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Volume 2, parts 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 of NetWit
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 23-JUL-1992 06:13:04.12
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 4
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
[Ok, ok, Ok, I have changed the joke headers and eliminated the "___ ___"'s
and I have changed the disclaimer so It does not begin like another joke.
other comments will be appreciated (the changes will be in effect for jokes
added after this point). -jk]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (mathew sutherland)
Subject: Dog of a joke
Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. ([email protected])
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Seen on Pavlov's door:
Knock.
Don't ring bell.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: "Bart Schorsch" <[email protected]>
Subject: Work at the pickle factory
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Ole worked at the pickle factory and he came home early one day to his wife,
Lena.
"Ole! What's wrong?"
"Lena, I had to come home early. I got my penis caught in the pickle slicer."
"Oh my God, Ole! Are you okay? Better let me take a look."
So Ole drops his pants and Lena gives him a thorough examination.
"Ole, it looks fine to me. How is the pickle slicer?"
"They fired her, too."
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Cecil Williams)
Subject: Play CD's at least once a year?
Swiped from: rec.music.cd
Liberated from Spaf's 'Yucks Digest'. ([email protected].edu)
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
(John Fereira) writes:
> (Mr. Weather) writes:
>|Unless my mind invented this, I recall hearing somewhere that CD's should be
>|played at least once a year in order to "maintain" them. Has anyone
>|heard this? Is there any scientific basis for this?
>
>This is true, but for optimum performance you should touch up the green ink
>on the sides every three months.
The reason that CD's MUST be played at least once a year, is that the
interface between the plactic and the aluminum is unstable over time,
when left unplayed, and eventually moisture from humidity, combined
with electrostatic energy that is present in the air all around us, builds
up in the junction of the aluminum/plastic, and the polymerized plastic
will eventually break down and melt just like hot wax!
The only thing that will prevent this from happening is the stabilizing
action of a coherent beam of light; eg the laser that reads the CD each time
it's played. It's a little know fact that your CD's will actually get a
little bit tougher each time they're played. The more you play them, the
longer they will last!
NOTE* This only applies to CD players with ruby-lasers. Argon or
helium lasers produce coherent light beams of other colors that will
not give the same protection to your disks! If your CD player does not
have a red laser beam pickup, you should probably take all your disks
to your dealer or a friends house at least once a year for a
stabilization playback! (There should be a statement in your CD player's
manual about the type of laser it has)
Also - those of you who have noticed pits developing in your CD's
AFTER you started playing them, probably need to have the focus checked
on the laser in your player! If the laser beam gets over-focused, it can
actually burn a hole right through the disk! It's just like when you take
a magnifying glass and focus the sun into a pinpoint with it. It gets
REAL hot... This isn't so much of a problem as long as the disk keeps
rotating - ever notice how warm the disk is when you take it out of
your car player? The problem happens when the motor that rotates the
disk has a dead spot in it, and the disk stops rotating occasionally.
The stall detector circuitry senses this right away, and re-boots the
motor, but often by then the over-focused laser beam has vaporized a pit
on the CD...
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: Mike Arras <[email protected]>
Author: Bennet Serf ("Anything for a laugh") [I happen to own the book-jk]
Subject: I'm not nearly so think as you drunk I am.
______
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew
the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from
the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so
feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Anand M Chakravarty)
Subject: Notty Limerix
Swiped from: rec.humor,alt.sex
______
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandago on skates,
But a fall on his cutlass
Rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Available Again)
Subject: Comdoms and you
______
Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA
A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that
they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to
the local pharmacy to buy some condoms.
Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the
pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of
'42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says,
"What's wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you
wanna go to bed with each other. Why can't ya save sex for
when ya get married. You should wait until you're married!
Sex before marriage is a sin ya know."
Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that
his generation was a little different. He said that he and
his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take
precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist
conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the
condoms.
That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend
Katey's house for dinner with the family. When they all sat
down, Tom asked Katey's father if he could say grace. Her
father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven
minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the
President for the meal they were about to eat.
After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said,
"Tom, you never told me you were so religious!" Tom smiled
back and said, "Well, Katey, you never told me you father was
a pharmacist."
__________________________Send Jokes--Have a nice day._________________________
The above collection of characters was mailed to you by Jeffrey H. Knodel.
