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Collection of funny stories

~
From a news report out of a small western town: "It was
reported today that vandals made off with all the toilet seats
at the local police station. Police have nothing to go on."
~
A portly matron was approached by a seedy looking character.
"Ma'am," he said, "I haven't had a bite to eat for three days."
"Gee," she said wistfully, "I wish I had your willpower."
~
The hunter and his guide were terribly lost. "Hey," the
hunter shouted at the guide, "I thought you said you were the
best guide in Maine!"
"I am," replied the guide, "but I think we're in Vermont
now."
~
My father was a real boozer. He once saw a sign that said,
"Drink Canada Dry," so he went up there.
~
Gina's husband had just died, and Gina was beside herself
with grief. Her friends tried to console her. "Gina," her
closest friend said, putting her hand on the widow's shoulder,
"you're still a young woman. Before long, you'll meet a nice
man, in six months or so, you'll be married again."
But Gina only sobbed louder. "Six months?" she cried.
"What am I gonna do tonight?"
~
Two cannibals were talking. "Who was that lady I saw you
with last night?"
"That was no lady," replied the other, "that was my lunch."
~
A beautiful woman had just stepped out of the shower at a
posh hotel when she heard the phone ring. She quickly dried
herself off, and entered the bedroom stark naked. She immedi-
ately spotted a window washer eyeing her through the glass.
Unable to move, she stood there speechless and nude. Her
trance was broken by the window washer. "For heaven's sake
lady. Haven't you ever seen a window washer before?"
~
MAN IN WHITE COAT: I'm looking for an escaped lunatic.
Did he pass this way?
BYSTANDER: I don't know. What did he look like?
MAN IN WHITE COAT: He's short and thin, and weighs about
500 pounds.
BYSTANDER: Wait a minute. How can he be short and
thin and weigh 500 pounds?
MAN IN WHITE COAT: Well, I told you he was crazy.
~
Woman boarding a plane to stewardess: "Tell the pilot not
to fly faster than the speed of sound. My friend and I want to
talk."
~
"Have you ever been sent to prison," the judge asked the
accused.
"No, Your Honor," said the prisoner, sobbing.
"There, there, don't cry," the judge said. "You're going to
have your chance now."
~
The young secretary was describing her evening's exploits to
a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to
my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry
if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what
happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary
said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I
figured, let HIS mother worry."
~
The orchestra was rehearsing the Pastoral Symphony when the
conductor noticed the first-chair violinist had a tortured look
on his face. At first the conductor ignored it, thinking that
he would stop. Finally, he could stand for it no longer.
Abruptly, he brought the orchestra to a silence and turned to
the violinist. "What is the matter, sir? Are you feeling
ill?"
"No, maestro."
"Do you disapprove with the performance of your colleagues?"
"Oh, no sir. They are playing truly inspired this
afternoon."
"Well, then tell me," the conductor demanded, "why the
tortured look on your face?"
"I'm sorry sir. I hate music."
~
A father was discussing business ethics with his son who had
just graduated college. "Suppose a woman came in to the
store," the father began, "and bought $100 worth of goods. As
she is walking out the door, you discover she'd given you two
hundred dollar bills instead of one. So here's the ethics
question: Should you or shouldn't you tell your business
partner?"
~
The crew leader was addressing the galley slaves. "I've got
some good news, and I've got some bad news. The good news is,
you're going to get a five minute break right now. The bad
news is, the captain wants to go water skiing in ten minutes."
~
The traveling salesman had to stop for the night, so he
approached a farm house looking for a place to stay. "Okay,"
the farmer said, "but you'll have to sleep with my son."
"Good grief," said the salesman, "I'm in the wrong joke."
~
OLD DOCTOR: I operated on the mayor last week.
YOUNG DOCTOR: What for?
OLD DOCTOR: A thousand dollars.
YOUNG DOCTOR: What did he have?
OLD DOCTOR: A thousand dollars.
~
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess.
Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given
him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a
woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him.
That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new
regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started
working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an
expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different
man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time
she accepted.
There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better
than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's door-
bell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off
his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the
heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been
through, how could you do this to me?"
From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. Didn't recognize
you."
~
Lyndon Johnson, Hubert Humphrey and Mayor Richard Daley of
Chicago were on a yacht. A storm came up and blew the ship out
to sea. Fortunately, they landed on a deserted shore and the
decision had to be made which way to go to get help. President
Johnson wanted to go to the left, Vice President Humphrey
wanted to go to the right, and Mayor Daley suggested going
straight ahead. "I'm the President," said Johnson, "so we
should do what I say."
Humphrey disagreed. "Out here," he said, "we're all equal."
"I suggest we hold a vote," Mayor Daley said. "Secret
ballot."
They did. Mayor Daley won by a vote of 8-2.
~
Then there was the young stripper who had a bad case of
stage fright during her first performance. "Don't just stand
there," the club owner whispered to her loudly, "undo
something!"
~
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she
said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I
have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls
out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the
floor."
~
Isn't it amazing that just enough news happens each day to
fill the newspapers?
~
A man making his first skydiving attempt was alarmed when
his chute didn't open. He pulled the cord for his reserve
chute, but that didn't open either. As he was plummeting
toward the ground, he saw another man flying up towards him.
"Hey," he shouted at the man, "do you know anything about
parachutes?"
"Nope," was the reply. "Know anything about gas furnaces?"
~
Which of the following items does not belong on the list:
a) Herpes.
b) Gonorrhea.
c) AIDS.
d) A house in Detroit.

ANSWER: b) Gonorrhea. You can get rid of gonorrhea.
~
At the Yale-Harvard football game, a Harvard man was horri-
fied to see a Yaley leaving the men's room without washing his
hands. "At Harvard," he said haughtily, "we learn to wash our
hands after urinating."
"At Yale," the other retorted, "we learn not to urinate on
our hands."
~
A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauf-
feur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would
easily answer questions about morality and ethics.
Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and
asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's
lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauf-
feur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for
questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the
epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existen-
tialist world?"
"That is a extremely simple question," he responded. "So
simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which
is exactly what he will do."
~
Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible
tragedy last week," said one.
"Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was
playing a twosome with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the
ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the club-
house too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must
have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two
hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at
every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."
