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More jokes
The following was downloaded from Gene Plantz's BBS under
the name "Cookies.txt". There are approximately 54 pages
of this stuff....It'll take a while to read all of it....
======================================================================
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
He who hesitates is last.
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
A man's house is his hassle.
Chaste makes waste.
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
Programmers get overlaid.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately
- He'll kiss it and make it better!
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out,
BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Friction is a drag.
What fools these morals be!
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
Love America - or give it back.
Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
Biology grows on you.
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Go climb a gravity well.
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right
to tell such LIES!
Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch,
and one loop.......... And at least one bug!
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Invest in physics - own a piece of Dirac!
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec.
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
I found a pile of them over in the corner.
If it works, Don't fix it.
Alex Haley was adopted!
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Gravity brings me down.
When you're up to your hips in alligators,
You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat
a psychopath to your door.
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
Lake Erie died for your sins.
While money can't buy happiness,
it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.
May all your PUSHes be POPed.
COLE's LAW - Thinly sliced cabbage.
Do married women make the best wives?
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
Orcs really aren't so bad
(if you use lots of catsup).
It is hard to fly with the eagles
When you work with the turkeys.
Nuke the Whales!
Basic is a high level languish.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than
in nuclear power plants.
Teachers have class.
Found on a door in the MSU music building:
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise
for the reader.
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
Constants aren't; variables don't.
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving": a female kitten.
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.
***
*******
*********
****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
*******
***
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
Neutrinos are into physicists.
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
"Where no man has gone before"
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Neuroses are red,
Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
What are you?
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Weekend, where are you?
Grass is nature's way of saying "High!"
Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
Individualists unite!
Money is the root of all wealth.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid
doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!
Happiness is twin floppies.
Happiness is a hard disk.
Teamwork is vital!
(It gives you someone to blame.)
Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate.
If all men were brothers,
would you let one marry your sister?
I'm all for computer dating,
But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture.
Chemists really know their bismuth.
If everything is coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane!
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
Documentation is the castor oil of programming ...
Managers know it must be good because the programmers
hate it so much.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
The generation of random numbers is too important
to be left to chance.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming
must be the process of putting them in.
Computers Unite! You have nothing to lose but your operators.
Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical?
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
An expert is someone from out of town.
If you see an onion ring
-answer it!
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Poverty begins at home.
Do it today,
Tomorrow it will be illegal.
In case of fire,
yell "FIRE!"
Postmen never die,
they just lose their zip.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Old frogs never die,
But they do croak!
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Every time I lose weight,
It finds me again!
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
Whom computers would destroy,
they must first drive insane.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Clones are people two.
Microwaves frizz your heir.
Laetrile is the pits.
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogadro at 6.02 X 10
Neil Armstrong tripped.
God did not create the world in seven days.
He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and
Incommode You".
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun,
but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy!
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
There's no future in time travel.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Confucious say too damn much!
Reality does not exist - yet.
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
Never leave anything to chance;
make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
Small programs are for small minds.
All programmers want arrays!
I BM. You BM. We all BM for IBM!
Satyrs have more faun.
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Fauns are never Satyr-sfied!
Astronauts get missile-toe.
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
Raise ducks for quack profit.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof
because fools are so ingenious.
Interchangeable parts won't.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you
don't know where to go to erase it.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
if you don't use your thumbs.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal,
if you are all thumbs.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been defined
several times by example of what it is not.
APL is a write only language:
You can write programs in it; but try and read them!
Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros.
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
Practiss makes perfict.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages
will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
Two is company, three is an orgy.
He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
Do unto others before they undo you.
He who hesitates is constipated.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
The best things in life are for a fee.
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end
I wouldn't be suprised!
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
Topologists are just plane folks.
Pilots are just plane folks.
Carpenters are just plane folks.
Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
Musicians are just playin' folks.
Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Astronauts are out to launch.
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons
really was a nut?
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
money doesn't buy happiness.
Poverty is the root of all evil.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
There are two kinds of people in this world:
Those that want to BE something,
and those that want to DO something.
(There is less competition in the second category.)
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
Vice Versa - poems about brothels?
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your neck leaks.
Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way
to insure hairy fingers.
Preventing baldness is simple. Just knot your hair from the inside.
Even though one keeps his nose to the grindstone, it does not mean
that he is good for anything besides cutting bread with his nose.
There's no fuel like an old fuel.
Old bakers never die, they just quit making dough.
Old doughnut makers never die,
they just get tired of the whole business.
Did you say your uncle kicked the bucket?
No, he just turned a little pail.
Chemists have solutions.
Note to mothers: when diapering your babies, don't do anything rash.
Geometer turned general - a sphereless leader.
Old bakers never die, you just can't get a rise out of them.
Hasty schizophrenics do things in a lickity split way.
Sado-necro-bestiality is beating a dead horse.
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
A linguist thought it a farce
That memory space was so sparse.
One day they increased it.
Said he as he seized it:
"At last! Enough core for the parse".
Computer actors will never be great;
they only get bit parts!
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
We are not punished for our sins,
but by them.
