch used for embalming fluid.
8. Hearse has Dominos logo on side; on way to cemetery they drop off
a couple of pizzas.
7. Tells you, "I can't help this man. He's dead."
6. Asks if you want cremation to be original or crispy.
5. Offers "Al Sharpton Special" where body is dressed up in jogging
suit and medallion.
4. Gives you business card for his second-hand eyeglass and denture shop.
3. He tells bereaved, "I'm pretty sure your uncle's in hell by now."
2. Two days after the funeral you see the deceased alive again doing
yard work for the funeral director.
1. Replaces ashes of loved one with Folgers crystals.
Top 10 Signs Sununu Is About To Be Fired - June 25, 1991
10. His desk has been moved out by the dumpster.
9. Only presidential meetings he can get is with Zachary Taylor.
8. White House paper boy asked if he could get his Christmas tip early.
7. "I'm with Sununu" T-shirts removed from gift shop.
6. During meeting, Bush says, "I thought we fired your ass."
5. When introduced, Yeltsin said, "You the guy they're losing?"
4. In 1560, Nostradamus wrote, "A fat guy with a funny name will fly
free and get fired."
3. Jack Kemp said he could get him a tryout with the World League of
American Football.
2. Asked to appear on Donahue show about chiefs-of-staff who've been
fired.
1. Even Quayle won't give him the time of day.
Top 10 Other Things that Will Add Four Months to Your Life - June 26, 1991
10. Put suicide machine in reverse.
9. Not giving the finger to Mr. Gotti's limo after he cuts you off.
8. Dot your I's with a smiley face.
7. After Thanksgiving dinner, loosen belt and fall asleep in easy chair.
6. If you smoke, don't inhale; if you inhale, don't exhale.
5. Being able to outrun the LAPD.
4. Set yourself a goal: "I'm going to live four months longer than I
normally would." Stick to it.
3. MCI instead of AT&T.
2. Break into drug store and eat all the medicine.
1. New Crack-lite!
Top 10 Least Popular Boy Scout Merit Badges - June 27, 1991
10. Spit craft
9. Sitting in fire
8. Judy Garland lore
7. Throat clearing
6. Shallow grave maintenance
5. Afternoon with Linda Lavin
4. Trouser tenting
3. Gatlin brother identification
2. Heimliching squirrels
1. Choreography
Top 10 Things Left Off the Original Declaration of Independence - June
28, 1991
10. Request that the British keep New Jersey.
9. P.S. from John Hancock: "Have a bitchin' summer!"
8. Gratuitous reference to King George as "wig-wearing crumpet monkey."
7. Statement: Goodbye fish and chips. Hello Colonel Sanders.
6. Gag signature of "Sonny Bono."
5. National mascot shall be the San Diego Chicken.
4. Promise to paint any car for $99.95.
3. Demand for more rock, less talk.
2. To show there's no hard feelings, find enclosed a package of maple candy.
1. Inalienable right to the pursuit of life, liberty, and leggy super models.
Top 10 Canadian Nicknames for Americans - July 9, 1991
10. Skinny bacon lovers
9. Willard-watchers
8. Continent hogs
7. Unmounties
6. Surfboard-riding goofballs
5. Individually wrapped cheese slice junkies
4. Upper Mexicans
3. Pizza-gorged convertible jockeys
2. Star-spangled sissy boys
1. Sununus
Top 10 Little-Known Facts About Clarence Thomas - July 10, 1991
10. Has two first names.
9. Once reprimanded for using gavel to tenderize veal.
8. Sees appointment to Supreme Court as stepping stone to meeting Paula Abdul.
7. Sent man to jail in 1985 for eating pudding with a straw.
6. Once while handing down a verdict, coined the phrase, "rat's ass."
5. Wrestles under name of "The Georgia Cyclone."
4. His legal writings make frequent reference to special episodes of "Kate &
Allie."
3. Has named his nine poodles after Supreme Court justices.
2. Designs his own robes.
1. Loves Jacoby; hates Myers.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top 10 Rejected Movie Lines - July 11, 1991
10. "My, what a lovely lace doily!"
9. "Oww! A papercut!"
8. "Man-oh-man, do I love fudge!"
7. "When I think about you, I touch myself."
6. "Do you have any of those 'ouch-less' Band-Aids?"
5. "Can you please open this jar of olives for me?"
4. "Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard!"
3. "Can you just let me keep my credit cards?"
2. "Help me, Letterman, help me!"
1. "Who else loves show tunes?"
Top 10 Other Mary Hart Side Effects - July 12, 1991
10. Hair-do interferes with satellite communications.
9. Giggle induces skin rash in laboratory rats.
8. Rapid blinking causes Roger Ebert to give a thumbs-up when he meant to
give a thumbs-down.
7. Her hiccups get owls "hot."
6. Every time she changes her oil, the Cleveland Indians win.
5. Close proximity causes dopey grin (John Tesh only).
4. Laughter causes McDLT hot side to become cold; cold side to become hot.
3. Her Las Vegas show provokes sudden urge to get your money back.
2. That volcano in the Philippines.
1. Perfume sets off smoke alarms.
Top 10 Signs You're a Dumb Guy - July 16, 1991
10. Inability to predict upcoming traffic light color.
9. Subsist entirely on diet of accidentally swallowed gum.
8. Have to call electrician every morning to turn off alarm clock.
7. You're positive you can run 55 mph simply by drinking gasoline.
6. All your friends looked over at you when I announced the topic.
5. People wearing "I'm with stupid" T-shirts are always asking if then can walk
beside you.
4. You get a letter saying you've been approved for a VISA/Dumb Guy card.
3. Childlike certainty you won't be dropped from the ticket in '92.
2. Every time someone tells a knock-knock joke, you get up to answer the door.
1. Gladly pay a lot for a muffler.
Top 10 Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If Evel Knievel Were President - July
17, 1991
10. Nation's interstate system would include regularly spaced jump ramps.
9. Giant flame decals added to side of Air Force One.
8. More fatalities at annual Easter egg hunt.
7. Court packed with judges favoring 270 mph speed limit.
6. Secretary of state would wear special suit to greet diplomats while on fire.
5. Son Robbie Knievel would be screwing up S&L industry.
4. While jumpsuit <ib>de rigeur<ie> at state dinners.
3. Quayle would still be Vice-President -- but his kids would take him
seriously.
2. Americans closer to dream of seeing guy jump over his own face on
Mt. Rushmore.
1. More babies named Evel.
Top 10 Reasons the Senate Needs a Raise - July 18, 1991
10. Now with C-Span, have to wear pants.
9. Soviets not shelling out for classified stuff like they used to.
8. Fees just doubled at the Hair Club for Men.
7. They all bought shares in Neil Bush's "sure thing."
6. No more money to be made selling drugs to Marion Barry.
5. Disappointed in sales of "Senate Cola."
4. "Bikini Open" only available on Pay-Per-View.
3. Much of current income squandered on gum and flashlight batteries.
2. New three drink minimum at Au Bar.
1. Income from bribes not keeping pace with cost of hookers.
Top 10 Ways New York Adjusts to a Heat Wave - July 19, 1991
10. Hot dog vendors dab sweat from forehead with open bun.
9. Ordinarily touchy and irritable New Yorkers now really touchy and
irritable.
8. To prevent dehydration, citizens shoplifting plenty of fluids.
7. Crazy people begin conversations with themselves by talking about now
hot it is.
6. Guy on subway with mouthful of ice cubes will blow on you for a buck.
5. Arsonists take week off to set fires at seashore.
4. City pumps a little more air-conditioning into clean, efficient monorail
system.
3. "I was hot" becomes legally acceptable defense for murder.
2. Chefs place cool salmon fillets on their backs.
1. Convertibles for drive-by shootings.
Top 10 Things Overheard at Rose Kennedy's 101st Birthday - July 23, 1991
10. "Willard didn't mention me. Have him killed."
9. "Maria, can you ask Terminator-boy to open this jar of pickles?"
8. "Hope you like it. It's called a flowbie."
7. "Quiet down, everybody! It's time to welcome comedy superstar Howie
Mandel!"
6. "Anybody seen Ted's pants?"
5. "How nice! Another crisp new $5 bill!"
4. "The Chippendale dancers have asked that she keep her hands off them."
3. "Who gave her all the dalmatians?"
2. "The Chivas truck is here!"
1. "And she's still just as sharp as Ronald Reagan!"
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Motel - July 24, 1991
10. Sheets are warm when you check in.
9. When you sign register they ask, "Anyone know you're here?"
8. Instead of "Sanitized for Your Protection," paper band on toilet says
"Good Luck."
7. Drinking glass is wrapped in a sock.
6. On the pay-per-view porno channel you recognize motel staff.
5. All night long people knock on your door claiming to have an appointment
with someone named Donna.
4. Clerk asks, "You folks mind dragonflies?"
3. Instead of a wake-up call, they give you a wake-up slap.
2. When you ask manager about Magic Fingers he says, "You're looking at 'em."
1. Teeth marks in the soap.
Top 10 Least Popular Cruises - July 26, 1991
10. Lake Shasta Fishing Charter
9. Captain Hazelwood's Reef Safari
8. Richard Simmons' Sweatin' Round the Equator
7. The Guy-from-Milwaukee-Who-Chops-People-Up-and-Puts-Them-in-a-Freezer Fun
Ship
6. Saddam's Goat Boat
5. Submarine under the Polar Ice Cap with Rip Taylor
4. The Carnival People Cruise Line
3. The Staten Island Ferry
2. Love Boat Junket to the Kennedy Compound
1. The S.S. Metal Fatigue
Top 10 Signs the Royal Marriage Is in Trouble - July 30, 1991
10. He's never in the mood to let the kids play with his ears anymore.
9. Palace dwarf seen with long mopey face like he'd just been crying.
8. Late night visits to Di's room from Sinatra.
7. Charles has moved in with college pal Oscar Madison.
6. She's always on phone with Jacoby; he's always on phone with Myers.
5. In recent tiff with mother-in-law, Di yelled, "Who died and made you
queen?"
4. Cake at anniversary party read: "To Charles & Diana on your 10th and final
year together."
3. Haven't played "polish the scepter" in months.
2. They scream at each other like professional wrestlers.
1. She's always griping: "Why don't you get a real job?"
Top 10 Acts not Good Enough for Circus of the Stars - July 31, 1991
10. Jake shoots the Fat Man out of a cannon.
9. Sean Young as Catwoman.
8. Joanne Worley consumes a lit cigar.
7. Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Calliope.
6. Mary Hart gives bearded lady a fit with her voice.
5. Hugh Downs takes a nap.
4. That guy in Milwaukee dismembers two dozen clowns and stuffs them into
one tiny car.
3. David Letterman's hair.
2. Doug Henning gargling.
1. Siskel puts head into Ebert's mouth.
Top 10 Ways To Get a GE Executive Angry - August 1, 1991
10. Change the channel during wrestling.
9. Replace quality Sylvania bulbs in his office with GE bulbs.
8. Correct his grammar when he says, "We don't got no time for safety testing."
7. Knock loudly on his office door during nap-time.
6. Tell him the truth about Pee-Wee.
5. Call him up in middle of the night and ask, "How the heck does electricity
work anyway?"
4. Reveal ending to "Problem Child II."
3. Ask to see his high school diploma.
2. Tell him there's no such thing as "trouser pixies."
1. Replace them all with a single malnourished monkey.
Top 10 Legal Holidays in Hell - August 2, 1991
10. Feast of St. Steinbrenner
9. Hug-a-Lawyer Day
8. Evil Groundhog Day
7. Birthday of the Guy Who Invented "The Wave"
6. Hitler Tuesday
5. Presbyterians-Who-Giggled-in-Church Day
4. Monday After the Fourth of July, If the Fourth Falls on a Weekend
3. Honda Deal-a-thon Days
2. All-Star Softball Game with Purgatory
1. Saddam Appreciation Day
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Coup - August 20, 1991
10. "Excuse me, Mr. Yeltsin, are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
9. "Get your Gorbachump T-shirt!"
8. "Damn! Just when we were this close to getting RC Cola!"
7. "What the hell is Mookie Wilson doing here?"
6. "Put your pants back on comrade Kennedy."
5. "Will this affect the happy meals at the Moscow McDonald's?"
4. "Raisa, better turn on the Bat Signal."
3. "Are you a hardliner or are you just glad to see me?"
2. "Aiieee! Hurricane Bob!"
1. "Now who gets to wear the cool forehead decal?"
Boris Yeltsin's Top 10 Coup-Busting Tips - August 21, 1991
10. Drive around occupied Parliament, honking horn and shouting "Hardliners
suck!"
9. Don't be tricked: before opening door, make sure it really is the
pizza guy.
8. Keep phoning coup committee asking to speak with "Dick Hertz."
7. Broadcast Mary Hart's voice into their bunker until they go nuts.
6. Offer KGB secret American sneaker-phone technology.
5. Tell them they're won trip to Super Bowl; when they show up to claim
tickets -- nab 'em.
4. Make up knock-knock jokes using the name "Gennady."
3. Tell them you've got Van Damme.
2. Threaten to tell their folks.
1. Introduce one of the coup leaders to Yoko Ono.
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Spa - August 22, 1991
10. Name of spa includes words "Speedway" or "Route 1."
9. Shower sandals are just empty Kleenex boxes.
8. Hot springs connected to drain from nearby carwash.
7. Spa owner has personalized license plate "FRAUD."
6. You're pulled out of bed at 5 a.m. and sent to sell flowers at the airport.
5. Manager claims heating oil smell in your room is a form of "aromatherapy."
4. Mickey Rourke won't leave the whirlpool.
3. A guy expresses interest in buying one of your kidneys.
2. You find out that's not mud in the mud baths.
1. Everywhere you turn -- Willard.
Top 10 Least Popular Biker Tattoos - August 23, 1991
10. "Bad to the Bone Due to a Calcium Deficiency"
9. "Bingo Nut"
8. "I Support Public Transportation"
7. "Thank You for Not Smoking"
6. "Follow Me to the Potpourri Barn"
5. Tattooed autograph of golf legend Al Geiberger
4. "I Know I'm Going to Heaven Because I've Spent My Time in Hell;
Merrill-Lynch Trainee Program 1986"
3. "Ask Me About Mary Kaye Cosmetics"
2. "Have You Hugged Your Pomeranian Today?"
1. "Guns 'n' Roses 'n' Bran Muffins"
Top 10 Things We'll Miss about Communism - September 3, 1991
10. The cute way they'd say, "We will bury you."
9. Fifteen-year wait for automobile allowed ample time to get suction cup
Garfield windshield toy.
8. No more "NATO Sucks" bumper stickers.
7. Dick Clark's Rockin' May Day Live from Red Square.
6. Those marvelous stuffed mushrooms at Politburo parties.
5. Laughable manufacturing techniques meant there was always someone whose
appliances were worse than GE's.
4. Hardliners on a cold night.
3. Extra money from selling U.S. military blueprints to Kremlin (Paul
Shaffer only).
2. "Communist Day" at Shea Stadium.
1. The thrill of making love in a bugged hotel room.
Top 10 Other Ways Cheerleader Mom Helped Her Daughter - September 4, 1991
10. Hired sniper to eliminate competition in church picnic sack race.
9. Orchestrated coup attempt on Gorbachev because daughter though his
forehead stain was "gross."
8. Got Gambino crime family to turn over card table at rival bake sale.
7. Arranged for Michelle Pfeiffer to play daughter in TV movie. about trial.
6. For daughter's third birthday party, let her stab clown.
5. Started rift between MacNeil and Lehrer, hoping one of them would step
down.
4. Kept murdering K-Mart cashiers until daughter's name reached top of
waiting list.
3. Beat the crap out of drivers ed teacher.
2. Offered Satan her eternal soul so that Shanna's eyeliner would never smear.
1. Served tainted chili to glee club.
Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Jokes - September 5, 1991
10. Help me find my car keys and we can drive out of here.
9. How do you think I rang the doorbell?
8. The light lunch was my idea.
7. Too bad Mother wasn't here. We could have saved the horse and wagon.
6. The one in front is sick and the other one's pushing him to the hospital.
5. While you were upstairs talking, we were down here enjoying hot buttered
corn.
4. We can save the lady, but I'm afraid it's too late for the rabbi.
3. Read the card! Read the card!
2. And the dog says, "I've never had five dollars before!"
1. Move over honey -- I have to gargle.
Top 10 Questions Asked of Gorbachev and Yeltsin - September 6, 1991
10. "Are you kids dating?"
9. "Which of you guys is the really messy one and which is the really neat
one?"
8. "Is it true about Raisa and Geraldo?"
7. "Can we have Lenin's body for our Lions Club charity auction?"
6. "I said, 'When with the translator arrive?'"
5. "Would you ever consider calling yourselves Harley Davidson and the
Marlboro Man?"
4. "Who the hell is Myrtle Young?"
3. "Either of you interested in being the Democratic candidate in '92?"
2. "Play 'Freebird'!"
1. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad College - September 10, 1991
10. On university seal, word "college" is spelled with a K.
9. Many alumni still living out behind the stadium.
8. Your English professor looks a lot like your history professor minus
the fake nose and glasses.
7. School colors are dark brown and slightly darker brown.
6. Instructors ask that you place finished exam papers into their pants
pocket.
5. When you mention your college, people in town say, "Oh yeah. The old
kennel."
4. Coach of your basketball team is Jerry Tarkanian.
3. School song is "Freebird."
2. Asked about accreditation the Dean of Admissions replies, "I got your
accreditation right here!"
1. Valedictorian is a counting pony.
Top 10 Least Popular Hors d'Oeuvres - September 11, 1991
10. Bacon-wrapped gravel
9. Hot 'n' spicy nickels
8. Lint on a Ritz
7. Ben Gay balls
6. Super-crunchie cocoons
5. Hudson River sushi
4. Rice Krispie squares that have been in Don Zimmer's locker
3. Devilled aphid mini-pizzas
2. That's Not Caviar
1. Vienna Snausages
Top 10 Cuban Tourist Slogans - September 12, 1991
10. You'll come for the shortages... You'll stay for the rationing!
9. If we had electricity, we'd leave a light on for you.
8. Food, folks, and fun -- minus the food and fun.
7. Baseball diphtheria -- catch it!
6. Guaranteed: no Cheerleader Mom!
5. We think we saw a can of walnuts in the basement of the airport.
4. Ever see a real live marielito knife fight?
3. First 50 tourists dressed like Castro get in free!
2. Those are missile silos and we are glad to see you.
1. It sucks -- but please come anyway.
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Miss America Pageant
- September 13, 1991
10. Trading sex for food at an Atlantic City Wendy's.
9. Trying to enter the contest by claiming to be "Miss West Carolina."
8. Showing your new boyfriend Mike Tyson around the dressing room.
7. Sassing Regis.
6. Heavy petting with a union stagehand.
5. Wearing a sash that says, "Screw You."
4. Affidavit proving you are the former Mr. Ed Daniels.
3. Taking a leak on the beach.
2. Being seen in a bar talking with Cheerleader Mom.
1. Corking your swimsuit.
Top 10 Reasons for th Trump-Maples Break Up - September 24, 1991
10. Couldn't agree on who was more shallow.
9. Banks forced him to sell Marla as part of debt restructuring.
8. Shy, reclusive Trump feared marrying an ex-model might attract attention.
7. Caught him stealing tips off other tables at restaurants.
6. In moment of passion, Marla called Trump, "Meal Ticket."
5. Philosophical differences about Dead Sea Scrolls.
4. Marla's complete inability to remove ground-in dirt.
3. He found out she was lying when she said her father invented maple syrup.
2. Audience didn't vote for a second date.
1. The stupid potion he gave her wore off.
Top 10 Surprises in the Dead Sea Scrolls - September 25, 1991
10. The secret recipe for Mrs. Field's cookies.
9. The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not pay a lot for a muffler.
8. It turns out Billy Joel did start the fire.
7. Frequent use of the word "gnarly."
6. In the marginal decoration, you can find Waldo.
5. Book of Revelations originally ended with a high-speed car chase.
4. Without getting too specific, Presbyterians are in a lot of trouble.
3. Specifically states Marla gets to keep the engagement ring.
2. St. Joseph was really ticklish.
1. Loads of money-saving coupons!
Top 10 Signs You're Watching Too Much Television - September 26, 1991
10. You know the astrological signs of the three guys on Monday Night Football.
9. Your kids are named Doogie, Oprah, and Geraldo.
8. You write angry letters to CNN asking why they cancelled that cool
Desert Storm show.
7. You keep pressing the mute button, but your dog's still barking.
6. You rented a tux to watch the "Cheers" anniversary show.
5. You miss every question on the SAT's except the one about Matlock's pants.
4. Every time a talking car goes by, you're positive it's "Knight Rider."
3. Nothing on God's green Earth pleases you more than the jovial exchanges
between Regis and Kathie Lee.
