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Lots and lots of jokes, ranging from blond jokes t
Dr. Ruth's New Book
Dr. Ruth's New Book, Sex for Dummies, is now in the bookstores and
will soon be in the top ten. I ran to the store to get my copy and
was reading the topics as fast as I could. One Chapter was on
communication and that the woman should tell her lover when she had
the BIG "O". So, I asked my wife why she never told me when she had
an orgasm. She told me as she walked through the kitchen, "She would,
but I was never around when she had one!!!!!!"
Mistress, Hooker and Wife
What's the difference between a mistress, a hooker, and a wife?
Mistress says: "Are you done already?"
Hooker says: "Aren't you done yet?"
Wife says: "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.."
Response: Well, there's your problem: she's facing the ceiling.
Two Swagmen
Two old swagmen were arguing about who had the better dog.
"Well," said one, "My dog is the best. He wakes up every morning at
sunrise, collects some firewood, picks up my billy, goes to the
creek, fills the billy, comes back, lights a fire, makes me some
tea and boils me an egg."
"That's nothing", says the other, "My dog gets up at sunrise,
collects somefirewood, starts the fire, picks up my billy, goes to
the creek, fills the billy, comes back, makes me a cup of tea,
boils me an egg and then he stands on his head.
"The other swagman starts pissing himself laughing, "Stands on
hishead?!!?!? Why on earth does he stand on his head?"
"Because I don't have an egg cup."
Three pregnant women in doctor's office (1)
Three pregnant women in a doctors waiting room, knitting away. The
first looks at her watch, "oh" she says, stops knitting and reaches
into her purse and pulls out a little black box, and out from the
little black box pulls a pill, and then swallows the pill. She
turns and smiles to the other ladies and says "Iron, good for
mother (pointing at her chest) good for baby" (then rubs her
stomach). The other ladies smile and all continueknitting.
15 minutes later, the second woman looks at her watch, "oh" she
says, stops knitting and reaches into her purse and pulls out a
little black box, and out from the little black box pulls a pill,
and then swallows the pill. She turns and smiles to the other
ladies and says "Calcium, good for mother (pointing at her chest)
good for baby" (then rubs her stomach). The other ladies smile and
all continue knitting.
15 minutes later, the third woman looks at her watch, "oh" she
says, stops knitting and reaches into her purse and pulls out a
little black box, and out from the little black box pulls a pill
and then swallows the pill. She then continues to knit. The other
two are curious and ask her what the pill was.
"Thalidomide, I can't knit sleeves."
Three Pregnant Women at Doctors Office (2)
There are these three women who go to see a doctor because they
think they are pregnant. "Yep", the doctor says, "you're pregnant
alright".
The first woman says, "Will I have a boy or a girl"? The doctor
replies, "Well who was on top"? She says, "He was". "That's easy",
the doctor says, "You're going to have a boy".
The second woman asks, "What am I gonna have"? The doctor again
asks, "Who was on top"? She answers,"I was". "Then you will have a
girl", the doctor tells her.
Just then the third woman bursts into tears. The doctor asks, "Why
are you crying"? The woman replies, "I'm gonna have puppies".
The blood donor
A guy walks into a doctor's office and there's a lady sitting
there. He sits down next to her. "Are you here to give blood?",
the lady asks him. "Uh, no", he says. Well, I am. I come here
every 2 or 3 weeks because I can get 20 dollars a visit, and I can
use the money, you know..... So, you're not here to give blood?"
The guy is starting to get a little tired of this, so he says "No,
I'm not". She says, "Well, I am. I come in as often as I can,
because they give me 20 bucks each visit, and your body makes more
so it's a pretty good deal....So...why ARE you here?"
The guy is getting frustrated but he says in a quiet voice, "I'm
here to give a sperm sample." The lady says, "REALLY?" "Yes," he
replies. "Basically, I can come in here every day and I get 60
bucks each visit, so I donate whenever I have time." "Well." She
says, a little jealous.
The next day, the guy goes into the doctor's office, and the lady
is sitting there again. He asks, "Are you here to give blood
again?" She looks up (here you've got to puff your cheeks) and says
"Mmm-mmm-mmmm-mmmm".
$2,000 cash in the bar
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a
big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details."
Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks
the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
"You have to do three things and it's all yours," the bartender
says.
"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and
practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar
$2,000 richer. "What are the three things?"
"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that
220-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've got a
mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled.
Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives
upstairs."
"No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says,
"Hey pal, your shoelace is untied." When the bouncer looks down at
his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The
bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room--it
sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy. After a few minutes the man
emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing
heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth
pulled?"
Bhuddist Monk
Buddhist monk walks into a Coney Island. Says to the cook, "Make me
one with everything".
Up at lovers' leap
A guy takes his girlfriend up to Inspiration Point for a naughty
interlude. They park the car, get all their gear off and get in
the back and start going for it. They shook the car so much that
the handbrake came off and the rolled of the edge and crashed down
into the gully.
"Are you all right?" asked the girlfriend. "No, I'm trapped you'll
have to get some help." he said. "Pass me my clothes, I cant go
naked!" she said, very distressed. "I can't reach them," he
groaned "but here, I can just reach my shoe. Put that over your
cu** and hurry up and get some help."
So she grabbed the shoe, put it over her cu** and clambered up to
the road. Soon after a truck came down the road and holding the
shoe in one hand she frantically waved the other to stop the truck.
The truck driver jumped from the cab of his truck. "Whats ya
problem lady?"
"Oh quick mister, You've got to help me...its terrible...its
horrible...my boyfriend is stuck...you've gotta help me!!"
