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The Secret Real Estate Code


secret Real Estate Code
-----------------------

Sophisticated city living: Next to a noisy bar.

Country feel in the city: Previous owner kept a cow in the basement.

Traditional
with contemporary flair: Collapsing Victorian with 3 picture windows.

Newer roof: Original thatch has been patched
with spray-on tar.

Old World charm: Has some woodwork. Needs cleaning.

Contemporary feel: Has no woodwork. Needs cleaning.

Close to lake: Impossible to park on the street
from April to October.

Picturesque setting: Abandoned cars and/or waist-high weeds
on neighboring lots.

Wide-open floor plan: Previous owner removed supporting walls.

Updated bath: Tub no longer overflows.

Updated kitchen: Sink no longer overflows.

Country kitchen: You'll have to eat at franchise restaurants.

Eat-in kitchen: Previous owner sealed the door
from the kitchen to the dining room.

Move right in: Has been unoccupied for five years,
except for vagrants, vandals
and a herd of goats.

Motivated seller: Has been on market 14 years; owner has died.

Security system: Neighbor has loud dog.

Updated security system: Neighbor has loud dog and open window.

Not a drive-by: Exterior is falling off.

Drive-by: Interior is falling off.

Needs TLC: Major structural damage.

Handyman special: Earth-moving equipment is required
to get to front door.

Opportunity: Quick, before it falls down.

Fixer-upper: Quick, before it falls down again.

Convenient: Located on freeway entrance ramp.

Completely renovated: All cats have been found and removed;
kitchen fan has been left on.

Neutral decor: No murals of nudes or Elvis.

Move in easy: Front door missing.

Walkout: Back door missing.

Tudor: Has backdoor and frontdoor.

Euro kitchen: Smells of garlic.

Secluded back yard: Auto salvage business next door has high fence.

Cozy: No room larger than 9 by 6.

Demand area: Traffic slows down about 3 a.m.,
picks up by 5:30.

Walk to lake: No bus service.

Cross-country ski
from front door: The road does not get snow-plowed.

Outstanding: Sticks out like a sore thumb.

Lower-level family room: Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

Starter home: Automobile parts have been stored in bedroom.

Grandma's home: No electrical improvements since 1926.

Original owner: Several rooms are packed floor-to-ceiling
with canceled checks and grocery receipts.

Really plush: Five rooms of orange shag carpeting.

Bachelor pad: Red velvet walls; smells bad.

Curb appeal: Only the front of the house is painted.

150-amp service: Previous owner had an arc welder
in the living room.

Lots of built-ins: Previous owner nailed furniture to the walls.

Tenant wants to stay: Evicting tenant is your problem.

No-maintenance exterior: Chicken wire over tar paper.

Newer windows: Old windows were smashed in a police raid.

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