The humor contained herin is in the public domain (unless otherwise noted),
and is yours to do with as you please. Submissions, questions, etc. should
be sent to [email protected].edu. To subscribe, send me a letter asking
to be added, and include your correct internet address in the body.
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 24-JUL-1992 05:11:29.15
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 5
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
[Some kind soul mentioned the joke list in rec.humor, (not that I
mind) So once again the readership has increased by a decent amount.
(Welcome new people) (and before anyone asks, 421) I'm working on a
new intro message, so expect another administrivia message sometime
soon. (read: a week or two) Have a weekend. (take two, they're
small...)-jk]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: sara susskind <[email protected].edu>
Author: [email protected] (John Turman)
Subject: Re: Easy Access To Black Beach
Swiped from: rec.nude
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
In article <[email protected]> [email protected] (John Turman)
writes:
>As I recollect from my surfing (naked naturally, is that redundant?)
I've see a few "surf naked" bumper stickers around here, but always assumed
they were displayed by animal rights activitists. With the cold water
here most surfers wear wetsuits; but rubber is probably hard for
sharks to digest.
[email protected]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Author: jeannie west © 8/90
Subject: Warm Eyes
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Warm Eyes
warm eyes, wet lips
gently touch my finger tips
soft sighs, silky hair
longing for me to touch her there
her begging eyes
her whimpering cries
urgent needs of one so sweet
bring me quickly to my feet
the night is warm, there is no doubt
it's my turn to take the dog out
jeannie west © 8/90
[A note, Jeannie claims copyright to this one, so if you want to propigate it,
you should talk to her. -jk]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: <unknown>
Subject: Car accident
Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. ([email protected])
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
I have a friend who was driving in his car with his five year old daughter,
Sarah, when he was involved in a minor traffic accident. As he got out of the
car, Sarah asked where he was going. He replied that he was going to exchange
names with the driver of the other car. When he came back, Sarah asked with a
worried voice, "What's your name now, Daddy?"
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: The Associated Press
Subject: A Scary Way To Make a Bank Deposit
Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. ([email protected])
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
(A.P.) East Greenbush, N.Y.
State police have brought a charge of disorderly conduct against a man who
handed a bank teller a note that read: "Don't be alarmed. This is a bank
deposit. Please take the money out of the envelope and put it in the bank."
Investigator Joseph Kivlin said John Kronau, 25, of Averill Park, was arrested
because the note apparently was given to the teller "to alarm her as a prank."
Police said Kronau handed over the note Wednesday at the East Greenbush branch
of the Troy Savings Bank to make a $225 deposit. He is scheduled to appear
in court Wednesday.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: <unknown>
Subject: Four o'clock and all's well.
Liberated from Gunter Ahrendt's mailing list.([email protected])
______
At this Air Force base around four pm this was heard: It is now 1600. For those
of you in the Navy, it is 8 bells. For those of you in the Marines, the big
hand is on the 12...
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: graham@visionware.co.uk (Graham Porter)
Subject: The 7 dwarves go off to the mine
Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. ([email protected])
______
The 7 dwarves go off to the mine and leave Snow White at home.
Some time later there's a huge explosion and Snow White goes rushing
off to see what's happened. When she gets there all she can hear
is this squeaky voice coming from down the mineshaft saying
"OS/2 is the Operating System of the future".
Thank God she says - at least Dopey is still alive !
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: heaphy (Kathleen A. Heaphy)
Subject: Headlines from the ^You've-got-to-see-it-to-believe-it' department:
Liberated from Spaf's 'Yucks Digest'. ([email protected].edu)
______
>From the Salt Lake City Deseret News:
Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
>From the Jackson, Mississippi Clarion-Ledger:
Suicides asked to reconsider
>From the Sacramento Bee:
Drug firm ordered to supply women
>From the San Francisco Examiner:
New Autos to Hit 5 Million
>From the Honolulu Pacific Business News:
Office Building Permits Plunge
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Robyn Stewart)
Subject: Brightness knob has no effect on user
Swiped from: rec.humor.funny
______
From: RL
Subject: Wyse on old desk broken
To: CSC
The wyse terminal on the old desk seems to broken. It seems to send characters
to the gandalf box, but it doesn't display anything (yes, I checked the
brightness controls :>)
RL
------
From: DW
Subject: Re: Wyse on old desk broken
To: RL
>The wyse terminal on the old desk seems to broken. It seems to send characters
> to the gandalf box, but it doesn't display anything (yes, I checked the
> brightness controls :>)
Fixed.
