|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
Selection of top- ten lists from Late Nite With Da
TOP TEN WORDS THAT ALMOST RHYME WITH "PEAS"
10. Heats
9. Rice
8. Moss
7. Ties
6. Needs
5. Lens
4. Ice
3. Nurse
2. Leaks
1. Meats
BATMAN'S TOP TEN PEEVES
10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody
he's not a professional wrestler
9. When you can see the outline of his underwear through the Batsuit
8. Punks who gather around and smart off when he's getting gas for the
Batmobile
7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile
6. When really stupid people shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?"
5. When dry cleaner accidentally switches Batsuit and San Diego Chicken
costume
4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake (Oh, I'm sorry. That's
one of the pet peeves of the "Fatman")
3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman
2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can
summon him at night
1. When people call him "*The* Batman." It's just "Batman", damn it!
TOP TEN LEAST POULAR BEN & JERRY'S ICE CREAM FLAVORS
10. Oprah Mocha
9. Raspberry Rash
8. Norieggnog
7. Chlorestoral Chip
6. Zsa Zsa Gaboero
5. Tiny Filaments o' Tungsten
4. Vap-O-Rub
3. Stuff-Found-in-Ben-&-Jerry's-Pockets
2. Bus Depot Fudge
1. Hitler Ripple
TOP TEN COMMERCIAL CASKET MODELS
10. The Dirt-Master
9. Tupper-Tomb
8. Krazy-Kasket from Whammo
7. The Slim Reaper
6. The 19th Hole
5. McCoffin Styrofoam Casket
4. The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka)
3. Cap'n Crypt
2. The Cardboard Warrior
1. The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR FAIRY TALES
10. The Gingerbread Man Chews Off His Own Leg to Get Out of a Bear Trap
9. Geraldo and Gretel
8. The Ugly Duckling Who Had Liposuction and Cheek Implants
7. The Little Old Lady Who Lived in Al Sharpton's Hair
6. Dr. Campo and the Magic Beans
5. Mike Tyson Whips the Hell Out of the Little People
4. Scrappy, the Very Contagious Monkey
3. George Bush Won't Raise Taxes
2. The Little Engine that Occasionally Couldn't
1. Goldilocks and the Tainted Clams
TOP TEN CAMPAIGN PROMISES GEORGE BUSH IS SORRY HE MADE
10. To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO
9. To bite head off rat at first press conference
8. To bomb France back to the Stone Age
7. To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing
6. To appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarette in
his mouth
5. To deflower Brooke Shields on board the space shuttle Atlantis
4. To dispose of radioactive waste through the Home Shopping Networl
3. At summit with Soviets, to try "pull my finger" trick on Gorbachev
2. To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch
1. To reveal during inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis
TOP TEN CANINE DISORDERS OR DEBUTANTE COMPLAINTS
10. Distemper
9. Rabies
8. Broken heel
7. Wilted corsage
6. Mange
5. Out of shrimp
4. Heartworms
3. Warm Tab
2. Ticks
1. Kennel cough / Daddy's drunk (tie)
TOP TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES IN TIMES SQUARE
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes 'Round-the-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
TOP TEN ELF COMPLAINTS
10. Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops
9. Need two pieces of I.D. to buy beer
8. Santa's union-busting goons killed a guy last spring
7. Black elves control the weight room
6. R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol
5. Incredible markup at North Pole 7-11
4. Workmen's compensation doesn't cover "mistletoe-lung"
3. The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, that's a Elvis complaint)
2. Dead elves just tossed out on tundra
1. Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the Jacuzzi
TOP TEN LEAST-KNOWN NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTINGS
10. A Boy's First Manicure
9. The Old Hobo's Infected Foot
8. The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout
7. Caught Touching Himself
6. Sniper in the Mall
5. Sweetheart of the Cell Block
4. Christmas at the Hair Club for Men
3. Andrew Wyeth Nails Helga
2. Bad Clams
1. Turn Your Head and Cough
TOP TEN PHRASES THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT REALLY AREN'T
10. Frosting the Pastry
9. Shooting Hoops
8. Jumping the Turnstile
7. Checking Your Oil
6. Tethering the Blimp
5. Sending Out for Sushi
4. Picnic on the Grass
3. Quarter-Pounder at the Golden Arches
2. Shaking Hands with Abraham Lincoln
1. Wind-Surfing on Mount Baldy
TOP TEN FEARS OF McDONALD'S MANAGERS
10. Under excruciating torture, I might reveal ingredients of secret sauce
9. Customers who figure out fish sandwich and apple pie are exact same item
8. Mayor McCheese's nude, lifeless body will be found in a cheap hotel room
somewhere down south
7. Might someday accidentally eat a McNugget
6. After sex with wife, might mistakenly say "You want fries with that?"
5. One of the trainees wants to man the shake machine and damn it - he's not
ready!
