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Funny stories
---
A hunter was out in the woods one day, when a duck flew over. He aimed
and fired, and the duck fell to the ground. Unfortunately, it fell on
land owned by a farmer. The hunter climbed the fence to get the duck,
but suddenly the farmer appeared. "That's my duck," claimed the
hunter. "No, it's on my land, so it's my duck," countered the farmer.
They argued for several minutes, to no avail. Finally, the farmer
came up with a solution. "Tell you what. We'll each kick each
other just as hard as we can, right between the legs where it counts,
and the one who kicks the hardest gets to keep the duck." The hunter
thought about it for a few minutes, then agreed. The farmer said he
would go first, so he drew back and let fly. The hunter rolled
around on the ground, turning all shades of green and blue, gasping
for breath and moaning in agony. He had never felt such pain in his
life. After about fifteen minutes, he was able to sit up, and in
another ten minutes, he could stand. Greedily rubbing his hands and
smiling, he said, "Okay, now it's my turn!" The farmer replied,
"Oh, the hell with it. You can keep the duck."
---
It was soooooo cold, that I saw a guy pay a hooker $10 to blow
on his hands.
---
Q. What do you call a Checkoslovakian Abortion?
A. A Cancelled Check.
---
A pig goes into a bar and asks for six beers and drinks them all and
asks the bartender where the bathroom is and is told by the bartender
that is down the hall.A little while latter the pig leaves.Then another
pig comes in and asks for twelve beers and then asks where the bathroom
is and is told that is down the hall.A little while latter the pig
leaves.Then a third pig enters and orders and drinks twenty-four beers
and is just about to leave when the bartender asks "hey,aren't you going
to ask where the bathroom is?." and the pig says "No,I'm the pig that
goes wee-wee all the way home
---
(Q) So, what is the East German nation gonna put on their new flag??
(A) ...... A suitcase.
Down in cajun country, a deputy sheriff went to the house of the
old man whose wife was missing, and said to him "I have some good
news and some bad news for you. Which would you like to hear
first?"
The old man replied "Give me the bad news first"
"Well," said the deputy, "we just found your wife in the river,
drowned."
The old man broke down and, crying hysterically, walked away from
the deputy to grieve. A few minutes later he hobbled back to the
deputy and asked "If that was the bad news, what's the good news?"
"Well" said the deputy, "when we fished her out of the water, there
were ten, maybe twelve, big blue crabs on her... so we're sending
her back down in the morning"
---
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
bomb; use the stairs.
2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
the gorund.
3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4. Don't attempt communications with dead people; it will only lead to
psychological problems.
5. Food will scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded
wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will
be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully in 'Heavy Fallout' areas; people could be staggering
illegally.
9. Nutritionaly, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
D-DAY.
---
Hear the one 'bout the ax murderer and his two half-brothers.
---
What does a shoplifter take for diarrhea?
- Klepto-Bismal!
What do you get when you spray a box of condoms with laughing gas?
- Glad bags!
---
STRESS
That confusion created
when one's mind
overrides the body's
basic desire to
choke the living shit
out of some asshole who
desperately needs it.
---
Here it is! The Hillbilly's book of medical terminology for the layman.
ARTERY The study of fine paintings
BARIUM What you do when CPR fails
CESARIAN SECTION A district in Rome
COLIC A sheep dog
COMA A punctuation mark
CONGENITAL Friendly
DILATE To live long
FESTER Quicker
G.I. SERIES Baseball games between teams of soldiers
GRIPPE A suitcase
HANGNAIL A coathook
MEDICAL STAFF A doctor's cane
MINOR OPERATION Coal digging
MORBID A higher offer
NITRATE Lower than day rate
ORGANIC Church musician
OUTPATIENT Person who has fainted
POST-OPERATIVE A letter carrier
PROTEIN In favor of young people
SECRETION Hiding anything
SEROLOGY Study of English knighthood
TABLET A small table
TUMOR An extra pair
URINE Opposite of you're out
VARICOSE VEINS Veins which are very close together
BENIGN What you are after you be eight
---
A protestant moved into a completly Catholic comunity. Being good Catholics
they welcomed him to their comunity. But, also because they were good Catholics
they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor, receiving his
paycheck on Fridays, began barbequuing some juicy stake, they began to squirm.
They were so anoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk
they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and
the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said :
You were born Protestant -
You were raised Protestant -
But now you are Catholic.
And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were disturbed
by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They went over to talk
to the new Catholic because he new he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays.
When they saw him, he was sprinlking catchup on the beef saying :
You were born a cow -
You were raised a cow -
But now you are fish.
--
A sign in a Manchester shop above a display for burglar alarms:
"For the man who has everything"
--
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I
born?" "Well honey.." said the slightly prudish parent "the stork brought you
to us" "OH" said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too". "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he
persisted . "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent by
now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write
due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for
three generations."
told by the minister of my church, Dr. James Kennedy
Coral Ridge Presbyterian, Ft. Lauderdale.
--
As told by Diane Sawyer on Prime Time Live last Thursday, from a joke
currently circulating inside the eastern bloc:
What's the difference between the United States and Eastern Eupropean
countries?
The United States still has a communist party.
--
What does Dan Quayle eat for breakfast?
For breakfast, Dan Quayle prefers Vice Crispies.
Assuming they catch Noriega and bring him back for a conviction on the
drug charges, I have the perfect community-service job for him:
Opening mail for Federal judges.
--
Life: n. a fatal, sexually transmitted disease
----
There was a man who fell in love with a beautiful young lady and asked
her to marry him. She says "Be serious Sam. You're fat, you're ugly and
your wardrobe is atrocious." So Sam loses 80 lbs, gets a facelift, and a
hair transplant, joins one of those health clubs and gets tanned and fit.
Then he buys an all new up-to-date wardrobe. Now he goes back to the
girl and says "Now whaddaya think?" She says "What a hunk!" and agrees
to a date. He arrives at her door with a limo. She comes out looking
radiant, her eyes aglow with the promise of a never-to-be- forgotten eve-
ning. Sam has never been happier in his life.
As they walk to the limo lightning strikes him. With his dying words he
says "Why now God? Why now, on the happiest day of my life?" God looks
down and says "Oh. Sorry Sam, didn't recognize you..."
------
How dis Linda Lovelace's grandmother die?
She went down on the Titanic!
---
'Twas an hour before closing, and all through the bar
Everyone was waiting and watching afar
To sit there and wait, night after night
Just to see the strings leave without a fight.
With the bartender ready to close out the drawer
Everyone was stirring and it was really a bore
Those strings tried every night without fail
To get served in this bar, but to no avail.
When all of a sudden there was such a breeze
As the front door blew open, the three strings wheezed
"Now listen! Do you hear! You're serving us tonight!"
"And we're not leaving this time, until it's done right!"
The bartender looked shocked but shouted right back
"You get out of here now! We won't serve you! Now scat!"
The strings didn't budge, but they continued to wheeze
Then slammed the front door to block off the breeze.
"Now look here bartender" said string number one.
"We're just out looking for some innocent fun
We just want a drink, no matter how small
Then we'll be off to our yearly frayed knot ball."
The bartender stopped and thought for a while
Thinking how could he be just so terribly vile
As to not let three strings have one drink each
And his eyes softened and his cheeks turned peach.
"Come up to the bar, strings" he said somewhat wily.
And the strings started to approach all looking smiley.
They thought, at last, we're going to be served!
This night in history, they said, must be preserved!
One barstool, two barstools, three and four!
So many to choose from - who could ask for more!
They all grabbed a stool near the bartenders spot
And he grabbed down three glasses to give them a shot.
He grabbed a fine bottle of whiskey from the wall
All nice and aged and the bottle was tall
The strings, all excited, at their first bar drink
started wondering what all their friends would think!
They looked at the bartender and started to say
Thank you, kind sir, for serving us today.
But just as they were about to speak,
the bartender turned and said "Naw, maybe next week".
We Three Strings:
We three strings with frayed knots are, trying to get served in a bar
We have travelled far and near, looking for ice cold beer
Oh Oh, bar of wonder, bar of "lite", won't you please serve us tonight
We have travelled far and near, looking for some ice cold beer
Jingle Strings:
We are strings we are strings, even though we're frayed
we are trying very hard, to get served drinks today
We are strings, we are strings, even though we're frayed
Won't you please serve us today, and we'll be on on way
Silent Strings:
Frayed strings, frayed strinks, all we want, is some cold drinks
Won't you please serve us tonight, if you don't we won't likely fight,
But it would be so nice, if you'd serve us drinks tonight.
White Strings:
Strings dreaming of a cold drink, just like the ones they used to get.
When the bars stayed open all night, and strings got served just right.
---
How to tell that it's a Canadian
--------------------------------
1. The second most common reason Canadians change jobs is to take a
position with more responsibility, challenge and potential. The first
is a better dental plan.
2. There are four seasons in Canada: cold, colder, coldest and
has-anyone-found-an-ear.
3. The dream of every ambitious young Canadian is to grow up and have
a job in the civil service with an indexed pension.
4. A swimming pool to a Canadian is something your mother tells you
not to walk on because the ice may not be as thick as it looks.
5. The funniest three words in the Canadian language are "Toronto
Maple Leafs".
6. Some Canadians speak French; they are called Quebeckers. Some
speak English; they are called Anglos. Some speak French and English;
they're called showoffs.
7. A Canadian newspaper is one with "unemployment" featured in at
least one headline on page 1.
8. Canada has 3000 miles (the metric police will get me.....) of
unguarded border, and then there's Quebec.
9. A rocker in Canada is somebody trying to get his car out of a
snowbank.
10. Distance means nothing to Canadians thanks to the new metric road
signs.
11. Canada has it's own Gong Show on TV. It's called Question Period.
12. Finally, Canadians buy more insurance than Americans. That means
while the Yanks have a higher standard of living, we have a higher
standard of death.
---
A kid says to his mother. "Mommy I gotta go pee!" His mother tells him
it's rude to say PEE and he should say 'Sing' instead.
One night the kid wakes up his grandpa and says "Grandpa, I gotta Sing"
His grandpa says, not now you'll wake up the neighbours. He says okay
and goes back to bed. The kid comes back in 5 minutes and says "Granpa I
really gotta go sing BADLY!" His granpa says "No you'll wake up the
neighbours! The kid comes back in another 5 minutes and says "I really,
really gotta go badly! I gotta sing!"
His granpa says "Okay, Okay, but quietly in my ear"
---
Last year I got my wife a gift that left her speechless. In fact, she
didn't speak to me for three weeks.
Sign on a well-established laundry and dry-cleaning store:
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
Stealth bomber technology is trickling down to the average person.
Soon you'll be able to buy a car that can come home late undetected.
What doyou call a guy who misses ten car payments? A pedestrian.
We just moved into a new house, and I have a big problem. I can't
find the box marked "Kids".
An adult is someone who has stopped growing at the ends but not in the
middle.
I have a kid in college who thinks he's being independent when he
buys his own 25-cent stamp so he can write home for money.
I'm beginning to think my kids are getting a little too comfortable
with today's electronic gadgets. Yesterday my son tried to use the
remote control from the VCR to change my mind.
I'm proud of how many kids i've managed to put through college. We
have my dentist's kids, and of course my lawyer's kids......
I don't know what to think. I taught my kid everything I know and
he still acts stupid.
A weary minister returned home and explained to his wife that he
had spent all day trying to convince people that it was the duty of
the rich to help the poor. "Were you successful?" his wife asked.
"Half successful," he answered. "I convinced the poor."
Don't drink and drive. And with all the oil spills that have
occurred lately, don't swim and smoke.
My favorite football team got off to a bad start, and it never got
any better. When the players finally won their first game and
carried the coach off the field, they fumbled him.
I was a 97-pound weakling, and bullies would always kick sand in my
face. Eventually I decided to get even. I kicked sand in the face
of an 87-pound weakling.
---
A magician earned his keep on a cruise ship by performing shows for
vacationers. He had a parrot that was always ruining his act,
saying in the middle of a trick, "The card is up his sleve," or "He
had the bird in his pocket," or "He slipped it through a hole in
the hat." One day the ship sank, and the magician and parrot found
themselves together, floating along on a small raft in the middle
of the ocean. For three days the parrot just sat silently and
stared at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot
said, "Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
While gazing at dinosaur fossils in New Mexico, a tourist asked a
guide how old the bones were. "These happen to be one hundred
million and three years old," said the guide. "How can you be so
exact?" asked the tourist. "Oh, I just have a good memory,"
replied the guide. "An archaeologist came here and told me these
bones were a hundred million years old, and that was exactly three
years ago."
