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Computer definitions
Never again fear that you will display your ignorance of essential com-
puter terms. This dictionary will let you obfuscate with supercillious
disdain, and no one will be the wiser.
8-BIT MACHINE - A computer selling for four quarters.
16-BIT MACHINE - A computer selling for two bucks.
6502 - The year you will finally pay off your computer.
6800 - The year you will finally pay off your peripherals.
8080 - A much larger caliber than .3030.
68000 - The year your spouse will forgive you for buying a
computer.
ACOUSTIC COUPLER - Lips.
AD/DA - Computer equivalent of the missionary position.
ADA - A computer language designed for government use. It is
presently undefined (like most government languages.)
ADDRESS - Type of attire worn by some female programmers (and
even some males.)
ADVENTURE - Complex game involving puzzles, mazes, uncertain
goals and huge waste of time. Also known as debugging.
ALGOL - Husband of Polygol. Their missing daughter is Polygon.
ALGORITHM - 1. Musical beat used in computer music. 2. Form of
birth control used by Algol.
ALPHANUMERIC - Inventor of the characters used by computers.
ALTAIR - 1. A place where computers are married. 2. A place
where computers are sacrificed.
ANSI - Troubled by insects.
APL - An Apple computer after it has been dropped from the roof.
APPLE - Computer for hard-core programmers (See PET)
APPLICATION - Generic name for a type of program. No one is
certain what an application program is, but it always has a hefty
price tag.
ARRAY - A blast from a CRT.
ASCII - Usually used in pairs, it is ideal for travelling down
snowy mountain sides.
ASSEMBLER - Person who puts your computer together after it has
been aligned by a computer club. (See Computer Club)
ATARI - Famous John Wayne movie involving elephants.
ATARI 800 - is the large theatre version in 70mm stereo; ATARI
400 is the 8mm silent version.
BACKUP Opposite of forward.
BANK SELECT Used by thieves to remember whom they intend to rob.
BAR CODE READER - Electronic device used to find taverns.
BASIC - 1. What an environmentalist would say about the health of
San Francisco Bay. 2. Computer language used for generating errors.
Most billing programs are, apparently, written in BASIC.
BATCH PROCESSING - Making lots of cookies at once.
BAUD RATE - The number of attractive and skimpily clad women/men
passing by your on the beach.
BAUDOT - Short for "baud audit." Audit of baud rates (See Baud Rate)
BCD - Three of the first four letters of the alphabet.
BINARY - A rating of computers developed by astronomers. A "binary"
computer would rate just two stars - strictly mediocre.
BIPOLAR - Admiral Richard Byrd (1888-1957)
BIT - 1. One eighth of a byte. One half of a byte is a nibble. One
byte, in turn, is half of a gobble. 2. Twelve and a half cents.
BOMB - A picture printout of a really nice looking human being,
usually blonde.
BOOLEAN LOGIC - Your spouse's term for your reasoning.
BOOT - 1. English term for engine compartment cover. 2. Steel
tipped foot covering used for kicking computers. 3. Good way to
end a four-hour sort.
BOOTSTRAP - 1. Famous programmer, Melvin Bootstrap, author of all
bootstrap programs. 2. Item of apparel worn by computer when
running sexy programs.
BRANCH - Stick used for beating CPU's. If the stick is watered, some
day it might turn into a computer club.
BREADBOARD - The only kind of board you can afford after buying
a computer.
BUBBLE MEMORY - Your spouse's nickname for you.
BUBBLE SORT - Your spouse's term for your friends.
BUFFER - Programmer who works in the nude.
BUG - Intercom system used in Watergate complex.
BURN IN - Opposite of burn out.
BUS - a misspelled kiss.
BYTE - See BIT.
C - Programming language used by sailors. "Tiny C:" c.
CARD READER - Card cheat.
CHARACTER - Hamlet.
CHECKSUM - Slang for a random number generator.
CHIP - 1. One California Highway Patrolman. 2. Used in computers, they
come in four flavors, silicon, potato, chocolate and buffalo.
CLOAD - Command to lock up the keyboard.