4. Something will happen to Bush
3. Even after selling a billion Big Macs, I'll still feel kind of empty
inside
2. Someday a race of supercows will make paper-thin burgers out of *me*
1. That might not be mayonnaise
TOP TEN CARNIVAL PICKUP LINES
10. I couldn't help noticing you throw up on the Tilt-a-Whirl
9. Is somebody frying dough or is that you?
8. But I have to put my hands there to guess your weight
7. I get off at nine, Senator Tower
6. After a nice candlelit dinner, I'll let you pound a nail into my head
5. I'm sure I've got a tattoo of your name on me somewhere
4. How'd you like to become *Mrs.* Torso?
3. <Insert your own corndog joke here>
2. You know, if you didn't have that hard squinty look so common to carnival
trash, you could be a model
1. Is that a ring toss game - or are you just glad to see me?
TOP TEN GENERAL ELECTRIC PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT
10. Artificial appendix
9. Electric dreadlock de-tangler
8. TV audio system that automatically adds an Italian accent
7. 3-speed back shaver
6. Secret beam that causes brains of Sylvania executives to balloon up until
they burst
5. Telephone voice modulator that makes you sound like Alex Trebek
4. TV screen that makes every Cosby kid look black
3. New patio for Robert C. Wright's house
2. Zombie monkeys who operate waffle iron
1. The vibrating pocket-buddy
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT
10. Melting polar ice caps make for better surfing
9. Long lines at Disney World reduced by sunstroke
8. Within five years, Jerry Lewis's hair will be bone-dry
7. Can use "stuck in road tar" as acceptable excuse for missing work
6. ABC will take a 200-million-dollar bath on Winter Olympics
5. Intense heat should open pores in General Noriega's forehead
4. My dog-shaving business will take off
3. "I'm dehydrated" will replace "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler"