2. Whenever there's a problem, you wonder, "What would Goober do?"
1. You've seen Vanna wear the same thing twice.
Top 10 Features of Biosphere II - September 27, 1991
10. A Gap.
9. All-you-can-eat food pellet Tuesdays.
8. A surprising number of handguns.
7. Fluffy the bio-poodle.
6. Boxes and boxes of biodegradable condoms.
5. Eight barbers -- no waiting!
4. A really big Garfield suction cup doll.
3. More special effects, more steamy love scenes, and more high-speed
car chases than in Biosphere I.
2. Overpowering smell of Windex.
1. The Clapper.
Top 10 Highlights of Bush's Visit to Disney World - October 1, 1991
10. Posed as wax figure in Hall of Presidents and goosed tourists.
9. Surprised to discover Dukakis in a duck suit.
8. Cocktails and pellets with Mickey.
7. Millie getting into cryogenic chamber and licking frozen body of Walt
Disney.
6. Substantive discussions with Goofy regarding possible spot on '92 ticket.
5. Sununu using Dumbo ride to visit dentist in Orlando.
4. Demonstration of technology that allows costumed characters to go 3 days
without taking a leak.
3. 47 mouse-shaped ice cream bars consumed by Barbara.
2. Pluto and Millie sniffing each other.
1. Pluto and Quayle sniffing each other.
Top 10 Recent Revelations About the CIA - October 2, 1991
10. Engineered coup that toppled Richard Dawson from "Family Feud."
9. Unsuccessfully tried to persuade Yakov Smirnoff to defect back.
8. Replaced coffee ordinarily served with Folgers crystals.
7. So-called "truth serum" nothing but Karo syrup and food coloring.
6. Chief hitman -- Bruce Hornsby
5. Determined early in 1989 that Gorbachev was working for the Soviets.
4. Their code name for Joe DiMaggio: Mr. Coffee.
3. Agents routinely strip-search themselves.
2. The whole thing is run by Robert Goulet.
1. You don't have to be crazy to work there but it helps.
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Restaurant - October 3, 1991
10. After presenting food, waiter says, "Good luck."
9. The ASPCA has the kitchen staked out.
8. Guy stops by table to ask if you want your fork spit-shined.
7. You suddenly realize it's the water that's amber-colored, not the glass.
6. Free range chickens wander around men's room.
5. You ask for a napkin and the waiter says, "Oh, who's Mister Fancy?"
4. One of your burritos is a rolled-up Ace bandage.
3. The only thing French about the chef is the way he's kissing your wife.
2. When you wake up, your date is gone.
1. They consider Saltines a pasta.
Top 10 Reasons This Liz Taylor Marriage Is Going to Last - October 4, 1991
10. She's used up all her practice marriages.
9. Huge success rate of weddings hosted by chimp-owning recluses.
8. It's perfect -- he's in construction and she's been rebuilt a couple of
times.
7. Nostradamus predicted the eighth marriage would last.
6. Larry: beer-drinking fat guy. Liz: beer-drinking fat guy.
5. Have promised to stay together and raise Michael Jackson.
4. Richard Burton's pathological jealously less of a problem now that he's
dead.
3. She's no longer using Bobby Knight as marriage counselor.
2. Larry's pregnant.
1. She's married everybody else.
Top 10 Least Popular Craftsman Tools - October 8, 1991
10. Three-speed Q-tip
9. Exploding nails
8. Lee Press-On Rivets
7. Toupee clamp
6. One-rung ladder
5. Groin puller
4. Uncontrollable chainsaw
3. Birth control nail apron
2. Imaginary hammer
1. Gas-powered Clapper
Clarence Thomas' Top 10 Pick-Up Lines - October 9, 1991
10. "How about a little affirmative action?"
9. "This robe is big enough for the two of us."
8. "The other judges don't understand me."
7. "Wanna meet Wapner?"
6. "How about a peek at exhibits A and B?"
5. "It is my opinion, based on existing statutes and established precedents,
that you could be a model."
4. "Weren't you at the Guns n' Roses party in L.A.?"
3. "You've got beautiful eyes, Senator Cranston."
2. "That's not a gavel."
1. "I find you guilty -- to being a fabulous babe!"
Top 10 LensCrafters Excuses for not Having Your Glasses Done in About an Hour
- October 10, 1991
10. We use the word "about" to mean "give or take a day."
9. Got wrapped up in back room making sock puppets with glasses on them.
8. Without your glasses on, you probably misread your watch.
7. Technicians sexually harassed all afternoon by Clarence Thomas.
6. Manager chugged a quart of saline solution; passed out in the nosepad
closet.
5. I never wanted to be a LensCrafter. I really want to be a singer!
4. I supposed you also believe Keebler cookies are made by elves who live
in a tree.
3. Mr. LensCrafter don't like questions.
2. We meant an hour on Neptune.
1. What's it to you, four-eyes?
Top 10 Surprises in the Barbara Walters Interview with the Quayles
- October 11, 1991
10. Overeager Dan started crying as interview began.
9. After every good answer, Barbara gave each of them a little snack.
8. Dan likes to sit in a trash bag and play Biosphere II.
7. Embarrassing way they made out during whole show.
6. He repeatedly asked the video technicians, "You guys making a movie?"
5. The audience didn't vote for a second date.
4. You'd think they would've stopped when Dan got the hiccups.
3. He was once pinched in the ass by Clarence Thomas.
2. His shock at learning all those Dan Quayle jokes are about him.
1. The way Dan kept referring to Walters as "Oprah".
Top 10 Signs You've Bought a Bad Car - October 15, 1991
10. As you drive it off the lot, you see all the salesmen wildly high-fiving
each other.
9. It fails the emissions test even when its not running.
8. Don't have enough power to get over speed bumps.
7. Owner's manual includes several prayers.
6. You leave it parked for an hour on the West Side Highway and nobody
takes it.
5. Digital display indicates number of people now laughing at you.
4. So-called "decorative floor mats" just flattened Cap'n Crunch boxes.
3. Blinking light on dashboard reads, "Get out of car now!"
2. Headlights controlled by The Clapper.
1. Car phone has direct line to AAA.
Top 10 Duties of the New Guy on the Supreme Court - October 16, 1991
10. Polish coins the other justices flip when making a decision.
9. Summarize "L.A. Law" at Friday morning meeting.
8. Act as lookout when they go to egg Wapner's house.
7. Distribute profits from Supreme Court Action Figures.
6. Quietly endure coarse sexual comments from his superior, Sandra Day
O'Connor.
5. For first week, has to wear boxer shorts on outside of robe.
4. Drive the truck under the Supreme Court Rose Bowl float.
3. Feed the Supreme Cat.
2. Do the Vice-President's civics homework.
1. Return the keg and pay the hookers.
Top 10 Slogans for G.E. Coffeemakers - October 17, 1991
10. We cut out the safety testing -- and passed the savings on to you!
9. Makes enough to serve 12 firemen.
8. Billy Joel didn't start the fire -- we did!
7. Finally -- an affordable suicide machine!
6. Gee, your burning hair smells terrific!
5. It's like Joe DiMaggio smoking in bed.
4. As seen in "Backdraft."
3. We make nuclear reactors too!
2. Fire, folks, and fun.
1. Coffee so good, it'll burn your house down!
Clarence Thomas' Top 10 Favorite Movie Rentals - October 18, 1991
10. "Ernest Goes to the Mustang Ranch"
9. "Orgy in the Court"
8. "Wetness for the Prosecution"
7. "Legal Spreadeagles"
6. "Twelve Angry Men and a Really Hot Cheerleader"
5. "The 69th Amendment"
4. "L.A. Raw"
3. "Red Hot Stuff Conservatives Are Supposed To Be Against"
2. "Dances Without Briefs"
1. "Jacoby Does Meyers"
Top 10 Reasons We Stopped Doing the Top 10 List for A While
- February 20, 1992
10. Kids spilled Pepsi in Top 10 machine.
9. Too busy working on slogan, "Pork: The Other White Meat".
8. Got tired of people calling me "Top 10 Boy".
7. Torn rotator cuff.
6. Lazy American writers too hungover to work.
5. Had crazy idea people would enjoy more banter with Paul.
4. Drunken vagrant we bought them from disappeared in the marsh.
3. El Nino.
2. Too buys spending time with my new number one lady -- Gennifer Flowers.
1. With the lists, the show was just too funny.
Top 10 Ways Bush Can Bring Up His Approval Rating - February 21, 1992
10. Dump Barbara; marry Alberto Tomba.
9. Put entire national debt on his Mastercard.
8. Consistently refer to Democratic frontrunner as "Stongas."
7. Revive Reagan's sure-fire "free cheese" promotion.
6. Give Saddam Hussein an ultimatum; then kick his butt again.
5. Deliver next televised speech from captain's chair of the Starship
Enterprise.
4. Get it on with a happenin' lady.
3. Read my lips: fire Quayle's ass.
2. Free plastic whistles!
1. Go back to Japan and boot on Miyazawa again.
Top 10 Rejected Pepsi Slogans - February 25, 1992
10. Sodium benzoate -- always had it, always will!
9. When R.C. Cola's just not good enough!
8. Guaranteed to attract yellowjackets.
7. The mild corrosive you can drink!
6. Suck me through a straw!
5. Gives you that phlegmy feeling in the back of your throat.
4. Pork: the other white meat.
3. The new official soft drink of Clarence Thomas.
2. Enough caffeine to make Buddy Ebsen mambo.
1. It's fizzy and brown!
Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Campaign Manager - February 26, 1992
10. His first day on the job he begins drafting your concession speech.
9. Show's up at rallies wearing "I'm with stupid" T-shirt.
8. Encourages crowds to give you a "Heil Hitler" salute.
7. He has a spy infiltrate Jerry Brown's headquarters.
6. Only photo opportunity he arranges is you in a hot tub with hookers.
5. Campaign song is "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."
4. Under "past employment" on his resume you see the word "Dukakis."
3. He signs that "Hey Vern" guy to do your commercials.
2. You find yourself doing a lot of campaigning in Canada.
1. Recommends pretty-boy senator from Indiana as running mate.
Top 10 Things Overheard at Liz Taylor's 60th Birthday Party at Disneyland
- February 27, 1992
10. "Oh... birthday! I thought it was her 60th marriage."
9. "Thank you Larry darling for the lovely card and the $5 bill."
8. "Actually, Miss Taylor, we had planned to slice the cake and give some
to the other guests."
7. "A coupon for the Betty Ford Clinic! Thank you!"
6. "Is this the line to Space Mountain -- or the line to Marry Liz?"
5. "You're the birthday girl! Of course you can have another side of beef!"
4. "How many of the dwarves are ex-husbands?"
3. "Fortensky! They need more ice water at table six!"
2. "It's the thawed-out body of Walt Disney! Run for your lives!"
1. "You were married to Liz? Hey -- me too!"
Top 10 Signs the Company You Work for Is Going Under - February 28, 1992
10. They start paying everyone in sea shells.
9. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
8. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
7. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
6. The initials of your company are "G.M."
5. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
4. Tartikoff quits.
3. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.
2. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
1. You get a lot of memos in Japanese.
Top 10 Responsibilities of New U.N. Members - March 3, 1992
10. Collect money for headset rental.
9. Form bottom row of human pyramid in U.N. group photo.
8. Make list of which countries were talking while Secretary General was
out of room.
7. Senior members can send them looking for "left-handed nuclear warhead."
6. Act as liaison between foreign dignitaries and local hookers.
5. Attempt to stop the constant bickering between Siskel and Ebert.
4. Learn to say "Benelux countries" without giggling.
3. Get New York City cab driver's license.
2. Must swear that from now on they will walk, talk, eat, and sleep U.N.!
1. Refill the ketchups.
Top 10 Highlights of the "Happy Days" Reunion Show - March 4, 1992
10. When a sadly aged Fonzie started to say "Aye!" but was interrupted by a
wet hacking cough.
9. When Pat Morita called rest of cast "lazy American loafers."
8. Clip of Mike Wallace character that inspired popular spin-off show "60
Minutes."
7. It turns out Henry Winkler the actor and Fonzie the character are two
very different people.
6. Paul Shaffer's first TV appearance as Mork's Canadian sidekick.
5. When he ascended too rapidly from a deep sea dive and "The Fonz" got "
the bends."
4. Once again hearing Archie call Mike a meathead.
3. When Tom Bosley "sat on it."
2. During closing credits watching Ron Howard loan everybody else cab fare
home.
1. When Squeegee gave Doogie a Hey-Hey-Hey.... OK! I admit it! I never saw
the damn show!
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Infertility Doctor - March 5, 1992
10. First question on form you fill out is, "You're not a cop, are you?"
9. Your itemized bill includes the cost of a stack of Playboys.
8. Diploma is made from cut-up newspaper headlines.
7. His assistant sells you an expensive "fertility muffin."
6. Keeps using the work "thingy."
5. Also in the waiting room: Mike Wallace, a camera crew, and several
police officers.
4. He asks if you want regular or extra crispy.
3. You recognize him as the guy who works the ferris wheel.
2. Puts rubber clove on his head like Howie Mandel.
1. Sign out front reads: "Buses Welcome."
Top 10 Ways NBC Is Rebuilding - March 6, 1992
10. A Thighmaster mini-series
9. Jazzing up old shows by adding "90210" to titles
8. Will replace costly "L.A. Law" with hour-long "Hooked on Phonics"
infomercial
7. More swear words
6. Superhunk Tom Brokaw to deliver news in tank top
5. "Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling"
4. New symbol that looks like the CBS logo to confuse some viewers
3. "Sixty-one Minutes"
2. "Pantsless Jeopardy"
1. Three words: bringing back ALF
Top 10 Reasons Ted Kennedy Will Make a Good Husband -- March 17 1992
10. Youngsters love to be awakened in middle of night for Jello shots.
9. When wife feels sad and lonely he can always give her a million bucks.
8. Can stop an electric car window with his head.
7. Children won't have to worry about meeting impossibly high standards of
conduct set by parents.
6. Could build guest house with empty Chivas bottles.
5. In-law Schwarzenegger ready to help move old refrigerator down to
basement.
4. Won't spend a lot of time away from home campaigning for presidency.
3. Willing to take the time to help college-age kids cheat on their exams.
2. Won't forget anniversary or any other occasion that requires a toast.
1. Has phone numbers of hundreds of babysitters.
Top 10 Reasons the Royal Marriage Has Failed -- March 18, 1992
10. Couldn't agree on setting for Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.
9. His super-strict rule of no talking during Benny Hill.
8. He got tired of her always asking, "So are you king yet or what?"
7. Financial strain from drop in sales of their Royal Crown Cola.
6. She thought she was marrying the guy who sang "Raspberry Beret."
5. Andrew got hooked on phonics.
4. London Bridge kept falling down, if you know what I mean.
3. Why do royal marriages fail? Read "Dianetics," page 216.
2. Got sick of listening to those phony British accents.
1. Fergie won Lotto.
Top 10 Other Rule Changes in the NFL -- March 19, 1992
10. If spectator makes a tackle, it counts.
9. Home team faces 15-yard penalty for "bad half-time show."
8. Televised games to be enhanced with cartoon special effects.
7. Goalposts will be crawling with clever monkeys who will try to swat
ball away.
6. Extra point will be replaced by trivia question.
5. At hotel, visiting team may not run around the pool, must walk like
gentlemen.
4. Position of outside linebackers to be replaced by two "Mambo Kings."
3. Owners' wives now officially considered "up for grabs."
2. Football replaced with scrappy live possum.
1. No unnecessary squatting.
Top 10 Other Shocking Revelations about Bill Clinton -- March 20, 1992
10. Stormy 10-day marriage to Cher in 1975.
9. Invented the "chipwich."
8. Was originally Billie Jane Clinton.
7. For years, worked with paper bag on head as "The Unknown Comic."
6. While governor of Arkansas, changed state motto to "Bite Me."
5. Despite intensive coaching by handlers, still refers to swimming pool
as "ce-ment pond."
4. Real last name: Tclinton.
3. In high school, voted Most Likely To Win Democratic Nomination & Then Go on
To Lose Election in Crushing Defeat.
2. Wept at Police Academy 4.
1. Uses steroids on his hair.
Top 10 Signs You're Out of Shape -- March 24, 1992
10. When brushing teeth you have to rest between "up" and "down".
9. Doctor's first words: "Open your mouth and say moo."
8. When you stop exercising parts of you continue to move.
7. Local restaurants try to coordinate their vacations with yours.
6. You think "bet you can't eat just one" is a good slogan for canned ham.
5. You can often be heard yelling, "Hey! Who turned up the gravity?"
4. Instead of whistling construction workers act busy when you walk by.
3. You're using three sets of Deal-a-Meal cards at once.
2. Packs of dogs attracted by your high-pitched wheeze.
1. You can't fit in the biosphere.
Top 10 Reasons Jerry Brown Won in Connecticut -- March 25, 1992
10. He was the 100th caller.
9. Many citizens thought they were voting for James Brown.
8. Heavy Klingon turnout.
7. What he lacks in crazy ideas he makes up for in erratic personality.
6. Promised to do something about salad dressing fumes coming from Paul
Newman's house.
5. Growing sentiment that western world should be led by a guy in a
turtleneck.
4. People loved the free tours he gave of my house.
3. Voters lost confidence in Clinton Sunday night when his hair burned down.
2. Sunspots.
1. Linda Ronstadt... Gennifer Flowers. 'Nuff said.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the President's Physical -- March 26 , 1992
10. That's cute. Smurf underpants.
9. Any headaches? Fever? Vomiting on foreign leaders?
8. You still have a slight trace of the wimp factor.
7. You've turned your head and coughed plenty! Let's move on.
6. Mr. Quayle, you don't have to undress.
5. Hey look! A Roseanne Barr tattoo!
4. Do we have to do this on C-Span?
3. That's what I call "The Executive Branch."
2. Just a few more snapshots and you can put your clothes back on.
1. Thanks for the check-up, Doogie!
Top 10 Questions Asked by the Cosmonaut -- March 27, 1992
10. "Did Kiefer and Julia have a baby yet?"
9. "Where can I redeem all these empty Bud cans?"
8. "Can I please have sex with you immediately?"
7. "What do you mean -- the McRib is back?"
6. "What were all those flashing lights around the Kennedy compound?"
5. "So when is Holyfield fighting Tyson?"
4. "How's my Pan Am stock doing?"
3. "The Grateful Dead are still making albums?!"
2. "Will this get me on the Sajak show?"
1. "Anybody got a mint?"
Top 10 H. Ross Perot Campaign Slogans -- March 31, 1992
10. Enjoy the thrill of voting for someone you know nothing about.
9. Elect me and I'll reveal my first name.
8. I've made more money than Wayne's World.
7. Recent winner of his office Oscar pool.
6. I did inhale.
5. Do you know what a billion dollars in cash feels like against your
naked body?
4. I'm too short and unattractive to have a mistress.
3. Not "Russ"... it's "Ross"!
2. I'm insane and I'm ready to be president!
1. The H stands for good government!
Top 10 Duties of Belgian Astronaut -- April 1, 1992
10. Makes the Tang.
9. Collect the movie headsets.
8. Present the Belgian Oscar.
7. Go out on tether and give Hubble telescope a whack.
6. Be the Wookie when they play "Star Wars."
5. Laugh it off when guys call him "endive-eating Eurotrash."
4. Make sure the neon Pepsi sign is switched on over Western Hemisphere.
3. Pretend to drive with colorful toy steering wheel.
2. Same things Quayle does in Washington.
1. Make the waffles.
Top 10 Interesting Facts about the 38-Acre Fungus -- April 9, 1992
10. Came out of hiding to appear as character witness in Gotti trial.
9. Bill Clinton once tried smoking some of it.
8. Has vanity plate: "FUNGUS-1".
7. Some polls show it's running neck-and-neck with Jerry Brown.
6. Elvis once had staff try to bulldoze it onto 40-acre pizza.
5. Section of it used to make William Shatner's hairpiece.
4. Might be an old YMCA they forgot to disinfect.
3. Smarter than Quayle.
2. Nickname: "Debbie".
1. Tastes a little like chicken.
Top 10 Signs the Recession Is Ending -- April 3, 1992
10. All of a sudden, people do want fries with that.
9. Liz Taylor planning even more lavish wedding in '93.
8. "Wheel of Fortune" contestants spending more for vowels.
7. Pillsbury Doughboy wearing expensive Armani suit.
6. Wilt Chamberlain offering free continental breakfast for overnight guests.
5. Next December, one lucky G.E. employee will get a Christmas bonus.
4. People now buying, not just renting, suicide machine.
3. Regis once again handing out $20 bills on the street. (When you see
him, ask for yours!!)