The contrast was turned down.
DW
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (William C. Haga)
Subject: Flies and Von Neumann
Swiped from: rec.humor.funny
______
A true story: [sure-jk]
I was discussing brain teasers with Professor N (of the
Math Department) and Mr. Smith (a computer science student
and hacker) in my university office. We had just discussed
the problem of the house fly that travels back and forth
between two bicycles that are approaching each other until
the fly can travel no more. The hard way to figure out how
far the fly travels in total is to solve an infinite
series. The easy way is to figure out how much time it
takes for the bikes to crash into each other, then multiply
that by the speed the fly had been traveling.
After that discussion, I told the story of how a student
had approached John Von Neumann, the brilliant
mathematician and computer scientist, with this same
problem. Von Neumann gave the correct answer almost
immediately. The embarrassed student started to say how
most people don't realize that there is an easier solution
than to solve the infinite series, when Von Neumann
interrupted him to say, "What do you mean? That is how I
solved it!"
Mr. Smith looked confused. "Who is this Von Neumann guy?"
he asked.
Professor N, absolutely appalled that a computer science
student wouldn't know the legend of John Von Neumann,
exclaimed, "Who is Von Neumann! Why, he's the person most
responsible for what you've been playing with these past
several years!"
Whereupon Mr. Smith's jaw dropped in amazement, as he
looked down at his crotch.
__________________________Send Jokes--Have a nice day._________________________
The above collection of characters was mailed to you by Jeffrey H. Knodel.
The humor contained herin is in the public domain (unless otherwise noted),
and is yours to do with as you please. Submissions, questions, etc. should
be sent to [email protected].edu. To subscribe, send me a letter asking
to be added, and include your correct internet address in the body.
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 24-JUL-1992 22:42:39.94
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 6
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
[ A few people have recommended that I include more 'short' jokes. I'd be
more than happy to, if someone sent them to me. I can't mail out what I don't
have... -jk]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Subject: Man Joke
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was
walking past an empty cart when I heard a female voice say,
"Mister, are you using that cart?"
"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As I walked toward the store I heard her murmur, "Typical
male."
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Subject: a fisherman
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
There was a fisherman who lived in the vicinity of New Orleans who rapidly
gained a reputation as the only one around for miles who could go
out and bring back a hold full of fish, when all the other boats would
go out and search fruitlessly all day and come back with nothing because
the schools of fish were moving away in their yearly migrations.
A local youth asked if he could accompany the fisherman in order to learn
his secrets of success. The fisherman reluctantly agreed, on the condition
that the kid keep his mouth shut about how the fisherman worked. The kid
agreed.
After cruising for a while, the fisherman stopped the boat, and dropped
anchor. "This looks like a good spot," he said. He sat down near an
unmarked box and lit up a large cigar. Then he reached into the box,
pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it with the cigar and threw it
overboard. Kaboom! Dozens of fish floated to the surface, stunned by the
blast. The kid spluttered, "You...you...you can't do that! That's illegal,
immoral and...and harmful to the environment." The fisherman pulled out
another stick of dynamite, lit it, and stuck it into the hands of the youth.
"Son," he said, "Are you going to fish...or talk?"
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: <unknown>
Subject: And in the 80's this might have been funny.
Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. ([email protected])
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
Astronomers at Cal Tech, using the 200-inch Mount Palomar telescope, have
sighted the economic recovery just beyond the orbit of the planet Saturn.
The recovery, which passes periodically through the solar system, will
not be visible to the naked eye until 1988.
