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Random Access Humor Mar/94
______ __ __ __ ______
/ __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \
/ /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
/ _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
/ / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
/_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____|
--------------------------------------------------
The Electronic Humor Magazine
--------------------------------------------------
Version 1 Release 2 March 1994
Editor: Dave Bealer
Member of the Digital Publishing Association
Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
Printed on 100% recycled electrons
Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - Potholes on the Information Highway....................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
Welcome to the FidoNet Winter Olympics.............................05
Quick & Very Dirty Install.........................................06
Grammar in the Machine.............................................08
Digital Addiction..................................................09
You Only Live A Bunch Of Times: The Return of Goldfinger...........11
The Great Mall.....................................................12
The Dynamically Translated Address.................................13
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey.............................14
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers..........................17
Announcements......................................................17
Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............18
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3
Random Access Humor Page 1 March 1994
About Vaporware Communications
VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:
Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - Potholes on the Information Highway
by Dave Bealer
The Clinton regime has offered the so-called Information Super-
highway as the solution to all of mankind's problems. They may not
say it in so many words, but that's the implication. "The
information superhighway will allow everyone to enjoy totally equal
social and economic success through technology. No one will ever be
poor, hungry, or sick again." Right.
The Pollyannas neglect the fact that real life always finds a way to
intrude into cyberspace. Telephone and electric lines are downed by
storms and accidents; people still get hungry, tired, and are subject
to all the usual human needs and urges; routers are damaged by earth-
quakes.
That's right, the Northridge, CA. earthquake caused an Internet
router to go offline for nearly a month. This proves that more than
physical freeway overpasses can be collapsed by natural disasters.
While Los Angelenos searched for alternate routes around the wrecked
highways, commercial Internet customers in the U.S., including the
RAH support site, were unable to send Internet e-mail to certain
addresses in Europe. Because of this outage, some of RAH's Internet
subscribers didn't receive the February issue until the middle of the
month.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to equate the magnitude of these
incidents. Several people died in the freeway collapses. Hundreds
of thousands more are facing a year or more of torturous detours and
nightmarish traffic jams while the roads are rebuilt. OTOH, a few
humor magazines didn't get delivered on time because some router was
down. Big deal, right?
Random Access Humor Page 2 March 1994
Late delivery of RAH is not that big a deal (except, possibly, to the
subscribers involved), but that router carries much more that a few
humor files. We're talking *commercial* Internet customers here.
The RAH support site counts as one because we get our UUCP feed from
a commercial Internet host system. It's unlikely that any ClarkNet
subscriber was seriously affected by this outage. But what about the
companies that depend on Internet e-mail to conduct their business?
As mentioned last month, the commercialization of the Internet is a
touchy subject for many people. The truth is that the Internet has
been, is, and will be commercialized. It's inevitable. What's not
inevitable is the level of commercialization that will take place.
It would be nice to think that we won't see advertising on every
World Wide Web screen one day like they have on Prodigy.
Conversely, the use of e-mail and online news/information delivery to
make firms more efficient and competitive is a *good* thing. The
Internet gives scientists and technicians from around the world the
opportunity to work together to solve tough problems, such as curing
diseases and finding alternate energy sources (like the much-maligned
cold fusion). Not all these people work for universities.
Given these realities, it seems inexcusable that a critical Internet
router was left unrepaired for nearly a month. Reports indicate that
the router had not been destroyed or severely damaged, but was down
waiting for a part. Unless the part had to be imported from Pluto,
this isn't good enough.
No lives were lost because of this outage, but given the way online
technology is developing, it isn't too big a logical leap to imagine
human lives actually depending on e-mail or other online technologies
some day. For instance, crucial medical information could be delayed
during a future outage with disastrous results.
- - -
On a ironic note, the day after the Northridge quake I noticed an ad
for a book entitled, _Earthquake Prepared: Securing Your Home,
Protecting Your Family_ by Joel Leach. The book was published by
Studio 4 Productions, P.O. Box 280400, Northridge, CA. 91328-0400.
Looks like Studio 4 got a chance to demonstrate the effectiveness of
the book using their own offices.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lettuce to the Editor
Date: 02-08-94 (14:39)
To: LETTUCE
From: [email protected], MARK V. HARDEN - YADRL
How about "Bumper Stickers From the 'Information Superhighway'",
instead of "Taglines Seen Around the Nets"?
Mark
Random Access Humor Page 3 March 1994
Mark,
An excellent idea! It has been implemented this month with a slight
modification. The new heading will be: "Bumper Stickers Seen on the
Information Superhighway". You will receive a free copy of _Command
Line Cowboys_ just as soon as you send us your snailmail address.