---
A GUY COMES HOME FROM WORK AND SAYS TO HIS WIFE,"I WANT TO F*CK."
SHE REPLIES, "DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT LIKE. LET'S HAVE A CODE. WHENEVER
YOU WANT TO DO THAT SAY YOU'D LIKE TO USE THE WASHING MACHINE, AND I'LL
KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN."
THE NEXT NIGHT THE GUY COMES HOME FROM WORK, HAS DINNER AND SAYS,"I WANT
TO USE THE WASHING MACHINE." SHE REPLIES,"NOT TONIGHT, I HAVE A
HEADACHE."
THE NEXT NIGHT HE COMES HOME, HAS DINNER AND SAYS,"I WANT TO USE THE
WASHING MACHINE." SHE SAYS,"NOT TONIGHT, I'M TOO TIRED."
THIS GOES ON FOR SOME TIME.
THE NEXT NIGHT THE GUY COMES HOME, HAS DINNER AND GOES STRAIGHT TO BED.
THE NEXT MORNING THE WIFE ASKS,"DIDN'T YOU WANT TO USE THE WASHING
MACHINE LAST NIGHT?"
HE REPLIES,"NO, IT WAS A LIGHT LOAD, I DID IT BY HAND."
---
How did Billy Martin die?
He slid into home
How did Billy Martin get buried?
four umpires went by the grave site and kick dirt on the casket
What did Bucky Dent say about Billy Martin's death?
I'll manage
---
Three men were scheduled to be executed by guillotine. The first
was an Italian. They called his name, read his sentence, and brought
him to the guillotine. The executioner pulled the cord, raised the
blade, and let it drop. Screeeeeep... it was rusty and it stopped a
third of the way down. Okay, said the judge, we have only one chance to
get you. By sheer luck, you may go free. So the Italian said, `Ah,
Mama Mia, I thank God, I live!'
The second convict, an Irish man, was brought to the guillotine
next. The blade was raised again, and this time it stopped half way
down. `We get only one chance to take your life, and this is it. So
you are a free man,' the executioner announced. `Thank you, thank you
St. Patrick,' the Irishman said, and ran away joyfully.
The last of the three was a Polish man. The took his arm to lead
him to the guillotine. But he yelled and he fought. `Oh, no,' he said.
`You're not going to put me in that thing and it doesn't even work.'
---
There was a black man who was working day labor at a construction
site. He fell of the 50th floor and was killed. The police were trying
to find out his identity so they could inform his next of kin, but no
one knew his name. Finally some other workers said to go ask these two
Polish guys that he always went and drank beer with after work. So the
police found the two Polish guys, and they asked him about the man.
`Do you know his name?' the police asked.
`Nope. He never said,' they replied.
`Any idea where he lived?'
`Not at all,' they answered.
`Did he have any family that you know of?'
`He never mentioned any.'
`Well then,' the officer continued, `can you at least think of
anything special about him that might help us identify him?'
After thinking about it a while, one of them answered, `Yes, as a
matter of fact, he had two assholes.'
`Two assholes?' the officer asked. `How do you know that?'
`Well,' said the other Polish guy, `we used to go out to this
tavern for beer after work. And one day as we came in the door, I heard
the bartender say: Here comes that nigger with the two assholes again.'
---
What do you call a woman who's lost 90% of her intelligence?
(A widow)
---
A man walked into a brothel and said he wanted
a girl. "Harry, grease up linda!" the madam
yelled up the stairs. "That'll be a hundred
bucks," she told the customer.
"That's a little too steep for me," he admitted.
"Harry, grease up Mary!" the madam shouted.
"She's fifty bucks."
"Can't afford her, either," the man said sadly.
"Harry, grease up Sophie!" The madam
turned hopefully to her customer. "Twenty-five
dollars?"
"Sorry," he said, hanging his head.
"Well, how much do you have?"
"Two bucks."
"Harry," she ordered, "grease up!"
---
What's the difference between a Seventh Avenue
garment buyer and a pit bull?
Jewelry.
---
As he conducted his investigation of a deadly
five-car accident, Detective Cook spotted a monkey
sitting on the hood of a wrecked car. When
he was ready to leave, he put the animal in his car
and drove toward the county zoo. "I wish you
could tell me what happened back there," the cop
mused. The monkey nodded its head. "OK, what
happened?" Cook asked. The monkey raised its
hands to its mouth in a drinking motion. "So they
were drinking. Is that all?" The monkey shook its
head and brought its hands to its mouth, pretending
to smoke. "So they were drinking and smoking.
Is that all?" The monkey shook its head and
brought its hands together in a f**k**g motion.
"Ah, they were drinking, smoking and f**k**g,"
Cook said. "And what the hell were you doing?"
The monkey raised its hands in a driving motion
and craned its neck over its shoulder.
---
Insiders report the real reason Exxon suspended
its operation in Alaska was so that it could begin
the cleanup of its service-station rest rooms.
---
One night, an angel walked into a bar and
approached three men on barstools. To the first, the
angel said, "If you believe in me enough to give
me twenty dollars, I can promise you everlasting
life."
"I'm an atheist and don't believe in angels," he
said, getting up to leave.
The angel made the same offer to the second
man. "Well," the fellow said, scratching his chin,
"I'm an agnostic and I'm not sure if I believe in
you or not, but here's twenty dollars."
The angel then walked up to the third man.
"I'm Jim Bakker and I heard your offer," he said.
"I don't care whether you're an angel or not--just
show me the trick with the agnostic and I'll give
you fifty bucks.
---
Why don't masochists drink?
It dulls the pain.
---
While sitting in the vet's waiting room with his
cat, a man saw a woman walk in with a very handsome
golden retriever.
"That's a beautiful animal, and so frisky," he
said to her. "He can;t be sick. What's he here for, a
shot?"
"No, not a shot," she said.
"He's sick? What's wrong with him?"
"He has syphilis."
"Syphilis? how did he get syphilis?"
"Well, he says he got it off a tree."
---
Whataya get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
....... A giant cock that will reach out and touch someone.....
---
Well there was this French Foreign Legion company that had just
gotten in a new commanding officer, who was being shown around the
post by the 1st Sergeant... They came to a stable full of horses
and and one camel. Says the new CO:
"What's the camel for??"
Says the NCO, somewhat embarrassed:
"Um, well, sir, it's a bit, ah, lonely out here, so when the men
get, eh, well, that is... horny...they use the camel to...
"Aha, I see. No problem, Sergeant. Let's go on."
Some time later, it turns out the CO is a bit horny, and that camel
is beginning to sound like a fairly good idea for a remote outpost.
He fights the temptation for a while, but gradually succumbs to it;
after all, the Sergeant *has* said that's what it was for. So he
goes down to the camel's stall late one night -- he's a bit shy --
and drops his pants, and... um, you get the idea, right??
A few minutes later, after he has finished up with the camel, and
his heart has quit pounding, and he is just pulling up his pants,
he hears a noise behind him. Turning around, he sees the Sergeant
staring at him widemouthed. He's very disconcerted, but puts on a
brave air, and says:
"Well, what's up?? Isn't this what the men use the camel for?"
"No sir, they usually just ride her into the next town, where
there's a whorehouse."
---
Fellow is getting a divorce from his wife, who is a bit of a...
gosh, I hate to say it... *TROLLOP* .... He hires a detective to
document some of the infidelities, and when she takes the stand,
his lawyer is ready with this question:
"Is it true that on the ninth of Dec, 1988, you had sex with a
circus midget on the handlebars of a motorcycle driven at high
speed by a trained monkey on the upper deck of the George
Washington bridge?"
Naturally, you could hear a pin drop in the courtromm, and the wife
is having a tough time -- turns bright red, stammers, clears her
throat several times -- and finally says in a tiny little voice:
"What was that date again?"
---
"I gave up bowling for sex. The balls are lighter and you don't
have to change your shoes."
---
A traveling salesman in the most rural part of Oklahoma sees
a boy screwing a huge jackrabbit. A while later he spies a
bearded codger, about 85 sitting on a fence playing with himself.
He pulls over and says to the old timer, "You Okies are something
else. First I see a kid screwing a rabbit, and now I see you with
your pecker in your hand."
"What do you want?" says the old guy. "You think I can catch
jackrabbits at my age?"
---
One day, a colored guy was strolling down the beach when he found
a bottle. He rubbed it, a genie came out and granted him 3
wishes. First, he said, I want to be a millionaire. *POOF* He
was a millionaire. I'm no fool thought the guy, I wish I was
white! *POOF* He was white. For my last wish, I never want to go
to work again in my life. **POOF** He was black again.
---
Q. Why do blacks call white people honkies?
A. Because it's the last noise they hear before being run over!
---
Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing " 69 " ?
A. Odor eaters......
---
After eating dinner, this family of tomatoes decided to go for a
walk. While walking, the baby tomato fell behind, and the rest of
the family waited for him. Then they continued on their walk. A
little while after that, they noticed that the baby tomato had
fallen behind again, and again they waited. After he rejoined
them, they continued, but again he fell behind. By this time the
father tomato had had enough, and walked back to the little
tomato, and smash him on the head and screamed.
CATCH UP!
---
Several Europeans sat at the bar, discussing the relative merits of their
native languages.
The Englishman said, "Surely nothing can compare with the grace and elegance of
the English language! For example, what could be more appropriate than the
English word for that beautiful creature, the butterfly?"
The Frenchman disagreed, "But of a certainty, the Fran?ais is more poetic, no?
What could compare with 'papillon' ?"
The Italian demurred, "Ah, si, the francese is sweet, but how could it be
better than 'farfalla' ?"
The Spaniard declared, "Perdon, but the best must be 'mariposa'."
The German asked, "So, vat's wrong mit 'schmetterling' ?"
---
What goes HO HO HO, Thump Thump ?
Santa Clause laughing his balls off.
---
What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?
Your Mother!
---
What is Billy Martin doing now?
Managing the Angels.
How did Billy Martin feel about not being name the 1990 manager of the
Yankees?
He was crushed.
What do the NY Mets and Billy Martin have in common?
They began their slide late in the season and died during the drive
What did Billy Martin get for Christmas?
Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Thurman Munso & Roger Maris
---
One Sunday afternoon, a bunch of guys were sitting around the clubhouse
after playing a good round of golf earlier. This golfer walks in with a
small guy standing on his shoulder playing a piano!! All of the people
in the clubhouse looked at him oddly and one guy had the courage to ask
him where he got the small man from. The guy answers, "Well, it was
like this: I was out playing a round of golf when I got to the 9th
hole. I looked over into the water hazard and saw this bottle floating
on the surface. I went over and picked the bottle out of the water and
opened the cork. Much to my surprise, this genie pops out and is
willing to grant me 3 wishes. For my first wish, I asked for a Rolls
Royce and the genie replied that it was in the parking lot of the golf
club. For my second wish, I asked for a beautiful wife and the genie
replied that she was waiting at his house. For my third wish ... And
this is where the problem started" The other guys "were all too
interested and wondered what went wrong." The guy says, "If you ever
run into this situation, then speak very CLEARLY, because for my third
wish, I sure didn't ask for a 10 inch pianist".
---
When Billy Martin died, it was all over the radio (...and dashboard,
windshield....)
When did Billy Martin die?
Bottom of the fifth!
---
The Game of 20 Questions -- POLISH Style:
4. The term "Spread Eagle" refers to an extinct bird.
5. A Fallopian Tube is part of a television.
6. It is dangerous to have a wet dream under an
electric blanket.
7. Copulation is sex between two consenting policemen.
9. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
10. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
11. Fellatio is a type of Italian dagger.
12. A G-String is a weapon used by G-Men.
13. Semen is a term for sailors.
14. Anus is a Greek word denoting a period of time.
15. Testicles are found on an octopus.
16. Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages.
17. Asphalt is a medical term used to describe someone with
rectal problems.
18. KOTEX is a radio station in Dallas, Texas.
19. Masturbate is something used to catch large fish.
20. Coitus is a musical instrament.
21. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
22. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
23. A condom is an apartment complex.
24. A rectum is what you are for taking this test.
Q. Why are Polish jokes so short?
A. So Italians can understand them.
Q. How do you trap an Italian?
A. Slam the toilet seat on his head when he's getting a drink of
water.
