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Light bulb jokes
/******************************************************************************/
Notes on the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes:
This file is the canonical collection of light bulb jokes, posted as
a public service to prevent a steady trickle of light bulb jokes must
of which will be repeats. Light bulb jokes have a period of four to
six months between recurrances, and long-time news readers look forward
with dread to each new round of the same old jokes.
It is possible to construct infinite small variations by substituting
particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding certain jokes
into seventy line monsters. I have resisted this impulse.
Of course you may substitue any ethnic group for '<ethnic>'. It would
spoil the fun for me to pick on a single ethnic group when there are so
many, and when I don't know your personal prejudices.
The WASPs in the following jokes are `White Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and
are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose-lifestyle people.
In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California, they are
'Marin County' jokes and so on.
!WARNING! This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be
offensive to members of the following groups:
Californians Oregonians New Yorkers New Jersey-ians
Generals Politicians Marxists supply-side economists
Athletes Students artists Professors
Psychiatrists Frat boys Doctors Lawyers
Christians Jews Zen Budhists gods
Vice Presidents Managers <ethnics> Russians
Feminists mice Homosexuals Lesbians
Software people IBM employees WASPs Bell-Labs Employees
and by now many others who are offended to have been left off this
list. The last time I looked there were 111 jokes in this file.
----- The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes -----
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None a ya damn business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A': Two. One always leaves
in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks/FSE's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They always work in the dark!!!!
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A:: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A:: None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
Q: How many WASPs (Californians) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in
hot tubs.
Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats not funny!!!
Q': How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Women" and it's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A'":Zen Masters don't need to screw in light bulbs because they
carry their own light with them.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Notes: This has also been said of Virginians.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. There never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was
lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
down off the keg.
A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the
room spins.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
Q: How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
Q: How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
A: None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. Oh, excuse me could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
Notes: Ugh!
Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many junkies does it take?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They
consider this joke to be a discrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,0000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on how many defective bulbs they brought.
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with
gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light
you need.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to
reach the bulb.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change a lightbulb joke?
A: The probability that a given lightbulb joke will be submitted to
the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it
will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 .
Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no
submitter of a lightbulb joke ever seems to know it has been
submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
that it will change in a given week is .08 . So it takes about
12.5 lightbulb jokes to change a lightbulb joke.
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some
minor variation of it!
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a lightbulb joke?
A: 1000: One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, thats a hardware problem"
/******************************************************************************/
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