~
"My good man, aren't you ashamed to stand here on the street
begging?" asked the properly dressed woman.
"What do you want me to do," the man demanded, "open an
office?"
~
A young man was applying for a job as a switchman. The
interviewer asked, "What would you do if you saw two trains
heading for each other on the same track?"
"I'd throw the lever to switch one of the trains on another
track."
"What would you do if the lever was broken?"
"I'd manually set the warning lights."
"And what if the warning lights did not work?"
"I'd use hand signals to try to warn the trains."
"And if that didn't work either?"
"Well, I guess I'd call my brother."
"Your brother? What would he do?"
"Oh, nothing. He just loves to watch train wrecks."
~
A man from the Bronx made a bundle of money on the stock
market and retired to Miami. His first day there, he fell into
the pool and nearly drowned. But a lifeguard pulled him out
and saved his life. As soon as he regained consciousness, he
motioned to a bellboy nearby. "What do they generally tip for
something like that?" he asked.
~
As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rain-
storm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid. "What's
the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.
"Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying,
'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains.'"
~
The doctor smiled at the woman who had just been
examined. "I have good news for you, Mrs. Smith."
"That's great," she said, "but I'm MISS Smith."
"In that case, Miss Smith," the doctor said, "I have some
bad news for you."
~
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to pilfer a watch
from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shop-
lifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you
say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The management agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The
crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than
I intended to spend. Can you show me something less
expensive?"
~
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala
charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the
spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a
contribution. "Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Why don't we
offer them ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a
contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
~
During a transcontinental flight, a passenger looked out the
window and noticed that two of the jet's engines were on fire.
He began shouting that the engines were on fire, and pretty
soon the rest of the passengers were in the throes of panic.
Whereupon the pilot appeared in the doorway to the passenger
compartment with a parachute strapped to his back. "Don't
worry, folks," he said cheerfully. "I'm going for help."
~
A boy hadn't said a word for the first thirteen years of his
life. One day at dinner he suddenly announced, "This hamburger
is cold."
His parents were shocked. "Why did you wait so long to
talk?" they asked.
"Well," he said, "up until now, everything's been okay."
~
A reporter was interviewing a remarkable man, who at sixty-
five, had just run the Boston Marathon. "Oh, it's nothing
really, compared to what my father just did," the runner told
him. "He's ninety and he just swam the English Channel. Right
now he's in Arkansas being best man at my grandfather's wed-
ding. Grandpa is 114."
"That's absolutely amazing," the reporter said. "You're
sixty-five and a marathon runner. Your ninety-year-old dad
just swam the English Channel. And now your grandfather, who's
114, wants to get married."
"That's not quite right," the runner said. "Grandpa doesn't
WANT to get married. He HAS to."
~
"Why hasn't Johnson been to work for the past week?"
"Hadn't you heard? He won a trip to Las Vegas."
"What's he doing now?"
"Trying to win a trip back."
~
A man walked into a store and told the clerk, "This is my
wife's birthday, and I'd like to get her a box of candy."
"A little surprise, huh?" the clerk said, winking.
"I'll say," the man replied. "She's expecting a Cadillac."
~
Two high school students were despondent after a particular-
ly grueling exam. "How close were you to the right answers?"
one asked.
"About three seats," the other replied.
~
A married couple tried everything but failed to have
children. Finally, their doctor said, "I know there is
no physiological reason why you can't have children. The problem
is probably due to tension. You're just trying too hard. From
now on just forget all the techniques, checking temperatures
and time of month and so on. Just relax. However, if on any
occasion you get the impulse to make love, then don't wait,
make love."
A few months later, the wife returned to the doctor and found
that she was pregnant. The doctor asked if they had followed
his advice. "Yes we did," she said, "We just acted normally,
and then one night at dinner, I dropped my napkin and my
husband and I both bent down under the table to pick it up.
Our fingers touched as we reached for the napkin giving us an
electric sensation. We remembered what you said and we just
stopped in the middle of dinner and made love under the table.
That's when I got pregnant."
"Terrific!" said the doctor. "You must be very happy."
"Yes, everything is wonderful except for one thing. They
won't let us in Howard Johnson's anymore."
~
I know a family of air pioneers. The father was the first
person to jump 1000 feet from an airplane. The mother was the
first to jump 2000 feet from an airplane. Their daughter was
the first to jump 3000 feet from an airplane. Now, the son is
going to be the first person to jump 10000 feet from an air-
plane. You see, he figures he has nothing to live for. He has
no family.
~
Did you hear about the scientist who was experimenting with
rats? He switched to lawyers so he wouldn't form an emotional
attachment.
~
The farmer frantically called the volunteer fire department.
"Come quick," he said. "My place is on fire!"
"How do we get there?" the fire chief asked.
"Don't you have them red trucks anymore?" the farmer asked.
~
Old man Woodruff loved golf, but his age was making it
increasingly difficult for him to play. He complained to the
clubhouse man about his eyesight. "I can't play with my
glasses on, 'cause they keep falling off," he said. "And I'm
too darn nearsighted to play without them."
"Why don't you play with Hughes?" the clubhouse man
suggested.
"Him?" Woodruff scoffed. "He's ninety-eight if he's a day,
and he can't get around without a wheelchair!"
"True," said the clubhouse man, "but he's farsighted."
So the next day Woodruff and Hughes played together.
Woodruff took a tremendous swing and hit the ball well. "Boy,
that felt good!" he exclaimed. "Did you see it?" he asked
Hughes.
"Yes," the very old man replied.
"Where did it go?"
"I can't remember," Hughes sighed.
~
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her
husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the break-
fast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't
you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense
attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I
felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."
~
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club mem-
ber skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was
walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped
him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about
twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the
trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew
out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield.
The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and
a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire and
the building burnt down. So, what are you going to do about
it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think
I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my
right thumb."
~
The judge was lecturing the suspect. "You were going over
100 miles per hour! Weren't you afraid of hitting somebody?"
"What?" asked the man. "On the sidewalk?"
~
Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchil-
dren would be saying about them fifty years hence. "I would
like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'"
declared the first man.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to
say, 'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent,
he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty
years?"
