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Funny retirement policy
To: All salaried employees
Subject: Revised Retirement Policy
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirment,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future
plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People
Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the Company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can
request a review of their employment records before actual retirement
takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees
may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as
the Company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled
to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance).
As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received
HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the Company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are
well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The
Company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We
have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area.
If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the
job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially
trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
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