2. Congressmen bouncing larger and larger checks.
1. Less sawdust in the Big Mac.
Top 10 Signs Your Team Has No Chance of Winning the Pennant -- April 7, 1992
10. When players are called up from the farm team, they refuse to come.
9. Third base coach has sign for "stop shaking."
8. Shirtless drunken fan who jumped onto field now playing shortstop.
7. Commissioner suggests you try using illegal drugs.
6. Morgana the Kissing Bandit just shakes hands.
5. Marv Albert always hanging around with a video camera.
4. There's talk of just giving the franchise to the Japanese.
3. Players heckle themselves.
2. Several players out at once with sympathetic groin pulls.
1. Your team's name rhymes with "schmindians."
Yassir Arafat's Top 10 Close Calls -- April 8, 1992
10. Towel on head once caught in Cuisinart.
9. Reaching to shut off alarm, pulled pin on bedside grenade.
8. Attacked by dog that mistook his beard for a squirrel.
7. Bear hug from Khadafy that just got out of control.
6. The night Joan van Ark almost missed catching him during trapeze act
for "Circus of the Stars."
5. Hair caught on fire while making Pepsi commercial.
4. Food poisoning at the Denny's in Damascus.
3. Saw Ernest Saves Christmas -- and almost died laughing.
2. Time he fell down that well in Texas and entire nation rallied around "
Baby Yassir."
1. Three words: rabid camel bite.
Hillary Clinton's Top 10 Pet Peeves -- April 9, 1992
10. Trying out an expensive new perfume -- and your husband refuses to inhale.
9. The fact that she's only allowed to contribute $100 to that hunky Jerry
Brown.
8. People who ask if you've changed your hair color since they saw you and
Bill making out at the drive-in.
7. Inability to agree on right Elvis stamp putting strain on marriage.
6. When Bill wears his "Governor of Arkansas" crown out in public.
5. Howie Mandel.
4. When they lock up the guy who got your husband all that great
Panamanian pot.
3. When Bill calls at the last minute to tell you he's bringing a date
home for dinner.
2. When your husband tries to avoid being drafted -- to take out the trash!
1. People who spell Jennifer with a "G".
Top 10 Attractions at the New Euro-Disney -- April 10, 1992
10. Chain-Smoking, Unshowered Mickey
9. The Runny Cheese Log Flume
8. Huey, Louie, and Dewey Menage a Trois
7. Snow White and the Seven Collaborators
6. Minnie's Magic Bidet
5. French version of Jiminy Cricket who bites American kids.
4. The Preserved Body of Walt Disney Inside a Flaky Pastry Crust
3. Neo-Nazis of the Caribbean
2. Donald Duck a L'Orange
1. Beauty and the Beast French Kissing
Top 10 Ways the Legal System Would Be Different
If Juries Were Made Up of 12 Bears -- April 21, 1992
10. Bringing live salmon into courtroom would be considered jury tampering.
9. Waste basket in jury room would be constantly tipped over.
8. To prove insanity, defendant must turn down piece of grub-infested bark.
7. Plain and simple: use a tranquilizer gun; go to jail.
6. John Gotti could fix trial by putting guy in bear suit on jury.
5. When put up in a hotel room, jury would have trouble dialing out.
4. For reasons too complicated to explain, Leona Helmsley would be a free
woman.
3. Little girls who break and enter, then steal porridge would be more
likelyto get the chair.
2. If sequestered too long, jury would tend to hibernate.
1. Punishment for every crime: foot in bear trap.
Top 10 Other Ways the Airlines Are Attracting Passengers -- April 22, 1992
10. New "cockpit fare" gives you chance to test your skills at the controls.
9. Bring a gallon of jet fuel -- get a free upgrade!
8. Turbo-roasted peanuts.
7. All flight crews now include at least one "Star Trek" cast member.
6. Strip searches on demand.
5. Seat backs and tray tables? Leave 'em any way you want!
4. Bat day.
3. For a buck, you can cling to the landing gear.
2. One window left open so you can drop stuff.
1. Topless baggage handlers.
Top 10 Signs You've Gone To a Bad Church -- April 23, 1992
10. Name of the church includes a muppet or professional wrestler.
9. Service involves a lot of squatting.
8. Minister always preaching about the glory of Amway products.
7. Priest not only defrocked but depantsed.
6. Guy from "America's Funniest Home Videos" is hanging around the
confessional.
5. Photographer wanders around trying to sell people $5 Polaroid of
themselves praying.
4. So-called "faith healer" is just Doug Henning in a dress.
3. Priest closes sermon with, "You guys have been great! Enjoy Frankie
Valli."
2. Pews have magic fingers.
1. Only song organist knows is theme from "Bonanza".
Top 10 Rejected Forms of Capital Punishment -- April 24, 1992
10. Lethal injection of Paul Newman's salad dressing.
9. Chamber full of hyperactive knife-wielding monkeys.
8. Getting flattened by monster truck in front of huge pay-per-view audience.
7. Forced marriage to Jerry Lee Lewis.
6. Replacing the fine coffee the prisoner ordinarily drinks with cyanide.
5. Showing you reruns of "Perfect Strangers" -- until you die laughing!
4. Weekend in New York City.
3. Being made to read unfunny list in front of 200 angry audience members.
2. Cajun-style pan-frying.
1. Electric car window guillotine.
Top 10 Signs New York City Is Not a Failure -- April 28, 1992
10. A decent cup of coffee -- and change back from your $20.
9. Lowest contract arson rates around.
8. Stolen bicycle statistics reflect large number of health-conscious
criminals.
7. That sticky stuff on the sidewalk tastes a lot like root beer.
6. Helps other cities by attracting their creeps and losers like a magnet.
5. In event of foreign invasion, school kids can handle firearms.
4. New climate dome keeps city at perfect 72 degrees year round.
3. Six -- count 'em six! -- English-speaking cab drivers!
2. A warning to sinners of what hell will be like.
1. Can get prescriptions filled on subway.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the President's Fundraiser -- April 29, 1992
10. "If you want sour cream on the potato, it's an extra five grand."
9. "Billy Dee Williams is right! Colt 45 sets the mood!"
8. "I'm sorry, Congressman -- no checks."
7. "Buchanan! More ice water at table six!"
6. "Look out! The President's eating sushi!"
5. "Hi, I'm Clarence Thomas -- and this is my gavel."
4. "Come on, Mrs. Bush! Crush another can on your head!"
3. "What time do the hookers get here?"
2. "You're incredibly wealthy too? What a coincidence!"
1. "Folgers Crystals?!"
Top 10 Rejected Plots for the Final Episode of "The Cosby Show"
- April 30, 1992
10. Cosby urges all the kids to drop out of school and become professional
wrestlers.
9. After prosecuting Gotti, Clair gets whacked.
8. It turns out Dr. Huxtable has fathered over 100 children at his
fertility clinic.
7. Whole group settles down to view a tape of Ghost Dad.
6. Family learns that Cliff's colorful sweaters have given them radiation
poisoning.
5. Rudy gets in trouble when she tells her father, "Jell-O sucks!"
4. Clair finds out about Cliff's second loving wife and family upstate.
3. Alien creature explodes from Theo's stomach and eats everyone.
2. Family watches hilarious double episode of "The Simpsons."
1. Thanks to the Skipper, they're finally rescued!
Top 10 Reasons Broadway Is Enjoying Its Best Season Ever -- May 1, 1992
10. Orchestra pits filled with free shrimp.
9. Costume changes now take place in aisle.
8. Easy walk to Times Square to grab a post-theatre hooker.
7. Many dentists now suggest show tunes help prevent gum disease.
6. Wilt Chamberlain: The Musical.
5. Movies like Brenda Starr.
4. Revival of "Guys & Dolls" features singing and dancing of Mr. John Gotti!
3. Audience now allowed to eat stuff they find on floor.
2. Lazy American actors replaced by hard-working Japanese actors.
1. Naked ushers.
Top 10 Horrifying Secrets About H. Ross Perot -- May 5, 1992
10. Has "Love" tattooed on one hand, "Hate" on the other.
9. Wants to be president to impress the babes.
8. Invented "the wave."
7. Was married to Liz Taylor -- twice.
6. Had steamy affair with Bill Clinton.
5. Believes Regis and Kathie Lee are talking directly to him.
4. Favorite song: "Baby I'm a Want You."
3. Something sinister about his "advisor" Professor Diablo.
2. The "H" stands for Helen.
1. Was the cowboy in the Village People.
Top 10 Things Mike Tyson Does To Pass the Time in Solitary Confinement
- May 6, 1992
10. Tons -- and I mean tons -- of shadow boxing.
9. Earns extra cash writing term papers for local college kids.
8. Plans "discussion" with Don King about missing money.
7. Mastering the pan flute.
6. Uses Thighmaster to strengthen his jaw.
5. Professor Tyson's Performing Cockroach Circus.
4. Lies on floor and spins in circle like Curly.
3. Works on toothpick model of really big toothpick.
2. Plans escape route to Bangkok in time for Friday's Miss Universe Pageant.
1. Chill.
Top 10 Highlights of Maria Shriver's Interview with Raisa Gorbachev
- May 7, 1992
10. When Maria screamed, "Why can't you talk English?"
9. Funny home video of Gorby tripping over hose and falling in pool.
8. When Maria offered her some Armorall spot remover.
7. Ted Danson walk-on to praise Raisa's hair care products.
6. When Mikhail's answer matched Raisa's about one making love on a beach.
5. Raisa crossed her legs like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
4. Announcement that Raisa would be new "Golden Girl."
3. Tearful confession of 10-year affair with Yakov Smirnoff -- by both of
them.
2. During live Alpo commercial when dog took a leak.
1. Raisa revealing location of Mikhail's other birthmark.
Top 10 Rejected Plots for the Final "Golden Girls" -- May 8, 1992
10. Doctor Kevorkian drops by for a visit.
9. Bea Arthur tests positive for steroids.
8. They all develop hysterical pregnancies.
7. Rue McClanahan finally breaks up with Bill Clinton.
6. A mistake at the pharmacy gets the girls hooked on crack.
5. Everybody sits around discussing the last "Cosby Show."
4. In a grisly mix-up, the girls get too much fiber.
3. That lovable mutt Beethoven moves in -- and steals the show!
2. During a hot flash, Betty White kills a guy.
1. Doogie loses his virginity.
Top 10 Highlights of Our Upcoming Season Finale -- May 12, 1992
10. I get bit by a stupid pet trick: hover hear death for rest of hour.
9. Audience votes for a second date for Fergie and me.
8. Our drummer Anton Fig falls down a well; nation rallies around rescue
attempts.
7. "Gary" character dies.
6. Paul gets pregnant.
5. Guy who bounces soccer ball on head found brutally murdered.
4. Marv Albert brings on reel of hilarious Mike Tyson prison bloopers.
3. We find out what happens when Paul drinks a pint of phosphorus.
2. Japanese network buys NBC -- for parts!
1. Gas leak kills audience.
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of an L. A. Gang -- May 13, 1992
10. You suggest looting Tile World.
9. Not signaling a lane change during a drive-by shooting.
8. Going on and on about how great the new Carly Simon album is.
7. Bleeding all over the sheepskin seat covers.
6. Getting gang out of selling drugs and into selling Amway products.
5. Getting every answer wrong during Family Feud's "Gang Week."
4. Two words: penny loafers.
3. Shouting: "Hey! This looks like stolen merchandise! I'm calling the
police!"
2. Dissing Rose Kennedy.
1. Letting your grades slip.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Complaints about Japan -- May 14, 1992
10. Long skinny breadsticks taste like wood.
9. Too much emphasis on learning and smartness.
8. Why can't they use American money like other 49 states?
7. Couldn't figure out squiggly lines on side of cereal box.
6. Weird looks when you order sushi "medium rare."
5. Tricky Japanese doorknobs no easier than American ones.
4. Unable to find their so-called "Great Wall."
3. Their word for "vice-president" sounds suspiciously like "Yankee bonehead."
2. Too close to Vietnam.
1. Everybody speaks French or something.
Top 10 Ways Our Lives Will Be Better Now That They've Fixed That Satellite
- May 15, 1992
10. Can get P.A. announcements from foreign bus stations.
9. Fewer unpopped kernels of microwave popcorn.
8. Don King's hair no longer sticking up.
7. Sky now filled with faint sound of calliope music.
6. Finally -- round-the-clock surveillance of the Kennedys.
5. New commemorative flavor of Tang in the works.
4. Contact re-established between Shirley MacLaine and mother ship.
3. NASA employees no longer have to lie about where they work.
2. Ringing sound in my ears now a little quieter.
1. Free HBO for everybody!
Top 10 Good Things About Having a Billionaire for President -- May 19, 1992
10. Could put national debt on his Visa card.
9. Congratulatory phone call to Superbowl winners no longer collect.
8. Could pay for a Pentagon hammer out of own pocket.
7. No wasting time in Kennebunkport -- can afford to just buy fish.
6. No problem giving the Vice-President $100 to spend day at water park.
5. On your 18th birthday, federal government sends over a hooker.
4. Wouldn't have to force his dog to write best-selling book.
3. Might spring for adorable little matching outfits for everyone in the
country.
2. No more headset rental charge on Air Force One.
1. After winning election could take whole nation to Disney World.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Other Complaints about TV -- May 20, 1992
10. Practically have to be a brain surgeon to figure out how to turn it on
and off.
9. They never did tell us "Who's the Boss."
8. Even though you're screaming the answer, Pat and Vanna just ignore you.
7. Too much joking around on "Cheers."
6. "China Beach" failed to show Vietnam War contributions of Indiana
National Guard.
5. Never get to see Doogie in his underpants.
4. Too much liberal news coverage; too little golf and cartoons.
3. Enough with the "dumb ads"!
2. Driving chuckwagon through kitchen cabinets looks a hell of a lot
easier on TV.
1. Not enough positive portrayals of really dumb guys.
Top 10 Things Dan Quayle Does Like About TV -- May 21, 1992
10. Bright flickering colors make him feel all happy and safe.
9. The way the Pillsbury Doughboy giggles when you poke his stomach.
8. "Matlock" proves our judicial system is working.
7. Adjusting the tint knob so everybody looks like Martians.
6. Keeps him up to date on current White House activities.
5. Letterman show provides positive role model for Indiana dimwits.
4. Rubbing up against screen whenever Kirstie Alley comes on.
3. Impressed by appearances of H. Ross Perot; thinking of voting for him.
2. The always enjoyable test of Emergency Broadcast System.
1. When it's "Dumb Guy Week" on "Wheel of Fortune."
Top 10 Things Carson Had To Do Before His Last Show -- May 22, 1992
10. Write recommendation letter for Ed McMahon.
9. Send thank-you note to Dan Quayle.
8. Load up trunk with office supplies to sell at flea markets.
7. Final attempt at finishing cup of commissary chowder.
6. Nail Matinee Lady one last time.
5. Vacuum out Doc and return him to Hertz.
4. Cut off slauson.
3. Fax rejected jokes to Letterman.
2. Return invisible golf club.
1. Unwrap retirement gift from G.E.; screw it into nearest lamp.
President Bush's Top 10 Environmental Proposals -- June 2, 1992
10. Honor endangered species with series of styrofoam cups from Burger King.
9. White House porch light powered by Barbara on a treadmill.
8. Add spots to regular owls and presto! More spotted owls!
7. Put Hair Club president Sy Sperling in charge of fixing ozone hole.
6. Bottle acid rain; hire those "Uh-Huh" girls to help sell it.
5. Will try to re-use slightly scuffed golf balls.
4. Special filters that convert auto exhaust to delicious cotton candy.
3. No more taking leaks off boat in Kennebunkport harbor.
2. Take away Marilyn Quayle's hair spray.
1. Thighmaster-powered cars.
Top 10 Complaints of the Pregnant Man -- June 3, 1992
10. Giggling gynecologists.
9. Guys at the garage won't throw him a baby shower.
8. Must be own Lamaze partner.
7. Lack of positive portrayals of pregnant men on TV.
6. Kicking baby sometimes knocks beer over.
5. Gillette backing out of endorsement deal.
4. Bloating, bloating, bloating.
3. Didn't get offer to appear nude on cover of Vanity Fair.
2. He wore a condom.
1. Doesn't know who the mother is.
Top 10 Restrictions on the New Super-Saver Airfares -- June 4, 1992
10. May have to bring enough soda for everybody.
9. On flights less than 500 miles, airline reserves right to take the
interstate.
8. In-flight movie may be Stop or My Mom Will Shoot.
7. Must make all connections in mid-air.
6. Carry-on items must fit securely inside your pants.
5. When plane lands, you must remain on board for return flight.
4. Passenger must be able to open package of airline peanuts in under one
minute.
3. Might have to share seat with Jerry Brown.
2. People on aisle may be asked to massage the captain.
1. You may be used as a flotation device.
Top 10 Signs You've Sent Your Kid to a Bad Summer Camp -- June 5, 1992
10. When you meet camp owner, he keeps asking, "How do I know you're not a
cop?"
9. Picture of Mickey Rooney appears somewhere in logo.
8. They award prizes for best rash.
7. Your daughter starts using a lot of prison slang.
6. You get 10-page letter from son detailing his love for the Rev. Moon.
5. Child says on phone he saw counselors rough up a crew from "60 Minutes."
4. Son comes home with poorly stitched incision where his kidney used to be.
3. You spot your kid in bad part of town paving driveways.
2. Youngsters take turns being camp doctor.
1. Mess hall has a cash bar.
Missed June 9, 1992
Top 10 Changes in the Seattle Mariners Now That They're Owned by the Japanese
- June 10, 1992
10. Players must remove cleats before entering dugout.
9. Old infield chatter replaced by haiku.
8. Catchers' masks also play CDs.
7. Seventh inning stretch banned for promoting laziness.
6. Players must politely bow before scratching themselves.
5. Folded paper swan night.
4. No rebroadcast of game without express written consent of the Emperor.
3. Free Super Mario cartridge each time a player passes a drug test.
2. Every night is camera night.
1. Two words: Ballpark sushi.
Top 10 Upcoming Bill Clinton TV Appearances -- June 11, 1992
10. Donahue show on topic of "puffy guys with big hair."
9. Towel boy for Holyfield/Holmes fight.
8. Guest spot as adulterer on "L. A. Law".
7. Voice of cartoon pelican on Nickelodeon.
6. The Friars roast Gennifer Flowers (emcee).
5. Shirtless cameo as Red-Hot-Chili-Pepper-for-a-day.
4. Guy standing behind local newsman at scene of warehouse fire waving
like a jerk.
3. In San Diego Chicken outfit; Padres vs. Astros, Aug. 17th.
2. Calling Ross Perot on "Larry King Live" and asking about Howard Stern.
1. Candidates week on "Wheel of Fortune."
Top 10 Game Shows in Hell -- June 12, 1992
10. Hot Coal Tongue Races
9. Scar Search
8. Dislodge that Fish-Hook!
7. Consequences or Consequences
6. Gouging Out Your Own Eyes with a Jagged Rock for Dollars
5. Razor-sharp Wheel of Fortune
4. How Long Can You Tread Lava?
3. Studs
2. Win a Week in Purgatory
1. Stitch Pullers with John Davidson
Top 10 Items on the Bush/Yeltsin Summit Agenda -- June 16, 1992
10. Sign arms pact limiting number of Super Soaker squirt guns.
9. Discuss possibility of Moscow getting 90210 ZIP code.
8. Work out joint custody of Yakov Smirnoff.
7. Tour of the Vice-President's tree house.
6. Frank dialogue about that thing on Gorbachev's head.
5. Take turns thinking up cute names for Murphy Brown's baby.
4. Private dancing with Michelle Pfeiffer in her Catwoman suit.
3. Determine official spelling of "potato."
2. Prank phone calls to Castro.
1. Yeltsin askes, "When do I get to meet President Perot?"
Top 10 Repair Jobs Recommended by the Sears Automotive Department
- June 17, 1992
10. Grease the ashtrays.
9. Carbonate the windshield wiper solution.
8. Hubcap emission test.
7. Rotate tires four times clockwise.
6. Replace fine transmission fluid we ordinarily use with Folgers Crystals.
5. Install switch that makes car invisible to Connecticut state troopers (
gullible talk show hosts only).
4. Moisten the engine block.
3. Adjust side-view mirror so objects appear exactly the right size.
2. Tint the pistons.
1. Add a redwood deck.
Boris Yeltsin's Top 10 Faux Pas in Washington -- June 18, 1992
10. Repeatedly asking where he can go to get "hammered and sickled."
9. After signing arms pact, kissing President Bush square on the lips.
8. During state dinner, screaming, "You call this Russian dressing?!"
7. Accidentally calling senator from Massachusetts "Tubby Kennedy."
6. Weeping like an infant when he was informed Big Bird was just a guy in
a suit.
5. On tour of White House, asking to see rooms where Jack Kennedy nailed
Marilyn.
