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Funny stories



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On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl
threw herself into the sea and drowned in despair, despite a young
passerby's attempts to save her. The man dragged the half nude body
ashore and left it on the sand to call the authorities. Upon his
return, he was horrified to find a second man making love to the
corpse. "Monsieur!" he shouted, "that woman is dead!" "Sacre Bleu!"
the man replied, springing up. "I thought she was an American girl."

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Why do women sky divers wear tampons?
So they won't whistle on the way down.

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A man with an exceptionally long penis goes to a surgeon and asks
him to cut off a part of it, saying, "Please Doc, you gotta do it.
Every time I hiccup on the toilet, it siphons all the water out of
the bowl."

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What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About four drinks.

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Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives
who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed
their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

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A man called his doctor and told him he had a problem with his wife -
she has a bowel movement at seven o'clock every morning.
"That's perfectly normal," the doctor said.
"But we don't get out of bed until nine!"

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These two drunks at a bar go to the bathroom to piss. When they
are done, one of them forgets to zip up his fly. So after they sit
back down, one drunk says, "Hey I saw a snake sitting on that stool
as you sat down. As a matter of fact, I can still see it's head."
So he grabs a bottle, and smashes it onto the other man's penis.
"Hit it again," says the other man, "it just bit me."

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There was this little girl staring out her bedroom window, watching
two dogs screw in the street. In curiosity she called for her
father to explain what they were doing. Her father entered the room
and asked what was wrong. The girl then said, "Father what are those
two dogs doing ?" The father hesitantly replied, "Why, one of the
dogs got hurt, and the other is helping it to an animal hospital."
The girl jumped to her feet and said, "It's just like with humans,
Daddy, you try to help someone and you get fucked!"

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A young man is visiting his future wife's parent's house for dinner.
Unfortunatly, he is not feeling too well, but he sits down for dinner
anyway. The family dog, Spot, takes a seat under him and they start
dinner. Well, the guy REALLY has to fart, so he lets out just a tiny
one. The girlfriend's mothers says, "Spot! No!". The guy thinks
this is really great, the dog will get blamed. He lets a little
bigger one this time. The mother says, "Spot!! No! Please!" in a
little harsher tone. The guy finally decides to really let one rip,
so he blasts away with a real long one. The mother yells, "Spot! Get
out of there before he shits on you!".

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Two guys are lost in the desert, starving to death. Just before
they die of hunger, they find a huge mound of camel manure. One guy
says that he thinks they should eat it. The other guy says, "What
kind of person do think I am?" So the first guy picks up the camel
dung, and moistens it by pissing on it. Then be begins to eat it.
He can only get about half of it down before he starts to throw up.
The other guy rushes over with his hands cupped, saying, "Just what I
wanted. A nice hot meal."

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The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his
pocket and pulled out a thermometer.
"Shit," he muttered, "Some asshole has my pen."

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When a bug hits the windshield of your car, what's the last thing
that goes through its mind before it dies?
It's asshole.

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What has 18 legs and tits?
The Supreme Court.

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What is the ultimate rejection?
When you're jerking off ... your hand falls asleep.

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Did you see Roman Polanski's new movie?
Close Encounters With The Third Grade.

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A good one-on-one line to a woman:
"Do you know the difference between a Big Mac and a blow job?"
(Hopefully the reply is "No")
"Well then, how about lunch tomorrow?"

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What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic pygmy.

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What is the difference between an angry rooster and a lawyer?
In the morning a rooster gets up and clucks defiance.

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a double. After the bartender
hands him the drink, he pours it down and says, "Give me another."
The bartender says, "Hey pal, what are we celebrating?" and the guy
says, "My first blow job." "All right!" says the bartender. "Have
one on the house!" The guy says, "Keep 'em coming, I've just got to
get this taste out of my mouth!"

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What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks!

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Have you heard that Karen Carpenter's surviving brother,
Richard, has put out a new hit song?
It's called, "She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister."

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Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any children?
Because, he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimney.

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What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs!

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Two perfect strangers were talking to each other. One of them said,
"If you were to wake up in the woods with vaseline smeared all over
your ass, would you tell anyone?" The other one said, "Of course
not!" The first man said, "Oh, then would you like to go camping?"

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How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

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A man sat at the bedside of his dying wife. Her voice was little
more than a whisper. "Darling," she said, "I have a confession to
make. I'm the one who took $25,000 from your safe. I spent it on a
fling with your best friend. I was the one who paid your mistress to
leave town. And I reported your income tax evasion to the I.R.S.
Can you ever forgive me?"
"Of course, dear," the man said. "I'm the one who poisoned you."

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Why are pubic hairs curly?
You'd poke your eye out if they weren't!

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Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the
other, "Boy, business sucks. If i don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful
blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his
bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this
month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

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The traveling salesman took the cute young pickup to a motel in the
early afternoon. As he was pumping away, she gasped, "There's a man
in the room with us!"
"The hell with the hotel dick," he grunted without missing a stroke.
"It ain't him," she squealed. "It's the truant officer!"

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One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked
him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few
minutes he saw an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He
walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and
beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in
a shakey voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help
but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands
and feet," states the old man.
Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?"

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God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested
Venus. "Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got
sunburned. Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied.
"I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my ass off". A third advisor
suggested Earth. "That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was
there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up
some Jewish bitch!"

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A workman is atop a ladder repainting the interior of a church.
As he is painting, the brush slips out of his hand and plops messily
to the floor. "Son of a Bitch!" he exclaims as he climbs down the
ladder. Suddenly, he notices Mother Superior standing nearby with a
large frown.
"Young man," says the sister, "Profanity in the house of the Lord
is not acceptible. If you must say something, just say, Jesus, Mary,
and Joseph."
The workman thanks her for her forgiveness, and goes about his
painting. Soon afterwards, he again drops the brush, and mutters,
"SON OF A -- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." As he turns for Mother
Superior's approval, the paintbrush levitates up off the floor and
back into the astonished workman's hand! He is speechless as Mother
Superior exclaims, "SON OF A BITCH!"

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What do a Nun and '7-UP' have in common?
Never had it - Never will!

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Three nuns got lost downtown and ran into some not so clean guys.
They go to the Mother Superior and the first nun says, "I saw this
man's penis what should I do?" Mother Superior says, "Go wash out your
eyes with holy water." The second nun comes up and says, "I touched a
man's penis what should I do?" Mother Superior says, "Go wash your
hands with holy water". While the first two nuns are cleansing
themselves with holy water the third nun shouts, "Stand aside I have
to gargle!"

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The Pope and God were conversing the other day, and the Pope said,
"Hey God, I've got good news and I've got bad news." God replied,
"Well I have always liked good news before bad so ..." and the Pope
responded, "Well we finally have been able to unite all the known
religions on Earth under one name." God says, "Well that is just
great, I have been trying for six thousand years, and you did it
in less than two thousand. Now what is the bad news?"
"We have to relocate the Vatican to Salt Lake City."

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Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are
confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you can get
into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first
nun, "Who was the first man on earth?" She says, "Oh thats easy, that
was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into
heaven. So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman
on earth?" She says "Oh thats easy that was Eve." Same thing
happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven. So Saint
Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to
Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard
one." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into
heaven!

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Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern
world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said
one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said
the other. "What was her maiden name?"

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One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers when God Himself
comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then sitting on the Pope's
bed, He says, "Listen, you've been a such good Pope and devoted
follower that I'm going to grant you any wish you'd like."
The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he
can't think of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing
that really gets to him. "As you know God," he says, "I'm very
attached to my country of origin. And one thing that really
irritates me sometimes is all those stupid Polish Jokes."
"No problem," says God magnanimously. "From this moment on, there
shall be no more Polish jokes." Smiling, he says, "Listen, I have to
be getting back to heaven, but before I take off, is there anything
else I can do?"
The Pope thinks and thinks, finally comes out with it. "Abolish
M & M's," he pronounces. "M & M's?" says God. "Gee, I've always
thought they were harmless enough, melting in your mouth and all ...
but I'll be glad to abolish them if it really means a lot to you."
"Well you see," says the Pope, "I'm not getting any younger and
it's getting harder and harder to peel them."

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Jesus and Moses went to play golf. On the third hole, there is a
lake to hit over. Jesus gets out a two iron and Moses says, "You
should use a wood or it will go in the water." Jesus says, "Jack
Nicklaus uses a two iron on this hole, so I'm sure I can." He hits
the ball,and sure enough, it splashes into the water. Moses parts
the water, walks out and retrieves the ball. "Now," he says, "use a
wood." "No way," Jesus replies, "If Nicklaus can use a two iron, so
can I." Again, it goes straight into the lake. As Jesus is walking
around on the water looking for his ball, another golfer sees him and
asks Moses in amazement, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses shakes his head sadly, "No, Jack Nicklaus!"

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How can you tell when you enter a gay church?
Only half the congregation are on their knees.

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Catholic kid: Our Priest knows more than your Rabbi!
Jewish kid: Of course he does, you Catholics tell him everything.

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A priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi meet on a plane. To pass time
they discuss their pay. The Priest says, "Well, after Mass, I draw a
line on my floor and throw the money from the collection plate in the
air. What lands on one side is for God, and what lands on the other
is mine." The minister says,"I do almost the same thing, except that
I draw a circle on the floor. What falls inside the circle is for
God, and what falls outside the circle is mine." The Rabbi smiles,
"I too do nearly the same. I too throw the money in the air. What
God wants, He keeps. The rest is mine."

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Once upon a time there was a monk who had spent most of adult life
in a monastery. He got his first chance to go to town and he took
it. He met many women who were somewhat scantily clad and said,
"Five bucks for a quickie." The monk, not knowing what to do,
blessed them and continued on his way. The next day he wemt over to
the convent and met with Mother Superior. He asked her, "What
exactly is a quickie?" and she answered, "Five bucks, same as in
town."

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What is the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, and a shame to pull it out.

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If Eve wore a figleaf in the Garden of Eden, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it!

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NEWS FLASH:
The Rev. Jerry Falwell, of Moral Majority fame, has passed
a bill through Congress making it illegal to look down
while taking a shower.

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"I don't care who your father is, you drop that cross one more time
and you're out of the parade!"

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What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye damn near killed him!

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Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? They fall through the holes in his hands.

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A wealthy business executive (W.E.) needed some information from the
safe in his bedroom while he was at work. He called his wife to open
the safe and give him the information. The following conversation
ensued:
Maid: Hello?
W.E.: May I speak to the missus please?
Maid: I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone.
W.E.: Where is she? It's important!
Maid: She's in the bedroom.
W.E.: Well, wake her up!
Maid: She's not sleeping.
W.E.: What is she doing?
Maid: I'd rather not say.
W.E.: Is someone else in there with her?
Maid: Well ... yes.
W.E.: (shocked) How long has this been going on?
Maid: Oh, a couple of months.
W.E.: Okay, here's what I want you to do. Go to the desk in
my den, get the gun out of the bottom drawer, and shoot
both of them!
Maid: Oh no! I couldn't do that!
W.E.: Do you approve of what has been going on?
Maid: No, sir, I don't!
W.E.: Who are you going to side with anyhow?
Maid: Oh, you sir!
W.E.: Okay, then get the gun and do it!
(A long silence follows, punctuated by ...BANG ...BANG)
Maid: (Crying) Oh, this is terrible, what ever can we do?
W.E.: Are they both dead?
Maid: Yes.
W.E.: Okay, drag the bodies down by the swimming pool and I
will come by and pick them up.
Maid: But... We don't have a swimming pool!
W.E.: ... Isn't this 555-4228?

