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Mike's Madness #14: Scumbag Computer Store
Mike's Madness #14
*Ring* *Ring* . . . *Ring* *Ring* . . . *Rin..
[=Click=]
"Hello, Scumbag Computer Center. Can I help you?"
"Yes, I would like to complain about the mouse what I just purchased
from your store."
"Oh, you mean the Scumbag Surpise?"
"It certainly was that, alright!"
"What's wrong with it?"
"When I got it home, I opened the box and therein discovered that not
only was the promised mouse not included, but in its place was a large rat."
"Was it dead?"
"The truth lies in quite the opposite direction."
"Whew! For a minute there, I thought we'd sold you a dead rat!"
"Look mate, I don't give a bleedin' damn about the status of its
metabolic processes. You sold me a bloody rat!"
"Well sir, rats are much better than mice! Much larger, you know . . ."
"I shall not debate the truth of that statement -- it was much larger
than a mouse. To the tune of roughly 10 stone . . ."
"Ahh! You got a good one."
"A good 'un A good 'un? What's so bloody good abou' a 10 stone rat?"
"Well, for starters, it's much easier to keep track of . . ."
"'oo the 'ell wants to keep track of a 10 stone rat?! I should say that
I would sleep better at night not knowing of the existence of such a
creature!"
"Can't blame us for that, sir."
"The bloody 'ell I can't! I'm not a bleedin' Magistrate, but I'm quite
sure there's laws prohibiting the selling of vermin as computer peripherals
within the U.K., or for that matter in Europe, Japan, Asia, Austrailia (tho'
it's doubtful), or any other place built above the ocean. Furthermore, it
is my heartfelt opinion that on as yet undiscovered planets, such laws as to
prohibit the wanton sale of carnivorous mammals willfully disguised by
certain corrupt members of the computer trade as anything but "1 LARGE,
VICIOUS AND POSSIBLY RABID RAT. WEIGHT: 10 STONE." have been enforced
(preferably with death; torture and death; beheading and death; a quick knee
to the groin, a dagger up the strap and death; death death torture and
death; 'avin' a live tiger jammed up your ass with a stick and death; or
death 'avin' to watch 20 hours of WWF Wrestling, death death death,
excruciating torture for 20 hours, death death, more torture, topped off
with death!) for the last 20 millenniums."
"Sir! Our rats aren't just any vermin! Each rat is caught by Buddy
(when 'e's not undergoin' electro-shock) and personally examined by our very
own Rat Quality Control Inspector! These are the finest rats the U.K. 'as to
offer!"
"If that's so, why was the furry little bastard foamin' at the mouth?"
"Rats like to foam, sir! It's a display of affection . . ."
". . . And it bit me wife on the left butt-ock!"
". . . She must have scared it, sir!"
"'ow the 'ell do you go about scarin' a 10 stone rat?"
"Perhaps it saw a wombat!"
"A . . . wombat...?"
"Yes sir! 10 stone rats are deathly afraid of wombats!"
"Indeed . . ."
"Yes sir!"
"And from which source did you glean that mostly un-true bit of
rodential lore?"
"From 'Patching's Book of things a 10 Stone Rat 'as to be Deathly
Afraid of', sir."
"Uh-huh . . ."
"As used by the Queen!"
"And which Queen would this be? Perhaps Queen Bigtits of Zambia? Or
even Queen Makingsillynoises of Nigeria? Because I know for a fact that the
only thing HRM 'as used the aforementioned text for is State's Exhibit 1 in
the fraud case last involving those selling vicious mammals as things which
they are not!"
"My honor is deeply offended sir . . ."
"I don't give a fuck about your honor! I just paid 210 pounds for a rat
that weighs almost the same!"
"Well sir, what do want me to do about it?"
"I wish to place an order for 20 more . . ."
"And would you like our 'Scumbag Computer' software with those?"
"What's that then?"
"It's a link, sir."
"No no no, the catalog!"
SCUMBAG COMPUTER'S SUMMER 1989 SOFTWARE CATALOG
(as used by the Queen)
"That's Queen Bigtits again, i'nt it?!?!"