Thank you for helping to improve RAH! Dave
P.S. The idea of calling this segment of the magazine "Lettuce to the
Editor" rather than the mundane "Letters..." originally came from a
RAH reader. Unfortunately I simply used the idea while forgetting to
recognize the author. Even more unfortunately I have long since
forgotten who made the suggestion. If that person is reading this,
you have my apologies.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>> The Mystery Symbol, continued <<
Area: Rahuser
Date: 02-04-94 23:26 (Public)
From: Kelly Price
To: All & Dave Bealer
Subject: RAH's Logo and v1.1
In popular response (and policy of Wild Bill T. Cat
Software) to Random Access Humor Version 1 Release 1
(Shortened to v1.1 here), we present another attempt to
confuse the general public. Please, Wild Bill T. Cat
Software is not liable for any lack of common sense or
sense of humor.
In October of 1993, the head of Wild Bill T. Cat Software,
Kelly "Price STriker" Price received the (then) latest
issue of RAH, read it, and submitted this entry (which is
now the new RAH logo):
______ __ __ __ ______
/ __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \
/ /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
/ _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
/ / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
/_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____|
Now, at the end of the RAH initials, is NOT a exclamation mark, nor a
piping character. It is a strait jacket, strait from Random Access
Humor. (If you have read or edited previous editions of RAH, you will
get the idea.)
For those with EGA screens it is preferred that you view the
logo at 25*43 text mode. VGA owners please use 25*50.
If this has confused you even more, then our purpose is done here.
If you have any questions, please E-Mail Kelly Price at the
RAH Publication BBS at Fidonet (1:261/1129). We get RAH directly.
Random Access Humor Page 4 March 1994
Area: Rahuser
Date: 02-05-94 14:01 (Public)
From: Russ Stewart
To: Kelly Price
Subject: RAH's Logo and v1.1
On 02-04-94 Kelly Price wrote to All & Dave Bealer...
KP> In popular response (and policy of Wild Bill T. Cat
KP> Software) to Random Access Humor Version 1 Release 1
KP> (Shortened to v1.1 here), we present another attempt to
KP> confuse the general public...
KP> ______ __ __ __ ______
KP> / __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \
KP> / /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
KP> / _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
KP> / / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
KP> /_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____|
KP>
KP> Now, at the end of the RAH initials, is NOT a exclamation mark...
Thanks for the explanation. I was wondering what that figure was.
At first I too thought it was an exclamation mark, and then I saw a
papoose, and finally a scat pile. But a straightjacket? Naaaaah!
....very fitting, but... wait... now I see a cerambycid (family of
beetle) larva. Ah! a Rorschach logo! How deucedly clever!
Cheers
RS
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Area: Internet Mail
Date: 02-11-94 11:20 (Private)
From: [email protected]
To: LETTUCE
Subject: A Zen Question
Dear Editor -
If a computer goes down, and no one is there to watch it, does it
really crash?
- - - - - - -
Dear Mattl,
That depends on how well it glides.
DB
- - - - - - - - - - - -
We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful
answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to:
Internet> [email protected]
FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
mailing list (send e-mail to: [email protected] for instructions)
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).
Random Access Humor Page 5 March 1994
Welcome to the FidoNet Winter Olympics
by Dave Bealer
The television networks couldn't wait four years for another great
Olympics marketing opportunity, so they're spacing them two years
apart now. For those who have the BBS bug so bad that no CRT in
their home is without a connection to a computer and a modem, here
are some alternative events which will be taking place online.
5K Cross Posting
- Competitors race to post an annoying pyramid scheme message in all
the echoes, newsgroups and conferences available on FidoNet boards.
The total number of outraged, bandwidth wasting replies is taken
into account.
Nodelist Flag Jumping
- trying to clear a blizzard of new nodelist flags. Flags for the
new terbo-charged water-cooled modems; flags to tell you about the
sysop: hair color; eye color; belly button - inney or outey? Soon
you will need a 120 MB hard disk just for the nodelist.
28.8K Bi-directional File Slinging
- competitors preserve their upload/download ratios by using a new
bi-directional file transfer protocol to upload a few megabytes of
old laundry lists while downloading the latest virtual reality game.
Rules Slalom
- the gold medalist in this event will be the first user to weave his
way through the maze of access rules at his local FidoNet BBS.
Giant Rules Slalom
- the gold medalist in this event will be the first user to weave his
way through the maze of state and local privacy and obscenity laws.
Professionals (lawyers) are prohibited from competing.
Super G-Man
- competitors attempt to use secure public-key encryption on their
messages without being busted by the Feds for making eavesdropping
difficult.
Downhill
- where the maturity level of Fido is headed (and we're not talking
physical age).
Conference Moguls
- those wacky, wonderful moderators get their turn in the spotlight.
Attacking and defending existing echoes is the name of the game.
Freestyle Aerials
- creative methods of gaining satellite access to cut echoes.