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Confucious says, "Man who stands on toilet seat is high on pot"
"Woman who flys upside down always has crack up"
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew"
"Man who screw in graveyard fucking near dead!"

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What is the speed limit of sex?
68, at 69 you have to turn around!

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Why won't a rattlesnake bite a lawyer?
Professional courtesy.

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A travelling salesman is stuck in the country and must stay at a
farm for the night. The farmer tells the salesman to stay away from
his daughter, but the visitor tells him not to worry because his
penis was shot off in the war.
In the middle of the night, the farmer finds the salesman humping
away on his daughter. The man replies, "Yes, my penis was shot off
in the war, but it left a nine inch stub."

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What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball!

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What is the difference between a sorority girl and a Lamborghini?
Not everyone has been in a Lamborghini!

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What does a sorority girl do when she wakes up?
She goes home!

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Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet dosen't follow you around for two weeks after you use it!

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How many people from California does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

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DEFINITION - Antenna coupling: Insect's foreplay

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What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Tie them together, make it a tire, and call it a good year.

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A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss.
When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he
had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant
member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and
the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
grant you three wishes."
"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three
wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man
is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for
anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to
walk away.
The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun
asks, "How old are you me boy?"
"25," he says.
"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

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The truth is that sex is the most fun you can have without laughing!

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A little known area of sick jokes are the "Other Than That' type.
For example:

Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how was the parade?
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Other than that, General Custer, how was the Little Big Horn?
Other than that, Mrs. O'Leary, how did the milking go?

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Two Hells Angels talking.
"How's married life?" asks the first.
"It's fine," says the second.
"How's the sex?" asks the first.
"Fine," says the second, "At least you don't have
to wait in line!"

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What did Grace Kelly have that Natalie Wood could have used?
A good stroke!

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A small business was doing very poorly, and the situation came up
where an employee had to be laid off, either Mary or Jack. The boss
brought both of them into his office, and said to Mary, "I will have
to lay you or Jack off."

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What's the difference between a bunch of pygmy geniuses and a girls
track team?
The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts!

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You can pick your friends,
and you can pick your nose,
but you can't roll your
friends into little green balls.

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A guy, in his cups and getting horny saunters over to a blonde seated
at the bar. Attempting to make conversation, he says, "Hi, there."
"Hello," she answers.
He clears his throat and says, "Uh, say, do you like cocktails?"
"You bet!" she answers. "Tell me a few!"

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The young man goes to Alaska to pan for gold, and he's stuck out in
the middle of nowhere. He gets horny and goes into town. Stopping
at the small town's only bar, he says to the bartender, "Where do you
go for tail around here." The bartender looks him over and says, "No
women here. But if you're really hard up, we have old Charlie in the
back room." The guy shakes his head and goes back to the woods.
Six months later, he can't take it any more, so he goes back to the
small town and approaches the bartender. "I don't like it, but I got
to have something." The bartender nods to two guys who go into the
back room and come out with this guy struggling and screaming between
them. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Old Charlie don't
like it much, either."

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Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

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How do you tell if a woman is macho?
She rolls her own tampons.

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What do women and airplanes have in common?
They both have cockpits!

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Two plastic surgeons are talking about their recent operations, and
one mentions that he grafted tits onto a sailor's back sometime ago.
"Was it a success?" asks the other.
"Incredibly!" says the first. "I did it on a percentage basis,
and if his asshole holds out, we'll be millionaires pretty soon."

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Once opon at time there was a great land war between the U.S. and
China. A young boy was drafted, trained, and sent to the front. The
supply sergeant told him they were out of guns and he would have to
use a broom. The boy said "What do I do with this?". The sergeant
said "Just point it and say "Bang Bang". The boy did not believe but
the sergeant insisted so he went on to the front. He gave it a try
"Bang Bang" and a Chinaman dropped dead. The boy continued this way
even though he didn't understand. There were many Chinese however
and they kept coming wave after wave. The boy finally returned to
the sergeant to get an explanation. The sergeant tied a string to
the broom and said, "If they get to close just say "Stab Stab". The
boy wasn't sure but "Bang Bang" had worked so he decided to give it a
try. It worked fine and all went well with "Bang Bang" and "Stab
Stab" until one particular Chinaman came over the hill. The boy
pointed his broom and said "Bang Bang". The Chinaman came on walking
stiffly and rocking from side to side. He got close and the boy said
"Stab Stab". The Chinaman continued right over the boy crushing him
into the ground. As the boy lay broken he could hear the Chinaman
walking on and saying "Tankety Tankety Tank!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bill joined the foreign legion, and was assigned to a fort, way out
in the Sahara desert, far from any town. During his orientation
session, he asked the sergeant what the legionnaires did when they
had to relieve their urge. "The desert provides, son," the sergeant
said. "When you feel the need at night go to the hut by the palm
tree outside the fort. There's a hole in the side. Stick your dick
in the hole and you'll get relief." Bill was very skeptical, but
soon he was about to go out of his skull. He waited until the sun
descended, then ran out to the hut and stuck his dick in the hole.
sure enough, a pair of warm lips surrounded his member and quickly
brought him to ecstasy. Bill suddenly had a new view of life in the
legion. He visited the hut the next night and the third. But on the
fourth night, when he thrust his penis in, nothing happened. He
rushed back, found the sergeant and asked him what the hell was going
on. "Forgot to tell you," the sergeant said, "it's your night to sit
in the hut."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

If you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
which would you pick?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and
a moth ball in the other hand?
One hell of a big moth!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why did the minister get AIDS?
He didn't wash his organ between hims.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's the name of a place where midgets can go and spend the night
without paying anything?
A stay free minipad.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun,
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Once a carrot and a dick were comparing their days. The carrot
said "What a day! They almost tried to cut me up for stew!"
The dick interrupted, "You think you had it rough! Today they woke
me up early, told me to stand at attention, put a bag over my head,
shoved me down a dark hole, and made me do push-ups until I puked!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Once there was a guy who was shipwrecked on a desert island with
six beautiful girls. He fucked one each day except Sunday. At first
this was fun but after a while it got to be boring and dull, and he
began to look forward to his Sundays.
One day he spotted a fellow clinging to a log out in the ocean. He
swam out and dragged the poor unconsious man back to shore. He began
to give the man artificial respiration and after a while the man woke
up and began to kiss him back. The guy, surprised, pulled back.
Then he smiled ruefully and said, "Well, there go my Sundays."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

This very old couple were sitting on the porch rocking when suddenly
the old woman knocked the old guy out of his chair and off of the
porch. He got up and dusted himself off and asked her, "Why did you
hit me?" She told him, "It is because your dick is too small!"
He sat back down and then suddenly he knocks her out of her chair and
off of the porch. She asked him, "Why did you hit me?" He replies,
"Because after 55 years you know there's a difference!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Frank and Matt at SpaceShot Software have been working on building
the Ultimate Computer for years now. When they finished last week
the first thing they asked it was, "Is there a God?"
The Computer replied, "There is now!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do you call a dog with no legs???
Doesn't matter - he won't come when you call anyway.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do you call a dog with no legs???
Cigarette. Even though he won't come when you call,
you can always take him out for a drag.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A truckers son was playing outside when the trucker decided to
watch TV. The boy soon came to the patio, slung the door open, ate a
jelly bean, bit the cat on the ear and ran off. He did this a few
more times until the dad stopped him and asked what he was doing. The
boy replied he was playing trucker. When the dad asked him to
explain the boy said, "I doing like a trucker, poppin pills, eating
pussy and haulin ass."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What did one sperm say to the other??
"Leggo my Eggo!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How can you prove that Jerry Falwell is right?
He didn't evolve.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's the Ronald Reagan Bucket at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
All right wings and assholes.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What is the definition of a REAL woman?
One who kick-starts her vibrator!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Whats blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub scouts

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's gray and comes in quarts?
Elephants

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A lovelorn young man wrote to an advice columnist as follows:

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Dear Abby,
I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.
I think she's the one for me. There's just one problem - I can't
remember from our first date if she told me she had T.B. or V.D.
What should I do?
-Confused

Abby replies:

Dear Confused,
If she coughs, fuck her.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A.I.D.S.....? Another Infected Dick Sucker

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

DEFINITION - Relaxation oscillator: Vibrator

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do you get if you cross a whore and a computer?
A fucking know-it-all.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do you get when you cross a computer and a gorilla?
A Hairy Reasoner!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why did God create men?
Cucumbers don't take out the garbage.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How many programmers does it take to replace a light bulb?
None, that's obviously a hardware problem.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Do you know what a dentist is?
That's a guy who puts his hand in your wallet and says, "Open wide"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What is the perfect ten?
A woman about waist high with no teeth and
a flat head to rest your drink on!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bo Derek is so stupid, she had to study in order to pass a pap test.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How can you tell if a girl is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her ankles swell.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you hear the new song Michael Jackson and Boy George made?
It's called "I'll Beat It For You!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do you call a hooker's kids?
Brothel sprouts

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Three more bullets.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

So you think YOU have problems with a Hare-lip?
One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police
officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee
thid, and thacramento ith?" The police officer didn't reply at all.
The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the
frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up
to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man
where thirty third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied,
"Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Hear about the guy who named his dog Herpes?
He heals once a month.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How do you know when you're being mooned by Ronald McDonald?
He's the one with the sesame seed buns.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How does herpes get out of the hospital?
On crotches.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A man called his friend in the middle of the night and said,
"Fred, I'm really worried about Mary. She wasn't here when I got
home from work and I still haven't heard from her. You know how
depressed she gets at times since her mastectomy."
Fred tried to reassure him. "Maybe she's just visiting a friend."
"I doubt it," the man said glumly. "She left her tits here."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A woman went to her doctor for a physical exam. The doctor found
that she was in perfect health, but he couldn't figure something out.
He asked her what possible reason she could have for having wax in
her belly button. "My husband likes to eat by candlelight."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The man woke up in the hospital after a terrible car crash. He asked
the doctor, "What happened to me?" "Well," the doctor said, "I've
some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that both of your
legs are gone. "That's terrible," said the man. "What could
possibly be good after that?" "The good news is that those pesky
corns of yours are completely gone."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A construction worker was rushed to the hospital after cutting
himself badly. The doctor told the nurse to prepare a pain killer.
"Don't bother Doc," said the man. "I've been through a lot worse."
"More painful than this?" the doctor asked. "I'll tell you about the
second most painful accident I ever had. I was hunting one day and
had to take a shit so I dropped my pants and squatted. I tripped a
bear trap and BOOM, the thing snapped shut on my balls." The doctor
winced, "That's awful. But tell me, what could be worse?"
"When I reached the end of the chain."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What should you do when an Elephant comes in your window?
Swim!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why can't you take a shit at a Beatles concert?
There's no John.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

An old lady walked into her kitchen and found her cat up on the
counter eating her dinner. She'd had it with the cat! This was the
last straw! She picked up her broom and began beating on the cat and
chased him into the corner. She was about to deal him the final blow
when the cat said, "Wait! I'm really a genie in disguise! I can
grant you ANY wish you want." The lady thought it over, and said,
"I've always wanted to be swept off my feet by a handsome man."
Poof! Instantly the cat turned into a tall, dark and very handsome
man. He took the woman into his arms and, as he picked her up and
carried her to the bedroom, he gazed into her eyes and murmured
huskily, "Now aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's the difference between Like and Love?
A Spit and a Swallow.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Have you read any of these?