4. Constantly shouting "Feed me!" at top of his lungs.
3. Laughing hysterically when Bush suggested they meet again in '94.
2. Hugging Quayle a little too long.
1. Kept calling Barbara "General Schwarzkopf."
Top 10 Ways To Make H. Ross Perot Really Angry -- June 19, 1992
10. Mention how you loved him as Mr. Haney on "Green Acres."
9. Send him a fake bank statement that says he only has two billion dollars.
8. Ask if you can call him "Hoss."
7. Put him on hold when he calls the Home Shopping Network.
6. Wonder why he doesn't use that "What, me worry?" slogan anymore.
5. Ask him if he still owns Southfork.
4. Shave the word "Bush" into the side of his head.
3. Hog the Thighmaster.
2. Tell him you can't wait to see him as "The Penguin."
1. Ask him if the H stands for "Heather."
Top 10 Olympic Sports on NBC's Pay-Per-View Triplecast -- June 23, 1992
10. Blindfolded fencing.
9. Equestrian synchronized swimming.
8. Drunken yacht races.
7. Charades in pajamas.
6. Endurance squatting.
5. Apartment hunting.
4. Perpetually upside-down kayaks.
3. Speed-walking with a bad rash.
2. Uneven parallel bars for guys with uneven arms.
1. Rhythmic blinking.
Top 10 Things Perot Found Out About the Bush Family -- June 24, 1992
10. George ran over first wife with riding mower.
9. Even at the White House, whole family sleeps inside R.V. in driveway.
8. Use tax dollars to send out for Chinese food.
7. At home, they all speak with thick Mexican accents.
6. Naked George Bush often "surprised" by tour groups.
5. Neil Bush is hooked on phonics.
4. Like most Americans, the First Family still hasn't signed up for NBC's
Olympic Triplecast.
3. Barbara is thinking of voting for Perot.
2. Japanese have them on the payroll just to screw things up.
1. Quayle was Millie's suggestion.
Top 10 Surprises in the U.N. Sex Study -- June 25, 1992
10. Of the 100 million acts of love daily, most occur in Bill Clinton's
campaign van.
9. Paulina Porizkova actually sleeps with Ric Ocasek.
8. When reaching sexual climax, 45% of women shout the word, "Ebert."
7. Instead of the stork, children in Malaysia are told babies are brought
by Dick Enberg.
6. 65 million times a day someone says, "I'll call you."
5. Only 36% of electricians actually do make betters lovers.
4. It wouldn't kill Warren Beatty to lose 10 pounds.
3. 75% of all edible underwear purchased by the Portuguese.
2. A woman in the United States has an orgasm every 3.4 seconds -- and
that woman never gets and housework done!
1. Every 12 seconds, somebody has a drink with a Kennedy.
Top 10 Experiments on the Shuttle Shuttle Columbia -- June 26, 1992
10. Dispense delightful potpourri air freshener over New Jersey.
9. Study effect of zero gravity on Lee Press-on Nails.
8. Create and test new Tang-based cocktails.
7. Get some feedback on the redesigned in-flight magazine.
6. Astronauts already weightless; how will Slim-Fast diet affect them?
5. See how five MTV teenagers get along living in the same shuttle cabin.
4. Double check the muffler repair job done at Sears Automotive Center.
3. Is Ebert visible from orbit?
2. Stay up really late; see if they get all giggly.
1. Aim camcorder at White House for Ross Perot.
Top 10 Demands of the Striking French Truck Drivers - July 7, 1992
10. No more mandatory showers.
9. A government-imposed vasectomy for Orville Redenbacher.
8. Take speed bumps out of Chunnel.
7. Close Sears Auto Center in Nice.
6. No longer required to keep Grey Poupon in glove compartment.
5. Truck stop bidets.
4. No penalty for running Yugos off the road.
3. Bumper stickers reading: "If you don't like my driving, mangez-moi!"
2. Louis XIV-style fuel pumps.
1. Brie-filled air bags.
Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Babysitter - July 8, 1992
10. Keeps asking, "The kids are the shorts ones, right?"
9. Saw her on "Jeopardy" during "Bad Babysitters Week."
8. Kids start using a lot of prison slang.
7. When you offer her a tip, she says, "I've already taken care of it."
6. First question she asks is, "Where do you hide the booze?"
5. Kids become hooked on phonics.
4. She nervously asks, "You don't watch 'Americas's Most Wanted' do you?"
3. While sitting at restaurant, you recognize her at next table.
2. Every time you call to check in, the phone is answered by a fireman.
1. While you were gone, she signed you up for the Olympic TripleCast.
Top 10 Reasons Ross Perot's Popularity Is Slipping - July 9, 1992
10. Increasing voter fear that he is a space alien.
9. Most people think he died in the quake.
8. Revelation that he made first billion from Sears automotive.
7. Shouldn't have appeared naked on cover of "Vanity Fair."
6. Growing suspicion that none of us are going to see a dime out of this.
5. Choked in pole vault.
4. Mistake to show up at last press conference in huge afro wig.
3. Everyone got tired of listening to a rich guy shoot off his mouth.
2. Admission that during '88 Democratic Convention he was other guy in Rob
Lowe tape.
1. Stopped dating Madonna.
Top 10 Ways the Olympics Would Be Different If They Were Held in Las
Vegas - July 10, 1992
10. Craps would be a demonstration sport.
9. You win a gold medal: your room, all your meals - comped.
8. NBC TripleCast would still lose $150 million.
7. Olympic judges replaced by pit bosses.
6. Clear 7' 11" in high jump - win a million dollars.
5. Sequined shot puts.
4. Scoreboard shows medal count and keno numbers.
3. Male gymnasts guaranteed work with Siegfried and Roy.
2. Topless synchronized swimming.
1. Medals would be bronze, silver, and gold lame.
Visiting Delegates' Top 10 Complaints About New York - July 14, 1992
10. No matter how many times you say "no," Dukakis insists on squeegeeing
your window.
9. Batman doesn't respond to Bat Signal.
8. Street pretzels same as ones sold at 1980 convention.
7. Fake Rolexes here cost more than real Rolexes back home.
6. Guy who claimed to be "pocket inspector" just common thief.
5. How do I figure proper tip for ambulance drivers?
4. So-called "ATM doormen" charge exorbitant fees.
3. Police shoot first, give directions later.
2. Still haven't seen Paul Tsongas in bathing suit.
1. Everywhere you look - Regis!
Top 10 Signs You Won't Be Re-Elected President - July 15, 1992
10. At fund-raising dinners guests ask you, "Can we have some more butter
please?"
9. Whenever you use phrase. "If I'm re-elected" in speech, crowd bursts
into 10 minutes of uproarious laughter.
8. Wife keeps reassuring you she can get work as mall Santa.
7. Quayle's on your ticket.
6. When you ask your campaign manager advice, he shrugs and says, "Beats me."
5. Carvel turns their President Bush cake into "Bushy the Whale."
4. Instead of "Four more years" supporters chant "Six more months."
3. Your pinhead son loses $3 billion in savings and loan scandal.
2. Your State of the Union address is pre-empted by a "Who's-the-Boss-a-Thon."
1. "Other" beats you in polls.
Top 10 Reasons Ross Perot Dropped Out of the Presidential Race - July 16, 1992
10. Barber's orders.
9. Afraid reporters wouldn't be able to see him behind podium during press
conferences.
8. Found out how much the job paid.
7. Committed one too many "fashion don'ts."
6. Tailfins kept falling off Perotmobile.
5. Suddenly remembered he's Mexican.
4. Nobody proofread wording of petitions; George Peppard now on ballot in
24 states.
3. Several acres of $100 bills need ironing and restacking.
2. Ate too many cheeseburgers, now just wants to sleep.
1. Blisters!
Top 10 Things Overheard During Bill Clinton's Speech - July 17, 1992
10. "Did he just say he was going to create 15 million new dogs?"
9. "I'm sorry, sir. There's no 'Mondale' on the guest list."
8. "I can't believe this! He's staring right at me! He wants me to come on
stage and dance with him!"
7. "Screw this. I'm voting for the old guy who did those one-arm push-ups."
6. "Would you please get off my lap, Senator Kennedy?"
5. "Damn! Why can't I change the channel? Oh, because I'm actually here."
4. "Run for your lives - it's Woodrow Wilson!"
3. "I wish they'd stop pointing the TV cameras at me whenever he says
something about gay rights."
2. "Let's go Dukakis - those balloons aren't gonna inflate themselves."
1. "Thank god he didn't bring that sax."
Top 10 Reasons Bush Shouldn't Drop Quayle - July 21, 1992
10. Would risk losing the moron vote.
9. Combined President/Vice-President golf handicap would soar.
8. He always brings the keg to state dinners.
7. Shame to waste smart guy in vice-presidency.
6. He has lock on pretty-boy airhead vote.
5. Is best Vice-President in history at hiding Easter eggs.
4. Reebok would have to scrap $25 million Dan vs. Al campaign.
3. He's almost housebroken.
2. Just because he's stupid doesn't mean he shouldn't hold second-highest
office in the land.
1. He's a real looker.
Top 10 Things Overheard on the Clinton/Gore Campaign Bus - July 22, 1992
10. "Slow down! A convertible full of babes."
9. "OK Hillary, you pretend you're the naive motorist and I'll be the angry
state policeman."
8. "My lifelong dream: entering a Howard Johnson's through a bus lane."
7. "I forgot again - am I Thelma or Louise?"
6. "Is that Jerry Brown hitchhiking?"
5. "Never mind my energy policy - let's see if this whale can do 100!"
4. "Tipper, are you crazy? You don't moon truckers."
3. "It's day five, Al. Would a shower kill you?"
2. "Look out! It's Ben Vereen!"
1. "No, Ma'am, this isn't the trash train."
Top 10 Signs You've Gone To a Bad Hypnotist - July 23, 1992
10. When you come to, he's wearing your clothes.
9. You now own 19 Juice Tigers.
8. Days after your appointment, strangers come up to you on the street saying
how much they enjoyed you in that live-sex show.
7. Everywhere you look: giant, whistling squirrels.
6. He tells you your wallet is blocking the alpha rays - better let him
hold it.
5. He says, "You're getting very... uh... slippery - no, that's not it."
4. Anytime someone says the word "hello" you find yourself naked in Syracuse.
3. Suddenly you remember him from shop class.
2. Instead of tapping into your subconscious, he just waits for you to doze
off and then yells stuff at you.
1. You wake up married to Doug Henning.
Top 10 Reasons Bush Should Dump Quayle - July 24, 1992
10. Getting harder and harder to drag him away form his ant farm.
9. Dairy Queen how hiring.
8. Too time consuming for Pentagon to prepare all his briefings in comic-
book format.
7. Keeps eating White House gold fish.
6. Was fooling around with phone and accidentally ordered Olympic TripleCast.
5. Tired of wasting valuable time in cabinet meetings untangling him from
phone cord.
4. He and Barbara hugging just a little too long lately.
3. Secret Service tired of bathing him.
2. With advancing age, he's starting to lose his keen intellectual edge.
1. Throws like a girl.
Two weeks off for 1992 Summer Olympics
Top 10 Perks of Dating the President - August 11, 1992
10. Can listen in on extension when President calls winning Superbowl
locker room.
9. Get to try out Calvin Coolidge's "Shanghai sling" device in Lincoln bedroom.
8. Three words: Chief Executive hickies.
7. Special pass that allows you to hunt spotted owl.
6. Endless supply of red, white, and blue condoms.
5. Anyone who cuts you off in traffic is immediately deported.
4. Postmaster General personally delivers your mail.
3. Get to ride on Air Force One, if you know what I mean.
2. He lets you pay your taxes in "love bucks."
1. Ten percent discount on stamps.
Top 10 Signs You're on a Bad Cruise - August 12, 1992
10. Larry Csonka keeps hogging the exercycle.
9. There are always barnacles in your pants.
8. Strolling the deck one night you notice hundreds of rats frantically
diving off the ship.
7. You hit an iceberg and many die.
6. The entertainment provided is old "Knight Rider" tapes.
5. When you get three miles out the captain yells: "Let's kill us some whales!"
4. Puerto Vallarta looks a lot more like Newark than in brochure.
3. You wake up wearing Gavin MacLeod's underwear.
2. Navigation chart is place mat from Red Lobster.
1. Everywhere you look - Kathie Lee!
Top 10 Ways Bush Can Still Win the Election - August 13, 1992
10. Bomb the living crap out of Norway.
9. Announce he's entering a 12-step program for recovering dweebs.
8. Start calling himself the "bed-ucation President."
7. Invent really delicious new kind of sandwich.
6. Free crack.
5. Change "War on Drugs" to "War on Doug Henning."
4. Go around throwing up on bad guys.
3. Compose rap song paying tribute to women with big butts.
2. Stop referring to James Baker as his "longtime companion."
1. Keep spotted owl in pants.
Top 10 Other Things George and Barbara Disagree About - August 14, 1992
10. The key lime pie at Sizzler.
9. Which one's Canada and which one's Mexico.
8. Whose turn it is to feed Marlin Fitzwater.
7. He likes sex once a month. She doesn't.
6. The Vice-President's bedtime.
5. Is the "repeat" step in the shampoo process really necessary?
4. Abe Vigoda: dead or alive?
3. Whether they should start looking for a new house right now.
2. Proper number of dates before a president sleeps with his secretary.
1. What's the deal with Bruce Jenner?
Top 10 Surprises in the Reagan Speech - August 18, 1992
10. Part where he took credit for inventing sniglets.
9. His statement that "maybe we should give communism a try."
8. Reference to Dan Quayle as "somebody I wouldn't mind sharing a bunk with."
7. Suggestion that Bush start working on his concession speech.
6. Can't remember if he had Jennifer Fitzgerald.
5. He turned Bush on to Halcion.
4. Ron Reagan Jr. is romantically involved with Woody Allen.
3. He kept calling Bush, Perot.
2. Revelation that drugs aren't only things Nancy says no to.
1. He was lipsynching.
Top 10 Reasons Wayne Newton Went Bankrupt - August 19, 1992
10. Got drunk and loaned credit cards to Willie Nelson.
9. Price of hair oil rose a penny per gallon.
8. On a whim decided to see how much cash he could eat.
7. Paid too much for his muffler.
6. Invested savings in this great idea where people could watch the
Olympics all day on three channels.
5. Mr. Bigshot always had to have fries with that.
4. Briefly dated Marla Maples.
3. Nevada's exorbitant moustache tax.
2. Kids demanded money back from his Wayne's World theme park.
1. Took cab from LaGuardia to midtown.
Top 10 Ways the U. S. Is Better Off than It Was Four Years Ago
- August 20, 1992
10. More beach days thanks to greenhouse effect.
9. Unemployed have more people to pal around with.
8. Four years ago Home Shopping Club only sold junk.
7. Spuds McKenzie off the air.
6. Martin Sheen has no more children going into acting.
5. In 1988 Michael Jackson still had nose number three.
4. Louis Gossett Jr. now appears in all movies.
3. Few annoying spotted owls hooting in backyard.
2. Used to wonder what a really fat Bill Cosby would look like.
1. Studs.
Top 10 Signs Your Marriage Isn't Working - August 21, 1992
10. Wife is always leaving dinner table to go on dates.
9. You play along while watching "Divorce Court."
8. You're married to a member of the British Royal family.
7. Whenever you feel romantic your spouse says, "Pipe down, 'Who's the
Boss' is on."
6. You're dating your stepdaughter.
5. Dom never seems to initiate sex anymore (Mrs. DeLuise only).
4. Your wife keeps introducing different handsome young guys as her brother
Tommy.
3. You see your spouse on "Love Connection."
2. The marriage counselor you go to has a nude picture of your wife on his
desk.
1. Your wife's name is Elizabeth Taylor.
Top 10 Surprising Revelations in the New Columbus Movie - August 25, 1992
10. Columbus cheated at shuffleboard.
9. Had touch football games on deck between guys who thought Earth was round an
d guys who thought Earth was flat.
8. Boat was full of exciting celebrity stowaways.
7. Right before spotting land Columbus quenched thirst with can of
refreshing Pepsi.
6. Had robot friend named R2D2.
5. Also discovered Stove Top Stuffing.
4. Sarcastically named Virgin Islands after notoriously easy Queen Isabella.
3. Fourth ship which didn't make it: the Yugo.
2. Crew often beat him up for wearing brightly colored tights.
1. Earth flat; Brando round.
Top 10 Ways To Annoy a Flight Attendant - August 26, 1992
10. Make loud propeller noises with your mouth for duration of flight.
9. Ask for blanket, run up and down aisle pretending to be a ghost.
8. Giggle uncontrollably each time she says "duty free."
7. Maintain emergency landing position for entire flight.
6. Date her for 12 years, put her in all your movies, then start dating her
daughter.
5. Push call button. Ask for pancakes. Repeat.
4. Hypnotize seat mate into not returning tray table to original and
upright locked position.
3. Ask whether salisbury steak can be used as flotation device.
2. Fill air sickness bag with coleslaw. Toss at movie screen.
1. Keep calling her "Mommy."
Top 10 Signs Your Neighbor Is a Televangelist - August 27, 1992
10. Crew from "60 Minutes" always parked outside.
9. He giggles every time you mention the word "taxes."
8. Gets struck by lightning all the time.
7. When your kids come home from playing at his house they call you Satan.
6. Says if you don't help him rake the leaves, God will kill you.
5. You see Jessica Hahn mowing yard.
4. Cadillacs! Cadillacs! Cadillacs!
3. When you ask for your barbecue tongs back he breaks down in tears and
says,"I have sinned!"
2. Has really bad southern college named after him.
1. Everywhere you look - hookers!
Top 10 Signs You're Lacking Family Values - August 28, 1992
10. You take your kids for back-to-school tattoos.
9. You have a viewing party whenever a friend or family member is featured.
8. Your Swiss chalet is crawling with Jennifers.
7. You're a fictional TV character having a baby out of wedlock.
6. You're dating your stepdaughter.
5. You go to your kids' school open house in something crotchless.
4. In fight over last pork chop, you stab Grandpa with a fork.
3. Family gatherings often turn into hostage situation.
2. You refer to your children as "drinkin' buddies."
1. Every member of your family has been on "Oprah."
Top 10 Signs President Bush Is Panicking - September 1, 1992
10. More references to KFC's popcorn chicken in speeches.
9. Has been urging Barbara to show a little more leg at campaign appearances.
8. Flew to Georgia to throw rocks at Bill Clinton's bus.
7. Has started hoarding peanuts from Air Force One.
6. Has scheduled start of Desert Storm II for next Tuesday at noon.
5. New slogan: "Me so horny!"
4. Recently shot Barbara in the foot thinking she was a prowler.
3. White House vending machine now stocked with Halcion.
2. Calls Jim Baker "Mommy."
1. Nude press conferences.
Top 10 Signs EuroDisney Is Losing Money - September 2, 1992
10. Costumed characters now beg visitors for food.
9. Nobody fooled by new ride "Trash Mountain."
8. Huey, Dewey, and Louie taking year off from college to work in salmon-
packing plant.
7. Cable disconnected in Tomorrowland.
6. All French staff suddenly very courteous.
5. Goofy just doesn't give a damn anymore.
4. Snow White's looking real dingy.
3. Cinderella's Castle now plastered with ads for Red Man chewing tobacco.
2. Person in Minnie Mouse costume offering businessmen sensual massages.
1. Everywhere you look - rats.
Top 10 Reasons Jose Canseco Was Traded - September 3, 1992
10. Team found out he lied about Ph.D. on resume.
9. Kept pestering teammates to buy Mary Kay cosmetics.
8. Throws like a girl.
7. Instead of catching fly balls, just yells, "Heads up!"
6. Tried to cork the bat boy.
5. Teammates got tired of him asking, "Have I told you guys how much
they're paying me?"
4. Developed irrational fear of "the wave."
3. Accused of having wandering eyes in team shower.
2. Not enough room on the bench for his fat ass.
1. Two words: pregnant mascot.
Top 10 Things George Bush Can Accomplish in Remaining 58 Days
- September 4, 1992
10. Legally change everyone's name in country to Linda.
9. Exercise the "pocket veto" a few more times (if you know what I mean).
8. Fly to every state, perform vote-inducing Mambo.
7. Tamper with White House salt shakers before Clintons move in.
6. Nail Madonna.
5. Get his son Neil to embezzle a few million and hightail it to Switzerland.
4. Based on the last four years, nothing.
3. Have sex twice.
2. Bomb the hell out of some candy-ass country.
1. Carefully pack.
Top 10 Bad Things About Living To Be 400 Years Old - September 8, 1992
10. Creams and lotions claiming to make you look 350 never work.
9. Seems like every 75 years you have to learn how to use some new-fangled
zipper.
