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Rodney Dangerfield jokes
**************************************
*PRESENTED TO YOU BY DANIAL MONAGHAN.*
**************************************
* Good crowd..good crowd. I'm telling
you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok
now but last week I was in rough
shape.. you know.
* Why? I looked up my family tree and
found out I was the sap.
* I come from a stupid family. During
the civil war my great uncle fought
for the west!
* My father was stupid. He worked in a
bank and they caught him stealing
pens.
* When I was born..the doctor came out
to the waiting room and said to my
father.. "I'm very sorry. We did
everything we could..but he pulled
through."
* My mother had morning sickness after
I was born.
* My mother never breast fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
* My father carries around the picture
of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I played in the sandbox the cat
kept covering me up.
* I could tell that my parents hated
me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.
* Some dog I got too. We call him
Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in
every room.
* What a dog I got. His favorite bone
is in my arm!
* I worked in pet store and people
kept asking how big I'd get.
* One year they wanted to make me
poster boy.. for birth control.
* I remember the time I was kidnapped
and they sent back a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he
wanted more proof!
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me
sitting on his lap. He was in the
electric chair.
* I went to a phreak show and they let
me in for nothing.
* I stuck my head out the window and
got arrested for mooning!
* Once when I was lost.. I saw a
policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him.."Do
you think we'll ever find them." He
said.."I don't know kid.. there are
so many places they can hide."
* I remember I was so depressed I was
going to jump out a window on the
tenth floor.. so they sent a priest
up to talk to me. He said.."On your
mark..."
* On Halloween..the parents send their
kids out looking like me.
* Last year.. one kid tried to rip my
face off!
* Now it's different.. when I answer
the door the kids hand me candy.
* When my old man wanted sex.. my
mother would show him a picture of
me.
* I had a lot of pimples too. One day
I fell asleep in a library. I woke
up and a blind man was reading my
face.
* My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next tuesday.
* One time I went to a hotel. I asked
the bellhop to handle my bag. He
felt up my wife!
* It's tough to stay married. My wife
kisses the dog on the lips..yet she
won't drink from my glass!
* Last week my tie caught on fire.
Some guy tried to put it out with an
axe!
* For two hours..some guy followed me
around with a pooper scooper.
* I met the surgeon general. He
offered me a cigarette!
* This morning when I put on my under
wear I could hear the Fruit of the
Loom guys laughing at me.
* A travel agent offered me a 21 day
special. He told me I would fly
from New York to London. Then from
Tokyo back to New York.I asked him..
"How am I supposed to get from
London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That
is why we give you 21 days."
* Another travel agent told me I could
spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days..
just nights.
* My problem is that I appeal to
everyone that can do me absolutly no
good.
* They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy
self." What am I supposed to do?
Jerk him off too?
* At christmas time I sat on santa's
lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a
present he gave me!
* My sex life is terrible. My wife put
a mirror over the dogs bed.
* Actually she did put the mirror over
our bed. She says she likes to watch
herself laugh.
* I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a
peeping tom booing me.
* My wife only has sex with me for a
purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.
* I asked my wife if she would put out
the garbage. She said.."Why should
I.. you never put out for me."
* I asked her if she enjoys a
cigarette after sex.She said.."No..
one drag is enough."
* I got myself good this morning too.
I did my push ups in the nude..but I
didn't see the mouse trap.
* A girl phoned me and said.."Come on
over there's nobody home." I went
over. Nobody was home!
* A hooker once told me she had a
headache.
* I went to message parlor. It was
self service.
* My only thrill is self inflicted
hickies.
* If it weren't for pick-pocketers i'd
have no sex life at all.
* I was making love to this girl and
she started crying. I said.."Are you
going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate
myself now."
* She was no bargain either. She
showed up with pigtails under her
arms.
* She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
that...
- She got on the scale and a card
came out saying.. "One at a time."
- Her bath tub has stretch marks.
- Her belly button makes an echo.
- She has her own postal code.
- She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS"
bra.
- She has a dress with a sign on
the back saying.. "Caution wide
load."
- Her clothes are made by Omar the
tent maker.
- When guys have sex with her they
ask for directions.
- One day I ran into her with my
car. She asked me why I didn't
ride around her. I told her that
I didn't think I had enough gas.
- Her bikini is made out of two bed
sheets.
- When guys eat her out they ask for
provisions for the trip.
- Her mother ripped when she had
her.
- She uses a septic tank for a
toilet.
* She was so ugly that...
- She was known as a two bagger.
That's when a girl is so ugly that
you put a bag over your head in
case the bag over her head breaks.
- I bent down to pet her cat only
to find that it was the hair on
her legs.
- I took her to a dog show and she
won first prize.
- They use her in prisons to cure
sex offenders.
- I took her to the top of the
Empire State building and planes
started to attack her.
- She looks like she came second in
a hatchet fight!
- The last time I saw a mouth like
hers it had a hook on the end of
it.
- She has a face like a saint. A
saint bernard!
* I was tired one night and I went to
the bar to have a few drinks. The
bartender asked me.. "What'll you
have?" I said.."surprise me." He
showed me a naked picture of my
wife.
* During sex my wife always wants to
talk to me. Just the other night she
called me from a hotel.
* My marriage is on the rocks again.
Yeah..my wife just broke up with her
boyfriend.
* One day..as I came home early from
work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are
you doing that for?" He said..
"Because you came home early."
* I went to look for a used car. I
found my wife's dress in the back
seat!
* Once in a restuarant I made a toast
to her.."The best woman a man ever
had." The waiter joined me.
* Its been a rough day. I got up this
morning..put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase
and the handle came off. I'm afraid
to go to the bathroom!
* I had a problem. I tried group sex.
Now I have a new problem...I don't
know who to thank!
* My friends and I played a new
version of Russian roulette. We
passed around six girls and one of
them had VD.
* I went to see my doctor.. you know
him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I
told him once.. "Doctor.. every
morning when I get up and look in
the mirror..I feel like throwing up;
what's wrong with me?" He said.."I
don't know but your eyesight is
perfect."
* I remember when I swallowed a bottle
of sleeping pills. He told me to
have a few drinks and get some rest.
* I told him I think my wife has VD.
He gave himself a shot of
penicillin.
* I told my dentist my teeth are going
yellow. He told me to wear a brown
necktie.
* He found a new way to cover up his
bad breath...he holds up his arms.
* Why every time he smokes..he blows
onion rings.
* My physchiatrist told me I'm going
crazy. I told him.. "If you don't
mind I'd like a second opion. "He
said.."Alright..you're ugly too."
* I was so ugly..my mother used to
feed me with a sling shot!
* When I was born the doctor took one
look at my face...turned me over and
said.. "Look...twins!"
* And we were poor too. Why if I
wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing
to play with!
-end-
needless to say, this is Rodney Dangerfield..
ould put out
the garbag
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