Under The Grandstand by Seymore Butts
Spots On The Wall by Whuflung Poo
Run To The Outhouse by Willy Makeit
Illustrated by Betty Wont
Hawaiian Love Song by Comoniwanalayya
Russian Revenge by Ivan Kutchercockoff
Chinese Population Explosion by Weefuckem Yung

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A cannibal was running through the woods when he found two campers.
One was writing, one was reading, which one would he eat?
The one reading because readers digest and writers cramp.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's invisible and smells like dog food?
Old people's farts.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's the difference between mono and herpes?
You get mono when you snatch a kiss.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

"Daddy, what does the word "FAG" mean?"
"You just never mind that son," replied the father.
"Now unhook my bra for me!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's black and hairy and pisses on the wall?
Humpty Cunt.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why are cowgirls so bowlegged?
Because cowboys eat with their hats on.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's black and blue, and goes "ding-dong"?
A beat up Avon lady.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why was the whore with two pussies kicked out of the whore-house?
The rest of the girls were tired of her holier-than-thou attitude.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do gay men put behind their ears to look pretty?
Their legs.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why can't Hellen Keller have babies?
Because she's dead!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How do you drive Helen Keller crazy?
Lock her in a room with stucco walls.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
She needs one to moan with.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How do you keep Helen Keller busy?
Rearrange the furniture!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why couldn't Helen Keller be heard when she fell into the well?
She was wearing gloves.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What is a Cinderella ten?
A woman who sucks and fucks until midnight then
turns into a pizza and six pack!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The five-alarmer had been raging out of control for hours, pouring
thick smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and
the Fire Chief began accounting for his men. Two men were missing so
he ordered a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck
parked in an alley and found, to his shock, one fireman with his
trousers down leaning over a garbage can and another fireman screwing
him in the ass. "What's the meaning of this?" the Captain roared.
"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman doing
the fucking panted. "You're supposed to give mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation for that," the Captain said. "That's what started
this," the fireman replied.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do rabbis do with foreskins after circumcisions?
They sell them to gays for chewing gum.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

One gay guy visited another in the hospital. "What did they do?" he
asked the man lying in the bed. "They removed my tonsils, pulled out
my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids." "My God," gasped the visitor.
"A complete hysterectomy!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Two homos named Jay and Aaron lived in an apartment in San
Francisco. Once Jay (who was more bisexual than gay) went to a regular
bar and met the girl of his dreams. After a very whirlwind
relationship (4 hours, 13 minutes, 22.46 seconds) he asked her to
marry him, and she accepted. So he asked her to move in with him the
following day, and went home to straighten out his problem presented
in the form of Aaron.
When he told Aaron, there was a shocked silence. Finally Aaron
asked, "Can I at least have one more night with you in the big bed?"
Jay said "No, you'll sleep on the couch tonight. But don't sleep late
because I'm leaving to pick up my future wife for a lunch date and
then I'll bring her back here. You've got to be gone by then." So
they went to bed (not together).
The next morning Jay woke to a weird noise. He went out into the
living room, and there he saw Aaron masturbating into a paper bag.
Puzzled, he asked, "What are you doing?"
The answer came back, "Packing your lunch."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?
With a crowbar.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do the initials in A.I.D.S. stand for?
Anally Inserted Death Sentence

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Five fags were sitting in a hot tub when suddenly a blob of semen
floated to the surface. "Alright," said the big one, "Who farted?"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Have you heard about Billie Jean King's new tennis shoe?
It is called Dike, but they had to recall all of them because their
tongues were too short.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Richard Simmons goes into a doctor's office convinced that he is
pregnant. "How could you possibly be pregnant?" asks the doctor,
"Who is the father?"
"What do you think I have," Richard says, "eyes in the back of my
head?"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay
rodeo?
At the straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How do you get rid of the crabs?
Find a gay that like's seafood!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you hear about the article in the newspaper the other day
about gays? It said that 80% of all gay men were born gay, and as
for the other 20% - they just got sucked into it.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why did the homosexual suspect his live-in lover had been cheating
on him?
Because he came home shit-faced.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's the difference between a vulture and a male hairdresser?
A vulture won't eat a man until after he's dead.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Son to father:
"I think my roommate is becoming a queer."
"How do you know?"
"Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you hear about the young business man who took an apartment in
Greenwich Village and turned prematurely gay?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you hear about the two fags who had an argument in a gay bar?
They went outside to exchange blows.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What are the three things homosexuals like most?
To eat, drink, and be Mary.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming
together. On the first night Suzy turns to her friend, puts her hand
on her shoulder, and says, "There's something I've been meaning to
tell you about myself. I'll be frank and ..."
"No," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you hear about the homo that was so ugly he had to go out
with girls?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you hear about the three gays who attacked a woman in the park?
Two held her down while the third did her hair.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Two gays were talking when one of them happened to mention that he
had gotten circumcised last week. "Can I see it?" asked the second
fag, so he promptly dropped his drawers to show off his cock.
"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

One gay dentist to the other: "You know, you have the whitest teeth
I've ever come across."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

"But Mom, all the girls my age are wearing training bras."
"Shut up, Sidney. Just be grateful that I got you a garter belt."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Overheard at a gay bar:
"Did you know that you can catch leprosy from heterosexual
intercourse?"
"Really?"
"Not really, but spread the rumor."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A tough faggot is puffing on a little cigar in a bar, and follows
another man into the men's room.
"Ya ever get your cock sucked?" snarled the mean homo.
"No," the man replied.
"Did ya ever get your face pushed in?" demanded the queer.
"No."
"Do ya wanna get your face pushed in?"
"No," came the reply.
"Then keep this cigar going while I suck you off."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you hear about the male nurse that could make a patient without
disturbing the bed?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

If horse racing is the sport of kings is drag racing the sport
of queens?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you hear about the two ugly Baptist choir girls that were
sleeping together?
They were playing hymns.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

"My wife and I split up because we have too much in common," the
solitary drinker said to the bartender.
"Izzat so?" he replied.
"Yeah - We both like to eat pussy!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you know that GAY stands for? "Got AIDS Yet?"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's the difference between a rhinoceros and a lesbian?
About 50 lbs and a flannel shirt!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver a large
tip if he can deliver her in a hurry, but she is horrified at the
cruel whipping he gives the horse to make him go faster. "My good
man, is there no other way you could urge the horse along?" she
asks. "Yessum," the cab driver replies cheerfully. "But I've got to
save his balls for the hill."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There were these three whores complaining about their jobs. The
youngest whore said, "Boy, tonight really sucked. I did three tricks
for $50 each and my pimp took $100!" The second whore replied, "Wow,
you kept all that? Tonight I turned seven tricks for $50 each and my
pimp kept $300!" But the eldest whore said, "Both of you have it
easy. Back during the Depression, I had to give ten free blowjobs a
night just to have something warm in my stomach!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Democracy exists in Russia. They have two television stations,
channel 7 and channel 9. You tune to channel seven and you receive
the KGB. You turn to channel nine and another KGB officer tells you
to switch the channel to seven!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

This guy goes into a bar with a big alligator and sets it on the
bar. He asks the barkeep for a beer, and opens the 'gators mouth.
He sticks his prick in the animals mouth and drinks his beer. The
bartender is amazed. The man pulls his dick out, and asks the
bartender, "Do you want to try it?"
"No," says the bartender, "I don't think I can hold my mouth open
that long."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an M&M?
A cock that won't melt in your hand.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What is the definition of a sardine?
It's a little fish that smells like a finger!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common?
They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do you get if you cross a Smurf and a whore?
A little blue fucker about this high.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A man with a very deep and husky voice goes into a doctor's office
to find out a way to raise it a little. He learns that his long
penis is the cause. The doctor suggests that the only way to solve
the problem is to take a section out of the middle, and graft the
remaining parts together. After reassurance that this will not
affect his sex life, the man agrees.
Months after the operation, he goes back to the doctor and asks,
"What do you do with the sections you take out?"
The doctor replies in a deep husky voice, "Oh, we make good use of
them!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why are a woman's cunt and asshole so close together?
So when she gets drunk, you can carry her home like a six pack.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Marketing experts are now maintaining that the manufacturers of those
panty hose that "massage" a woman's legs have set their sights far
too low!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How can you tell when you've had a really good blowjob?
You have to pull the sheets out of your ass.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What proof do we have that computers have been around
for a long, long time?
Eve had an Apple, and Adam had a Wang.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What do you have if you've got two green fuzzies in your hands?
Kermit's undivided attention!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

And now, the designers, looking once more to make a buck off all those
designer-label fans, have come up with a new one - designer condoms!
The first two to come out with them are Pierre Hardon and So-soon!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What is the definition of relative humidity?
The amount of sweat on your balls when you're fucking your sister.

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How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. But they have to be very, VERY, small!

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What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today?
Clawing at the top of her coffin.

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Why would you tape a hamster's mouth shut?
So that, when you butt-fucked it, it wouldn't spill its guts!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Two very old ladies were sitting on the porch, rocking. One
finally says, "Tell me, Maude, when you and the mister were married -
before he died, that is - did, uh, did you have mutual orgasm?"
Maude thought a moment, then said, "No, Sarah, I'm pretty sure it
was State Farm!"

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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to WANT to change.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Life is like a shit sandwich,
The more bread you have,
The less shit you have to swallow.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Know how to make a dead baby float?
With a tall glass of root beer and two scoops of dead baby.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby thats teething on a razor blade.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's blue and sits in a corner?
A baby in a baggie.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's green and sits in a corner?
The same baby 3 weeks later.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's red and spins round and round?
A baby in a blender.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's red and goes thump-thump-thump?
A baby tied to a truck tire.

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Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

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What's red and goes 'round and 'round?
A baby in a garbage diposal.

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What's red and bubbly and scratches at the window?
A baby in a microwave.

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How do you get 100 dead babies into a barrel?
Use a food processor.

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How do you get them out?
Doritos.

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What's worse than three dead babies in a trash can?
One dead baby in three trash cans.

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a
truckload of dead babies?
You can unload the truckload of babies with a pitchfork.

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What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
One live baby at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

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How do you make a dead baby float?
Nail a piece of styrofoam to its forehead.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face when you turn it on.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's a perfect gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What's red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Three Frenchmen were sitting in a bistro enjoying their coffee,
when a young American approached and asked them for the definition of
the term "savoir faire". The youngest of the trio said that it was
tres simple - he would define it with an example. "If you arrived at
home and found your wife in the passionate embrace of a stranger, and
you said 'Excusez moi' and quietly departed, then you would have
demonstrated savoir faire".
"Mais non", said the second, older and more urbane Frenchman.
"Let me give a better example. If you arrived at home and found your
wife in the embrace of a stranger, and you said, 'Excusez moi,
continuez', and quietly departed, then you would have exhibited
savoir faire".
The third, and most venerable Frenchman shook his head and gave
the Gaelic equivalent of "close but no cigar", and said, "Let me give
you the proper answer."
"If you came home and found your wife in the passionate embrace of
a stranger and said, 'Excusez moi, continuez' and he did - HE has
savoir faire."

