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Lots and lots of jokes
------ Jokes 1------
This is a compiled list of jokes.
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W A R N I N G ! !
This G-File contains racial, etc. jokes, so if you think you may be
offended, please abort now....................................................
..............................................................................
******************************************************************************
In a strip-poker parlor called Diantes,
When a maiden had just lost her panties,
She blushed, glanced around --
and guess what she found?
All the male players raising their antes!
Word has just reached us about the ultimate in singles bars.
It's a place where girls have to show their I.U.D.s to be admitted.
Harlem High cheer:
Barbecue, Watermelon, Cadillac Car!
We're not as dumb as you think we is!
What do you get when you fuck a midget?
Twerpies!
What do you get when you fuck a bird?
Chirpies!
What do you get when you fuck ice cream?
Slurpies!
How do you get a kleenex to dance?
Blow a little boogie into it!
How can you tell when a woman is wearing panty hose?
If her ankle swells up when she farts!
There once was the Polish girl who ran in the house hollering, "Mom, Mom I
got pregnant!" And her mother said, "Good God, child where was your head?" To
which the young girl replied, under the steering wheel." (Hic.) Then when her
father came home from work she said, "Daddy, I'm pregnant." And her father
asked, "Are you sure it's yours?"
There once was a lady named Alice
Who used dynamite for a phallus
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits
In Dallas
There once was a man from Curass
Who had balls that were made of glass
When clanging together
They made stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass
Or, as the two old maids said to the magician,
"Cut out the hokus, and pokus!"
What's black foreplay?
"Wake up, bitch!"
Nymphonimical Alice,
used a dynamite stick as a phallus,
they found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
What is the fastest animal on earth today?
An Ethiopian chicken.
One Christmas Eve, a long time ago, Santa awoke feeling quite amorous. He
turned toward Mrs. Claus and snuggled up, but she just rolled over and grumbled
something about having a headache. Feeling rejected, Santa rose out of bed and
went to his workshop to see his Elves, knowing they always cheered him up.
To Santa's dismay, when he walked into his workshop, he found most of the
Elves were quite drunk, and unable to finish the many toys that still had to
be done in time for his delivery that night. Now, quite angry, Santa stormed
out of the shop and went to the barn to check out his sleigh and harnesses.
When he got in the barn he was greeted by Rudolph who had a very bad case of
the Hong Kong flu, and information about how Donner and Dancer, Prancer and
Vixen all had the diarrhea, and would be in no condition for flight. Now he
was fuming!
He went to the mail box to get his newspaper, and discovered the paperboy
didn't wrap it up and it got soaked. Wondering what else could possibly go
wrong, Santa walked back to the house, and settled into his easy chair when a
spring busted and goosed him, making him spill his pipe tobacco all over his
shirt and pants. Just then, a knock at the door made him jump. He sprang up,
very irate to see who was going to bring him more bad news.
When he opened the door, standing in front of him was a pretty little Angel,
face all aglow, and dragging a large evergreen behind her. "Hi Santa!", she
said, "Where do you want me to put the tree?"
Well, needless to say, Santa did offer a suggestion, and from that day forth,
it has been custom to place the Angel in the same place!
Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cubbard,
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
but when she bent over, Rover took over,
and showed her a bone of his own!
What's Jewish foreplay?
Brace yourself, Agnes!
What do you say to a Mexican in a three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise!!
How do you catch a polar bear?
You dig a hole in the ice and put peas all around it. Then when the polar
bear comes to take a "Pea", you kick him in the "Ice Hole"!
Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
He said if he was gonna be impotent, he wanted to look impotent!
Did you hear about the Polish fish?
It drowned!
How do you ruin a polish Halloween party?
Flush the toilet while they bob for apples!
Did you hear about the Polish mafia?
There were two guys with their heads tied together and shot in the hands!
Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
He shot the safe and blew the tellers!
How did the Polack die while drinking water?
The toilet seat fell on his head!
What do you call a pretty girl in Poland?
A tourist!
What is Polish and has an IQ over 120?
Warsaw!
What do you call four black guys in a Mercedes 450 SEL convertible?
Grand theft auto!
Where's the beef?
In Wendy's buns.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - that's a hardware problem.
