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Making fun of OJ to the tune of Green Eggs and Ham
SUBJECT: OJ Simpson Assault Shovel
*** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ***
From: SCI (Shovel Control Inc.)
Re: The OJ Simpson Military-Style Assault Shovel Control Bill
-----
We hear today on the news that California police have found the
murder weapon used in killing OJ Simpson's ex-wife and her
boyfriend. they found the dreaded
ASSAULT SHOVEL (military-style entrenching tool)
in OJ Simpson's home.
This discovery points out the terrible truth in America that
common civilians cannot be trusted to own these deadly military
instruments of murder. These ASSAULT SHOVELS are sharp and
easily concealed (SATURDAY NIGHT SHOVELS), and can be readily
obtained, EVEN BY CONVICTED FELONS at any camping supply or
army surplus store. There are no waiting periods, background
checks, and you don't even have to show ID to buy one. just
walk into any store and lay down $5 to $10 and out you go,
ready to kill and maim. Furthermore, with an ASSAULT SHOVEL, a
deranged maniac is able to kill HUNDREDS of innocent victims
WITHOUT EVER HAVING TO STOP TO RELOAD HIS WEAPON!
We as a society, should also be aware of the fact that OJ
Simpson, should he prove to have been the wielder of this
horrible weapon, is not really responsible for these tragic
deaths, instead, we must blame the weapon itself. Had it not
been so terribly easy for OJ to obtain this military assault
shovel, he certainly would not have been so inclined to
violence and these two innocent victims would be alive today.
We at SCI (Shovel Control, Inc.) do therefore call for Congress
to introduce legislation banning the manufacture and sale of
these Military-Style Assault Shovels, and also severely curtail
the availability of equally-deadly civilian shovels, from the
large and murderous SPADE to the cheap and easily-concealed
hand trowel. Americans want the OJ Bill, and the National
Gardening Association is too weak to stop this life-saving
legislation.
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