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Guys You've Met In The Men's Room

Excitable - Shorts half twisted around, can't find hole,
rips shorts
Sociable - Joins friends and pisses whether he has to or not,
figures it doesn't cost anything
Crosseyed - Looks inthe urinal on the left, pisses in the middle,
and flushes the one on the right
Timid - Can't piss if someone is watching. Flushes and comes
back later
Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink
Clever - Look Ma, no hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses
on floor
Worried - Not sure if he has been lately, stops in for a
quick check
Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit
a bug on the wall
Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it
bubble
Absent-Minded-Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants
Sneak - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows
the guy in the next stall will get blamed
Patient - Stands very close for a long time while waiting, reads
a newspaper with his free hand
Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants
Tough - Bangs dick on the side of the urinal to dry it
Efficient - Waits until he has to crap then does both
Fat - Backs up and takes a long shot at urinal, pisses
on his shoe
Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants
Disgruntled - Stands waiting for a long time, gives up, walks away
Conceited - Holds two inch dick like baseball bat

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There once lived a nonconforming sparrow. When winter came, he
didn't want to fly South with the rest of the birds. Finally,
though, it got so cold that he reluctantly started flying South.
After a short while, ice started forming on his wings and he fell to
the Earth. Shortly, a rather large cow came by and crapped on the
little sparrow. The sparrow thought this was surely the end. But,
the warm shit actually started to warm him up. After a while, he was
warm, content, and he could breath easily. He was so overjoyed that
he started singing at the top of his lungs. A cat wandering by heard
the noise and decided to investigate. He found the bird in the pile
of shit, dug him out, and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story is:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who digs you out of the shit is not necessarily
your friend.
3) If you are warm and contented in a pile of shit,
keep your mouth shut!

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Three men were lost in the desert. After wandering for days they
finally came upon a small town. Starving, they immediately ran to
the nearest building which was a restaraunt. Upon entering they
approached the waitress, who was as big as a whale. They immediately
began begging for food. Virgin that she was she said, "Only if you
fuck me." Regretfully the men agreed.
As the first man stepped up he gazed upon her cunt and ran out of
the restaurant screaming. More than a little scared, the second man
approached and also saw her cunt. He barfed on the spot and also ran
out screaming. The third man who by now was wise to the situation,
put on sun-glasses, grabbed two ears of buttered corn, and began
"screwing" her with the corn. After satisfying her deepest sexual
desires he tossed the corn out the window and proceded to stock up
with food.
As he came stumbling out of the restaurant he proclaimed to the
other two men, "Look at all this food!" to which they replied,
"That's OK, we just had two hot buttered ears of corn."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There was a farmer and his son who ran the farm all by themselves.
One day when the son was out plowing the field, a terrible accident
happened and he lost his eye. The old farmer was too poor to buy his
son a glass eye, so he made one out of finely polished oak wood, and
hand painted it.
It was many years before the son was exposed to public, and the
local farmers were holding a square-dance for their sons and
daughters. That night the boy got all duded up and headed off to the
dance, where he spent a boring evening in a corner.
Suddenly, he spotted a girl in another corner who had a smile from
nose to chin (not cheek to cheek). He thought to himself, "Now
that's a girl that would understand me!", so he proceeded to walk
over to the girl.
"Would you like to dance?" he asked.
The girl then replied, "Would I!"
The boy shouted, "Hey, I didn't call you cunt face did I?"

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There was a guy who had never been fucked before. One day his dad
said, "Son it's time for you to get fucked" so he gave the kid a duck
to take to town. The kid goes out to a nearby town and sees a hooker
standing on the street corner.
He says to the hooker, "How 'bout a duck for a fuck?" The
hooker said, "OK" so they get in the sack. When they're done the
hooker said, "Hey that was great! If you fuck me again I'll give you
back your duck". The kid agreed so they did it again.
Afterward, the kid was walking home with his duck in his hand and
all of a sudden the duck jumped right in front of a huge truck and
got run over. The truck driver pulled over, apologized to the kid
and paid him ten bucks for killing his duck.
When the kid got home his dad asked how it went. The kid said,
"Great ,I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and ten bucks for
a fucked up duck!"

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A guy went into work, and was working steadily for about an hour
when his secretary came in and said "You look terrible, what is
wrong?" The guy responded "Oh, nothing. I feel great!" About five
minutes later, his boss comes in and tells him the same thing. The
boss tells him to take a week off to recover and calls him a cab.
The cab driver takes one look at him and tells him the same thing.
The guy tells him "No, I feel great!" The cab driver says "I had
better take you to the hospital just in case." When he gets to the
hospital he is rushed straight to a doctor. The doctor rushes in
and says "Oh, you look terrible. What is the problem?" The guy says
"I don't know, I feel great but everyone else tells me that I look
terrible." The doctor says "I see" and starts thumbing through a
medical book. Muttering to himself he says "Looks great, feels great
- no, thats not it. Looks terrible, feels terrible - no, thats not
it either. Looks great, feels terrible - well, getting closer.
Looks terrible, feels great - Aha! Here we are. Hmm, according to
this book, you are a clitoris!"

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Superman took the night off. He called up Spiderman and asked
"Hey, Spidey, let's go out tonight and party!.". Spiderman replied,
"Sorry but I'm going to fight crime tonight.". So The Man of Steel
called Aquaman and asked the same thing, and Aquaman replied in the
same manner. So Superman (being bored) looked around town for someone
or SOMETHING TO DO! Using his X-Ray vision, Superman spoted Wonderwoman
sprawled out on her bed absolutely naked! So, using his super light
speed (he's moving so fast he can't be seen), he zapped over to
Wonderwoman's house and 'plugged away!', then he zapped back to his place
at light speed. A few seconds later Wonderwoman scratched her head and
said,"What the FUCK happened ??!" Then the Invisible Man replied "I don't
know, but my ASSHOLE is killing me!!"

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You know the real difference between women and men?

Women have to play hard to get.
Men have to get hard to play.

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What do you call a blowjob in the Orient?
Gobbleygook.......

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What do you get when you cross a Nympho with a Klepto?
A Fucking Thief.........

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There was this guy from Texas that just bought a shiney brand new pair
of Tony Lamma cowboy boots. He goes into a country & western bar and
starts dancing with this young girl. He looks down at his boots and can
see a reflection of her panties. He says " excuse me mam, but are you
wearing red panties?". She says " why yes, how could you tell?". He says
" I could see the reflection in my shiney brand new Tony Lamma cowboy
boots". Later in the evening he is dancing with another girl and looks
down at his boots and says " excuse me mam, are you wearing light blue
panties?". The girls says " why yes I am, how could you tell?" He says "
I can see the reflection in my shiney brand new Tony Lamma cowboy
boots." Then toward the end of the night he is dancing with another
girl. He looks down at his boots and can not see anything. He waits a
few moments and looks again, still he can not see anything. So he asks "
excuse me mam, what color panties are you wearing?" The girl replys " I
am not wearing any panties." The cowboy says " good, I thought I had a
big crack in my shiney brand new Tony Lamma cowboy boots."

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There once was a man who had a speech problem.
This man also loved pets.
One day he went to a dog store.
He asks the owner "Can I have a "Cock-n-Spank-It"."
The owner says" Oh you mean a cockerspaniel?"
"Yeah that's it," says the man.
The man buys the pet and leaves.

He then walks into a donkey store.
He asks "May I have an ASS"
The Store clerk says, "Oh you mean donkey?"
"Yeah, dat's right," says the man.
"I only have one donkey left and it's a little strange. If it stops at
a stoplight you have to scratch it to make it go again." the store
clerk explains.
"Okay," says the man.

The man thinks a while and asks" May I have a Fuckit to feed it?"
"Oh you mean bucket" says the store clerk.
"Yeah!" says the man.

The man leaves with his dog ... and his donkey ... and his bucket.

A few minutes later....
The man is riding his donkey and has to stop at a stoplight.

Remembering what the store clerk told him,
He walks up to this lady and asks
"Could you hold my Cock and Spank It and Fuck it, While I scratch my
ass?"

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Did you know that Texas just passed a state law saying that by
1992 all cars imported into the state must have the headlight
dimmer on the floorboard as was once the case?
- Yeah, seems too many wrecks were caused when the
TEXAS drivers got their legs caught in the steering
wheel trying to dim the lights.

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A preacher wanted to raise money for his chruch, and being told that
there was a fortune in horse racing, decide to purchase one and enter
him inthe race.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was too steep
that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it
in the races anyway, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The
next day the racing form carried this headline.

"PREACHERS ASS SHOWS"

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the
race agian, and this time it won! The form said,

"PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicty that he ordered the
Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed
this,

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS"

This was just too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the Preacher to
get rid of of the donkey. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent. The headline the next day read,

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose
of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for
$10.00. The paper read,

"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

RULES FOR BEING HUMAN

1. You will reeive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it
will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time
informal school called LIFE. Each day in this school you will
have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like these
lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid. It makes no
difference, you will learn lessons.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of
trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments
are as much a part of the process as the experiment that
ultimately "works."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be
presented to you in various forms until you have learned it.
When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next
lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that
does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are
lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "Here." When your "There" has
become a "Here" you will simply obtain another "There" that
will again, look better than "Here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate
something about another person unless it reflects to you
something you love or hate about youself.

8. What you make of life is up to you. You have all the tools
and resources that you need. What you do withthem is up to
you. The coice is YOURS.

9. The answers to life's questions lie inside of you. All
you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will get what you ask for. It may not be what you
wanted, but it will be what you asked for.

HOWEVER, UPON ENTERING THIS LEVEL OF EXISTENCE,
YOU WILL FORGET ALL OF THE ABOVE.

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A Frenchman, a Russian, and a Polack are to be executed. Each is
allowed to choose the method of his execution. "I want to be
guillotined," says the Frenchman. "I want to be shot in the back of the
head, just as they do in Russia," says the Russian. And the Polack
says, "I'd like to be injected with the AIDS virus."

The day of the executions comes. The Frenchman is guillotines. The
Russian is shot. And the Polack is injected with the AIDS virus. After
the injection, the Polack bursts out laughing. "What's so funny?"
somebody asks. "Why are you laughing? You've just been injected with
the AIDS virus!"

"I fooled you all!" shouts the Polack. "I'm wearing a condom!"

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There were three Systems Analysts flying accross Lake Michigan in a
Cessina, when all of a sudden the engine quits. Now these guys weren't
too religous (all Systems Analysts think they're God incarnate anyways),
but they decided perhaps it was time to hedge a few bets and do some
serious praying. One Analyst said, "you know, I never really learned how
to pray". "Not to worry", says another. "I live next to a Catholic
church. Many times I've heard them pray in the evening......... Lets
all bow our heads and I'll lead us in prayer..............

"Under the Bee, fourteen! Under the Eye, twenty-one! Under the Gee...."

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This lady had a 4 year old boy, who was a typical little boy. One day
the lady was taking a bath and just as she was getting out the little
boy burst into the bathroom. Mommy, Mommy, I.....mommy what is that he
said pointing. Tommy what have I told you about knocking?????? Thats
my...my...my wash cloth. Now get out of here!!!
Well a few days later she had to had some gynecological surgery and of
course they had to shave her. Once she got home things were back to
normal. Again she was taking a bath and again Tommy burst in on her.
Mommy, mommy I.........Mommy what happened to your wash cloth?????
Tommy she said, I lost it GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!! Things went on well
until one day Tommy came home and said, Mommy.....I found your wash
cloth!
YOU DID??????? WHERE???????
The lady next door has it........................And she's washing
daddies face with it!!!!

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Once this single guy had a pet parrot. One problem though. When he
would walk in the house with a date, the parrot would scream, "ANOTHER
ONE'S GONNA GET LAID TONIGHT". The guy coulden't take it no mo, so he
went to the pet store and complained. The pet store dude said, "It's a
common problem. What your parrot needs is some companionship, from
another bird. Here, try this one." The pet store dude hands the guy an
owl. The single guy says, "That

It's a great idea, but this is an owl, and I have a parrot!" The pet
store dude says (very sure of himself), "Don't worry, birds don't know
the difference." So the single guy takes the owl home. That night he
goes out and gets some stray puss. He's excited because he knows he'll
get it tonight; what with his bird satisfied and all. So he walks in
the door with his date and before he can offer her a drink the parrot
says, "ANOTHER ONE'S GONNA GET LAID TONIGHT!" The owl turns around and
says, "WHO-WHO" And the parrot snaps back, "NOT YOU, YOU FLAT-FACED
SONOFABITCH!"