[Well, its '92, anyone with better eyes than I? -jk]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Subject: What the elephant said, on encountering a naked man:
______
"Cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Subject: dyslexic policeman
______
The dyslexic cop spent his whole shift giving out IUDs.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: "Matthew J. Baya" <[email protected]>
Author: [email protected] (Gary Fowler)
Subject: Neighbor's rabbit
Swiped from: alt.folklore.urban
______
There were two neighbors who were not getting along very well. The point
of contention was that neighbor A had a dog that would get loose and go
to neighbor B's yard. It would knock over the garbage and do other
annoying dog things on the lawn. It got to the point that the next time
the dog got loose, the manure was going to hit the fan. Neighbor A was
trying to be very careful so the dog wouldn't get loose. One day while
neighbor A was weeding her flower garden, she noticed her dog in neighbor
B's yard. To her horror she saw that her dog had neighbor B's pet rabbit
in it's mouth. She quickly hopped over the fence and got the rabbit away
from the dog, but it was too late to save it's life. She didn't want her
dog to get blamed for the rabbits death so she qiuckly thought of a plan
to cover up the incident. Luckily nieghbor B wasn't home so she took the
rabbit to her house and put it in the bath tub. She shampooed it's fur to
get all the dirt and blood out. She used her blow drier to get the fur
all nice and fluffy. Then she snuck back to her neighbors yard and gently
placed the rabbit back in it's cage. After she got back to her yard, she
was curious to see what would happen when neighbor B returned home and
noticed the dead rabbit. So she went back to weeding her flowers where
she could have a good view of her neighbors back yard and the rabbit pen.
A short while later, neighbor B returned home and went to her back yard
to do some yard work. As she passed by the rabbit pen she stopped and
stared at the rabbit with her mouth wide open. After a couple of minutes
neighbor A couldn't stand the suspence any longer. She just had to ask
neighbor B what the matter was. Neighbor B just turned and pointed at the
deceased rabbit and stammered, "Our rabbit died yesterday, and we buried
it. But there it is back in the cage!"
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Subject: How far are your doo-dads from the end of your big thing?
Swiped from: rec.humor.funny
______
[just in case you are wondering, doo-dads=testicles (you'd be surprised
at some of the "duhh... I don't get it letters I get...-jk]
A couple of Vietnam War buddies are driving along a road, somewhere in
Georgia, when they come across a sign that reads:
"We'll give you $1000 for every inch, over a foot,
that your doo-dads are from the end of your big
thing."
So, one of the pair turns to the other one and informs his friend that
he wants to enter the contest. So they pull off the road and enter
the bar.
Man: I saw your sign and I want to enter your contest.
Waitress: OK, would you come out back with me, please?
They go out back, and, on her request, he lays out his "big thing" on
the table.
Waitress: That's a rather large thing you have there, but
where are your doo-dads?
Man: Saigon.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: <unknown>
Subject: A private dick
Liberated from Gunter Ahrendt's mailing list.([email protected])
______
Hi there. I'm a detective. My name is Friday. I work on Saturday.
She's my secretary. A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall
We're on the seventh floor. Last week, a woman walked into
my office. She pulled out a pair of 45s, then she pulled out a gun.
She invited me to a party that night. As we were driving to the
party, we got a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she
jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got to the party,
everyone was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave. Then everyone
started jumping for joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left. We went
to her place. A rock broke through the window and hit her in the
breast, I broke three fingers. I started petting her pussy, then her cat
walked in. Her husband showed up...told me to beat it, so I did, then
I left.
__________________________Send Jokes--Have a nice day._________________________
The above collection of characters was mailed to you by Jeffrey H. Knodel.
The humor contained herin is in the public domain (unless otherwise noted),
and is yours to do with as you please. Submissions, questions, etc. should
be sent to [email protected].edu. To subscribe, send me a letter asking
to be added, and include your correct internet address in the body.
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 25-JUL-1992 21:24:59.40
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 7
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected].edu (Karen M Grenus)
Author: Lee Sunderlin (her beau)
Subject: looking for Rudolf Seiler
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
> You might pass this phone conversation on to the joke list. It was an
> actual conversation my old roommate had recently in Switzerland.
>
> Frau. S: Rudolf Seiler?
>
> Jeff: Seiler? No, not at this number.
>
> Frau S: Rudolf Seiler? I'd like to talk with Rudolf Seiler?
>
> Jeff: No, there's nobody here with that name.
>
> Frau S: I'm looking for Rudolf Seiler.
>
> Jeff: There is nobody with that name in the Ott group.
>
> Frau S: It's me. I'm his mother.