COBOL - Far better than monobol.
CODING - Addictive drug.
COMMAND - A suggestion made to a computer.
COMPILER - Noah Webster (1758-1843)
COMPONENT - Part of a computer, usually forgotten when the machine was
sold to you, that costs extra.
COMPUTER - A device designed to speed and automate errors (see MINICOMPUTER
and MOCROCOMPUTER.)
COMPUTER CLUB - 1. Baseball bat used for aligning data in a computer.
2. The group of people that spilled beer all over the keyboard.
COMPUTER MAGAZINE - Where your computer stores ammunition.
CONCATENATION - A convention of all the nation's kittcats.
CONFIGURE - Computer slang: a "configure" is the price the salesman quotes
over the phone to con you into stopping by his place of business.
CONFIGURATION - Opposite of profiguration.
CONTROL CHARACTER - Computer magazine editor.
CONSOLE - What you must do to a computer owner while the computer is
being repaired.
CONSTANT - A variable. (See VARIABLE)
CONSULTANT - Getting a second opinion on why your computer doesn't work.
CP/M - Program listing for "look in evening section" (See Program Listing)
CPS - Used in referring to word processing equipment, it means "Corrections
per Second."
CPU - C3PO's mother.
CRASH - Normal termination.
CROSS REFERENCE - One that is angry.
CRUNCH - Noise made when putting a diskette in a disk drive.
CRT - Cathode Ray Tube, a superlethal Defense Department weapon being
developed by NBC, ABC and CBS.
CSAVE - Command to write blank tapes.
CURSOR - A light on the video monitor, so called because the computer
generates the light with an obscene command.
CYCLE TIME - When gas gets to $5.00 per gallon.
DAISY WHEEL - Mechanical simulation of a flower, used by programmers
when reciting to their computers, "I love it, I love it not..."
DATA - An Italian word, meaning a single piece of information, as in
"look at disa and data."
DATA ANALYSIS - Computer treatment of Freudian slips.
DATA BASE - Not as good as data noble.
DATA SEPARATOR - A miniature binary food processor used for sorting
digital bits.
DATUM - What you should do if you discover a rich, unmarried computer
company owner of the opposite sex.
DEBOUNCE - Superglue poured over keyboard.
DEBUG - Raid sprayed on the keyboard.
DECIMAL - One tenth of a motorcycle gang member's girlfriend.
DEDICATED - A programmer trying to decode a string-packed program.
DENSITY - A programmer that you can't understand is single density; a
programmer that makes no sense is double density.
DIGITAL - Something done with the fingers, as in checking computer
mathematics.
DIGITAL COMPUTER - A computer which used fingers and toes for counting.
DIGITALIZER - Computer equivalent of Alka-Seltzer.
DIP - Inventor of a famous switch.
DISASSEMBLER - Another term for a computer club.
DISK DRIVE - 1. A trip through the woods in search of flying saucers.
2. A motor for a Frisbee.
DISKETTE - A Frisbee used to carry information similar to a passenger
pigeon.
DISK PACK - Six cans of fluid, used by disk drive technicians to improve
their thinking.
DISPLAY - 1. A question you ask the salesman when you find the tape player
on the markdown table. 2. What a computer flasher does.
DMA - Abbreviation of "Direct Memory Access"; brain surgery.
DOCUMENTATION - Instructions which come with hardware or software and
explain how much more money you will have to spend in order to get your
hardware or software to work.
DOS - Short for "Disk Operating System", a course in Frisbee offered
by Cal State Sonoma.
DOT MATRIX - Phrase used in claiming credit for clever programming; e.g.
"Dot ma trix"
DOWNTIME - Slang for periods when a programmer is being realistic. (See
JUMP,UPTIME)
DUPLEX - Having two apartments.
DUMP - Spouse's term for area around the computer.
DYNAMIC MEMORY - Memory that has been stampeded. (see MEMORY)
EBCDIC - Security code for IBM computers. Means "Erase Backup, Chew Disk,
Ignite Cards." For a variety of obvious reasons, only IBM computers use
EBCDIC code.
EDITOR - A program which deletes obscene commands.
