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Over 100 lawyer jokes
QUESTION AND ANSWER JOKES:
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
-Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-How many do you think you can afford?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
-A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a car?
-With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
-The cats keep trying to bury them.
Why did the post office reject lawyer stamps?
-The people wouldn't know which side to spit on.
What do attorneys do when they die?
-They lie still.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
-An offer you can't understand.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
-A leech has the decency to stop sucking your blood once you're
dead.
How is a lawyer like a pickpocket?
-Need you ask?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
-The rooster clucks defiance.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
-Two. The rest are true.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
-His partners.
Why is a lawyer like an alcoholic?
-He can't pass the bar.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
-Stick his bill up his ass.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mugger?
-A mugger uses a gun.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
-His lips are moving.
What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the
middle of the road?
-There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
-God doesn't think he's an attorney.
What do you call 1,000 attorneys chained together at the bottom of
the sea?
-A good start.
How do you spot an honest lawyer?
-No one knows.
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
-To keep the skin from crawling up their chins.
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear to court?
-Lawsuits and legal briefs.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
-The lawyer get's more frequent flyer miles.
Did you hear about the Sushi bar that serves lawyers?
-It's called Sosumi.
Why does California have more lawyers and New Jersey have more
toxic waste dumps?
-New Jersey got first choice.
How does a woman know she is carrying a to-be lawyer?
-She has a craving for bologna.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
-It might be your bicycle.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
-You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What did a boy lawyer say to a girl lawyer?
-Want to court?
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
-Take your foot of his head.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
-A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Why was an elephant walking through the forest eating animal
droppings?
-He had just eaten a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of
his mouth.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
-One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
-Cut the rope.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
-The bucket.
What do you need when you've got 10 attorneys in cement up to their
necks?
-More cement.
What's the first thing you should do after running over a lawyer?
-Back up.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
-A doberman.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of fifty?
-Your honor.
ONE LINERS:
According to lawyers, a bachelor is a selfish person who has
cheated some deserving woman out of her divorce settlement.
Talk is cheap...until you hire a lawyer.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch
either being made.
Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from
collecting his bill.
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client,
but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
Yuppie lawyers don't cry--they just Saab.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
One lawyer in a small town will starve to death, but two can make
a pretty good living.
Lawyer: a member of that profession who is dedicated to protecting
you from other members of that profession.
A jury is a collection of people gathered together to see who hired
the better lawyer.
Did you hear about the lawyer who named his daughter Sue?
"Virtue down the middle," said the devil as he sat between two
lawyers.
Support your local bar association--send your kids to medical
school.
Tombstone of a lawyer: the defense rests.
A peasant between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
One dishonest man is a thief. Two make a lawfirm, and three make
a congress.
Then there was the lawyer who, when he stepped in cow dung, thought
he was melting.
The reason there's a penalty for laughing in court is that
otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.
Definition of flagrant waste: a bus full of lawyers going of the
edge of a cliff, and there's one seat empty.
There are two types of lawyers. Those who know the law, and those
who know the judge.
STORY JOKES:
You are stranded on a remote island with nothing but a gun with two
bullets. One day, three boats approach the island. In one is a
cannible, in the next is a head hunter, and in the third is a
lawyer. What do you do?
-Shoot the lawyer, twice.
Three men, a cheap lawyer, an expensive lawyer, and Santa Claus
were sitting at a round table with 10 grand in the center. The
lights went out and the money was stolen. Who took it?
-The expensive lawyer. The other two are imaginary characters.
At a convention of biological scientist one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice
to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, first, we've found that lawyers breed far faster than
mice; second, the lab assistants don't get as emotionally attached
to the lawyers, and thirdly, there are some things a rat just won't
do. However, it's relatively hard to extrapolate our test results
to human beings."
A person came to a lawyer's front door inquiring as to whether or
not the lawyer would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He
declined, as he hadn't seen the accident but would still be
interested in taking the case.
Two men were walking through a graveyard when they came across an
unusually large tombstone. "Here lies an honest man, a lawyer",
read the first man. To which the second man replied, "Why do
you think they would put two people in one grave like that?"
The devil offered a lawyer fame and fortune in return for his soul.
The lawyer replied, "I like the deal so far, what's the catch?"
A doctor and a lawyer were in a head-on crash. The lawyer said,
"I'm calling the police." So he did and came back and offered the
doctor a drink. "Aren't you having one?" asked the doctor. "Yes,"
answered the lawyer, "Right after the cops come."