The truck driver looked down at the shoe over her cu** and said
"Lady if he's stuck that far in I'm buggered if I now how to get
him out."
Sex with the teacher
This little boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day
was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today". "Oh my god!
you get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says
the mom.
Awhile later the father comes home and his wife says, "Go up to
your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." Dad
goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad.
"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Allright! that's my boy!", says dad. "ya know son, women just
don't think like men. but i'm proud of you. What are you now, about
ten, right? wow, that's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you
I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been
wanting"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest
bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" , asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
Mother's sponge
A young girl sees her mother in the shower, and notices that her
mother has hair between her legs. "Mommy what's that?" The mother
is taken by suprise and says "well a ......thats my sponge".
Satisfied the girl leaves. That summer the mothers shaves herself
so that she can wear a skimpy swim suit. The daughter sees her
again and asks where the sponge went. The mother says " oh I must
have lost it".
A week later the daughter comes running in to her mother very
excited" Mom mom I found your sponge!" The mother had to think for
a moment and then remembered the shower incident" Oh where did you
find it?" The daughter replied " the lady next door has it and she
is washing daddys face with it!"
Women can compete
A man went to his psychiatrist because his wife always made him
feel so inadequate. His psychiatrist suggested he challenge his
wife to a contest over who could pee the furthest.
That night he took his wife out in the back yard, buck naked and
made his challenge. She bent over at the waist, touched her toes
and said,
"OK, but no using your hands."
Clinton, Packwood and Ginrich
For reasons unknown Clinton, Packwood and Ginrich happened to be on
the same chartered flight crossing Kansas when tornadoes and
emergency weather conditions forced their plane down. As they
disembarked they realized that the plane was parked beside the
Emerald City in the Land of Oz. As Clinton stepped out he was
heard to say "a brain, that's what I'll ask for , a brain so I can
think". Gingrich as he got off the plane exclaimed, "a heart, I
can finally have a heart". Packwood for his part was heard to say
as he got off the plane, "Dorothy, where can I find Dorothy".
Meconium
Dr. Howard Smith told me of a delivery he did in Kentucky that was
quite difficult. The lady gave birth to a spanking young lad who
had a low APGAR initially but pinked up and did well. He came back
a week later for a postpartum visit and asked what the name of the
baby was. "Meconium" they answered. "Why in the world is he
called Meconium?" queried Smith. "You tell us," they answered in
unison, "you named him." "What do you mean I named him?" Smith
asked. "Well, we both heard you say 'Oh, Oh here comes meconium'".
Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse
1. Pays better than McDonalds though the hours aren't as good.
2. Fashionable shoes and classy uniforms. Many however have voiced
their objections to no longer being able to sport their fancy
headgear.
3. Needles. 'Tis better to give than to receive.
4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic and exciting new disease.
6. Experience new and interesting aromas.
7. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders
in perfectly ledgible handwriting.
8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9. Celebrate holidays with all of your friends....at work.
10. Take comfort that almost all of your patients will survive no
matter what you do to them.
Bird Dog named Nurse
A man had just his lost his favorite birddog, and was wanting to go
hunting. He went to the local "rent-a-dog" place to see what was
available. The owner stated that all the dogs were out except for
one, untried dog , named Nurse, he had just gotten. The man said
he would try her our.
In a couple of hours the man was back, just exuding all sorts of
praise about Nurse. He said she was the best dog he had ever used.
He asked the owner how much it would take to buy her. The owner
replied, "$300." The man said he didn't have that much money, but
he would think about it.
A week later he went back, rented Nurse again, bagged his limit in
record time, and came back in. He again asked about buying Nurse,
but the amount was still the same.
The man went home, scrimped and saved, and got enough to purchase
Nurse. He went back to the rent-a-dog place to buy her. The owner
said, "You can buy her, but the price has changed. It's only $25
now." The man asked why it had dropped so drastically. The owner
said, "A couple of days ago some people took her out, and one of
the people made the mistake of calling her Doctor. Now, all she
does is sit around and whine."
Soldier with wounded foot
Soldier with a wounded foot limps into the field hospital. Doc
looks at his foot, then goes to a cabinet and gets out the biggest
pill the soldier has ever seen. Just as the Doc gets the pill
out, the a flood of wounded soldiers arrives from the front, and
the Doc leaves on the run for surgery. The soldier looks at the
pill for a while, then goes to a sink, and after a few tries,
manages to choke the pill down. Later, crisis averted, the Doc
comes back to finish helping the soldier with a cheery "Where's
that pill? I want to soak your foot".
Another answering machine message.
"Hi, you have just reached the world's greatest psychic. I know
who you are and what you want, so don't bother to leave a message."
Wife with small breasts
A husband and wife were relaxing one evening, and the wife
mentioned that her breasts were too small. " Honey, I think I
would like to have my breasts augmented. They just aren't enough."
The husband replied ," Dear, that's a very expensive operation. Why
don't you just wipe some toilet paper on your nipples?" The wife
wondered , "What's that going to do for me?" The husband said,"
Well it sure worked on your ass!"
Top ten OJ endorsement opportunities now that he is free
10. Q-Lube: Ac uitted!
9. Red Carpet Inn
8. Hertz: Now featuring Broncos
7. American Airlines: When you need to get away from it all
6. Minute Maid: The guilt-free OJ
5. Ginsu knives
4. Domino's Pizza: 30 minutes or less
3. Mezzaluna: We deliver
2. McDonald's: Try the Kato burger
1. Isotoner Gloves
More OJ jokes
I hear that O.J.s family is real happy that he got out before the
holidays. It seems that he is the only one in the family that can
carve white meat!!!!!
