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About 65 limericks
There once were two young girls from Birmingham -
I know a wild story concerning 'em -
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
Now, the bishop was nobody's fool -
He'd been to a fine public school -
So he lowered his brithces
And fucked both those bitches
With his twelve-inch Episcopal tool.
But that didn't startle those two,
Why, they laughed as the bishop withdrew.
"The Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!"
---
A lady athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her sleeping room transom.
When she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view is worth more than the ransom.
---
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
---
A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, "You`re in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
For I`ve had him myself down in Leicester."
---
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood,
The question's not would he but could he?
---
There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There`s somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It`s me."
---
"My back aches. My penis is sore.
I simply can't fuck any more.
I'm dripping with sweat,
And you haven't come yet;
And, my God! it`s a quarter to four!"
---
The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex.
It burgeons with virgeons
And masculine urgeons,
And swarms with erotic effex.
---
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
---
There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
---
A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
---
There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
---
King Louis gave a lesson in Class,
One time he was sexing a lass.
When she used the word "Damn"
He rebuked her: "Please ma`am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
---
There was a young fellow named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, "Don`t bow out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."
---
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
---
There was a young firl from Sofia
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It`s a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
---
There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
---
There was a young lady from Cue
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They`ll pay to get out of it too."
---
There was an old whore named McGee
Who was just the right sort for a spree.
She said, "For a fuck
I charge half a buck,
And I throw in the ass-hole for free."
---
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day
Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell`s a `panoe`?"
---
There was a young lady at sea
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me."
---
And then ther's a story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
When a chap took a crap
In the woods, and a trap
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
---
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her --
And left her to pay for the room.
---
A squemish young fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand,
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
---
A vigorous fellow named Bert
Was attracted by every new skirt.
Oh, it wasn't their minds
But their rounded behinds
That excited this loveable flirt.
---
A psychoneurotic fanatic
Said, "I take little girls to the attic,
Then whistle a tune
'Bout the cow and the moon --
When the cow jumps, I come. It`s dramatic."
---
A young man who lived in Khartoum
Was exceedingly fond of the womb.
He thought nothing finer
Than the female vagina,
So he kept three of four in his room.
---
There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
She said, "Try as I can
I can't find a man
Who it`s fun to be virtuous with."
---
The mathematician Von Blecks
Devised an equation for sex,
Having proved a good fuck
Isn't patience of luck,
But a function of Y over X.
---
There was a young lady of Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh she knew! -- but she went!
---
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude-
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
---
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
---
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
---
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn`t built in a day."
---
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame-
A discharge is a wonderful thing.
---
The nipples of Sarah Sarong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
---
There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
When it came to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
---
If you're speaking of actions immoral
Then how about giving the laurel
To doughty Queen Esther,
No three men could best her-
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
---
There once was a harlot at Yale
With her price-list tattooed on her tail,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
She had it embroidered in Braille.
---
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who did the fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
---
There was a young man with a hernia
Who said to his surgeon, "Gosh-dernya,
When carving my middle
Be sure you don't fiddle
With matters that do not concern ya."
---
There was an old rake from Stamboul
Felt his ardor grow suddenly cool.
No lack of affection
Reduced his erection --
But his zipper had just caught his tool.
---
There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth her vagina.
Her clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor.
---
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell
As a shot rang the bell,
"I`ll give you a ding for a dong."
---
There was a young farmer of Nant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant,
For he fucked all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.
---
When the judge, with his wife having sport,
Proved suddenly two inches short,
The good woman declined,
And the judge had her fined
By proving contempt of the court.
---
There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
Had a very capricious vagina:
To the shock of the fucker
'Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
---
There was a young man of Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."
---
There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.
---
A salvation Lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."
---
There once was a floozie named Annie
Whose prices were cosy -- but canny:
A buck for a fuck,
Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
---
A harlot of note named Le Dux
Would always charge seventy bucks,
But for that she would suck you,
And wink-off and fuck you --
The whole thing was simply de luxe!
---
A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
But instead of a fine
He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
---
Van Gogh found a whore who would lay,
And accept a small painting as pay.
"Vive l`Art!" cried Van Gogh,
"But it`s too fucking slow --
I wish I could paint ten a day!"
---
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You`re a tight one."
She replied, " `Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There`s plenty of room in the right one."
---
There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Who his neighbors all looked on askance alot
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
---
A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.
---
There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
---
There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat.
---
There was a young lady of Clewer
Who was riding a horse, and it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air,
And seized the occasion to screw her.
---
She made a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her
She took off like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.
---
When you take off your cute nylon scanties,
Do they crackle electrical chanteys?
Don't worry, my dear,
There's nothing to fear;
You've simply got amps in your panties!
---
I knew an old lady named Harrow,
Whose mind was so prudishly narrow,
She had seperate birdbaths
Reached by two garden paths
For the two different sexes of sparrows!
---
A worn-out old hooker named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups
"The worst of my folly
Was fucking a collie,
But I got a good price for the pups!"
---
A lady who lived in Berlin
Believed that to fuck was a sin;
But when she got tight,
It seemed quite all right,
So everyone plied her with gin.
---
"I worship the masculine body,
So I hitch rides with truckers" said Maudie.
"When they get out to piss,
I see lots that I'd miss
From the seat of my little blue Audi!"
---
A horny New Yorker name Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus;
They found her vagina
In South Carolina,
And her ass in Chicago and Dallas.
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