as America's favorite phrase
2. Can cook lobster by lowering it into toilet
1. Hot babes, less clothes. 'Nuff said.
TOP TEN FEARS OF SNUGGLES THE FABRIC SOFTNER BEAR
10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap
9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats
8. He might wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts
7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in '78
6. Excess softner will leave him unable to perform as a male
5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly
4. Winnie-the-Pooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly
suggesting that *he* should be the Fabric Softner Bear
3. Something might happen to George Bush
2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to ensure he remains
"snuggly" forever
1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower
ELVIS PRESLEY'S TOP TEN HOUSEHOLD HINTS
10. A little club soda will get food stains out of satin capes
9. Bargain metal polishes may discolor your solid gold piano
8. Use blow-dryer to speed up defrosting time on TV dinners
7. A wad of gum will keep your medallions from sliding around your chest
6. Stubborn stain on auto upholstery? Buy a new car?
5. Jewel-encrusted belts make good emergency snow treads
4. Put Las Vegas souvenirs on mantel for that "museum" effect
3. Out of hair spray? Try PAM
2. For a classy dessert, remove sticks from Eskimo Pies before serving
1. A small handgun makes any TV "remote control"
TOP TEN ELF PICKUP LINES
10. I'm down here
9. Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy
8. I was once a lwan ornament for Bon Jovi
7. I can get you off the "naughy" list
6. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys
5. I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
4. No, no. I didn't bake those cookies. You're thinking of those dorks
over at Keebler
3. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man
2. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig
1. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners
TOP TEN CHRISTMAS TIPS FROM GENERAL ELECTRIC
10. If one light bulb in your house goes out, replace them all
9. Flourescent tubes make great Star Wars swords for kids
8. Blow-dryers can be used to keep food warm
7. Big corporations shouldn't commercialize this blessed season by handing
out bonuses
6. Keeping several TVs and radios on alll the time creates a feeling of warmth
and intimacy
5. We heard that Sylvania bulbs give off some kind of poison gas
4. Same deal with Westinghouse
3. Electric toothbrushes should be left on all day to keep them loose
2. A G.E. industrail turbine makes a one-of-a-kind stocking stuffer
1. Warranties, like greeting cards, should be thrown out
TOP TEN INDY 500 PIT CREW PET PEEVES
10. Drivers who want a free NFL mug with every fill-up
9. Being played in the movies by Jim Nabors
8. Racers in such a hurry to get out of the pit that they run over your
origami birds
7. For the rest of your life, any time you're in a car that gets a flat,
everyone just assumes that you should fix it
6. They keep blacking out the good parts of the Rob Lowe video
5. It's hard to pick up chicks while reeking of methane
4. The way those suction-cup Garfield dolls fall off at 230 miles per hour
3. Joke T-shirts that say "Pit Crew Guys Do It in Seven Seconds"
2. Really big dogs who get themselves booked on TV shows and then don't
show up
1. Those pansies at JJiffy-Lube
JAMES BROWN'S TOP TEN PRISON COMPLAINTS
10. Only two hair dryers for over 3,000 men
9. Guards keep calling me "Little Richard"
8. Always getting leg caught in bars when doing the splits
7. Five packs of cigarettes for one bottle of Lustre-Silk
6. Prison library scandalously short of Jane Austin novels
5. Escape tunnel to narrow to shimmy in
4. Irritating snoring of Ike Turner
3. Death row guys always win talent shows because of sympathy vote
2. Can't believe I'm in here and John Denver walks around free
1. Just hate being soul brother #175683
SUBWAY PUNKS' TOP TEN ETIQUETTE TIPS
10. When passing sharpened screwdriver to a friend, remember - it's *handle*
first
9. Don't be selfish; share your radio music with everyone in the car
8. Always say, "Could I have five dollars, *please*?"
7. Allow your elders and ladies to jump turnstile ahead of you
6. Lookouts work as hard as anybody; a 15% gratuity is customary
5. Don't embarass a victim by pointing out a fake Rolex
4. When two wolf packs meet in a car, the group moving from front to rear
has the right of way
3. Victims who don't press charges deserve a nice thank-you note
2. Learning a few phrases in a foreign language can save you minutes of
fruitless shoving and slapping
1. Don't be greedy; leave some valuables for the next gang of toughs
DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN DRIVING TIPS
10. Firemen like it when you race alongside them
9. If pursued by highway patrol, always pull over immediately, then try to
flee on foot
8. Keep freezer bags in glove compartment in case you hit a steer
7. With the right tools, any rental car can become a convertible
6. When transporting a monkey, don't let him take the wheel no matter how
much he screeches
5. To let other drivers know you are there, start blowing your horn as you
leave the driveway and don't stop until you reach your destination
4. Only use Bat Chutes in a real emergency
3. An engineer's cap and bandana add an element of fantasy and fun
2. There are no finer men and women than the officers of the New Canaan,
Connecticut, police department. They are the unsung heroes of the
twentieth century
1. When cutting through yards at night, look out for kids in tents
TOP TEN DEAR ABBY LETTER SIGNATURES
10. Bewildered in Baltimore
9. Can't Sit Down in San Pedro
8. Female, Bearded and Happy
7. Bitter Soon-tobe-Divorced Former Swedish Rock Star
6. Mr. Pelican Pants
5. Naked in James Garner's Garage
4. A Cleveland Baseball Team
3. Bryant Gumbel
2. In Prison and Loving It
1. P-Whipped in the White House
TOP TEN CHILDREN'S BOOKS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOCIATION
