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Jokes of the day
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 1-JUL-1992 05:39:20.95
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Today's_Jokes
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
[Hi Ho.
I work at <a utility company> that has security card readers on all of the
entrances, exits, and important internal doors. Employees must have their
creditcard-like ID cards to run across the scanner, or they cannot open the
doors.
This morning, a co-worker of mine left to run across the street to the
gas station to pick up some candy bars and pops for all of us minding the
fort. When he got back, however, he found that he could not work the
door mechanism, hold the drinks, and his card up against the scanner
at the same time. After a few trials, he managed to do it by holding the
card against the scanner with his head, and turning the knob with the
hands holding the drinks.
He then walked through the entire length of the building, climbed three
flights of stairs, and eventually came to the computer room, which again
required his ID -- only he didn't have it.
He sat the drinks on the ground, and searched his pockets; Nothing.
"Fine," he thought, "I must have dropped it in he hall," So he backtracked
all the way to the door, looking for places he might have dropped it; but
no luck.
He got to the front door, which had just been opened up by the morning
security guard.
"Hi." he said to the guard, "I was through here not five minutes ago."
"Uh-huh."
"...but I can't, for the life of me, seem to find my ID."
"Uh-huh."
"I had it to get through the door, but I did not have it when I got to the
next one."
"Uh-huh."
"I've backtracked my entire path, and I didn't find it."
"Uh-huh."
"Have you seen it?"
And the guard said; "Its stuck to your forehead."
_______
Well, it was really funny to visualize after a 12 hour shift...
And now, on to the humor, which is not the normal lot, anyway. This particular
mailing is full of *large* jokes. They, however, are worth the set-up time.]
_______________________________________________________________________________
[This was contributed by a listmember, but I accidently deleted it before
I noted who.... (send me mail and I'll give you credit next time...)-jk]
STATE OF OHIO
DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
451 HIGH STREET
George Voinovich COLUMBUS, OH 43210 Ralph G. Pacheco
Governor Phone (614) 445-8627 Director
FAX (614) 445-3225
BULLETIN NO. 91-92
------------------
DATE: January 7, 1992
TO: All Ohio Insurance Agents
FROM: Ohio Department of Insurance
SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches
Pursuant to the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles Act No. 97-12, all motor
vehicles sold in the State of Ohio after February 15, 1992, will be required
to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted to the floorboard. The dimmer
switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing
the switch by the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from
the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.
Included in the above act and beginning June 1, 1992, all other vehicles
with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a
floorboard mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering
column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.
Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming Ohio
Safety Inspection program which will begin on this date.
It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving public.
However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. Ohio
DMV Act 92-13 will revert all Ohio motor vehicles to the prevalent dimmer
system in use prior to the influx of foreign market vehicles. A recent
study entitled the "Inflation Sequence in Ohio Nightime Highway Traffic
Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles
and the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicle Research. It has shown that
96% of all Ohio nightime highway accidents are caused by a blonde getting
her foot caught in the steering wheel........
*_____________________________________________________________________________*
|_____________________________________________________________________________|
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held every year at San Jose State
University by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward
George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular
(in his time) novelist. He is best known today for having written
"The Last Days of Pompeii."
Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night...." he is borrowing from
Lord Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul
Clifford," written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents --
except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent
gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that
our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely
agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the
darkness."
The contest is to write the worst opening line to a novel that hasn't
yet been published. Literally tens of thousands of entries are
submitted and judged in various categories, including worst western
novel opening, worst science fiction entry, worst romance novel, and
worst overall. These have been collected by Professor Rice and
published by Penguin books as "It was a Dark and Stormy Night," "Son of
'It was a Dark and Stormy Night'," and "Bride of Dark and Stormy."
These are unrelentingly funny books, and I recommend them to you
whole-heartedly.
Herewith are some of the winners over the past few years:
"Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone
forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but
oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank,
and due to an over-dose of flouride as a child which caused her to
suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor
of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred
pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center."
-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
1987 Winner: "The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada
geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically
pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by
cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I
knew Pittsburgh.
1986 Winner: "The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in
two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy
and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant
for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or
even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the
little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears
might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let
you know."
1985 Winner: "The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when
Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly
and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably---the first of many
such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most
memorable, space voyage of my career."
1985 Grand Panjandrum's Special Award 1985: "Sheriff Chameleotoptor
sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and
said 'The Senator must really have been on a bender this time---he
left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found
his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier
in the Formosa Straits.'"
1984 Winner: "The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to
the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe
now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of
the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that
chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal!'"
Grand Panjandrum's Special Award 1984: "Awash with unfocused desire,
Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the
presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push
through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville
Dam in 1959."
1983 Winner: "The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and
Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable
nails---not for the first time since the journey begain---pondered
snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences
like all the other holidays spent with Basil."
Other randomly selected entries:
"In these uncertain times, one must think of others' viewpoints, and
always remember that a crowded elevator smells different to a midget."
"The surface of the strange, forbidden planet was roughly textured and
green, much like cottage cheese gets way after the date on the lid
says it is all right to buy it."
"In today's lesson, boys and girls, (from our super-secret book of
things we don't always tell our mommies and daddies), we are going to
learn about all the wonderful fun things you can make with a
combination of feather dusters, English peas, and your next-door
neighbor's kitty cat."