ELECTRIC CRAYON - Toddler version of Electric Pencil.
ELECTRIC PENCIL - Great technological advance, batteries not included.
EMULATE - A large but tardy Australian bird.
EPROM - Acronym for "Exit Program, Read Owner's Manual."
ERROR - A programmer's decision to skip making a flowchart and exclude
comments.
ERROR TRAP - A black hole placed in a computer to capture bugs.
EXECUTION - What your computer did to your program, also known as murder.
EXPANSION - Computer slang for "vital parts missing." A computer with
"expansion capability" is capable of working only when the extra parts are
purchased.
EXPRESSION - Quaint phrase uttered by a computer programmer when the
computer does something unexpected. (see SPECIAL CHARACTER)
FEATURE - A hardware limitation as described by the advertising department.
FIFO - Good name for a French poodle.
FILE - Found in cakes, it is used to end lockups.
FIRMWARE - Hardware that is beginning to melt.
FLAG - White sheet raised by computer to indicate surrender.
FLIP FLOP CIRCUIT - Device used by politicians to determine policy.
FLOPPY DISK - The back pain you claim is from an old war injury.
FLOWCHART - Current map of Gulf of Mexico.
FLUSH - Using a hose to wash old information out of a computer.
FLYING HEAD - Airliner toilet.
FORMAT - FORTRAN - Command used exclusively by Matthew. There used to be
several such commands such as FORBEAR, FORCEPS, FORFEIT, FORLORN, FORMICA,
FORNICATE, FORUM, FORSYTHIA and FORTRESS, but none of these people used
the command as much as Matt and only his command remains.
FORTH - One of the top five computer languages.
FORTRAN - A high level computer language used by those who have mastered
BASIC syntax errors and are looking for a challenge.
FUDGE - Delicious chocolate candy, commonly found in programs written for
chips made in Hershey, PA.
GARBAGE - Debris left by memory. (see MEMORY)
GENERAL PURPOSE COMPUTER - A computer not terribly good at anything in
particular.
GIGO - "Garbage In, Garbage Out." Normal result of most computer program-
ming.
GLITCH - A bug with ambitions.
GRAPHICS TABLET - Pill taken by overworked computer artists.
HACKER - A frustrated programmer armed with hatchet.
HANDSHAKING - Sympton of too much programming. Most commonly seen among
programmers who have just had their programs erased by power fluctuations.
HANGUP - Why your computer won't run "Interlude."
HARDCOPY - Cheating during a well monitored test.
HARDWARE - A computer related to rumor as in "I hardware they are going
to do this and that."
HASHING - Programming technique whereby nice, neat information is made
indecipherable.
HEXADECIMAL - Unlucky numbers used by computers.
HIGH RESOLUTION - A law passed in Denver.
HOME COMPUTER - Real estate agent's loan calculator.
I/O - Abbreviation of the phrase used by programmers while they watch
their programs crash, known in full as "Aaaaiiiiieeee! Ooooooooooh...."
IBM - 1. Incredibly Big Machine. 2. Invasion of Bug-eyed Monsters.
3. In London, a frequent answer to the question, "Where is the tourguide?
I be 'im."
IC - 1. How you feel in an air conditioned data processing center. 2.
Understanding, as in "Oh, now IC."
INFINITE LOOP - (See LOOP INFINITE)
INFORMATION - Ordered material in a computer, as when you see all the
transistors and note that they are line up information.
INITIALIZE - 1. Carving your initials on a floppy disk. 2. Used to describe
the process in which, when a computer is first turned on, it monograms
everything in sight.
INPUT - Where your program is (see OUTPUT; PUT)
INSTRUCTION - A suggestion made to a computer.
INTERACTIVE - Used to describe programs you can get involved in, such as
"Interlude."
INTERFACE - A computer's true self, revealed to no one else.
INTERPRETER - A program that converts high-level language such as BASIC
into low-level language, such as Modern English.
ITERATE - A healthy illiterate.
JOYSTICK - Peripheral intended for use only by consenting adults.