8. Hair doesn't have the luster it did when you were 175.
7. Can never remember where you parked the spaceship.
6. Would have to pay alimony to 80 ex-wives (Larry King only).
5. Having lived so long and seen so much, the plot lines on "Murder She
Wrote"don't seem that damn surprising.
4. Disco might come back.
3. Trying to bounce your 320-year-old great-grandson on your knee.
2. You'll probably end up married to Liz Taylor at least once.
1. Everywhere you look - knickknacks.
Top 10 Ways To Make Chess More Exciting - September 9, 1992
10. Lose a piece, do a shot.
9. Under one of the squares on the chessboard: the Daily Double!
8. Topless queens.
7. Players must wear painful helmets.
6. Get rid of Fay Vincent.
5. Have that Madonna play - she'll find some way to jazz it up, believe you me.
4. At any time player may call: "slap fight!"
3. Every time you capture a piece you get a nice fresh grape.
2. Strap chessboard to back of irritable donkey.
1. Mystery exploding piece.
Top 10 Signs Your Local TV News Team Is Really Stupid - September 10, 1992
10. Sometimes spend entire broadcast straightening papers.
9. Co-anchors wear matching T-shirts that say "I'm with stupid."
8. Official nightly sign-off is "Bye-bye Mr. Camera."
7. Last 20 minutes of newscast devoted to corrections.
6. Lead story always has something to do with goats.
5. During interview, police chief asks reporter, "What are you - some kind
of moron?"
4. Coming back from commercial you can see them spinning in their chairs.
3. In middle of story about city council, reporter asks if he can have some
cake.
2. Anchorman often giggles and says "Whoa boy! Here comes another Japanese
name!"
1. Constantly licking camera lens.
Top 10 Signs Your President Is a Liar - September 11, 1992
10. The Rolex he sold you doesn't feel like real gold.
9. Secret Service name is "Big Fat Liar."
8. Says he was at Julia and Kiefer's wedding.
7. Gets all shifty-eyed every time he denies that he's a pawn of Satan.
6. He asks for "just one lick" of your vanilla cone and then goes nuts
with it.
5. Twice in one night? Come on!
4. New evidence that Operation Desert Storm was staged in Nevada.
3. Says he lives in hotel 1,000 miles from his actual home.
2. Tries to pass his Mom off as his wife.
1. Claims he actually is Harry Truman.
Top 10 Reasons Perot May Re-Enter the Race - September 22, 1992
10. Great way to get America excited about his new low fat "Perogurt."
9. Mind control ray from planet Saturn once again coming through loud and
clear.
8. When asked if he could win, Magic Eight Ball said, "Yes, definitely."
7. Started to enjoy jokes about his enormously large comic ears.
6. Two words: campaign tail.
5. Whenever he takes garbage out, wife says, "I'll bet the _president_
doesn't have to do that."
4. He's found some qualified homosexuals and adulterers to fill his cabinet.
3. Cheap publicity stunt to promote his new movie with Mia Farrow.
2. Heard the White House fridge is packed with Steak 'Ums.
1. He's just plain nuts.
Top 10 Other Medical Revelations - September 23, 1992
10. Certs not really two mints in one.
9. We're using 100% of our brains all the time; things aren't going to get
anybetter.
8. Lab monkeys are good kissers.
7. For extra yelping, keep stethoscope in freezer.
6. Turns out Norwegians are much, much dumber than Swedes.
5. Scientists actually can't tell one damn lab rat from another.
4. People live longer if their name is "Jimmy."
3. Much like a cow, Tommy Lasorda has multiple stomachs.
2. "Turn you head and cough" just old medical school prank.
1. Most perfect food? Salami.
Top 10 Debate Conditions Demanded by Bush - September 24, 1992
10. Bush shirts, Clinton skins.
9. After Bush speaks, moderator must add, "He's right, you know."
8. Swimsuit competition counts for at least 30%.
7. After debate Clinton can't do Arsenio for two weeks.
6. At all times Clinton must be referred to as "Mule Boy."
5. No questions about last four years.
4. Adopt "Family Feud" format.
3. Bush: fancy cedar podium; Clinton: paper hat and milk crate.
2. Clinton must be in full hillbilly regalia.
1. Answers must be in the form of a question.
Top 10 Voter Pet Peeves - September 25, 1992
10. You find a guy in your booth trying on pants.
9. Polling place workers won't let you bring your monkey into the booth.
8. You try to vote when you're really drunk and end up buying a pack of
Newports.
7. Election Day has gotten so commercialized, people forget it's about Jesus.
6. That both of these truly outstanding candidates can't be the winner.
5. Candidates who ask you to read their lips, and they've got a little
piece of food in the corner of their mouth.
4. You spend a week painting "Vote for Perot" on your family car and he
drops out.
3. You spend a week scraping "Vote for Perot" off your family car and he's
back in.
2. Getting exit-polled, if you know what I mean.
1. No candidates named "Lou."
Top 10 Things that Would Convince Perot To Get Back in the Race
- September 29, 1992
10. Voices in his head urge him to go to Washington as new president and
kill Sam Donaldson.
9. No promises, but he really likes those Mounds bars.
8. One night with Debbie, the official White House concubine.
7. Some kind of sign from God, like a riot in L.A. or a hurricane in Florida.
6. Claudia Schiffer pretends to be his girlfriend for a week.
5. Oprah's undying love.
4. Promise that when his face is carved into Mt. Rushmore, ears will remain
actual size.
3. His accountants point out huge opportunities for President Perot's sons
in the savings and loan industry.
2. One soft, sweet kiss from Larry King.
1. Lower podiums.
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Veterinarian - September 30, 1992
10. When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably, "Monkey?"
9. Two weeks later your dog coughs up a rubber glove.
8. Big sign in waiting room: "No pets allowed."
7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant.
6. Always saying, "I've got a tick bomb in my pants!"
5. Sends you card every spring: "Time for your dog's annual neutering."
4. First question: "What ails your varmint?"
3. He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights.
2. He himself wears one of those big funnel-shaped dog collars.
1. He bites.
Top 10 Signs Perot Is Planning To Drop Out Again - October 1, 1992
10. He's back _in_ again.
9. Hasn't bothered to change answering machine message that says, "Hi, I'm
outof the race right now...."
8. He's got that faraway look in his eye that he always gets right before
he drops out.
7. Hasn't canceled his month-long trip to Germany for Oktoberfest.
6. A reporter asked him about an issue.
5. Whenever someone says, "I'm going to vote for you," he says, "Huh? Oh
yeah, great."
4. New campaign slogan: "I'm your man 'til Columbus Day."
3. Overheard saying, "The cramps have started again."
2. He's already scheduled a Larry King interview to make "an important
announcement."
1. Accepted job at Dairy Queen.
Top 10 Conversational Ice Breakers for Cross-Country Bus Passengers
- October 2, 1992
10. "If the cops search the bus, I'm your brother Eddie, OK?"
9. "The sign says no spitting, but they never enforce it."
8. "Where's the stewardess?"
7. "I'll bet you're wondering if I'm sitting back here, then who's driving
the bus now?"
6. "Hello. My name is Bill Clinton."
5. "I've got bus rash!"
4. "Hey fatty, off my leg!"
3. "Ever hear of the Olympic TripleCast? That was my idea."
2. "I'd like to have sex with you and I don't want to have to pay for it."
1. "May I call you Mommy?"
Sinead O'Connor's Top 10 Complaints about the Pope - October 6, 1992
10. They screwed up her vinyl roof at the Vatican car wash.
9. Never around when she needs help picking Lotto numbers.
8. Snubbed her at the Grammys.*
7. Always telling people he got that big ring for winning '86 Super Bowl.
6. Doesn't let anyone else drive the Popemobile.
5. Improperly uses piety to get hefty discounts at the Gap.
4. At the movies, won't remove his 8-foot hat.
3. The way he's always entering and then quitting the presidential race.
2. The time he said, "I don't date, but if I did, I wouldn't date no bald
chick."
1. Never picks up a check.
*Original #8 before NBC's forced editing: His holier-than-thou attitude.
Top 10 Signs Your Kid Is Out of Shape - October 7, 1992
10. Instead of teddy bear, sleeps with a cheeseburger.
9. While playing in yard, he's knocked unconscious by a moth.
8. He asks you to give him a ride from the living room to the den.
7. Won't get out of bed until the pies arrive.
6. He can't even tear up a picture of the Pope.
5. Whenever he walks around in new corduroys, neighbors yell, "Keep it down!"
4. You hear him in his room saying, "Man! These CDs are heavy!"
3. You let him stay up past his bedtime and he can't.
2. When you drive by the McDonald's, the staff comes out to wave at your kid.
1. Known around town as "Elvis."
Top 10 Little-Known Debate Rules - October 8, 1992
10. Each candidate may kick off the proceedings with one limerick.
9. After particularly good answer, moderator may wink at candidate.
8. Must provide people in front with drop cloth before smashing melon with
giant mallet.
7. Unless it pertains to an issue, no squatting.
6. Bernard Shaw not allowed to hide under moderator's table.
5. No triple suplexes - double suplexes, sure, but no triple suplexes.
4. Maximum of two tickets to the debate for candidates girlfriends.
3. After taking drink of water, candidate must say, "Damn, that's tasty water!"
2. Candidates may compare themselves to J.F.K. only in terms of screwing
around.
1. No bicycle pants.
Top 10 Most Frequently Recalled Fisher Price Toys - October 9, 1992
10. My First Machete
9. Fragile Glass Vial of Mercury
8. "Dad's Little Bartender"
7. Balsawood 2000: Bargain Pogo Stick
6. The Yugo
5. Grab the Cop's Gun: A Game of Skill
4. "My Tummy's a Pincushion" Kit
3. G.I. Joe Garagiola
2. "Now It's Too Hot!!" - The Hot Plate Game
1. The Hairiest Ken Doll Ever
Top 10 Ways Quayle Prepared for the Debate - October 13, 1992
10. Learned to say "rebuttal" without giggling.
9. Had hole drilled in skull to let out some of the pressure.
8. Bought enough candy to last 90 minutes.
7. Read book of inspirational stories about dumb guys who went up against
smart guys - and won!
6. Bounced a few ideas off Millie.
5. Streamlined story of time his National Guard unit was pinned down for
hours by a scrappy dachshund.
4. Two words: Cliff Notes.
3. Memorized really snappy comeback to that "You're no Jack Kennedy" line.
2. Reread his "How a Bill Becomes a Law" comic book.
1. Worked on his putting.
Top 10 Surprises in Last Night's Debate - October 14, 1992
10. Dan Quayle looks cute when he pretends to be angry.
9. The way Tipper kept making out with Michael Bolton in front row.
8. Stockdale, Quayle, and Gore are "sauna buddies."
7. When all the talk about "trickle down" theories made Quayle ask to be
excused for just a minute.
6. Gennifer Flowers also guilty of "pulling a Clinton."
5. The way Gore's family kept yelling, "Good answer! Good answer!"
4. All three candidates agree that Madonna is a slut.
3. When an angry Buddy Ebsen stood up in the audience and demanded his hair bac
k from Stockdale.
2. Al Gore's got bigger thighs than Bette Midler.
1. Those amazing Georgia Tech cheerleaders!
Top 10 Signs You're Losing the Presidential Debate - October 15, 1992
10. You begin wondering if working at McDonalds is as much fun as it is in
the commercials.
9. Wife stars flirting with Sam Donaldson.
8. In audience, your father tears his clothing and yells, "I have no son!"
7. After every statement you make, moderator chuckles and says, "Whoops!"
6. Michael Dukakis is giving you "thumbs up" in front row.
5. Only mild, polite applause when you B.S. about how much you love America.
4. Circus music plays, the audience stands, and a dunce cap is lowered onto
your head.
3. Doberman in audience smells your fear and starts chasing you around podium.
2. Cameraman peeks around camera and mouths the words, "You suck."
1. Your name is George Bush.
Top 10 Signs Our Nation's Infrastructure Is Crumbling - October 16, 1992
10. Grand Canyon now eight feet wide.
9. Trains must perform Evel Knievel-style jumps to compensate for missing
bridges.
8. Face of Hoover Dam is a crazy-quilt of different kinds of string and tape.
7. Introduction of new Ben & Jerry's flavor "Nutty, Crumbled Infrastructure."
6. New York City potholes now available as studio apartments.
5. Tom Brokaw is forced to fry bacon with his eyes.
4. New York Public Library recently collapsed when guy leaned against it.
3. When driving on I-95, often find yourself in center of Earth.
2. Hairline cracks beginning to appear in Barbara Bush.
1. Three words: West Side Highway.
Top 10 Ways Bush Planned To Disrupt Perot's Daughter's Wedding
- October 27, 1992
10. When bride says, "I do," yell, "Speak up, tubby!"
9. Exercise little-known presidential "wedding veto."
8. Get drunk, get up on stage, and sing, "You and Me Against the World."
7. Three words: Rev. Rip Taylor.
6. Airdrop doctored photos of Perot nailing a metermaid.
5. Replace ushers with incontinent monkeys.
4. Have Dan Quayle stand in back of church and yell, "I had her!"
3. Push Admiral Stockdale into wedding cake.
2. The same way Honest Abe himself would have done it: stilts and a kazoo.
1. Super itchy garter.
Top 10 Signs You're a Fringe Presidential Candidate - October 28, 1992
10. Mother unwilling to "throw away her vote" on you.
9. Every time you kiss a baby, someone calls the cops.
8. Secret Service assigns you their college intern "Skip."
7. Your party's convention is cut short when the manager kicks you out of
Wendy's.
6. Your slogan is: "It's time we put a midget in charge of things."
5. In an interview from prison, Manson calls you "that nut case."
4. Your letters to the editor are printed under the heading "Today's
Chuckle."
3. When you announce your candidacy, you get a standing ovation from the
other patients.
2. Every morning mailman says, "Letter for you, Mr. President," then laughs
hysterically.
1. One word: scootercade.
Top 10 Reasons Clinton Is Losing His Lead - October 29, 1992
10. Ill-advised new slogan: "Vote Bush."
9. Bad idea to tell Larry King, "I'm going to tax these pinheads till
they're drier than Death Valley."
8. Drank too much grape soda.
7. Voters turned off by his vision of a "nation of hillbillies."
6. Bush's new campaign promise to neuter that guy in the Burger King
commercials.
5. Voters wonder how such a handsome man could possibly understand the
problems of ordinary people.
4. Promised to hit home run for sick child, grounded weakly to short.
3. People seem to have realized he's kind of a load.
2. More and more people like the idea of a tiny insane billionaire running
things.
1. Stockdalemania!
Top 10 Ways Dumb Voters Decide Who To Vote For - October 30, 1992
10. Ask a smart person, vote the opposite way.
9. Listen for clues from Vanna.
8. Whichever guy has that cool-sounding "voodoo economics."
7. Find out who that "Dorf on Golf" guy is supporting.
6. Stick hand in blender: one finger left, vote Bush; two fingers left,
Clinton
5. Carefully analyze pie charts, get craving for pie, eat pie.
4. Heads - Bush; tails - Quayle.
3. If he's talking about a tax on Steak-Umms, forget it.
2. Ask self, "Am I more dumb now than I was four years ago?"
1. One word: Nixon.
Top 10 Signs Bill Clinton Has Gone Mad with Power - November 4, 1992
10. Ruled that Hawaii isn't really a state.
9. Has been asking staff members, "Do I get to be on dollar bills and
stuff?"
8. Promised Amtrak will run on time.
7. Faxed photos of his head to Mt. Rushmore.
6. First cabinet appointment? Elle MacPherson.
5. In front of cheering crowd in Little Rock, bit off three of his own
finger.
4. Ripped down Quayle's drawings from White House refrigerator.
3. Banished Ross Perot to a Mexican zoo.
2. Announced that on special days, he will serve as the first lady.
1. Keeps calling country "Clintonia."
Top 10 Mistakes in Bush's Campaign Strategy - November 5, 1992
10. Ill-advised speech at every campaign stop entitled, "Screw You and Your
Miserable Little Lives."
9. Trying to show sensitivity by open-mouth kissing Bob Dole.
8. Fitzwater in a miniskirt.
7. Turned off many potential voters with his naked interpretive dance to "
Baby I'ma Want You."
6. Scheduled Desert Storm a year too early.
5. The vomiting was funny the first time, but at the end of every rally?
4. Barbara refusing to show more leg.
3. During final train tour, shouldn't have kept taking a leak off back of
caboose.
2. Senseless negative ads showing Dukakis shoplifting.
1. Dan Quayle is no Stockdale.
Top 10 Things the Quayles Have To Do Before January 20th - November 6, 1992
10. Fill out Dan's Dairy Queen application.
9. Stock up on Defense Dept. hair shellac for Marilyn.
8. Begin difficult process of teaching Dan a new address.
7. Erase "I can't believe I'm Vice-President" doodles from desk.
6. Get cushy jobs from one of President's deadbeat sons.
5. Break news to Dan that he wasn't re-elected.
4. Try to meet Bush.
3. Get Dan's favorite chew toy back from Millie.
2. Explain to their children that Daddy will never hold any kind of
political office ever again.
1. One more blunder for the road.
Top 10 Signs You're in Love with Oprah - November 10, 1992
10. You were the only person who really cared when she put the weight back
on.
9. Your pet name for Chicago: "The Winfrey City."
8. You find yourself saying to her, "No, I don't think you've run out of
topics."
7. You hardly ever think about Nell Carter anymore.
6. There's an electronic tote board in your living room continuously
tallying her net worth.
5. You're in her audience, she calls on you, you can't stand up.
4. When she doesn't have a guest, you agree to cross-dress and marry a
goat.
3. Whenever anyone says, "Oh," you immediately add, "Prah!"
2. You have every Oprah show on tape and keep them in lead-lined,
earthquake-proof vault in the Mojave Desert.
1. The wind cries, "Oprah!"
Top 10 Secret Service Pet Peeves - November 11, 1992
10. Guys with three names who seem way too interested in the President's
itinerary.
9. Barbara all hands.
8. You risk your life for 50 years and all you get is a lousy Timex.
7. When wife says, "Is chicken all right for dinner or is that a _secret_?"
6. Bathing Ronald Reagan.
5. When some kid with a walkie-talkie keeps saying "One Adam 12."
4. Just because you're guarding Quayle people assume you're not very bright
either.
3. When guy you're protecting asks you to do a bomb sweep of his pants.
2. Having to jog slower than Clinton.
1. Beeper rash.
Top 10 Signs No One Likes You - November 12, 1992
10. Every time someone gives you their phone number, it begins "555"....
9. No echo when you tell from edge of Grand Canyon.
8. Every New Year's Eve party you go to breaks up around 10:30.
7. When playing touch football you always seem to be "going long."
6. National Council of Churches agrees that God listens to all prayers
except yours.
5. Your parents introduce you as "an acquaintance."
4. You missed easy grounder to lose sixth game of 1986 World Series.
3. Your name is Richard Burke, you're from Long Island, and you're sitting
in the studio audience right now.
2. MCI operator laughs hysterically when you ask about the Friends and
Family Plan.
1. Three words: Soup for One.
Top 10 Thoughts on Ronald Reagan's Mind at this Moment - November 13, 1992
10. "I guess it's true what they say: 'Hand in toaster - bad.' "
9. "Reach out, turn shiny knob, door will open."
8. "I miss Meese."
7. "These Super Hot Fireballs ain't that hot... oh boy, oooh, oooh, my
tongue, my tongue!"
6. "Now... where do I bury the mailman's body?"
5. "Here, goose, goose, goose... or is that the vacuum cleaner?"
4. "I never got Boy George. I still don't get Boy George. I probably never
will get Boy George."
3. "I wonder what ever happened to that nice Bush fella used to work for me
back east?"
2. "Yeah, yeah, I heard you, you old bag."
1. "Who's frying bologna?"
Top 10 Punchlines to Postal Worker Dirty Jokes - November 17, 1992
10. "That's funny - I could have sworn it was marked 'This end up'!"
9. "Then she says, 'That's the last time I ask for special handling.' "
8. "The very next day his uniform was blue again."
7. " 'Wendy?' And then the mailman says, 'No, it actually says Welcome to
Jamaica. Have a nice day.' "
6. "That's not my mailbag, but don't stop sorting!"
5. "If you can find your keys, we can drive the mail truck, out of here."
4. "The dog still bites me, but now I don't mind so much."
3. "36DDD? That's a strange ZIP code!"
2. "I don't know, but it had Ed McMahon's face on it!"
1. "Any faster and you'd be working for Federal Express."
Top 10 Tips Bush Gave Clinton Today - November 18, 1992
10. Great prank on Gore: fake heart attack.
9. Francois Mitterand hates to be called "Frankie."
8. Channel 61 shows Noriega rotting in his jail cell.
7. Nation's water supply plus methadone equals a couple weeks of peace and
quiet.
