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The Safest Sex
ART HOPPE
The Safest Sex
Another postcard has come flooding in complaining that all the
attention paid in this space to the male sexual organ violates
contemporary community standards. Ok, no more of that. Instead,
let's discuss Ann Landers' column on masturbation.
Ms. Landers says she had been deluged with mail praising her for
extolling onanism as a "cheap, easy, safe way to do it." And that's
certainly true. My friend Professor Delgado, however, worries that
Ms. Landers hasn't considered the advice she will be adked for when
this new lifestyle catches on. To wit:
"Dear Ms. Landers: I haven't made love to myself for two weeks.
Do you think the magic has gone out of our relationship?"
Or: "Dear Ann Landers: I recently asked myself if I shouldn't be
seeing other people. Am I perhaps trying to tell myself something?"
Or: "Dear Ann: This is too horrible to tell my friends, but I
caught myself in a motel room with a member of the opposite sex! Oh,
I've told myself it was just a one-night stand, and I'm the only one
who means anything to me. But how can I bring myself to ever trust me
again?"
Or: "Dear Ms. Landers: I'm a 15-year-old boy, and I've just
discovered myself. But I don't feel like settling down. Do you think
I'm too young for a permanent commitment?"
Or, lastly: "Ann: I'm a hunk and I'm really in love with myself.
But I'm worried. How do I know it's not just for my body?"
* * *
Frankly, though, I can't drum up much sympathy for Ms. Landers.
How come she gets all the credit for her amazing discovery when I've
been preaching the joys of solosexualism for more than 15 years? It
has hetero-, homo-, bi- and assorted sexualism beat all
hollow-particularly in these perilous times.
How secure "soles," as we call them, are, dining on sole food
(whatever they like), wearing sole fashions (ditto) and listening to
sole music (anything that turns them on).
Best of all is the level playing field that solosexualism offers
in that viciously competitive sexual marketplace out there. Old or
young, fat or thin, ugly or beautiful-no sole needs ever fear the
painful stigma of rejection.
If a gentleman sole asks himself out, he accepts with alacrity.
He spends a pleasant evening in a place he wants to go. Perhaps he
makes eye contact with himself in the mirror or even holds his hand
under the table. When it grows late, he might whisper, "My place or
mine?" and he takes himself home without coy refusals.
At the door, should he hear that dread, "Not tonight, I have a
headache," he simply takes two aspirin and calls himself in the
morning.
* * *
Not only is solosexualism a boon to man and womankind
individually, but its meritorious affects on all of society go far
beyond anything Ms. Landers has envisioned.
Take birth control. If more effectively employed, birth control
will solve SOME of the problems of the human race, like crowded buses,
long lines for the women's room at the Opera House and a critical
shortage of _Big_Game_tickets._ But only solosexualism will solve ALL
of the problems of the human race-and in a single generation, too.
So think of generations unborn and let's keep them that way. It
is up to each of us who cares about this planet we live on to gird our
loins, take matters in hand and determinedly practice solosexualism.
Indeed, I'm sure Ms. Landers will join me in offering you three words
of advice to make this place a better world: Practice, practice,
practice.
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