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101 ways to skin a cat
Now, due to very unpopular demand, the famous, incredible, the plugged
_____
11 0000 11 I I\ /I
1 1 0 0 1 1 I I \/ I
1 00 00 1 I I I
1 0 0 1
1 0 0 1
1 0 0 1
1 00 00 1 WAYS TO SKIN A CAT
1 0 0 1
1111111 0000 1111111
And for the ASCII graphics illiterate, that's 101 (tm) ways to skin a cat
Brought to you by Metallica, © 1991 Elektra/Asylum text files in
conjuntion with Psychotic Alliance and licensed by Psychotic Lemmings.
101 is a registered trademark of MaStEr CoNtRoL, and is dedicated to the
fair treatment of lemmings everywhere, remember to have your pet sterilized.
ahem, yes, the text file.
1. Lawnmower
2. Hold it by its tail, shake vigorously
3. Give it a bath in hydrochloric acid
4. Let it play with a ball of barbed wire
5. Teach it to jump through a flaming loop, then get it drunk and have it
do it
6. Eat it, cough up a furball, then puke
7. Put it in a paper shredder, slowly (collect bits afterwars, glue and
some assembly may be required)
8. Tie tongue to one car, tail to another, and have them dive in opposite
directions
9. Flamethrower
10. Attach tail to fan, put it on high (the fan)
11. Get a pair of tweasers, pluck one hair at a time
12. Bury it, dig it up a few weeks later
13. Throw it at a fan (make sure it's on (the fan))
14. Stuff it in a mailbox with a quarterstick of dynamite
15. Throw catnip on the launching pad of the space shuttle just before
takeoff
16. Have it roll in hot tar
17. Drop it off a building onto a sharpened sewer grate
18. Toss it in Boston Harbor
19. Use a tire pump to fill it with air, pop it
20. Shave "Saddam rules" on it and throw it to a pack of Kurds
21. Volunteer it for a documentary on pirranahs
22. Cover firecrackers with catnip (light them)
23. Use it as the bat in "mailbox baseball"
24. Throw it at the windshield of someone who annoys you (or just for fun)
25. Tie (or shave) a message on it and throw it through the window of an
enemy
26. Use it as shark bait
27. Train an attack dog with it
28. Volunteer it for radiation testing
29. Volunteer it for Olympic training for the hammer throw
30. Use it as a train brake
31. Put a condom on its head and give it to a Bishop
32. Use it as printer paper
33. Use it as the "kindling" to burn down a billboard (for best results,
douse in gasoline first)
34. Rub alcohol on it and chase it over hot coals
35. Cats love chasing moving things, cut some live electrical wires and
watch them dance (bring your cat, twit)
36. Light its tail on fire and watch it chase it
37. Give the cat and some acid to Skeeve
38. Let it run The Works for a day
39. "Bowl" it over millions of shards of broken glass
40. Experiment with the explosive properties of cat hair
41. Turn on the car while the cat is getting warm in the engine
42. Check the read/write properties of cats in disk drives
43. Test out the hair club for men on it
44. Put plastic explosives in fake mice
45. Drop it off a cliff, repeat until it doesn't land on its feet
46. Feed it to a pack of raving Puce Armadillos
47. Have it figure out the previous entry
48. Wrap duct tape around it, peal off rapidly
49. Have it try to write a 101 (tm) text file
50. Feed it live grenades (and run)
51. Slide it quickly down a slide lined with brillo pads
52. Use it to smoothen the rusty parts on your car
53. Squeeze it through a pipe half its size
____________________________________________________________________
/. .\
I That's right boys and girls!! We have hit number 53!!! You all I
I know what that means!! For all of you people that live in caves, I
I this means that it's time to get a life, spare yourself, and leap I
I off the Empire State Building with an anvil tied around your I
I neck. Stop reading this thing now. Jerk, I told you to stop I
I reading. You aren't worthy, be gone! I
\____________________________________________________________________/
Some of you may have noticed the lack of "nails" in the lower left and
right hand corners of the preceding box. This is due to the shortage of
ASCII character 250 and our efforts to save the rain forests.