10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
8. Legends of Scab Football
7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina
6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can't Remember the Edings
to All of Them
4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Purse
3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica With Their Clothes Off
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
TOP TEN SOURCES OF FRICTION IN THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER-MARIA SHRIVER MARRIAGE
10. Language barrier
9. Forrest Sawyer drops in at all hours
8. Puts steroids in mint dish as practical joke
7. Uncle Ted always wants to arm wrestle
6. Thinks Jane Pauley is a "fabulous babe"
5. Refuses to learn words to "Edelweiss"
4. Muscle magazines leave no room in rack for "Town and Country"
3. Uses "bulking up" as an excuse to eat like a pig
2. Rose always wants to arm wrestlle
1. Body-oil on the upholstery
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CANDY BARS
10. Lug nut
9. Turkish Prison Taffy
8. Hardened Toothpaste Mint Patties
7. Sunoco Raisin Chews
6. Reverend Al's Marshmallow Medallions
5. Mexican Monkey Brittle
4. Good 'N' LLinty
3. Two Musketeers and a Guy with a Hacking Cough
2. Mookie Way
1. Roger Ebert's Mystery Log
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ATTRACTIONS AT DISNEY WORLD
10. The Raw Sewage Flume
9. Oprah Mountain
8. Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper
7. Parade of short actors in stifling animal suits
6. Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room
5. Muggyland
4. Hall of Vice Presidents
3. Walt's Walk-in Freezer and Crypt
2. Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp
1. Peter Pan's All-Male Cinema
TOP TEN LEAST-USED HYPHENATED WORDS
10. Lick-proof
9. Owl-flavored
8. Hat-resistant
7. Trunk-ripened
6. Gumbel-scented
5. Post-moistened
4. Hitler-riffic
3. Casket-tested
2. Pants-happy
1. Mookie-proofed
TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR CHER'S NEW PERFUME
10. I Smell You, Babe
9. It's Like Having a Tattoo in a Bottle
8. I'm Not Goinna Pay a Lot for This Perfume!
7. It's Cher-riffic!
6. The Crowning Touch to Excessive Plastic Surgery
5. It's Easier than Bathing
4. I Get 12 Cents for Every Bottle Sold
3. Now Any Middle-aged Woman Can Marry a Teenager
2. Easy-Pour Splatter-Proof Bottle
1. Bring Out the Bono in Your Man
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR PEPPERIDGE FARM COOKIES
10. Asbestos Snaps
9. Broccoloons
8. Tainted Oyster Dainties
7. Gravel Sandys
6. Cinnamon Sharptons
5. Cholestoral Chubbies
4. Spackle Swirlies
3. Mallomar Khaddafys
2. Monkey Clumps
1. Johnny Bench's Nut Cups
TOP TEN LEAST-LOVED CHRISTMAS STORIES
10. Ahahl and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling
9. The Sweatiest Angel
8. Santa's Three-Day Eggnog Bender
7. Christmas Eve at the All-Male Cinema
6. A Holiday Visit from Salmonella
5. Ironman Mike Tyson Hurts Santa Real Bad
4. My Christmas Sauna with Burl Ives
3. Jack Frost Loses the Feeling in His Extremities
2. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
1. The Teddy Bear Who Came to Life and Mauled a Retail Clerk
TOP TEN SUMMER JOBS IN HELL
10. Intestine adjuster
9. Professional bowler chaperone
8. Pit bull tickler
7. Rex Reed's living chair
6. Cleveland Indians ticket scalper
5. Personal scratcher to Mr. Ed Asner
4. Understudy to big Kool-Aid pitcher
3. Hornet groomer
2. Staff psychologist, Islamic Jihad
1. Human axle, Raymond Burr's town car
TOP TEN DUTIES OF THE NEW JAPANESE EMPEROR
10. Validate parking for world leaders who stayed more than 2 hours at funeral
9. Impress U.N. General Assembly by slicing tin can with Ginsu knife
8. Call Dan Quayle at 3 in the morning and scream "Banzai!" into phone
7. Record "Your lights are on" for use in all talking Toyotas
6. Befriend Pat Morita; find out who's gay in Holywood
5. Organize title fight between Mike Tyson and Mothra
4. Find "friends" for John Tower when he's in town
3. See that Yoko Ono's U.S. citizenship is kept up-to-date