>
> Jeff: Yes, well, you have the wrong number.
>
> Frau S: I'm calling 377-2858.
>
> Jeff: Ah, yes! You DO have the wrong number!
>
> Frau S: No! He wrote it down himself!
>
> Jeff: No...no...this is 2245.
>
> Frau S: (confused noises)
>
> Jeff: I mean, this is 377-2245.
>
> Frau S: But I'm calling 377-2858.
>
> Jeff: And that is not MY number...
>
> Frau S: Of course not. It's Rudolf's number. He wrote it down himself.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: HC3
Author: Stephen Pile
Subject: ome items adapted from the amusing British "Book of Heroic Failures"
Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. ([email protected])
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a
cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful
was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with
fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his
seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.
"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to
be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the
building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a
practical joke.
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
trapped in the revolving doors again.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Bill Wisner)
Subject: More news of the weird.
Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. ([email protected])
______
In Atlanta's Fulton County Jail in November, inmates were watching one of
their favorite shows, "America's Most Wanted," when a photo came on the
screen of a man wanted for murder and arson. Several heads turned around to
Jessie Lee Baker, 27, and one inmate said, "Hey, that's you!" Inmates
notified authorities, who called the show's producers to report Baker's
whereabouts and put the inmates names in for the reward.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: Mike Arras <[email protected]>
Author: Mark Twain
Subject: A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
______
[Part of this is missing, and I don't have the original source.
The jist is that this is a proposed plan to gradually update the
way to spell things in english -jk]
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Rob Dar-Woon)
Subject: Sunday school & kids
Swiped from: rec.humor.funny
______
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about Noah and his
adventures in the arc.
"So do you think Noah did a lot of fishing?", she asked the
class.
"How could he," said one bright girl, "with only two worms?"
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Available Again)
Subject: The young lady
______
The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a
little early and surprise her husband. When she got home she saw her husband
in the bedroom. She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes."
So John took off her shoes. Then she said, "John, take off my dress." So
John obliged and took off her dress. Next it was "John, take off my slip."
So John took off her slip. Then she said, "John take off my bra!" So John
unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor. Lastly she said "John, take
off my panties!!!." After John finished removing her panties she said,
"Don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
__________________________Send Jokes--Have a nice day._________________________
The above collection of characters was mailed to you by Jeffrey H. Knodel.
The humor contained herin is in the public domain (unless otherwise noted),
and is yours to do with as you please. Submissions, questions, etc. should
be sent to [email protected].edu. To subscribe, send me a letter asking
to be added, and include your correct internet address in the body.
[administrivia note: adds and deletes don't take place over the weekend, so
if you're waiting for one or the other, it will happen by Monday -jk]
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 26-JUL-1992 22:15:43.35
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 8
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (jim volk x2375)
Subject: SEMINARS FOR MEN
______
| SEMINARS FOR MEN:
|
| Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of all
| marital status. Please note, the names of some of the courses have
| been changed. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is
| mandatory.
|
| 1. Combatting Stupidity
| 2. You Can Do Housework Too
| 3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
| 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
| 5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.
| 6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am.
| 7. Wonderful Laundry Technique (formerly called "Don't Wash my
| Silks")
| 8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
| 9. How not to Act like and Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
| 10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
| 11. Spelling - Even you can get it right
| 12. You - The Weaker Sex
| 13. Reasons to give Flowers
| 14. How to stay awake after sex
| 15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the
| Washroom
| 16. Garbage - Getting it to the Curb.
| 17. #101 - You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
| #102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
| 18. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
| 19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A
| Bidet")
| 20. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
| 21. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
| 22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
| 23. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
| 24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
| 25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
| 26. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
| 27. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
| 28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
| 29. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
| 30. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
| 31. The Attainable Goal - Omitting !@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary
| 32. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Rakesh DESAI)
______
This guy buys a brilliant (expensive) new bike, made of some super light
metal, but he is warned that it is *not* waterproof, and in the event
of rain he should take precautions to water proof it.
So he's out in the country riding it, when he notices that there are
some clouds coming over, and begins to worry about rain, so he pulls
into the next country town to get something to cover his bike with....
When he knocks at the door of the farmhouse, an old farmer opens the
door and smiles....then suddenly grabs him and drags him inside into
the kitchen "Just in time for dinner !"