Know-It-All Combined
- a monumental gathering of the most opinionated 80% of FidoNet
users - the ones with about 5% of the net's total knowledge.
Random Access Humor Page 6 March 1994
Horse Hockey
- this stuff will be flying fast and furious in many of the echoes.
Speed Skating Around the Topic
- the gold medalists will cram the most off-topic material into
their posts while not being tossed off the echo.
Figurative Skating
- The echoes will be thick with analogies in this contest. None
of the analogies will have the slightest thing to do with
the topic at hand - or the message's subject line.
Anyone who spends two weeks reading about these events on FidoNet
will see about as much actual sports footage as those who spent two
weeks watching the CBS coverage of the real Winter Olympics. {RAH}
--------------
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: dave.[email protected]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Quick & Very Dirty Install
by Greg Borek
Congratulations on choosing Non Compos Mentis Software's Software
2000. We are sure that our Software 2000 is the finest software of
its kind. To get started, use the distribution diskettes supplied
with this release and follow the instructions provided. Happy
Computing!
1. Insert disk 1 in the drive, close the door and hit ENTER.
2. Insert disk 2 in the drive, and hit ENTER.
3. Because you didn't close the drive door, put disk 1 back in the
drive, close the door, and hit ENTER twice.
4. Can't you read? I said hit ENTER twice. Put disk 2 in the drive,
close the door, get up, walk around your chair in a clockwise
direction once, then hit ENTER.
5. DID I SAY YOU COULD SIT BACK DOWN? Wow, you are really going to
make this hard on yourself. Put disk 3 in the drive, close the
door, walk across the room barefoot while reciting the alphabet
backwards. When you get back, I'll have something else for you.
Now get going.
OK, now sit down and type in the name of the character from
Shakespeare that said, "Brevity is the soul of wit", and hit
ENTER.
Wrong, try again.
Random Access Humor Page 7 March 1994
Wrong! It was Polonius. I really don't think you are qualified
to use this software. Wouldn't you rather be watching
professional wrestling right now? No? OK, I have nowhere else to
go, so let's try again, shall we?
Put disk 1 in the drive, close the door and hit ENTER.
6. Wow, you actually did that right! You surprised me! Put disk 2
in the drive, close the door, and hit F10.
7. I wish you had a Sound Blaster so you could hear me sigh. I'll
just overlook the fact that you hit ENTER instead of F10, you
silly homo sapien.
Hey, you cheap bastard, do you realize what kind of gyrations I
have to go through because you only have a monochrome monitor?
Spring for a VGA monitor will you?
Put disk 3 in the drive, close the door, touch your nose with your
lower lip, and without uttering any expletives hit the ENTER
key.
8. No, that wasn't an expletive but you also couldn't say that on
television unless you are Howard Stern.
If you are not Howard Stern, write a letter to your mother with
that word in it. When you are finished writing your letter (I'll
wait) put disk 4 in the drive, close the door, and hit ENTER.
If you are Howard Stern, you don't need to write a letter to your
mother with that word in it - she is familiar with that word by
now. By the way, keep up the good work and I'll let you in on a
little secret: the software is all contained on the first disk and
has already been successfully installed, so you can stop now. I just
put the bozos through this drill because it gives hundreds of lower
paid workers a good laugh.
9. There were 4 spelling mistakes in the letter to your mother.
Correct them before you mail it, but I don't have the patience to
wait for you to find them. Put disk 2 in the drive, close the
door and type "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" with
your nose before hitting ENTER.
10. That took a while, but congratulations! You have passed a test
that took the ape creatures of the Indus less time to complete.
Next time get an 8 year old to help you. God knows how you are
going to actually run this software. What am I saying? You
are only going to start the software once anyway - it's not a
game! {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: [email protected]
Random Access Humor Page 8 March 1994
Grammar in the Machine
By: Vincent B. Navarino
*** FLASH! *** This just in:
There's an extremely tense and unusual drama unfolding today in
downtown New York. It seems a distraught woman is holding a group of
high school students hostage at a McDonald's restaurant.
Earlier this morning Ms. Elley Norman, a well-respected English
teacher at St. Hartman High School, walked into the establishment
wielding a large (and extremely heavy) Webster's Unabridged
Dictionary and an American made Daisy air rifle. Swinging wildly,
she forced all of the customers, except for 12 high school students,
out of the building. It has been reported that all of the teens are
part of their school's computer club.
The police arrived shortly at the scene, along with LAPD's esteemed
SWAT team (which immediately began to pump rounds into the crowd at
random). Ms. Norman sent out the dictionary-whipped, but otherwise
unharmed manager with a note. It then became clear that Ms. Norman
was upset at the dwindling reading level of high school students that
used computers. The final straw seemed to have occurred when she
logged onto a local BBS and began reading teen-agers' posts there.