Q: Why does OJ want to move to Arkansas?
A: All the DNA there is identical!
Q: What would you call it if Joe Montana murdered 3 people?
A: A new NFL record!!
Did you hear about the new party game that Johnny Cochran is
promoting? It's called "Pin the glove on the honky"!
The Seeing Eye Dog
A guy walks into a bar with his German Shepherd dog and orders a
beer. The bartender says, "We can't serve you unless the dog
remains outside."
The guy says, "He's my seeing-eye dog!" So the bartender serves the
guy his beer.
Another guy walks in, and he has a chihuahua. The first guy
whispers to him, "Just say your dog is a seeing-eye dog, and they
have to serve you." The second guy says, "Thanks for the warning!"
The second guy orders a beer and the bartender tells him he can't
serve him unless the dog waits outside. The second guy says, "This
is my seeing-eye dog!" The bartender says, "That's impossible. They
don't let chihuahuas be seeing-eye dogs.
The second guy says, "They gave me a **** chihuauhua???"
McDonalds condiments
A friend of mine and I were in South Georgia this week. We stopped
by a friendly McDonald's and asked for a couple of hamburgers.
When we received them, my friend asked "Where were the
condiments?"....The young lady looked him square in the eye and
somewhat embarassed said, "Sir, you'll have to be getting those
from the drug store down the street!!!!!!!"
(True stories are funny, too)
The morning Constitutional
Three elderly gentlemen were sitting around talking. The first says
"Boy I remember the old days when I could take a normal sh*t". The
second man says, "I just wish that I could take a healthy piss
again". Then the third man speaks up, "Well I don't have any of
those problems, every morning at 6:00am I take a healthy sh*t and a
nice long piss. The only problem I have though is I can't wake up
until 6:30."
Old Newlywed
Old man on park bench crying. A concerned pedestrian enquires,
"why are you crying?" Old man: "I just celebrated my 85th
birthday, and I got married yesterday to an 18 year old nyphomaniac
blonde beauty who is all a man could ask for".
Pedestrian: "why are you crying ?"
Old man: "I don't remember where I live."
The Old Man
An older gentleman was sitting in a wheelchair. Slowly he started
to lean to the left. A nurse huredly ran over and proped the man
up by puting a pillow by his left side. A short time later the
man started to lean over to the right side and again the nurse was
right there to prop him back up by puting a pillow by his right
side.
A short time later the man started to hunch forward and again the
nurse was right there. This time she proped the man back up and
strapped him into the chair. When the man's family came to visit
the asked how he was being treated. He replied, "They treat me
very well but the only complaint that I have is that they wont let
me fart."
Maitre d'Hotel
A weary traveller arrives at four star hotel, known for its efforts
to meet any demand of it's elite clientele. The traveller calls the
maitre d' hotel: "I want you to find me four stout pieces of rope
between 3 and 4 feet long, a well used bullwhip, a blonde virgin
between 17 and 18 years of age and a Hungarian coachman between 5'
6" and 6 feet tall and of swarthy complexion, and make it snappy, I
have an important meeting at 7:00 and I want to unwind before
then."
About an hour later, the maitre d' calls the room to report: "I was
able to locate the rope and whip that you require. Finding a virgin
to meet your requirements was more difficult as not many girls here
reach that age with their virginity intact, but I have managed to
locate one of the few that did, and although her age is nineteen, I
am sure that she can meet your needs; the coachman is however,
quite beyond me. There are no Hungarians in this area, and I cannot
find anyone who could match your request ."
"Well, in that case, just send up a danish and coffee."
The Gift
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, and after careful
consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the
right note - romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his cherie's sister for advice, he went to the store
and finally settled on a pair of elegant lined gloves. The sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the gift-wrapping,
the clerk switched the two items. Without checking, he mailed off
his gift with a card that read:
Darling, I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit
of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been
for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,
but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a
delicate shade, but the lady at the counter showed me the pair she
had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly
soiled. I had her try on yours and they looked really smart. I
wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, since no
doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a
chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow
in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little
damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them in
the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
Love you
p.s. The latest style is to wear them folded down a little with
some fur showing.
The Vasectomy
After Warren had his third child he decides to have a vasectomy.
During the operation though, the doctor drops one of the testacles
on the ground, and before the nurse could scoop it back up the
doctor steps on it. After noticing his mistake, he said "Nurse go
get me an onion right now."
When she got the onion he cut a small portion of it off and he used
it in place of the testacle that got smushed. When the guy finally
came to, the doctor said the usual, "come back in 3 weeks and tell
me how you like it."
So the 3 weeks go by and the guy came back, and the doctor said,
"well how is everything going for you?"
Warren replied, "Well it's fine but I am having three problems.
Every time I pee my eyes water; everytime I cum, I get heartburn;
and everytime I drive by Burger King I get a hard-on!
Mommy and Daddy in the Bedroom
Two young boys were laying in their beds. Billy got up to use the
bathroom. As he was walking down the hall, he peered into his
parents bedroom. His eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped at what
he saw. Billy ran back to his bedroom and told his little brother
to follow him. He took Sam down the hall and pointed in his
parents bedroom. Sam's eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped.
Billy whispered, "Can you believe that's the woman who spanked you
this morning for sucking your thumb?"
Elephant's at the Zoo
Woman is walking young boy through the zoo when they pass the
elephant exhibit. One of the males is displaying a genital
protuberance {read:ERECTION}. Pointing to "it", boy says, "Mommy,
what's THAT?" Mom replies"It's nothing, nothing forget it' let's
go..." and hustles boy away.
