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All about preachers
A Monthly Humor Periodical
Chuck Strinz - Editor. Don Fitzwater - Associate Editor
© Copyright Strinz Creative unless otherwise noted
Issue #31 2/20/87
ORGAN ROBBER'S ON-LINE CHURCH OF THE GOOD TIME NEWS
by Ed Eubanks
Brothers and sisters, welcome to the On-Line Church of the Good Time News. We
are brought directly into your homes the first payday of every month here on
station KBUX, with on-line support from BBL, the Bulletin Board of the Lord.
Some of you are new to our program. I hear you ask, "Why? Why do we need
another church, why do we need another preacher? Isn't Pat Robertson enough to
scare the hell out of everybody?" Well some of you haven't been watching. On
Sunday mornings some of you have been clogging up the phone lines, calling
this and that BBS and paying no attention to the Word. The Lord has seen you.
He has seen you and he came to me in a vision. He came to me and said, "Tap
that market."
I was called, brothers and sisters. I was called to search the paths and
directories for those lost on the floppy disk of life. I've been called to give
you a dedicated line to heaven, and a modem to upload your supplications and
download the Good News. Called to bring salvation to idolators who postrate
theyselves before electronic Satan. Called to bring you a new DOS, to undelete
your salvation and to write your name to the heavenly sector.
Before I start the sermon today, I want to remind all of the faithful about our
"electronic revival" ministry. Is your printer acting up? Maybe your modem is
sending you messages in Chinese, or the floppy disks are going bad? Friends,
don't waste your money taking your equipment to some godless humanist
technician. Send a letter (along with a small donation) to me here at the
On-line Church of the Good Time News and I will pray for your equipment.
I just want to take a little time out to remind you about our faith
partnerships. For a small donation you can buy membership into one of our
clubs. There's the 300 club, the 1200 club, the 2400 club and the 9600 club.
Now, depending on which club you join, you will be given a specific
fund-raising duty. Those special faith partners who purchase a membership
into the 9600 club (for just $275) will be ordained and given the power to
perform "in-home" faith-healings on electrical appliances.
The text for today's sermon comes from two different chapters, and I think they
can be found someplace in Revelations. "I am my brother's keeper." And "Cast
your bread upon the waters." Dearly beloved, the cost of thy brother's upkeep
has been rising. And you have to cast more bread on the waters if you want to
help us catch more suckers.
Our old-time faith partners are all familiar with the church's long-standing
support of Lulu's Home for Wayward Girls. Our good friend Lulu Jackson
provides room, board, and work for young women who find themselves on the
street, lost, alone, penniless; without a friend in the world; ravaged by the
clutches of sin and degradation.
The On-line Church and your pastor have been major contributors to Lulu's
efforts. Many a night I have gone there to provide comfort to these wretched
lambs. To lay hands on their tired bodies. To stir their spirits with that
old time religion and to leave a coin or two pressed in their palms. Some
nights I've visited one. Other nights I would see as many as six. Many a time
I've returned home dead tired with perspiration ringing my brow and my back
torn and bleeding from wrestling with Lucifer himself.
I'm doing my part! I'm doing my part, but contributions from the faithful have
been dwindling. The On-Line Church of the Good Time News is going through
severe financial difficulty. The grip of debt is the fist of the devil! We
have already lost the '85 Lincoln used to deliver Christmas cards to the
shut-ins. Our summer camp program for poor city kids will be canceled unless
we make our Club Med payments. Worse than anything else, your Church can no
longer support the efforts of Lulu to keep these poor girls off the streets.
We are failing the girls and we are failing the Lord.
Your pastor has tried. Oh yes, I've tried. Even after the money ran out I
continued to go to Lulu's in the spirit of charity. I have promised Lulu that
somehow we'd come up with the money I pledged, but it looks bleak.
Brothers and sisters. Your church is in deep trouble. Very deep financial
troubles. Last week, as I sat praying, the phone rang. It was God. He said,
"Organ, if you don't come up with Lulu's 15 Grand by March 15, you're one dead
mutha." Let me tell you sisters and brothers, this divine revelation made me
sweat. I wanted to run. I wanted to pack up and take off like Jonah. I
wanted to pack my bags and run but His vigilant angels won't let me near the
airport or the bus depot.
I must raise $15,000 in 4 weeks for Lulu's girls or I will die. Sisters and
Brothers! I am begging! I am pleading! If you could see me now you would see
beads of sweat the size of snowballs rolling down my forehead. I have never
shirked my calling. I have borne my burden and carried my load, but friends,
the back is weary and the legs are weak. I need your help.
I know. Times are hard. You have rent to pay and groceries to buy. You have
medicines to purchase and kids to support, but you must also have faith. Cast
your bread upon the waters! Stand up and be counted.
I am asking each of you to dig into your pockets. Five dollars. Ten dollars.
If some of you can send $500 or $5000 that would be appreciated so much.
Someone out there is suffering from arthritis in both hands. You are in deep
pain and medical science has told you there is nothing that can be done for
you. Take out your checkbook. Write a check. Your hands will feel better
immediately after I receive it.
I feel someone out there has a mother who is ill and cannot leave her bed. She
has a high fever. She can't breathe. Her eyes stare blankly off into space.
The doctors say she won't be around much longer. Get her up! Get her up and
walk her down to the mailbox with a money order made out to the On-line Church
of the Good Time News! She will be healed as soon as I receive it.
Somewhere, I feel the pain of a young mother who is distraught because she
cannot feed her hungry infant. You want guidance. You want to know if you
should give the baby up for adoption or keep her. Your prayer has been heard!
God wants you to sell her to the baby buyers and send the money to me.
To those of you who mail in five dollars, we will send a lovely pamphlet
titled The Basic Program to Heaven. Those partners who send in $50 dollar
pledges will receive an inspiring poster. It's a picture of me standing in the
pool at the Romp n' Rump Motel, baptizing one of Lulu's girls who is wearing an
On-line Church of the Good Time News baptismal T-shirt. For those faith
partners who send in contributions of $100 we will send On-line Church of the
Good Time News spoons that are shaped like a cross and can be used to give
yourself nose-drops. For those who are moved to send $1000 or more, we are
offering free Sinclair/Timex computers and public domain software containing
all 10 books of the Old Testament.
Friends. Brothers and sisters. Your church has been given a challenge. Your
pastor's very life is tied to the success of the effort. How will we answer?
How will the final chapter read? I for one am doing everything in my power to
raise the money. I am fervently praying that you'll do the same.
With your help, I will live to write again. Until then, this is Reverend Organ
Robber, pastor of the On-line Church of the Good Time News saying goodbless,
goodnews, goodtimes and goodcredit.
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