Rumor has it that she snapped and went insane due to the poor use of
grammar and punctuation that comprised the bulk of their messages.
The note said that she was holding the children hostage until they
learned to "properly implement, understand and comprehend the use of
the English language."
Police are prepared for a long siege.
Hostage negotiators repeatedly attempted to communicate with Ms.
Norman to end the situation only to put off by her well worded, but
menacing replies.
Said Capt. Lou Phillips of the LAPD Hostage Negotiation Squad in a
written statement to this newscaster:
"It seems Ms. Norman, upset at the lack of english
articulation skill amongst high school students,
took it upon herself to set things to right and
force kids to learn how to properly use and respect
the english language before they dared touch a
computer."
When asked his opinion of the situation at the scene, Capt. Phillips
responded, "Hey, I tink she's a &^%! loon. But if dat broad hoits
one of dem kids, who knows what?!"
After pressing him about his response, Capt. Phillips admitted to
using Grammatik's IV grammar checker for all written statements.
Random Access Humor Page 9 March 1994
Rumor has it that McDonald's has offered to pay all college tuition
for any of the hostages, when released, that choose to pursue English
degrees upon graduating high school.
We'll keep you all posted as to the outcome of this surprising and
startling event. And now to Bill for the weather . . . {RAH}
----------
Vincent B. Navarino is one of those rare, funny and talented (not to
mention modest) Sysops who runs a bbs and that's why he's called a...
never mind, you know. He is rumored to be quite mad. He can be
found on his BBS (The Particle Board III - Fidonet 1:272/60) laughing
at the cries of his peasants . . . er . . . users. When asked his
opinion on clubbing Olympic-bound ice-skaters, he replied, "Why?
They're not real hairy and people would look at you funny if you wore
their pelts."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Digital Addiction
by Tom Fasulo
Sure, I did computer games. Hey, most of my generation did! But I
was always in control. Not like some others. Anyway, the hand-and-
eye coordination games bored me. And I quickly lost interest in the
kind of games where you try to get the hero off the Earth before the
Vogons destroyed it. I mean I could take them or leave them. Like I
just did them, you know, to be in.
Well, there was one game I kinda had a problem with. It's called
Solitile, a kind of mahjong. I'd do two or three games of it a day.
But it only had a few variations in layouts. After awhile it also
got boring. Even when I'd win, the rush wasn't there anymore. So I
stopped.
Things were going real well for me. I had a nice house, a good job
with the university, and a dog that loved me. When I'd come home at
nights we'd go for long walks and talk about software upgrades.
Then one day Greg "The SySop," a local game pusher, turned me on to
Mjvga. It was like another kind of mahjong. Sure, it only had one
layout, but there were *thirty* different tile sets! And it kept
track of your winning scores too, man. "The SySop" even told me I
could even try it out for free as it was shareware. So I did. No
problem, right? Like I said, I was always in control before.
At first I'd only do it at home, and it was great!. I had never done
a game like this before. Soon I couldn't wait to get home and do a
couple of sets before dinner. And after dinner too! Before long I
stopped taking my dog on walks as I was doing Mjvga all the time at
home. He'd sit out on the porch and wonder where I was, but I didn't
care. I'd stay up late too. After awhile the people at the office
noticed how tired I was, the circles under my eyes, and the dazed
look I had. They asked me if there was anything wrong, but I told
them to mind their own business. And Mjvga wasn't free anymore! I
had to pay the registration fee as I was using it all the time now.
But it was worth it for the good feeling it gave me.
Random Access Humor Page 10 March 1994
Then I even started doing Mjvga at the office. I'd shut the door and
do a couple sets of tiles to unwind. Then I was doing sets of tiles
most of the day. I wasn't getting any work done. Things were out of
control. I was in trouble!
Then my dog had a long talk with me. I broke down and told him
everything. He said he'd help me through the withdrawal and give me
the support I needed. So I deleted Mjvga on my computer at home, but
like most addicts I cheated. I zipped it up on my computer at the
office and kept it hidden in an out-of-the-way subdirectory.
Anyway, I didn't do tiles anymore. My dog and I went for long walks
again. Things got better at work too. I started getting papers
accepted by national journals and conferences. Grant money started
coming in. Life was good again.
Then one weekend I visited some friends down state. I thought the
guy and his wife were straight, but it turned out they were heavy in
Mjvga. They had *one hundred* and *twenty-seven* different tile
sets. So just to be sociable I tried a couple of the sets. After
all, it was only for the weekend. Soon I'd return to my normal
routine. Sure man! Sure! When I went home, I took the 127 tile
sets with me.
Now I'm into Mjvga heavier then ever. I do it at home and at work.
Seems all I ever do is think about my next set of tiles. And my dog
is stuck on the back porch again. To sort of justify what I do, I
even uploaded all the tile sets to the local BBSs. I figured that if
others were doing it then maybe I wasn't doing anything wrong. Now
other people are hooked because of me.