Few weeks later, daddy's turn at the zoo with young boy, passing
the elephants, and , lo and behold, young boy spots yet another
male with a genital protuberance {ibid}. Young boy says, "Daddy,
what's THAT?" Father replies, "Hmmm, what did your mom say it was?"
"She said it was nothing."
Father mumbles, "That bitch is getting more demanding every day!"
Presidential Humour
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore all die in a plane
crash. When they all got to heaven Bill went before god and said
"God I am tired and worn out and I desperately need a place to
sit."
God replied," OK sit here on my left side," and Bill said " OK"
Al Gore then went before God and said pretty much the same thing
Bill said, but God told him to sit on his right side.
Then came Hillary, and looking around she finally said," God I need
a seat ,and I do beleive that you are sitting in it."
Pissing in the Snow
President Clinton looks out the window of the oval office one
winter morning, and sees in the newly fallen snow, yellow writing
stating "Clinton Sucks". He calls in the head of the secret
service and demands an investigation. Later that day, the head of
the secret service reports back with good news and bad news. The
good news is that the urine has been identified as belonging to
Vice-President Gore. The bad news is that the handwriting is
Hilary's.
From a collection of Ozark jokes & folktales titled "Pissing in the
Snow". I believe it was collected in the 30's, and a version of
this joke is the title story. The following is also from the
collection...
Children Screwing Behind the Church
Two children were dragged in before the minister by the Ladies
Bible League and accused of screwing while standing up behind the
church. The minister looks at the six foot tall girl, and the four
foot tall boy and immediately dismisses them both - the act of
screwing while standing is clearly impossible.
"Wait!", cry the old biddies. "He used a bucket!"
The minister orders the bucket brought in and has the boy stand on
it. He is still too short, and the minister again dismisses them
both. "Impossible!", he says.
"No, no, no!!!" say the ladies. "He didn't stand up on it! He
put it over her head, hung onto the handle and fucked her like a
woodpecker!"
Marooned on Desert Island
Two guys are on a charity benefit cruise to Hawaii. The ship goes
over in a storm and they end up shipwrecked on a deserted island.
One is a very famous jewish businessman, David Schneider. The other
one is a not-so-famous christian businessman, Chris Hudson.
Chris is frantic. Worried about survival. Scrounging for nuts and
berries.
David says "relax -- we have enough supplies to last three months."
Chris -- " they may not find us for a year."
David -- "They'll find us."
Chris -- "How can you be sure?"
David -- Because it's February 2nd.
Chris -- what? who cares?
David -- United Jewis Appeal (UJA) does fundraising in February.
Chris -- So what!? UJA is a charity in New York, for God's sakes.
We're trapped on a deserted island in the middle of
nowhere. How can that help us?!
David -- Three years ago, I gave $100,000 to UJA. Two years ago, I
gave $250,000. Last year, I gave $500,000. *Believe me*,
they will find me.
Jews in Hell
1,000 Jews died and appeared en mass (!) at the pearly gates? Well
St. Pete freaked as he didn't have room for that many newbies all
at once so he went to see God who was in his office and asked the
deity what to do. God picked up his phone and called up the devil.
"Nick", he said, "I need a favor" "Anything for you, God" replied
the horned-one, "after all we've known each other since the
beginning of time. What can I do for you?"
"Well," God replied could you take 500 jews off my hands
temporarily until we build some accommodations for them --- it
should only be for 3 months or so."
"No problem", replied old scratch, "send 'em on down."
So God sent half the Jews down (express lift, natch)
Three days go by and God gets an emergency phone call in his
office. It's the Devil himself -- "What's up, Scratchy-baby" asks
the deity.
"You gotta get these damn jews outta here and I mean right NOW!"
"But it's only been 3 days -- what's the prob?"
"I know it's been only 3 days but they gotta go. ---and I mean NOW"
"Ok, OK -- calm down" says God, "but you gotta tell me what the
problem is. How much trouble can 500 measly Jews get into in 3
days and what kind of trouble would drive you nuts --- after all
for you it should be easy especially considering your normal
clientelle."
"Yeah, yeah I know" replies the Devil, "Jeffery Halmer or Hitler
they aint -- But in 3 days these guys have already raised 7 million
dollars to get this place air conditioned!"
Jewish Salesman
A Jewish salesman gets a job with a wool factory selling string.
The man decides to go to a major department store and asks the
buyer whether he'll buy some string from him. The buyer, who
happens to be a real anti-semite, figures he'll be funny, and says
to the salesman, "Sure I'll buy some string from you, but only the
length from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."
The salesman in turn replies, "Oh thank you, thank you."
The next day when the buyer comes to work he sees a full truckload
of string being delivered. He thinks to himself, "what's going on
here?" and proceeds to call the Jewish salesman.
"I told you I'd buy string from you", he tells the salesman, "but I
only wanted the length of the tip of your nose to the tip of your
penis."
"I know" responds the salesman, "And the tip of my nose is here,
while the tip of my penis is someplace in Poland."
Woman in mink coat
A woman wearing a gorgous mink coat came out of Bloomingdales and
as she started to get into her limo an anti-fur terrorist came over
to her and yelled at her ---" Hey, Rich Bitch, do you know how many
animals had to die to make that coat of yours?" -- to which she
replied: "You know how many animals I had to FU*K to get this
coat?"