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Q: What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
A: The wrinkles.

Q: Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank?
A: He was caught drinking on the job.

Q: Why are the Rams changing their name to the Tampons?
A: They're only good for one period and they have no second string.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Octopus?
A: I don't know but it sure can pick tomatoes.

Q: What's long, black and smelly?
A: The unemployment line.

Q: What did President Reagan say when he heard George Bush was killed?
A: "Who?"

Q: Why are they having trouble finding a cure for AIDS?
A: The scientists can't get the mice to butt fuck.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About 5 drinks.

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??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There were three undertakers at a convention.

The first said "I had a terrible case. A person fell from a window 5
floors up and it took me three days to make him presentable for the
wake".

The second said "Thats nothing. There was a window washer on the top
floor of the Empire State Building and his safety belt broke and he hit
5th Avenue. It took me a week to make him presentable for the wake."

The third undertaker said "You guys have it easy. There was a 747 flying
at 35000 feet and a Nun fell out. She sailed 35000 feet straight down
and landed on top of a fire hydrant. It took me a month to wipe the
smile off her face."

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A biker brought his woman into a truckstop one day and happened to
sit down beside a couple of truck drivers, both sitting with their
wives. Breakfast was served at both tables, and one of the truck
drivers turns to his wife and says "Can you pass the sugar,
Sugar?" The biker thought that was pretty smooth. The other
truck driver turned to his wife and asked "Pass me the honey,
Honey". The biker thought to himself: "Maybe I can be as sweet
talking as that". So he thought and he thought, and then he had
an inspiration. He turned to his woman: "Pass me the bacon, you
fucking pig!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A Texan went to Austrailia for a holiday, and was being shown around one
of the cattle stations in the Northern Territory. As they were driving
along, the Texan pointed at a cow and asked what it was. The station
owner said, "That's one of my prize Hereford heiffers." The Texan said,
"Shoot! That one wouldn't even be weaned yet back in Texas!"

A little while later, the Texan pointed at a ram and asked what it was.
The station owner said, "That's one of my stud Merino rams." The Texan
said, "Sheeoot! That ram is smaller than one of my new born lambs back
in Texas!"

By this time the station owner was pretty pissed off, and when the Texan
saw a mob of kangaroos and asked what they were, the station owner
replied, "What? Those little things? They're just a few grasshoppers..."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A couple from the midwest get married, and go on their honeymoon.
Neither of them know what they're supposed to do (their parents never
taught them). So they sit on the bed wondering what to do. When in
walks a man from room service. Seeing their confusion he recognizes
his oppurortunity.

He draws a circle on the floor, and tells the farmer boy to stand inside
the circle "no matter what!" He proceeds to undress the woman, and fuck
the shit out of her! When he is done he sees the farmer boy laughing in
the circle.

He asks, "What do you think's so funny? Didn't you just see what I just
did?" And the farmer boy answers, "I stepped out of the circle three
times, and you didn't even notice!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed; when the couple had
finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way
you are having intercourse." And he charged them $40.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying
to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we
can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $82.00; Hilton Hotels
charges $87.00. We do it here for $40.00 and I get $38.00 back
from Medicare for a visit to the doctors office."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Question: Do you know the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
Answer: 45 pounds...

Question: Do you know the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
Answer: 45 minutes...

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

An Aggie bought a handsome Ford station wagon with walnut paneling
and chrome strips and railings on the outside. After it was delivered
to his home he took a crowbar and started prying the wood panels and
metal strips off of the car. After two hours hard work, he stood back
and surveyed his work, and said disgustedly. "Hell, I think it looked
better before I uncrated it."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

This guy goes to a costume party with his girl. He's dressed as a
Scotsman, and he takes her home after the party and asks for a kiss
goodnight. She coyly says "Nay, McTavish." When he askes her why
not, she says, "Nay, McTavish.. I can see the gleam in your eye."
He tries again without any better result. On the third attempt,
the Scotsman closes his eyes as he asks her, but she still says.
"Nay, McTavish." He replies, "My eyes are closed! You can't
possibly see the gleam in my eye!" She says, "Nay, I can't
see the gleam in your eye, but I can see the tilt in your kilt!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Two men are drinking in a bar. One man says,
"Man oh man! I have had the terrible headache for weeks now, and every
doctor I go to says there is nothing wrong with me!"
The other says, "I used to have that same problem. Now, whenever I feel
a headache coming on, I go home and my wife sucks me off. My headache
goes away!"

The first man thought about that for a while, and said,
"Do ya think your wife will be home in about 20 minutes?"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not
to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold
that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began
to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought
it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large
cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The
cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate
him.

The moral of the story

- Everyone who sh*ts on you is not necessarily your enemy.
- Everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is not necessarily your friend.
- If you're warm and happy in a pile of sh*t, keep your mouth shut.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

OK, so there was this woman in a grocery store, checking her things our
Lets start over......

There was this woman checking out at the grocery store. The bagboy was
a good looking hunk, and the woman was getting turned on as he bagged
the groceries. He completed his task, and they headed for the door.....

As they walked out, this woman was really starting to get hot, and as
they reached the sidewalk just outside the store, she decided she would
drop a hint to the bagboy..... so she says "I've got an itchy pussy."

With that the bagboy turns to her and says "Look lady, you'll just have
to point out your car to me- these japanese models all look the same to
me"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Confucious Say.......

Woman who go to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.

Man who lays woman on ground, get piece of earth.

Man who kisses girls behind, get cracks in face.

Woman who spends too much time on bedspring, may get offspring.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Man and mouse all alike, both end up in pussy.

Man with kicked in testicles, left holding bag.

Man who sucks nipples, makes clean breast of things.

Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.

Man who fights with wife all day, gets no piece at night.

Man who snatches kisses at youth, kisses snatches when old.

Child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission,
grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Man who marries girl with no bust, have right to feel low down.

Wife who puts husband in doghouse, may see him in cathouse.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem, wake up with solution in hand.

Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.

Girl who douches with vinegar, walk around with sour puss.

Man with athletic fingers, make broad jump.

Kotex not best thing in world, but next to it.

Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A recent newspaper article reported on the research that some
scientists in California were doing on immortality. They discovered
that, if sea gulls were fed to porpoises, the porpoises would live
forever. One day, while they were driving back to their lab with a
load of baby sea gulls, a pair of mountain lions crossed the road in
front of them. The brakes failed on their van, and the two cats were
struck and killed. Before they had a chance to get rid of the evidence
(mountain lions are protected by state statutes), a policeman drove up
and wrote them a ticket. The charge? "Taking young gulls across state
lions for immortal porpoises."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There was a HUGE fire in an apartment building not so long ago, and
the top floor was out of reach from the firemans's ladders. On the top
floor there was a woman and her baby, about to be caught in the flames.

The firechief screamed up to her that they can't save her. She
replied, "I don't care about me, just save my baby!". Well, right then a
black man came up to the firechief and said ,"Chief, I'm the leading
reciever in the NFL.. I've caught more passes more often then anyone
else. I bet I can catch that baby!".

So, the woman sez Ok, and right at the last minute tosses her baby
downward. Around 57 stories from the ground, a gust of wind takes the
baby off course, and the reciever runs as fast as he can, trying to
catch up.

When the baby is just about to hit the ground, the man makes a
flying leap and gracefully swoops the baby up in his arms. Everyone
cheers...

The player jumps up, holds the baby high in the air, and promptly
spikes it right on the sidewalk.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A man had worked hard all his life, and finally decided to treat
himself to a little vacation in Hawaii. Well on the flight, he was
getting loaded on booze and eventually had to answer natures call.
He staggered back to the rest room only to find out that the Men's
room was out of order. He then asked the stewardess if it would be
alright to use the Ladie's room. She said it would, but warned him
"Whatever you do, DON'T push any of the buttons you see!" So he goes
in and sits down and startes lookin at these buttons. The first one
says "WW", the second says "PP" and the third one says "ATR". Well,
like any of us, curiousity got the best of him, and he pushes the button
marked "WW", to which he was treated to a cool dampening of warm water
on his tush. "Gee! This is GREAT!", he thought. So he pushed the
next button marked "PP". He was then treated to a comforting powder
puff on his bottom. Unable to resist finding out what "ATR" stood
for, he pushed that button. The next thing he knew, he was laying
on his back in this great big white room. A nurse comes up to him
and says, "How are you doing, Mr. Jones?" He is very weak and stunned
and answers, "O.k., I guess. What the heck happened?" "Well," the
nurse answers, "you pushed the button marked "WW", didn't you?" "Yeah!
That's right! I did!" "And then, Mr. Jones, you pushed the button
marked "PP", didn't you?" "Yeah! I sort of remember now!" "But then
you pushed the button marked "ATR", didn't you?", she asked with a
smile. "Yes, that's right I did! What the heck was that button for,
anyway?" "Mr. Jones, that was the Automatic Tampon Remover! By the
way, your peter is on your pillow next to you!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Old mother hubard
went to her cubard
to get her poor doggy a bone

When she bent over,
ROVER took over
and gave her a bone of his own!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A minister went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The owner said that he
had exactly what the man of the cloth was looking for. He had a
religious parrot. "It has two little strings attached to its legs. If
you pull the right string it recites 'The Lords Prayer.' If you pull
the other string, it recites 'The Song of Solomon.'"

"What happens if you pull both strings?"

The parrot says, "I'd fall off my fucking perch!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

It was their honeymoon night and the bride had put on a sheer nightgown
and crawled into bed...only to discover that her husband was about to go
to sleep on the couch. "GEORGE," she called out, "aren't you going to
make love to me?" "I can't honey," he replied, "because it's Lent."

"Oh My Goodness, that's awful," she exclaimed, bursting into tears.
"To whom, and for how long?"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There was this truck driver, driving down the road one day,when he
spotted a fine looking polish girl hitchhiking.So he pulls over and she
gets in and they continue down the road.She starts looking around the
inside of his truck and says,"Boy you sure do have alot of CB equipment
mister."The truck diver says,"Yep, I spend all my extra money on
it.This stuff here will reach all the way around the world."She looks
at him and says,"Boy,I'd do anything to talk to my mom back in Poland."
"Anything?"he says."Yes anything" she replies.So he undoes his pants
and whips out his dick and she grabs it and says, "Hello Mom?".

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There were two guys walking down the street.
They saw a dog licking its cock.
One of the guys said " Boy, I wish I could do that..."
The other guy said "You probably could, but you'd have to pat him a
little first."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

September 8, 1987

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington D.C.

Dear Sir:

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, recieved a check for
$1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever
made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he got your check
for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not
raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising
wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,

Jean Partridge

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There were 100 Nuns.

Mother Superior said "One Nun was seeing a man last night",
Ninty-nine nuns go "ooooh!"
One nun goes "he,he..."

Mother Superior said "They where in bed together"
Ninty-nine nuns go "ooooh!"
One nun goes "he,he..."

Mother Superior said "There was a condom found in the hallway"
Ninty-nine nuns go "ooooh!"
One nun goes "he,he..."