Q. What's the difference between a monkey and an Italian?
A. Italians have more fleas.
---
Mike Murphy was visiting a Sultan a few years ago, and late one
night, he became rather horny, so, being a typical one-brain-cell
thinker, he decided to visit the camel enclosure and satisfy
himself there. He found a bucket to stand on, and had managed to
get a good start on his problem, when the camel kicked the bucket
away. Mike managed to hang onto the camel's tail and retain his
position, but he could make no further progress.
Just then, into the corral walked a fine looking dancing girl from
the Sultan's harem. Seeing Mikee hanging there, she ran her fingers
through her hair, shook her shoulderrs and seductively wiggled her
hips. Then she said:
"Hey, Big Boy, is there anything *I* can do for you?"
Mike looked down and replied:
"Yes, will you put that bucket back under my feet?"
---
Q: What three types of injury are blacks immune to?
A: A sunburn, a black eye, and a fat lip.
---
The English Colonel was wrapping up his speech to the regiment:
"I was born an Englishman, I have served as an Englishman,
and by Heaven I shall die an Englishman!!!".
A Scot at the back piped up:
"Wha's th' matterrr, mon? Ha' ye noo ambition?"
---
Double meaning traffic signs
SLOW CHILDREN --do we really need to point them out.
DEER CROSSING --catholic deer
SLOW MEN WORKING --the children have grown up
CURVE AHEAD --only one
BEAR CROSSING --this could be interesting
LOW FLYING AIRCRAFT --if they're this low they're lost
or I'm on the runway
SLIPPERY WHEN WET --thee way it should be
ONE WAY --not very inventive
SOFT SHOULDER --yes, just what we're looking for
---
There were these three men on a navy ship: Pierre, George, and and
John. George was married and had two kids, Pierre was engaged to a
wonderful girl in Montreal, but John was not engaged or anything due
largely to his indecisiveness.
As luck would have it, there was an accident and the ship sunk leaving
only Pierre, George and John as survivors. They ended up stranded on
a deserted island for FIVE years.
One day, a bottle washed up on shore. They hurriedly opened it, and
out popped a genie.
Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes, but since there are
three of you, I'll grant you each one wish.
Pierre: Well, before I was stranded here I was engaged to a beautiful
girl in Montreal five years ago. I wish I was with her in a
romantic cafe on the main boulevard.
Genie: Granted!
Pierre then found himself in the cafe with his stunningly beautiful fiance
who hadn't been married or given up on him in the 5 years he was missing.
[You can really tell that this is a story, eh? :)]
George: Wow! Well I wish I was back in Toronto having a meal with
my wife and children!
This was no sooner said when George found himself at supper with his wife
and children.
Now it was John's turn to make his wish, but as was usual with him, he had
a hard time deciding what he wanted.
John: Well, I'd like, um, I want, Oh, I'm just so confused. I wish
that those other two guys were back here to help me out!
Genie: Granted!
---
What were Billy Martin's last words?
Not "Turn Right" damn it, I said "BUD LIGHT"!!!
---
A young Scottish soldier marched briskly into the apothecary's shop.
Holding aloft a tattered and torn condom, he enquired, "Sirrr, hoo
much t' haaave this replaced?" The apothecary considered for a
moment and replied, "Thaaat'll be thruppence." The soldier nodded.
"I see," he said, "and, Sirrr, hoo much t' haaave it reparrred?"
The apothecary studied the worn-out condom. "Thaaat'll be t'uppence,"
he said. Again the soldier nodded. "I thank ye," he said, and left.
Some time later, the soldier came back to the shop and announced,
"Sirrr, the regiment voted to haaave it reparrred."
---
I don't want to say his girl friend was young,
but she had a Fisher-Price diaphragm.
His girl was so young that she had edible pampers.
---
Q. Why don't Aggie's make love?
A. Because he keeps waiting for the swelling to go down.
Q. How can you tell when a Aggie has been using your computer?
A. By the 'white-out' on the screen.
---
What did the constipated mathematician do to relieve his
misery?
He worked it out with his pencil.
---
Once there was little boy who was half black and half Jewish.
One night at the dinner table, the little boy asked his father,
"Am I more black or more Jewish?" The father replied, "What
difference does it make?" The boy replied, "Billy down the
street, offered to sell me his bike for $30. I don't know whether
to offer him $15 or steal it after dark!"
---
The white guy finds the bottle...3 wishes...(you know the rest)...
...for his third and final wish, he is thinking about his sexual prowess
and says to the genie, " I want to be hung like a black man!"
Your wish is my command, replied the genie.
He looks down at his pants, and nothing is happening...
Suddendly there is a knock at the door...
It is 3 klansmen and a rope...
---
Bush and Gorbachev are bragging about the loyalty of their bodyguards.
Bush says to Gorbachev, "Watch this!" and orders his bodyguard to run up
to the window and jump out. The bodyguard gets a running start, goes
right up to the window and stops. He turns to Bush and says, "Please,
Mr. President. For the sake of my wife and children!" Bush says, "Oh,
Okay, just forget about it. Then, Gorbachev turns to Bush and says,
"Well watch this!" and orders HIS bodyguard to jump. The guy runs up to
the window and is ready to jump, but Bush grabs hold of him and says,
"Stop! It's okay, since my bodyguard didn't do it, you don't have to
either." The bodyguard turns to Bush and says, "No. Please, Mr.
President! For the sake of my wife and children!
---
Q: How do you stop five black guys from raping a white girl?
A: Throw them a basketball.
---
Many years ago, in the days of Kings and Queens, the royal carridge
had four square wheels. As the King and Queen travelled, they
were constantly bumped and bumped. Even the heaviest of pillows
couldn't soften the blow on long journeys.
Exasperated, the King called in the Royal Blacksmith and told
him to invent a new wheel. He explained that every time the wheel
turned once, he and his wife, the Queen, were bumped four times,
and it was just no good.
Before leaving the Blacksmith, the King added that he wanted the
new wheels within two days, or he would have the Blacksmith's head.
Well, the Blacksmith was very nervous. He didn't like the idea
of losing his head, but he just couldn't think how he was going
to solve the problem. He thought and he thought and .......
Two days later, the King appears, and asks if the job has been
completed. "Yes, your majesty, ", exclaims the Blacksmith, "I've
redesigned the wheel to the shape of a triangle. See, there's
one less bump!"
---
An Irishman, a Frenchman, and a Pole walk into a bar.
The Irishman orders a WW.
"What's a WW?" askes the bartender.
"A whiskey and water," he explains.
The Frenchman orders next, and politely requests an RW.
"What's that?"
"A red wine," he explains.
The Pole thinks a bit, and finally leans across the bar to ask
for a fifteen.
"What the hell is that?" asks the bealeaguered bartender.
"A seven and seven," answers the Pole.
---
What's the difference between Beer Nuts & Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts go fer 2.95... Deer nuts are undera Buck ! (ha ha)
---
An older man and women had been meeting at the park for many months,
and they felt that it was time to consumate their relationship. So
the next day he met her at her apartment.
As they were undressing, she mentioned, to the slightly hearing impaired
gentlemen, "I want to let you know that I have acute angina."
"That's good",he responded," 'cause your tits are quite ugly."
---
Did you hear about the two Aggies who were found frozen to death at the
drive-in theater?
They had gone to see "Closed For The Season".
---
Then there is the one about two Aggies who were going to fly to the Sun.
When told they would burn up from the tremendous heat, they said no.
They were going to go at night!
---
Q. Why is a Newfie's piss yellow?
A. So that he knows if he is coming or going.
---
Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination
were taken by an old priest in to a luxurious room, told to strip and
then tie a small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl
entered the room, and one bell ding-a-linged furiously. "To the
showers, Fogarty!" barked the old priest.
Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling,
ding-a-ling.
"Sorry about that, O'Brian. The showers for you, too."
Finally alone with the naked lovely girl, the remaining seminarian
watched as the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow
remained calm and the bell silent.
"Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone!" the priest exulted.
"You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers."
DING-A-LING.
---
Q: Define WASP
A: Someone who gets out of the shower to take a leak.
---
I'm sure by now you guys have heard of the new car introduced in
Miami a few days ago.... Called the Noriega... It comes in
Manuel and semi-automatic.....
---
Why does a Scotsman fry his bacon in Tide detergent....
To stop it from shrinking....
---
Q: What did the victim say to the cop as the thief was running away?
A: CESIUM!
When people die you have to BARIUM!
At the end of a science experiment you have to clean the zinc.
He asked the doctor to HELIUM.
(Well, sulfur, so good...)
Don't hit Nick or NICKEL hit you back.
When the man was rescued after two days in the snow, they had to
THORIUM out.
John opened his mouth near a beehive and got his TUNGSTEN.
As the lisping salesman said of the customer,
"PROMETHIUM anything, but give him nothing..."
After the funeral, the coffin was placed in the KRYPTON the right side
of the church...
---
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down
in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a
stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove,
and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my
first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove
is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticably outraged and
stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to
his nurse, "Dammit all!!! I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"
^^^^
---
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful
that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The
Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people
think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife
should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis
ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
---
What do you call a nun who becomes a transvestite?
A tran-sister!
---
And what about the guy who escaped from the insane
asylum only to be caught in a whorehouse. The headlines
the next day said:
"NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS!"
---
Jesus saves - Gretzky scores on the rebound
" " - but Moses invests!
" " - Green Stamps.
" " - at the 1st National Savings Bank.
---
What do Marilyn Quayle and Marion Berry (mayor of Washington,
DC) have in common?
A: They both like to blow a little dope!
---
WHY DO PROSTITUTES HAVE ZIP CODES TATOOED ON THEIR BELLIES?
TO MAKE THE MALE COME FASTER.
---
This man and woman are sitting in an old age home and the man says to
the woman, "I'll betcha can't tell how old I am!"
So the woman opens up the man's zipper, feels around at the man's
privates and announces, "83"!
The old guy is amazed and says "Hey, how'd did you know that?"
And the woman says, "You told me yesterday."
---
Anyway here's a couple in the A Man with no arms and no legs(AMWNAANL)
What do you call AMWNAANL helping to change a tire
JACK
What do you call (WDYC) AMWNAANL with a Bullet proof skull?
Helmut
WDYC AMWNAANL Stealing cattle
Russell
WDYC AMWNAANL on drugs?
HY
WDYC AMWNAANL selling drugs?
Rich
WDYC AMWNAANL on mediocre drugs?
Buzz
WDYC AMWNAANL on Jamaican drugs?
Herb
---
What is the difference between Mono and herpes?
You catch mono when you snatch a kiss !
How can you tell if you're overweight?
If you step on you're dog's tail and it dies!
Why does Miss Piggy douche with Vinegar and honey?
Because Kermit likes Sweet and Sour Pork !
---
Say this five times fast: "One smart fellow, he felt smart; Two smart
fellows they felt smart; Three smart fellows they all felt smart
together.
---
How did the Dead Baby Cross the Road?
- Stapled to the Chickens Back!
Whats worse that Three Dead babies in one trashcan?
- One dead baby in Three trashcans....
---
A man found a genie in a bottle, and his wish was to be between the legs
of the most beatiful woman in the world. With a flash he was transformed
into a Kotex.
---
His face was flushed
....but he was saved by his broad shoulders.
---
Do you know the difference between a proctologist and a bartender?
The proctologists see them only one at a time!
---
What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
---
Radio-active cats have 18 half-lives.
---
A guy went to a bordello but only had a couple of bucks, so the madam
gave him a chicken, and he went to work. The next evening, he had a
few more bucks, so the madam told him she had a special treat. She
took him to a room where a group of men were watching through a
two-way mirror at a man with a goose. They were laughing and poking
fun at the man, and they first guy said, "I don't see what's so
funny!" Another man turned and said, "Well, you should have been
here last night and seen the guy with the chicken!"
---
*********************** BLACK *****************************
When I was born.............I was black.
When I grow up..............I'm black.
When I'm ill................I'm black.
When I go out in the sun....I'm black.
When I'm cold...............I'm black.
When I die..................I'm black.
But you -
When you're born.................You're pink,
When you grow up.................You're white.
When you're ill..................You're green.
When you go out in the sun.......You go red.
When you're cold.................You go blue.
When you die.....................You're purple.
AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL ME COLOURED.
------------------------------------------------------------
two guys walk into a bar - one is very handsome, and obviously
quite well off; the other is loud, obnoxious and a general jerk
to everyone he encounters.
the bartender asks the first man - "What are you hanging
around with HIM for?"
the man replies, "well - i found this bottle on the beach;
when i opened it, a genie appeared and said he'd grant me three
wishes.