The cyclist is apalled at the fact stacked in one corner of the kitchen
is the biggest pile of dishes he's ever seen....and he sees that more
is stacked elsewhere !
The farmer explains "Sit down, its dinner time....but I must warn you,
anyone who talks at the dinner table must do the dishes....as you can
see, no-one has talked at the dinner table for some time !"
So the cyclist sits down with the farmer, the farmers wife and two
gorgeous teenage daughters....dinner continues silently.
Feeling mischievious, the cyclist decides that he will get the farmer
to talk, so he reaches out and grabs the breast of the elder daughter.
The women at the table gasp, but quickly shut their mouths, the farmer
glances up, then immediately returns to his meal.
A little jilted, the cyclists lifts the dress of the same girl and
takes a peek in the panties of the lady, again the farmer continues
dinner rather quietly. So, with that, he pushes apart the legs
of the daughter, drops his pants (cycle pants ?) and has his way
with her....the farmer appears to go red, but says nothing.
Quite determined, the cyclist turns and takes the younger daughter....
still no effect....so he takes to the farmer's wife. This makes the
farmer stop eating for a second, but a glance at the dishes causes him
to return to his meal.
At that instant, a thunder clap sounded, and immediately the cyclist
remembered his precious expensive bike, and his plight to find something
to waterproof it...grabbing a pen, he writes "Have you got any
vaseline ?" on his napkin, and hands it to the farmer.
The farmer jumps up and yells "Ok, I'll do the bloody dishes !!!"
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Subject: History of the United States
Swiped from: rec.humor.funny
______
J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe
copywriters. They print it every few years as a full page ad in many
major newspapers. They call the campaign "Write if you want work."
My response to the question, "Write the history of the
United States in 100 words or less":
Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration.
Colonization. Taxation. Representation? Declaration. Revolution.
Celebration. Constitutionalization. Election. Inauguration.
Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration. Migration.
Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation.
Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation.
Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination.
Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation.
Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection.
Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League
of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization.
Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration.
Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization.
Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed
Invasion. Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration.
Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra Incineration. Obfuscation.
Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion. Stagflation. Gas
Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulation. Pollution.
Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification.
Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation.
Obliteration. Glorification. Education?
copyright 1992 david hyatt -- don't rip it off if you're taking the
same test!
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: ddgarcia@allspice.Berkeley.EDU
Author: Dave Barry
Subject: Dave Barry on the Conversion to Metric:
______
Many moons ago (in metric, 14.6 megamoons) you may recall that we were
all supposed to covert to the metric system from our current system of
measurement, which is technically known as the "correct" or "real" system.
The metric conversion was supposed to result in major economic benefits
deriving from the fact that you, the consumer, would suddenly have no
idea how the hell much anything cost. Take cole slaw. Under the current
system, cole slaw is sold in easily understood units of measurement called
"container," as in "Gimme one of them containers of cole slaw if it's
fresh." In a metric supermarket, however, the deli person would say,
"How much do you want? A kilometer? A hectare? Hurry up! My break
starts in five liters!" You'd get all confused and wind up buying enough
cole slaw to fill a wading pool, and the economy would prosper.
So the metric conversion was clearly a good idea, and when the government
started putting up metric highway signs (SPEED LIMIT 173 CENTIPEDES)
Americans warmly responded by shooting them down. Thus the metric system
did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing
popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
__________________________Send Jokes--Have a nice day._________________________
The above collection of characters was mailed to you by Jeffrey H. Knodel.
The humor contained herin is in the public domain (unless otherwise noted),
and is yours to do with as you please. Submissions, questions, etc. should
be sent to [email protected].edu. To subscribe, send me a letter asking
to be added, and include your correct internet address in the body. [443]
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 28-JUL-1992 04:47:41.29
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 9
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected].edu (Suzanne Tatin Rupert)
Subject: Blonds of the world retaliate!
Swiped from: rec.humor
______
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
What is the difference between Government Bonds and men?
Government Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman?
When it's time to regress to childhood, the man is already there.
What did God say after He created man?
"I can do better than this."
