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Jokes of the day #2
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 26-JUN-1992 07:25:37.86
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Today's_Jokes
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
[Administrivia du Jour:
The defnition of Infinite That I scalped from a Listmember's Signature
was scalped from One of Douglas Adam's Hitchhiker books, thanks all 92 of
you who noticed and decided to yell at me for it... B=) ]
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: [email protected] (Andrew Hackard)
It was recently announced that the Bangles would get back together, but with
Michael Jackson as their lead singer. Current plans are for the first single
to be reworking of two of their hits; the new songs will be "A Hazy Shade of
Gender" backed with "Walk Like a Caucasian".
*_____________________________________________________________________________*
|_____________________________________________________________________________|
From: [email protected].edu (Joan Young)
Subject: MISSPELLED CHARACTORS
LITTLE BOA PEEP - shepherdess who absentmindedly ate her own
flock.
JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHE - Wall Street baroquer.
MOOSES - Hebrew prophet who parted the Maine woods.
PERRY MASSON - television lawyer who will solve no case before
its time.
EVICTOR HUGO - French landlord and author, "Lease Miserables"
XEROXES - Persian photocopy king.
ERICH MARINA REMARQUE - author, "All Quiet On The Waterfront."
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: [email protected] (Ray Deonandan)
Subject: cherry
Two Newfies and a French Canadian (enough Newfie jokes, lets pick
on the Quebecois for a while) wre driving through the Ontario
countryside when their car broke down. Luckily, they were near
a farmhouse. So they knocked on the door and asked the gruff
old farmer if they could stay the night.
The farmer agreed, but only on one bizarre condition. He told
them to go out into his field, pick any fruit or vegetable
they could find, then to return to the farmhouse.
Some time later, the two Newfies found themselves dead and in line
at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter was there, listening to their
tale. "Okay," said Saint Peter, "You went out and found some
fruits and vegetables. How did you die?"
"Well," continued one of the Newfies, "My friend here returned
first with a cherry. Then the farmer pointed his gun at him and
commanded: 'stick that cherry up your ass, and if you laugh
I'll shoot you!'"
"And?" prompted Saint Peter.
"He laughed, and the farmer shot him."
"Why did you laugh?" Peter asked the 2nd Newfie.
"It tickled," he said.
"Then it was my turn," continued the first newfie. "I had also
brought a cherry, and the farmer pointed his gun at me and
told me the same thing. I laughed and he shot me."
"Why did YOU laugh?" Saint Peter asked.
"I saw the French Canadian coming up the walkway with a watermelon."
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: [email protected] (Rohan Oberoi)
Subject: limerick...
There was a young girl of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When someone asked why
She replied, with a sigh:
"It's because I always try to get as many words
into the last line as I possibly can."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Heard on a local radio program......
And coming up in the news, further reports from West Germany on the
historic meeting between the Mayors of West and East Berlin at a new
gate in the wall, near the Brandenburg Gate. The meeting began with the
two officials exchanging greetings, and then, as a gesture of good will,
the Mayor of East Germany handed over the 650,000 tennis balls that they
had accumulated over the last 28 years.
_______________________________________________________________________________
(From "News of the Weird")
Baltimore police arrested Thomas Waddell, 25, in October for stealing 30
homing pigeons, valued at several hundred dollars, from a neighbor. An
officer had found him walking oddly down the street because 21 of the
pigeons were stuffed in his clothes. The office said, "He looked like
the Michelin tire ad."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Why is ET a feminist?
Because he looks like one.
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: BACS Data Communications Group <[email protected]>
Subject: diplomas and condoms
Q: Why is a diploma like a condom?
A: It's rolled up when you get it,
it represents a lot of effort,
it's worthless the next day.
_______________________________________________________________________________
It was really tough work being an Apostle of Jesus. Can you imagine
the hours? What if you wanted a day off? So you call up Jesus and say,
"Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I
won't be able to make it to today's Sermon.......what........say that
again, you say I'm cured?"
_______________________________________________________________________________
The original Star Trek crew is getting a little old.
Capt. Kirk just flew the Enterprise 2 million light
years with the left turn signal on.