"my first wish was to be the best looking man in the world.
and now i am.
"my second wish was to be the richest man in the world. now i
lend Michael Jackson money.
"my third wish was to have the world's biggest prick; that's
when HE showed up..."
---
A Carrot Couple were strolling down the street when the Wife Carrot was
hit by a Truck... Rushed to the hospital and taken to the emergency
room. When the Doctor finally came out the husband carrot ASKED HOW SHE
WAS...
"Well I got some good news and some bad news"
" The Good news is.. Your Wife will live but the Bad news is she
willbe a Vegetable the rest of her life"
---
Farmer Brown got an irate call one night from Farmer Jones. "Brown,
your boy has been up here pissing in the snow!" Farmer Brown was
a bit surprised, but replied, "Well, how do you know it was him?"
Jones came back, "Because it's his name that's spelled out." Farmer
Brown was still not convinced anything was wrong. "Gee, Jones, I
don't see anything wrong with that." This really outraged Farmer
Jones. "Consarn it, Brown, don't you think I know my own
daughter's handwriting when I see it?"
---
"Doctor, it's my husband -- I think he needs psychiatric help."
"Why, what seems to be the trouble?"
"Well, he pees in the swimming pool."
"Look, Mrs. Jones, EVERYONE pees in a swimming pool!"
"Yeah, but from the HIGH DIVE?!?"
---
Recursion: adj.; see recursion.
---
What is smorplay?
That's what Smurfs do before they smuck.
What is the definition of EGG HEAD
That's what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humty Dumpty!!!!!
---
What's the most popular bra size in St. Petersburg?
Thirty-eight long.
---
Remember the songs:
"Love Is A Long and Slender Thing"
"Let Me Crawl You Sweetheart"
"I'm In the Nude For Love"
"Put Your Leg on my Shoulder"
"Come To Me My Melon-Headed Collie"
"Be My Lunch"
---
An elderly man walked into the church and took
a seat in a confessional.
"Father," he said, "I am making love twice a day
to an eighteen-year-old girl."
"Mr. Solomon, you're Jewish," the priest replied.
"Why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"
---
"Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the
bartender. "I just got the shock of my life. I
caught my wife srewing my best friend."
"Paul, that's awful. What did you do?"
"I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent
him to bed with no Kibbles N Bits."
---
William Safire's Rules for Writers:
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.
---
How do you get a One Armed Moron out of a Tree?
Wave to him!
---
Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
They're both f*cking close to water!
---
Dyslexics have more fnu.
---
George Bush has been in office just 1 year and already they have
his wife's picture on the dollar bill!
---
There were these two peanuts walking down the street and one was
assaulted.
---
The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was
reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to
come with him to his room. There, he place his arm around her.
"Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.
"Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her.
"Did he do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.
"Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and
fingered her bush.
"Yes, Father, and worse."
By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl
down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he
asked,"Did he manage to do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.
When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked,"He did this too,
and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"
"Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me
gonorrhea."
---
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a
famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups
and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other
sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he
exercised all day.
Stanley said,"Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when
the right time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter,
and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were
released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead
of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back
with all his migh. "Go back! Go Back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
---
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the
time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call
the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the
house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the
husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on
the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar" she whispered back, there ain't nothing in the whole
wide world could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you
and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out
of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he
finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she
tapped him on the shouldeer nad beckoned him over again. Again he pulled
a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight
times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first
pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hiar, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for
Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
---
What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a
Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman!
---
"Mommy, mommy, I hate Jimmy's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's on your plate..."
"Mommy, mommy, I don't WANT to go to Europe!"
"Shut up and keep swimming..."
---
Little Eddie was bent over his desk when the teacher came up and
asked him, "Eddie, what are you doing?"
Eddie said, "I'm drawing a picture of God."
"But Eddie," the teacher said, "nobody knows what God looks like."
"They will when I get finished!"
---
Dolly Parton and Princess Di died, and both of them arrived at
the Pearly Gates simultaneously.
St. Peter told them, "Our computer is down right now, so we can
only take one person right now. You must show me which one of
you is best qualified to enter Heaven".
Dolly opened her blouse and said "How about *THESE*!?!"
"Oh, WOW!", said St. Peter, "that's really impressive". "Can you
compete with this?", he asked Lady Di.
Lady Di lifted up her skirt, squatted, and douched!
"OK, welcome to Heaven Lady Di!", said St. Peter.
Dolly was taken back aghast, "But what about *THESE*???", she
said.
St. Peter replied "Everyone knows a royal flush beats a pair."
---
Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw recently:
I married a nun; nun in the morning; nun at night...
---
"Mommy, mommy, I hate running around in the same circles!"
"Shut up, or I'll nail your OTHER foot to the floor!"
---
bumper sticker
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence
---
Arriving home early one afternoon, a man
found his wife lying naked in the bedroom.
Gazing around, he spotted a pair of bare feet
protruding from under the curtains.
"Who the h**l are you?" he yelled as he
whipped the curtains back.
"I'm from the Government," replied the quick-witted
man. "I'm a moth inspector."
"Oh, yeah? What are you doing stark-naked?"
"Oh, my God!" he exclaimed, glancing down.
"I'm too late."
---
What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.
---
Mikhail Gorbachev woke up one morning feeling
great. He walked to his window, saw the sun
coming up and crowed, "Good morning, sun!"
As he turned away, he was startled to hear a
great, booming voice say, "Good morning, Comrade.
Good morning to you and the great Union
of Soviet Socialist Republics."
Gorbachev quickly woke Raisa and his closest
aides, took them to the window and said, "Good
morning, Comrade sun."
Again the voice boomed, "Good morning,
Comrade. Good morning to you and to the rest
of the glorious party."
Gorbachev sat down to his day's work, convinced
he was destiny's child. Later, as the sun was
setting, he walked to the window and said,
"Good evening to you, Comrade sun." When no
response came, he repeated the salutation again
and again, growing increasingly impatient with
the silence. "Sun! I'm talking to you!" he
suddenly screamed.
"F**k you, a**h*le! the voice thundered back.
"I'm in the West now!"
---
What are three words you dread the most while making love?"
"Honey, I'm home."
---
On his honeymoon, an elderly man turned to
his young bride, complaining, "Darling, you're
gonna kill me. How can I tell if I'm having an
or**sm or a heart attack?"
"That's easy," she responded. "If you grab your
chest, it's a heart attack; if you grab mine, it's
an or**sm."
---
Just a few more questions," the Postal Service
interviewer told the job applicant. "Are you a
veteran?"
"Yes, sir."
"Did you see action?"
"Yes, sir. Vietnam."
"Were you ever wounded?"
"Yes, sir Got my testicles shot off."
"Oh, in that case," the interveiwer said,
"there's no need to go on. You've got the job. We
start here at eight o'clock, but you can come in at
ten."
"If everyone else comes in at eight, why should
I come in at ten?"
"Because we stand around and scratch our
b**ls for two hours.
---
You know you're having a bad day when the
town nymphomaniac tells you she likes you, but
just as a friend.
---
As the woman was instructing the new maid on
the great care required in handling certain
valuable household objects, she pointed to the
dining room and said with obvious satisfaction,
"That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."
"Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My
whole living-room set goes back to Sears the
fifteenth."
---
What do Brooklyn and panty hose have in common?
Flatbush.
---
An attractive woman walked into an elevator in
a Manhattan office building and found herself
alone with Donald Trump. As the elevator began
to rise, she turned to him and said, "You know,
Mr. Trump, if I push this red button, the elevator
will stop and I could kneel down and give you the
best d*mn b**w job you've ever had."
"I'm sure you could," trump said, "but what's in
it for me?"
---
Impure Mathematics
-------------------
Wherein is related how that polygon of womanly virtue, young Polly
Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that notorious villain **
Curly Pi **, and factored (Oh horror!).
Once upon a time (1/T) pretty Polly Nomial was strolling
across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a
singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother
had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an
array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed
her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly
behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was
insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements. Rows
and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached her
surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two
branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She
oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went
completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped
over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged
headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more,
she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean
space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator
Curly Pi was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her
curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face.
He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate
improperly at once. Hearing a common fraction behind her, polly
rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series
extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerative conic and
dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Arcsinh!", she gasped.
"Ho ho", he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you
have. I can see your angles have a lot of secs."
"Oh sir", she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't
got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear", said our suave operator, "Your
fears are purely imaginary."
"I,I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal, but
homologous."
"What order are you?" the brute demanded. "Sevtenteen",
replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly, "I'm
absolutely convergent."
"Come, come", said Curly Pi. "Let's off to a decimal
place and I'll take you to the limit." "Never!", gasped Polly.
"Abscissa!", he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His
patience was gone. Coshing her over the head with a log until she
was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at
her significant places, and began smooting out her points of
inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only
hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her
convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator.
Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He
integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After
he cofactored, he performed Runge-cutta on her. The complex beast
even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly
went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis, then
exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly returned that night to her point of origin,
her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous,
but had been truncated in several places. It was too late to
differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator
increased monotonically. Finally, she went to L'Hopital and
generated a small but pathological function which left surds all
over the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of this sad story is this:
'If you want to keep your expressions convergent,
never allow them a single degree of freedom...'
---
The teacher instructed the class to draw a picture from something in the
Bible. As she walked around the room, she noticed one child drawing a
picture of a car with 3 faces in it.
"What part of the bible is that from?" she asked.
"Oh, that's God driving Adam and Eve out of Eden".
---
Why can't girls drink beer on the beach?
- 'Cause they'd get sand in their Schlitz!
---
Four women were sitting around talking.
First woman says, "My son, he wears a black skull cap
and black cossack. When he walks into a room all the people
get up and say, 'Oh, my Father!'".
Second woman says, "So? My son, he wears a red skull
cap and red cossack. When he walks into a room all the
people get up and say, 'Oh, my Reverence!'".
Third woman says, "Ach! My son, he wears a white skull
cap and white cossack. When he walks into a room all the
people get up and say, 'Oh, my Holiness!'".
The fourth woman says, "That's nothing. My son, he is
5'2" tall and 442 pounds. When he walks into a room all the
people get up and say, 'Oh, my GOD!'".
---
What do you get when you cross a Centipede with a Turkey?
I don't know either but at thanksgiving Everyone got a Leg!
----
There was this little kid in grade 2 whose name was Johnny.
He went to school with grade 2's. (!) Anyway, every Monday,
after school the teacher would ask the student's in Johnny's
class some trivia questions; if they answered the questions
correctly, the teacher promised them that they wouldn't have
to go to school for the rest of the week.
One Monday, the teacher asked the students:
"What is the chemical symbol for Potassium"
Since the kids were only in gr. 2, they didn't even
know what potassium was. The next Monday, the teacher asked:
"In what year did Mt. St. Helen's first explode?"
Of course, the students didn't answer. Johnny was
getting kind of peeved with these kind of questions. The
next Monday, Johnny brought a pair black squash balls
to school with him. Just as the teacher was about to ask
the weekly question, Johnny rolled the marbles toward the
front of the room. The teacher, not seeing him, got agitated
and said "Alright, whose the comedian with the 2 black
balls?"
Johnny, just a-laughing answered "Bill Cosby, See ya
next week!"
---
Do you know what you get if you take all the oil Exxon produced in
1989 and lay it out in a strip a mile wide?
The current world situation......
---
Did you hear that the Vice President got some good news and some bad
news the other day?
Seems a national magazine rated his overall performance in office and
he got all C's and D's....
The good news is that that's better than he ever did in college!
---
Did you hear that the off-broadway production of Annie II folded?
Seems it got so bad, they had to eat the dog!
---
Seems they're making a movie about Jim and Tammy Bakker....
Bernadette Peters is going to play the lovely Tammy Fae.
The movie is scheduled to start filming in June, so that means that
Bernadette will start going into makeup next week!
---
What's the difference between Michael Dukakis and Walter Mondale?
Walter Mondale had more than one suit!
---
What's the difference between Larry Bird and Charles Stuart?
Larry jumps before he shoots!
By the way did you
hear what he gasped to the police with his dying breath as they pulled him
from the water?
"Did you catch that Black guy that pushed me?"
---
Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race.
Newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to
win the race.
Reporter:
Pierre, you were favored to win todays Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile,
this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why then did you finish
dead last, your fans are shocked.
Pierre:
Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there
was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Suzzette
was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy.
She was calling to me, saying, "Pierre, I am yours when you finish the
race." This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting
uncomfortable.