How do you get rid of all the spic's in Philadelphia?
Tell the spooks they taste like chicken.
What's the difference between Joan Collins and the Titanic?
The Titanic went down with only 400 men.
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bathtub?
Throw in your laundry!
What does GAY stand for?
Got Aids Yet?
There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbors all looked on
askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass
the front of his pants would
advance a lot.
What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epilectics!
What do gay Eskimos get?
Cool AIDS.
What do gay bakers get?
Roll AIDS.
What do gay musicians get?
Band AIDS.
Why do they boil water when a baby is born?
So if it dies, you can make soup!
How do you get a one armed Polock out of a tree?
Wave!
Why does a Polish Gynecologist use two fingers when he examines a woman?
So he can get a second opinion!
Why is a woman's ass-hole and snatch so close together?
So you can carry them home like a six-pack when they're drunk!
Who's measurements are 17-17-17?
Miss Eitheopia!
Why do Blacks call White people "Honkies"?
It's the last noise they hear before white people run them over!
How man Ethiopians can you fit in a Volkswagon?
All of them!
How did blacks learn to breakdance?
Stealing the hubcaps off of moving cars!
A black and a Polock jump out of a plane. Who hits first?
Who cares?
Did you hear about the queer who was fired from the sperm bank?
He was drinking on the job!
What is brown and has holes in it?
Swiss shit!
What do you call a quadraplegic floating in the ocean?
Bob!
What do you call a quadraplegic tacked to a wall?
Art!
What do you call a quadraplegic in front of on your doorstep?
Mat!
What do you call a quadraplegic on the grazing ranch?
Chip!
Take a guy that has no arms or legs and tie him to the back of your car. Take
off and call him "skip"
How do you save a nigger from drowning?
Take your foot off his head!
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A canoe tips!.
What is the different between herpies and aids?
One is a love story, and one is a fairy tale!
What does "Aids" stand for?!
Anal Injected Death Syndrome!
How do you know God was a Polack?
Who else would put a snack bar so close to a shithouse!
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen ("I-Lean" for you dense folks)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Cigarette!
What do you say to a dog with no legs?
"Want to go for a drag?"
What do you call a guy with no legs?
Neil
How do you tell if an Eithopian women is pregnant?
Hold her up to the light.
A man walked into a bar, and sitting on a stool, asked the bartender for
three martinis. "Rough day?" asked the bartender. "No, I just found out that
my older brother was homosexual." replied the man. After downing the martinis,
the man left.
A week later, the same man, returned to the same bar, and asked the same
bartender for six martinis. "Six?" asked the bartender, "You must've had a
terrible week." "No." said the man, "I just heard that my younger brother was
gay." The bartender poured him the drinks, which he quickly downed, and left.
The next day, the man returned to the bar, and asked the bartender for nine
martinis. The bartender, thinking that this man had another brother who was
queer, asked the man, "Don't anybody in your family like girls?" To which the
man replied "Yeah sure! Me and my sister do!"
- Purple Passion -
A boy was walking to school one day when he found a note. When he got to
school he was late and the teacher wanted to know why so he showed her the
note.
She read the note .... "Purple Passion!!!! go to the principal's office NOW!!!"
The boy, who was very bewildered, went to the principal's office as he was
told.
When the principal as the boy why he was in the office, the boy replied,
"Well, I was walking to school and I found this note. I was late to school and
the techacher wanted to know why so I showed her the note. She read the note
and sent me to see you ... " The principal asked,"What did the note say?"
"Purple Passion."
"Purple Passion !!!! Go to the superintendant NOW!!!!"
The boy, who was even more bewildered now, when to the superintendants
office as he was told.
The superintendant asked the boy why he was told to see him and the boy
replied,"Well, I was walking to school, and I found this note ... I was late
for school and the teacher wanted to know why so I showed her the note ...
she read the note and sent me to the principal's office, he read the note and
sent me here."
"Well, what did the note say?!
"Purple Passion."
"Purple PaPassion!!! You're suspended!"
The boy, who was now even more confused, walked home. When he got home, his
mother asked him why he was home so eearly.
The boy replied, "I was walking to school, and I found this note. I was late
for school and the teacher wanted to know why so I showed her the note; she
sent me to the principal's office; he sent me to the superintendant's office;
he suspended me.
