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jokes of the day
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 7-JUL-1992 06:59:30.24
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Today's_Jokes
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
[Yes, I screwed up the mail message and appended the new user intro
to about half of the mail messages that I sent out. Sorry... A fluke
of the software that will be gone soon. At any rate, keep the ideas
coming. (I've gotten a few good ones so far, but could use a few more)
jk]
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: Kamran Mobarekeh Iranpour <[email protected]>
You may know the danish girl Birgitte Nilsen , used to be the wife of
Silvester stalone , in denmark it's a joke about her:
What has Birgitte's legs commen with the Beatles ?
-They havn't been together since 1970.
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: [email protected] (Andrew Hackard)
Subject: William Tell
{Told to me by my father, who always has a good joke handy...}
A guy walks into a bar, orders his drink, and notes a highly unusual painting
stretching the full length of the bar and mounted to the ceiling. It has
eight naked women on it; six alternating facing forward and backward, and the
last two both facing backward. After admiring this masterwork for a while,
he asks the bartender--who was watching this with amusement--what the title
of the painting is.
"The William Tell Overture", replies the barkeep.
"The WHAT?"
"William Tell Overture...you know, titty rump titty rump titty rump rump rump."
*_____________________________________________________________________________*
|_____________________________________________________________________________|
This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one
week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent
mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I
could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how
much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent
ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of
heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how
many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me
vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar
vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help
me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a ticket!"
_______________________________________________________________________________
(From "News of the Weird")
From Toto Ltd. of Japan comes the Sound Princess, whose only function is to
emit the sound of flushing water so that modest public restroom users, who
flush to mask the sound of their activity, will not have to waste water.
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: [email protected] (Robert Kennedy Corell)
Subject: The most useful thing
A friend of mine, Mike Rune, and I were having a drunken discussion on
our way to Virginia. I commented that I thought the most useful thing
in the world was a Swiss Army Knife. He disagreed and said that a woman
was the most useful thing in the world. I scoffed and said, "Well, what
do you do if you have a can you want to open and all you have is a
woman?"
"You fuck her."
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: [email protected] (Anthony DeBoer)
Subject: The Normalcy of Living in Drainage Culverts
(From the news on CFNY FM 102 this morning):
The police in Sarnia, Ontario, recently received a call that a man had
been seen living in a drainage culvert. They promptly dispatched two of
their finest to check out this report. The officers did indeed find a man
living in a culvert, and attempted to reason with him. "Sir," they said,
"it's not normal to be living inside of a drainage culvert." The man
pulled a piece of paper from his sack of posessions, and replied that he
had just been released from a mental institution, and had a certificate,
signed by an expert in the field, saying that he was perfectly sane. "Do
either of you have one?", he asked the officers, who were left speechless.
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: [email protected]
This one is a true story from someone I know who serves in the National Guard
and was called down to LA during the riots.
--------------
Best story I heard ... The Marines were backing-up L.A.P.D. on a call that
someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to
"cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your
weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of
fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178
rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at
this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".
_______________________________________________________________________________
(From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man":)
Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six,
presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs
of 3. Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have
a weekend.
_______________________________________________________________________________
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of
Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher
percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden
moves around than any other city in the world."
-- David Letterman
_______________________________________________________________________________
[Selected things to do when you run over the Neighbor's cat]
(b) wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think
they did it.
© paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat
in the middle so they think that crazy satanists did it.
(d) throw the cat into my other neighbour's yard.
(h) put the cat in a tree, call the fire department
and let them try to explain it.
(n) drive over the rest of the cat's in the neighbourhood
and claim that you're was on a mission from god.
_______________________________________________________________________________
A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday
night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait,
one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked,
bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car.
He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head
in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.
Of course he doesn't get very far at all before the cop is on him,
and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car,
sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much
effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The
driver fails all the tests miserably: can't touch nose, can't walk
straight, can't stand on one foot, can't recite a speedy alphabet.
The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks
his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. In disbelief, the
cop checks the breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another
green light--the guy's blood-alcohol level is legal.
"Alright," says the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're
so obviously falling-down drunk?"
"Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "I'm the designated decoy."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Q: What did the one crocodile say to the other crocodile?
A: What's with the long face?
_______________________________________________________________________________
During Operation Desert Storm, Gen. Schwartzkopf was walking about in the
Kuwaiti desert, and stumbled across something in the sand. Uncovering it, he
found an old lamp. He took the lamp back to his tent and proceded to polish it
up, and (of course) out pops a Genie. The Genie thanked Schwartzkopf for
releasing him from imprisonment, and told him that he would grant him any wish
that he desired. The General thought a moment and then unrolled a map of the
Middle East onto his table. He explained to the Genie about the wars that had
been ravaging the entire area, and his one wish was for peace throughout the
region. The Genie responded that he and his ancestors had been working on that
problem for several thousand years, had had no success, and now consider it
hopeless. He asked the General if there was another wish he could grant
instead. Schwartzkopf thought for a moment and finally said that he wished
that the Chicago Cubs could finally win a World Series. The Genie pondered a
moment and then said, "Why don't we take another look at that map?"
_______________________________________________________________________________
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