KEYBOARD - 1. Piece of wood used for unsticking keys. 2. The most impor-
tant part of a computer. Resembling a typewriter, a keyboard is used for
entering errors into a computer.
KEYPAD - Place where you take your date when you want results!
KEYPUNCH - 1. The one that won the fight. 2. The one that gave you a
hangover.
KEYWORDS - All the words left out of your computer.
KILO - What you could have spent your money on if you hadn't bought a
computer.
LANGUAGE - A system of organizing and defining syntax errors.
LIFO - Usual result of attempting to set up a FIFO quque.
LIGHT PEN - One weighing less than ten pounds.
LINE PRINTER - Computer used for writing excuses.
LOOK UP TABLE - Crib sheet for computers.
LOOP (see LOOP)
LOOP, INFINITE (see INFINITE LOOP)
LOST DATA - 1. Data left in the nooks and crannies of the computer overnight.
2. (See DATA LOST)
LOW RESOLUTION - A law passed in Amsterdam.
LSI - Acronym for "Large Scale Integration", used to describe the process
of getting heavy people to weight themselves in kilograms.
MACHINE LANGUAGE - A language spoken only by machines. You can hear it
sometimes while talking long distance on the telephone. We don't know what
they are saying yet, but they are up to something.
MACRO - Scottish fish eggs.
MAINFRAME - What the salesman said you were getting when you bought your
micro (See SIMULATOR)
MANUAL - 1. A handy book, to be used as a guide to your computer, software
and peripherals. It usually a photocopy of some hand written notes, and tells
you how to use the manual and not on how on how to use the computer, soft-
ware or peripheral. 2. The name of the system you are forced to use when
your computer is on strike.
MATH CHIP - Piece of broken abacus.
MEGABYTE - Nine course dinner.
MEMORY - Miniaturized elephants used for information storage in a computer.
(See DYNAMIC MEMORY, GARBAGE, OEM,STATIC MEMORY)
MEMORY MAP - 1. Elephant paths. 2. Sheet of paper showing location of com-
puter store.
MENU DRIVEN - A gourmet.
MHZ - Acronym for "megahertz", meaning a million pains.
MICROCOMPUTER - One millionth of a computer. (See COMPUTER, MINICOMPUTER)
MICROFICHE - Sardines
MICROPROCESSOR - A very short version of a processor. (See PROCESSOR)
MINICOMPUTER - Wife of Ottocomputer.
MINIDISKETTE - A diskette left out in the rain.
MITS - Warm coverings for the hands and fingers.
MODEM - What the phone company detective looks for when he tries to find out
why your computer ate the telephone, as in "We need to find the modem."
MONITOR - A Yankee TV screen used to display computer data. The Confederate
equivalent is called a Merrimac.
muLISP - A computer language popular in San Francisco.
MULTI USER - Someone who uses multis.
muMATH -A computer language for kittens.
MUX - Short for multiplexer, a device which plexes multis. A device which
plexes cats is a perplexer.
NANOSECOND - Mork's stuntman.
NETWORK - What Tarzan says after capturing elephant in a trap.
NEWDOS - Acronym for "Not Exactly What Dealer Offers to Sell."
NIM - Anyone who consistantly loses at a famous computer game.
NORMALIZE - What a spouse claims to be trying to do by cutting the power
to the computer (usually done at 3 am)
NS - Abbreviation used to describe memory. It stands for "Nice and Slow."
NULL STRING - The result of a four hour sort.
NUMBER CRUNCHING - Placing a computer on the floor and jumping on it.
OBJECT CODE - Reason given by computer as to why it won't run a program.
OEM - Acronym for "Offal Efficient Memory" As the name implies, it refers to
exceedingly tidy elephants that leave little garbage. (See MEMORY, GARBAGE)
OFF LINE -A computer joke in bad taste.
ON LINE - A computer joke in good taste.
ON/OFF - Computer memory is composed of thousands of bits of memory which
are either on or off. The reason why computers need so much memory is due
to the fact that, at any given time, roughly half of all memory is off,
sleeping on the job.
OPERATOR - The guy/gal that gets all the good dates.
