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April 1, 1993, Washington DC: The administration

-=- Official Press Release -=-

April 1, 1993, Washington DC: The administration today inaugurates a new
cabinet level department. The Federal Computer Communications Commission.
Inspired by the widespread outrage over the travesty of justice in the
Steve Jackson Games case, where a known computer criminal got off on a
technicality (i.e. we hadn't yet gotten around to formalizing and writing
down the laws he flagrantly broke with impunity), the FCCC will have
licensing authority over all interstate and international computer
communications.

BBSs and Public Access Usenet systems should be able to continue to
operate. Licenses won't cost more than a few thousand dollars per year,
plus a few dollars per kilobyte transmitted. To ensure diversity, every
major city will be allocated two licenses, to upstanding moral and
patriotic citizens, with preference toward registered members of approved
minority groups.

Equal-time and fairness laws are currently being drafted. For instance,
all political forums will be required to give equal time to proponents of
incarcerating drug users, and to those who favor mandatory treatment.
Similarly, discussions on gun control must be divided evenly between those
who advocate immediate confiscation, and those who believe the violence in
inner cities justifies more decisive measures.

In return for this license from the public, licensees will be required to
devote at least half their bandwidth to educational public service
announcements for the benefit of all citizens. For instance anti-drug
ads, pro-social-security ads, pro-rural-electric-cooperatives ads, etc.

Contrary to scurrilous rumors spread by some unpatriotic persons, license
suspension, confiscation of equipment, fines, and imprisonment are
expressly forbidden in the FCCC act of 1993. (Except, of course, in the
case of suspected obscenity, pornography, slander of public servants,
antisemitism, racism, anti-environmentalism, hacking, possession of
unauthorized information, hate crimes, or betrayal of the public trust.)

The act applies not merely to electronic communications between computers,
but also to hand-carried floppies, tapes, hardcopies, etc. And to any and
all information which could conceivably ever be put onto floppies, tapes,
hardcopies, or other computer media.

We are pleased to announce that the only requirement for users is to keep
a logbook for perusal of authorities. The only thing users will ever be
required to log is the time, date, purpose, and contents of all
communications, and the identity and social security number of all
person(s) communicated with.

This program will not increase income taxes, and will not increase the
public debt. It will be financed entirely through a small tax on all
modems, floppies, hard disks, tapes, phone lines, memory chips, tapes,
terminal servers, port selectors, terminal concentrators, monitors,
keyboards, contollers, electric power, printers, paper, ink, plotters,
scanners, software (including public domain software), manuals, CPU cards,
motherboards, cases, connectors, cables, registers, chips, batteries,
resistors, transistors, LEDs, coils, capacitors, solder, screws, wire,
copper, aluminum, plastic, steel, glass, and bubble-wrap.

We are proud to announce the FCCC will be headed by former Los Angeles
police chief Daryl Gates. It is anticipated that he will swiftly bring
law and order to the chaotic field of computer communications.

-- Keith Lynch, [email protected]
 
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