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A collection of lawyer jokes (from Nolo Press)
jokes
[IMAGE]
Lawyer Jokes
Send Us a Joke.... We couldn't do it without you -- publish all these
jokes, that is. So if you hear a good one, send it in.
From "Nolo's Favorite Lawyer Jokes" software. $9.95 per disk.
_________________________________________________________________
Lawyer Jokes
* New This Week
* Lawyer-Bashing Through the Ages
* Lawyers as Liars
* Lawyers as Ambulance Chasers
* Doctors and Lawyers
* Outrageous Fees
* Lawyers Obfuscate the Law
* Justice for None
* Lawyer Defined
* Lawyers in Court
* Lawyers as Beasts, Birds and Insects
* The Miseducation of Lawyers
* Lawyers as Dummies
* Lawyers as Crooks, Cheats, and Felons
* Lawyers in Love
* Lawyers on Vacation
* The Odd Fellowship of Lawyers
* Lawyers Compete in Sports
* Nobody Loves a Lawyer...
* Lawyers and the Devil
* Lawyers and Lightbulbs
* Lawyers as Vultures
New This Week
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were
gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In
his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a
custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something
to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a
hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did
the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
Lawyer-Bashing Through the Ages
After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men
sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but
eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of
the three would have to sleep in the barn.
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu
mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while
later he returned and apologetically explained that there were
cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep
there.
Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered,
picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long
before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it
impossible for him to sleep there.
The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly
picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.
Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer
answered it, there were the cows and the pig.
Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for
research?
A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats,
second, the researchers don't get as attached to them.
One problem, though, is that no one has been able to
extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological
creatures.
Lawyers as Liars
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each
other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for
a living. "Billy, you be first," she said, "What does you
mother do all day?" Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a
doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father,
Tim?"
Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography.
Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's
father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son
had said and demanded an explanation.
Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain
a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Lawyers as Ambulance Chasers
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get
prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one
lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
Doctors and Lawyers
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery,
he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We
didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
Outrageous Fees
Human one: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too
interested in making money.
Human two: Why do you say that?
Human one: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at
night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an
Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so
quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most
sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of
lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to
charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."
Lawyers Obfuscate the Law
"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say
it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going
to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said
it, I was going to say it first."
--A lawyer speaking to a judge
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Justice for None
"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
--Lenny Bruce
Lawyer Defined
Q:What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The
other is a fish.
Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life-support system.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once
launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And
when they land, they screw up everything forever.
Lawyers in Court
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first
case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it
simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The
defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to
have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will
you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to
whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the
judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question:
What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after
breakfast on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you
have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
Lawyers as Beasts, Birds and Insects
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one
day.
The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're
soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're
slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground.
You must be a lawyer."
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He
stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in
particular,
"Lawyers are horses' asses."
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what
you say. You're in horse country."
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its
horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the
lawyers are milking it.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two
lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
The Miseducation of Lawyers
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better
students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you
go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give
and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests,
rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said
orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and
all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze
and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and
without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before
or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of
whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise
notwithstanding...'"
The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the
accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring
some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge
accumulates.
Lawyers as Dummies
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.
Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice
as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
Lawyers as Crooks, Cheats, and Felons
Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site
when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Lawyers in Love
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that
he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest
six months of your life."
Lawyers on Vacation
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a
luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former
high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old
hometown.
He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello,
Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these
days?"
"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother.
She thinks I'm still a pimp."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked
him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance
proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in
Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the
flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a
flood?"
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a
beach resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
The Odd Fellowship of Lawyers
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly
one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go
back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both
here."
Lawyers Compete in Sports
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next
fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the
ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to
cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied.
"But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
Nobody Loves a Lawyer...
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a
well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
+ Saut?ed Tourist $10
+ Braised Reporter $12
+ Fried Diplomat $15
+ Barbecued Lawyer $110
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers
cost so much.
The headhunter replied, "if you had ever tried to clean one of
those devils, you would understand."
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in
cement?
A: Not enough cement.
A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her
stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer
questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When
he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike
lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
Lawyers and the Devil
The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an
offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll
increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you;
your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of
vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in
return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and
their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
Lawyers and Light Bulbs
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Lawyers as Vultures
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.
[email protected]
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