Because I'm a distributor now I'm getting the kind of attention I
don't want. I think the computer game police have my modem tapped.
And the last few days there's been someone in a car across the street
watching my house. Oh, God! I need help.
God? God? Hey, wait a minute! Mjvga has several tile sets with a
religious theme. Praise the Lord!
So, come brethren! Come to my house next Sunday and worship with
Pastor Tom at the First Church of the Holy Tiles. And bring a mouse.
Saint Mjvga requires it. {RAH}
--------------
Tom Fasulo is a 46 year-old entomologist with the University of
Florida, whose job it is to develop truly buggy software. He can be
reached at: [email protected]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lillehammer Moment:
(just after Dan Jansen slipped in the 500m speed skating event)
Idiotic American TV Reporter: "Is there anything wrong with the
ice? It seems really slippery."
Dan Jansen's Coach: "Ice is always slippery."
Random Access Humor Page 11 March 1994
You Only Live A Bunch Of Times: The Return of Goldfinger
by James Bond as told to Robert Hankins
I was attending a jolly gala some weeks ago in Newcastle at the
elegant home of Lord Dumpy Rothchild, the Earl of Oversized Shirts.
I was having a particularly keen time drinking my usual vodka-martini
when I glanced toward the main entrance way. There before me stood
the curious chap known as Goldfinger.
Although he was much older now, I knew it was he --- for they'd given
him one of those party name tags to wear which read "Goldfinger" on
it. He and I had a bit of a row some years ago when he tried to
steal all the gold in Fort Knox. Last I saw of the bloke he was
being sucked out the window of a DC-9. As I approached a red-head, I
called to Goldfinger. "Hello old boy, nice to see you".
The cherubic face responded with a thick German accent. "Vhy Mister
Bond, vhat a surprize! Perhaps later vee can play charades, or maybe
Trivial Pursuit, eh? Ha ha."
The red-head's name was Elizabeth Stevens, but her friends called her
Pasha, an obscure term denoting a former high-ranking official in
Turkey. The number to which we danced was a lively mambo which
lasted several minutes. When it was over, I was missing my expensive
wrist-watch made exclusively for me by the Bentley-Welles Company of
Rumpton, and my solid gold cigarette case manufactured for me by
Brunhill of Davidshire. I could only conclude they had fallen off my
person during the fray on the dance floor.
My suspicions began to fall on Auric Goldfinger, for he more than
anyone else in the room had a reputation for craving gold. I sought
out the German madman over by the punch bowl. "Alright Goldfinger,
you stole my watch and cigarette case. Let's have them back!"
He produced the items from his coat pocket. "Vhy Mister Bond, STEAL
is such a strong word! I merely found zeese things on zah dance
floor, obviously lost by some unfortunate person."
"They're mine and you know it," I said.
Goldfinger paused to immerse a Frito in some Ranch Dip, then replied,
"I do not see your name on zem, Mister Bond. Ha Ha Ha." Goldfinger
was right. He'd beaten me and he knew it.
"One question Goldfinger: Why?" I asked.
"I've lost all my money and can longer do things as in zah old days,
ya? Like vhen I could strap you to a table and threaten you wit a
giant laser beam? I did it for all zah evil geniuses zat have given
up on dominating zah vorld because of you, like zah pitiful Dr. No,
who changed his name to Dr. Goldstein and now has a small practice in
Vermont, or zah once evil Blofeld whose passion for cats led him to
open a pet store in Kansas City."
Random Access Humor Page 12 March 1994
"Well," I said, "you might as well know something about the watch,
old chum. Even though it claims to be water resistant, what that
means is, you can get it a LITTLE wet, but don't go swimming with it
or anything like that."
Goldfinger stared at the watch. "Vhere does it say zis about being
vater resistant?"
"Look closer," I said, and as Goldfinger put the watch to his face I
pressed a special button in my right pocket, releasing a cloud of
tear gas into the gold-monger's eyes. Goldfinger's head hit the
table and a large tray of smoked meats fell on him. "Honestly
Goldfinger, you're such a ham," I said. This was my cute 'throw away
line' that I always think of after dangerous situations have been
resolved.
Pasha came to my side and said, "Oh James, you're so witty."
I thought about letting the washed-up fiend keep the cigarette case;
after all, I was half to blame for losing it and could have easily
procured a new one for free, one of the many perks I get by serving
Her Majesty. But the old bean had tried to kill me several times in
the past(once by handcuffing me to an atomic bomb!), and when someone
crosses that line your relationship with them changes drastically.
