Excerpts from Martha Stewart's "Prison Life" Magazine

by Alan Arnold

When you don't have the proper tools or cleansers to adequately tend that filthy commode, try floating a slice or two of lemon on the water. You'll find it really dresses up the smell and the taste when your cellmate grabs you by the hair and plunges you face first into the icy murk while savagely buggering you with a table leg. A stick of cinnamon can also add the coup de grace for that holiday cheer.

If you don't have sand paper, a common emery board can take the rough edges off of any wooden surface like, say for example, a table leg that might later end up being savagely inserted into various bodily orifices. In lieu of Vaseline or KY jelly, try a little soft soap mixed with water to ease the tearing. It will work wonders.

As Christmas approaches, we all feel called by the spirit of holiday decorating. If those nasty guards take away your plastic greenery, try using dried cockroach corpora to fashion wreathes, angels, santas and decorative candle rings. Mucus and blood make fine natural adhesives for any roach project. To give the roach bodies a fine glossy shine, try painting them with a sugar water solution and letting them dry before assembling your wreathes, etc. Besides, they'll taste a lot better when your cell mate, Sunshine, holds you down and forces you to eat your project because it "creeps her out" and then buggers you with the table leg. Again. Did you remember that emery board trick? Hey, it's your ass.

What seasonal decor would be complete without a fine Menorah. If you can't get candles, try using lit cigarettes. Their cheery glow will fill your heart with seasonal warmth...that is, until Sunshine comes back from the workout room to find that you've plundered her cigarette hoard for some lame Christmas decoration. Let's hope she doesn't figure out where you hid that table leg.

And of course, there's nothing so difficult or exasperating as trying to clean up a cigarette burn from a carpet or the upholstery of a chair or couch after a pleasant holiday soiree. At least, that's what I always thought before Sunshine decided to burn a Star of David across my ass with one of the lit cigarettes I borrowed for my Menorah. What a fucking bitch. Undaunted, I tried giving those burns the once over with a little nail polish remover mixed with alcohol, but Sunshine finally had to shove my face back into the toilet to muffle the screaming. Once in a while, it would nice if she would flush.

Now here's a little tip that might come in useful. If you grind glass finely enough, it can't be felt or tasted in something like a candy bar or a brownie. I find that any kind of glass is good, though a plain white glass is the most aesthetically pleasing and its residue is easily mistaken for sugar. Sunshine could probably confirm this for you if she weren't in a coma right now. Something about internal bleeding. Poor thing. I'm making her a chocolate chiffon pie to die for...in case she comes around. Remember: a touch of cream of tartar makes the meringue come out right every time.

Next week, we'll make a shiv from a simple dowel rod and a strap on dildo from strips of mattress cloth and part of an old table leg. Make sure your emery board is handy for this one. Toodles. MS