The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was standing on the
bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts,
saying, "these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre." I was
now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I
swam on.
The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on.
She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, "I am yours when
you finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad." This was it, I was now
stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, I was so sad to let
down my fans. I didn't know what to do.
Reporter:
But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?
Pierre:
Ah, but what about the bridges???
---
What did Carol Stuart say when she learned she was pregnant?
This I need like a hole in the head!
---
For those who are Doing The Planning!
The Creation
In the beginning was the PLAN
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without Form
And the Plan was COMPLETELY without substance
And the darkness was upon the faces of the Privates
And they spake unto their Chief Warrant Officers, Saying:
"It is a CROCK of S**T, And It Stinketh"
And the Chief Warrant Officers went unto their Divisional Officers,
And Sayeth:
"It is a pail of DUNG, and None may abide the Odour Thereof!"
And the Divisional Officers went unto their Second in Command, and
Sayeth unto Him:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very STRONG!"
And the Second in Command went unto His Commanding Officer, and
Sayeth unto Him:
"It is a vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength"
And the Commanding Officer went unto His General, And Sayeth:
"It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very strong"
And the General went unto the Chief of Defense Staff and Sayeth:
"It Promoteth Growth, and it is very Powerful"
And the Chief of Defense Staff went unto the Deputy Minister,
And Sayeth Unto Him:
"This Powerful New Plan will Actively Promote the Growth
and Efficiency of the Department, and this area in Particular"
And the Deputy Minister looked upon the Plan,
And Saw the it was GOOD, And the Plan Became
POLICY
---
Whats the worst thing about a colostomy bag?
Finding shoes to match.
---
Did you know that you can get AIDS from a toilet seat?
Only if you sit down before the guy ahead of you gets up!
---
What do you call a liberal who's been mugged?
A conservative!
---
How many Denver Bronco's does it take to fix a flat tire?
One, but it takes the whole team for a blow-out.
---
REAL MEN DON'T HAVE FLOPPY DISKS
---
It was the Feast of St. Somethingorother, patron saint of ladies of
the evening, and the King decided he would hold a contest to determine
which of his vassals had the strongest -ahem- weapon.
Well, the first knight tied a 5 pound weight to his -ahAnd
the men cheered! <hurrah!> And the band played inspiring music! <da
da dee da da...>
The second knight tied a 10 pound weight to his -ahem- weapon.
And lo, it did rise! And the women swooned! <ohhhh...> And the men
cheered! <hurrah!> And the band played inspiring music! <da da dee
da da...>
The third knight shrugged, and tied a 15 pound weight to his
-ahem- weapon. And lo, it did rise! And the women swooned! <ohhhh...>
And the men cheered! <hurrah!> And the band played inspiring music!
<da da dee da da...>
The king then stood and declared, "These are mighty deeds,
but the King is still the King, and We still have the mightiest weapon
in the land!" And the King tied a THIRTY pound weight to his -ahem-
weapon. And lo, it did rise! And the women swooned! <ohhhh...> And
the men cheered! <hurrah!> And the band played God Save The Queen!
---
Stanalwaski Needed a Job and so he went down to the Job employment
agency and they found one for him... Putting the white lines down the
center of the roads! So the first day he Painted 10 miles and his
forman was real impressed! The second day he painted only 5 miles so
his Forman though he had a bad day but the third day he only did 1
mile... So the forman went up to stanalwaski to see what the problem
was...
"Well Sir, It be Further Back to Bucket each time!"
---
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think!
---
There once was a woman from Sydney
Who could take it in up to her kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn't he?
---
One evening, a little boy greets his father after work, and
notices a condom fall out of the pocket as the man takes off his
coat. Dear old dad doesn't notice until the child opens the
packet and examines the device close-up.
"Daddy, what's this for?" he asks innocently.
"Er, um, that's to keep my cigarettes dry when it's raining
out! Yeah." The boy is satisfied with the explanation and goes
about his buisness.
A week goes by, and the kid remembers that tomorrow is his
father's birthday. He scrimps up as much change as he can and
heads for the Five & Ten shop, looking for a gift. The first
thing he notices is a condom display rack. Excitedly, he
approaches a clerk.
"Miss, are those Trojans over there?" he asks excitedly.
"Um, yes they are, little boy..." the clerk answers unsurely.
"I wanna buy a box!" he proudly announces.
"Yes, of course. And what size will that be?"
"I don't care, as long as they're big enough to fit a Camel! "
---
A bald guy was talking to a friend. He said his wife had
been kidding him that his bald head felt just like her
ass. The friend reached out and rubbed his head, nodded wisely
and said, "You know, she's right!"
---
"There are some things I like about you, but I can't put my
fingers on them..."
---
There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head
Claimed they looked like hares from a distance.
---
Similar story deals with the two Ukrainians (Canadian version
of Polack) who had hired on at the telephone company. The foreman sent
them out into the pole yard to see how high the poles stacked there
were. After they had been gone for 15 minutes, he went out to see
what was causing the delay. One of them was holding a pole upright
in his arms, while his parter was up the pole in his climbing irons,
with a measuring tape in has hands. "What the hell are you two doing?
he asked. "Measure them on the ground!" The guy holding the pole turned
and said, "You said measure how high, not how long!"
---
Two Ukrainians went hunting. One accidentally shot the other. The
shootee rushed the shot to the hospital and watched while they
wheeled his friend into the O.R. Ten minutes later the doctor
came out peeling off is gloves and shaking his head. Our friend
Worriedly asked, "He not make it Doctor?" The doctor said his
friend was dead. "Anything I should of done?" asked the shooter.
"Well," replied the doctor, "if that ever happens to you again,
for goodness sake, don't gut him!"
---
Did ya hear about the distraught Polish secretary? She thought her
typewriter was pregnant because it kept missing periods....
---
Bumper stickers on taxis: Kamakazis do it once.
Signs with one letter missing:
At a car wash - "_OUCHLESS CAR WASH SYSTEM"
At a Wendy's -"NOW HIRING FULL TIME _LOSERS"
Other signs:
On an asphalt truck - "LET US FILL YOUR CRACK"
At an office - "ACE EXTERMINATING - WE KILL BUGS DEAD
WALK-IN'S WELCOME"
At a muffler shop - "NO MUFF TOO TOUGH FOR US"
At a garden shop - "WE NOW HAVE KRICKET KRAP"
On a gov't issue car - "FULTON COUNTY DISASTER COORDINATOR"
---
So this sweet little old Jewish lady is walking down the street
when she's suddenly accosted by a flasher -- the man jumps in
front of her and whips open his coat!
The lady stops, peers forward intently, and sniffs "Hah! You
call that a LINING?!?"
---
Why did the Polish Government buy 1000 septic tanks?
Because when they learn to drive them they will invade Russia.
---
Whats a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period!
---
What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian!!
A man went into a drug store and asked for some liniment.
"Walk this way" said the clerk. The man said: "If I could
walk that way, I wouldn't need the liniment"!
A man went into a drug store and asked the clerk: "Do you
have cotton balls?" "No you idiot!", said the clerk,
"What do you think I am, a rag doll?"!
---
So you want the day off. Let's look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per
year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days
avaiable for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work,
you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30
minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year,
leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day,
you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for
work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves
you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per
year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously
give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for
work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!
---
What do you call a man that is 5'1" tall, can predict the future
and has recently robbed a bank and is being sought by the authorities?
A small medium at large ...
---
I just found out why I feel tired all of the time.
We just made a survey and found that I was doing more than my hsare
of the world's work.
The population of the country is 160 million, but there are 62
million over 60 years of age. That leaves 98 million to do the work.
People under 21 years of age total 54 million which leaves 44 million to
do the work.
Then there are 21 million who are employed by the government and
that leaves 23 million to do the work. Ten million are in the Armed
Forces. That leaves 13 million to do the work. Now deduct 12,800,000,
the number in state and city offices and that leaves 200,000 to do the
work. There are 126,000 in hospitals insane asylums, and so forth, and
that leaves 74,000 people to do the work.
But 62,000 of these refuse to work, so that leaves 12,000 to do the
work. Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in
jail, so that just leaves TWO people to all the work and that's YOU and
ME and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!!!
---
I understand that Dan Quayle was opposed to
the sub-minimum "training" wage George Bush
is pushing until he found out that it
wouldn't apply to him...
---
a young man who was prematurely bald went to a barber for a trim. during
the course of the short haircut the young man asked if there was a
dependable hair restorer. the barber gave him the advice that
stimulation of the scalp was best accomplished by rubbing the scalp
against his wife's snatch three or four times a day for fifteen minutes
each 24 hour period. the man left and about one year later a hairy
monster comes into the barber shop and says, "hey there. remember me?"
the barber says,"pull the hair away so i can see your face."
the guy spreads the hair so his face can be seen and says," i am
the guy you told to rub my head on my wife's pussy to stimulate hair
growth. it really works good."
the barber twirled the tip of his 16 inch mustache between his
thumb and forefinger and answered, "you're telling me?"
---
How long is a Hair on a Rabbit?
About 10 seconds.
---
Three fags driving in a car, they stop at a red light and are
rammed by an 18 wheeler. the fag who's driving looks at the other
two and ask " Are you fellas alright?" The other fags hold his
neck and says " My neck is sore." So the fag who's driving gets
out of the car and walks bac to the truck, pounds on the door and
yells " My boyfriend is hurt, I hope you have good insurance!"
The truck driver rolls down the window and says "Suck my fucking
dick you faggot!" The fag races back to his car and says "We're
in luck fellas, he wants to settle out of court"
---
Why did the WASP cross the road?
-- To get to the middle.
How can you tell a male WASP is sexually excited?
-- By the stiff upper lip.
What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan?
-- I don't know... but whatever it is, it won't let
you in ITS cage!
Why do Polish people have such beautiful noses?
-- They're handpicked.
---
WE were in Geology Class (About 300 people) and on Final Exam the
teacher called for the Exam Papers. Well 5 minutes later, sure enuff, a
Student Came Down with his Exam Paper and tried to turn it it. Well of
course the Teacher Said he couldn't Accept it! Well the student asked
the teacher "do you know me?" The teacher replied "No" And so the
student then lifted up the Stack of Exam Papers and insterted his Exam
and walked away.
---
I'm sure everyone has heard about the Chapter 11 filing by Drexel
Burnham recently. Late news has it that Merrill Lynch is coming to the
rescue and will buy Drexel.
The name of the new firm will be Lynch'em and Burnham.
---
'Twas the Pig Fair last September.
The day I well remember
I was walking up and down in drunken pride..
When My knees began to flutter,
So I sat down in the gutter..
When a Pig came up and lay down by my side.
As I was sitting in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I could not utter..
I thought I heard a passing lady say:
"You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses."
And with that the pig got up and walked away.
---
"Pushing 40 is Exercise Enough"
---
Here are some jobs I used to have:
I used to work in a bank,but then I lost interest.
I used to be a lumberjack,but then I got the axe.
I used to be a carpenter,but then I got bored.
I used to be a tennis instructor,but it wasn't my racket.
I used to work for H + R Block,but it was too taxing.
I used to work for the Miller Beer company,but then I got canned.
I used to be a taxi driver,but I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a pimp,but then I got laid off.
---
My favorite college joke is about the lad from the hills of
Kentucky who won a scholarship to MIT. In familiarizing himself
with the campus, he was walking across the quad and stopped an
upperclassman to ask, ""Scuse me, can you tell me whar the
liberry is at?" The upperclassman drew himself up to his full
height and haughtily told the lad he was attanding the most prestigious
engineering school in the world and that they prided themselevs
on being able to communicate properly as well. He said they NEVER
ended a sentence with a preposition and asked if the lad would
like to rephrase his question. The kid looked him up and down and
said, "Shore, can you tell me whar the liberry is at, a**hole."
---
Dermatologist--one who makes rash statements.
Orthopodist--A doctor who gets all the breaks.
Pediatrician--a man with little patients.
Astronaut--Whirled traveler.
Skydiver--a guy whose talks fall flat.
Carpenter--a guy who nails down his agreement.
Soviet spy-dancer--a ballet ruse
Harpist--a plucky musician.
---
"What are you doing that for?", Bill asked, looking at his friend
Tyrone. The large, muscular negro had just finished using a urinal and
before zipping up, banged his cock against the side of the receptacle
three times.
"You oughta try it," Tyrone explained as he zipped up, "it'll make your
dick bigger." Bill scoffed politely. "Naw man, I mean it. Come on,
just humor me: every morning when you get up and take a leak, bang your
dick against the toilet three times. I'll bet you anything it works."