Two Kids Playing With Horse S**t
Two kids were playing by the equestrian path in the park...making
shapes out of piles of horseshit. Their teacher saw them and
scolded them, "What are you doing?!"
"We're making a teacher, " one of them said.
The teacher lost it and began to scream at them. "That is SO rude.
That is SO disrespectful. I can't BELIEVE your impudence!!!...."
A policeman came up and asked the teacher, "What seems to be the
matter?" The teacher explained, and the cop said, "Calm down.
Let me handle this." The cop approached the boys, who had resumed
their happy sculpting. "OK, boys. What's going on here?"
"We're making a policeman!"
A storm began to gather on the policeman's face. As luck would
have it, a psychologist in town for a convention had been watching
the situation for some time. "Excuse me, officer. Please let me
help. I'm a professional psychologist, and I understand the
psychosocial dynamics of this situation perfectly. Let me talk to
the children."
With a friendly smile and a gentle tone, the psychologist talked to
the boys. "You look like you're having fun. What's happening
here?"
"We're playing with horseshit."
Still smiling, the psychologist pointed to his convention name tag,
which identified him as a psychologist, and asked, "Aren't you
going to tell me that you are making a psychologist?"
The kids smiled back. "Are you kidding? There's not enough
horseshit in the WHOLE WORLD to make a psychologist!"
Good Night Prayers
One night a dad tells his boy to go say his prayers then go to bed.
So the dad stops by the door of his son's room and hears him say
"God bless Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, and Grandpa in heaven." His dad
thought it was weird because the child's grand father was still
alive, but he shruged it off.
The next day, dad gets off work and comes home to his wife sobbing.
He asks her, "whats wrong" and she replies, "My father is dead."
He thinks it about it for a while but thinks to himself its not
possible about his son's dream, so he shrugs it off. Then he hears
the same thing that night exept the boy says "grandma and grandpa
in heaven".
He shrugs it off again. When he returns from work the next day, his
wife's mother has died. He starts to get scared. However he still
thinks there is no way his son could do that. So when he tells his
son to say prayers about a week later he hears his son say, "God
bless Mommy, and God bless Grandma and Grandpa and Daddy in
heaven."
The next day the dad is a nevous wreck, he does everything possible
to be safe. When he gets home from work he tells his wife, "I've
had a horrible day at work." To which she replies, "You think
you've had a bad day? This morning the mailman dropped dead right
on our front porch."
The Pope's Chauffeur
The chauffer wasn't enthusiastic but the pope pulled rank and so
they pulled over and switched seats. As the pope starts weaving
through the streets of NY running stop lights and creating havoc he
attracts the attention of NY's finest. The eventually pull him
over. After shaking his head in astonishment the cop who went to
write the citation comes back to inform the other that he just
can't write up the ticket. "Why not?" asks the other.
"This guy's" big replies the first. "Oh, come on", replies the
second, "he can't be bigger than the Mayor." "He's bigger than the
Mayor", answers the first shaking his head incredulously. "Well,
he can't be bigger than the senator, can he?", inquires the second
cop, interest peaked. "Yup, bigger than the senator." says the
first.
"Now come on now", questions the second, "he can't be more
important than the president, can he?" "Look", answers the first,
"I don't know who he is but he's got the pope for a chauffer".
New Priest at Mass
A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the
following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not refered to as Daddy,
Junior and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as Big T
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat
me!"
12. The Virgin Mary is not refered to as the "Mary with the
Cherry."
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A Dub-Dub,
Thanks for the grub, Yeah God."
14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Bar Monkey
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The man sits
down at the bar, and the monkey jumps off of his shoulder, scampers
over to the pool table, jumps up, grabs the queue ball and swallows
it whole.
The bartender witnesses this and explodes with anger. He yells at
the man, "Your monkey just ate the queue ball! Now no one can play
pool! Get you and the your damn monkey out of my bar right now!"
The man, very embarrassed, replies "Sorry. I just bought him a few
hours ago. I didn't know he would do that.". The man gathers up the
monkey and leaves the bar.
Two week later the man walks back into the bar with the same monkey
sitting on his shoulder, but this time with a leash. The man sits
down at the bar and the monkey hops off his shoulder onto the bar.
The monkey wanders over to the peanut bowl, takes a peanut, sticks
it up his arse, pulls it back out, and eats it.
The bartender, amazed, exclaims "Hey! Did you you see that? Your
monkey just stuck a peanut up his wazoo and then ate it!"
"Yea.", the man replied. "Ever since the incident with the queue
ball, he checks everything for size before eating it."
The Italian wedding
(I understand that it is customary for the bride and groom to
consummate their vows during the reception.)
About halfway through the reception, the brides mother went to her
daughter and said, "Go upstairs and ah make ah your husband ah
happy, eh?" The bride did as she was told, and upon finding her new
husband, she took him upstairs above the celebrating crowd's
watchful eye.
He knew what was to take place, wasting no time, he took his tuxedo
jacket, dress shirt and t-shirt off. She noticed that he had a
hairy chest! Aghast, she quickly ran down stairs, found her mother
and told her "Momma, he's got ah hairy chest!" Her mother, in
hopes to calm her down, said "Go upstairs and ah make ah your
husband ah happy."
She went back upstairs. He then took off his pants and she noticed
that his legs were hairy too! She was quite old fashioned and
didn't know what to think, so she ran downstairs yet again to find
her mother. She found her, pulled her aside and said, "Momma,
Momma Mia - he's got ah hairy legs too, what am I ah going to do,
eh?" Her mother trying to soothe her again, said "Now go upstairs
child and make ah your husband ah happy, eh? Now go upstairs
child!"
