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Lawyer jokes
Collection of Lawyer Jokes - Offensive to Attorneys & Lawyers
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Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army
was captured on is way through the mountains. All were
courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a
priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who
excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he
was then executed.
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It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin
headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
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A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
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Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a
little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in
need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it
gets fixed if you will help pay for it."
Lucifer: "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."
Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help
pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."
Lucifer: "Ha!! Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!"
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
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A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to
stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging,
with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them,
and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes
out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.
A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on
the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There is a cow in
the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with cattle." So the rabbi
and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the
hindu, and the rabbi goes out.
Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to
go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door
they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the barn. Surely you
can't expect me to sleep with a pig!".
Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi
into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately,
there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the
pig and the cow. "Surely you can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer."
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There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
- Jean Giradoux
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who
know the judge.
"I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's
discuss his absence of character!
- Michael Lara
"There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his
income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as
'unearned income.'"
- ibid
Between grand theft and a legal fee,
there only stands a law degree.
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