"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He
certainly looks good for his age.'"
~
The couple awakened from their night of love still in each
other's arms. The woman looked deeply into the man's eyes and
asked, "Was I the first girl you ever made love to?"
"Maybe," replied the man, "Were you at the '81 World
Series?"
~
The lion was feeling his oats one day as he went wandering
through the jungle. Before long, he came upon a monkey.
"Who's the king of the jungle?" he thundered.
"Y-y-you are," the monkey stammered in reply.
The lion walked on until he came to a gazelle. "Who's the
king of the jungle?" the lion shouted.
"You are, lion," the gazelle replied, and the lion walked
on.
Soon the lion encountered an elephant. "Who's the king of
the jungle?" the lion shouted once again. Whereupon the ele-
phant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him around, and
repeatedly pounded the poor lion against a tree. Finally, he
flung the lion into a shallow stream.
"Okay, okay," the lion said. "Just because you don't know
the answer is no reason to get upset."
~
The boozer was bicycling home after a night at the pub with
an unopened pint of Scotch whiskey in his back pocket. All of
a sudden, the bicycle hit a rock and flew out from under the
man. He flew into the air, and landed with a thud at the side
of the road. When he came to his senses, the drunk felt a warm
trickle down his thigh. "Oh, Lord," he said, remembering the
bottle, "I hope that's blood."
~
A retailer who sent a large order to a distributor received
the following wire: "Can't ship until you pay for your last
consignment."
The retailer wired back: "Can't wait that long. Cancel
order."
~
"I take great pleasure in giving you a B in mathematics,"
the professor told the student.
"Why don't you give me an A and REALLY enjoy yourself," the
student replied.
~
A number of years ago, there was a garbage collector's
strike in New York City. Trash cans in one Brooklyn neighbor-
hood were overflowing--except for the trash can in front of old
Mr. Pacelli's house. A neighbor stopped by and asked the
elderly gentlemen why his garbage can was empty. "Don't you
have any garbage?" the neighbor asked.
"Sure, I have garbage," he said. "But here's what I do.
Every evening, I take my garbage and gift wrap it. Then I
leave it on my car seat, and I leave the door unlocked. Next
morning, it's always gone."
~
The Texan was visiting Rhode Island, and stopped to talk to
a farmer laboring over a small plot. "How big is your plot of
land?" the Texan asked the man.
"Oh, it's a large enough plot," the New Englander replied.
"It goes about an acre in this direction and a half an acre
that way. What about your land?"
The Texan couldn't conceal a smile. "Back home," he said,
"I have a ranch and I can get in the car in the morning, turn
on the ignition, and still not reach the end of my property by
the time night falls."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," nodded the farmer. "I had a
car like that once."
~
A man applied for a clerk's job. "How much is the salary?"
he asked.
"Ten dollars a week," the boss replied.
"Ten dollars a week??" the man asked, incredulous. "I'm
insulted!"
"All right," said the boss, "I'll pay you ten dollars every
two weeks. That way, you won't be insulted as often."
~
The banker was told by his doctor to quit his job and get a
less stressful one. So after twenty-five years as a banker, he
found himself pumping gas. The first morning he opened for
business, a customer drove in and asked for ten gallons of
gasoline.
"Where are you going?" the former banker asked.
"To Chicago and back," was the reply.
The banker looked at the man and said sternly, "Don't you
think you can make it on five gallons?"
~
"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He
took the engine from a Ford, transmission from an Oldsmobile,
tires from a Cadillac, the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What'd he get?"
"Five years."
~
"I've never had problems with money," the businessman was
saying. "Now without money, I've had problems."
~
A cruise ship was wrecked in a storm, and the handful of
survivors were washed up on a desert island without food or
water. When dawn came, they saw that the ship was washed up on
a sandbar just a few hundred feet away. However, the inlet was
crawling with hungry sharks. The strongest young man volun-
teered to bring back the food. "I'm strong and I'm a good
swimmer. I think I can make it."
He dove in and gave it his best shot, but the sharks
devoured him before he had a chance to get close to the food.
"I'm a clergyman," another man volunteered. "The Lord will
protect his servant." But he too became shark chow.
Finally, a lawyer stepped forward. "I think I can get to
the ship," he said.
Sure enough, as soon as he got into the water, a dozen
sharks lined up and escorted him to and from the ship. He
returned to the ship unharmed.
"It's a miracle!" several of the passengers shouted.
\
"Nah, it's no miracle," the lawyer replied. "It's just
professional courtesy."
~
"Hey Sammy, how'd you get that flat?"
"Oh, I ran over a milk bottle."
"Didn't see it, huh?"
"No, damn kid had it under his coat."
~
The minister mounted the podium one Sunday wearing a band-
aid on his chin. "I had my mind on my sermon," he explained,
"and cut my chin."
As the sermon droned on and on, a parishioner was heard to
whisper, "He should have kept his mind on his chin and cut the
sermon."
~
A judge was noted for hearing more cases than all the other
judges combined. "How do you make up your mind so quickly?" a
reporter asked him.
"I listen to the plaintiff, and make my decision," he
replied.
"Don't you listen to the defendant as well?"
"I used to," said the judge, "but it only confused me."
~
Dr. Goldstein was busy with a patient when his nurse burst
into the room. "Doctor!" she exclaimed. "That man you just
gave a clean bill of health to? He was walking out of the
office, and he dropped dead. What should I do?"
"Turn him around so he looks like he was walking in," the
doctor replied.
~
A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began,
"you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great," the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
~
Two beautiful and elegant young women were comparing notes
at a swank eatery. "This," said one, putting her hand on the
table, "is the notorious Klopman diamond. You know, the one
that comes with the curse."
"Really," said the other. "What's the curse?"
"Klopman."
~
The unfaithful wife was embracing her lover in a hotel room
when she heard the sound of a key in the door. "It's my
husband," she whispered. "Quick, jump out of the window!"
"I can't," the lover said, alarmed. "We're on the
thirteenth floor!"
"For God's sake," the woman cried, "this is no time to be
superstitious!"
~
An executive was giving a tour of the new company offices to
a long time friend. "How many people work in this office?"
queried his friend.
"Oh, I'd say about half."
