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Tom Swifties (punny comments)

From: [email protected] (Mark Israel)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Tom Swifties
Organization: U. of Alberta, Edmonton, AB
Date: 18 Aug 86 23:04:07 GMT

The following is an item from MTS forum at the University of Alberta:

480. Tom Swifties
Layne Marshal 09:16 Wed Jan 30/85 1 line

"Place all your Tom Swifies here," Tom said stoically.

480/1. Allen Supynuk 08:53 Thu Jan 31/85 12 lines

"I would like to hit Prince Charles' successor", Tom said strikingly.

"What's the score in the Stevie Wonder - Ray Charles tennis game?", Tom
asked lovingly.

"I like writing artificially intelligent programs", Tom lisped.

"I gave my share to charity", Tom said carefully.

480/3. Mark Israel 14:50 Thu Jan 31/85 1 line

"Choir up!", commanded the church conductor, loftily.

480/4. Allen Supynuk 08:26 Fri Feb 1/85 1 line

"Peter, Peter, er, something eater", said Mother Goose repeatedly.

480/5. Walter Aiello 08:50 Fri Feb 1/85 4 lines

"Give me a cracker," Tom said crisply.
"Light the fire," Tom said heatedly.
"Have more champagne," Tom said lightly.
***PTHHHHHHHHH***!! -- A Bronx cheer for the whole lot.

480/6. Cliff Morgan 09:00 Fri Feb 1/85 10 lines

"Is that the Venus de Milo?", asked Tom disarmingly.

"Where's the cheese", asked Tom craftily.

"I ain't afraid of those white men", said Cochise bravely.

480/7. Christopher Dutchyn 17:18 Fri Feb 1/85 2 lines

"So that is your new computer", Tom said calculatingly.

480/8. Dan Wilson 14:35 Sun Feb 3/85 1 line

"Argh, I've just been stabbed" Tom said half-heartedly.

480/9. Layne Marshal 16:04 Sun Feb 3/85 2 lines

"Argh, I've just been stabbed with an ice pick,"
Tom said pointedly.

480/10. Cliff Morgan 08:26 Mon Feb 4/85 12 lines

"These Paris streets sure have funny names," said Tom ruefully.

"I really like camping in the woods," said Tom intensely.

"Must I show again why this theorem is true?" asked Tom reprovingly.

"Please don't sneeze with your mouth full," said the
carpenter's assistant tactfully.

"This chicken has no beak," said Tom impeccably.

"Nevermore will I read 'The Raven'," said Tom poetically.

480/11. Mark Israel 10:10 Thu Feb 14/85 14 lines

"We have those items on order from abroad", Tom
announced importantly.

"Oh, this house tastes good!", said Hansel and Gretel,
gingerly.

"Gentlemen: Please send me your catalogue", wrote Tom,
listlessly.

"Hey, what's it worth if I can help you to escape from
prison?", asked Tom contemptuously.

"I think all those feminists should be forced to work
as housewives", said Tom deliberately.

480/12. Cliff Morgan 10:16 Thu Feb 14/85 2 lines

"Troops, it looks as though there will be no Christmas
show this year," said Tom hopelessly.

480/13. Allen Supynuk 09:31 Fri Feb 15/85 9 lines

"I love trying to make insects fly", Tom said flipantly.

"Nice mirror", Tom said reflectively.

"This is the most common language used on micros", Tom
said basically.

"Algol standards aren't the same without Niklaus on the
commitee", Tom said wirthlessly.

480/14. Mark Israel 09:40 Fri Feb 15/85 15 lines

"I brush my teeth every five minutes", said Tom implacably.

"This dugout is infested," said Tom trenchantly.

"I've forgotten that song Dr. Chandra taught me", said HAL
lackadaisically.

"I've run out of wool", said Tom, knitting his brow.

"I never go into saloons", said Tom drily. "I've seen too
many of my friends enter them optimistically and leave them
mistyoptically."

480/15. Allen Supynuk 09:03 Mon Feb 18/85 18 lines

"I love percussion instruments", said Tom symbolically.

"I'm not sure how I feel about this particular matrix operation",
Tom said indeterminately.

"That painting sure tasted good", said the goat artfully.

"Get Smokie out of here", said the warden unbearably. (Or
is it "They'll be no strippers in my town", said the sheriff
unbareably?)

