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Selected UseNet jokes of the day #1
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 22-JUN-1992 17:24:36
Subj: Today's_Jokes
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
[This story was related to me by a friend, Tim Lynch, who screwed up then
telling. Enclosed is the edited version... -jk]
There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an
old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care
the old man required.
"Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day
finally came.
"Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing
for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and
give me a call."
So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the
phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible
place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!"
"Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30
minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if its
really that bad, we'll have to work something out."
So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next
morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath.
Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect,
so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs
of his life.
As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one
great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent,
and I've never been happier!"
"That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd
given it a chance."
Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room
when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old
man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.
When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and
called his child.
"Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!"
"But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now,
I've got to run over there and get you?"
"Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I
fall down two or three times a day!"
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From: jeff@perle.UUCP (Jeff Cole)
Subject: Vive le difference
As told to me by the hero of the story...
A local preacher incorporates a 5 minute childrens talk into the service
every Sunday. The subject of one recent talk was on the differences
between Christians and non-christians. He talked about how apple trees
can be recognized by the apples growing on them, orange trees can be
recognized by the oranges growing on them, zebras by their stripes, leopards
by their spots, etc. The children listened intently and quietly. He then
postulated that Christians can be recognized by their love for their
fellow man, their love for nature, etc. So far, so good the children seem
to be following along. To re-inforce the point, he led them in a verse or
two of the song " And they'll know we are Christians by our love". Great,
the kids knew the song, and sang along willingly. So then we get to the
conclusion, and drawing it all together he says "So, now you see, lemon
trees make lemon, apple trees make apples and Christians make love..."
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On a bright, warm spring day, somewhere on Vancouver Island a certain
resident of East Indian origin was shaking his rug on his front porch.
A passerby saw him, couldn't help himself and blurted,
"What is the problem? Can't get it started?"
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Q: How did Noah construct the cages he needed?
A: Ark-welding!
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A "True Item" from Dave Barry's 1989 in Review (i.e., he's not making this up!)
December 21: A grim-faced U.S. Surgeon General announces that "tofu" turns
out to be Japanese for "whale snot."
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