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jokes of the day

From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 5-JUL-1992 22:59:14.56
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Today's_Jokes

To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]

From: Vern Chibber <[email protected]>
Subject: Stupid things:

On the back of a box of Preperation H the label says: Use only as directed.
What are we gonna do? Put it on crackers?

On the label of Nytol (sleeping pills): After taking Nytol do not operate
heavy machinery. Doesn't everybody get in their jammies, pop a couple of
sleeping pills and go use the bulldozer in the back yard????

While you are changing a tire on the side of a road, anybody ever pull up
and say: Have a flat?
What are you supposed to say? Naw! I just rotate my tires every 2000 miles
no matter where I am.

_______________________________________________________________________________

From: robert allen arko <[email protected].edu>

{This is an actual alert to IBM Field engineers that went out to all
IBM Branch Offices.}

Subject: IBM Mouse Ball replacement

Mouse Balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or it should perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate
nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be
attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
pop-off method. Domestic balls can be replaced using the twist-off
method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of
ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

_______________________________________________________________________________

From: Doug Dickey <AABNK1%[email protected]>

Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street. One said to the other,
"I lost an electron." The other asked, "Are you sure?" The first
answered, "I'm positive." (Dawn Ansello, Beverly, Mass.)

_______________________________________________________________________________

From: [email protected]
Subject: BUSHISMS: (Compiled by the Editors of THE NEW REPUBLIC).

"It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a former president,
'If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.' We took them
literally - that advice - as you know. But I didn't need that,
because I have Barbara Bush."
-to the American Association of
Community and Junior Colleges
Convention in Washington, D.C.
The convention had recognized
the First Lady for her work in
promoting literacy.
3/30/89

*_____________________________________________________________________________*
|_____________________________________________________________________________|

Q: Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coup?

A: If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Why don't chickens have tits?

Because roosters don't have hands.

_______________________________________________________________________________

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

_______________________________________________________________________________

From: [email protected] (Thomas A. Bartlett)
Subject: The juvenile sea squirt...

From CONSCIOUSNESS EXPLAINED, by Daniel Dennett, p. 177

"The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching
for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make
its home for life. For this task, it has a rudimentary
nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it
doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it! (It's rather
like getting tenure.)"

_______________________________________________________________________________

Excerpts from: Year in Review for 1987 -by Dave Barry

January

5 -- In response to growing pressure from the United States, the
government of Colombia vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if
necessary, remove them from the cabinet.

28 -- In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to
"Jordan." A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining
civilians are taken hostage.

February

19 -- Mario Cuomo announces that he doesn't want to be president and
immediately becomes the Democratic front-runner.

April

22 -- Crack U.S. counter-intelligence agents in Moscow begin to suspect
that the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow, constructed by Soviet labor, might
be bugged, when one of them sneezes in the ambassador's office and six
chairs say, "Gesundheit."

May

29 -- Nineteen-year-old German Mathias Rust, flying a single-engined
Cessna airplane, manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach
Red Square in Moscow, where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta
Air Lines flight en route from Pittsburgh to Cleveland.

30 -- Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes.

June

2 -- True Item: In the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings, the committee
learns that a country named "Brunei" contributed $10 million to help the
Contras, except Fawn Hall or somebody typed a wrong number, so the money
ended up in the Swiss bank account of a total stranger. This helps
explain why, despite all the elaborate assistance efforts with secret
codes and passwords and everything, the only actual aid ever received by
the Contras was a six-month trial subscription to Guns and Ammo.

August

6 -- As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most
popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called -- this is
true -- "Contra." The way it works is, there are are two soldiers on
the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them.

10 -- The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years
and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of
Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines
jet.

September

8 -- Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, "Men Are
Scum."

17 -- The market-savvy McDonald's corporation, capitalizing on the
popularity of the movie "Fatal Attraction," introduces a new menu item,
Boiled McRabbits.

28 -- Tensions ease in the Persian Gulf as a Delta Air Lines flight, en
route from Boston to Newark, successfully lands on the U.S. carrier
Avocado.

October

3 -- Sen. Joseph Biden is forced to withdraw from the Democratic
presidential race when it is learned that he is in fact an elderly
Norwegian woman. On the Republican side, the spectacularly Rev. Pat
Robertson announces his candidacy for president, buoyed by strong
popularity among humor columnists.

November

22 -- In ceremonies marking his retirement as secretary of defense,
Caspar Weinberger is presented with a pen-and-pencil set, built by the
General Dynamics Corp. for $352.4 million.

December

15 -- Under intense pressure from the U.S. to reduce the trade deficit,
Japanese auto manufacturers agree to give their cars really ugly names.

18 -- Playboy magazine offers Tammy Faye Bakker a record $1.5 million if
she will promise never, ever to pose nude.

_______________________________________________________________________________

From: [email protected] (LARRY WAXLER)

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of Scotch.

The bartender lines up ten glasses, pours out the shots and asks
"So, what's your problem?"

The man responds, "I have several children and I love them all
dearly, but I just found out that my oldest son is gay." He
drinks down the 10 shots and staggers out of the bar.

Several weeks pass and the man returns and asks for ten more shots
of Scotch.

The bartender lines up ten glasses, pours out the shots and asks,
"Back again, what's your problem this time?"

The man responds, "I just found out that my other son is gay."
Once again he drinks down the 10 shots and staggers out of the
bar.

Several more weeks pass and the man returns again and asks for ten
more shots of Scotch.

The bartender lines up ten glasses, pours out the shots and asks
"Not again, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

"Yes, my daughter", says the man.

_______________________________________________________________________________

From: [email protected] (david geist)
Subject: Similes, colloquiums, haberdasheries......

It's raining like a two-peckered bull pissing
on a flat rock.

The amount I know about ______ you could slap
up a gnat's ass with a butter paddle.

I haven't seen _______ since Christ was a
Corporal.

_______________________________________________________________________________

[Coming soon- More Administrivia, but not today... B-) Have a weekend. -jk]



 
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