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
If the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for
directions.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Andrew P. Rodenhiser)
Subject: Sharp Knives
Swiped from: rec.humor
______
I have a utility knife, made in Korea, with a sticker on it which,
along with the company name and patent number, bears a large warning
message:
CAUTION: BLADE EXTREMELY SHARP
KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN
The newer models have this corrected.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: <unknown>
Subject: Kemosabi
Swiped from: rec.humor
Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. ([email protected])
______
A man walks into a bank with the intention of getting a loan. He walks up to a
person behind a desk and says, "I'm in need of a loan and would like to talk to
someone in charge."
"I'm sorry sir, but the loan arranger is not in right now."
"That's alright," said the man, "then I'll a-talk to Tonto."
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (lawrence finkel cis stnt)
Subject: Which Body part for Boss ?
Swiped from: rec.humor
______
Once upon a time,
the various parts of the body were trying to decide which one should be
in charge.
The brain spoke first and said "I should be boss, as I controll the
activities of all the other parts"
The heart then spoke and said " No , I should be boss as I pump the blood
and even the brain would fail without me"
The stomach related how it feed the other parts and thought it should be
the boss.
Just then the anus said " Hey I want to be the boss."
Well all of the other parts of the body began laughing uncontrollably.
"Never in a million years" they all replied in unison.
"Well just for that I'm going to stop working" said the anus, and promptly
shut down operations.
After a few days the brain was fuzzy, the heart was beating rapoidly and the
stomach was feeling just terrible. "OK OK you win " they said, "Just start
working again, Please.."
With that the anus became in charge of the entire body.
The moral of the story is:
You don't have to be a brain to be the boss, Just an asshole.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Subject: sexist joke
Swiped from: rec.humor
______
God created ADAM and informed him that he had given him a brain
and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things.
The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The
problem was that He (God) had only given ADAM enough of a blood supply
so that he could only use one of them at a time........
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Anand M Chakravarty)
Subject: Notty Limerix
Swiped from: rec.humor,alt.sex
______
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes on the doorway.
She said to her beau :
"Just look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Available Again)
Subject: The old lady
______
It's mid afternoon and a spry old gent walks into a restaurant occupied
mainly by elderly ladies having their afternoon tea. He proudly marches
up to one of the tables where 4 women a are seated and introduces
himself.
Then he says, "I'll bet you can't guess how old I am!". The women guess
64. "Nope, he beams proudly, I'm 78." THey marvel about how good he
looks for his age. Excited, he moves to another table where 3 ladies
are seated enjoying their tea. "Hello, ladies, you're looking lovely
today. I'll bet you can't guess how old I am!". They look him over and
guess 65. Again he proudly tells them his true age is 78, and again
they are astounded at how much younger he appears. Next he approaches
a VERY old little lady sitting alone at a corner table. "I'll bet you
can't guess how old I am", he boasts. She replies, "Unzip your pants
and let me feel your balls." He is horrified and says, "I can't do
that here." She says, "do you want me to guess your age or not? Besides
nobody is looking in this corner of the room." So he unzips his pants,
she moves her hand in and begins to grope. She removes her hand and
stops to think for a moment. Then she puts her hands in again and
fondles him some more. When she is done she looks up at him and says,
"You're 78 ." Now HE is amazed and exclaims "HOW COULD YOU KNOW
THAT????" She smiled sweetly and replied, "I heard you tell those
people at the other table."
__________________________Send Jokes--Have a nice day._________________________
The above collection of characters was mailed to you by Jeffrey H. Knodel.
The humor contained herin is in the public domain (unless otherwise noted),
and is yours to do with as you please. Submissions, questions, etc. should
be sent to [email protected].edu. To subscribe, send me a letter asking
to be added, and include your correct internet address in the body. [470]
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 29-JUL-1992 04:45:09.56
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Netwit Volume 2, Number 10
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Allen R Sparks)
Subject: Wishful Thinking
Swiped from: rec.humor.funny
______
I heard this on the Tonight Show with Johny Carson sometime last week.
It was told by Orson Beam, who BTW, collaberated with Mel Brooks in
creating the old TV show "Get Smart".
Three men, one American, one British, and one Iraqi see a bottle. One
of them picks it up and rubs it. A genie pops out and grants them all
one wish apiece.
The American said, "I want a million bucks a week, tax free."