2. Defend crown every 6 months as required by Wrold Wrestling Federation
bylaws
1. Make sure America isn't late with the rent check
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR BROADWAY SHOWS
10. Oprah-homa!
9. Sunday in the Park with George Steinbrenner
8. Twelve Angry Men and a Baby
7. Sharptonmania
6. Roy Rogers' Incontinent Dog and Monkey Rodeo
5. I'm Not gonna Pay a Lot for This Muffler: A Dramatic Reading by James Earl
Jones
4. David Brinkley's Enchanted World of Magic and Illusion
3. Meese!
2. Death of an Amway Salesman
1. Oh! Velveeta!
TOP TEN TERRIFYING THOUGHTS THAT COME TO YOU AS YOU'RE FALLING ASLEEP
10. What if there are *other* Stallone brothers?
9. That guy moving in next door looked a lot like Jon "Bowser" Bauman
8. Could I get a rash on the *inside* of my skin?
7. Did I really give Wendell my home number?
6. What if God is a lot like Howie Mandel?
5. I could've *sworn* I saw Jimmy the Greek behind the hamper!
4. What if the musical "Cats" *is* now and forever?
3. Is that *my* hand?
2. What the hell is in "secret sauce"?
1. What if John Gotti didn't think I was kidding?
TOP TEN THINGS LINCOLN WOULD SAY IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY
10. "Through the years, the Union has preservered."
9. "We must still strive to reach our goal of equality."
8. "How much money do I get from these Lincoln Logs?"
7. "I really like the taste of menthol cigarettes."
6. "What the hell is Donahue doing in Russia?"
5. "Why is the video store always out of `Mandingo'?"
4. "I really think I should have been the `king' in the Civil War chess set."
3. "Hey, babe, that's me on the five-dollar bill."
2. "Eeaagh! Iron bird!"
1. "That fruit Jefferson gets Monticello. I get a tunnel."
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT NEW YORK CITY PAY PHONES
10. "Nine-One-One?... Sure, I'll hold."
9. "Oooh. What's this goo on the earpiece?"
8. "Mr. Gotti, that `leaky pipe' won't be bothering you any more."
7. "It's a pushbutton phone, but I didn't use my fingers."
6. "This is Elvis. Any messages for me?"
5. "You don't know me, but your number spells out O-BITE-ME."
4. "This is Frank Stallone. I'm calling from my - uh - car phone."
3. "Gotta run - Don't want to miss a single minute of the Summer Olympic
coverage broadcast September fifteenth to October fourth - only on NBC!"
2. "Is that a thumb in the coin return?"
1. "Hello. Al Sharpton's office."
CAMPBELL'S TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR SOUPS
10. Cream of Gristle
9. Tomato Garagiola
8. Olf-fashioned Grease and Weasel
7. Mink Bisque
6. Turkey with Platforme
5. Tap Water and Lawn Trimmings
4. Turkish Prison Surprise
3. Bryant Gumbo
2. Sideburns 'N' Barley
1. Manhattan-Style Windex and Shrimp
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME INDUCTION CEREMONY
10. "Pleased to meet you, Bo. Is this *Mrs.* Diddley?"
9. "How was the food at the Betty Ford Center?"
8. "How come nobody's sitting with Albert Goldman?"
7. "The Archies haven't been the same since Jughead died."
6. "David Crosby wants to know if you're gonna finish your desert."
5. "I'm sorry, Mr. Yastrzemski, but you're at the wrong banquet."
4. "Keith is such a healthy blue color."
3. "Sure the pay is good, but working with Letterman every night really
sucks."
2. "Could you please life your head out of my salad?
1. "May I see some I.D., Mr. Presley?"
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN A G.E. REASEARCH LAB
10. "Wow! Look at that stuff burn!"
9. "I keep forgetting which is AC and which is DC."
8. "Are you crazy? Do you know how much a recall would cost?"
7. "Whoops!"
6. "Watch what happens when I toss these bolts into the turbine."
5. "Hey! I think this is the episode where they almost get off the island!"
4. "What we save on the radiation shield, we can put into advertising."
3. "The new guy developed a new long-lasting inexpensive filament. Kill him."
2. "The squid is no longer responding to the mind control. Aaiieeeeee!"
1. "Here comes the tour group. Put your pants on."