Sceptical but good natured, Bill agrees to try his friend's advice. The
next morning, he pulls himself out of bed, urinates, and beats his pud
against the toilet. Every morning for two weeks he performs this
procedure, and upon close inspection, he realizes his cock is indeed
almost half an inch longer.
From then on, he enthusiastically performs this task. One morning,
however, the banging noise rouses his wife from sleep in the next room.
"Tyrone, is that you?" she asks.
---
I used to make capacitors, but was discharged.
I used to work in a cardboard factory, but felt too boxed in.
---
This new guy in town was visiting a local pub when he noticed a strange
looking machine next to the bar. The bartender told him it is a piss
analysis machine. The new guy wanted to try it out. He pissed in
the machine and threw in a loonie. 10 seconds later, the machine spat
out a card that says "You need glasses".
"This is bullshit! How can the machine tell if I need glasses from
my piss?"
He decided to give it another try. So he went home, collected piss
from his wife, his daughter and his dog and mixed it all up. Then,
he added couple drops of Quaker State from his car and finally, as
good measure, he jerked off into the brine.
The next day, he went back to the pub. He poured the solution into
the machine and inserted anotehr loonie. This time, the machine struggled
and took almost 5 minutes to come up with an answer.
"Your dog has flees, you wife is dating a Latin lover, your daughter
is pregnant by a Haitian drug user, your car is about to blow up and
if you don't stop jerking off, you'll go blind."
---
What do you call an Italian astronaut???
a specimen..
---
A man was walking down the street dragging his left foot behind
him. Coming in the opposite direction he saw a man walking
toward him who also was dragging one of his feet behind him as
he walked. AS the two men met, the first one say, Vietnam
1969. The second one said, Dog shit...a half block behind me.
---
I had a job lined up as a chimney sweep, but it fell through.
I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the
right type for the job.
Then the offer I had to work for RJ Reynolds went up in smoke.
I was a trapeze artist for a while, but then I was let go.
I applied for a job as a telemarketer but didn't get the call.
She wanted to work as a hooker, but she didn't have it in her.
---
What's smurf sex?
-Scr*wing until you're blue in the face.
---
What kind of dog has four legs and one arm?
-- A Pit Bull!
---
What's the difference between Erotic and Kinky?
-- With Erotic, you use a feather...
for Kinky, you use the entire chicken!
---
How many Broncos does it take to change a flat tire?
TWO unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.
Why can't John Elway park in his own driveway?
Someone put a goalpost up over his garage.
Did you hear that the Broncos are moving
to the Phillipines? They're going
to change their name to the
Manila Folders...
---
Why don't polish women give good head?
Because they can't get their lips all the way over the guy's ears
---
What's the best defense against rape?
Beat off the attacker.
---
This guy goes into a bar with his dog and sits at the bar and
says "I'll have a gin and tonic." And his dog, Fido, pipes up and
says, "I'll have a lite beer." Well, the bartender turns to the guy
and says "Listen, if you're gonna have your dog sit at the bar, get
outta here and take him across the street to Sam's -- he'll serve
anybody."
The guy gets a little upset and says, "But, Fido's a talking dog
-- You can serve him!" "Listen", says the bartender, "if you're
gonna pull the old 'talking-dog/ventriquilist' trick, take it across
the street."
"Well", the guy says, "listen, I'll prove it to ya. I'll go
downstairs to the bathroom, and while I'm gone, ask my dog what he
wants." So the guy heads to the john and when he's gone the
bartender turns to the dog and says, "Ok, Fido, what do you want?"
And the dog answers, "I said, I'll have a lite beer!"
The bartender is flabbergasted and says, "Wow, I din't realize --
tell ya what, here's $10. Go across to Sam's, sit at the bar, ask
him for a lite beer, and spit it out and say you like our's better."
So the dog takes the money and heads out across the street.
The guy comes back from the bathroom and exclaims, "Hey, where's
my dog?!?". "Relax", says the bartender, "I gave him $10 and sent
him over to Sam's as a practical joke." "I don't know if you should
have done that", says the guy and he heads out of the bar. As he's
crossing the street, he see the dog screwing a nice looking female.
Taken aback, the owner says, "Fido, I've never seen you do that
before!"
And Fido answers, "Hey -- I've never had $10 before!"
---
A young missionary was sent on his first assignment with a tribe
of cannibals. When he arrived the tribal chieftan welcomed him and
they soon got into a conversation.
"Have you ever been exposed to religion before?" asked the
missionary.
"Just a taste" was the reply, "from the last missionary".
---
Why don't JAPS get aids?
Cause they marry assholes, they don't screw them.
---
Hear about the father of the leper?
He gave away his daughter's hand in marriage.
---
Or.... the Travelling Salesman was weekending in a small town
whose single industry was the manufacture of coin operated
machines. It was very quiet on Saturday night so he asked the
desk clerk if there was anything going on in town. "No," replied
the clerk, "but the factory has a demo room that's open all the
time. They have some new machines there and you can try them
out." The T/S went to the factopry and found a number of
interesting machines in operation. One large one had a small
hole in the front of it and was labled, "YOUR WIFE AWAY FROM
HOME". He thought this an excellent idea, so opened his fly,
stuck his member into the hole and inserted a dollar bill. There
was immdeiate and noisy operating inside the machine and when he
withdrew his member, there was a button sewn on the end of it!
---
Teacher: Class, can anyone tell me where the Great Lakes are? Luigi?
Luigi: Upper U.S. !
Teacher: Oh Luigi, I'm taking you to the principal's office.
---
Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor daughter a dress;
When she got there the cubbard was bare and so was her daughter, I guess.
Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor dog a bone; When she
bent over rover came over and gave her a bone of his own.
---
Once there was a Russian who had a pen-pal who lived in Africa.
They had written each other letters for about 2 years, when the
African sent a letter to his Russian friend announcing his plans
to come to Russia and visit him. The Russian, who always wanted
to meet his African friend, prepared a tour for his friend.
After meeting him at the airport, the Russian took the African on
a tour of Moscow. When they approached Red Square, the African
saw a circle of men standing around passing something around, and
asked "What's going on down there?". The Russian said "That's
our national game of Russian Roulette". The African asked "How
is it played?" The Russian said "Well, let's go watch them..."
They went down and watched as each Russian in turn took a six-
shooter from his neighbor, spun the cylinder, placed the muzzle
to his head, and pulled the trigger. The African said "What's
the game about?" The Russian explained "One of the chambers is
loaded. If you land on the loaded chamber, you are dead." The
African says "Interesting.... Simple, yet elegant. I like
it..."
As the African was about to leave for home, they made plans for
the Russian to visit his African friend in his home village.
The Next Year....
The Russian travels to his African friend's home village, and is
greeted warmly. The African is all excited. He says "Remember
that neat game you showed me called Russian Roulette? We have
invented our own version, called African Roulette..." The
Russian asked "How is it different?" The African says "Well,
let's go watch and I'll show you."
They go to the center of the village and find the following
scene:
In the center of the village, there are 20 naked men walking
around a circle. Inside the circle, there are 20 naked women.
An old man to the side is beating on a drum.
The Russian says "OK, what's going to happen now?" The African
replies "See the man with the drum? When he quits beating it,
each man get's a blowjob from the woman in front of him..." The
Russian says "Where's the fun of that?!?" The African replies
slyly "One of the girls is a Cannibal!!!"
---
NOTICE: INCOME TAX BULLETIN--------
For married and single men for 1989. The only thing you don't pay on
is your pecker. Because 80% of the time it is unemployed, 10% of the time it
is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of all that it has
two dependents and they are both nuts.
If swimming is good for your figure,
Why do whales look the way they do?
---
An unemployed stripper begged her agent to
find her work. He cautioned her that the only job
available was at a longshoremen's convention--
typically a rough gig. Because she was broke, she
took the job anyway.
That evening, the agent walked into the hall
just as the stripper began her act. Before long,
the unruly crowd began pelting her with crushed
beer cans and cigarette butts while shouting
obscenities, issuing lewd catcalls and trying to
manhandle her. Halfway through her performance,
she ran off stage, sobbing.
"Look, they don't mean anything by it," the
agent said consolingly. "They've just had too
much to drink and----"
"No, no it's not them!" she exclaimed. "Did you
hear that f***ing band?"
---
Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a
walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a
storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing
the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men
looked around in amazement.
"What do you suppose is going on?" one asked.
"Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is
that the Cubs went to the series."
---
Two doctors were putting on the ninth green
when one collapsed from a heart attack. "Help
me," he groaned to his companion.
"Sorry, my malpractice insurance won't cover
it," his partner replied, walking off the green,
"but I'll get help."
A few minutes later, he returned, picked up his
club and began lining up hit putt. The man on
the ground raised his head and screamed in
Disbelief, "I'm dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry. I found a doctor on the second
hole who said he'd come and help."
"The second hole? When the hell is he coming?"
"Hey, I told you not to worry," he said, stroking
his put. "They're going to let him play through."
---
Why did the Siamese twins go to England?
So the other one could drive for a while.
---
A newly captured lion was taken to Rome and
placed in a cage in the Colosseum. From his
window, the newcomer could see fellow loins
engaging in bloody combat with gladiators and
pursuing Christians under the blazing sun.
Finally, the battered lions were returned to
their cages. "Wow," the newcomer said, "I
thought this job would be a snap."
"Oh, the work's pretty tough," a grizzled old
lion answered, "but the prophets can be good."
---
What did Dan Quayle say when Mrs. Quayle blew
softly in his ear?
"Thanks for the refill."
---
After a brief absence, a nurse returned to her
station and was quickly pulled aside by one of
her colleagues. "Shirley, your breast is out of your
uniform!"
"Oh, s**t," the rumpled nurse replied,
glancing down. "Don't those damn doctors ever put
anything away?"
---
After a late night out with the boys, the man
undressed and slipped into bed with his wife. "Are
you awake honey?" he whispered. When he got
no response, he kissed her on the lips. "Hon, you
awake?" Still no response. He kissed her on both
breasts. "Hon, wake up." He kissed her on the
belly. She didn't move. Then he kissed her on
the knee.
"You son of a b**ch!" she shrieked, bolting
upright. "If my p***y had been a bar, you wouldn't
have missed it!
---
Heard about Zsa Zsa's new fragrance?
It's called Conviction and you just slap it on.
---
Husband and wife were enjoying some horizontal recreation.
Husband stopped and asked wife. "Did I hurt you?" She replied.
"No, why?" He responded, "You moved!"
Wife tells husband that if he doesn't smarten up she'll cut him
off. He asked, "How you gonna do that? You don't even know where
I'm getting it!"
Guy asks friend if friend talks to his wife during sex. Other guy
responds, "Sure, if she happens to call!"
Guy asks friend, "Does your organ burn after you've had sex?"
Friend responds, "Don't know, never enjoyed sex enough to try and
light it!"
---
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the
bathtub?
The woman in church has hope in her soul...
---
It was the 8th annual mouse convention and mice from near and far
had gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by
the stag line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to
himself. Turning to another male mouse he said, "Look at the legs
on that mouse, aren't they sexy?'
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You crazy," said the first mouse and then turned to another,
asked his opinion.
"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
about."
"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.
"Now you," he said to the fourth mouse, what do you think of
them?"
"To tell the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs,
I'm a titmouse myself."
---
A young couple got married and after all the festivities the new
groom made one request of his new wife. He told her he wanted
to designate a drawer in his bureau to be his PRIVATE DOMAIN.
She was to respect his privacy and never venture into this sacred
place of his. Well she was agreeable to this and went on to live
a long and happy life together.
After about 45 years of this marital bliss the husband became
seriously ill, hospitalized, and not expected to survive long.
The wife sitting at home, waiting to go for a visit, decided
this may be her last opportunity to unlock the secret of his
private door so he opened it up. Inside she found 3 golf balls
and 5000 dollars in cash. Later at the hospital she confessed
to her dying husband of her curiosty and asked him to explain the
contents. Well, he said, whenever I cheated on you I put a
golfball in the drawer. She thought about that fora minute and
figured considering they had 45 happy years, she could forgive
3 indescretions. She then asked of the 5000 dollars.
Oh that, he said, every time I got a dozen balls I sold them.
---
Two guys stop on a bridge to relieve themselves. As they are
standing there, the first guy said "Hey, this water is cold."
The other guy replied, "Yeah, and deep too."