The genie granted the wish
The Brit said, "I want to be a member of the peerage."
The genie made him a Lord.
The Iraqi said, "My neighbor has a goat. I want it KILLED."
___________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected].edu (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Suspicious network connections
Swiped from: rec.humor.funny
______
At a recent intrusion detection workshop, some of the attendees were
lamenting that there was insufficient baseline data to calibrate
some of the systems.
Discussion ensued, and over the next few days, a few of us came up
with (and ranked) the following, with the working title of "The
Grance-Letterman Data Set of the 15 Most Suspicious Network
Connections."
Without further ado:
15 cut & fork from [email protected]
14 chown -R nobody * from [email protected]
13 rcp from scud.baghdad.iq
12 talk from sununu@carphone.beltway.gov
11 ftp from kremvax.mosc.fsu
10 rsh bash from [email protected]
9 pop from [email protected]
8 rsh make bed from [email protected]
7 auditd -start from [email protected]
6 rlogin GAMES from [email protected]
5 rsh kill -9 1 from [email protected]
4 usenet postings from Gennifer to alt.sex and talk.rumors
3 ping from [email protected]
2 finger from [email protected]
1 uptime from [email protected]
Other suspicious entries, added to the list after the ranking:
touch from C.Thomas@l_d_silver.doj.gov
mount from magic@groupie.bball.org
sleep from [email protected]
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Julia Wilkinson)
Subject: A damn good joke
Swiped from: rec.humor
______
Did I tell you I joined a new organization?
It's called "DAM".... "Mothers Against Dyslexia."
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: <unknown>
Subject: Service Interaction
Liberated from Henry_Cate_III's 'Life'. ([email protected])
______
This was in a letter from a friend of mine who works at XXXX. I thought it
would be a good example of what feature interaction can actually do. . .
A particularly insidious kind of sales call now appearing in several cities is
one which is initiated by computer, and contains recorded questions by some
mellifluous voice that requires answers in simple digits or "yes" and "no". A
voice recognition circuit then processes your answers and asks further
questions based on your former answers. The sales pitch is usually disguised
as a survey of some kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they
won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again.
One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her
answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it
consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest
idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless
loop, as follows:
[PHONE] *RING*
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message. BEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone survey
when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I
will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. First, what
is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was
a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is
that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
BEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]
[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."
[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."
[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]
My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half
an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she
discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000
years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called
again.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Author: From a 1991 David Letterman:
Subject: Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top ten rejected Movie Lines
Swiped from: rec.humor
______
From a 1991 David Letterman:
(read by Arnie himself...)
Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top ten rejected Movie Lines
----------------------------------------------------
10. My what a lovely lace doily!
9. Oww! A papercut!
8. Man-oh-man do I love fudge!
(Arnie didn't say "do")
7. When I think about you, I touch myself.
6. Do you have any of those "ouch-less" Band-Aids?
5. Can you please open this jar of olives for me?
4. Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard!
3. Can you just let me keep my credit cards?
2. Help me, Letterman, help me!
"and the Number One Arnold Schwarzenegger rejected movie line is...
Who else loves show tunes?"
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected]
Subject: Jack and Mary...
Swiped from: rec.humor
______
Once there was an employer who was experiencing financial trouble. He
knew that he'd either have to lay Jack or Mary off. He thought about it for a
while and he couldn't decide. Jack had a family and both were good workers.
So he finally decided that whoever came in first the next day would keep their
job.
The next morning Mary walks in first. So her boss says to her, "Mary,
I either have to lay you or Jack off."
Mary replies, "Jack off then, I have a headache."
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Anand M Chakravarty)
Subject: Notty Limerix
Swiped from: rec.humor,alt.sex
______
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm wrong,
You expect this last line to be lewd.
______________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by: [email protected] (Available Again)
Subject: [Reminds me of someone I used to date. -jk]
______
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on.
__________________________Send Jokes--Have a nice day._________________________
The above collection of characters was mailed to you by Jeffrey H. Knodel.
The humor contained herin is in the public domain (unless otherwise noted),
and is yours to do with as you please. Submissions, questions, etc. should
be sent to [email protected].edu. To subscribe, send me a letter asking
to be added, and include your correct internet address in the body.
|
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