Mother Superior said "There was a hole in the condom"
Ninty-nine nuns go "he,he..."
One nun goes "ooooh!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

THEIR ARE THREE MEN WALKING IN A DESERT. TWO PROGRAMMERS AND ONE SYSTEMS
ANALYST. THE FIRST PROGRAMMER HAS A BAG OF FOOD.. THE SECOND PROGRAMMER
HAS A JAR OF WATER. AND THE SYSTEMS ANALYST HAS A CAR DOOR.

THE FIRST PROGRAMMER SAYS TO THE SECOND PROGRAMMER "WHY DID YOU BRING
THE WATER?" THE FIRST PROGRAMMER ANSWERS "IN CASE WE GET THIRSTY."
THE SECOND PROGRAMMER ASKS THE FIRST WHY HE BROUGHT THE FOOD. THE
FIRST PROGRAMMER RESPONDS "IN CASE WE GET HUNGRY."

AND THEN BOTH PROGRAMMERS ASK THE SYSTEMS ANALYST WHY HE BROUGHT THE CAR
DOOR? THE SYSTEMS ANALYST SAYS "IN CASE WE GET HOT ... WE CAN ROLL THE
WINDOW DOWN."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Saint Peter had the day off, so Jesus was watching the gate. He saw
that just outside was a little old man craning his neck, straining to
look in through the gate. Jesus walked over and asked him "Can I help
you?" and the old man said "No, I was just looking for someone". Jesus
said, "Well, tell me who they are, I might have seen them in here." So
the old man said "Well, I'm looking for my son. He used to help me in my
wood shop. I'm a wood cutter, you see. He used to help me with my tools
and making things..... then one day he just took up with some friends of
his and went wandering the country side. I sure miss him." Jesus
thought to himself 'woodshop? wood cutter? wandering around the country
side with friends?'. And so Jesus came closer to the gate and the old
man and said "Father?" The old man leaned forward and squinted at Jesus
and said "Pinochio?"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Jesus was hanging from the cross, and Mary was below. He started saying
in a hoarse whisper "peter.........peter.........." Hearing this, Mary
made straight away for the place where Peter was hiding. She told him
"You must come at once. Jesus is calling for you!" Peter said, "Are you
crazy? There's Roman soldiers all over the place. They know my face.
They'll kill me too!" But Mary insisted "Peter! Your Lord is calling
for you. You MUST go!" So he disguised himself and went up on the
mount. He heard Jesus calling as he approached ".... peter..... peter"
Peter came under the cross, and trying to look inconspicuous, said "I'm
here, Lord. I've risked my life to join you. What can I do?" And Jesus
replied " ..... peter........ I can see your house from up here ..."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A Japanese, a Russian, a Chinese man, and an American are on a plane
spiraling toward the ground. The only way to save the plane is for some
brave man to jump. The Japanese man says, "I'm going to do this for my
country!" (in Japenese, of course) and jumps. The Chinese man says,
"I'm going to do this for my country!" (in Chinese) and jumps. The
American says, "I'm going to do this for my country!" (in American) and
shoves the Russian out....

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Q. Whats the best way to come first in a womans thoughts????
A. BE SURE TO LET HER COME FIRST IN BED!!!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

THERE ARE TWO AMERICANS AND 1 POLOCK STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND AND
THEY FIND A BOTTLE WITH A GENIE IN IT AND IT GRANTS EACH OF THE MEN
1 WISH.

THE FIRST AMERICAN WISHES THAT HE WAS BACK AT HOME WITH HIS FAMILY
SO HE DISSAPPEARS AND HE IS HOME WITH HIS FAMILY.

THE SECOND AMERICAN WISHES THE SAME AND HE DISAPPEARS AND HE IS BACK
WITH HIS FAMILY.

AND THE POLOCK SAYS "GEE I'M LONELY I WISH MY FRIENDS WERE WITH ME"

SO ALL OF THE SUDDEN THE TWO AMERICANS APPEAR ON THE DESERT ISLAND
WITH THE POLOCK!!!!!!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Q: What's the definition of a good secretary?
A: One who never misses a period!!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Surgeons conference in Manila, usual drunken bar-room scene, three docs
are arguing over which are the easiest patients to work on. First
surgeon says, "It's definitely the Germans. You open up a Kraut, and
all the parts are numbered." "Naw," says the second cutter, "it's the
Japs. You open up a Jap and all the parts are color-coded." "You're
both wrong," says the third. "The easiest patients in the world to
operate on are lawyers-- they only have two functioning parts, the brain
and the asshole, and they're interchangeable."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A man and a woman were making love in bed. The man says to his female
partner, "open your legs wider please!" So she does. A little more
desperately the man says again, "Pleeeeeeease, open your legs wider."
So she does. Again, the man pleads his partner to open her legs wider..
and, infuriated, she says: " What are you trying to do, stick your balls
in me? "The man replies: "Shit No! I'm trying to get the damn things
out!! ".

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

An engineer and a mathematician were the last two customers in a bar.
Just before closing, the bartender tells them that both of his two sinks
got clogged and he needed some help bailing the water out. Both the
engineer and the mathematician go in back and bail out the full sinks
with buckets. The next day the same thing happens, only this time the
sinks are only half full of water. The engineer takes a bucket and
bails out the sink. The mathematician turns on the faucet, waits until
the sink becomes full and then, having reduced the problem to one he
previously solved, bails it out.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

- What do you call a black prostitute with braces?

- A Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker...

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The Marine boot campers were just coming out of the showers when the DI
stormed into the barricks. After coming to attention in the buff, the
DI started walking down the aisle. He stopped at Jones and grabbed a
handfull of love handle and asked, "Does this hurt?" as he twisted the
flab. "No sir!" replied Jones. "Why?" "Because I'm a Marine! Sir" He
walked up to Smith and tweeked his nipple. "Does that hurt?" "No Sir! I
am a Marine Sir!" was Smith's reply. The DI then spotted Thompson with
an erection. Moving down to him, he took his riding crop and hit the
erection hard. "Does that hurt Thompson?" "No Sir!" "Why not Thompson?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me Sir!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS FOR
NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1: Wrap your stump, before you hump.
2: Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
3: Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4: When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5: Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6: You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7: If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8: If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9: If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10: It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11: She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12: If you go into heat, package your meat.
13: While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
14: When you take off her pants & blouse, suite up your trouser mouse.
15: Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16: Never, never decker with an unwrapped pecker.
17: Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18: The right selection - protect your erection.
19: Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20: A crank with armor will never harm her.
21: No glove, no love.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Troutman's Laws of Computer Programming
(and see Peck's Programming Postulates)

1) Any running program is obsolete.
2) Any planned program costs more and takes longer.
3) Any useful program will have to be changed.
4) Any useless program will have to be documented.
5) The size of a program expands to fill all available memory.
6) The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight
of its output.
7) The complexity of a program grows until it exceeds the capability
of its maintainers.
8) Any system that relies on computer reliability is unreliable.
9) Any system that relies on human reliability is unreliable.
10) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English,
and you will find that programmers can not write in English.
11) Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

As the State Trooper pulled up to the scene, he was horrified by the
extent of damage and bloodshed. He rushed up to one of the victims, a
30ish man in a business suit, ready to perform first aid on the man's
severed arm, but all the man could do was stare at his BMW and moan, "My
Beemer, my Beemer!!!!" The officer shook the man forcefully and said,
"Sir, you've got to forget about the car! We need to take care of your
arm!" The yuppie seemed to come around, then looked down and said, "My
Rolex! My Rolex!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

When Adam and Eve finished their first sexual encounter, Eve went down
to the lake to take a bath. Adam saw her in the water and said, "OH
SHIT, now the fish are smell like it too!!!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

An italian, a Jew, and a Greek were walking down the sidewalk
when--ZAP--a bolt of lightening came down and killed all three
instantly. Up they went to the gates of heaven, where St. Peter
greeted them warmly.

"Saint Peter, you cant do this to us," they protested vehemently.
"We're young men in the prime of life. PLEASE let us go on living."

St. Peter pondered the issue. "Well," he finally pronounced, "I'll
let you go back to Earth on one condition: that from this moment on,
you all promise to abstain from your one most favorite activity."

The young men lost no time in giving their fervent promises,
and--WHAM--found themselves back walking down the sidewalk. What should
they come across on the corner but a pizza parlor. The Italian broke
into a sweat. Unable to resist temptation, he dashed in, ordered a
slice, took a bite, and--POOF!--vanished in a puff of smoke. The Jew
and Greek were understandably sobered by this event and continued
walking, when a quarter rolled across the sidewalk.

His eyes lighting up, the jew bent over to pick it up.

And --POOF!-- the Greek disappeared.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A duck went into a pharmacy to purchase some condoms. When he got to
the counter the pharmasist asked "Do you want this put on your bill"?
The duck replied "No, i wear them the same place everyone else does."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Three old ladies were sitting on a bench in Central Park when a man came
up and flashed them. Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and the
second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady couldn't reach.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Q. Why do dogs lift their leg to pee???
A. Shifts his ass out of gear so he doesn't shit on his paws!!!!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

there are 4 guys in a desert bar
and one says "if you find a Gold Cobra in the desert it'll give you 3
wishes"
and the other 3 guys start on there way into the desert to find the
cobra and they look for days and days until they see it and chase it
down.
the first guy says to the cobra "I want a Rolls Royce a million dollars
and a wife like Morgan Fairchild"
the second says " I want a Caddy 10 million dollars and a wife like
Cher"
the third ,a polock, says " I want 100 million dollars a Trans Am and
I need to think of the third one "
the snake says "take your time and just say <I wish I xx>
and on the way home the polock sees a sign and starts singing "I wish I
was an Oscar Myers Wiener" and he gets his wish

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

This is a true story that happened to a friend a few days ago: Well,
she was waiting for the bus, and there was a black man there waiting
also. When the bus finally came, she got on the bus, and so dod the
black man. After the bus started moving, the man stood up and shouted
to the whole bus: I want everyone here to know that this woman (he
pointed to my friend), is Nikita Krushevs neice. Now my friend was
beginning to feel real stupid, so she just kind of sat there, but an
elderly lady came up to her and said: Dont worry dear, Jimmy Carters
mother got off at the last stop!!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There was this kid standing along side the road hitchhiking and
he had a little dog sitting beside him. A guy in a sports car drove
up and asked him ,"Hey Kid, Do you need a ride?". The kid said that
he did, but asked if his dog could come too. The guy said ,"You can
come, but not your dog." This was O.K. with the kid and he told the
guy that his dog would just run alongside the car.
So off they went down the road, the kid in the car and the dog running
along outside. At about 40 miles per hour the guy said,"Where's your
dog at?"
The kid replied,"He right outside."
After they reached 55 m.p.h. the guy said,"Where's you dog NOW?!"
The kid replied,"Why, he's right beside the car."
This pissed the guy off, so he floors the car and when he's goin
about 75, he says,"So, where's your goddamn dog now!!!"
The kid again replies,"He's running along outside."
Uuurck, the car slams to a halt and the guy jumps out and runs around
the back of the car, and sure enough- there's the dog! Just then the
kid walks up and the guy says,"Sure enough there he is, but what's
that red thing around his neck??"
The kid replies,"Oh, that's his asshole, he's not used to stopping
that fast!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The Pissed Off Cowboy

Shortly after the fall round-up, the cattle were loaded into the cattle
car and shipped to Chicago for market. Each car had an attendant to go
on the trip in order that the cattle might be fed and watered. Here is
the story of one cowboy.

