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Assorted religious humour

X-NEWS: camins rec.humor: 1896
Path: spang.Camosun.BC.CA!news.UVic.CA!ubc-cs!uw-beaver!zephyr.ens.tek.com!uunet!sybus.sybus.com!myrn!tscs!tbag!rmoore
From: [email protected] (Robert Moore)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Religious Humor
Message-ID: <rmoore.[email protected]>
Date: 29 Apr 92 06:08:37 GMT
Organization: Tampa Bay Amiga Group
Lines: 247

CATHOLIC CORNER: QUESTIONS FOR QUIET TIME

Is it a sin to......

1. Play hide and seek in church?

2. Pretend your luminescent cross is an airplane while waiting in the
confessional? Is it a worse sin if you pretend it's a MiG?

3. Pretend the confessional is a phone booth linked to heaven?

4. Wonder how saints can walk with magnetic dashboard pedestals on their
feet?

5. Feed the saint's bone chip in your scapular to a starving dog?

6. Wonder whether Mother Superiors give birth to nuns?

7. Spread palm fronds on the gym floor before a CYO donkey basketball game?

8. Consider Purgatory a microwave hell?

9. Go up to an usher at Mass and say, "Table for two, please?

10. Pretend the cross is a crossbow with Christ as the arrow in a backyard
game of Robin Hood and His Merry Men?

11. Light votive candles in such a way that they spell out the name of your
pet dog?

12. Launch the pope into space without first launching a few test cardinals?

13. Go around with a joke-shop "third eye" stuck to your head on Ash
Wednesday?

14. Tell your younger sister that the priest will put a stick of onion gum in
her mouth on First Holy Communion Day, that the cardinal will hit her in the
face with a pie on Confirmation Day, and that she was baptized with seltzer
water because the priest thought she was a joke?

15. Think that Triscuits are the embodiment of the Holy Trinity?

16. Have a joy buzzer in your hand when the priest asks everyone to join hands
at a folk mass?

17. Wonder if Siamese twins have Siamese souls?

18. Wonder if the road to heaven is paved with BAD intentions?

19. Make a joke about converted rice being picked by Oriental Catholics?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

HOW NAKED ARE GIRLS ALLOWED TO GET?

According to what Religion their Parents are

TRAILER-CAMP PROTESTANT: A nice girl is never completely naked except in the
bathtub, and even then she should wear a shower cap.

PICKET-FENCE PROTESTANT: Naked? Why would anyone be naked? Doesn't she have
clothes? Aren't there charities for this sort of thing?

CATHOLIC: She can get as naked as she wants, especially on a French beach, but
she's not allowed to do anything about it or think anything about it, and
neither is anyone else.

ORTHODOX JEWISH: She can get naked too, but nobody wants to see her naked, so
she keeps her clothes on.

REFORM JEWISH: She can get as naked as her cellulite allows.

HINDU: She can get naked in paintings or with her husband but not in front of
a cow. Also, she's not allowed to wash her caste mark off and redo it with
Cover Girl "Really Red" or "Sun-ripe Peach".

MOSLEM: There are no Moslem girls. Just men who dress up and wear veils.

RUSSIAN ORTHODOX: Who cares?

BUDDHIST: A good Buddhist will tell you that all girls are naked under their
clothes.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THE SIN AND ITS CONSEQUENCES

in the major Western Faiths

THE SIN: Interfaith Marriage

CONSEQUENCES:

JEWISH: Mother screams, father moans, relatives sit Shiva in the dining room

EPISCOPALIAN: Fine as long as she can play tennis and doesn't mind staying
home during the annual Hunt Club ball.

BAPTIST: Hell. Stuck there with all the Jews and Catholics forever, without
any pickup trucks to help get you out.

CATHOLIC: Impossible. There is no other faith

==============================================================================

THE SIN: Masturbation

CONSEQUENCES:

JEWISH: Obsessive search for warts. Nervous breakdown. Death if done while
reading Philip Roth.