~
Luke was talking about his most frightening experience.
"Well," he began, "I was just walkin' through the woods,
mindin' my own business when out of nowhere, this huge grizzly
bear jumps out and grabs me. He was about to squeeze the
breath right out of me, and the gun dropped out of my hands.
Next thing I know, the bear has this gun and he's pointin' it
at my back."
"Gee," said one enthralled listener. "What'd you do?"
"Well, what could I do?" said Luke. "I married his
daughter."
~
An advice columnist received the following letter:
"I am an ex-convict. I'm about to be released from prison
and am engaged to be married to a young lady. She'd like to
know something about my background. Well, my dad was a con-
victed blackmailer, my mother was on narcotics all her life, my
one brother is serving time for assault, my sister was sent up
on a bad check charge, and my other brother is a used car
salesman. My question is, do you think I should tell her about
my brother who's a used car salesman?"
~
The huge freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack
into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a
shot, and in just over 9 seconds, he had run a hundred yard
dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he
said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
~
Two old friends were having lunch. Their conversation
started with sports and had progressed to marriage. "You know
Bob, I really don't think my wife understands me. Does yours?"
"Gee, I don't really know Tom. She's never mentioned your
name."
~
I have three hundred books, but no bookcase. I can't find
anyone to lend me a bookcase.
~
A woman was consulting a psychiatrist. "It's about my
husband," she said. "He thinks he's a chicken."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, "and how long has this been
going on."
"Oh, about two years," the woman replied.
"Two years?" the psychiatrist said, frowning. "Why have you
waited this long to do something about it?"
"Well," the woman shrugged, "for one thing, we needed the
eggs."
~
A centenarian's advice on how to live to be a hundred: Get
to the age of 99 and be very, very careful.
~
The president of the company was addressing the board of
directors. "All opposed to my proposal will reply by saying,
'I resign.'"
~
Two elderly ladies are sitting down to play mah jongg. One
says to the other, "What did you do to your hair? It looks
awful, just like a wig."
"It is a wig," the other woman replied.
"You know," the first woman said, "you could never tell."
~
At an exclusive Palm Springs hotel, a guest was approached
by the manager. "I'm sorry," the manager said quietly, "but
you'll have to leave the hotel."
"But why?" the guest demanded.
"Just do what I say," the manager said. "I would prefer not
to discuss it."
But when the guest absolutely refused to leave, the manager
reluctantly agreed to tell him the reason. "For one thing,
sir," the manager said, "you urinated in the pool."
"That's ridiculous," the guest said. "Everyone urinates in
the pool."
"Not from the diving board, sir."
~
The daredevil stunt man had lost his nerve and was visiting
a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist tried to put the man at ease.
"Tell me about your work," queried the doctor. "What exactly
do you do?".
"I wrestle with ferocious bears, I jump off tall buildings,
I walk over hot coals, and I swim underwater for fifteen min-
utes at a time in freezing cold water."
"That's incredible!" exclaimed the doctor. "How do you
manage to live?"
The stunt man looked at the psychiatrist and replied, "I
take in laundry."
~
JULIE: Guess what? I'm going to have triplets!
ANN: Wow, that's great. Aren't triplets very rare?
JULIE: I'll say. My doctor told me that triplets occur
once every two million times!
ANN: Gee, how did you have time for work?
~
Two partners in the clothing business had made a dreadful
error. They had sunk their entire savings into a line of suits
that turned out to be hopelessly ugly. With bankruptcy loom-
ing, suicide seemed the only way out. But then, good fortune
struck. A buyer from Texas came into the shop and agreed to
buy every last one of the suits--at the asking price. There
was only one catch. The buyer needed approval from his home
office. "It's a formality," the Texas man said, "but still, it
has to be approved. If you don't get a telegram by Friday at
5:00, the deal is still on."
The two partners spent the following week hoping the tele-
gram wouldn't come. By the time Friday arrived, they were
virtually paralyzed with anxiety. Finally, at 4:00 on Friday,
they heard the dreaded sound of a young man's voice, "Telegram!
Telegram!"
Neither man could move. Finally, one of the partners
dragged himself to his feet, walked into the reception room,
\
and read the telegram. A minute later, he came bounding back
into the office. "Great news!" he said. "Your brother died!"
~
The vaudeville entertainer came back stage after an unin-
spired performance. "Well, kid," said his agent, "did you go
out there and kill 'em?"
"Nope. They were dead when I got there."
~
A librarian who saved money for several years was finally
aboard a luxury ocean liner for her long anticipated cruise to
the Canary Islands. Once on board, she kept a daily diary.
"Monday: I felt quite honored this evening. The captain
asked me to join him for dinner."
"Tuesday: I spent the entire morning talking with the
captain."
"Wednesday: The captain made proposals to me unbecoming an
officer and a gentleman."
"Thursday: The captain said he loved me more than anyone he
had ever met and threatened to sink the ship if I didn't return
his affection by succumbing to his indecent proposals."
"Friday: This afternoon I saved 1,800 lives."
~
The New Yorker was building himself a house in rural Maine,
so he hired a local carpenter to execute the architect's plans.
But having looked at the plans, the carpenter shook his head
and told the New Yorker, "Can't do it this way. Plans are
wrong."
The New Yorker insisted that the plans had been drawn by one
of the finest architects in New York City, and there could be
no mistake.
Again the carpenter protested, and the New Yorker said,
"Look, the blueprint is right! You build it that way, or I'll
get someone else."
"All right," the carpenter shrugged, "have it your way. But
I'm telling you--you're gonna end up with two bathrooms."
~
The Texas billionaire awoke one day and said to his wife, "I
feel like a million dollars."
"What's wrong?" she said.
~
A Hollywood producer known for his stinginess, stubbornness
and ruthlessness was being introduced at a banquet. "And if I
ever have a heart transplant," the emcee was saying, "I would
like to get this man's heart."
Later on, the emcee was approached by a friend. "You didn't
mean that thing you said about the heart transplant, did you?"
the friend asked.
"Sure I did," the emcee replied. "If I get a transplant, I
want a heart that's never been used."
~
Two business partners were vacationing in Miami. Suddenly,
one sat upright in his chair and announced, "I made a dreadful
mistake. Before I left, I forgot to lock the safe."
