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A Dave Barry humorous outlook on four of the main
THE AMERICAN WAY
By Dave Barry
Pay attention, voters, because we are approaching Election Day, the
day when you, in a golrious affirmation of the democratic process, will
excercise your precious constitutional right to elect some goober to
Congress.
But before you vote, you should familiarize yourself with the issues.
This year there are four of them.
1. HEALTH CARE
This issue got started when the Clinton administration (motto:"Tomorrow
We Will Have A Different Motto") stayed up for 168 straight nights and pro-
duced a massive and extremely detailed National Health Care Plan ( your
personal vaccination records were in there). This was a very ambitious
program that would have provided large quantities of medical care to all
Americans, whether they wanted it or not. Federal Health Police would have
roamed the streets, apprehending unhealthy-looking Americans and,if
necessary, removing their gall bladders by force.
This plan did fine until people actually read it, at which point it
ran into big trouble, especially with the Republicans, who strongly oppose
government intrusion into private citizens' lives unless they thought of it
first. So after many months of debate and modivication, Congress has
whittled the National Health Care Plan down to a one-paragraph nonbinding
resolution urging everybody to floss. This resolution would not take effect
until the year 2006. Bob Dole is still against it.
2. CRIME
I am pleased to report that crime is no longer an issue. This is
because Congress, after much huffing, finally passed a Crime Bill, which
goes directly to the root cause of the crime problem, which turns out to be
the same as the root cause of every other problem that the federal govern-
ment decides to tackle, namely: The federal government was not spending
enough money on it.
The Crime Bill will rectify this problem by requiring the government
to spend $30 billion, to be supplied by concerned law-abiding taxpayers
such as yourself. I don't know exactly how the government plans to spend
this money, but I do have a proposal. As I see it, the basic problem is that
violent criminals are running around whacking us innocent people over the
head. Why are they doing this? BECAUSE THEY WANT OUR MONEY.
So let's say there are three million violent criminals running loose.
Thanks to the Crime Bill, the federal government is now in a position to
give every one of them $10,000 of our money, thereby elimating the need for
them to whack our heads. It would be similar to those agricultural programs
wherein the government gives our money to farmers as an incentive to not
grow alfalfa. These programs are highly effective, which is why you have
never had your head whacked by an alfalfa farmer.
The problem with my idea, of course, is that people who were NOT
violent criminals would start claiming they were, to qualify for federal
benefits. But we could solve that via an aptitude test wherein applicants
would have to demonstrate their criminality by whacking the heads of
crash-test dummies or volunteer scientists from the Tobacco Institute. This
may seem like a cumbersome program, but it would definitely work better than
whatever Congress comes up with.
3. Foreign Policy
For a description of our foreign policy for today, please call
1-800-WAVER.
4. The Baseball Strike
As you surely know, the baseball season was canceled, a development
that, to judge from the many anguished newspaper columns written about it,
was the worst tragedy to occur in this naton since the Civil War -- worse,
in fact, because nobody involved in the Civil War was threatening Roger
Maris' home-run record. This has been a bitter October, with no World
Series Fall Classic to keep the entire nation inthralled until midway
through the fourth inning, which is when the Fall Classic audience generally
falls asleep.
I say it's time for the federal government to step in and resolve
this thing. Here's the situation: There are 700 players and 28 owners, and
they are all, at heart, deeply concerned about the future of the national
pastime, by which I mean money. So all Congress has to do is -- PASS ANOTHER
CRIME BILL. This would provide another $30 billion, which would be enough
to give every simgle player and owner approximately $41 million, plus of
course the $10,000 bonus for those players or owners who are also violent
criminals.
I know what you're thinking: Tor're thinking, "But Dave, these are
just grown men playing a kids' game! $41 million per person might not be
enough!" Of course not. That would just be our opening offer. Ultimately
we also might have to give everybody involved a national park. The important
thing is to do SOMETHING, because that's why we have a government, and
that's why you, the voter, must exercise your semiprecious right, this
Election Day, to cast a ballot.
And while you're at it, cast one for me.
--- Dave Barry is a humor
columnist for the Miami
Herald.
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