---
Two neighbors were discussing gardening one afternoon. The lady
from next door remarked, "My but you have such a nice blush on
your tomatoes, how do you do it?" The gentleman farmer replied,
"Oh, its easy. Every morning before I get dressed, I walk out to
my garden in my bathrobe and flash them. You should give that a
try."
A few weeks later the two neighbors were again talking about
gardening, when the man asked, "By the way, how are your tomatoes
doing? Do they have a nice blush yet?" "No," answered the woman,
"they are the same as before. But now my cucumbers are a foot
long!"
---
Or the gal who wanted a unique pet for a gift for her husband, and
bought the Crunch-Bird that the pet store clerk recommended. Why?
Well, the clerk had demonstrated.... "Crunch-Bird - CHAIR!" Whereupon
the Crunch Bird reduced the chair to sawdust with his powerful beak.
Then, "Crunch Bird, Table!" Another pile of dust, so she bought it on
the spot. Well, the guy had had a terrible day at work and was in a
lousy mood. His wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, look
what I bought for you today! A Crunch Bird."
To which the grump replied, "Crunch Bird, my ass! Gimme a beer!"
---
Hockey players have Bobby Or-gasms.
---
A woman in Boston hails a taxi and hops in.
Woman: Oh driver, take me to where I can get scrod.
Driver: OK lady, but shouldn't you be using the past perfect?
---
Q: What do you get when you mix vodka and Milk of Magnesia?
A: A Phillips Screwdriver!
---
For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd dog. When
he found out I was Jewish, he bit me! He was a wonderful
watchdog. One evening while I was being held up, he watched.
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I wanted to
be different, so I called my dog "Sex." I found out that "Sex"
is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex out for a walk
and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for the dog. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley
at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case
comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license and I told the
clerk - "I would like to have a license for Sex." He said, "I
would like to have one, too." Then I said, "but this is a dog,"
and he said that he didn't care how she looked. Then I said,
"You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old." He
said, "you must have been a very strong baby."
I told him that when my wife and I seperated I went into court to
fight for custody of the dog and I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex
before I was married," and the Judge said, "Me, too." Then I
told him that after I was married Sex left me and he said, "Me,
too."
When I told him that I once had Sex on TV he said, "Showoff." I
told him that it was a contest and he told me that I should have
sold tickets.
I also told the Judge about the time when the wife and I were on
our honeymoon and we took the dog along. When I checked into the
motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every
room in the motel was for sex. Then I said, "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night," and the clerk said,
"Me, too."
---
The answer is "Toulouse Lautrec"... what's the question?
-- How do your new dentures fit, Gauguin?
---
And then there were the two missionarys, sitting in the pot of hot
water - one despairing, "We didn't even reach them, and all our
work" but the other said, "No, we did some good - look, they are
saying Grace"!
---
Did you hear that Donald Trump is getting into ther cereal business?
The first is a clone of Sugar Pops that he was going to create with
the late Malcolm Forbes called "Sugar Daddies".
The other was in honor of his soon to be "ex" Ivana, called, "You
Ain't Gettin' Nuttin' Honey".
---
3 nuns were riding a tandem bike on their way to a soup kitchen.
They hit a bump and the 1st nun starts giggling. The other two say,
"helping the poor is not funny, so you better stop laughing." So she
did. They kept on riding, and they hit a bigger bump. The 1st nun
starts laughing, and the other two say, "you better stop laughing!" So
she did. As they enter town, the go over a tremendously huge bump, and
the 1st nun starts laughing hysterically. The other two say, "you had
better stop laughing, or we'll have to put the seat back on!"
---
"If we can send one man to the moon, why not all of them?"
---
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still!
"You will pay for eating that apple", God said adamantly!
"I'm glad you got your headlight fixed", she beamed!!
"I've dropped my toothpaste", he said crestfallen.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Don Juan
Don Juan who?
I Don Juan to set the world on fire!
Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards!
Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria!
Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain!
Denial: A river in Egypt!
Buccaneer: The price of corn.
Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater!
"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"
"You mean 'I saw.'"
"Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?"
"What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?"
"A rash of good luck!"
Knock knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
Gee, I didn't know you knew how to yodel.
---
Three guys were having an argument about who was more generously
endowed. Finally, to settle the matter once and for all, they
went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to
unzip their flies.
"Pretty good, huh?" said Mort, whose organ was hanging all the
way down to the fifty-seventh floor.
"I got you beat cold," said Bill, whose member was dangling just
below a window on the forty-ninth.
They looked over at the third guy, who was dancing a curious
sort of jig, jumping from one foot to the other and peering
anxiously over the edge of the observation deck.
"What the hell are you doing, Harry?" they asked.
"Dodging traffic!" he replied.
---
Q: What time of day was Adam born?
A: A little before Eve.
--
Q: When was radio first mentioned in the Bible?
A: When G*d took a rib from Adam and made a loudpeaker.
--
What a good thing Adam had...when he said something, he knew
nobody had said it before.
--
Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"
--
The first Adam-splitting gave us Eve - a force which ingeneous
men of all ages have never gotten under control.
--
Adam was created first - to give him a chance to say something.
---
Why is sex spelled S-E-X?
-It's too hard to spell Uhhhh, Ahhhhhh, and Aieee!!!
---
I say to the doctor, "It seems as I get older, my ears
get bigger!".
The doctor, he say to me, "This is not unusual. All
extremities tend to get larger as we get older.".
I tell the doctor "Well, maybe this is good thing, this
might do something for my weenie!".
The doctor says "You know, the problem with them ears,
is when they get big they get floppy.".
---
Do you know why Scotsman wear kilts??
Answer: Sheep can hear a Zipper a mile away....<sorrry>
---
Went to the psychiatrist, told him "my wife treats me like a dog".
He said "Get off the couch"!.
Went to the doctor, told him I couldn't get it up. He said eat lots and
lots of rye bread. Went to the bakery and asked for 6 loaves of Rye.
The lady behind the counter said "6 loaves, it'll get hard as a rock".
I told her "Make it a dozen".
This is a test that's not as easy as it looks.
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's
sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it illegal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
Why?
8. Two men play 5 games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of
games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by half and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have a
southern exposure. A bear walks by. What color is the bear?
11. If I have 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have 2 US coins totalling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are
the coins?
13. If you have one match and you walk into a room where there is an
oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one
would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die. How many does he have left?
17. How many animals of both sexes did Moses take into the Ark?
18. A clerk in a butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the president's name in 1950?
---
Of course they do,they just don't celebrate
Only one. When he was born.
All the months (kid joke).
Because the beggar is a woman.
Because he is still alive.
six, three for each half
cause he's dead
They did not play with each other.
70
White, it is a polar bear.
Two.
a fifty cent piece and a nickle (one is not a nickle)
The match
Halfway.
1 hour. you take the first now 2nd in 30 min, 3rd in 1 hour
9
none, it was Noah
Meat.
12
The same as is now, George Bush.
---
What is the high point of a bullimics party??
Watching the cake jump out of the girl!
---
Pollock goes into store and ask clerk for a link of Polish Sausage.
The clerk ask him if he is polish and this makes him angry as hell
so he ask the clerk if he would have asked him if he were Italian if
he had ordered Italian sausage. The clerk simply replied that he would
not have asked. The pollock then wanted to know why then did he ask
if he were Polish. The clerk replied "Because this is a hardware store"
---
I used to kiss her on the lips, but now it's all over.
---
Q: What is a Southern virgin?
A: An ugly 10 year old that can run faster than her father!
---
Did you hear about the polish helicopter pilot?
He was cold so he shut the fan off.
What goes VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH?
A pollack trying to go through a blinking red light.
---
What's black on the outside and white on the inside?
Marion Barry's nose!
---
---
Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat
pounced in. Snatching up the kid Momma ran for the mousehole but it was
obvious she wasn't going to make it. Finally in desperation she whipped
around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt
and ran away.
Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to
learn a foreign language!"
---
Is it true that all of the world's problems started when Adam
noticed his "manhood", took one look at Eve, and decided to
turn over a new leaf?
---
It seems that there was a couple who were going at it 69 style and
suddenly the wife let out a fart. The husband who isn't into it to begin
with looks up and says..."Thank God! A breath of fresh air!"
---
There were two brothers by the name of Jones, one was
married and the other one was single. It happened that John's
wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a
kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John
said " Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss,
you must feel terrible. John replied, "Well I am not a bit
sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start to the finish.
Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish and from the
time that I got her. She made water faster than anything. She
had a bad crack and a hole in the front--the hole got larger
every time I used her and she leaked like everything; but here is
what happened."
Four guys asked if they could rent her for the night. I
warned them that she wasn't so hot but they said they would have
a go at her anyhow. The result was that the fools tried to get
into her all at once and it was too much for her and she split
right up the middle. Before Joe could say another word about his
boat, the old lady fainted on the spot.
---
Three men were in a balloon. They got caught in a storm and after
being tossed about, they got lost. When the storm calmed down, they
eventually floated passed a man on the ground. They yelled "Where
are we?" The man replied "You are in a balloon". One of the men in
the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a
lawyer". How can you tell?, the two asked. "It's easy, the
information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless".
---
A new bride, being very pure and innocent was quite nervous about
her honeymoon night. That evening they were staying upstairs from her
mother and wwhen bed time came and her husband took off his shirt
the nervous newlywedd ran down to her mother screaming, "Mother, Mother
his chest is all hairy". Mother calmley replied, "Just go back
upstairs relax and do what he says."
She returned upstairs and her husband removed his pants. She saw
his hairy muscular legs, again she darted downstairs yelling, "mother
Mother, his legs are all bumpy and hairy." "relax", advised her mother,
"just go back upstairs and do what he tells you." Well once again
she returned upstairs only to notice this time that her husband
had lost 1/2 of his left foot in an accident. Down the stairs she ran
screaming "Mother, Mother, he only has a foot and a half."
"wait here, I'll be back in awhile." her mother said.
---
Howcan you tell the bride and groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the clean bowling shirt - she's the
one with the hair under her arms braided!
---
1) There once was a man with blonde hair
who was fucking a girl on the stairs
the banister broke
but he doubled his stroke
and finished her off in mid-air
2) There once was a man from Alberdeen
who invented a jerking machine
on the twenty-fith stroke
the damn thing broke
and beat his balls to a cream
3) There once was a man from New York
who's tool was as dry as a cork
when he attempted to screw
his tool broke in two
and now his tool is a fork
4) the cabin boy, the captian's joy
a cunning little nipper
they stuffed his ass with broken glass
and circumsized the skipper
---
So this Oriental guy goes to the eye-doctor for an examination.
The doctor takes a look and says "You have cataracts, don't you?"
The guy replies, "No, a Rinken Continental!"
---
A king had twin sons. On their fourth birthday, he gave them each
a horse. Each son took extremely good care of his horse and
always bragged to the king how his horse was the best. The
king finally got tired of the arguments and arranged a contest.
The king explained to his sons that there was to be a race. The
sons were to race the horses to the next kingdom. They had to go
directly there with no diversions. The owner of the horse who
arrived last would inherit the kingdom. Well, the race began
and eight hours later the horses had transversed a distance of
a quarter mile when the boys meet a wise man. The wise man
spoke to the boys. The boys mounted the horses and raced as
fast as they could to the next kingdom. What did the wise man
tell the boys to do?
---
Three Athiests were trying to bother a young Baptist minister.
"I think I will move to Nevada," said the first athiest, "only
twenty-five percent of the people there are Baptists."
"No, I think I'd rather live in Colorado," said the second man,
"only ten percent of the people are Baptists."
"Better yet," said the third athiest,"is New Mexico...only five
percent there are Baptists."
"I think the best place for you all is Hades," said the
minister. "There are no Baptists there!"
--
Overheard: "I'm an athiest, thank God!"
--
By the shade of the old apple tree,
That's where she first showed it to me.
It was hairy and black,
And she called it her crack,
But it looked like a manhole to me.......
---
Two mailmen met at the corner of their neighborhood routes. "Ouch!"
complained one. "That dog down the street took another bite out of
my leg." After looking at the bite mark, the other mailman asked,
"Did you put anything on it?" "Nah. He liked it plain!"
---
A newfie gets married one day. He goes home to his mother the next
day and declares that he's getting a divorce. His mother asks him
why and he says "she is a virgin" His mother replies "well I don't
blame you son, if she's not good enough for anybody else she's
certainly not good enough for you.
Did you hear about the newly wed newfies who didn't know the
difference between putty and vasaline?---Their windows fell out!