She went back to the room, when she entered, he took his shoes off,
then his socks. When she looked down, she noticed that one of his
feet was half gone! She ran downstairs, frightened and found Momma
once again - "Momma, he's got ah foot and ah half!" But this time,
the mother thought and said "Child, you stay downstairs
and ah let your Momma go upstairs and ah make ah your husband ah
happy!"
Novice Monk up a cliff
There is a very high craggy cliff and access is by a basket hauled
up over 6,000 feet. A new monk is initiated and sent up the
mountain and placed into the catacombs number one cell. He is told
that his only contact with the world is every six years, and that
he is only allowed to speak two words.
After six years, the head monk asks the new novice what his two
words are. "More food". So, the head monk says "Easily fixed, I'll
leave you a couple of extra loaves of solid bread for you to munch
on."
Another six years passes, and the head monk asks for comments once
again. "I'm cold", says the novice. "Easily fixed," says the head
monk, "I'll leave you another blanket".
Another six years passes, and the head monk asks the novice once
again for his chance at speech. "I QUIT!!" To which the head monk
responds, "Well, good riddance, all you have done since you got
here is complain!"
The Obsession
A man sets an appointment with his Rabbi and shows up looking a
little pale. "What's troubling you, my son?" asks the Rabbi.
"See, Rabbi," he says "Ever since I started to work at the kosher
salami factory, and I have this obsession I can't seem to shake..."
"And what's that?"
"I just have to stick my prick into the sausage cutter..."
"What???" shouts the Rabbi, "That's absolutely crazy! I've never
heard such nonsense in my life!"
"I know, but I tried everything, I did psychoanalysis, I've taken
pills, but nothing seems to work. I won't rest until I stick my
prick into the sausage cutter..."
"I want to hear no more of it!" exclaims the Rabbi angrily, "Take a
vacation, get a new job, move from town, but don't even think about
such nonsense again, you hear?"
The young man leaves, head down. A week goes by and the Rabbi spots
him in the street. "So, young man, you look a lot better", the
Rabbi says approaching him.
"Thank you, Rabbi, I do feel better... but I did it."
"You what???" shouts the Rabbi open-eyed. "You did it?"
"Yes. I sticked my dick into the sausage cutter..."
"Dear God!!! And what happened?"
"Well," replied the young man. "we both got fired. Her and me".
Nuns on Weekend Off
Four nun's go to the head priest and ask if they can have the
weekend off. The priest is very resistant, but finally agrees
under the condition that they come back and tell him what they did.
The four nuns agreed.
On Monday, the four nuns sit before the priest and he says to the
first one. "Sister, what did you do on your "free" weekend."
Sister #1 blushes and says "Bless me father for I have sinned...I
drank a case of beer and passed out!" The Father smiles and says
"Sister, The Lord forgives you, as penance, say 10 Hail Mary's and
drink the Holy Water. At this Sister #4 cracks a big smile.
The priest gives her the eye and turns to Sister #2 as she says,
"Bless me Father for I have sinned...I went to a wild party and
smoked pot!" The Father's eyes widen a bit, he looks up at the
ceiling and pauses a moment. Finally he says "Sister, The Lord
forgives you. As penance say 20 Hail Mary's and drink the Holy
Water. At this Sister #4 gigles and puts her hand over her mouth
trying to contain herself.
The priest gives her a dirty look and turns to Sister #3 as she
says, "Bless me Father for I have sinned....I also went to a wild
party, only, I...I...took off my clothes and ran around a park
naked!" The Father can not believe his ears, shocked, he looks up
to the ceiling, closes his eyes and five minutes later, looks back
at her and says "Sister, The Lord forgives you, say 30 Hail Mary's,
2 Our Father's and drink the Holy Water. At this Sister #4 falls
off her chair laughing!
The priest turns to her and says loudly, "SISTER! What in the
world did you do that is so funny!?" Sister #4 turns and says,
"Bless me Father...I peed in the Holy Water!
The $1.98 whore
A man rushes into a whorehouse and runs up to the madam and say
"Mam, I really need a woman but I only have $1.98". The madam
thinks for a few moments and replies, "Your in luck, we just happen
to have a special going on right now". She takes his money and
instructs him to go down to the last door on the left at the end of
the hallway.
He runs down to the door and burst into the room and there lying on
the bed is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Well,
without a moment to lose he strips off his clothes and jumps upon
her and starts doing his thing. With him being so horny it doesn't
take him long to finish but shortly after he does, white stuff
starts coming out of her mouth, eyes, ears and all over.
Frightened he jumps up and rushes out to find the madam. He finds
here and then starts to explain "Ma'am, there's something wrong
with that girl. I went and finished my business and all of a
sudden all this white crap starts gushing out of her. The madam
hushes him telling him everything is all right then looks back over
her should and yells to the back "HARRY, The dead ones full again."
Adultery
Three friends are talking in a bar. The first says: "You know, I
think my wife is cheating on me with some Italian guy."
"How come?," ask the other two.
"Well, I found leftovers of pizza and chianti, and my wife and I
don't like either."
"Well," said the second one, "I believe my wife is cheating on me
with an Englishman." He goes on to explain, "Lately I have been
finding bits of pipe tobacco and scotch whisky, which neither my
wife nor I like."
"In that case," says the third one, "I must confess I suspect my
wife is cheating on me with a horse..."
"What???" say the other two.
"Yeah, last night I found a jockey under my bed..."
Eskimo's snowmobile
An eskimo's snowmobile breaks down and he takes it to the mechanic.