"What are you worried about?" asked his partner. "We're
both here."
~
A Chicago judge who was to decide a bitter real estate
dispute received a check for $20,000 from the plaintiff and
$30,000 from the defendant. Calling to the two parties to
approach the bench, he announced, "Gentleman, I am an honorable
man. Therefore, I will return $10,000 to the defendant and try
the case strictly on its merits."
~
A somewhat plump lady walked into the bakery and bought a
cherry pie. "Would you like it cut into six pieces or eight
pieces?" the salesgirl asked.
"Better make that six pieces," was the reply. "I'm on a
diet."
~
"You've helped quite a bit," the patient told the
psychiatrist as he pointed a gun at the doctor's head.
"Unfortunately, now you know too much."
~
A friend of ours has a unique way of playing golf--with an
invisible ball. One day, another man came up to him and asked
if he could join him in a round of golf. "All right," the
golfer said, "but it might not be much fun for you since I play
with an invisible ball."
"That's no problem," said the other gentleman. "I can play
with an invisible ball, too." They agreed to play, and decided
to put a small wager on the game.
The first hole, our friend took a swing, and said, "Ooh, I
hit a great shot! That ball went about two hundred yards,
right in the middle of the fairway. Couldn't be better."
His new partner took his first shot and said, "My ball
started off right, but curved left and now it's three hundred
yards straightaway down the fairway."
They both seemed quite satisfied with their shots, and
continued to play the game. Comes the eighteenth hole, and
they're both tied, neck and neck. All the money is riding on
this hole. Our friend tees off and says, "Wow! I've never hit
\
a ball that far! That's a nine iron away from the green. I'm
in great shape."
Wouldn't you know it, his partner came up with an almost
identical shot. Once again, our friend lined up his shot, took
a short swing and said, "Wow! My ball hit on the green, and
rolled into the cup. Ha--there's no way you can beat me now!"
"Yes, there is," the other golfer replied. "You hit the
wrong ball."
~
FISHERMAN ONE: How'd you do?
FISHERMAN TWO: I caught a fish that was so big, it took two
men to carry the photograph.
~
A young couple was walking through the Egyptian exhibit at
the museum, when the guy accidentally brushed a vase and it
crashed to the floor. "That vase was 2,000 years old!" the
museum guide gasped.
"Thank goodness," the young man said, relieved. "I was
afraid it was new."
~
"Where can I get the 6:40 for Danbury?" demanded the harried
commuter.
"Well," said the switchman, "if you don't get off the
tracks, you're likely to get it right in the behind."
~
A man returned to the parking lot only to find his fender
crumpled. His spirits were lifted momentarily when he saw a
note pinned to his windshield, but they sunk again when he read
it. It read: "There are at least ten people watching me write
this. They think I'm writing my name, address and phone num-
ber. But I'm not."
~
A boxer had trouble with insomnia, so he consulted his
doctor. "Have you tried counting sheep?" the doctor asked.
"Sure," said the boxer, "but it doesn't help. Every time
I get up to nine, I jump up."
~
A note attached to a college student's term paper: "This
paper is both good and original, but the part that is good is
not original and the part that is original is not good."
~
A snobbish resident of a Connecticut town was known for his
uncanny ability to tell exactly what kind of wine he was
drinking--and the year--even while blindfolded. One day his
friends decided to have a little fun with him during one of his
tasting contests. They blindfolded him, and one of the
assembled urinated into a glass, and handed it to him.
He took a sip and spit it out. "This is urine!" he cried.
"Yes," said his friend, "but whose?"
~
A farmer whose land fell right on the Russian-Polish border
was informed that the border dispute had finally been ironed
out and his land was now totally within Poland. "Thank God,"
he said. "I don't think I could stand another of those Russian
winters."
~
A young college student wheeled her overflowing grocery cart
to the cash register at a Boston store. The line was clearly
marked EXPRESS LANE - SIX ITEMS OR LESS.
As the woman at the register was ringing up the sale, she
turned to the young boy who was bagging the groceries and said
"This girl either goes to Harvard and can't count, or to M.I.T.
and can't read!"
~
A prominent businessman passed away and was met at the
gates of heaven by St. Peter. The businessman gave St. Peter
a list of his accomplishments: chairman, director, consultant,
chief engineer, etc. St. Peter asked, "But what did you give
personally?"
"Oh my corporations took care of all that. They always were
donating money to various charities."
"Up here in heaven we look at one's personal contributions.
What did YOU do?"
"Well, let me see. Once there was a little old lady selling
pencils on a very cold day. I gave her a quarter and told
her to keep the five cents change."
"Well, that's okay, anything else?"
"Well, once I saw a little boy begging in the streets on
Christmas Eve and I gave him a penny."
"Okay, anything else ?"
"No, I think that's it."
\
"Well excuse me, I must discuss this with the Big Man." St.
Peter left and quickly returned.
"Well, what did he say?"
"Sorry, sir, I have bad news for you. I told him all that
you had done and the Boss said, 'Give him back his six cents
and tell him to go to hell.'"
~
An elderly fisherman was fishing by a river bank when a
stranger came along. "Catch any yet?" the stranger inquired.
"Nope," was the reply.
"That's funny," said the stranger. "I heard this was a fine
place for trout."
"It must be," said the old man. "They refuse to leave it."
~
Two old friends, Moskowitz and Finkelstein, met in the
garment district one day. Both seemed extraordinarily gloomy.
Moskowitz spoke first. "Finkelstein, I've just lived through a
summer the likes of which I thought I'd never see. June?
Never in my many years in business have I seen such a terrible
month. But when July came, June seemed terrific in comparison.
July was so terribly awful, that when I tell you--"
At this point, Finkelstein broke in, "You call those trivial
matters troubles? Let me tell you something. Yesterday, I
found out that my son, my only son, the one who I had placed
all my hopes in, told me he was dying of cancer. Now what
could be worse than that?"
"August," Moskowitz replied.
~
Not everyone is cut out to be a terrorist. One guy tried to
blow up a bus, but he burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
~
The trouble with political jokes is that too often, they get
elected.