---
So this Gorilla walks up to a dairy bar and says, "I'd like a
vanilla milk shake, please."
The man at the counter makes one and gives it to him, the
gorilla puts a ten dollar bill on the counter. The man thinking
to himself, "What can a gorilla know about money?", returns 50?
to the gorilla. "You know, we don't get many gorillas here."
"No wonder - at $9.50 a shake!"
---
Murphy's Military Laws:2.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Murphy's Military Laws:4.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with
a map.
Murphy's Military Laws:5.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has
already mined it.
Murphy's Military Laws:6.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the
enemy somebody else to shoot at.
Murphy's Military Laws:7.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more
likely your artillery will shoot short.
Murphy's Military Laws:9.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
Murphy's Military Laws:10.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
Murphy's Military Laws:11.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
Murphy's Military Laws:13.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is
incoming friendly fire.
---
Why did God create women ?
Because sheep can't type.
---
Do you know how to spot a newfie Word Processor? It's the
one with whiteout on the screen.
---
LUMBERJACK SONG
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day,
He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees; I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavat'ry.
On Wednesday I go shoppin',
And have buttered scones for tea.
He cuts down trees; he eats his lunch.
And goes to the lavat'ry.
On Wednesday he goes shoppin',
And has buttered scones tor tea.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing,
And hangs around in bars?
I cut down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels?
Suspenders and a bra?
---
In the garden of Eden laid Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam.
And great was his mirth, for on all of the earth,
There were only two balls and he had 'em.
---
There once was an engineer named Paul,
Who had a hexagonal-shaped ball.
The square of its weight, with his pecker plus eight,
Is his phone number, give him a call.
There once was a young man named McSweeney,
Who spilled some gin on his wienie.
Just to be couth, he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.
---
ROVER
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover,
That I ran over with the mower.
One leg is broken, another is gone,
A third leg is scattered all over the lawn.
There's no need explaining the one remaining,
That's plastered on the kitchen door.
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover,
That I ran over with the mower.
---
Coming home early from work yesterday, I saw a neighbor jogging, nude,
down the street.
I said -- "How long have been doing this nude jogging"
He said -- "Since you came home from work early."
---
Friend of mine walking was supposed to meet a friend in a seedy joint.
Went in, and there were a bunch of guys (including my friend's friend)
shooting up and passing around the needle.
My friend said "Jeez, guys, don't you know that you can get AIDS from
sharing needles?"
One of the guys looks up and says "It's OK - we're all wearing condoms".
---
What's the difference between a Northern girl and a Southern girl?
The Nothern girl says, "Yes you can" and the Southern girl says, "Y'all
can."
---
Little Mike came in from school one day, and asked "Mom, if big
people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats,
why can't big trains have little train"? His mom replies "I don't
know son, why don't you ask you're dad when he gets home".
His dad comes home and Mike asks "dad, if big people can have
little people, and big cats can have little cats,
why can't big trains have little train"? His dad replies, " I don't
know son, but I will try to find out for you".
The following Saturday Mike and his dad are driving to the store,
and they pull into a train station, Mikes dad says " son, do you
remember the question that you asked me the other day"? "Yes " says
Mike. Well why don't you go over and ask the train engineer.
So, Mike goes over and asks the train engineer,"Mr. train engineer,
if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little
cats, why can't big trains have little train"?
The train engineer thinks for a minute and then replies " well son,
I guess it is because big trains always pull out on time.
---
I saw this on a tee shirt yesterday.
Blown by Hugo...but still erect.
---
And why do men marry women?
Because sheep can't cook.
---
How do you get 29 newfies into a small car?
Throw in a can of beans.
---
Did you hear about the girl from Newfoundland who got her little
pills mixed up and took sacharrine every day?
She had the sweetest little baby.....
---
Why did God create women ?
Because sheep can't type.
To give the sheep a rest.
---
---
A reporter went to the most popular Pizza restuarant to find out how
the chef makes such good pizza.
"So how do you do it?", said the reporter.
"Easy, the secret is in the dough. Watcha me.", said the chef as he
takes off his shirt, exposing his hairy, sweaty chest. He then takes
some dough and rubbed it on his chest and rubbed and rubbed and molded
and molded and it turned into a big pizza. Adding some tomato sauce and
cheese and baking it turned it into a pizza.
Tasting the pizza, the reported commented, "It's deliciaoso, but isn't
it kinka of unsanitary?"
"What do you mean unsanitary?", yelled the chef, as he waved his
favourite Italian hand gesture, "if you think this is not clean, you
should see how I make the donuts on my other job!!!"
---
Which reminds me of a good story I heard recently. A cemetery grounds-
keeper was strolling through the grounds when he noticed a man kneeling
by a grave marker. Getting closer, the keeper heard the man crying out
"Oh why did you have to leave me in all this pain and agony!?" The Keeper
trying to console the man said, "The loss of a loved one will soon pass."
The man replied, "Hey, I never knew the guy." The Keeper asked, "Who is
it that you anguish over then?" The man replied, "It's my wife's first
husband!".
---
Why don't Government employees look out the
window in the morning?
They wouldn't have anything to do in the afternoon!
Q) Why don't govt. employees use payphones?
A) Because they can't put you on hold!
---
Why had a Polish guy in jail 12 bumps on his head????
He tried to hang himself on a rubber-band!!!!
--
Why do Italian men wear mustaches????
They want to look like their mothers!!!
---
How can you put all 92 patrons of Happy Land in a car?
2 in fron, 3 in back and 87 in the ash tray
Why was the owner of happy land fined?
Because all of his patrons were smoking
What did the DA say when he found out Julio Gonzalez burned down
Happy Land killing 87 hondurians?
Setting fire is a serious offense
---
A man walks into confession.
MAN: Forgive me father for I have sinned.
PRIEST: What is your problem young man?
MAN: I have a wonderful family. I would never do anything to hurt them
but I met a lady over the weekend at an office party and we made love.
The priest then gives the man a pennance and tells him not to do it
again. The man comes in the next week.
MAN: Forgive me father for I have sinned!
PRIEST: What now!?!?!
MAN: I have a beautiful wife, two wonderful kids and I wouldn't do
anything to ever hurt them but I can't stay away from this woman! She's
5'6", blond hair, blue eyes, wonderful personality, and a great body!
The priest gives the man a pennance and tells him not to do it
again. The man comes in the next week.
MAN: Father, I have sinned again!
PRIEST: I've heard enough! Tell this woman it's over!
MAN: If I see her, I'll make love to her. Can you talk to her? She'll
be in tomorrow for church! She's 5'6", blond hair, blue eyes, pretty
face and a killer body!
The priest reluctantly agrees to talk to her.
PRIEST: What is her name?
MAN: Pussy Green.
The next day at services, the priest looks for her. No one seems
to fit the description. Just as he's about to start, a beautiful woman
enters who fits the discreption. He doesn't want to go up to her right
off. She sits in the front pew. The priest leans over to an alter boy
who knows everyone in the church.
PRIEST: Excuse me son, is that Pussy Green?
The alter boy crouches down to look and says:
ALTER BOY: Na, Father. That's just a light commin' t'rough the stained
glass winda'.
---
How about the old lady that went into the furniture store and asked for a
"sexual sofa". The salesman said, "Excuse me, but I think you mean a
*sectional* sofa."
"Sectional shmectional! All I want is an occasional piece in the living
room!"
---
---
Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair!
---
What happens when a Keebler Elf throws up?
He tosses his cookies!
---
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
Said fucking is one thing I do know.
All women are fine, and sheep are devine,
But llamas are numero uno.
There once was a girl named Anheiser,
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
Pabst took a chance, found a Shlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
A Rabbi who lived in Peru,
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said,"Oye Vey! If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you."
---
Adam, speaking to God one day asked him why he made Eve so
beautiful. God said "So you will love her". Adam thinks on this
a minute and says "Well then why did you make her so stupid!".
God said "So she would love you!".
---
XXII
???? ?? III
VII
Use toothpicks or matches to form the above figure. Now by moving one
stick on the right hand side make the equation true. NOTE: YOU CAN
NOT CHANGE THE EQUAL SIGN.
---
Japanese visitor goes to a bank in Britain just as it opens and asks to
change Yen into Pounds.
"I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to come back after 12noon, as our
computers are down and we don't have the exchange rate yet," said the
teller.
"But want to change Yen to Pounds", replied the visitor.
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to return after noon," said the teller.
"Need to change Yen to Pounds", insisted the visitor.
"You don't understand ... we don't have the exchange rate yet, so I
can't change your money. Currency fluctuations, you see" replied the
teller.
"Currency Whaaaaaaaaaaa?" inquired the visitor.
"Fluctuations - Fluctuations" said the exasperated teller.
"Ah, fluc you British, too then" yelled the visitor as he stormed out of
the bank.
---
I came home from work one day in January and saw my
neighbor walking around his back yard nude from the waist
down. Naturally curious, I leaned over the fence and asked
him why. His response was " I dunno, it's my wife's idea
after I fell asleep under an open window and woke up with a
stiff neck".
---
How did the first frenchman get to Canada?
He was playing hockey on the St. Lawrence and got a breakaway.
---
How many cops does it take to push a prisoner down a flight of stairs?
None. He was'nt pushed, he fell.
---
How do you pickup Gloria Estefan?
With a magnet
Why can't Gloria Estefan get her prescription filled?
The pharmicist can't read the spray painted prescription form
Why isn't Gloria Estafan's surgeon Spanish?
Would you trust one with a knife?!
How can you find Gloria Estefan's room in the hospital?
With a metal detector
---
One day a newfie walked down the beach, wearing his bathing trunks
and he lay down on his towel. He watched the girls go over to the
lifeguard all day, and at the end of the day he goes over to
the lifeguard and says "all day the girls walked by me and came
over to see you. what am I doing wrong? The lifeguard explains
that the first thing he has to do is get a little speedo bathing
suit and then drop a potatoe down.
The next day the newfie walks down the beach wearing a little
red bathing suit, and he's dropped the potato in. He lays down on the
beach and the same thing happens. At the end of the day he goes back
over to the lifeguard to find out why all the girls still ignored
him even after he had done what he was told. The lifegurd explained
"I think you should have put the potato in the front!"
---
What do UFO's and inteligent men have in common?
They are hard to believe and seldom seen!
---
What's the best three things about having Alzheimer's desease?
1. You make new friends every day.
2. You get to hide your own Easter eggs.
3. Uh... I forgot!
---
?How do you clean out a used condom?
?Shake the f*ck out of it!!
---
What's got a million teeth and holds back a monster?
-My zipper.
---
There once was a young man from Kent,
Whose pr*ck was so long it was bent.
To save himself trouble, he stuck it in double.
And instead of coming, he went.
There once was a man from Exameter,
Who had a prodigious diameter,
but it wasn't his size that won him the prize.
Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
---
Have you gone to the Happy Lands, I hear they got lots of hot women.
They will be playing their hot 87 which includes, we didn't start the
fire, Hot! Hot! Hot!, Chestnuts Roasting on an open fire & of course the
best of Smokey Robinson.
What caused the fire?
The hat check's boyfriend, thought they were a perfect match.
---
What do you call a gay bar without any stools?
A fruit stand!
---
She looks like a professional blind date.
--
She has everything a man could desire-including heft, bulging
muscles and a moustache.
--
She's worn that dress so many times, it's been in and out of
style five times!
--
Don't try and judge her by her clothes...there isn't enough
evidence.
--
She's so ugly, when she's on the beach the tide won't come in.
--
Next time you pass my house, I'd appreciate it.
--
It may be just morbid curiousity, but I'd like to see your
parents.
--
I remember tha day I had a wreck in my car. Six months later, I
married her.
--
She's not completely useless; five charm schools use her as a
bad example.
--
A man won a million dollars in a lottery. He gave $1000.00 to
each of three female acquaintances. One spent all of it on herself.
One spent half on him and half on herself. The last one invested
the $1000.00 and made $20000.00. She spent $1000.00 on herself,
and paid back the original $1000.00 to the boyfriend.
Which one did he marry?
Answer: The one with the biggest hooters!!
---
There is an ederly couple in a nursing home who get to know each
other quite well. Soon they decide to be married. On the first
evening of their Honeymoon, the bride emerges from the bathroom
clad in her snowy Penoir to find her husband slipping into a
condom. "HONEY!", she says, "You needn't worry about that
anymore....." He said, "WHAAAAT? Are you kidding? If I get
this thing wet I'll catch a cold!"
---
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