The mechanic bends down, looks at the snowmobile, then at the eskimo
and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The eskimo replies, "Nah, its just frost on my moustache."
Interior decorating gynecologist
By the way, did anybody hear about the gynaecologist who quit his
job and went into interior decorating? It was amazing, he could
wallpaper the whole house through the keyhole...
They have created a new chocolate flavoured contraceptive.
It's called 'Ovumteen'
Carpenter's finger
A carpenter called home to his wife to let her know he cut off his
finger
She asked "The whole finger"
He replied, "No, the one next to it"
BB's in the stew
Little Johnny's Mom was cooking dinner one night when she
accidently spilled Johnny's box of BBs in the stew she was making.
Well, she was the only one in the kitchen, so she figured, she's
the only one who has to know. She served dinner and everyone
thought it was great.
After dinner she was cleaning up when her oldest daughter ran in
crying. "What's the matter?", Johnny's mother asked. "I was in
the bathroom and I pee'd a BB.", replied her daughter. Johnny's
mother comforted her daughter and said, "Don't worry, I spilled
some in the dinner tonight. You'll be alright."
Just as soon as her oldest left, her other daughter ran in crying
that SHE had pee'd a BB. Again, Johnny's mom comforted her
daughter and told her not to worry.
She went back to cleaning the dishes when Little Johnny came
running in. "Mom, MOM", he yelled. She turned and said, "I know,
I know, you pee'd a BB right?" Little Johnny said, "No I was
jerking off and I shot the dog!"
Forgetful (1)
The husband said, "I'm going to the kitchen for some ice cream.
Would you like some?" The wife said, "Yes, write it down so you
don't forget". The husband said "Do you want whipped cream & nuts
on that?" "Yes", said the wife, "Write it down so you don't
forget". The husband said "I WON'T FORGET".
Ten minutes later, the husband returns and hands his wife a plate
of scrambled eggs. She says, "See. I TOLD you if you didn't write
it down you'd forget the bacon!"
Forgetful (2)
Did you hear about the three ladies discussing how forgetful they
were getting. The first one said, "Why, the other day I was
getting up and forgot whether I was going to bed or getting out of
bed. The 2nd one said, "That's nothing. I was on the stairs and
thought, am I going downstairs or was I supposed to be going
upstairs". The 3rd one, who had been drumming her fingers on the
coffee table, said, "Boy, my memory isn't that bad, you all sound
pretty confused". Then she looked towards the door and said, "Did
I hear someone knocking at the door?"
Professional Arithmetic
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is
2+2?"
Housewife: "Four!
Accountant: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
Brain Transplant
A man is laying near death in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "Mr. Smith, I'm afraid you need a brain transplant"
Smith: "But Doctor, how will you be able to find a suitable donor
that can provide the right tissue match?"
Doctor: "Don't worry. Tissue match doesn't matter with brains.
As long as its the same weight as yours, it will work. Yours is
3lbs, which happens to be a very common weight, so we should have
no problem finding a donor. In fact, you can even order the type
of brain you want. For instance, you can have an accountant's
brain for $10,000, a doctor's brain for $20,000, or a lawyer's
brain for $250,000."
Smith: "I can understand why the doctor's brain is twice as much
as the accountant's brain, but why is the lawyer's brain so
expensive?"
Doctor: "Do you realize how many lawyers it takes to get 3lbs of
brains?"
The Minuet
Two old ladies are sitting around in the nursing home, when an
orderly comes in and turns the radio on to some old string quartet
music. As the sound of Mozart filters around the room, one lady in
a reverie turns to the other and says, "Millie, do you remember the
Menuet?".
Millie thinks for a minute and finally replies, "I can't even
remember the ones I shtupped...".
Prime Numbers
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were having lunch.
A madman ran into the room and shouted, "ALL ODD NUMBERS ARE
PRIME," and ran out, leaving the others to ponder his statement.
The mathematician thought to himself, "1's a prime. 3's a prime.
5's a prime. 7's a prime. But 9 is not a prime. Since we can
identify a counterexample, the rule is provably false.""
The physicist thought to himself, "1's a prime. 3's a prime. 5's
a prime. 7's a prime. 9 is not a prime, but 11 is a prime, and so
is 13. 15 is not a prime, but 17 and 19 are both primes! Well,
the rule is not perfect, but it does fit much of the data fairly
well. I'd have to say that, for many situations, it's a pretty
useful rule."
The engineer thought to himself, "1's a prime. 3's a prime. 5's
a prime. 7's a prime. 9's a prime. 11's a prime..."
Passing Gas
A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner so that he could meet
her parents. All of a sudden the boy passes gas.
The father looks at the boy and yells "Rover!"
The kid looks down and sees a dog at the foot of his chair. "Phew"
he thinks to himself. "Thank heavens he thinks its the dog,
otherwise it would have been really embarassing."
The boy then lets another one go. Again the father looks at the
boy and yells "Rover!"
"This is great" the boy thinks to himself, "If I let one more go
I'll be all right for the night." This time the kid lets a real
long one go.
Again the father looks at the boy and yells "Rover! Get away from
there before he craps all over you."
Tongue twister
This bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar".
The bear bangs on the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars".
The bear grabs a passing barmaid and bashes her.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids".
The bear bellows at the other barman to bring him a beer.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar,
especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at barmen".
In exasperation, the bear bites the bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve bears who are on drugs".
The bear says "On drugs?"
The barman says "Yes - I saw the bar-bit-u-ate".