~
A businessman was very well-respected in his community, but
he had a skeleton in his closet which caused him terrible
guilt. Ever since he was a young man, he had been stealing
wood from a nearby lumber yard. Each time he was honored for
being a model citizen, he felt worse. Finally, he confided in
a friend, who happened to be a Catholic.
"We Catholics are fortunate," said the friend. "We can go
to confession for forgiveness. I'm sure you can do that even
though you're not a Catholic. You'll feel greatly relieved."
The man brightened at the idea, and the next day he found
himself in the confessional. "Forgive me, Father, I have
sinned," he said, and revealed the whole sordid story. When he
was done, he was elated beyond his wildest imagination. "This
is great!" he said. "All I had to do was confess, and now this
tremendous burden is relieved!"
"Not so fast, my son," the priest advised. "You cannot
expect to commit a crime without paying, even if you have been
forgiven. Have you ever made a novena?"
\
"No," the man said, "but if you have the plans, I can get
the lumber."
~
The breathless man said to the railroad ticket taker, "The
11:45 to Chicago--if I ran, could I catch it?"
"That train?" said the railroad man. "If you ran, you could
beat it."
~
An ex-employer was being telephoned about a man who had
applied for a job elsewhere. "Was he steady?" the prospective
employer wanted to know.
"Steady?" the ex-boss said, "he was like a rock. From the
time he got here until the moment he left, he didn't move."
~
The golfer was raving about his new golf ball. "What's so
great about it?" asked a friend.
"It's got a sonic beep," the golfer replied. "If you hit it
into the rough, you find it immediately. Not only that, if it
hits the water, it sends up a little flag that floats on the
surface."
"That's just amazing," his friend enthused. "Where'd you
get it?"
"I found it," was the reply.
~
The lawyer was going over the facts of the case with his key
witness. "Now, I hope everything is clear. You realize that
you will be under oath and you will have to tell the whole
truth and nothing but the truth."
"Yes, sir. I understand."
"Good, because you know what will happen if you don't tell
the truth, don't you?"
"Our side will win, sir!"
~
The judge was addressing a man accused of pushing his
mother-in-law out of her fourteenth story window. "I cannot
believe that anyone is capable of such a cruel, ruthless act.
Don't you realize how dangerous it might have been for anyone
passing by at the time?"
~
PATIENT: Doctor, how can I stop my ears from ringing all
the time?
DOCTOR: Get an unlisted ear.
~
A man was hospitalized after a serious illness and was on a
strict diet. For breakfast, he got a teaspoon full of baby
food, two sips of tea, and a tiny cracker. "I'm sorry," the
nurse told him, "but that's all you can have to eat. Is there
anything else I can do for you?"
"Yes," the patient snapped. "Bring me a postage stamp. I
feel like reading."
~
DOCTOR: I'm afraid you're going to have to have surgery.
PATIENT: Gosh, how much will it cost?
DOCTOR: $15,000.
PATIENT: Well Doctor, I don't have that much money.
DOCTOR: Here's what I'll do. Give me $5,000 down and pay
me three hundred a month until the balance is
paid.
PATIENT: That's just like buying a car.
DOCTOR: I am.
~
During the final days of the Nixon administration there were
so many hirings and firings that staff members never knew who
would be in the office next to them. One week the secretary of
the interior was a Kelly Girl.
~
"Tell me," the gravely ill man asked his doctor, "how long
do I have?"
"Well," the doctor replied, "you know those TV shows that
are continued the following week? I wouldn't start watching
any of those."
~
It was just after a bombing raid on London during World War
II and a soldier was trying to deliver a message to the war
office. "Excuse me," he asked an elderly woman who passed him
on the street, "can you tell me which side the war office is
on?"
"Why, ours I think," was the reply.
~
"My golfing partner just ran away with my wife."
"Don't worry. You'll find someone else."
"Not someone who I can beat all the time."
~
It was well past midnight, and the couple who had been
invited for dinner showed no signs of leaving. Finally, the
exhausted host turned to his wife, yawned loudly, and said,
"Well, dear, what do you say we go to bed so these nice people
can go home?"
~
A veteran was holding forth about his war record. "Yep," he
said, "I had quite a time. First I blew up this ammo depot.
Then I blew up a bridge. Then I destroyed the general's
quarters. It was around that time that they decided to send me
overseas."
~
One prison inmate to another: "You know, just our being
here makes the world a better place to live."
~
A notorious borrower asked a friend for fifty bucks which he
promised to repay as soon as he got back from Chicago. Having
handed the borrower the money, the friend asked, "When are you
coming back from Chicago?"
"Who's going?" the borrower said, and walked away.
~
Have you ever stopped to think about how our streets aren't
safe, our water isn't safe, our air isn't safe--but under our
arms, we have complete protection?
~
A trucker was delivering a shipment of penguins to the zoo
when he had a flat tire. When he went to change it, he
realized he had no spare. So he flagged down a fellow in a
pick-up truck and explained the situation. "If you could take
these penguins to the zoo while I go get a new tire, I'll be
mighty grateful."
The pick-up truck driver said he'd be glad to, and off they
went to the zoo. Two hours later, the truck driver was fixing
the tire, and was surprised to see the pick-up still loaded
with penguins going in the opposite direction. Again, he
flagged the pick-up down. "Hey," he said, "didn't you take
those penguins to the zoo?"
"Sure," said the other driver, "but they had so much fun
there, I decided to take them to a movie."
~
A government census taker was questioning an old man who had
been born and raised in the town. "What is the population of
your town?" the census taker asked. "About three thousand,
five hundred and seven people, and it's been that way for forty
years," was the reply.
"You mean to tell me," said the census taker, "that there
were three thousand, five hundred and seven people here forty
years ago and the same number today? Haven't any people moved
in or any babies been born?"
"Oh, there have been babies born, alright," said the old
man. "Just happens that every time a baby is born, somebody
leaves town."
~
A newcomer to the state prison was surprised to see a group
of inmates sitting around the courtyard going through a pecu-
liar ritual. One man would shout out a number, and the others
would laugh.
"What's going on?" the new inmate inquired.
"Well," said a veteran, "we've all been here so long that we
know just about every joke by heart, so we just tell them by
the numbers."