TOP TEN OTHER THREATS GOD MADE TO ORAL ROBERTS
10. Send him Redd Foxx as a houseguest
9. Make him a die-hard Seattle Mariners fan
8. Force him to spend lots of his free time with Judd Nelson
7. Have the figures on his Civil War chess set come alive and make fun of his
clothing
6. Give Fred "The Hammer" Williamson the power to strip-search him at any time
5. Force him to lend pocket comb to Jerry Lewis
4. Pepper his speech with "okie-dokies"
3. Disturb his sleep with 3 A.M. phone calls from a teary-eyed Larry King
2. Take all black players off the Oral Robert University basketball team
1. Make him spend eternity in a Bonanza Steakhouse with Carol Channing
TOP TEN THINGS COMMUNISTS ARE NO DAMN GOOD AT
10. Surfing
9. Imitating Elvis
8. Laying rubber in front of the Dairy Queen
7. Arena football
6. Stage-diving at Motorhead concerts
5. Broadcasting warm sitcoms featuring lovable black families
4. Naming soft ice cream cakes
3. Ball-scuffing
2. Producing a boxer with as much heart as Rocky
1. Guessing Final Jeopardy
TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF DISNEY WORLD
10. Driving down Main Street U.S.A. with Bambi's mother strapped to your fender
9. Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat
8. Boarding the monorail and announcing you're Bernie Goetz
7. Taunting the guy in the Pluto costume for not being able to get a better
job
6. Declaring loudly "I *do* believe in Tinkerbell!" in the men's room
5. Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-whacker
4. After biting into snack bar sandwich saying, "I taste mouse!"
3. Taking a leak in the Enchanted Forest
2. Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear
1. Bringing your own mouse suit
TOM BROKAW'S TOP TEN TURN-ONS
10. Long walks on the beach
9. A perfumed bath on a rainy afternoon
8. Raisa Gorbachev in a waitress uniform
7. Doing the news with no pants on
6. When they sneak some swear words into a PG movie
5. Connie Chung's discarded makeup sponges
4. Slow dancing in the White House briefing room
3. Body glitter
2. Hang-gliding nude over state prisons
1. Fat checkout girls who wear a ton of makeup
TOP TEN UNPLEASANT THINGS TO HEAR ON AN ELEVATOR
10. "Does this look infected to you?"
9. "Do you know these pants are reversible?"
8. "Hold the door! Willard's coming!"
7. "The acoustics in this elevator are perfet for yodeling."
6. "Sorry about my finger. I was aiming for a button."
5. "Would you do a number for us, Miss Channing?"
4. "We're both going for the fourteenth floor. How about a hug?"
3. "I'm not just a Jehovah's Witness - I also sell insurance."
2. "Does this smell like root beer to you?"
1. "Just ignore Duke. We're going to have him fixed soon."
TOP TEN WAYS AMERICAN CARS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF RALPH NADER HAD NEVER BEEN
BORN
10. Dashboard hibachis
9 Seat belts made out of piano wire
8. Windshield replaced with ant farm for the kids
7. Strobe headlights make oncoming traffic look like an old-time movie
6. 50-foot antennas allow you to broadcast while driving
5. Optional front-seat hammocks
4. Wiper fluid reservoir routinely filled with Thousand Island dressing
3. New York City taxis would be exactly the same
2. The paper Buick
1. Speedometer replaced with electronic voice chanting "Punch it! Punch it!"
TOP TEN REJECTED CIRCUS SLOGANS
10. Catch clown fever!
9. Come smell the excitement!
8. Yes! We have middle-aged women in spangled bikinis!
7. Don't wear shoes you care about.
6. The lowest-paid performers on earth - we pass the savings on to you!
5. Our clowns have all their shots!
4. No shirt. No shoes. No problem!
3. Come see us before the immigration department does!
2. Ever see camels do it?
1. Come have a corndog with the human torso!
TOP TEN WAYS LAS VEGAS IS BETTER THAN PARIS
10. Vegas not crawling with Frenchmen
9. Impossible to get "I Crapped Out in Paris" T-shirts
8. Hard to get change in the Louvre at 4 A.M.
7. Paris inconveniently located thousands of miles from nuclear test sites
6. Sorbonne basketball team is five tiny white guys
5. Paris: men in berets on bicycles. Las Vegas: orangutans in cowboy hats
on unicycles
4. Vegas didn't lose a single inch of ground to the Nazi war machine
3. Palace of Versailles does not offer double jackpot time every 15 minutes
2. Ten dollars won't buy you sex act in desert outside Paris
1. Las Vegans: hardworking, patriotic citizens. Parisians: lazy, wine-
swilling cheeseheads
TOP TEN WAYS DAN RATHER COULD CONCLUDE "THE CBS EVENING NEWS"