6. Sushi - bad.
5. Two or three cocktails and Yeltsin will sign anything.
4. If you're going to bomb the crap out of some small country, do it right
before the election.
3. Clap once for "on," twice for "off."
2. If you lend Clarence Thomas a video, you can kiss it goodbye.
1. Chicks dig Air Force One.
Top 10 Signs Your Next Door Neighbor Is in the Circus - November 19, 1992
10. Frequently seen walking on clothesline.
9. Everywhere you look - sawdust.
8. Four words: freaks on the porch.
7. Even at Tupperware parties, won't give stilts a rest.
6. Whenever you see his wife, your opening line is, "The beard looks nice
today."
5. Every New Year's Eve monkey boy passes out on your lawn.
4. Calls at 7:45 one evening in a panic and asks, "Can anyone over there do
a triple midair backward somersault?"
3. Currently dating Madonna.
2. They all exit and enter through the cat door.
1. Always swallowing your rake.
Top 10 Tips Barbara Bush Gave Hillary Clinton - November 20, 1992
10. After you have Dan Rather at state dinner, count the silverware.
9. Best thing about being First Lady? Free stuff!
8. Two words: ugly secretaries.
7. If you give good quotes to the press, they'll sometimes let you see the
next day's Garfield strip.
6. Nail Michael Bolton.
5. There's an old doll in the cellar you can give Elsie, or whatever her
name is.
4. If you husband is experiencing "Washington grid lock," try a new teddy
from Victoria's Secret.
3. Don't get too much Sun while you're young.
2. When a tour group's around, make sure you're wearing a bra.
1. Don't unpack.
Top 10 Signs You're Watching a Bad Late Night TV Talk Show
- November 24, 1992
10. Monologue consists of host reading day's Erma Bombeck column.
9. They bring out and interview the Smothers Brothers separately.
8. The only comedy on the show is the host's haircut.
7. "We'll be back for more with Joe Piscopo."
6. Bandleader isn't even an American citizen.
5. You recognize the host's desk as the same one Wojo used in "Barney
Miller."
4. Host fills time by reading lame lists.
3. By the end of every show there's at least one stagehand who's lost an
eye.
2. Ain't none of the dudes gettin' it on.
1. Three words: "Guess my weight."
Top 10 Things Clinton Will Do After the Inauguration - November 25, 1992
10. Turn country's economic problems over to someone smart like Einstein.
9. Shout, "I won't be needing this anymore," as he flings toupee into
fireplace.
8. Declaw "Socks."
7. Declaw Hillary.
6. Appoint Gennifer Flowers ambassador to his pants.
5. Track down the Defense Dept. guy who tried to draft him 25 years ago and
fire his ass.
4. Make Gore memorize spelling of common vegetables.
3. Knock back a double Jack and say, "Whiskey Boy's in charge."
2. Pull out his "who-gets-the-finder" list and start flipping.
1. Practice pocket veto.
Top 10 Signs You Have Eaten Too Much - November 26, 1992
10. When you leave the dining room, so does your chair.
9. You start sweating mashed potatoes like a Chia Pet.
8. You wish 100-year-olds happy birthday on TV for a living.
7. Breathalizer shows blood gravy level of more than 0.10%.
6. No one can find the cat.
5. Food not available in your area for several days.
4. Every time you belch, about a gallon of cranberry sauce hits the
wall.
3. Police bomb squad places you gently in a large empty lot, stands
expectantly some distance away.
2. Whenever you get up from your chair, you hear tuba music.
1. The coroner says, "He ate too much."
Top 10 Tips Reagan Gave Clinton - November 27, 1992
10. Be the best Prime Minister you can be.
9. It's comfortable wearing pajamas to work.
8. Always bring a translator to summits - many foreign leaders speak
gibberish.
7. When doing a comedy show, you can't go wrong with a guy eating
deodorant.
6. Don't let that Sinatra guy have "lunch" with your wife.
5. At a loss for words? Just make a long "hehhh" sound.
4. Be nice to Mommy or she'll punish you.
3. You'll never win - Bush's approval rating is too high.
2. See if you can pull some strings and get Ron Jr. into the Navy.
1. Naps! Naps! Naps!
Top 10 Reasons "Cheers" Is Going Off the Air - December 8, 1992
10. They ran out of beer nuts.
9. It's all part of NBC's master plan to stay in third place.
8. Ego of that postman guy out of control, constantly storms off set
shouting, "I _am_ Cheers!"
7. White men can't resist sequels.
6. Unlike this show, they decided to quit when they ran out of ideas.
5. Actors so bored with roles they finish their lines by saying, "Etc.,
etc."
4. Norm's liver now roughly the size of an ottoman.
3. Ted Danson's toupee even more obvious than mine.
2. Realization that if you're going to get really wasted, you don't want to
do
it in a bar where everybody knows you name.
1. Stool rash.
Top 10 Signs You Have Purchased Tainted Soup - December 9, 1992
10. The 800 number for recipe tips is the same as the poison-control center.
9. Every time you put a can in your cupboard roaches scream, "Raid!"
8. It's very crunchy for cream of tomato.
7. When you pay for it, check-out girl says, "You'd better get right with
God."
6. It's called "Port Authority Pea Soup."
5. Fat guy who will eat anything, won't eat it.
4. Celebrity spokesman: Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
3. You get the DMTs: Dinty Moore tremens.
2. Each can has a picture of Rev. Jim Jones saying, "Mmm Mmm Good."
1. Hey! Those ain't oyster crackers!
Top 10 Signs Your Royal Marriage Is in Trouble - December 10, 1992
10. You knight a really good divorce lawyer.
9. You overhear him asking his mother about beheadings.
8. Spouse asks you to return car keys and drawbridge opener.
7. You find a book in his drawer: "How To Pick Up Commoners."
6. You can't remember the least time you saw the crown jewels.
5. You catch some guy named Mario "rescuing the Princess" in the back of
his Chevy.
4. Queen starts shotgunning Old Milwaukee at the dinner table.
3. You see the Princess on "Royal Studs."
2. You have to polish your own scepter.
1. Three words: cubic zirconia tiara.
Top 10 General Electric Holiday Traditions - December 11, 1992
10. Bobbing for light bulbs.
9. Special "blind footless goose born near a G.E. plant" dinner.
8. Replace pink slips with red and green slips.
7. "Party" for employees' kids where they're "invited" to assemble toaster
oven components.
6. Inspirational dumb guy speech by Dan Quayle.
5. If you catch someone under the mistletoe, you get to fire him.
4. Employees get a satchel and 30 seconds to gather all the broken light
bulbs they can.
3. Hire a cheaper Mexican Santa for office party.
2. Staffers gather around the glow of co-workers exposed to radiation in
G.E. power plants.
1. Hookers in elf suits.
Top 10 Things the Bushes Have To Do Before Leaving Office - December 15, 1992
10. Find cushy job for deadbeat son Neil.
9. Send really sarcastic note to campaign manager James Baker.
8. Get the eight CDs for a penny, let the new guy worry about the four at
regular club prices.
7. Scam some lawn furniture for Kennebunkport.
6. Bubble wrap the Halcion.
5. Wake Reagan and put him on a bus.
4. Get Barbara "the works" from government plastic surgeon.
3. Let Dan play with boxes so he gets used to idea of moving.
2. Decide whether to end farewell speech with "Kiss my you-know-what" or
just go ahead and say "ass."
1. Disconnect clapper.
Top 10 Signs You're Not Getting a Christmas Bonus - December 16, 1992
10. Boss buys a new boat; calls it "Employee Bonuses '92."
9. You walk into boss's office in September with your hand out and yell, "
Grease time!"
8. After six months at the Gap, you're still confusing shirts and pants.
7. You didn't rescue boss's campaign (James Baker only).
6. Boss sticks his head in your office door and asks, "You like Fritos,
don't you?"
5. Just as the bonuses are handed out you're shoved into a closet and left
there well into the new year.
4. Your boss catches you licking a photo of his wife.
3. You had this great idea for something you called "The TripleCast."
2. You're Gallagher's assistant and you forgot the watermelons again.
1. You work for G.E.
Top 10 Reasons Dan Quayle Would Be an Asset to a Large Corporation
- December 17, 1992
10. Well rested after four-year vacation.
9. His virile young body a perfect new home for Iacocca brain.
8. Much like a car wreck, customers would come just to gawk.
7. Don't have to worry about him being called away from job in '96.
6. Old head model just broke at Dunce Cap Inc.
5. You can't leak corporate secrets you can't remember.
4. Can be kept quietly occupied for hours watching bubbles go up in the
water cooler.
3. It's just fun to work with a guy who drinks chocolate milk.
2. He ain't much for thinkin', but his back is strong.
1. He's kinda pretty.
Top 10 Signs Santa's Gone Nuts - December 18, 1992
10. Last week he whacked a kid for being naughty.
9. No matter what it is, if it's on the sidewalk, he'll put it in his mouth.
8. Prancer and Dancer replaced by Manson and Hinckley.
7. Keeps calling Blitzen "Mommy."
6. Claims the Republicans tried to disrupt his daughter's wedding.
5. Constantly walks around naked singing "don we now our gay apparel."
4. Last year every single present he left was soaking wet.
3. Ditched Mrs. Claus for her adopted daughter.
2. Quoted as saying favorite part of Christmas night is staring at reindeer
butts for 10 straight hours.
1. Thinking of buying an NBC affiliate.
Top 10 Things That'll Get You Kicked Out of a Department Store
- December 22, 1992
10. Macing a perfume tester.
9. You and a friend each stand in one leg of the extra-large slacks.
8. Announce over K-Mart loudspeaker that for next 15 minutes, all male
shoppers can take a shot at Jaclyn Smith.
7. Try on red-and-white striped sweater, walk around store screaming, "I'm
Waldo!"
6. Repeatedly ask salesman in men's department to measure your inseam.
5. Squeeze into outfit from kids' department, tell clerk you "can't find
Mommy."
4. Your idea of testing a mattress involves a Thermos-full of Rob Roys and
a couple of hookers.
3. Block the down escalator for an hour doing Stairmaster-style workout.
2. Keep shouting from dressing room: "Boy - do I look weird naked!"
1. Licking the mannequins.
Dave's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions - December 23, 1992
10. Pepper my conversation with the word "thick-a-licous."
9. More tea parties for neighborhood dogs.
8. From now on wear pants _every_ day.
7. Get me one of those Elton John page boy haircuts.
6. Write more angry letters to the candy company and see if they'll send me
another free box of Almond Joys.
5. Apologize to the pool boy for the business with the B.B. gun.
4. See a real urologist.
3. Stop wasting my time on those "Jumble" puzzles - they're impossible.
2. Learn to polka so I don't just sit around at wedding receptions.
1. Nail Dinah Shore.
Top 10 Houston Oiler Excuses - January 5, 1993
10. Shouldn't have skipped breakfast - it's the most important meal of the
day!
9. Started giving 109% instead of 110%.
8. Even though fans loved it, shouldn't have replaced Warren Moon with folk
singer Suzanne Vega.
7. Busy making mental tally of football players with girls names: Fran
Tarkenton... Rosey Grier....
6. YOU try tackling those guys - some of them are huge!
5. Bills quarterback kept looking one way, then throwing the other.
4. Wanted to honor another Houstonian who let a big lead in the polls slip
away.
3. "I'm telling you - maybe YOU didn't see Dobermans on the field, but
there WERE Dobermans on the field!"
2. Preoccupied about getting home in time to see all the Amy Fisher movies.
1. Didn't want to go to Disney World.
Top 10 Signs Americans Are Getting Dumber - January 6, 1993
10. Rising tide of complaints that the Clapper is too complicated.
9. More people saying, "Hey, you forgot to take the hanger out of your coat."
8. When asked to name the current president, most say, "Eddie?"
7. 82% of Americans get their news from a pet.
6. Sales of "I'm with Stupid" T-shirts surpassed by sales of "I Am Stupid"
T-shirts.
5. Leading cause of death: forgetting to let go of bowling balls.
4. Frightened crowds always running out of movie theaters screaming, "
Giants! Giants!"
3. 1993 S.A.T. consists of one question: "Hey good lookin' - whatcha got
cookin'?"
2. Upsurge in the number of babies named "Critter."
1. Three Amy Fisher movies.
Top 10 Excuses of the Home Alone Parents - January 7, 1993
10. Airline wasn't running "Kids Fly Free" promotion.
9. That Macaulay Culkin kid was left home alone and he's a millionaire.
8. OK everybody, meet Winnie, the invisible babysitter! Say hi, Winnie!
Go ahead! Winnie?! Winnie?!
7. Unspoken assumption that they'd be taking a later flight.
6. Had to stay behind to fire Ditka.
5. Kids love to be alone at Christmas.
4. Just for the sake of argument, suppose the kids were hats. Now, there's
nothing wrong with leaving a couple hats at home, is there?
3. We haven't had a vacation without the kids since September.
2. Babysitter Amy Fisher didn't show up.
1. Hey, we came back , didn't we?
Top 10 Signs the Guy Who's Pulled You Over Isn't a Real Cop - January 8, 1993
10. He's driving a Mr. Softie truck.
9. Nightstick looks suspiciously like one of those really long Slim Jims.
8. Can't fit you in back of his car because of all the chickens.
7. Rather than "Protect and Serve," his motto is "Lift and Separate."
6. He keeps calling you "Mommy."
5. You're blinded by the glare of his silver cape.
4. Instead of handcuffs, two onion rings and a rubber band.
3. He jumps in the back seat, holds a gun to your head, and says, "Drive me
to Cincinnati."
2. Every other word out of his mouth is "Martians."
1. Hates doughnuts.
Top 10 Campaign Promises Clinton Is Least Likely To Fulfill - January 12, 1993
10. Bring Fred Astaire back to life to dance at the inaugural.
9. Seven-, eight-, nine-, and eleven-dollar bills.
8. Get an albino on the Supreme Court.
7. Keep "Knots Landing" on the air.
6. Somehow keep Roger from embarrassing himself and the nation.
5. Gain no more than 10 lbs. a year.
4. Bomb Sweden until they're cross-eyed.
3. Get hair dyed for Joey Buttafuoco role in upcoming Amy Fisher movie.
2. Federal law giving every male American an equal shot at Gennifer Flowers.
1. Make Al Gore exciting.
Top 10 Problems that Doomed the Around-the-World Balloon Flight
- January 13, 1993
10. Right before lift-off, fat guy from "Cheers" sneaked on.
9. First mate wouldn't quit with the "Up, Up and Away in Our Beautiful
Balloon."
8. Nobody could drive a stick.
7. Navigator insisted on bringing along his collection of good luck anvils.
6. Balloon built by G.E.
5. Those morons at Jiffy Lube.
4. Shouldn't have agreed to deliver huge overflowing box of hat pins.
3. Collided with DHL truck.
2. Wasted all the helium doing Sally Struthers imitations.
1. Someone had their try table down.
Top 10 Real Reasons I'm Leaving NBC - January 14, 1993
10. Heads - CBS; tails - CBS.
9. It just makes sense, since I'm already commuting with Andy Rooney.
8. At last minute, CBS kicked in a new set of Michelins.
7. I've stolen as many G.E. bulbs as I can fit in my garage.
6. In order to grow as an artist, I feel it's important to do the same crap
over at CBS.
5. Tired of being sexually harassed by Bryant.
4. Can't convince them to do another TripleCast.
3. Finally realized not only are they never going to make me anchorman, but
this technically isn't even a news show.
2. CBS had the best Amy Fisher movie.
1. They insist I wear pants.
Top 10 Good Things About Being a Lame Duck President - January 15, 1993
10. Good chance to catch breath before starting your lawn care job.
9. Can grow back the 'fro.
8. "Lame duck president" big improvement over just "lame president."
7. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner: spotted owls.
6. Shows don't have to be very good until we get to CBS.*
5. Run up huge 900-number bill, let Hillbilly Boy worry about it.
4. Hardly any press coverage when you throw up in a world leader's lap.
3. Don't have to suck up to Larry King anymore.
2. Get in a few Quayle jokes of your own.
1. Goodbye cabinet meetings, hello Halcion.
* Good thing about being a lame duck talk-show host.
Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Inauguration
- January 19, 1993
10. Over-inflating the thighs on the Clinton float.
9. Asking band to play "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song.
8. Forgetting to ask Clinton if he'd like fries with that.
7. Introducing yourself to the Secret Service as "Billy the Robot from Space."
6. Running into people's shins with your go-cart (Dan Quayle only).
5. Yelling "One more time!" after Fleetwood Mac finishes "Don't Stop
Thinking About Tomorrow."
4. Trying to impress Chelsea by telling her you wrote, directed, and
starred in "Annie Hall."
3. Even the slightest mention of the word "Dukakis."
2. During Gore's speech sarcastically shouting "Calm down, you madman!"
1. Asking Roger to sing.
Top 10 Things Clinton Had To Do on His First Day - January 21, 1993
10. Find out just what the hell this "Bosnia" is.
9. Call up chicks who wouldn't date him in high school and ask what their
husbands do for a living.
8. Send in change of address card to "Hillbilly President" magazine.
7. Buy that Saddam a burrito because a man enjoying a burrito is a threat
to no one.
6. Sharpen a load of pencils.
5. Anything to distract him from thinking about what Michael Jackson looked
like close up.
4. Flip Newt Gingrich "the national bird."
3. Assure a teary-eyed Dan Quayle that he'll look after squirrel family
livingin attic.
2. Figure out jogging route that goes past McDonalds AND Dunkin' Donuts.
1. Start making pathetic excuses.
Top 10 Signs Roger Clinton Is Going To Be Trouble - January 21, 1993
10. It's just not normal to keep eating so much taffy.
9. Won't go anywhere without his goalie mask and Bat Cape.
8. Let's put it this way: if he were a Corleone, he'd be Fredo.
7. When Bill was looking for a poet for the inauguration, Roger asked, "How
about the Dice-Man?"
6. Way he keeps asking Tipper: "Yeah, but are you MARRIED married?"
5. In made-for-TV movie about Clinton family, he's being played by Gary Busey.
4. Somehow broke into the mint, got his face put on the dime.
3. Spends late nights tap dancing with Bonnie Franklin.
2. Refers to Dan Quayle as "Professor."
1. Already applied for presidential pardon.
Top 10 Signs the Presidential Honeymoon Is Over - January 22, 1993
10. Israelis and Arabs agree - he's fat.
9. Two words: Zoe Baird.
8. French President Mitterand refers to him as "Le Bonehead."
7. His Mom keeps asking him why he can't be more like his brother Roger.
6. No longer a cinch to nail Barbra Streisand.
5. Japanese leader threw up in HIS lap.
4. Earlier today, Lesley Stahl gave him the finger.
3. Dukakis won't return his calls.
2. When he has to go out in public, Secret Service says, "You're on your
own, Pedro."
1. Has to pump his own gas.
Top 10 Other New White House Rules - February 2, 1993
10. No talking during "Hee Haw."
9. Championship sports teams invited to White House must bring cheerleaders.
8. Barbra Streisand may take nuclear secrets home overnight, but they must
be returned in the morning.
7. President must wash hands before returning to work.
6. You must be this tall to ride Gennifer Flowers.
5. When the President's brother Roger is singing, staffers must murmur, "
Man! That cat is laying down a groove!"
4. At state dinners Ted Kennedy has two-drink limit.
3. Everyone must agree with President when he says, "South Dakoty is north
of North Dakoty, ain't it?"
2. If the Oval Office is rockin', don't bother knockin'.
1. Do not feed the President.
Top 10 Signs You Have Too Much Body Hair - February 3, 1993
10. Not enough hours in the day to rinse, lather, and repeat.
9. When you applied for McDonalds job, hair-net company bought you a Ferrari.
8. Every time you get out of the shower, your wife says, "Hey, great! A
gorilla-gram!"
7. Getting caught in the rain means you stink like a labrador.
6. You keep a Weed Whacker in the medicine cabinet.
5. Your name is Ed Asner.
4. As girlfriend runs fingers over your hairy chest, a pair of pliers turns up.
3. "Take off your coat and stay a while. No, seriously, take off your
coat - you'll be more comfortable. Please - would you take off your
coat?"
2. "Hard Copy" wants to shoot some blurry footage of you nude for their
Bigfoot story.
1. Cause of death: mange.
Top 10 Ways To Cut $14 Billion from the Defense Budget - February 4, 1993
10. Fly stand-by.
9. Streamline paperwork - make everyone in army use name "Ed Johnson."
8. Earl Scheib will camouflage anything for $99.99.
7. From now on, helmets only for guys with really, really sensitive heads.
6. Put off buying a wrench or two.
5. Delete "free fudgsicles" clause from Schwarzkopf's pension.
4. Screw periscopes - they can just stick their heads out of the top and
look a round.
