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The rules of the house (male)
Rules Of This House
1. The husband shall always be referred to by the wife in proper tones
of humility and gratitude as "Absolute Ruler." He shall never be
proffered edibles which offend his palate. Wife is to be struck once
for each minute a meal is late.
2. Wife must so schedule all scrubbing, baby-whacking, wood-chopping,
grass-cutting, storm window removal so that evenings and weekends are
left free for entertaining and amusing the Absolute Ruler.
3. Children are under the authority of all-wise Absolute Ruler, but the
wife will subdue the little monsters in the event the Absolute Ruler is
sleeping, eating, reading, drinking, watching TV or oiling firearms.
4. No explanation will be made by the Absolute Ruler for any lateness or
absence (up to thirty days) from his house. Wife to be prepared to
serve dinner, on telephone notice to friends or clients of Absolute
Ruler. Said friends never to be designated by wife as "them bums".
5. The Frau must not be frowzy. Hair curlers and wrapper strictly
prohibited at breakfast. Wifely tantrums to be behind locked door, and
alone. If tears-on-the-shoulder vital to dissipate tension, shoulder
must be that of obliging neighbor, female.
6. Wife shall never comment concerning alleged superiority of so-called
"model husbands," be they from the neighborhood, or on the moon. She
shall convincingly praise accomplishments and judgement of Absolute
Ruler, with no indication of pain caused by Absolute Ruler's twisting
her arm.
7. Total attention and unbroken silence will prevail while the Absolute
Ruler: (a) tells a joke, (b) discusses politics, © generously consents
to point out some of the wife's shortcomings. The wife will never
telephone the Absolute Ruler when he is teaching the science of poker,
and will call him at the office only if his personal possessions are
threatened by fire or flood.
8. The wife shall applaud hobby interests of the Absolute Ruler and
never suggest accompanying him on hunting or fishing trips. She shall
recognize his sovereign right to indulge in girl-watching, and rejoice
in that certain gleam in his eye, knowing that should it fail to flame
in response to a strange female, her own charms will stir not a tremor,
but a chill.
9. In the interest of fairness, Absolute Ruler generously allows the
wife to submit three grievances each month to him, each grievance to be
written on a separate slip of paper, folded lengthwise and twisted
firmly. Twisted strips to be left in close proximity to the fireplace.
10. The wife joins with the Absolute Ruler in condemning "Togetherness"
as subversive and each rejoices that male is different from female.
Each affirms that this apartness creates a delicious biological
attraction, which does and will forever, amen, make marriage as
challenging and as threatening as a ten gallon Martini.
______________________________________________
Signature of Absolute Ruler, by order of TRUE.
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