As Pasha and I were leaving the party, Goldfinger shouted the usual,
you know, how I hadn't seen the last of him and that he'd return
someday. Bloody strange chap don't you think? {RAH}
--------------
Robert Hankins lives in Lake Charles, LA. No other information about
him is available, as he's in the Federal Witless Protection Program.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Great Mall
by Ray Koziel
"We are now in orbit sir, and the probe droids are being dispatched."
"Ah, good! Just look at this planet! See how beautiful it is? The
green and blue colors and so appealing to the eye. The land masses
are not very pleasing though, but that can be fixed. What do you
think, my good man?"
"Well sir, I have to agree that this is one of the more nicer planets
I've seen. But I feel it is a bit out of the way to construct a
mall."
"Oh you just sound like everybody else! I didn't become Director of
Malls on our home planet of Quintanz for nothing! Ever since I did
my first project - the Supermall on Vantagantas IV - I knew that I
had a certain talent for this type of thing! Now I am ready to do my
most excellent work of all - the Ultramegamall! But I must find a
planet worthy to build such a mall. I am sure such a planet exists
in this system. The first one is so darn close to the sun that the
customers will be sunburnt before they are even half done with their
Random Access Humor Page 13 March 1994
shopping. The second is so overcast and gloomy no one will have the
urge to shop. But here...here is a pure jewel, tucked away only to
be discovered by me!"
"Ummm...sir, the probes are reporting back with their observations."
"Good! Good! Quick, my good man, what have they found?"
"The probes report that this planet is quite suitable for life and
already has a number of lifeforms available."
"Excellent! They will make some good attractions, I'm sure!"
"The predominant life form is quite similar to our own and call
themselves 'human'. These humans refer to this planet as "Earth".
"Sounding better all the time! Sounds like there are already
potential shoppers available to us!"
"Planet composition is about 75% water, 25% land. A substantial
portion of the landmasses contain mall-type structures."
"WHAT!? Malls already exist on this planet!? This beautiful planet
is blemished by the existence of inferior malls! How dreadful! This
will not do! Oh how I hoped this would be the perfect planet. Oh
well, never mind. Come! Let us check out that little red planet
over there! I'm positive that one will work out!" {RAH}
--------------
Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in
Atlanta. Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has
become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense
of humor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dynamically Translated Address
(translated by Dave Bealer)
Four TORS and seven Queries ago our programmers brought forth on this
mainframe a new program, conceived in COBOL, and dedicated to the
transaction that all users should be serviced equally.
Now we are engaged in a great regression, testing whether that
program or any program so compiled and so debugged can long process.
We are met on a great SYSUDUMP of that regression. We have come to
dedicate a portion of that listing, as a final resting place for
those who gave their sanity that that program might run. It is
altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger partition, we cannot wait, we cannot process, we
cannot swap this address space. These brave transactions, running
and suspended, who struggled here, have processed it, far beyond our
poor instruction to add or subtract. The system log will little
note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never abend what
they did here. It is for us, the raving, rather, to be committed to
an institution while they who watched us are nobly promoted to
Random Access Humor Page 14 March 1994
management. It is rather for us to be here dispatched to the active
task remaining in the queue - that from these suspended tasks we take
increased CPU cycles for that task for which they gave the last full
page of real storage - that we here highly resolve that these
suspended shall not have swapped in vain - that this program, under
MVS, shall have a new burst of throughput - and that applications of
the region, by the region, and for the region, shall not abend from
the system.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey
Sponsored by:
EXEC-PC
P.O. Box 57 voice: (414) 789-4200
Elm Grove, WI. 2400: (414) 789-4210 V.32bis: (414) 789-4360
EXEC-PC is the world's largest BBS with 300+ incoming phone lines.
It was also one of the first major boards to adopt the Readroom Door
for online periodical viewing. Both RAH editions are personally
uploaded to EXEC-PC each month by the editor.
EXEC-PC has donated two one-year subscriptions to EXEC-PC, each
valued at $75.
Also sponsored by:
Clark Internet Services, Inc. (ClarkNet)
10600 Route 108 voice (800) 735-2258 ext. (410) 730-9764
Ellicott City, MD 21042 TDD: (410) 730-9764 FAX: (410) 730-9765
You can e-mail to [email protected] for automatic reply of ClarkNet
information or e-mail to [email protected] for inquiry.
ClarkNet provides Internet access services to the Baltimore/
Washington metro area. Full Internet/USENET/FTP/Archie/Gopher access
is available through UNIX shell accounts. UUCP, PPP, and SLIP access
is also available. The RAH support site makes its UUCP connection
thru ClarkNet. ClarkNet is connected to Internet via Sprint's T1
leased line. The modem access number is: (410) 730-9786.
ClarkNet has donated a prize package worth $100 to be awarded in a
random drawing from all fully completed 1994 RAH Reader Survey
responses received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94. The prize
package contains: 6 month ClarkNet Basic Internet Service (Internet
e-mail and USENET newsgroups only) and a copy of _Connecting to the
Internet_ by Susan Estrada. All setup fees and shipping charges are
included.