OUTPUT -Where your program is when you search for it. (See INPUT, PUT0
p CODE -Toilet training shorthand.
PAPER TAPE - Not very good for fixing leaking computers.
PARALLEL - LL.
PASCAL - Computer language used for college football players, known in full
as "Pass Calvin or else."
PASSWORD - The nonsense word taped to the CRT.
PATCH - Used for fixing programs, also called Scotch Tape.
PERIPHERAL - 1. Something attached to your computer with wires, cables, or
chewing gum, such as the case, the monitor, whips and chains, dynamite, and
other programming aids. 2. Your spouse after you have purchased your com-
puter.
PERSONAL COMPUTER - Electronic device that makes unkind remarks about your
physical and mental attributes.
PET - Computer for soft-core programmers. (see APPLE)
PILOT - Computer language used for flight simulations. A small version of
this language is called "PILOT light"
PINFEED - The diet your spouse threatens you with every time you mention a
new program or peripheral you want.
PL/1 - Short for "Programming Language 1", a very vulgar computer language
(This conclusion based upon listening to programmers discuss their PL/1
programs.)
PLOTTER - Someone who tries to take over the organization/city/state/coun-
try/world or universe with a home computer.
POINTER - An informer.
POP - 1. Cocoa-Cola 2. Machine language instruction for "Punch Operator's
Proboscis."
PORT - 1. Type of sweet dark red wine. 2. One of the ways a program might
list.
PORTABILITY - 1. Capable of making wine. 2. Capable of drinking wine (Def-
initions apply to both programmers and computers.)
PRIME NUMBER - Tender, juicy numbers used in only the most expensive com-
puters.
PRINT - Name of the computer used by the FBI for analyzing handwriting.
PRINTER - Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)
PRINTED CIRCUIT - Centerfold from the magazine "Playbit"
PROCESSOR - A thing that digests data or food, sometimes called a boy-
friend, girlfriend, spouse, child or relative.
PROGRAM - A broadcast that occasionally interrupts commercials (see PRO-
GRAM LISTING)
PROGRAM INTERRUPT - Power blackout.
PROGRAM LISTING - 1. TV Guide (see PROGRAM) 2. Used to describe programs
that fill with water and lean to one side.
PROGRAMMER - A person who thinks he knows how to talk to a computer. A
person who really does know how to talk to a computer is known as a fruit-
cake.
PROM - Used by desperate computers. It is an ancronym for "Please Read
Operator's Mind".
PROMPT - Bills.
PROTECTED DATA - (Defintion withheld)
PROTOCOL - System of stylized rules by which computers and people talk to
people and computers, also called profanity.
PSEUDOCODE - 1. Program that isn't for real. 2. Program written under a
pseudonym.
PUNCHED CARD - Fended, molded, bindled, and sputilated card used to com-
pute your tax return.
PUT - 1. Name of the place where the computer has your program. (See INPUT,
OUTPUT) 2.An event in the computer olympics/ Contestants strive to throw a
computer as far as possible with one hand.
QUQUE - Where the director sends you after you forget your quque during a
performance.
RAM - 1. Acronym for "Randomize All Memory" 2. Nickname for a veteran pro-
grammer, also know as "old goat."
READ/WRITE PROTECT - © 1981
READY - Computer message which says that it is bored.
REAL NUMBERS - What you wish your computer would use instead of all this
phony binary/hex stuff.
REAL TIME - Opposite of phony time.
REDUNDANCY - Kkeybbounce.
REGISTER - Never found in a Radio Shack store.
RESERVED WORDS - All the good ones you wanted to use.
RESET - Another method of ending four hour sorts.
REVERSE/INVERSE - .elpoep egnarts yllaer ot ylno lufesu era syalpsid esehT
.syalpsid oediv esrevni or esrever evah sretupmoc emoS
RIBBON - What your spouse gives you every time your friends ask about
your computer.
RND - Short for "random number generator" a computer command used for cal-
culating checkbook balances, income tax, rent, phone bills...
ROM - 1. Built on seven hills, all roads to lead to it. 2. Drink made from
fermented molasses.