"SHHHHHH!"
Vatican Software
(as used by the Pope!)
"And which Pope might that be?!"
"Sir, please!: You're interrupting the sketch . . ."
THE CRUCIFICTION: (12 pound 8)
What a great way to learn about the last moments of our 'oly Father.
Move our crucified father across the bottom of the screen and hit the "Wrath
of God" button and Christ's halo shoots straight up and knocks out such
baddies as Hindus and Abortionists outta the sky and sends 'em straight
to Hell for eternity.
No rats included.
SIN TAX: (3 bob)
The latest in our Confessionware series designed to help priests decide
which pennance goes with which transgression.
Example:
Sinner: "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been a minute anna
'alf since me last confession."
Priest: "I'm ready to hear you, my son."
Sinner: "Since I last confessed, I stuck me hand so far up a fox's ass I
felt 'is tonsils . . ."
Priest: (quite interested): "Really?"
Sinner: "Yes sir."
Priest: "Uh, you wouldn't happen to have any pictures, would you? Or maybe
some video? Perhaps a explicitly detailed written account? Or maybe
you could show me this fox . . ."
DEAR SIRS!!!!
I've been a priest for the last 1,200 years and I have never read
filth such as this! Well, actually I have. Many times. And the whole
lot can be yours for just 12 bob. That's right, just 12 bob will bring
you a collection of the finest smut available in the U.K.! This
assortment of raunch is guaranteed to get a rise out of even the most
conservative M.P.! Blimey! BLIMEY! This veritable Encyclopedia
Britantica of filth simply oozes with perversion! Ah it's ROIT
repugnant! Just listen to some of my satisfied customers:
"Better than 'Naughty Girl's Commune'!"
-- Mikhail Gorbachev
"I like it much more than being dead."
-- Hirohito
"We are not amused!"
-- Queen Victoria
"I am!"
-- Rob Lowe
"It's a sure bet!"
-- Pete Rose
"Oughtta be buried!"
-- Dorthea Puente
"Yes, yes -- I liked it very much . . . uh . . . errmm . . .
hmmm . . . What's a 'foreskin'?"
-- Dan Quayle, V.P. (Veritable Pinhead)
"Dan, I told you once, I told ya a million times: DO NOT talk to
the Press! How do ya think Uncle Ronnie managed to visit TWO
terms of hell on the American people?"
-- George Bush, P.
"Fawn Hall knows position 493 by heart!"
-- Oliver North
"I taught America position 5. The one that starts with 'grab heels'."
-- Richard Nixon
"I saw Penny do number 38. TWICE!"
-- Brain
"Well at least I didn't get Mrs. Snider's poodle pregnant!"
-- Penny
"I did!"
-- I. Gadget
-----------
Rin-Tin-Tin:
K-9 Copout!
-----------
Timmy: "Mom! Look what Rinty's doing to that man's leg!"
Mom: "That's not a man, it's your Aunt Helga and she likes it."
Helga: "Ya ya, dat ess goot dog, ya. How is mine Himmler today?"
Mom: "His name is Rin-Tin-Tin, not Himmler!"
Helga: "Nien! Ess Himmler!"
Timmy: "What did ya bring me from Germany, Aunt Helga?"
Helga: "I bring you an autographed copy of Mien Kampf."
Timmy: "Aww, ya brought me one of those last time!"
Helga: "'Und a JU-87 Stuka divebomber!"
Timmy: "Wow! Mom, can Rinty and I go play with my Stuka?"
Mom: "Don't fly too close to the air force base . . ."
Timmy: "I won't. C'mon Rinty!" (they run off)
Helga: "'Und for you, mine darling seester, I am bringing you a copy of
'Your Sex Organs can bring Victory to the Reich'"
Mom: "Any pictures?"
And now a note from Mike Beebe:
Due to complaints received from our readers, the remaining portion of
this Mike's Madness article will contain no references to bestiality,
Australia, Foster's Lager Beer, famous German World War II personalities,
foxes, German Shepards, rats, or World War II aircraft of German (or any
other) origin. Thank you.
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