"How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?", Tom asked
crankily.

"Theodore, you will soon be promoted from editor to editor-in-cheif"
said the cannibal heatTedly.

"The doctors had to remove a bone from my arm", Tom said humourlessly.

480/16. Layne Marshal 11:59 Wed Feb 20/85 2 lines

"Your work is so bad that I'm going to have to remove you
from office," Tom said disappointedly.

480/17. Layne Marshal 17:25 Wed Feb 20/85 8 lines

"Boy, that took the wind out of my sails," said
Tom disgustedly.

"The prisoner excaped by climbing down a rope,"
Tom said condescendingly.

"I'll not have you punk rockers making music in MY
auditorium," Tom said disconcertingly.

480/18. Layne Marshal 08:06 Thu Feb 21/85 (revised) 14 lines

"I wouldn't marry you even if you were the only woman on earth!"
Tom said evenly.

"I'm gonna go live in the Canadian arctic," Tom said resolutely.

"I'm taking this ship back in to the dock," Tom reported.

"We're all out of Amantillado," Tom reported.

"I think I'll stand on the left side of the ship," Tom reported.

"Now we'll have to replace all the ship's windows," Tom reported.

"Close the hatch! We're being invaded by bugs!" Tom said importantly.

480/19. Jon Sell@UM 08:39 Fri Mar 8/85 2 lines

"As soon as the rain stops, we'll break camp", Tom said
intently.

480/20. Walter Aiello 14:19 Mon Mar 11/85 2 lines

"I see your $5 and raise you $10," Tom said morbidly.

480/21. Walter Aiello 09:28 Tue Mar 12/85 2 lines

I can't believe I am doing this ...
"This salad dressing has too much vinegar," Tom said acidly.

480/22. Tom Hall 13:35 Tue Mar 12/85 3 lines

(might as well)....

"I think it's time I had a perm," said Tom liltingly.

480/23. Walter Aiello 08:33 Wed Mar 13/85 1 line

"File a little more off that corner," Tom said raspingly.

480/24. Walter Aiello 18:54 Wed Mar 13/85 1 line

"Call off your dog," Tom yelped bitingly.

480/25. Allen Supynuk 15:39 Thu Mar 14/85 9 lines

"Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I think I'm a wigwam,
Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends I think I'm a teepee",
Tom said too tensely.

"Colds can kill", Tom said fluently.

"Eating Uranium can cause atomic ache", Tom said with
a high pitched voice. (Uranium is found in pitch-blende,
for those of you who find the antecedent a little obscure.)

480/26. Walter Aiello 13:43 Fri Mar 15/85 (revised) 6 lines

"Eating uranium can cause strange effects," Tom
said brightly.

"I just changed the bulb," Tom said brightly.

Very illuminating, eh?

480/27. Walter Aiello 16:02 Mon Mar 25/85 3 lines

"Eating uranium makes me feel funny," Tom said glowingly.

Have you Tom Swifties fans had enough?

480/28. Layne Marshal 19:14 Mon Mar 25/85 4 lines

"Eating uranium makes me feel funny," Tom said radiantly.

No, I have absolutely, positively NOT had enough!
Tom said solicitously.

480/29. Mark Israel 12:54 Tue Mar 26/85 (revised) 10 lines

"No, I don't work here on a regular basis", said Tom casually.

"Yes, we had trouble with the propulsion systems for those
moon flights", said the NASA engineer apologetically.

"Fee, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman!" said the
giant defiantly.

"Fellow citizens, we cannot rely on the official army to protect
us. We must organize and arm ourselves", said Tom maliciously.

480/30. Walter Aiello 17:02 Tue Mar 26/85 1 line

"I like modern painting," Tom said abstractly.

480/31. Walter Aiello 08:35 Wed Mar 27/85 1 line

"Heads you win, tails you lose," Tom said flippantly.

480/32. Walter Aiello 08:45 Wed Mar 27/85 5 lines

"Send me more of those insects," Tom said importantly.

Scene in the Student's Union Building (SUB) Cafeteria:
"Have some more of those chocolate-covered insects," Tom
said subserviently.

480/33. Mark Israel 13:47 Fri Mar 29/85 11 lines

"Because of the dangers of nuclear proliferation, the Candu
reactor must become a thing of the past", said Tom candidly.

"But all I want is 20,000 machine guns", said the dictator
disarmingly.