A man went to see a lawyer and asked what his least expensive fee
was. The lawyer replied, "Fifty dollars for 3 questions."
Stunned, the man asked, "Isn't that a lot of money for 3
questions?"
"Yes," the lawyer said. "Now, what's your final question?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay,
there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St.
Peter. Suddenly, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down
the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then
St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands
and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable
chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what
makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which
you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about
193 years old!"
An attorney saw an elderly lady to draft her will and charged her
$100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was
a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in the
attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The
client who had attended the trial was out of town at the time the
jury came back with it's decision. The decision was a complete
victory for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer excitedly sent
a telegram to the client which read:
"Justice has triumphed!"
The client received the telegram and wired back:
"Appeal at once!!"
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all. When Satan heard this, he smirked and said, "Oh
yeah, where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?"
A blind rabbit and a blind snake met one another in the woods, hit
it off pretty well, and over a period of months met on a daily
basis.
One day the snake said, "We've known each other for a long time
now, and I just realized that I don't know what you look like.
Would you mind if I felt you?"
The rabbit said, "OK, sure, fine," and let the snake coil around
him.
"You are soft and warm and furry and have big ears. By any
chance are you a rabbit?"
"Yes, I am," replied the rabbit. "And you are cold, slimy,
have fangs, and scales. Could it be that you're a lawyer?"
A historian, a doctor, and a lawyer were standing around the grave
at a funeral. The historian suggested they all put money on the
grave since it was a custom of some culture he was studying. He
placed a $100 bill on the grave. Not to be outdone, the doctor put
down a $100 bill as well. The lawyer wrote a check for $300 and
removes the $200 cash.
A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer are killed in a bus crash and all
arrive at heaven together. The priest is awed. Heaven is really
heavenly--the streets are lined with mansions and paved with gold.
St. Peter puts his arm around the priest and says, "Michael,
it's wonderful to have another priest here. Come, I'll show you
your new home."
Nestled on a grassy knoll is a charming cottage. Roses grow
over the doorway and birds sing in the surrounding trees. "It's
everything I ever wanted," says the priest. "May I continue on
with you to see where my friends are going to live?"
"Certainly," says St. Peter. The sun is shining, flowers are
blooming and the air is fresh and clean. As they progress, the
lawns and gardens get more magnificent and the houses more
palatial.
Stopping before a 40-room mansion, St. Peter says, "Dr. Bob, you
have spent your life caring for your fellow man and this home, with
12 bathrooms, 15 fireplaces and a staff of 20 is yours for
eternity. You need never work again."
"Thank you," says Dr. Bob. "I am a little tired after my life's
work. I think I'll take a short nap."
St. Peter, the lawyer, and the priest walk on, and the
neighborhood continues to improve. Rounding a bend, they see a
magnificent mansion on a knoll, surrounded by a garden of blooming
flowers. The priest wonders if the mansion might be the home of
one of the saints, or even the Lord Himself. As they mount the
marble stairs to the front door, St. Peter says to the lawyer,
"Son, this is your eternal home."
The attorney nods and without saying a word, opens the door.
The priest catches a glimpse of a hallway paved with gold, and as
the lawyer disappears inside, St. Peter shouts after him, "If you
want anything, just pick up the red phone. It's connected to my
office. And if, for any reason, I'm unable to satisfy your needs,
use the white phone. It's a direct line to God."
"Do you mind if I ask a question," says the priest.
"Go right ahead," replies St. Peter.
"Well, I don't mean to complain, but I'd like to know why that
lawyer deserves more of a reward than Dr. Bob or myself."
"That's easy," says St. Peter, "We get a lot of priests, and a
few doctors, but that man was our first lawyer."
A lawyer pulled himself out of his wrecked BMW and started moaning,
"Oh, my beautiful beamer!" A bystander pointed out that his arm
was
missing whereupon he wailed, "Oh no! Not my Rolex too!"
A lawyer gave his client some choices for defense depending on the
plea. One hundred dollars would be a plea of not guilty. Five
hundred dollars would be a plea of not guilty beyond a shadow of a
doubt.
Three men--a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer--go on a cruise in a
power boat. Suddenly, the weather changes. The wind howls, waves
are huge, and the boat is battered by heavy seas. Soon the radio
breaks down and the motor fails. Looking off one of the men spots
and island about 150 yards away. "One of us will have to swim to
that island for help," he says, and the others agree.