Following the unloading of the cattle in the Chicago stockyards,this
cowboy headed uptown to a resturant for dinner. The only seat in the
house was next to a young lady who was about twenty years old and
appeared to be well educated and wealthy. As the cowboy sat down next to
the young lady he heard her placing her order. "I'll have breast of
young pheasant under glass, virgin, make sure it's a virgin, catch it
yourself, garnish it with fresh fries and parsly and bring me a cup of
coffee, not to hot, not to cold, and water, open the windows please, I
smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in the room."

Thouroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order in this manner.
"I'll have a duck, a fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it
yourself; garnish my plate with horseshit, bring me a mug of beer as
strong as Texas mule piss and blow the foam with a fart, oh, and waiter,
kick down the wall, I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A husband and wife are going out to dinner and they ask the
wife's father to babysit their daughter. He agrees. The parents leave
and the girl and the grandfather were playing games. Suddenly the
grandfather drops his pants (underwear included). The little girl cries
out "Grandpa, Grandpa, whats that?" pointing at his exposed area. He
replies, " Thats my puppet, dear." The little girl then says "Can I
play with it?" He says "Sure, but first you have to stroke it like this
and then it will get twice as big and real hard."

An hour later the parents come home just as an ambulance is
pulling away from their driveway. They run into the house to see if
their little girl is alright. When they see her playing with her dolls
in her room they ask what happens and she repies, "Mommy, Mommy,
Grandpa's puppet spit at me so I bit its head off."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Life in the fast Lane

There was this Business executive who decided he needed a little
rest room the daily Routine, so he decided to take his pretty young
secretary to a motel and spend the day.

He rented a very nice motel room and they spent the day drinking,
going to bed, having lunch, more drinking, going to bed again, and
so on,until finally around five o'clock when they had to go their
seperate ways.

On the way home he was thinking just what he could tell his wife
if she insisted on having a party that night.

He drove up the driveway of his home and sure enough, there was
his wife at the door all arrayed in a pretty gown and negligee, with
his pipe slippers, and a cool drink. She led him into the house,
with all the sweetness she possessed, to his favorite chair.

He thought, "boy this is going to lead to something good!"

They sat back and relaxed, sipping their drinks and talking when
suddenly she stated that she had forgotten something in the bedroom.
She got up and said, I'll be right back.

He thought, "oh boy, here it comes!" As soon as she left, he
jumped up, unzipping his trousers, pulled out "ol Jasper" and started
to bend and whipit around trying to get some life in it, but nothing
happened. It didn't help a bit. He heard her returning so he stuffed
ol Jasper back into his trousers and closed the zipper, sat down, and
sighed.

They continued their conversation. His wife asked if he would
care for another drink, to which he replied that he would. So off she
went to the Kitchen to fix another drink.

Immediately he jumped up and opened his trousers again, out with
ol Jasper and tried again-up and down - around and around - back and
forth - in and out - allthis with much more vigor than before, but to
no avail. He would just have to tell his wife that he was too tired
for fun and games tonight.

She returned with their drinks, sat down and said, "Dear, I have
a most wonderful suprise for you and I know you will be perfectly
delighted." "He thought, "sure I will" and said, "Well, what is it"
she answered sweetly with a sly smile and said, "Guess what?"

"Were on Candid Camera !!!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Notice of Tax Increase

To all taxpayers:

Gentleman:
The only property left untaxed by the United States of America,
is the individual male organ. Mainly because 98% of the time it is
out of work and the remaining 2% of the time, it's in a hole.
However, your organ has two dependents who are both nuts.
Accordingly effective now and under the revised Tax Act, the
individual Male Organ will be Taxed according to size, using the
peter organ chart below to determine it's category.

Nature of Tax:

From 10-12 inches - an individual will pay luxuary Tax.
From 8-10 inches - an individual will pay poll Tax.
From 6- 8 inches - an individual will pay privelege Tax.
From 4- 6 inches - an individual will pay nuisance Tax.

Anyone falling under 4 inches is eligible for refund. No witholding
Tax is authorized and please do not request an extension. Males
exceeding 12 inches should file under capital gain Tax. Olease be
guided accordingly. Thank you.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Do you know why shit is tapered off on the end?
So your asshole don't slam shut!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

This elephant was walking in the forest when he heard a small voice
yelling "help, help". He looked around and saw a very small hole in the
ground with a mouse in it. The mouse said "I fell in this hole, can you
help me out?" The elephant thought a moment and said "I'll try." He
then got over the hole and bent down so the mouse could grab hold of his
dick and get out of the hole. The mouse thanked him and left. A few
days later the mouse was walking through the forest and heard a large
voice yelling "HELP, HELP". Looking around he saw the elephant in a
great big hole in the ground. The elephant said "I fell in this hole,
can you help me out?" The mouse said "Be right back" and split.
He came back a few minutes later driving a Mercedes, tied a rope to the
bumper, threw it to the elephant and pulled him out.

Moral: You don't need a big dick if you have a Mercedes.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

One day John is out walking in the woods.. he hears rustling behind a
bush, so he peeks in, and is surprised to see the biggest god-damn bear
he had ever seen! Being a very intelligent coward, John screams
like-hell and starts running like mad ... the bear, also surprised to
see John, gets pissed and starts chasing John.

Since bears can run almost 35 miles per hour, it wasn't long till the
bear caught up with John. But just as bear raised it's paw to slash John
into ribbons, it slipped and crashed to the ground.

Not to be detered, the bear takes up the chase once again, and once
again the bear gets within striking distance of John just to, once
again, slip and crash to the ground.

This happens twice more until the bear gets tired of crashing to the
ground and eventually gives up the chase.

John, however, doesn't know the bear has stopped chasing him until he
reaches the ourtskirts of town. Making his way to a local bar, John
order a triple whiskey and tells the bartender his story of a close
call with the man-eating bear.

After listening intently for several minutes, the bartender whistles
and says, "Wow, if I'd been you, I'd have shit in my pants!" John nods
vigorously and says, "What do you think that damn bear was slippin' in!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair.
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his shar
He stumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet.
And stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About this time two young and lovely girls just happened by.
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye,
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?"

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
And lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They lingered for a moment then one said "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie stars the Scot's kilt did lift and show.

Well the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees.
He lifted up his kilt and then gawked he sees.
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
"Oh, lad, don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Q: Why is an airplane like a woman?
A: They both have cockpits

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The Lone Ranger and TONTO go into a bar for a nice cold drink. After
a few drinks a cowboy comes up and says "Whose big white horse is
that out there?" The Lone Ranger says "That is my horse, why do you
ask?" "Well," replies the cowboy "it is awfully warm out there
today and your horse is just sitting on there in the sun getting hot".

"Hmm, you're right" says the Lone Ranger, "Tonto, go out there and run
circles around Silver and create a breeze so he will get cooled off".
"Ugh keemosabee, me do" said Tonto as he headed out the door.

A few hours later another cowboy comes in the bar and says "Whose big
white horse is it out there?" The lone Ranger says "That is my horse.
Why do you ask?" The cowboy answered "Well, you left your injun
running"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A couple was stranded on a deserted island, the only two survivors
of a shipwreck. After months of begging, the guy convinced the
girl to give up her virginity because they were not going to be
rescued. After a while the girl became so ashamed of what she was doing
that she stopped eating and died.
About three months later the guy became so ashamed of what he was
doing that he buried her!!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Q. Whats WORSE than a piano thats out of tune????
A. An organ that stops working in the middle of a piece!!!!!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

This drunk guy comes home one night and climbs in bed with his
wife.After a little while he lets out a big fart.His wife says "What
the hell was that". So the drunk goes "We're playing football,the score
is 6 to nothing".So his wife starts thinking she'll play too.She lets
out a big fart and the drunk says "What the hell was that?" "I'm
playing too", she says,"and the score is tied 6-6." So the drunk tries
and tries to fart and winds up shitting in the bed and his wife
says"What the hell was that?".The drunk replies"It's half time,time to
switch sides".

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

HOW TO READ AN ADVERTISMENT

When It Says: It Really Means:
-------------- ----------------
Available Now! We overstocked / We can't sell any.
(Alternative: We have a really hot
item at an outrageous price)

State-of-the-Art Design We can't get the chips yet but we hope
to before manufacturing starts.

Proven reliability Antiquated technology and obsolete
parts.

Compatible with most systems Favor us with a big enough order and
we'll start designing an interface

Tremendous expandibility The unbundled "bare-bones" system with
the low advertised price is virtually
useless.

User-friendly Slow, eats memory for lunch, and
probably won't meet your specific needs
(but for a fat consulting fee, we'll be
happy to customize it for you).

Advanced features We couldn't get rid of the quirks/bugs
in the system, so we're pretending we
planned them all along.

Competitively priced Costs less than IBM's.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

what do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
99% of the time you get an onion with long ears;
1% of the time you get such a good piece of ass it brings tears
to your eyes...

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The Geography of a Woman

From 13 to 18 yrs of age - She is like Africa -- "A Virgin and unexplored"

From 18 to 35 yrs of age - She is like Asia -- "Hot and Exotic"

From 35 to 45 yrs of age - She is like America --"Truly explored and
Free with her
Resources"

From 45 to 55 yrs of age - She is like Europe -- "Exhausted but still
with points of
interest"

From 55 yrs on - She is like Australia -- "Everyone knows it's
down there, but
nobody gives a damn"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The Russian wrestling champ is undefeated. He has this special hold
called the pretzel, and no one has ever broken out of it. He has
travelled to Toronto to wrestle the Canadian champ, and the stadium is
packed and reporters from all over the world are in attendance. So the
fight begins, and the Canadian moves in, grabs the Russian, and throws
him to the mat. The Russian gets up, and they close in again, and again
the Canadian gets the Russian down. Well this continues for most of the
fight, and the Russian decides it's time to use the 'pretzel'. A couple
of quick, tricky moves, and he's got the Canadian pinned on the mat, in
the pretzel hold.

The two squirm about for what seems like an eternity, until the Canadian
twists his head and sees a penis within reach of his mouth. He opens
wide and chomps down hard!

A scream of anguish is heard and the Canadian is out of the hold just as
the match is over! The reporters crowd around him, and one says - "That
was incredible. No one has ever broken the pretzel hold. Tell us how
you did it."

The Canadian wrestler replies: "Ah, it was no problem, eh. It's
amazing what you can do when you bite your own dick."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

O.K. There's this shipwrecked guy, and he ends up on a tropical
island where the only English speaking guy was the chief. So, the chief
really liked this guy, and so did everybody else, so they invited him to
play in the golf tournament they were going to have the next day. The
guy says OK and goes off exploring.

He finds the chief's daughter and is feeling sort of horny, so he
decides to have sex with her. He thought that he was doing great,
because during the entire thing, the daughter was yelling "Oopie, Oopie,
Twa!". The guy thought that this meant he was doing a great job.

Anyway, the next day at the tournament, the chief gets a hole-in-one.
To show off, the guy decides to use his new native vocabulary and say
"Oopie, Oopie, Twa!". The chief turns to him and says, "Wrong hole?
What do you mean wrong hole?"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A man goes into an ol'country doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I got me 10 kids. Don't want no mor'kids. You got's ta hep!"
The ol'time country doctor gets out his medical book and looks up
the problem. "Lemme'see .... says here on page 14, man's agot too
many kids ...." The ol'doc reads a little further to himself,
"hmmmm .... yep, I gotta cut off your right nut." The man moans,
"Aw damn, Okay doc, do it!" So the doctor cuts off his right nut.

About a year later, the same man returns to the ol'time
country doctor. "Doc, Now I got's me 11 kids! Gotta stop!"
The ol'time doctor gets out his medical book and reads, "Says
on page 14, man got too many kids, cut off right nut, still
hav'in kids? Turn to page 98." So the ol' country doctor
flips the page and finishes reading to himself, ".... hmmmmm
.... look like I gotta cut off your left nut, too." The man
moans, "Aw Damn, Okay doc, Do it!" So the doctor cuts off his
left nut too!