10. Put finger in cheek; make cork-popping sound
9. Pretend to "sweep up" spotlight on floor
8. Say "Nighty-night" and put head on desk
7. Reveal which news story of the evening was the fake one
6. Lick lips and say, "Mmm-mmm, time for pie!"
5. Give coded message to "Li'l Newshounds" fan club
4. Wink and say, "Pour the gin, Lydia, I'm on my way home."
3. Hurl sweat-soaked scarf to female fans
2. Light big cigar and say, "Ha-ha! See you tomorrow, suckers!"
1. Feed carrot to CBS News bunny
TOP TEN WAYS TO ADD EXCITEMENT TO A LONG CAR TRIP
10. Play "auto-bingo"
9. Try to eat ear of corn while steering
8. Play connect-the-dots with dead bugs on windshield
7. Practice sudden bootlegger turns
6. When traffic is light, drop pants around your ankles
5. Have long conversations with imaginary friends after picking up hitchhikers
4. Lean on horn and swerve as you approach stalled motorists
3. Tune to static on radio and pretend you're the last person on earth
2. See how long you can drive with your eyes closed
1. Talk guy behind counter at Stuckey's into leaving family and joining you
TOP TEN REJECTED DONAHUE TOPICS
10. People who keep thinking it's Tuesday
9. Heterosexual men who worship Judy Garland
8. Problems of guys named Don
7. People who have seen Raymond Burr naked
6. Blacks who really get a kick out of Sonny Bono
5. Department store Santas who marry their customers
4. People who swear Rex Reed stares in their windows at night
3. Invisible mute people who don't show up on videotape
2. Women who just can't forget Ted Bessell
1. Professional bowlers who touch themselves
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE GEORGE BUSH MORE EXCITING
10. Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV
9. Divorce Barbara; marry 13-year-old cousin
8. Stick his tongue in Sam Donaldson's ear during press conference
7. Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna Arquette; return with
necklace made of bear teeth
6. Change campaign slogan from "Bush in 88" to "Party with the Bushmeister"
5. Answer questions on "Meet the Press" with "I'm too drunk to remember"
4. Have him bend standing microphone into pretzel shape; give to cub reporter
as souvenir
3. Nickname him George "the sexecutioner" Bush
2. Start hanging with Earth, Wind and Fire
1. Shorter speeches, tighter pants
TOP TEN WAYS PEOPLE PRONOUNCE "BOLOGNA"
10. Balogna (Ba Lo Nah)
9. Baloney (Ba Lo Nee)
8. Balonia (Ba Lo Nya)
7. Ballooning (Ba Lun Ing)
6. Fellini (Fe Lee Nee)
5. Abalone (A Buh Lo Nee)
4. Papillon (Pa Pee Yon)
3. Aloney-bae (Uh Lo Nee Bay)
2. Bloney (Blo Nee)
1. Bumoney (Buh Mo Nee)
TOP TEN UNSAFE TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS
10. Junior Electrician Outlet Panel
9. Hasbro's Slippery Steps
8. Black & Decker Silly Driller
7. Roof Hanger Paratrooper Outfit
6. Remco's Pocket Hive
5. Traffic Tag
4. Will It Burn? From Parker Brothers
3. Chimney Explorer
2. My First Ferret Farm
1. Ooh - You're Blue!, the Hold-Your-Breath Game
TOP TEN PROM THEMES
10. We remember Khomeini
9. Our Sagging Dollar
8. A Night in Drew Barrymore's Basement
7. Mudslide!
6. The Best Years of Our Lives Are Now Over
5. Satanic Teenage Time Bombs
4. Surrounded by Infected Ticks
3. Our Crummy Gym with a Couple of Streamers
2. Rob Lowe Pajama Party
1. McDonalds is Hiring
TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO SCOTTISH DIRTY JOKES
10. It took me a fortnight to get out all the thistles
9. I didn't know you could also get wool from them!
8. It's not a bagpipe, but don't stop playing
7. What made you think I was talking about golf?
6. I've heard of comin' through the rye - but this is ridiculous!
5. Of course she's served millions - she's a McDonald
4. Oh, so *you're* Wade Boggs
3. Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster?