The doctor dives overboard and is devoured by sharks about 50
yards away from the boat. The lawyer and the priest draw straws
and the priest has to go for it. He jumps overboard and is
attacked by the same sharks 25 yards from the boat.
The lawyer, now left alone, decides he'll risk the sharks to
avoid drowning. About 10 yards from the boat a giant white shark
says, "Climb on my back and I'll take you in."
After being deposited safely on shore, the lawyer asks, "How
come you ate the doctor and the priest but not me?"
"Hey," grins the shark, "professional courtesy."
A man was arrested for pickpocketing. A lawyer asked if he could
defend him. The pickpocket asked, "Where am I going to get the
money?" The lawyer replied, "You know your business, don't you?"
"This is the true but lamentable story of a good, a holy, but truly
unfortunate man and his incredible experiences on a summer night
and morning. He was, and had been for the preceding years, the
vicar of a small parish in the village of Middle Wallop. His
cherished wife of some 20 years had recently departed her corporeal
envelope, leaving the vicar a very lonely man indeed.
"A year ago, on a summer night at dusk, the vicar was strolling,
as had been his wont for some many years, in the woods near his
beloved church. He was meditating on the relationship of man and
his creator when he heard, 'Vicar! Vicar!'
"Although hearing the words, the vicar completely ignored them
as being auricularly irrelevant since these woods had always been
his sanctuary, quite unmolested by interlopers of any sort.
"But, shortly, 'Vicar! Vicar!'
"Finding it impossible to avoid this interruption further, he
turned to ascertain the identity of this incivility. There, at his
feet, was a small green frog looking directly up at him, and, quite
inescapedly, the origin of these bewildering words. Fully
cognizant that the Almighty functioned in mysterious ways, he
accepted this phenomenon and directly inquired, 'Who are you? What
right have you to address me? A frog? This is ridiculous!'
"But the diminutive amphibian was not to be rebuffed by this
challenge. 'Vicar. Please listen. Hear my sad story and I know
you won't reject my plea.'
"'Get on with it, frog,' said the exasperated vicar. 'Vicar, I
have been the victim of a terrible and evil witch who cast a spell
on me and transformed me from a simple and good choir boy living in
the next village to this present form, a lowly frog. She did this
merely to demonstrate her power over such as me, and there is only
one way to undo this horrible act. You must help me, Vicar,
because it is only you that can effect my release from this
dreadful condition. My only hope is for you to let me spend on
whole night in your bed, close to your goodness and holiness.
That, if done, will break the spell and free me from the witch's
influence. Please help me, Vicar. My life is in your hands.'
"Most reluctantly, the vicar agreed to this odd supplication.
He escorted the frog, cupped securely in his hands, back to the
vicarage, placed him beside him in his bed, and promptly fell off
into a fitful sleep.
"At the breaking of the dawn the next morning the vicar turned
over in his bed and saw there, lying snugly beside him, a blue-
eyed, curly-locked choir boy deep in slumber. At this exact
moment, the vicar's housemaid entered the bedroom with the vicar's
morning tea."
"And that, my Lord, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, will be
the case for the Defense."
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his
place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to
a beautiful woman.
"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all
eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, his escorting demon snarled,
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A law firm partner was impressed by his new associate's knowledge.
So he asked, "Where on earth did you learn so much about the law?"
"Yale," was the reply.
"And when did you leave Yale?" asked the associate.
"Last Yune."
The lawyer came home at 3 A.M. His wife yelled at him, "Where
have you been?? You said you'd be back at 11:45, and you're late!"
"Nothing of the sort," said the lawyer. "I'm on time. I said
I'd be back at a quarter of twelve."
Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his law
school tuition would be a problem.
"No," he replied. "I paid that back right after my first case."
"Really," said the interviewer. "What case was that?"
"Uh, well, my dad sued me for it and won."
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your
mother do all day?" Tim stood up proudly and said, "She's a
doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" She shyly stood up,
scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father,
Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays
piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the
bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained
what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I
explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Vacationing out west, a just divorced man stopped off in a bar.
After a few drinks, he fell to thinking about his divorce and
thought out loud, "Lawyers are horses' asses." The bartender
hustled over and said, "Mister, for crying out loud--don't talk
like that around here. Don't you know you're in horse country?"