Southern Lexicon
Grace...Country word with many meanings
1. What you say before you eat. ie: Bow your head for grace.
2. A secondary color. ie: The grass is green.
3. A lubricant for cars. ie: Put summor grace in that bearing.
Sensuous
A contraction of a poorly conjugated phrase.
Example: "Cinchyouwuz" up cudge'ya git me a glayus o'buddurmilk?
Quickies
Q: Did you hear about the guru who had a tooth removed without
using Novocaine?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Q: Why are alfalfa sprouts like pubic hair?
A: Generally, you push it aside and keep eating.
Q: What do you call OJ, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson?
A: The butcher, the Laker, and the license plate maker.
Q: What do cow-pats and blondes have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!
A. What do lesbians and highway workers, have in common??
B. They don't do dick.
Q: How do you castrate a hillbillie?
A: Kick his sister in the chin!
Q: What do you do if a Rottweiler humps your leg?
A: Fake an orgasm.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Nun with a PC?
A: A computer that will never go down on you!
Q: Whats the definition of a real woman?
A: One who can roll her own tampon and kickstart her vibrator.
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A: "Hey, we do taste like chicken!"
Q: What's the difference between a nymphomaniac and the wind?
A: Some days the wind doesn't blow.
Q: You know why God invented gentiles?
A: Someone had to buy retail.
Q: What is the difference between hard and light?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on....
Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a band of
pygmies?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
Q: What do most male executives believe is the most suitable
starting position for a woman?
A: Prone
Q. How do you know when a female yuppie achieves orgasm?
A. She drops her briefcase.
Q: What do you get when you call 1-900-BOBBIT?
A: Cut off
Q: Why does it take 3,000,000 sperm to find and fertilize one egg?
A: They never stop to ask directions.
Q: Why is there a hole in the end of a man's penis?
A: So air can get to his brain.
Q: What's the difference between a toilet and a sorority girl?
A: A toilet doesn't get up and follow you around for a week after
you use it.
Q: Did you hear about the gay indian beggar?
A: Just wanted a couple of bucks to eat on!
Q. There was a physician with excellent handwriting, a hospital
nurse, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Which one of them
recieved the $10.00 bill?
A. The nurse. All the rest are figments of the imagination.
Q: What does a lawyer use for a contraceptive?
A: His personality.
Q: What's the difference between bigfoot and an Italian
grandmother?
A: One's hairy and smells, and the other has big feet.
Q: What do you call three hundred lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start
Q: Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes?
A: Neither has she.
Q: What does a tornado and an Alabama divorcee have in common?
A: They both get the trailer.
Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Alabama?
A: A tourist.
Q: What is the best thing to come out of Alabama?
A: Interstate 20.
Q: How can you tell if an Alabama redneck is married?
A: There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup!
Computers
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research
grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as
Multiply is to:
a. DIVIDE
b. ROUND
c. RANDOM
A: On a Pentium, all of the above
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point
divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in
aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct
pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
Blondes
Q: Who is the recently found blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: The winner of last year's game of hide'n'seek!
Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than horses?
A: So they wouldn't crap on Main Street during the parade.
Q: What have a bleach blonde and a jumbo jet got in common?
A: They've both got black boxes!
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A: At least when you dump your load in a washing machine, it won't
follow you around for a week...
Q: Why was the blonde staring at the Orange Juice container?
A: Because it said "concentrate".
Q: Whats the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Open the car door.
Q: Whats the first thing a blonde says after sex?
A: So, are you all in the band.
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing away the ones with a W.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has used your computer?
A: It has white-out on the monitor screen.
Q: Why did the blonde sniff the Sweet & Low?
A: She thought it was diet Coke.
Q: Did you ever wonder why blond jokes are always one-liners?
A: So men can understand them.
Q: How do you keep a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off the back of his neck.
This blonde comes walking into her office with a tampon stuck
behind her ear and a puzzled look upon her face. With her
collegues looking up at her and this bizzare sight, she asks, "Hey!
Has anyone seen my pencil?"
There was a blonde out in the middle of a field near a busy highway
sitting in a canoe paddling away on dry land. Another blonde
stopped her car and started cursing her. "@#$%$@! You're the
reason that blondes have a bad reputation," she screamed. "I'd be
out there kicking your rear end into the other state right now if
it weren't for the fact that I left my swimsuit at home!"
There was a ventriloquist with a night club act who was whipping
out one blonde joke after another. All of a sudden a blonde in the
back stood up and expressed her outrage at the stereotyping of
blondes. " I find your jokes demeaning and in poor taste," shouted
the blonde. The ventriloquist somewhat nonplussed said, "Take it
easy, it's just in good fun. Chill out!" This infuriated the
blonde even more who screamed, "Shut up! I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking to the guy on your lap!"
Limericks
There Once was a Hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
He said "I admit,
I'm really a shit
but think of the money it saves!"
There once was a man named Raoul,
Who discovered red spots on his tool.
He went to a doc,
who checked out his c***,
and said, "Wipe off the lipstick you fool"!
There was a young girl of Australia,
Who went to a dance as a dahlia;
When the petals unfurled,
It revealed to the world
That the dress, as a dress, was a failure.
There was a young man of Australia,
Who painted his ass like a dahlia;
The drawing was fine,
The painting divine,
But the aroma - ah, that was the failure.
If intercourse gives you thrombosis,
And continence causes neurosis,
I'd rather expire
Fulfilling desire
Than live in a state of psychosis.
While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model posed nude on a ladder;
Her position to Titain
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.
Said the Duchess of Alba to Goya:
'Paint some pictures to hang in my foya!'
So he painted her twice:
In the nude, to look nice,
And then in her clothes to annoya.
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