Equality for Women in the Workplace / Maternity Leave

by KAMB

When a small, odd-looking, middle-aged man wearing cheese approached me on the street and asked me my opinion on equality for women in the workplace, I assaulted him repeatedly. In the face.

After discreetly shoving his corpse in a garbage container in a dank alleyway, and quite professionally buggering off, I was left to ponder his question…

So what is the deal with equality for women in the workplace? I mean, aren’t we equal anyway? Well, from my perspective, it seems as though we AREN’T! NO! NO WAY!

Couldn’t have said it better myself. I mean seriously, how much do women dominate in the workplace? OK, perhaps not in numbers, but that is a result of PAST oppression in the work place… and now, the roles have been reversed. Every time I walk into the workplace, I witness it. Every day. Women walking up to men and saying such terrible and taunting things such as, ‘Hello’, and, ‘Hi!’ and the such. This lascivious and scornful behaviour should be shunned! Shunned, I say!

Women in the position to dominate men are, well, EVERYWHERE! Wherever two or more are gathered together in thy name, there will be a dominating woman! Woman thinks: ‘Gee, I wonder if I can get myself promoted…’ Man thinks: ‘Wow. Is that a real woman? Never seen one of THOSE before!’

And thus the degrading cycle begins. Equality for women in the workplace? Hell no, Cheese-wearing-man, you got it all wrong! It is the men who we should be thinking of now! Whether men are being passed over for promotion simply because their gaze glances down every now and again… then up, then down… then… OK, up now. Thankyou. Men are being punished because of a simple and fun word to say. That word being: ‘LIBIDO’. Oh, yeah. Say it with me: ‘LIBIDO!’

Wasn’t that fun? Fun to say, fun to have, UNLESS you are being oppressed and suppressed and depressed and sometimes just pressed because of it. It sucks, doesn’t it, boys and girls… or… it doesn’t suck, as the case may be. And that is the power that women hold over men. That is why MEN should be the topic questions for essays such as these.

On to the topic of Maternity Leave for women. That’s great, really great. I’m all in favor of Maternity Leave. Because if the woman is pregnant, it means that they weren’t lording their sexual power over men, flaunting themselves, flirting endlessly, NO! They have obviously gone out and done the dirty, and good on them, I say.

Maternity Leave! All the way! Hurrah!

But… one thing that really tickles my noodle, and not in a sexual fashion, no, is that there are, again, no essay topics based around Paternity Leave for men. If a man has scored, he MUST pay the price. He has gotten lucky, formed the two backed beast, scored a root, whatever it may be that you wish to call it, he has received a joyous gift.

And now comes the compromise. He must, in return for this gift, take up a father role. And to do such a thing, he must be there for his offspring. He must be there to teach his child, if it be male, the skills required to even catch the attention of a female, and, if it be female, he must teach it NOT TO TAUNT, god damn it.

So paid leave for MEN! How do you like them apples, bitch? Paternity Leave! All the way! Hurrah!

So women have the power, and men should fight for equality, while, if they somehow manage to get lucky, they should take up a Paternal role and GO ON MY NEW PATERNITY LEAVE PLAN!

It’s here, it’s new, and it’s exciting.

Jimbo – Bane of Cheese-Wearing-Man