RS232 -R2D2's father (see CPU)
S 100 BUS - An experimental rocket powered bus designed by NASA.
SAVE - What you should do before you buy a computer.
SCREEN - A wire mesh which protects the computer from the programmer.
SCRIPSIT - What your article does after you send it it to the editor.
SCROLL - What the instructions do when you are trying to read them.
SERIAL - Wheaties.
SIMULATOR - What you actually purchased when you bought your computer,
(see MAINFRAME)
SINGLE BOARD COMPUTER - Unmarried computer with nothing to do.
SNOBOL - Computer language used in cold climates.
SOFTWARE - 1. Data cassette, diskette, disk left out in the sun or in the
pizza oven too long. 2. What a female computer programmer wears on a date.
SORCERER - Computer that uses hexadecimal numbers exclusively.
SOURCE CODE - Guide to famous novel by J. Michener.
SPECIAL CHARACTER - 1. A compiler of computer dictionaries. 2. One of the
characters used in computer expressions like: @,&,$,#, and ! as in the
famous expression, "@#$%&%" (see EXPRESSION)
SPOOLER - Device used to pack up data processing equipment using ribbon
cable.
STAND ALONE - What happens to a programmer who starts talking about com-
puters at a party.
STAR TREK - Where most data processing time goes.
STATE OF THE ART - Undefined.
STATIC MEMORY - Sleeping elephants (see MEMORY)
STORAGE - How long a business has been in operation.
STRING - Technique used for attracting computer users, the most famous
string being, "Come and see my latest program."
STRING PACKING - 1. Technique used for shipping strings through the mail.
2. Technique for shipping Androids through the mail.
STRINGY FLOPPY - A disketted that needs to put on weight.
STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING - Propped up with two by fours.
STYLUS - Pig farmer after moving to the city and becoming a computer repair
technician.
SUBROUTINE - Closeing hatches before diving.
SUBSCRIPT - Underwater handwriting.
SUPERSCRIPT - Fantastic handwriting.
SYNTAX - Tax on sex.
SYNTHESIZER - A device for measuring syntes.
SYSTEM - Foolproof method for winning at blackjack on a computer.
TAPE DRIVE - Campaign to raise money for the release of Nixon's White
House tapes.
TELETYPE - A talkative person opposite of the silent type.
TERMINAL - Mental state of most programmers.
TEXT - The book you used in your programming class and wish you had read
before buying a computer.
THREADED LANGUAGE - One stitched together out of odds and ends.
THERMAL PRINTER - Printer used by pilots of hangliders and sailplanes.
TIMESHARE - What Tarzan tells you when he wants to use your microcomputer.
TOGGLE - Goggle for a toddler.
TOKEN - Slang for smoking pot.
TRS-80 - World's most advanced computer, it writes computer dictionaries
in its spare time.
TRSDOS (TRISS DOS) But Susan doesn't
TTL - Computer command (used by computers when playing chess or similar
games) "Turn Tables and Laugh"
TTY - Computer command (used by computers when loading programs from
cassette) "Twist Tape and Yawn."
TURNKEY - A bad computer, as in "That's a turnkey computer if I ever saw
one."
TWO'S COMPLIMENT - We think that is nice.
TWO'S COMPLIMENT ARITHMETIC - We think you look younger every year.
UNIX - Plural of eunuch.
UPTIME - Slang for period when programmer is being naive. (See JUMP, DOWN-
TIME)
USER - Someone requiring drug rehabilitation.
UTILITY - TPC (The Phone Company, The Power Company) TWC (The Water Com-
pany) TCG (The Garbage Company)
VARIABLE - A constant (see CONSTANT)
VIRTUAL MEMORY - Cheap RAM which the manufacturer claims is "virtually
memory - will do everything but remember."
VOLATILE STORAGE - A disk drive filled with nitroglycerin.
WAND - An expensive light pen.
WINDOW - Aluminum foil dropped into your computer by the enemy to mess up
the video.
WRITE - Opposite of wrong.
Z-CODE - The method used to determine the age of Z-280 sports cars.
ZORK - The large bird that delivered your computer.
-END-
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