3. Replace six-week basic training with screening of Rambo I, II, and III.
2. Pry toilet out of an old Winnebago, stencil words "space toilet" on
side. Sell it to NASA.
1. Two words: street clothes.
Top 10 Signs It's a Slow News Day - February 5, 1993
10. Al Gore is on the front page of the New York Times.
9. Most of the news is follow-up stuff on the big Hindenberg crash.
8. Regular obituaries replaced by "Best Obituaries of 1993".
7. You tell the head editor you're going to grab some lunch and he starts
screaming, "Stop the presses!"
6. New York Post makes up a story about you moving to L.A.
5. Big headline: "People Sure Do Like Pie!"
4. "See page eight for more news about Joe Piscopo."
3. Exclusive interview with guy who thinks he may have seen Amy Fisher
drive by his house one time a few years ago.
2. List of winning lottery numbers followed by list of losing lottery
numbers.
1. Mondalemania!
Top 10 Signs J. Edgar Hoover Was Gay - February 9, 1993
10. At 1941 inauguration of F.D.R. he showed up wearing the same dress as
Eleanor.
9. Demanded that each FBI operation be named for a Broadway show.
8. Let's just say he "left a lot of fingerprints" if you know what I mean.
7. Lived by motto: "When in doubt, strip search."
6. Three words: Special Agent Liberace.
5. Whenever he went under cover he went as Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz."
4. Top advisors: cowboy, construction worker, and Indian chief.
3. Wore button that said, "I like Ike. I mean I REALLY like Ike."
2. Usually opened staff meeting with his version of "Mandy."
1. The J. stood for Jenny.
Top 10 Signs Hillary Is in Charge - February 10, 1993
10. Leaving the seat up now a federal offense.
9. She threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister's lap.
8. Bill wouldn't have gotten that "Jackie Thomas Show" without her.
7. Secret Service code name for President Clinton: "Mr. Mom."
6. New law prohibiting spelling Gennifer witha "G."
5. Every time she moves her hand, Bill flinches like a frightened collie.
4. She's commander-in-chief of the remote control.
3. Whenever Clintons appear together, Marine band plays "I Am Woman Hear Me
Roar."
2. Latest choice for Attorney General: Michael Bolton.
1. Bill now calling her "Mommy."
Top 10 Surprises in the Michael Jackson Interview - February 11, 1993
10. Two words: beer gut.
9. Announcement that he has agreed to fight Riddick Bowe.
8. When he lights up one of his big cigars you'd swear you're looking at
Groucho.
7. Favorite pastime: getting drunk and shooting at cars on the interstate.
6. Burned during filming of Pepsi commercial by NBC News incendiary device.
5. Oprah meant it when she said, "The first thing I want to do when this is
over is hijack a German airplane."
4. Picked up a lot of his wardrobe at a J. Edgar Hoover estate sale.
3. Recently had transplant surgery using Bubbles' liver.
2. His waist is the same size as Oprah's forearm.
1. He never touched himself.
Top 10 Signs that Your Hijacker Is Dumb - February 12, 1993
10. Keeps telling pilot to hurry because he has to hijack a connecting
flight.
9. One of his demands: a police escort when you land.
8. He fell for bit about Michael Jackson dating Brooke Shields.
7. Asks pilot to hold his gun for a while so he can get some shut-eye.
6. Keeps asking himself, "What would Howie Mandel do in this situation?"
5. Asks male flight attendant, "So, do you have a lot of girlfriends?"
4. Two words: return ticket.
3. First item on his list of demands: plastic pilot's wings.
2. Makes note to order motivational cassettes advertised in inflight magazine.
1. His only demand: gum.
Top 10 Surprising Things About Clinton's Speech Last Night
- February 16, 1993
10. First line: "I am your king, bring me your gold!"
9. The way the President's brother Roger kept sneaking up and waving to the
camera.
8. That a slide whistle can be so effective when driving home a hard
economic point.
7. His mid-speech taco break.
6. Hillary let him use the Oval Office.
5. Pay your taxes on time, get a nice fresh grape.
4. His closing: "And now a word from Budweiser, the King of Beers. Nothing
beats a Bud."
3. The extended metaphor of the American economy as an enormous burrito.
2. 70% of new taxes will be aimed at Oprah.
1. He's dating Brooke Shields.
Top 10 Signs Your Film Isn't Going To Be Nominated for an Academy Award
- February 17, 1992
10. No one's seen it but you and your Mom.
9. Due to typo you paid top dollar to get Jack Nicklaus.
8. During filming you forgot to take lens cap off, released it anyway.
7. You're making a sequel to "Gorillas in the Mist" but halfway through you
lose your permit for the gorillas and have to finish using big St.
Bernards.
6. Clarence Thomas bought the video.
5. Every time your movie is shown audience screams, "Focus!"
4. Full page ads begin, "If you loved 'Encino Man'...."
3. Entire movie filmed through a peephole at a Holiday Inn.
2. The title includes any combination of the following words: "stop", "
Mom", or "shoot".
1. Two words: starring Madonna.
Top 10 Things Dumb Guys Were Thinking During Clinton's Speech
- February 18, 1993
10. "What's gotten into Matlock?"
9. "Wait till the guys at work hear I stayed awake thro-zzzzzzzz."
8. "Enough with the fancy talk, Gallagher, start bustin' them melons!"
7. "I liked it better when Dana Carvey was president."
6. "I can't believe he's blaming me and George!"
5. "Why's everybody clappin' so much? Must be because the President's so
handsome. Way to be handsome, Mr. President!"
4. "Think I'll go for a spin in my '86 GM pickup."
3. "Why don't he wave back?"
2. "Should I stay in New York or move the show to L.A.?"
1. "Please don't tax Cheetos."
Top 10 Ways Things Would Be Different If Roger Clinton Were President
- February 19, 1993
10. Walls of Oval Office wouldn't be cluttered with various diplomas.
9. Garth Brooks - Secretary of Hats.
8. Long, complicated State of the Union addresses replaced by 5-minute
prime-time reminders to always use ZIP codes.
7. New cabinet position: Minister of Barbecue.
6. Hillary wouldn't be running the country anymore.
5. Every Saturday, nation would gather around their TV's to watch president
compete on "American Gladiators."
4. "Hail to the Chief" replaced with theme from "Wayne's World."
3. Chief Justice Wapner.
2. A lot of speeches would begin, "Dan Quayle had a good idea the other day."
1. One word: hootercade.
Top 10 Reasons We're Staying in New York - February 23, 1993
10. Didn't want to give up my table at Blimpies.
9. I'd miss driving through Lincoln Tunnel with my eyes closed.
8. After 11 years away from L.A. I finally manage to lose my Chicano accent.
7. Would rather be shot at on subways than freeways.
6. Couldn't get cheap applause by saying New York audiences are best
looking in all of TV.
5. I have a biological need to stay close to Tom Brokaw.
4. East Coast girls are hip. We really dig those styles they wear.
3. L.A. phone book doesn't contain one Buttafuoco.
2. Woman who keeps breaking into my house didn't feel like moving to L.A.
1. Three words: Times Square sushi.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Grammys - February 24, 1993
10. "Who the hell let Yoko in?"
9. "Sure I remember you from the Bangles - I'll have a rum and coke please."
8. "Wow! Johnny Winter beats Edgar Winter in best albino blues guitarist
category again!"
7. "When's that geezer gonna come out and do them lame one-arm push-ups?"
6. "Yeah right, he's dating Brooke Shields."
5. "My brother's the President, and if you don't let me sing, I'll have him
do somethin' nucular to ya'!"
4. "Call security - Oprah's moonwalking!"
3. "Reba, Latifah. Latifah, Reba. Latifah and Reba, Bono."
2. "Run for your lives - Harry Connick Jr.'s got a gun!"
1. "He's the guy touching himself."
Top 10 Other New Rules at McDonalds - February 25, 1993
10. Prove you've suffered a massive heart attack, get a free Big Mac.
9. Condiments now include Stridex pads.
8. Carjacking only in designated drive-thru lanes.
7. If a customer requests detailed nutritional information, you don't speak
English, got it?
6. No more freebies for Ronald McDonald's lover, Gary.
5. Employees must at least think about washing hands before returning to
work.
4. McDLTs come with McCPR.
3. When somebody orders a salad, no longer allowed to say, "Hey, we got
ourselves a sissy here."
2. One Buttafuoco collector cup per visit.
1. You MUST have fries with that.
Top 10 Signs Your Doctor Is Trying To Kill You - February 26, 1993
10. He loads up I.V. bag with Diet Slice.
9. Before attaching EKG electrodes, asks you to stand in a pail of water.
8. Keeps wanting to test your reflexes with a rusty bear trap.
7. Has other patients mounted on the wall.
6. Just as you're going under you hear him say, "Say hi to Lyndon Johnson
for me."
5. Examining table has a chalk body outline drawn on it.
4. He has a G.E. coffee maker in the waiting room.
3. You stop by for a flu shot and go home with a baboon liver.
2. You come out of the anesthesia in the fast lane of a busy highway.
1. He's kind of creepy
Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Secretary - March 2, 1993
10. Instead of makeup, she opts for magic marker moustache and sideburns.
9. Upon seeing typewriter, screams, "Ahhh! Iron pencil!"
8. Several times a week firefighters have to free her from the candy machine.
7. People from Guinness book always showing up to measure his fingernails.
6. Keeps asking you to repeat the word "Dictaphone."
5. While taking notes at a board meeting, she suddenly says, "I missed what
fatso just said."
4. Claims he was once Vice President, but he can't even spell.
3. You can't remember the last time you got a letter or a phone call.
2. Since she's been there, you go through $10,000 a week in petty cash.
1. Can't get the hang of Post-Its.
Top 10 Relationship Problems for Michael Jackson and Brooke Shields
- March 3, 1993
10. He's prettier.
9. Michael always carting around Elephant Man. Brooke always carting
around mother.
8. She keeps leaving the lid up on the hyperbaric chamber.
7. Instead of taking her out to dinner, has his zookeeper toss her live
crickets.
6. Can't seem to get the old Ferris wheel going (if you know what I mean).
5. They're at the mall. They're having a nice, normal time. Then suddenly
it'
s: "Hey everybody look at me! I'm moonwalking! Oooh, I'm the coolest guy
at the mall!"
4. The Tito factor.
3. Always arguing over who left the cap off the lipstick.
2. Brooke smokes in bed; Michael highly flammable.
1. He touches himself more than her.
Larry King's Top 10 Complaints About Liz Taylor - March 4, 1993
10. Kept saying, "I've answered another question. Give me a diamond."
9. She hasn't quite got the hang of that bald spot spray paint.
8. For some reason she refused to discuss her NFL career.
7. She insisted on holding up her husband's new perfume "Suddenly Fortensky."
6. Her non-stop boasting about all the Domino's pizza guys she's nailed.
5. All that money and she's always wearing the same sweatsuit.
4. She's not the same girl she was 73 years ago.
3. Kept saying, "Ain't it the truth, Oprah!"
2. Spits big chunks of lamb when she talks.
1. She wouldn't marry him.
Clinton's Top 10 Recurring Nightmares - March 5, 1993
10. A 50-foot Roger.
9. He dreams he's eating a giant marshmallow and when he wakes up, Ted
Kennedy is gone.
8. Al Gore actually comes to life.
7. Bob's Big and Tall - out of business! Mr. Stocky's - out of business!
Tubby's House of Pants - out of business!
6. Hillary doesn't let him attend cabinet meetings anymore.
5. He's in the lead going into Final Jeopardy and the category is "Personal
Army Experiences."
4. Secret Service Agent Richard Simmons.
3. A giant Socks-the-cat approaches him with a scalpel and says, "It's time
for your neutering."
2. Erotic dream about J. Edgar Hoover.
1. Two words: Chelsea Buttafuoco.
Top 10 Ways To Kill Time When You're Stranded in an Airport - March 16, 1993
10. Ride around baggage carousel asking people, "Are you sure I'm not your
suitcase?"
9. Organize a posse. Look for Swedes.
8. Page "passenger John Goodman" and watch all the fat guys in the airport
get stared at.
7. Drink yourself into a duty-free coma.
6. Scream, "Duck! It's Harry Connick Jr.!"
5. Make annoying siren noise and carry old people to their gates.
4. Have a few jumbo sodas; go out and "de-ice" a 747.
3. Help out customs officials by sniffing people's luggage.
2. Think up dirty jokes with "Aer Lingus" in the punch line.
1. Play goose-the-skycap.
Top 10 Irish Expressions for Sex - March 17, 1993
10. Peeling the potato
9. Mowing the clover
8. Watching the soda bread rise
7. Getting shille-laid
6. Cleaning the bagpipes
5. Tenderizing the corned beef
4. Oh Danny boy - oh boy - oh boy!
3. Flying Aer Lingus
2. Kissing a Kennedy
1. O'Humping
Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Bad Cult - March 18, 1993
10. Entire religion based on something founder overheard on a bus.
9. Cult leader just keeps asking, "So, uh, what do you guys want to do now?"
8. At the annual convention your cult gets the booth all the way in the back.
7. Their description of heaven sounds suspiciously like Sea World.
6. The Kool-Aid tastes funny.
5. It's called "The Danson family" and you get together every Thursday to
watch "Cheers."
4. You're named cult leader because you're the only one with a car.
3. You recognize many of your fellow members from the World Wrestling
Federation.
2. Their TV spokesman is Joe Piscopo.
1. It's just a bunch of nude fat guys.
Top 10 Signs It's Your Cab Driver's First Day - March 19, 1993
10. His turban is clean and bright.
9. He says, "Uh oh, easy does it! Pothole coming up!"
8. You take turns driving so he can get some shut-eye.
7. When you get in the cab and say, "World Trade Center," he starts
screaming, "I didn't do it!"
6. You recognize him as former head of NBC News Michael Gartner.
5. Drives cab in area marked "street."
4. He turns meter off and says, "How can I care about money when I'm
drivin' a big yellow car?! Whoopee!"
3. "South Bronx? 2 a.m.? Sure, hop in."
2. When stuck in traffic, he explains, "I would use the horn but it is only
for emergencies."
1. He stops at red lights.
Top 10 Signs Boris Yeltsin Is Cracking Under the Pressure - March 23, 1993
10. Instead of the Kremlin, has started hanging around Kreskin's house.
9. One day, pants but no hat. Next day, hat but no pants.
8. Keeps pounding desk with fists and screaming, "Kill Moose and Squirrel."
7. While addressing Parliament, can't stop blurting out secret to "The
Crying Game."
6. Applied for job as new president of NBC.
5. Asked Admiral Stockdale to be his running mate.
4. Wastes hours playing "Let's Look for Swedes."
3. Has taken to calling himself the "Stolichnaya Messiah."
2. Let his goofy brother Roger Yeltsin sing on MTV.
1. Claims he invented Russian dressing.
Top 10 Little-Known Facts About "Nightline" - March 24, 1993
10. Early "Nightline" trading cards now worth over $500.
9. Koppel demanded ABC give his wife a show right after "Nightline."
8. Due to Ted's lack of self control, bacon has been banned from the set.
7. Their Top 10 lists are funnier than ours.
6. It's taped with an X-400, reflex lens camera using a cathode-ray tube.
5. Just like in "The Crying Game," Ted Koppel is a guy!
4. Features exclusive interviews with presidents, not their brothers.
3. During commercial breaks, Koppel uses the big satellite video screen to
talk to his cat.
2. New format debuting this summer: Ted and his guest try to one-up each
other with Mama jokes.
1. It ain't a wig.
Top 10 Signs the Guys Trying To Put Out Your Burning House Aren't Real Firemen
- March 25, 1993
10. Their beards are on fire.
9. Entire operation comes to a complete halt when someone accidentally
stands on the garden hose.
8. You warn them that your gas tank is liable to blow and they say, "Cool!"
7. They're wearing bowling shoes.
6. You notice them carrying each other up and down ladders.
5. Chief says, "It'll burn itself out in a couple days," asks for a beer,
and leaves.
4. They arrive a couple at a time off the regular city bus.
3. One of them keeps trying to attach the end of a hose to your dog.
2. They keep laughing and shouting, "Nothing beats flame broiling!"
1. No ladders - stilts.
Top 10 Other Products Being Test Marketed by McDonalds - March 26, 1993
10. Filet o' Leftovers
9. The Depressing Meal
8. One big French fry you carve like a turkey
7. Ray Kroc Bits
6. Chance to punch Ronald McDonald in the stomach as hard as you can
5. The 200-pound hamburger
4. McHookers
3. The Double Buttafuoco with Cheese
2. The Al Pacino Scent o' Woman sandwich
1. The Egg McMahon
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Oscars - March 30, 1993
10. "Hey Whoopi, those shrimp are for everybody!"
9. "Did you know Bette Davis once bludgeoned a meter man with her statuette?"
8. "The industry's most glamorous night of the year ruined by dozens of
vicious wild dogs."
7. "He's in third place with 20 laps to go." (Overheard at a NASCAR race.)
6. "Ahh! The corpse of Bob Hope.... Oh, that IS Bob Hope."
5. "Why is Refrigerator Perry singing the theme from 'Aladdin'?"
4. "Liza Minnelli dance number... making me... dizzy... eyes starting to
burn...."
3. "I'm so confused. I saw the guy from "The Crying Game" making out with
Bea Arthur."
2. "Get off the stage, push-up geezer!"
1. "Quit licking my Oscar."
Top 10 Things Yeltsin Can Do To Get His Popularity Back - March 31, 1993
10. Develop a clear borscht.
9. Stop calling everyone "Homey."
8. Appear in public wearing the big purple Barney-the-Dinosaur costume.
7. New re-election slogan: "A chicken in every time zone."
6. More wet babushka contests.
5. Get Certs people to start using phrase: "Contains a sparkling drop of
Yeltsin."
4. Promise everybody all kinds of stuff he can't possibly deliver - like
Clinton.
3. Pretend he's Ed McMahon, get head slammed in door.
2. Legally change name to Boris Buttafuoco.
1. Claim he's dating Brooke Shields.
Top 10 Signs You've Picked the Wrong Supreme Court Justice - April 1, 1993
10. Keeps asking, "When do I meet Diana Ross?"
9. Writes his opinions on little scraps of Kleenex.
8. Only law he knows is that "under-30-minutes-or-the-pizza-is-free" thing.
7. Favorite case: Roe v. Godzilla.
6. Keeps sneaking into the chambers at night and propping up Thurgood
Marshallin his old chair.
5. He points at your shoes and says, "Enjoy 'em while they're still legal."
4. Whenever a death sentence is announced, he plays "taps" on his kazoo.
3. Three words: UNLV law school.
2. You overhear him mumbling, "What would Wapner do?"
1. Heard of Jacoby, never heard of Meyers.
Top 10 Signs You're Not God - April 2, 1993
10. You've got combination skin.
9. Tuna melt isn't your favorite sandwich (see Matthew 3:24).
8. You work in totally non-mysterious ways.
7. While hurling lightning bolts down from the sky at some guy, you miss
and foul up his automatic sprinkler system.
6. Everything you bless starts smelling like cabbage.
5. God doesn't have a hair weave.
4. No matter how hard you try, you can't get the lid off the Skippy.
3. Every time you try to prove you're invisible, you end up getting
arrested.
2. You can't even create a bird feeder in seven days.
1. You wouldn't be living in Waco.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Summit - April 7, 1993
10. "Look, forget the money, we want that miracle spray-on hair stuff."
9. "Imagine what you'd look like if you didn't jog every day."
8. "For a strong President, you really have soft skin."
7. "Get some vodka into that Al Gore of yours."
6. "What? We have no time outs left?"
5. "Margaret Thatcher? I had her."
4. "Hey Bubba! Leave some gravy for the Ruskky!"
3. "The Red Army has been gay for years and it's a blast."
2. "When do I get to meet this Joey Buttafuoco?"
1. "Last call already?"
Top 10 Things Aeroflot Can Do To Improve Its Image - April 7, 1993
10. Shoo the bats out of the lavatories.
9. Promise delivery within two days.
8. Stop asking smaller passengers to sit in the laps of larger passengers.
7. No longer have Moscow-to-Leningrad flight connect through Dallas-Fort
Worth.
6. Modify plane to resemble giant airborne potato.
5. Stewardesses with necks.
4. Water down the captain's vodka.
3. Remove Chernobyl-cured ham from inflight menu.
2. Paint over Gorbachev-inspired red mark on top of fuselages.
1. More aero, less flot.
Top 10 Signs the Easter Bunny Is Losing His Mind - April 8, 1993
10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."
9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "
You're going to die up there, fat man!"
8. Can't stop washing his paws.
7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.
6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.
5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."
4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.
3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.
2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack.
1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.