Just then an inmate called out, "Two hundred and eight!" and
the rest of the group laughed particularly loudly.
"Why did everyone laugh so loud?" the newcomer wanted to
know.
The veteran chuckled. "Oh, we hadn't heard that one
before," he said.
~
Business is like sex. When it's good, it's very good. And
when it's not so good, it's still good.
~
Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, but
hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she
was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statis-
tics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the
family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously,
"what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a
plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very
small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the
odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he
said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day
on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
~
When President Woodrow Wilson was still governor of New
Jersey, he received a call in the middle of the night that one
of the state's U.S. Senators had died suddenly. He had no
sooner hung up the phone when he received another call, this
time from an ambitious office seeker. "I'd like to take the
Senator's place," the man said boldly.
"Well," Wilson replied, "if it's okay with the undertaker,
it's okay with me."
~
The patron in the fancy restaurant sat patiently for twenty
minutes but no one came by to take her order. Finally she
motioned to the maitre d'. "I'd like to change my table," she
said, "to something a little closer to a waiter."
~
A guy knocks on the door of a psychiatrist's office.
"Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me," cried the man. "My
brother, he breaks thermometers, throws away the glass, and
drinks the mercury."
"What?" cried the psychiatrist. "He wastes the best part!"
~
Three small store owners in a small town were fierce compe-
titors. On top of that, all three stores stood side by side.
One day, the owner at one end placed a large sign in his window
reading: LOWEST PRICES IN TOWN.
Not to be outdone, the proprietor at the other end put up
his own sign: ROCK BOTTOM PRICES.
Now, the third owner became very discouraged. Then it
struck him. He put up his own sign: MAIN ENTRANCE.
~
Two men were at a cocktail party in Washington, D.C. "Have
you heard the latest White House joke?" one asked the other.
"No," the other man replied, "but I think I should tell you,
I work at the White House."
"In that case, I'll tell the joke very slowly."
~
Fred and Harriet were returning home after a Sunday spent
going from one garage sale to another. "What's amazing to me,"
Fred muttered, "are the things people would rather have than
money."
~
Sir Gallings and Lord Harrington were discussing the morals
of today's youth. "It's unbelievable!" uttered Lord
Harrington. "No morals, no decency, I tell you. Hop into bed
with anyone. I didn't sleep with my wife until we were
married. What about you?"
"Not sure, old man. What was her maiden name?"
~
Two New York starlings had agreed to meet at their favorite
tree in Central Park at noon on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.
The starling from Brooklyn landed on time, but the uptown
starling was still not there by two o'clock. By three p.m.,
the Brooklyn starling was convinced that a cat had gotten his
compatriot.
At four o'clock, the uptown starling arrived. "Where were
you?" his friend demanded. "I was worried sick."
"Sorry I'm late," said the uptown bird, "but it was such a
beautiful day, I figured I'd walk."
~
George set out on a very windy night to see his friend Sam,
who was sick in bed. Hours later, George dragged his weary
body into Sam's house, and collapsed exhausted on the couch.
"I'll tell you," George said, when he had caught his breath,
"it was just brutal. For every step I took forward, I fell
back two."
"So how did you ever make it over here?" Sam asked.
"Well," George replied, "after a while I decided to give up,
so I turned around and headed for home."
~
Jonny was a troublemaker at school. One day the teacher
made him stay after school for writing on the blackboard,
"Jonny is a passionate devil."
All his friends were eagerly awaiting him when he finally
left the school. One of his friends shouted, "Jonny what hap-
pened? What did she do to you?"
A smile appeared across Jonny's face. "I ain't saying any-
thing, 'cept that it pays to advertise."
~
A man was taking the late train back to New York and found
himself in a car that was occupied by just one other man.
Trying to make the most out of a long ride, he tried to start
up a conversation with the well-dressed fellow. "May I buy you
a drink sir?"
"No thanks," said the passenger. "I don't drink. I tried
it once, but I didn't like it."
"How about a cigar then? I just bought these and they are
very good."
"Sorry. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like
it."
Still not discouraged, the man asked, "Well how about a game
of gin?"
"Don't play cards. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.
My daughter plays cards a lot though."
The man, defeated, looked at the other passenger and said,
"Your only child, I presume?"
~
It was the eighth round and the fighter was taking quite a
beating. As he stumbled back to his corner, he asked his
manager, "How am I doing?"
"Let's put it this way," the manager said. "You'd have to
knock the guy out to get a draw."
~
"There must have been an English teachers convention at this
hotel recently."
"What makes you say that?"
"The Gideon Bible has corrections penciled in."
~
An outspoken elder statesman was asked about the two presi-
dential candidates. "I'm thankful," he said, "that only one of
them can be elected."
~
A newcomer to Beverly Hills said, "I tried paying for
something with cash the other day, and the store guy got
real suspicious. 'What's the matter,' he said, 'you're
credit no good?'"
~
At first the Jewish lady was very upset when her son told
her he wanted to become a priest. But now, she's not only
accepted it, she's proud of him. "My son, the Father," she
calls him.
~
Charlie Baker, a marine had just recently been married when
he was sent overseas to France. He immediately wrote home to
his young bride. "Darling, I miss you so. It's very hard
living here not knowing the language. There are so many beau-
tiful women though. Its incredible. But don't worry, my love,
for I would sooner spend all my free time learning to play an
instrument than be unfaithful to you."
Sara, his wife, on receipt of his letter immediately sent
him a flute.
A year later Charlie returned. At the airport, he saw his
wife and ran towards her with open arms.
"Just one minute before we kiss," she said. "Let's hear you
play the flute."
~
An eighty-year-old man is sitting in his motel room watching
TV when a beautiful young woman opens the door. "Oh, I'm
sorry," she says, "I must have the wrong room."
"You've got the right room all right," he says, "but you're
forty years too late."
~
The attorney got his client a suspended sentence. They hung
him.
~
A bar patron with a reputation for braggadocio was telling
everyone in earshot that his doctor had ordered him to give up
half of his sex life.
"Which half are you going to give up?" asked a wag at the
table. "Talking about it or thinking about it?"
~
The motorcycle cop raced furiously to catch up with the
elderly man driving the 1947 Chevy. He pulled the man over,
and breathlessly raced up to him. "Mister," the cop said, "do
you realize your wife fell out of the car about five miles
back?"