It seemed that the son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college
and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a
very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in a
corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be
introduced to the clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide
whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this a
splendid idea, and the arrangement was set up immediately.
On the son's first day as work, the first client in the morning
was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who
began the conversation as follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a
ranch on the east side of town. For many I have tented their crops
and animals, including some cows. I have raised cows, tended them,
fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that
I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son
inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised
on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we
have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in. A young,
well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name
is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of town," he said.
"For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending
the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been
raised on my land, and fed on my hay, and I believe they belong to
me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them they
belong to him. In short, we have a dispute over the ownership of
the cows."
"I've heard enough. I'll take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE
COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a
look of concern. "My father, I know nothing about the law, but it
seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will
be ours!"
A young lawyer on his first day at the job heard on knock on his
office door. Wanting to impress his visitor, he picked up his
phone and went through the motions of winding up a very important
call. Finally, he looked at his visitor and asked, "What can I do
for you, sir?"
The man replied, "Oh, I just came to hook up your phone."
A housewife, an accountant, and a lawyer were asked, "How much is
two plus two?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
figures through my spreadsheet one more time.
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of
Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the
Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go
and bury twenty more of them."
The lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They
referred it to a Judge, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as
follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to her attorney after
he'd solved her legal problems. "My dear woman," the lawyer
replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been
only one answer to that question."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for
a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the
stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,"
replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving
under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly four
p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a
recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available
for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told
them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so
followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in
about 10 minutes and it was clear that the defendant was guilty.
The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready
to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience
and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up
the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well,
have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're
still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
For three years, a young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the inkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the
inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her
lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have
gotten married and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no,
that's not the punchline) to spend a week or two up at his place,
which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend
to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer,
agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country--rising
early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went
around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in
tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears--a male and a
female.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has
he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed
his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male,
while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his
head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,
leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in
the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer
who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor. "Where do you think lawyers
come from?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American, and a lawyer are in a train.
The Russian take a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours
some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the
best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world can you find Vodka as
good as the one we produce. We have so much we can just throw it
away..." Saying that, he opened the window and threw the rest of
the bottle through it. All the others were impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it
and begins to smoke saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of
the world, and we have so many of them we can just throw them
away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the
window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and
throws the lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher
shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to the lawyer's office and
asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my
store, do I have the right to demand payment from the owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast
from me today." The lawyer, without a word, wrote the butcher a
check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash--it's too plebeian--
and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter].
Several days later the butcher opens the mail and fins an
envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for consultation.
A headhunter went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain
ordered at this particular store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for Lawyer brain?"
"One hundred dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce
of brain??"
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are."
Harry lets out some of the air and the balloon descends to below
the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are,
let's ask that guy on the ground."
So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we
are?"
The man on the ground shouts back, "You're in a balloon one
hundred feet up in the air."
George turn to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer."
Harry says, "How can you tell?"
"Because the advice he gave us is one hundred percent accurate,
and totally useless."
A lawyer asked a judge, "Ten thousand dollars is a good settlement,
but don't you think my client deserves something?"
A lawyer defending a boy who murdered his parents (not a Menendez
kid) says, "Your honor, I ask for leniency. The boy is an orphan!"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now if
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also know as "Lawyer", and
the party of the second part, also know as "Light Bulb", do hearby
and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position
as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties,
i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the
area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway,
terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement
between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the part of the third part
(Socket), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part (New Light Bulb). This
installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of
the procedures described in step one of this self-same document,
being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise
direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as
"Partnership."
Lawyers dies and goes to heaven. To enter heaven St Peter
asks him what good deeds did her perform. Well I came
across this bum who needed money for a meal, and I gave him
a quarter the lawyer said to St. Peter. St. Peter ask him
if he had done any other good deeds. Well I came across a
homeless child and gave the child a quarter said the
lawyer. St. Peter turn to Gabriel and asked if the lawyer
met the criteria. Gabriel asked the lawyer if he did any
other good deeds. The lawyer thought and thought and
finally said that was all he could remember. Gabriel told
St. Peter to give the lawyer back his 50 cents and for the
lawyer to go to hell.
send more pleaz, if you have them, i luv to hear lawyer jokes
[email protected], er if that's gone, [email protected]
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