EPISCOPALIAN: Sex with the only social equal in town.

BAPTIST: Turns you idiot-minded if you fool with it a lot.

CATHOLIC: A mortal sin. An unacceptable form of birth control. Ten "Hail
Mary''s, two "Our Father''s, and acne.

==============================================================================

THE SIN: Bestiality

CONSEQUENCES:

JEWISH: "There aren't enough Negroes in town? You have to find a chicken?"

EPISCOPALIAN: Worse than asking for catsup at La Cote Basque; a mortal sin. Go
to hell. I mean, really. So untidy.

BAPTIST: Boys will be boys. Not half so bad as pantsing the minister's son,
tying him to a fence post, and turning a suckling calf loose on him.

CATHOLIC: Acceptable if animal is Catholic and issue of such union is raised a
Catholic.

==============================================================================

THE SIN: Premarital Sex

CONSEQUENCES:

JEWISH: Death if performed with a Jewish girl, unless you marry her right
away. Giggle and smirk if girl is Catholic.

EPISCOPALIAN: No sin. The sanest and most rational way for Kip and Melissa to
get to know one another. One should always consult one's investment bankers
before rushing into things.

BAPTIST: If you're going to fuck her, you can't marry her. If you're going to
marry her, you can't fuck her. Plain and simple.

CATHOLIC: Eternal damnation if you even THINK about it. Worse if you do it.
Even worse if you do it with another person.

==============================================================================

THE SIN: Drunkenness

CONSEQUENCES:

JEWISH: Jews do not get drunk. It interferes with suffering.

EPISCOPALIAN: Distasteful but necessary in a high-powered world such as ours.
Dewar's on the rocks is most acceptable.

BAPTIST: Get you into hell quicker than card playing or mixed dancing. The
next worse thing to being sober.

CATHOLIC: No sin. Compulsory in Ireland. Optional in civilized world.

==============================================================================

THE SIN: Homosexuality

CONSEQUENCES:

JEWISH: Death while listening to Bette Midler.

EPISCOPALIAN: A viable alternative and truly understood by parents who wish to
know more about life-style. Mother then accidentally suffers a Valium
overdose.

BAPTIST: Bad even if he's white. Death behind the Tastee-Freeze.

CATHOLIC: Eternal damnation and/or entrance into Jesuit order.

==============================================================================

THE SIN: Interracial Marriage

CONSEQUENCES:

JEWISH: Better to fuck a chicken; at least it won't tell the neighbors. Death,
death, death, then more death.

EPISCOPALIAN: You can marry into money, but you can't marry out of it.

BAPTIST: The sin of sins. Tied to the back of a Chevy and dragged through
town.

CATHOLIC: Size and color of lips is unimportant, as long as they can move in
order to say, "Hail, Mary".

==============================================================================

THE SIN: Disobeying Parents

CONSEQUENCES:

JEWISH: Leukemia, maybe tuberculosis, for defying the people who struggled to
make you what you are today. Unhappiness forever.

EPISCOPALIAN: A healthy and good thing to do, unless they control the trust
fund.

BAPTIST: Belt buckle implanted in cheek, nose, ears, and mouth. Make you think
twice next time, Bo.

CATHOLIC: You get spanked by the Mother of God and sent to bed without a Last
Supper.

==============================================================================

THE SIN: Divorce

CONSEQUENCES:

JEWISH: Good thing if the girl is Christian and/or a slob. Welcome back.

EPISCOPALIAN: No sin. Healthy growth experience. Good thing to write a book
about.

BAPTIST: Not a real sin if she's the cheating kind. Good topic for a
country-western song.

CATHOLIC: Barred from heaven. Eternal purgatory because she burned the toast.

==============================================================================

Thank you. And by the way, remember our root-word definition:

FUNDAMENTALIST: FUND = Send money + AMENTALIST = Don't think.

[email protected]

 
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