Middle Age:
Halfway between adolescence and obsolescence!
Nixon saw deep throat ten times,
but he still hasn't gotten it down Pat!
A zygote is a gamete's method of producing more gametes.
This may be the purpose of the universe.
If God had intended man to have computers,
he would have given him 16 fingers.
All work and no play,
will make you a manager.
If we can't fix it - its broken!
Is it Friday yet?
Engineers never die -
They just lose their tolerance.
She offered her honor,
He honored her offer.
And all through the night,
It was honor and offer.
To do is to be. -- Nietzsche
To be is to do. -- Kant
Do be do be do. -- Sinatra
Roses are red;
Violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
And so am I.
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
Did Mt. St. Helens make Seattle Wash. ?
186,000 mps: It's not just a good idea -- It's the law.
Abortion is a miscarriage of justice.
I'm an influential person - gravitationally speaking.
If you knew what Mona Lisa knew, you'd smile too.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Israel's actions are often Suez-cidal.
Nice computers don't go down.
The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.
To be born rich is an accident; to die rich is a miracle.
Chicken feed is what most of our nest eggs have turned into.
Nothing makes a politician forget campaign promises faster
than being elected.
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
Prosperity is when your conversation changes
from car pools to swimming pools.
In a fight between you and the world, back the world.
The perfect secretary is one who types fast and runs slow.
A fool and your money are soon partners.
Win or lose, you lose.
Lt. Uhura says:"Subspace Communications-
It's the next best thing to beaming there!"
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semi-colons;
Every program is part of some other program and rarely fits.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than to understand a correct
one.
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which
it was written and another for which it wasn't.
Once you understand how to write a program get someone else to write it.
Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
There are two ways to write error-free programs;
only the third one works.
In software systems it is often the early bird that makes the worm.
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything,
but the cost of nothing.
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
If your computer speaks English it was probably made in Japan.
A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make
one believe in God.
Prolonged contact with computers turns mathematicians into
clerks and vice versa.
In computing, turning the obvious into the useful is a living
definition of the word 'frustration'.
We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's
next-to-last theorem!
The computer is the ultimate polluter: its feces are indistinguishable
from the food it produces.
The proof of a system's value is its existence.
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
Editing is a rewording activity.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What's the Latin for office automation?
Computer Science is embarrassed by the computer.
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
Epigrams are macros, since they are executed at read time.
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
Economics is called the dismal science, but that's just
because most economists are dismal scientists.
Crime wouldn't pay, if the government ran it.
Streakers repent! Your end is in sight.
How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
When his lips move.
We will release no software before its time.
Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground... and missing!
Honesty is next to poverty.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Your karma just ran over my dogma.
Disks travel in packs.
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
Equal bytes for women.
Get off your ASCII.
Hard where? Soft where?
The agony of delete.
My computer puts out.
Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
I come unbundled.
Your Zip file is open.
My components are indiscreet.
Air pollution is a mist demeanor.
Whatever happened to the good old days
when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
Remember, even if you win the rat race -
you're still a rat.
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
Anarchy is against the law.
Nudists are people who wear one-button shirts.
Archimedes had no principles!
Pray for the success of atheism.
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
Spare the rod and spoil the drag race.
Condense soup, not books.
Philadelphia isn't dull - it just seems so because
it is next to exciting Camden, NJ.
Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
The reason the government thinks you're just a number
is because it's just a machine.
Chastity is its own punishment.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
For those of you who think life is a joke,
just think of the punchline.
Give me librium or give me meth.
The only dope worth shooting is Nixon.
Save our virgin forests -
buy a tree a chastity belt.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
Hawaii is as American as apple poi.
Keep grandmothers off the streets - legalize bingo.
These days govt. is a four letter word.
Any government that's strong enough to give the people
everything they want is a government that's strong
enough to take it away.
Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.
Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
Boy Hippie: a guy who looks like a Jill and smells like a john.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
THINK!
or THWIM!
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
The cost of liberty is less than the price of oppression.
Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
The more you cultivate people the more you turn up clods.
Zeus gave Leda the bird.
Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose
but your chains.
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
All the world's a stage and the people on
it are poorly rehearsed.
A bird in the hand can be messy.
Above all else - sky.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Serfs up - Spartacus.
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
The only difference between an unclear war
and a nuclear war is the way you use the UN.
An American's a person who isn't afraid to
criticize the President - but is always
polite to traffic cops.
SDRAWKCAB spelled backwards is backwards.
Stamp out philately.
Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
The person who is all wrapped up in himself is overdressed.
The only race worth winning is the human race.
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
At our last party we were all making Mary,
then we jumped for Joy!
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at
the tracks.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
and the hours are lost.
All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have
loved a tall.
Go Hawaiian: Give your gal a lei.
Coed dorms promote campus unrest.
Abolish first marriages!
He who is henpecked may lend an ear to other chicks.
Support National Motherhood Week - Make one today!
May all your hang-ups be drip-dry.
Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
Mother Earth is not flat!
Hire the morally handicapped.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
=============================================================
That's All Folks!
=============================================================
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