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The history of England as related in an alcoholic
> It's like the British. They have really good bier because they eat
> pigeon, crap sausage (bangers), and other ungodly foodstuffs and need a
> vitamin supplement. Beer is actually a health drink. It has completed
> mankind's diet since the time of Abraham. It has been established that it
> was a staple of ancient Egyptian life. But the British, having the worst
> teeth of all, and all of the most terrible recipes, have perfected beer to
> a high art form. Thus, while England has the worst food, it has the best
> beer (or close to it).
And it's also because they lived isolated from the rest of Europe on a
really dreary, cold island, but it wasn't cold ENOUGH, unlike the hardy
Norsemen, who lived in ice caves and would come down every once in awhile
to beat the crap out of the pasty English, just for sport. So the
British, adapting for craftiness due to their milquetoast lifestyle, put
all their energy into making the most outstanding beer, which would
temporarily toughen their skins and give them enough energy to repel
Viking attacks. It worked so well that a whole country, Ireland, evolved
around the Drunk Fighting Principle! And another, Scotland, decided beer
wasn't enough, because they wore dresses, even the men, so they set out to
perfect WHISKEY! Which they did! And they got so drunk and violent that
no one in their right mind would ever attack them, yet they were scary
people so everyone left them alone and they pretty much just became
brooding loners, while lower England, which had better weather and was
closer to France (where the good FOOD was) became more interested in
politics and decided to enslave the whole rest of the world to help them
search for better food and advanced sexual techniques, in which they were
lacking. Eventually Ireland became so drunk that England stole all their
food except for potatoes. Meanwhile, even England wanted no part of
Scottish cuisine, because it was real disgusting, only the Scottish were
so crazy drunk on 150 proof whiskey all the time that they thought it
tasted pretty good. Later on, the Germans came and dropped bombs on
England, because it was discovered that while German food was nearly as
bad as English food, the English had better beer (and Hitler knew the
secret to a savage army of warriors was BEER). Unfortunately for them,
the English got drunk and stayed inside their houses until the Americans
showed up. Why did the Americans show up? Simple: when they broke off
from England, they inadvertantly forgot to bring the beer recipes.
Patton, for instance, drank absinthe through a straw and a big
slurpee-sized cup all the way up to the relief of Bastogne. He was going
to the beer store when his car crashed and he died. Yep.
And that's the history of Britain, where I came from.
The Russians are a whole different story; vodka made them crazy.
- Tjames Madison
R | o | R
"like a rolling steel keg rolling on concrete"
A | L | U | C | A | R | D
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