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple Passion."
"Purple Passion!!!" <the mother hit the boy a few times> "Just wait until your
father gets home, young man! Go to your room NOW!"
The boy went to his room as he was told and waited for his father to return
home. When his father returned home, he asked his boy, "Why is your mother so
upset?"
"Well, I was walking to school and I found this note; I was late for school
and the teacher wanted to know why so I showed her the note; she sent me to
the principal's office; he sent me to the superintendant's office; the superin-
tendant suspended me.
"What did the note say?"
"Purple Passion."
"Purple Passion!!!!!!" <the father beat the boy up and threw the boy and
all of his clothes out of the window.>
The boy was walking down the street when a neighbor asked him why he was so
upset. He said, "Well, I was walking to school, and I found this note. I was
late for school and the teacher wanted to know why so I let her read the note;
she sent me to the principal's office; the principal sent me to the
superintendant's office
; the superintendant suspended me; my mom beat me up and sent me to my room;
my dad beat me up and threw me out of the house."
The old lady replied, "Well, what did the note say?"
"Uh ... Purple Passion."
<The lady screamed and ran into her house, her husband immediately went
outside and demanded to know why his wife was so upset.>
"Well, I was walking to school, and I found this note. I was late for
school and the teacher wanted to know why so i showed her the note; she sent
me to the principal's office; he sent me to the superintendant's office; the
superintendant suspended me; my momother beat me up and sent me to my room
when I got home my father beat me up and threw me out of the house; your wife
just screamed and ran away from me. I don't understand what's going on."
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple Passion."
"Purple Passion!!!!!!!!!" <The old man starts shooting at the kid with a rifle
but being as old as he is, he misses and the boy escapes.>
The boy had been roaming the streets for quite a while when a storekeeper
stopped him and asked him what was wrong.
"I was walking to school one day and I found a note. I was late for school and
the teacher wanted to know why I was late so I showed her the note; she sent me
to the principal's office; the principal sent me to the superintendant's
office; the superintendant suspended me; my mom beat me up and sent me to my
room; my dad beat me up and threw me out of the house through a window; the
neighbor's wife started screaming and ran away from me; her husband shot at
me with a hunting rifle; I've been roaming the streets for a week now."
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple Passion."
"Purple Passion!!!! Get the hell out of my store" <The man calls the police and
the boy starts running away ... the boy runs into an old bum a few days later
and tells him what's wrong ...
"I was walking to school one day and I found this note, I wa late for school
and the teacher wanted to know why I was late so I showed her the note; she
read it and sent me to the principal's office; he sent me to the
superintendant's office ;the superintendant suspended me; my mom beat me up
and sent me to my room; my dad beat me up and threw me out the window; the
neighbors shot at me; some old man just threw me out of his store; I've been
roaming the streets for a week."
"Well, what did the note say?"
"Purple Passion."
The bum thought for a while and then asked the boy, "Do you know what Purple
Passion means?"
"No", the boy replied, "That's why I'm so confused."
"Well, it means-"
<the bum dies>
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke a little leaf,
Jack got so high,
That he let down his fly,
And Jill yelled, "Where's the beef?"
Bang bang Lulu.
Lulu banged all day.
Who we going to bang on when Lulu goes away?
Some girls work in factories, some girls work in stores.
Lulu works in Farmingdale with forty other whores.
Bang bang Lulu, Lulu banged all day.
Who we going to bang on when Lulu goes away?
The rich girl uses kotex, poor girls uses rags,
Lulu's cunt's so damn big she uses burlap bags.
Bang bang Lulu, Lulu banged all day.
Who we going to bang on when Lulu goes away?
Some girls like the fat ones, some girls like 'em thin.
But Lulu's in the kitchen greasing up a rooling pin.
Bang bang Lulu, Lulu banged all day.
Who we going to bang on, when Lulu goes away?
A rich girl uses kotex, a poor girl uses sheets,
Lulu don't use nothing... leaves a trail down the street.
******************************************************************************
Well, I hope you liked the first part! Don't forget to read the Hilarious
sequal!!!! It's called -----> Jokes 2 <-----
-Chester the Molester
/e/e
//e
`
///////eee
$$$
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