Jay Leno
_______________________________________________________________________________
While filming a chase scene in a movie, the robbers were using a hearse
for their get-a-way car, they went around a corner and the back door
flew open and the casket slid out the back. The director yells,
"Cut! You'd better go back and rehearse that!"
_______________________________________________________________________________
(From "News of the Weird", in the 21 January San Jose News)
Animalens Inc. of Wellesley, Mass., markets red contact lenses for
chickens (at 20 cents a pair), pointing to medical studies showing that
chickens seeing red during the day are happier and eat less food. A
spokesman said the lenses will improve world egg-laying productivity by
$600 million a year.
_______________________________________________________________________________
DO, A LOOP <sung to the tune of Doe, a deer>
Created by Jesse Mundis 11-14-89
DO, a loop, a normal loop,
Array, a 2-D storage space,
Me, recursion, I call myself,
Bar, a variable to chase.
No, a value meaning not,
Yes, a term to follow No,
C, a lang where >> will rot,
That will bring us back to DO, Array, Me, Bar, No, Yes, C, DO, a loop, a......
_______________________________________________________________________________
A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk by carrying
his bag. On a sticker on the bag, in large letters, was the word "CAUTION."
Leaning closer, my friend read, "To make the little houses get smaller, pull
back on the stick."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present
for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside.
"Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A Cake?" Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid
dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put
the finger in her mouth, then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."
_______________________________________________________________________________
What do you call a cow that has undergone an abortion?
Decaffeinated. (decalfinated)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into a
saloon. He sidled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled back
to enjoy his refreshment. Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar, shouting,
"Run for your lives! Big Mike's comin'!
The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door. Suddenly,
the bar doors burst open. An enormous man, standing eight feet tall and
weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull. Grabbing the drifter by
the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled
in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar. The drifter stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
"Can I, ah, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
"Naw, I gotta git," the man grunted. "Big Mike's comin'."
_______________________________________________________________________________
[This is only humorous if you can visualize]
A man hits a cat on the road outside a house. He runs up to the door of the
house and knocks. When the door opens the following conversation happens:
Driver : I just hit a cat and I think it was yours.
Man at door : What did it look like
D : <puts head on the side, sticks out tongue - tries to look dead>
MaD : No, no, before you hit it
D : <Opens mouth wide, opens eyes wide, tries to look f**king surprised>
_______________________________________________________________________________
THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE
QUESTION: How many feet do mice have?
ORIGINAL REPLY: Mice have four feet.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Elaborate!
REVISION 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: No discussion of 5th appendage!
REVISION 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: What? Feet with no legs?
REVISION 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
REVISION 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly
per body.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Does not fully discuss the issue!
REVISION 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped
with a foot.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
REVISION 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg
assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as
it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
REVISION 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to
the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Kinison
On women: "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
--------
On MTV's Rock Against Drugs campaign: "Somebody must've been high when
they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock
created drugs."
------
On televangelists: "Jesus is up in heaven, thumbing through his
Bible, going, 'Where did I say build a water slide?'"
_______________________________________________________________________________
A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer
began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual
noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators
explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the
additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not
attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand."
This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were
saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a US citizen who was injured
stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the
manual specifically warned against it.
Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian
manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that
stupid.
I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label
on them stating:
WARNING: This product not intended for use by stupid people.
Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up
on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.
_______________________________________________________________________________
I was looking at the "help-wanted ads" in the Boston Glob this weekend
(strictly out of intellectual curiosity, you understand) and I saw
this ad from the MIT AI Lab, looking for somebody to hack Scheme (a
dialect of Lisp). I liked this paragraph about qualifications:
Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of UNIX, although
they should have sufficiently good programming taste to not
consider this an achievement.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Contributed by: ixn5c!ihps3!houxz!houxi!hou5d!hou5a!hou5e!jjm
A friend of mine who is a Xerox salesman was recently at a sales convention
cocktail party when he asked a new aquaintence, "Have you heard the latest
IBM-salesman joke?"
His colleague replied, "Before you say anything, I should warn you that I'm an
IBM-salesman."
The Xerox salesman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'll tell it very slowly."
_______________________________________________________________________________
[Good Weekend People...jk (For the stst minded, there are 334 of you...)]
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