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NetWit Vol.2 #28
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 15-AUG-1992 17:28:50.38
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 28
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Sonja Kueppers)
Subject: Funny things in my new lease
Swiped from: rec.humor.funny (moderated):
______
A couple of days ago, I signed an intent to lease a new apartment. The
landlord gave me a copy of his standard lease to look over, which included
the following gems:
Lessee waives his/her right of exemption of $300 cash or personal property,
and of any sewing machine in any sale by distress of lessee's personal
property.
NO PETS. Not even "just visiting". Not for ten seconds. Lessee agrees
to pay a $25 penalty rent for each and every time he is warned (caught).
Warnings will come at five minute intervals until animal is off the premises.
[...] Lessee will be evicted regardless of amount of time animal(s) is on
premises.
There will be no beer taps or kegs, no bar, no dart board, no ping pong
table, no pool table, no pin ball or other game machines, etc., anywhere
on the premises. Lessee will pay a $200 fine each time a beer keg is
placed in lessor's refrigerator.
Lessee will not bring furniture into "furnished" premises.
Lessee shall make no alterations, additions, or improvements to premises.
Any improvements made by lessee become the property of lessor. [...]
The following activities are prohibited in or on the premises: Painting
with oil paints, [...] ballet, and calisthenics [...].
There is a fifteen dollar charge for opening locked doors for tenants
unless lessor happens to be nearby.
CASH payments are accepted ONLY at the convenience of the lessor. Lessee
is encouraged to pay by check or money order. Failure to pay rent because
of inability to locate lessor so as to hand him cash will result in the
prescribed late fees.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Kent C Ritchie)
Subject: THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
Swiped from: rec.humor:
______
======================
THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO
WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
======================
----------------------------------------------------------------
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
---------------------------------------------------------------
REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35
Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2
Orchestra swelled.............6
UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang
Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7
Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3
Earth moved..................30
Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT:
Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2
Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY:
For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3
Losing erection............14 For men......................72
Searching for it..........115
GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53
Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the
fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2
If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3
Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account..
Inexperienced..............73 20
If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION:
Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5
it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the
dog during foreplay..........14
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for
Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10
kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7
Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40
Man getting permission.....55
American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse..........60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100
Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55
Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100
Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75
Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion
500
Thanking partner quickly......2
ORGASM:
Real.......................27
Faked.....................160
__________________________Send Jokes--Have a nice day._________________________
The above collection of characters was mailed to you by Jeffrey H. Knodel.
The humor contained herin is in the public domain (unless otherwise noted),
and is yours to do with as you please. Submissions, questions, etc. should
be sent to [email protected].edu. To subscribe, send me a letter asking
to be added, and include your correct internet address in the body.
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