Additional prizes may be added as the survey progresses. Any such
additional prizes will he announced in future RAH issues. If your
organization would like to become a sponsor, contact Dave Bealer
for details. ([email protected]; Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129)
Random Access Humor Page 15 March 1994
-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey
(Only fully completed survey forms will be eligible for the drawing.)
>> Questions about you, the reader:
Name:___________________________________________________ Age:_______
Address:_____________________________________________________________
City:_________________________________________ State/Prov:___________
Country:______________________________ Postal Code:_________________
Electronic Address:__________________________________________________
Computer Type/Brand:______________________ Are You GUI(Y/N/Huh)?_____
Modem Brand:________________ Modem Speed:_________ 16550 UART?______
Approximate date (mo/yr) you made your first BBS call:_______________
(enter "N/A" if you haven't done these things)
Approximate date (mo/yr) you first used the Internet:________________
>> Questions about your RAH reading habits:
I get RAH from: ____ Internet Mailing List ____ FTP Site (specify)
____ BBS/Online System (specify) ____ CD-ROM (specify) ____ Friend
____ File Echo (specify) ____ Other (specify):______________________
Name of source:______________________________________________________
Net address/phone number of source:__________________________________
Location of source:__________________________________________________
Number of RAH issues your source carries:____________________________
Number of RAH issues you have read:__________________________________
Have you ever used the Readroom Periodical Reading Door (Y/N)? ______
What Changes/Additional Features would you like to see in RAH?
Random Access Humor Page 16 March 1994
>> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy:
(if you have no preference in a particular category,
enter "None")
Your favorite stand-up comedian:_____________________________________
Your favorite comic actor:___________________________________________
Your favorite comic actress:_________________________________________
Your favorite comedy movie:__________________________________________
Your favorite comedy television show:________________________________
Your favorite humorous novel:________________________________________
Your favorite comic book:____________________________________________
Your favorite humor columnist:_______________________________________
(newspaper or magazine)
Surveys may be returned at any time. Surveys that are completed and
received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94 will be eligible for a drawing
for valuable prizes.
-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------
Return the survey to:
Internet: [email protected]
FidoNet: Survey94 at 1:261/1129
Snailmail: 1994 RAH Reader Survey
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122
USA
The results from the humor/comedy preference portion of the survey
will be published in the September 1994 issue of RAH, as will the
list of winners from the drawing.
Please use the survey form from this issue or later issues. The form
published in the February 1994 issue did not include space for the
respondent's postal code. Lack of a postal code could delay the
delivery of any prize you might win.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sound Byte:
Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go
find out what they want."
- - - -
Einstein Express: when it absolutely, positively has to get
there the day before yesterday.
Random Access Humor Page 17 March 1994
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers:
For the duration of the 1994 RAH Reader Survey, we'll be providing
you with the survey responses of several RAH Writers. This month,
the survey responses of Dave Bealer:
>> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy:
(if you have no preference in a particular category,
enter "None")
Your favorite stand-up comedian:__Robin Williams_____________________
Your favorite comic actor:__Jack Lemmon/Walter Matthau_______________
(Each of them is a great comic actor in his own right,
but together they're unbeatable.)
Your favorite comic actress:__Carol Burnett__________________________
Your favorite comedy movie:__The Goodbye Girl________________________
(Chosen primarily because it contains my favorite individual
comic performance in a movie. A performance made by an
actor not otherwise know for comedy: Richard Dreyfuss as
Eliot Garfield. {The 1977 Oscar winner for Best Actor}
Being adapted from a Neil Simon play couldn't hurt either.)
Your favorite comedy television show:__M*A*S*H_______________________
(My favorite situation comedy. My favorite sketch comedy show
is the incomparable Monty Python's Flying Circus.)
Your favorite humorous novel:__Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy______
Your favorite comic book:__None______________________________________
Your favorite humor columnist:__Dave Barry___________________________
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcements and Observations
Sorry, no Twit Filter or RAH Humor Review this month. I was too busy
trying to watch the Winter Olympics. Unfortunately the American
television "journalists" were too busy covering the latest
developments in Full Contact Figure Skating to show much actual
Olympic footage.
- - -
Although the vikings have been most well known for their highly
successful "away games" during the First Millennium, the 1994 Winter
Olympians found them to be just as tough when playing at home.
Norwegian ski jumper Espen Bredesen was held aloft by sheer sound
waves from his countrymen when making his final attempt at Olympic
gold.
- - -
The American successes in Lillehammer were lead by the Ski Stooges:
Tommy Moe, Diann Woof-Rottweiler, Picabo Street, Hidenseek Lane, and
Ringaround the Rosie Boulevard.