Top 10 Signs You're an Extremely Boring Person - April 9, 1993
10. Most common question you ask: "Hey, where's everybody going?"
9. Mr. Rogers grabs you by the throat and screams, "Pick up the pace, you
simp!"
8. Sominex tablets now available shaped like you.
7. Your wildest fantasy: to some day visit Winnipeg.
6. Your bedroom walls are covered with photos of Treasury Secretary Lloyd
Bentsen.
5. During confession, you hear the priest click on his Game Boy.
4. The person seated next to you at the dinner party is sawing at their
wrists with a steak knife.
3. They let you sedate patients for surgery by describing your system for
organizing laundry.
2. During sex your wife calls out the name "Irving R. Levine."
1. You think Al Gore is a maniac.
Top 10 Horrifying Secrets of Barney the Dinosaur - April 13, 1993
10. Spent the 70s traveling around the country following the Grateful Dead.
9. Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only six days.
8. Purple color the result of alcohol-induced hypertension.
7. Bitterly refers to "E.T." as "the luckiest damn space monkey in Hollywood."
6. Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them.
5. Is other half-brother of Roger Clinton.
4. He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget casino
in Las Vegas after assaulting a black jack dealer.
3. Before plastic surgery, was one of the Jackson Five.
2. Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino.
1. Two words: silicone tail.
Top 10 Signs Larry King Is Losing His Mind - April 14, 1993
10. Has started referring to his suspenders as "Felix" and "Oscar."
9. Performed root canal on himself with a seafood fork.
8. Weirdly tries to pronounce CNN as if it were one word.
7. Recently spotted wandering pantless in a Florida mall screaming, "Go
ahead - you're on the air!"
6. Buttafuoco.
5. Won't stop talking about his great new idea: a reverse sandwich with
filling on the outside and bread in the middle.
4. Is now demanding guests address him as "Mr. Larry."
3. His stomach is filled with charcoal briquettes.
2. Shouts "Bingo!" and awful lot for someone who isn't actually playing
bingo.
1. Won't come out of the pup tent.
Top 10 Surprises in the Sex Survey - April 15, 1993
10. 98% prefer condoms to Isotoner gloves.
9. For teen boys, most frequent fantasy during sex is having a partner.
8. Three guys at MIT have had cyber-sex with a bank machine.
7. Pam no-stick spray no longer just for cooking.
6. Some men have sex as often as twice a week.
5. That Urkel guy's banged half of Hollywood.
4. Fat guys have a lot of trouble getting laid.
3. 0.00001% of teenage girls have shot their boyfriend's wife.
2. Wilford Brimley frequently has sex in exchange for cookies.
1. Most women ever? The Fonz.
Top 10 Surprises on the Clinton's Tax Return - April 16, 1993
10. Took advantage of something called "the butter fat deduction."
9. Bill's real name? Debbie.
8. Had to report gift hog from cast of "Hee Haw."
7. Chelsea donated $50 to Bush/Quayle '92.
6. Claimed McDonald's as a second home.
5. Bill pays Gore $30 a week to be Vice-President.
4. Crossed out the word "dependent," wrote in "critters."
3. Hillary made a million bucks sleeping with Robert Redford.
2. Bill took $4,000 depreciation on Gennifer Flowers.
1. Hillary listed as "head of household."
Top 10 Tips for the New "Late Night" Host - April 27, 1993
10. A drugged guest is a well behaved guest.
9. Proper gratuity for Marv Albert: nickel a blooper.
8. Kids will look up to you; don't let them think it's "cool" to smoke.
7. Willard's insane.
6. If you ever have a baby, look out for giant birds.
5. G. E. executives are "pinheads"; NBC executives are "boneheads."
4. No one cares about Walter Cronkite's lunch.
3. Don't panic if you find a strange woman in your house.
2. When all else fails, just say "Buttafuoco."
1. Two words: laugh track.
Top 10 Ways Clinton Can Improve His Approval Rating - April 28, 1993
10. Lift ban on gays in the Salvation Army.
9. Become the fattest president ever.
8. Move the Canadian border a few feet per day until by 1996 - voila! No
more Canada!
7. Every Friday night, host an old horror movie on TV in full wolfman make-
up.
6. Bomb Baghdad.
5. Sponsor Pay-per-View event; Attorney General Janet Reno wrestles a bear.
4. Put Gore in a purple dinosaur costume.
3. Be more like Urkel.
2. Pay off national debt by letting Hillary sleep with Redford 10,000 times.
1. Tank tops.
Top 10 Things Overheard During Take Your Daughter To Work Day - April 29, 1993
10. "I don't care whose 8-year-old she is, she's not neutering my Doberman."
9. "Bryant, meet my daughter Willardo."
8. "Mrs. Paul, your daughter just saw the secret fish-stick recipe. Now
she must die!"
7. "Hand Mommy her tassles."
6. "This is the director's chair, Soon-Yi."
5. "Now batting for the Chicago White Sox - Cindy."
4. "I know his hair looks scary, but just march right up and say, "Hello,
Mr. Letterman."
3. "Honey, keep your eyes open over here while Daddy whacks a guy."
2. "Chelsea, see if YOU can get something past Congress."
1. "Keep away from Senator Packwood."
Top 10 Highlights of Roger Clinton's First 100 Days - April 30, 1993
10. Wore shoes for the first time.
9. Sometimes gets a free pen after they've signed a law or something.
8. Historic all-night keg summit with President Mitterrand's brother "
Stewie."
7. Was on TV!!!
6. Finishing slightly ahead of that smart-ass 7-year-old during the White
House Easter egg hunt.
5. Was a runner-up on the game show "Towel off!"
4. Seeing Joe Namath host the Bud Bowl... that was awesome!
3. Keyhole sighting of Hillary using her Epilady.
2. Finally getting the rubber mouse away from socks.
1. Higher approval rating than his brother.
Top 10 Signs Your Therapist Hates You - May 4, 1993
10. Everything you tell him ends up in the "Weekly World News."
9. Constantly rolling his eyes and making "cuckoo" sign with finger.
8. At the end of your session, he screams, "Time's up!" and high-fives the
receptionist.
7. Every time you eat something tasty you get a nasty electric shock and
pretty soon tasty ain't so tasty anymore!
6. Really itchy couch.
5. As you tell him about your week, he and his friends keep yelling, "
Yahtzee!"
4. Introduces you as the Mayor of Loserville.
3. Whenever you tell him one of your dreams, he says, "Come on, that's an
old 'Twilight Zone.' "
2. Constantly asking: "So, you're just going to rule out suicide completely?"
1. Always sides with Mia.
Top 10 Signs You're Too Old To Be Living at Home - May 5, 1993
10. You can never figure out which dentures are yours.
9. Your parents keep leaving classified ads for rental apartments taped to
your hamster's cage.
8. You sneak in late from a Neil Diamond concert.
7. You and your parents' Social Security checks come on same day of the month.
6. You've convinced yourself that when Dad dies, Mom will marry you.
5. You're 42 and you have a curfew.
4. You come home after a late night at the office and find that Mom has
laid out your Star Wars pajamas.
3. At least once a week you get into a shoving match with Dad over the last
beer.
2. Mailman openly mocks you by saying, "Give these letters to Mommy, you
deadbeat."
1. Mom complains when you bring home hookers.
Al Gore's Top 10 Pet Peeves - May 6, 1993
10. Is a heartbeat away from obscurity.
9. Picking up Big Mac wrappers off the White House jogging track.
8. Being Roger Clinton's designated driver.
7. Secret Service men assigned to him never seem to have sunglasses or ear
pieces.
6. People who play blackjack when they're under the weather.
5. The round-the-clock drills on spelling "potato."
4. Some WWF stars are too big to answer their fan mail.
3. A couple of the angles on his head aren't quite 90 degrees.
2. Press never mentions the fact that he had an affair with Gennifer
Flowers too.
1. Getting buried alive.
Top 10 Signs Your Postman Could Be Ready To Snap - May 7, 1993
10. He hides your letters around the yard like Easter eggs.
9. Delivers the mail wearing nothing but 29-cent stamps and fragile stickers.
8. Wife wears T-shirt saying, "I'm with disgruntled."
7. You find him on the porch reading a Sharper Image catalog to a squirrel.
6. Won't stop saying Buttafuoco.
5. Every letter he brings you is from him.
4. His hat looks suspiciously like the one you ordered from L. L. Bean.
3. Whenever he sneezes styrofoam peanuts fly out of his nose.
2. Invites you to put your hand in his pants and do a little "presorting."
1. Keeps biting the UPS guy.
Top 10 Signs the Guy Driving Your Subway Train Isn't a Transit Employee
- May 11, 1993
10. Stops when he hits somebody.
9. No matter how many times he's disappointed, can't resist tasting the
sticky stuff on the floor.
8. The hospital gown.
7. You notice the train is cutting through a lot of backyards.
6. When you stop in Times Square, he gives Show World schedule over P.A.
5. Conductor's cap looks suspiciously like a Fruit Loops box.
4. Conductor is sitting next to you with a wad of cotton in his mouth, and
tape around his wrists and ankles.
3. On his badge, "transit" spelled with a "z."
2. Wearing belt buckle that says, "Pull here for emergency stops."
1. He's graffiti free.
Top 10 Signs the World Is Becoming Overpopulated - May 12, 1993
10. 26-digit phone numbers.
9. Nobody is rooting for Maury Povich and Connie Chung anymore.
8. Roger Clinton's concert - sold out.
7. In parts of Asia, not only carpooling, but pantspooling.
6. There's now a 2-1/2-hour wait to get into Cher's bedroom.
5. It's bad enough dying of thirst out in the middle of the desert, but all
the pushing and shoving!
4. Two Gaps on every block.
3. China just made it illegal to move your arms away from your sides.
2. Suddenly there are 10 women breaking into my house.
1. Too many damn "Eds"!
Top 10 Things Overheard During Clinton's Trip to New York - May 13, 1993
10. "Get out of my way, fatso."
9. "It'll be $15 for the phony headline, 'President Clinton's popularity
soars.'"
8. "OK give me your Presidential wallet and just keep walking."
7. "Where can I get me one of those 'Whack-a-Perots'?"
6. "I'm sorry I can't find a 'Flowers' on the guest list."
5. "I'm the President damn it! Now give me another spare rib."
4. "Those aren't hummingbirds, Mr. President, they're stray bullets."
3. "Look at all the hookers. Yipppeeee!"
2. "Get your hillbilly ass out of the intersection."
1. "Hey, tax this."
Top 10 Ways This Show Would Be Different If It Were Produced in Mexico
- May 14, 1993
10. In lieu of ill-fitting sportcoat, ill-fitting serape.
9. Technically speaking, the audience would not merely be sleeping - they'd
beenjoying an afternoon siesta.
8. Paul Shaffer replaced by giant dancing Te Amo cigar.
7. Stupid human tricks would often end in death.
6. I'd get speeding tickets from Mexican police.
5. More jokes about President Salinas' loser brother Arty Salinas.
4. More changes to say, "Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!"
3. G. E. Executives now called pinata heads.
2. Larry Bud would be on top of Mexico City capital building with giant
sign: "Murder me!"
1. Two words: Senor Buttafuoco.
Top 10 Other Changes in the CBS Evening News - May 18, 1993
10. Title changed to "Hangin' with Mr. Rather."
9. Dan now used mostly to stand in wind tunnel and demonstrate force of
hurricanes.
8. If your TV picture turns blue it means she's pregnant.
7. Dan and Connie begin each show by singing duet from "Beauty and the
Beast."
6. More lame phone calls to Buenos Aires.
5. Dan won't be able to stash his Playboys in the news desk anymore.
4. Three words: matching news unitards.
3. Lots of sexual tension - they might be doing it, but no one's really sure.
2. At end of each newscast Connie and Dan introduce their daughter Chastity.
1. Plenty of cursing.
Top 10 Little Known Facts About "Cheers" - May 19, 1993
10. There's been talk of actually putting the "Cheers" logo on hats and
T-shirts.
9. Ted Danson's hair is as real as the beer.
8. During show's 10-year history George Wendt ate 375 million peanuts.
7. Original choice for role of Sam Malone? Bea Arthur.
6. Any unused liquor after last taping goes directly to G. E. executives.
5. Show has won four Emmys for "Best Portrayal of a Bar Frequented by a Fat
Guy and a Mailman."
4. Ted Danson is 67 years old.
3. Real-life bars that are actually named "Cheers" always suck.
2. To help actors feel like they're at a bar, there's actual vomit in the
restroom.
1. Norm played by two midgets in a big coat.
Top 10 Signs Your Husband's a Loser - May 20, 1993
10. Shirt is never tucked or completely untucked.
9. Moves his lips when he watches TV.
8. Keeps leaning over to ask question about the "Ernest" movie.
7. Always quoting Urkel.
6. Nobody has called him "Mr. Vice-President" in four months.
5. Your wedding ring looks a lot like a greasy washer.
4. Among tapes in his permanent video library: all the Bud Bowls.
3. Spends hours a day inside a Mickey Mouse suit; doesn't work for Disney.
2. His teenage girlfriend shoots you in the head.
1. Sex is awkward wearing E.T. pajamas.
Top 10 Shocking Revelations About Mick Jagger - May 25, 1993
10. Bill Wyman is his father.
9. Probably thinks the song "You're So Vain" is about him.
8. Apparently has gotten lots of satisfaction.
7. Ex-wife Bianca invented that breath spray stuff.
6. Once shared a Jacuzzi with Marge Schott.
5. In a top-secret ceremony in the '60s he married Jim Nabors.
4. He can whistle "Honky Tonk Woman" through his nose.
3. Using fad diets, has gained and lost 15,000 pounds.
2. One of only 10 million people to have seen Madonna naked.
1. Slept with Redford for free.
Top 10 Reasons Clinton's Approval Rating Has Declined - May 26, 1993
10. As part of defense cuts, shouldn't have ordered cancellation of "Major
Dad."
9. Majority of Americans want us to bomb somebody, ANYBODY.
8. One haircut cost taxpayers as much as 8 years worth of Reagan's Grecian
Formula.
7. When we elected him he was pleasantly plump, now he's frightening the
children.
6. Recent public admission he once dated Mick Jagger.
5. Country disappointed Roger hasn't lived up to his full Billy Carter
potential.
4. Many turned off by videotape of Socks catching and disemboweling a sparrow.
3. Only definitive decision he's made since elected was, "Yes, I would like
fries with that."
2. Many turned off by videotape of Hillary catching and disemboweling a
sparrow.
1. Those damn running shorts.
Top 10 Things More Embarrassing than Having a Baseball Bounce Of Your
Head for a Home Run - May 27, 1993
10. Being snubbed at daytime Emmys for 14th time.
9. First name: Peabo.
8. Missing an NBA playoff game because you're "feeling lucky" at the tables.
7. That Dukakis-Bentsen bumper sticker that won't come off.
6. Finding out you and your wife each slept with Mick Jagger.
5. Buying a ticket from a scalper at Shea Stadium.
4. Misspelling "potato."
3. Waking up nude and hung over in a sleeping bag with Ross Perot.
2. At your wedding, instead of saying, "I do," you accidentally say, "Boy,
does my butt itch."
1. You lost the presidency to some fat hick.
Top 10 Indy Driver Pet Peeves - May 28, 1993
10. Radio loses FM signal in fourth turn.
9. You crash going 200 mph and you end up in a Marv Albert blooper reel.
8. Suction cup Garfield blocks view of track.
7. Going fast is scary!
6. Having to take a leak with 100 laps left.
5. Forgetting to remove "the Club" before the race starts.
4. When the tape player eats your "Chorus Line" cassette before you've even
gone 50 laps.
3. People who pronounce it "Grand Prix."
2. When wife says you lack viscosity.
1. Potholes.
Top 10 Little Known Facts About Ruth Ginsburg - June 15, 1993
10. First judge to use the word "cran-tastic" in a legal brief.
9. Won $1.2 million from Michael Jordan on back nine at Augusta.
8. Has invented a combination glove and shovel called "The Glovel."
7. Allowed her cat to be filmed for Jurassic Park.
6. As a teenager, dated Joey Buttafuoco, Sr.
5. Four words: belches like a lumberjack.
4. She hates herself for it, but that "Diceman" cracks her up.
3. Spent three years traveling with a southern carnival as "Monkey Girl."
2. Once kicked Janet Reno's ass in a bar fight.
1. Nailed Wapner.
Top 10 New Diet Pepsi Slogans - June 16, 1993
10. Take the new Pepsi Challenge.
9. Give your taste buds something to shout about.
8. Coke's for sissies.
7. 200cc's of great taste.
6. Every can inspected by Ray Charles.
5. Keep out of reach of children.
4. Vaccinate your thirst.
3. Michael Jackson's revenge for that time we set his hair on fire.
2. Un-huh, uh-huh, ow!
1. You've got the contaminated one, baby!
Top 10 Signs You Have Dino-Fever - June 17, 1993
10. You legally change your name from "Bob" to "Bob-o-saurus."
9. You're eating a lot more ferns lately.
8. You strap tin plates on your dog's back to make him look like a
stegosaurus.
7. You break into a dino-sweat, develop dino-tremors, and finally you're
dino-dead.
6. When people ask if you like dinosaurs, you say, "You bet Jurassic."
5. You have a stabbing pain in your cheek (a sign you've taken a sip of
Diet Pepsi).
4. You stalk Ernest Borgnine because of his prehistoric features.
3. Favorite reference book: Roget's Thesaurus.
2. You've been arrested more than once for exposing yourself in front of
the T. Rex skeleton at the Museum of Natural History.
1. Name your kids: "Di," "No," and "Saur."
Top 10 Signs Clinton's Temper Is Out of Control - June 18, 1993
10. Last week, pistol-whipped a Domino's delivery guy.
9. Bruises the size of softballs covering Al Gore's torso.
8. Prime Minister of Zimbabwe: "It is a pleasure being in your country."
Clinton: "Why are you wearing that ridiculous hat?"
7. Socks spotted with a black eye and a knot in his tail.
6. Overheard screaming, "How come they ain't no dang needle in my dang
Pepsi?"
5. State of the Union address had to be bleeped 14 times.
4. Threatened to break Sam Donaldson's leg in three places for "being a
dork."
3. Slapped a guy silly on White House tour for whistling the Beverly
Hillbillies theme.
2. Emptied Air Force One bathroom on Ross Perot's lawn.
1. Actually talked back to Hillary.
Top 10 Signs You're President Clinton's Long-Lost Half-Brother - June 22, 1993
10. Favorite beverage: Billy Beer.
9. Your nominees for officers of the bowling league always run into trouble.
8. You jog every morning and never ever lose any weight.
7. Your checking account is $3 trillion overdrawn.
6. You're not, but it's a better scam than pretending to find syringes in
cansof Diet Pepsi.
5. You still think shoes are for rich folks.
4. Whenever Hillary says something on T.V., you do it without question.
3. You instinctively feel the need to get it on with Barbra Streisand.
2. You have a genetic predisposition to being kind of a load.
1. Haven't done anything since January.
Top 10 Signs that Madonna Would Make a Good Mother - June 23, 1993
10. Kids can conduct science projects with peroxide and penicillin.
9. Always lots of "uncles" around the house.
8. Kid wouldn't have to go through life with an embarrassing last name.
7. For all the same reasons Joan Crawford made a wonderful mother.
6. Bound to be better at parenting than movie-acting.
5. Will start college fund with Pay-per-View of live birth.
4. One snip, and an old cone-shaped bra becomes two wacky party hats!
3. Owns wide variety of interesting teething objects.
2. Lots of practice changing diapers on grown men.
1. Did Barney.
Top 10 Signs You're Going To Be a One-Term President - June 24, 1993
10. Heads of state greet you by saying, "Nice knowing you, Pedro."
9. Larry King bumps you when Joyce DeWitt interview runs long.
8. Secret Service code name: Jimmy Carter II.
7. White House tour guide points at you and says, "There goes one term bubba."
6. Even your long-lost brother won't take your calls.
5. There's a Century 21 sign on the east lawn.
4. Rich Little doesn't even bother getting your voice down.
3. You change your name to an unpronounceable symbol, but everyone still
just calls you Prince.
2. Dukakis keeps asking if you want to split the price of a Winnebago.
1. You get Madonna pregnant.
Top 10 Things I Have To Do Before I Leave NBC - June 25, 1993
- The Final Show -
10. Drop off hairpiece at security desk.
9. Vacuum out Wendell and write down his mileage.
8. One final "turn your head and cough" visit to NBC nurse.
7. Steal my weight in office supplies.
6. Let my plastic surgeon step out and take a bow - this has been his show
as much as mine.
5. One last hot-oil rubdown from the knowing hands of Mr. John Chancellor.
4. Return artificial leg to props department.
3. Get one more cheap laugh by saying the word "Buttafuoco."
2. Send change of address forms to that woman who breaks into my house.
1. Untie Willard.
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