"Forward march! Eins, zwei, drei, funf, eins, zwei, drei,
funf!", said the German commander fearlessly.

"My fellow Americans," boomed Ronald Reagan, "I have just
signed legislation to outlaw the state of Russia for ever..."

480/34. Mark Israel 21:29 Mon Apr 1/85 14 lines

Since Easter is coming up I just thought I would dash off
a few Tom Swifties on the Easter theme:

"Destroy this Temple and within three days I will raise
it up", said Jesus cryptically.

"I wish you wouldn't crucify him, but I'm washing my hands
of the matter", said Pontius Pilate wishy-washily.

"Argh! Father, forgive them, for they know not what they
do!", said Jesus crossly.

"I won't believe that you're the resurrected Jesus until
I've felt the nail-holes in your wrists", said Tom doubtingly.

480/35. Layne Marshal 08:44 Fri Apr 12/85 9 lines

"This computer display is shocking", said Tom electrically.

"I keep picking up radio signals from outer space," Tom said
impulsively.

"The gate is NOT what I said to rip out," Tom said defensivley.

"Can I join your group and sing, too?", Tom inquired.

480/36. Allen Supynuk 09:04 Fri Apr 12/85 3 lines

"Ooops, I think I might have a piece of coal in my shorts", Tom
said stochastically.

480/38. Mark Israel 12:11 Mon Apr 15/85 9 lines

"Here, son, have a free balloon!" said Tom expansively.

"I need a pencil sharpener", said Tom bluntly.

"The French expression for 'There's a green worm in my
glass' is 'Il y a un ver vert dans mon verre'", said
Tom reverently.

"I find you guilty!" said the judge with conviction.

480/39. Allen Supynuk 10:34 Tue Apr 16/85 6 lines

"One of the ten finalists in the 'London derriere'
contest had to drop out", said Tom assininely.

"Let's all play an A, C#, and an E", the band cried
with one accord.

480/40. Layne Marshal 13:05 Thu Apr 18/85 1 line

"Out, damned spot," Lady Macbeth said distainfully.

480/41. Mark Israel 12:21 Fri Apr 19/85 10 lines

"I'm putting this microfiche back where it belongs",
said Tom complacently.

"I'm doing a syntactic analysis of low, long-drawn sounds
indicating discomfort", said Tom parsimoniously.

"Alouette, je te plumerai", sang Tom jauntily.

"I've declared the variable X so that its value is saved from
one procedure invocation to the next", said Tom ecstatically.

480/42. Layne Marshal 14:05 Fri Apr 19/85 2 lines

"This student appealed his grade, so I have to score his
exam again," Tom remarked.

480/43. Mark Israel 22:07 Sun Apr 21/85 20 lines

"I'm in the process of documenting my BASIC program",
Tom remarked.

"I'm investing in German currency once again", Tom remarked.

"I'm rereading the second Gospel", Tom remarked. (Or should
that be: "'I was secretly in cahoots with Brutus, but now I'm
having an affair with Antony', Cleopatra remarked"?)

"When 're-inventing the wheel', one must make sure that the
outer edge is circular", Tom rim-arc'd.

"To write the full history of St. Joan would take LOTS of paper",
Tom ream-Arc'd.

"I had a dream last night about the American Red Cross", Tom
REM-ARC'd.

"Boy, what a boring voyage. Good thing that I thought to take
some sea-worthy liquor aboard", Noah rum-Ark'd.

480/44. Christopher Morrow 14:49 Sun Apr 28/85 1 line

"That is remarkable", remarked Tom.

480/45. Mark Israel 22:23 Wed May 8/85 15 lines

"I'm writing a poem about the rebels in Nicaragua", said Tom
controversially.

"I refuse to obey that French 'No Smoking' sign", fumed Tom
defensively.

"Crosby is my favourite singer. Is he yours?", asked Tom
probingly.

"Remember that uranium that I was talking about in responses
25-28? Well, now I've got it in my bloodstream!", said Tom
vaingloriously.

"According to this chromatic stroboscope, the average frequency
of my speaking voice is 160 Hz", said Tom in measured tones.

480/48. Mark Israel 14:43 Tue Jul 16/85 2 lines

"What we need is more people like Ronald Reagan and
Ronald McDonald", said Tom moronically.

Keywords:
Tom Swiftie






 
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