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Mike's Madness #7: The Adolf Hitler Show
Mike's Madness #7
Do you ever think that George Bush wakes up every morning and says
"Today I'm going to do something." and then goes right back to bed? I do.
It's The Adolf Hitler Show!!!
Achtung! Velcome to the Adolf Hitler Show, where our contestants can win
prizes like a fully armed Stuka dive-bomber, the 3'rd African Panzer Corps
and annexation of the Sudetenland! Our first player tonight is from Bristol
and specializes in putting the boot to the groin! Please welcome Mr. Rommel!
[silence]
Alright Mr. Rommel, your first question tonight is:
What is the basis for Lenin's interpretation of historical dialecticism?"
No answer? Bad luck there, it is in fact a 20 page answer, which we won't
be giving you. But for your concellation prize, you get to be mowed down by a
Messerschmidt 109!
BRRRRRRAAAAAPPPPP! BRAAAAAPPPPPPP!
What a good sport he was! Now our next contestant . . . Ach! Vere did the
the next contestant go? Ahhh, ve see you hiding under the Panzer! Guards!
Bring the prisoner . . . er . . . the contestant up here, please. Ah, a
little nervous perhaps? This is Mrs. B. J. Jewbaiter from East London. Okay,
Mrs. Jewbaiter, for the lovely Fokker 102 long range bomber, what is the
capitol of the Soviet Union?
'Ere! I don't know that!
Too bad, then. It is in fact Berlin, AT LEAST IT WAS UNTIL THE FIRST
ARMY RETREATED! BASTARDS! TRAITORS! YOU VILL GO TO THE CAMPS! Heh Heh, a
little joke, yes? Mrs. Jewbaiter, your concellation prize is the entire
Blitz!!
mmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEIIIIII <---- Stuka diving
TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! <---- bomb falling
THWAP!
Oh bad luck there, it was a dud. Right! Right! Mow her down with the
Messerschmit! BRRRRRRAAAAPPP! BRRRRRRAPPPPPP!
Vell, that's all for the Adolf Hitler Show tonight, but join us next week
when our contestants will be the entire population of Yugoslavia. They will
be playing the "Beat the SS" round where they'll be bound like cattle and
mowed down by Germany's finest!
Ring! Ring!
Hello, BBC-1.
I would like the complain on the strongest possible terms about that
last show what featured a German war criminal. Why can't we see more programs
about transvestites? I've been in the Royal Army for 900 years and only
occasionally have I seen my superiors dressed in women's clothing!
Yours truly,
Major R.R.R. Ploesti (ret.)
And now . . .
Dear Sirs!
I wish to complain about the aforementioned bit what featured Der Fuher
as a game show host. I knew Hitler throughout the war and he only
occasionally hosted Jeopardy. When will this end?
Zieg Hiel!
Mr. I.M.A. Looney (deceased)
P.S. I have been totally insane my whole life, but I still know the
difference between a stoat and a Stuka!
And Now . . .
JEOPARDY!
Uh, yes Adolf -- I'll take "Famous German Warplanes" for 500.
Ach! This famous warplane is currently screaming down over our contestants
carrying a 500 pound magnesium incendiary bomb. Name it for $500 or go to
the camps!
Yes, it it a Stuka?
Jumpin' Goerbles, you are right!
mmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!
Dear Sirs!
I have been having sex since 1290 and I have learned that sex and humor
don't mix!
Ron the Bastard
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane . . .
MMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! BOOOOOOOM!!!
*moan*, *whimper*, *bleed*
(Yup, it was a plane, alright. Bloody Stukas.)
SUPER STUKA!
YES! It's Super Stuka! Fighting for truth, justice and the German way.
See Super Stuka as it bombs Poland . . .
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM!
Yugoslavia . . .
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM!
Russia . . .
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM!
England . . .
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BOOOOOOOOOOM!
Super Stuka! Coming soon on NBC (Nazi Broadcast Company).
Followed by Rex, the Wonder Dog. Rex was just an ordinary German shepherd
until a beerhall putsch and several months in prison transformed him into
Rex, the Wonder Dog. We talked to Rex's trainer, Rudolf Hess.
Interviewer: You are Rudolf Hess?
Hess: NIEN! NIEN! I am not Rudolf Hess!
I: It says right here you are. Right on this 'ere card!
H: It's a dirty Ally lie!
I: You ARE Rudolf Hess . . .
H: I am not Rudolf Hess, I am not!
I: Then what's that swastika doin' on your shoulder then?
H: Is not swastika! Is ancient Chinese symbol that means peace and love AND
WE'LL CRUSH THE ENTIRE SOVIET UNION! GRIND THEM INTO DUST! KILL THEM ALL!
ARRRRGGGGGGHH!
I: You're a looney.
H: Uh, ..... Look, I thought we were talking about Rex, the Wonder Dog.
I: Yes. What DOES make him such a wonder?
H: Well, he can sit up, beg, roll over . . .
I: What's so bleedin' impressive about that?
H: While he's having a Stuka shoved up his ass.
I: (Pause) My, that IS impressive.
H: Told ya so.
I: So tell me, Mr. Hess, where did Rex learn this . . . uh . . . talent of
his?
H: Durin' the Invasion of Poland. He was stretchin' one day when this Stuka
comes blazing outta the sky and plows right up his . . .
I: (quickly) Uh yes, Mr. Hess. I would imagine that that particular "talent"
would be hard to work into the TV show.
H: Blimey! You don't know the 'alf of it! Not only has there been an acute
shortage of Stukas since the war, but findin' a pilot that can aim 2 tons
of plane hurling down outta the sky at 500 mph at a spot no bigger than
a silver dollar is bleedin' impossible.
I: Have you had a problem with sponsors?
H: No, No! We have the people from K-Y jelly in line as well as the very nice
folks from Tucks.
I: I see . . .
H: (enthusiasticlly) Oh yes! They were gonna tie in the ad with the show.
Somethin' like: "'ave you 'ad a blazing Stuka shoved up your arse? Why not
try Tucks to ease the pain and itchin'?" and then they were gonna show the
dog using them.
I: Mr. Hess, you are certainly to most revolting person I ever had to
interview.
H: Blimey, you haven't talked to the dog yet!
Dear Sirs!
I was a Stuka pilot throughout World War 2 and only on occasion did
I plow my aircraft into a dog's rectal areas!
Up yours, you bastards!
Lt. Gen. A.B. Middlestone
Eastend, London.
Dear Sirs!
I wish to complain, on the strongest possible grounds, about that last
letter what was signed by a Lt. General. It is a well known fact that no
person of rank higher than Sergeant ever flew a Stuka during the war.
Yours sincerly,
Rex, the Wonder Dog.
(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc.
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