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Paramedics from Hell 15
From : Phil Arnold 26 Sep 95
Subj : Paramedics from Hell 15
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Received a call for a 'man with a problem,' and arrived to find a
paraplegic man in bed, who simply called us to re-attach his 'Texas' cath.
He had no use of his legs, and limited use of his arms, so fine motor
skills were out of the question. He did, however, have all sorts of things
hung around his bed - bottles of Jim Beam with straws, water bottles, bags
of chips, and several TV remotes. He was drunk at the time he called us,
and after he opened the front door by remote-control, was found in the
bedroom, waving a nickel-plated .38.
"My fucking catheter fell off!" he yelled.
"Well, what do you want us to do about it?"
"Fucking put it back on."
"Listen man, I ain't touching your thing unless I have to. We'll take you
to the hospital."
Then we thought about the process of extricating this man, driving him to
the hospital, then filling out the paperwork for the call, and decided it
wasn't worth. We agreed that it was best to replace the catheter there,
clear-up as a 'public assist' and go back to bed. There was only one
problem. *Who* was going to put the thing on.
As usual, I lost the coin-toss, and several minutes later, I was touching
this guy's shrivelled schlong with my double-gloved hands. Trouble was, he
wasn't the most hygenic person around, and I had to *clean* the damn thing
before I could re-apply the cath. Also there's an _adhesive_ you apply to
the penis to make sure that it doesn't get dislodged.
So here I am with this packet of adhesive, this guy's shrivelled dick,
which looked more like a Vienna sausage that'd been left out in the sun too
long than a penis, and the guy being drunk, giggling as he looked at my
obvious disgust.
Sometimes it helps if the penis is, well, a bit ... angry, as it helps when
you roll the condom on. That was not an option with this guy. Quite
frankly, if it *did* get angry, I'd drop the damn thing and leave.
I finally got the catheter on, with my partner on the sidelines, trying not
to laugh, and the guy staring at me, laughing his fucking head off. I made
him scrawl a 'refusal for treatment' form and left.
I guess I used too much adhesive, as the next week, my company got another
call to his address, this time by the visiting nurse, who was having
trouble *removing* the cath. Someone else transported him.
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