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A parody of Microsoft's business practices in a ST
While on the subject of Microsoft jokes...
"Star Trek Lost Episodes transcript"
<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, Have you had any success with your attempts at finding a
weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command
pathways?"
<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-Century technology."
<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>
<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
<Data turns to answer> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some
reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their
root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable
rate."
<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
< Data > "Yes, Captain, But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly
enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none
will be available for their normal operational functions."
<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
shape' idea."
< Data > Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span
of 6 more hours."
<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
<Picard> "Identify."
< Data > "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft Logo'."
<Over the Speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.
SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."
< Data > "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humaniod shaped objects."
<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."
<Riker> "Good God captain! Those are humans floating toward the Borg ship with
no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space!?"
< Data > "I don't believe that these are humans sir. If you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first
century man as doe skin leather briefcases and wearing Armani suits."
<Riker and Picard together, horrified> "Lawyers!!"
<Geordi> "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into
the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening"
< Data > "True, but apparently some must have survived."
<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types
of papers."
< Data > "I believe that is know in the ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It
often proves fatal."
<Riker> They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
<Picard> "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch. Not even the Borg
deserve that."
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