"We'd made it through yet another nuclear winter and the lawn had just
trapped and eaten its first robin."
"'Cha, cha, cha!' I whispered merrily in Mary Ellen's ear, as I
escorted her stiff and lifeless body around the dance floor, proud of
the envy I aroused in the fellows who had always dreamed of being this
close to the once vibrant cheerleader, but more than a little ashamed
of the means I had to use to get this date."
"Reginald was a little surprised at Lady Gwendolyn's exuberance on
their wedding night, but not nearly as surprised as he was when he
discovered that the two white bands he had mistaken for sexy
stocking-garters encircling Lady Gwendolyn's delicate thighs were, in
fact, a pair of Hertz Flea and Tick Collars."
"As the newest Lady Turnpot descended into the kitchen wrapped only
in her celery-green dressing gown, her creamy bosom rising and falling
like a tempermental souffle, her tart mouth pursed in distaste, the
sous-chef whispered to the scullery boy, 'I don't know what to make of
her,'"
"The dirty gray sky hung over the city like the sneeze shield on
God's salad bar, as Jake watched from his grimy window, cursing the
spectacle that, to him, was just so much of God's broccoli and carrot
medley in light hollandaise, which he, like the president, just
couldn't stomach anymore,"
"Santa, bruised and bloodied from his encounter with a mountain
peak, surveyed the damage: his sled a write-off, the presents
hopelessly scattered, and fifty days hike to the North Pole, but at
least he had a lot of venison."
The best entry in the Purple Prose category was submitted by
"The sun crept up into the crack of dawn like cheap underwear."
"Helena was like a flower shimmering in the morning dew, a delicate
pink rose glistening in the early sun, well, not all pink, just her
cheeks, which weren't really delicate pink but beefy red and not dewy
but covered with perspiration, no, sweat -- really Helen was red and
sweaty and she didn't smell very good, either."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask... > There are
five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an
article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer
properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a
lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy
was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife,
Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of
thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel
the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the
room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you
were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or
an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response
is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise,
life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself
under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the
following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask
such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old
clothes? "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me
and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd
let
her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
_______________________________________________________________________________
I work for the U.S. Geological Survey as a computer programmer /
electrical engineer. One of my more mundane tasks is fixing broken
equipment. We have a lot of really old terminals around, and it seems
that different brands of terminals always fail in characteristic ways.
So... a user comes into my office clutching a GraphOn 140 monochrome
graphics terminal. There are soot stains on the top! Now, the problem I
*ALWAYS* see with the GO-140 is the plug on the 117 in desolders itself
due to heat inside the case (scientists like to stack paper and books
on top of thier terminals ;-). When this happens, the terminals blink
off, it cools down, and comes back on. So, I always just re-melt the
solder and blob a little more on there, and the problem goes away for
another year.
But what happened to this one? After all, there's this soot that is
around the cooling slots. I open it up, and the board around the 117
connection on the circuit board has completely burned away, leaving a
2" hole in the middle of the power supply board. Components are hanging
from the twisted remnants of traces.
I ask the fellow, who is a manager, how long the terminal had been
smoking. He replied "Oh, for about a week." Dumbfounded, I asked him
if he turned his terminal off at night. The answer was no... he had
left his terminal gently smoking in his office all night every night.
Absolutely amazed at this manager's level of intelligence, I gently
suggested that if he ever found a piece of electronic equipment smoking
in our office or lab that he unplug it and call me for help. He said
"Really? Well you should write a policy memo then!" (It became apparent
that he blamed me for his terminal failure because I had never written
a policy memo concerning flaming terminals).
So I did. (I don't have it with me, I'm at home right now). Basically,
aside from the USGS logo at the top, and the from:/to:/subject:/date:
garbage, it says:
If your terminal is on fire, unplug it and call Ben Mesander for help.
_______________________________________________________________________________
[It helps if you can at least recognize C programming structures for this
one -jk]
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include <sex.h>
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
_______________________________________________________________________________
[Hi- Me here. Yes, we all know how I hate administrivia, but something has
come up that I did not cover in the intro message.
Rules for passing the contents of this mailing around.
1) Quote the sources, If I gave them. (You don't have to leave *my* name
on, but you can if you like...)
2) Pass the list entirely if you want.
3) DO NOT SEND THEM TO A NON-HUMOR NEWSGROUP IN SUCH A MANNER THAT IT
APPEARS THAT *I* POSTED IT.
Perhaps you noticed a little accentuation on number 3, I can't imagine why.
Ok, I can. There are quite a few mail packages that allow you to
bounce messages to other people, and they only add a "Sender:" line.
This is fine, but if you do it to a newsgroup, the FROM and REPLY-TO
fields will not be changed, and to the average user, who does not look
for a "Sender:" line, it looks like I have posted the mailing. Normally,
not a biggie, but if the group happens to be SOC.CULTURE.IRANIAN Jeff ends
up with a *large* amount of hate-mail for posting non-relevant material
to a newsgroup. So, in a nutshell, if you really-really-really-really-really
want to, you can post the entire mailing to a newsgroup, and you can leave
my name on it, but please do not do it in such a way that it looks like
I sent it, because I get too much hate mail as it is...
Yes, someone did this, No, I will not say who, No, there are no hard feelings.
Just *please* don't anybody else get any ideas... -jk]
[p.s. Happy Wednesday]
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