- - -
The deadline for submissions for the April 1994 issue is 03/25/94.
Random Access Humor Page 18 March 1994
--- Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway
What came first, the woman or the department store?
I tried to smoke some hash, but the corned beef wouldn't light!
Death to all fanatics!
Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice.
Tractor pulls: for people who can't understand wrestling.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
If you can't say something nice, say something surreal.
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
I don't want the whole world, just your half.
"Energize," said Kirk, and the pink bunny appeared.
Purranoia: the fear that your cats are up to Something!
Listen to sermon before eating missionary.
I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!
Baby philosophy: If it stinks, change it.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.
"That's entertainment." - Vlad the Impaler
Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?
Professionals are predictable - amateurs are DANGEROUS!
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
Philistines demand David be tested for steroids.
I am Stoned of Borg! Resistance is like, like, I ferget.
Random Access Humor Page 19 March 1994
I brake for hallucinations.
I brake for animals - and accelerate for small children.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Seppuku: unique Japanese way to let it all hang out.
"Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of e-mail!"
Saint Fracas (456? - 458) had a short but raucous childhood.
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Suture Self Magazine, the home guide to personal surgery.
Entomology: I fear no weevil.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
...and this little piggy stayed home. He's agoraphobic.
Another smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit.
Zebra: a sports model jackass.
Chirpes: n, A canarial disease, no tweetment.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Random Access Humor Page A-1 March 1994
Random Access Humor Masthead:
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
Associate Editor: Greg Borek
Contributing Editor: Ray Koziel
Logo Design: Kelly Price
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
Internet: dave.[email protected]
[email protected]
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
>> Legal Junk <<
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by
their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does
not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
publisher.
This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with
the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the
publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher.
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
in combination with any other publication or product.
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.
Random Access Humor Page A-2 March 1994
>> Where to Get RAH <<
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
For more info, send an e-mail message to: [email protected]
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.
RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP:
etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH
(ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip)
ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah
(ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT)
(ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP)
(READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP)
>> Writing For RAH <<
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches)
may also be sent via Internet to: dave.[email protected]
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as
RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
received.
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
copyright holder.
Random Access Humor Page A-3 March 1994
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.
RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual)
<contrib>
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
RAH Gateway Systems:
Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1
<contrib>
H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
DoorNet> 75:7918/205 <contrib>
The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 <mail only - no BBS)
Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
PodsNet> 93:9600/2 <contrib>
Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent
FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis)
VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102
Random Access Humor Page A-4 March 1994
Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi
FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 16800 (HST/Dual)
GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5
The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson
FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis)
IceInet> 354:2/10
Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague
FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual)
USPolNet> 30:603/103
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau, Germany Sysop: Bernd Hohmann
FidoNet> 2:2465/317 49-6187-21739 19200 (Z19)
FidoClassic> 2:248/317 Gamesnet> 144:4906/153 BasNet> 255:1000/0
The Next Level Scarborough, ON, Canada Sysop: James FitzGibbon
FidoNet> 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 19200 (Z19)
ZyXELnet> 18:105/301 ibmNet> 40:6482/301 NAnet> 81:416/520
<contrib>
Didi's Place Dearborn Heights, MI. Sysop: Diane Pahl
FidoNet> 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 14400 (V.32bis)
W-Net_fts> 66:636/0 CrossNet> 73:4100/3 SEMSOGNt> 94:101/0
<contrib>
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
-= AUSTRALIA =-
Northern Territory
Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis
Victoria
The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis
-= BELGIUM =-
Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis
-= CANADA =-
Ontario
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis
The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 Z19
Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST
-= FRANCE =-
The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/210 33-1-39633662 V.32bis
Random Access Humor Page A-5 March 1994
-= GERMANY =-
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19
-= ICELAND =-
The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis
-= ITALY =-
Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19
-= NETHERLANDS =-
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual
Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
-= PORTUGAL =-
The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis
-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis
-= SLOVENIA =-
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis
-= UNITED STATES =-
Alabama
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis
California
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual
Connecticut
ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis
Florida
Ruby's Joint Coconut Grove 1:135/373 (305) 856-4897 V.32bis
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
Hawaii
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
Idaho
Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis
Illinois
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32
Random Access Humor Page A-6 March 1994
Indiana
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual
Maryland
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis
Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual
Michigan
Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis
Mississippi
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
Missouri
Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis
New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:317/100 (505) 865-8385 V.32
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:317/317 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis
New York
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
Particle Board 3 Monroe 1:272/60 (914) 783-2455 V.32
Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis
ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis
Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST
Oklahoma
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
Oregon
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
Pennsylvania
Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis
Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
Texas
Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual
Utah
Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
Random Access Humor Page A-7 March 1994
Virginia
Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual
Washington
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis
West Virginia
Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis
Wisconsin
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis
=====================================================================
Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)
Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)
EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)
SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193
Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137
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