About a year later, the same man returns to the country doctor,
"Damn It Doc! Now I got's me 12 kids! You jus'gotta hep me!"
The ol'doctor looks the man up and down and says, "Well, let's
check the book." Mumbling to himself he reads, "Says here on page
98, too many kids, right & left nuts already gone, man still hav'in
kids, turn to page 274." The o'l doctor flips the page and keeps
reading, "hmmmmm .... well looks like we gots us a problem, says
here, too many kids, right & left nuts already gone, man still
hav'in kids,.... seems like I done cut the nuts off the WRONG MAN."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

There once was a minister who was known far and wide as a terrific
speaker. One evening, he gave a talk on the subject of sex. His wife
was a prim and proper lady, so to spare her any embarrassment he told
her that he had spoken on Sailing.

Later that week, one of the people who had heard his talk
complimented his wife on the fine speech he had given.

"Well, I don't know why he chose that subject," she said. "He's only
tried it twice in his life. The first time he got seasick, and the
second time his hat blew off!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Two welfare moms were waiting for the dryers to stop spinning at the
laundromat and struck up a conversation on their topic in common - their
kids:

WM#1: I have three boys, Robert, Richard and Raymond. Named 'em all
with the first letter R 'cause I liked that idea.

WM#2: I have three boys, too. They're named Leroy, Leroy and Leroy,
'cause I like the name Leroy. And it makes it easy at supper time. All
I have to do is holler "Leroy, time for supper" and all three of 'em
come. I holler "Leroy, time to go to bed," and all three of 'em go.
"Leroy, time to get up and get ready for school," and all three of 'em
gets up.

WM#1: Well, that's nice, but what if *one* of the Leroys does something
wrong, and you need to holler for him, but not the other two?

WM#2: That's easy, then I holler for 'em by their last names.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Well, this one guy was inexperienced with sex so his friends
paid for a call girl to come and teach him a few lessons, unaware that
this call girl had recently eaten beans. So this guys friends tell her
to get in a 69 with him and later tell the guy what they had planned.
Well, later that night, while the call girl and the guy are in the
acclaimed position she lets out a tremendous fart, right in his face,
well, the guy not thinking much of it, continues as he was going, well,
a few minutes later, she lets out another one.

"That's It!" exclaimed the guy. "This feels real good but i
don't know if i can handle another 67 of those!!!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Q: Whats the *SHORTEST* bedtime story???
A: "NO!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A woman walks into a butcher shop, and says, "Gimme a Long Island
chicken!" The butcher says, "No problem, lady," having no idea what
the hell a long island chicken is. He pulls a chicken off the rack and
gives it to the lady. She takes it, shoves her finger up its butt,
spins it three times, and says, "This chicken's from Florida." So, he
pulls out another chicken. She goes through the process with this
chicken and several more, until she finally gets a Long Island chicken.
As the young man is packaging the chicken, the lady says, "You're a
nice boy...Where're you from?" The man bends over and says, "Hey lady,
you tell me!!!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Q: What must we all do before we can receive forgivness for our sins?
A: We Must Sin!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

WHO'S BOSS?
----------------------------
When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would
be the Boss.

The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body,
he should be Boss.

The Legs argued that since they took the Mam wherever he wanted to go,
he should be the Boss.

The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested
all the food, he should be the boss.

The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should
be Boss.

Then the Ass Hole applied for the Job. The other parts of the body
laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and closed up.

After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Leggs got wobbly, the Stomach
got ill, the Eyes got corssed and were unable to see.

They all finally conceded and made the Ass Hole Boss.

This proves you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...Just an Ass Hole.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

These 2 nuns were walking down the street one evening after
going to the local 7-11, (oops Circle-K). And as they were walking down
the street, these 2 men grabbed them and began to rape them, the first
nun said "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." But the
second nun said, "Shuddup sister this one does!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

True Story:
I recently went to the Ole South Fly-In. While sitting
under the wing of an airplane, watching the air show, a man and his
young son walked up to look at the plane. The son pointed to the ELT in
the back of the plane's cabin and asked his dad "What's that?". "That's
the Emergency Locator Transmitter", his dad replied. "Well, what's it
do?", asked the son. The father responded "It tell when you've crashed".
The young son got a strnage look on his face for a moment and then said
"That's stupid, you know when you've crashed!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

a blind man goes to a lumber yard seeking employment. the foreman tries
to get rid of the guy because he's blind. the blind man then says,
"look, i know i can't see, but i can tell you how big a board is and
what kind of wood it is just by smelling it." somewhat impressed, the
foreman has two men bring out a piece of wood. they set it down and the
blind man takes a deep sniff and says, "that's a 4 by 8 sheet of
poplar". of course, he was right! still not convinced, the foreman
brought out another board and set it down. the blind man smells it
and says, "that there's a 6 foot 2 by 4 of cherry" the foreman is now
in shock because the blind man was right again. the foreman then
decides he's going to mess with the blind man's mind a bit and gets his
secretary. he whispers for her to lay down in front of the blind man.
the blind man takes a good whiff and looks confused. he then said, "i'm
not sure. turn that board over." the secretary rolls over and the
blind man takes another good sniff. he then proudly says, "why that's a
shithouse door on a tuna boat!"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Mary had a little lamb
She kept in her back yard
When she took her panties down
His wooly Dick got hard!

Mary had a little pig
An ornery little runt
He stuck hit nose up Mary's dress
And sniffed her little cunt.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Q: What looks like a Walrus and sees stars?
A: A baby Seal being clubbed to death!

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the
other,"There is no toilet paper over here - do you have any over there?"
The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any either"
The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"
The second man says, "No, sorry!"
The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Dear boss I write this note For to tell you of my plight.
And at the time of writing, I am not a pretty sight.
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray.
And I write the note to say why Paddy's not a work today.

While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear.
For to throw them down from off the top, seemed quite a good idea.
But the foreman, he would not agree, he being an awful sod.
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladder in my hod.

Well clearing all these bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow,
So I hoisted up a barrell, and secured the rope below.
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
That a barrell full of building bricks is heavier than me.

So when I untied the rope, of course, the barrell fell like lead,
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found
That halfway up, I met the bloody barrell comin' down.

Well the barrell broke my shoulder as towards the ground it sped.
And when I finally reached the top, I banged the pulley with my head.
I clung on tight, though numb with shock, from that allmighty blow,
While the barrell spilled out half it's bricks some 14 floors below.

Well when the bricks had fallen from the barrell to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrell, so I started down once more.
Clinging tightly to the rope, I raced towards the ground,
And I landed on those broken bricks that lay scattered all around.

While I laid there moaning, for I thought I'd passed the worst,
But when the barrell hit the top, 'twas then the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks rains down on me, I didn't have a hope.
And in the great confusion, I let go the bloody rope.

Well the barrell now was heavier, and it started down once more.
And it landed right on top of me, as I lay there on the floor.
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say,
That I hope you understand why Paddy's not at work today.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

A little boy who lived on a farm came home from school one day in a very
bad mood. As he was walking down the path to the house a chicken walked
in front of him. He kicked it in the ass. Then as he walked further a
pig got in his way so he kicked it in the ass. When he got to the house
he flung open the door, walked in and SLAMMED it. He threw his books
down and stomped into the kitchen. His mother was cooking supper. She
looked at him and said "Uh-huh. I saw what you did. You kicked a
chicken in the ass so no eggs for a week. you kicked a pig in the ass
so no bacon for a week. Now go sit in the corner.". An hour later his
dad drives up stomps into the house SLAMS the door. The pet cat walks
up to him and starts rubbing against him so he kicks it in the ass. The
little boy looks at his mother, smiles and says "Are you going to tell
him, or can I?".

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

"REAL Programmers" disdain structured programming. Structured
programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely
toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp
pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

"REAL Programmers" don't believe in schedules. Planners make
schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive
to meet schedules. "REAL Programmers" ignore schedules.

"REAL Programmers" don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending
machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't
sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.

"REAL Programmers" don't comment their code. If it was hard to
write, it should be hard to understand.

"REAL Programmers" don't document. Documentation is for simps who
are too stupin to read the listings or object deck.

"REAL Programmers" don't eat quiche. In fact, "REAL Programmers"
don't know how to spell quiche. They eat twinkies and szechuan
food.

"REAL Programmers" don't play tennis or any other sport that
requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and
"REAL Programmers" wear their climbing boots to work in case a
mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine
room.

"REAL Programmers" don't write application programs. They program
right down to the bare metal. Application programming is for
feebs who can't do system programming.

"REAL Programmers" don't write in APL, unless the whole program
can be written on one line.

"REAL Programmers" don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers
write in BASIC, after the age of 12.

"REAL Programmers" don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy
applications programmers.

"REAL Programmers" don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for
pipe-stress freaks and crystallography weenies.

"REAL Programmers" don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs
contain more parenthesis than actual code.

"REAL Programmers" don't write in PASCAL or BLISS or ADA, or any
of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for
people with weak memories.

"REAL Programmers" don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers
who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

"REAL Programmers" don't write in "C". There has to be something
wrong with a language who's next generation gets a low grade
then its prior.

"REAL Programmers" write in the machine's native binary code, ASM
macros are those who can't divide HEX numbers in their head.

"REAL Programmers" don't write specs - users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they
get.

"REAL Programmers" like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in
the microwave oven. "REAL Programmers" use the heat from the CPU.
They can tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping.

"REAL Programmers" never touch microcomputers because microcomputers
are obviously not REAL computers. Otherwise you'd be able to pop
popcorn on them.

"REAL Programmers" never work 9 to 5. If any "REAL Programmers" are
around at 9am, it's because they were up all night.

"REAL Programmers" scorn floating-point arithmetic. The decimal
point was invented for pansy bed wetters who are unable to think
big.

"REAL Programmers'" programs never work right the first time. But
if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into
working in `only a few' 30-hour debugging sessions.

Definition: PROGRAMMER n. (1) One who claims or appears to be engaged
in the perpetration of programs. (2) The systems analyst's diplomatic
attache at the alien court of the CPU. (3) One engaged in a practical,
nonsystematic study of the halting problem. (4) "A harmless druge."
-Lord Bowden, 1953.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Two guys are sitting in the bleachers watching a softball game. One of
the guys, Sam, starts looking around and notices that in the bleachers
directly opposite him, there appears to be a very pretty young lady
sitting with a short skirt on and her legs are apart. He can see all
the way up to the black patch at the top.

Sam nudges Bill and says, "Look, you can see that girl's black panties
over there." Bill looks and then tells Sam, "Those aren't panties,
that's her hair."

Sam and Bill argue for awhile about this, Sam insisting that the black
area was panties, Bill that the black area was hair. They decided to
settle it and tell the boy selling hotdogs, "We'll give you $20 to
settle an argument for us." Pointing out the girl, Sam says, "go over
and sell a few rows below her and when you are in front of her, look up
and see if that is panties or hair we are looking at." The hotdog boy
agrees and away he goes.

A little while later, the hotdog boy returns to the excitement of Sam
and Bill.

Sam asks, "Those were panties, right?" "No Sir" comes the reply.

"Aha!" exclaimed Bill, "I told you it was hair!"

"It wasn't hair either Sir" related the hotdog boy.

"What? If not panties and not hair, then what the hell is it?" demanded
Sam and Bill in unison.

 
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