54. Chainsaw
55. Throw it at a velcro wall and rip it off
56. Use a cheese grater
57. Feed it cherry bombs
58. See how good it is at "eating fire"
59. Eat fire yourself, and use the cat as a target (great at parties)
60. Use sandpaper
61. Ask it the meaning of life
62. Have Skeeve explain the meaning of life to it
63. Use it in a game of "tethercat" (this entry courtosy of The Far Side
comics inc.)
64. Have it piss off (or on) Cab the Nastie
65. Try to get it inside the computer to accomplish the preceding entry
66. Use hedge clippers
67. Test how good the properties of cats are for making spam
68. Scotch (tm) tape it to the exhaust pipe of a bus
69. Use its face as a guitar pick, gradually move to other parts of its
body (Note to all you sex perverts: No, I didn't have a special
entry just for this number, nyah nyah nyah!)
70. Get a giant, economy size electric pencil sharpener and...well, you
know...um...ok...fine, so it was a bad idea
71. Use it as the lance (or shield) for a good clean game of joust
72. Test its electricity conductivity properties (in any manner you choose)
73. Put alcohol in its water bowl and release it into a mine field
74. Nail the pet door on your door closed, encourage it to run full speed
into the house
75. Introduce it to Butch the pitbull next door
76. Pull its flea collar off, going from head to tail
77. Hang some catnip from the rear bumper of your car (near the tire) and
have the cat chase it, then slam it (the car) into reverse (this can
also be found in the soon to be released "101 (tm) ways to ruin your
transmission")
78. Have it attempt to figure out "f00g and the art of Zen"
79. Severely hinder the existence of one of America's greatest evils, the
trailer park (of course) by using the cat to link two of the park's
power lines, thus shorting out the whole place
80. Use it as a place to stick Post-it (tm) notes
81. Put it on ther head of Raytheon's famous Patriot Missle
82. Put it 5 miles from the intended target of a Scud
83. Shave the American flag on it and sell it to a drunken football fan as
a patriotic souvenir (ok, enough with the belated-gulf-war-patriotic-
stereotypes)
84. Paint it white and bring it to a sheep shearing contest
85. Toss it into the street after it (the street) has been newly tarred, get
some popcorn and wait for the steam roller
86. Treat it like you would a balloon animal
87. Shave signs of the devil on it and give it to Mother Theresa as a gift
88. Teach it to surf
89. Have it fight a big armadillo
90. Ask it why armadillos are such a favorite topic of mine (cats HATE even
the mention of the word)
91. Let it play with your favorite samarai sword (did I spell it right?)
92. Have it use a razor sharp spork (they're so common...) to eat from its
food bowl
93. Stuff its nose and mouth full of sawdust and watch it flip out (place
any desirable sharp objects near it)
94. Feed it green eggs and spam
95. Introduce it to the wonderful world of narcotics (Note: This was put
here in a mood of jest and merriment only, Psychotic Alliance would like
to stress that drugs are of no use, except when writing text files)
96. Use a utility knife (anyone who accomplishes this, please contact me)
97. Poke it with a pen all over its body, let the scabs heal and then pick
all of them off
98. Put it in a time capsule
99. Push it through a screen
100. Just use a razor blade...
101. Give it some swiss cheese (YOU figure it out, hehehe)
"101 (tm) ways to ruin your transmission" was just a joke, do not expect to
see it, unless I get REALLY bored.
Be on the lookout for "101 (tm) uses for a skinned cat" sometime in the not
so near future, it will be out when I can justify writing text files at all.
============================================================================
Call The Works BBS: (617) 861-8976, 4100+ text files. It (usually) won't
call you. "The only board run by a bagel"
============================================================================
Skeeve appears curtousy of "Guh" enterprises, inc.
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