2. Who's burning argyles?
1. She's in the distillery making Johnnie Walker Red
TOP TEN RASTA EXPRESSIONS OR BASEBALL CHATTER
10. Hey batter, hey batter
9. Him a natty dread mon
8. Lively up yourself
7. No batter, no batter
6. Easy out
5. Ride, natty, ride
4. Stick it in his ear
3. Hungry mon is an angry mon
2. Make him pitch to ya
1. Eash shanking / Hum babe (tie)
TOP TEN INTERVIEW QUESTIONS ASKED MISS AMERICA CONTESTANTS
10. Which is your favorite dancing raisin?
9. Can you spell your home state without looking at your banner?
8. How does it feel to be the only contestant with a fat butt?
7. How much of your scholarship money have you lost in the slots?
6. If you were stranded on a desert island with a shampoo for oily hair and
creme rinse for dry hair - what would you do?
5. Aren't there any other girls in your state?
4. Don't you want to put some ointment on that?
3. Are those real?
2. Don't you have anything better to do?
1. Would you consider teaming up with Miss Teen U.S.A. to fight crime like
Batman and Robin?
PRINCESS DIANA'S TOP TEN COMPAINTS ABOUT PRINCE CHARLES
10. Repulsive orange teeth after scarfing down entire bag of Cheetos
9. Threatens me with beheading for leaving mylons hanging in bathroom
8. Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards
7. That phony British accent
6. Never puts the cap back on the mango love butter
5. Unfavorably compares cooking of my chef to cooking of his mother's chef
4. Laughs like a hyena at reruns of "The Jeffersons"
3. Always calls Pizza Hut before we've decided on topping we want
2. Constantly slips and calls me "Oprah"
1. Wears "Home of Big Ben" boxer shorts
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE U.S. IS BETTER THAN SWITZERLAND
10. Our cheese comes in individual slices
9. Our army carries loot-long baynoets; their army carries corkscrews and
tweezers
8. Swiss heavyweight champion cries like a baby when he gets hit
7. Swiss noontime cuckoo din causes ears to bleed
6. So-called "little girls" in Heidi costumes actually hard-boiled midgets
with rap sheets as long as your arm
5. Countdown of Top 40 yodelling hits wears thin around number 20
4. People on Swiss steets routinely get into fistfights over correct time
3. Swiss steak. 'Nuff said
2. While they were dipping fondue, we were kicking Nazi butt
1. We don't have the word "Switzer" in our name
TOP TEN REJECTED NAMES FOR JOAN COLLINS' PERFUME
10. Fleet's in!
9. Who's Frying Eggs?
8. Better than that Crap Linda Evans is Selling
7. Sixtysomething
6. If Symptoms Persist, Contact Your Doctor
5. Suddenly Exxon!
4. Kennel Cough
3. Joan Collins' Latest Cynical Attempt to Cash in on Her Popularity before
the Whole World Gets Sick and Tired of Her Once and for All
2. *Really* Old Spice
1. Next!
TOP TEN REJECTED PROVISIONS OF THE CONSTITUTION
10. President may not use army and navy to get back at guy who beat him up in
junior high school
9. Give vote to dogs who "think they're people"
8. When the flag passes, everybody has to open eyes as wide as they can and
say "Gollee!"
7. Third House of Congress to be filled by really fat guys
6. If President and Vice President die suddenly, office shall be filled by
People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive"
5. Cruel and unusual punishment is okay on Andy Rooney
4. The national bird must be served on a bun, never on a stick
3. Each state will have the right to claim they have the hottest-looking
babes
2. Damage deposit of $24 required before renting White House for keg parties
1. The President can change his last name as often as he likes
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT CHEF BOY-AR-DEE IS LOSING HIS MIND
10. Believes Spaghetti-Os can be used as birth-control device
9. Obsessed with idea of tomato-based cologne
8. Recently got engaged to Robin Givens
7. Test marketing "Pasta 'N' Thumbs"
6. At recent sales meeting, dropped pants and said "Let's put the *Boy* back
in Boy-ar-dee!"
5. Paranoid delusion that his wife is sleeping with Uncle Ben
4. Every few minutes, and for no apparant reason, yells "Bingo!" at the top
of his lungs
3. Believes he is Mrs. David Letterman
2. Instead of traditional chef's "OK" sign, now just gives the finger
1. Taken to splashing himself with spaghetti sauce and wandering through bus
station chanting "Lick me!"
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