"Thank goodness," the man said. "I thought I was going
deaf."
~
Back in the days when his show was a starting point for many
an entertainer, Ed Sullivan was approached by a man who claimed
that his dog could not only talk, it could sing. Sullivan was
skeptical, but was truly amazed when he heard the young dog at
rehearsal. The pooch crooned Sinatra, he did Elvis, he even
did a passable Ella Fitzgerald. Sullivan was all set to book
the dog, when another dog came into the studio, clamped its
jaws around the young dog's collar, and carried him out of
there.
"What was that all about?" Sullivan asked the owner.
"Oh," the man replied, "that's his mother. He loves to
sing, but she wants him to become a doctor."
~
The hypochondriac was convinced he had a very, very rare but
deadly disease.
"Ridiculous," pooh-poohed the doctor. "How could you know?
With that disease there's no discomfort of any kind."
"Yes, yes, I know," the hypochondriac replied. "Those are
my exact symptoms!"
~
A mother was having a hard time keeping her two young boys
from using swear words. Finally, she decided to go to a
psychologist for some professional advice. "I have two
suggestions," he told her. "First, be firm, but don't lose
your temper. Second, make sure the older one sets an example
for the younger one."
The next morning, when the boys came downstairs, she asked
the older boy what he wanted for breakfast.
"I'll have some @ & * eggs," he said.
Without batting an eye, the mother took a swing and sent the
boy flying across the room. He landed in a heap in front of
the couch. "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" she asked
the younger boy in her sweetest voice.
He hesitated for a moment, then replied, "Anything but them
@ & * eggs!"
~
George was watching the Sunday football game, when his
friend Charlie stopped by. "What's the score?" Charlie asked.
"Three down and twenty-one to go," said George.
"What kind of football score is that?"
"Who's talking about football? I'm talking about this case
of beer."
~
An army chaplain who was assigned to duty on the battle-
field, repeatedly preached one message to the troops. "Don't
worry about being hit by gunfire. Everything is controlled by
destiny. If a bullet is destined to hit you, it will, no
matter where you are."
The soldiers took this to heart, until one day during a
heated battle, the chaplain was seen running from the gunfire
to hide behind a tree. A corporal nearby saw the preacher flee
and asked him, "Father, I don't understand why you ran. You
said destiny controls everything, so why should you need to
hide?"
"I see that you did not fully understand my message young
man. You see it was my destiny to run and hide behind this
tree."
~
The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached
into his coat pocket. To his surprise, he pulled out a
thermometer. "Shit," he muttered. "Some asshole has my pen."
~
Did you hear about the guy who wanted to manufacture glass
bottom boats so the fish can see how big the guy is they got
away from?
~
A man walked by a house that was being painted, and he
noticed that the painter was working furiously. He had never
seen a human work that fast. "What's the hurry?" he called
out.
"Oh," the painter replied, "I'm trying to finish this job
before I run out of paint!"
~
The young businessman had bought a new Mercedes which was
his pride and joy. Came the day, however, that he took a turn
too quickly and ended up wrapping his car around a tree. But
he was unhurt, and took his misfortune cheerfully. "Well,
that's the way the Mercedes Benz," he shrugged.
~
A distinguished anthropologist, Margaret Carty, was being
visited by her mother. Ms. Carty had just returned from an
expedition through Central Africa and had brought back many
artifacts from the native culture.
"Margaret, what's this funny thing on the mantel?" asked her
mother.
"That piece is used in a very special fertility dance," Ms.
Carty replied. "It's sort of a phallic symbol."
Her mother gave her daughter a strange look. "Honey, I hate
to tell you what it looks like."
~
A New Yorker walks into a delicatessen and notices the
shelves are filled with boxes of salt. Everywhere he turns,
all he sees is salt. "Do you really sell so much salt?" the
man asks the grocer.
"Not at all," replies the grocer. "I sell maybe one or two
boxes a week. To be perfectly honest, I'm not a good salt
seller. But the fellow who sells me salt, now he's a good salt
seller!"
~
The phone rang at the firehouse just as the chief had drawn
a royal flush. "My house is on fire!" a frenzied voice shouted
into the receiver.
"Why didn't you call us yesterday?" asked the chief. "We
were in the neighborhood then."
"But my house wasn't on fire yesterday," the man replied.
"Why wait until the last minute?" the chief replied.
~
Emmanuel Martez, seventy five years of age, was before the
Naturalization Court being administered a citizenship test.
"How many states are there in the United States of America?"
asked the judge.
"Fifty sir."
"Very good. And tell me who was the first president?"
"A simple question, your Honor. Washington."
"All right then, one last question. Do you believe in
overthrowing the government by subversion or violence?"
Mr. Martez gazed down at the floor, thought a moment, and
then replied, "Violence, your Honor."
~
Mr. Goldberg, nearsighted and nearing retirement, was cross-
ing the street near his home and he didn't see the car turning.
Before he could get out of the way, he was struck by the car.
Officer Murphy, seeing the accident from across the street,
sent someone to call the ambulance and ran over to help Mr.
Goldberg. He loosened the old man's collar, and propped an
overcoat behind his head. "Are you comfortable, Mr. Goldberg?"
he said when he was done.
"Ah," the old man shrugged, "I make a living."
~
A man went to his doctor for relief from a cold he just
couldn't seem to shake. The man pleaded with the doctor to
cure him. But the doctor, knowing full well that there is no
cure for the common cold, offered this advise. "I want you to
go out into this cold rainy weather," he instructed the pa-
tient, "and get soaked and chilled to the bone."
"But," exclaimed the man, "if I do that, I'll catch
pneumonia won't I?"
"Certainly," said the doctor. "Pneumonia, we can cure."
~
The three biggest lies:
The check's in the mail.
Of course, I'll respect you in the morning,
I'm from the Federal Government and I'm here to help you.
~
Reuben, the village idiot, was a great source of amusement
in a little Indiana town. "Watch this," said Roberts to a
visitor. "Hey, Reuben, I've got something for you."
Reuben sauntered over, a foolish grin on his face.
Holding out a nickel and a dime, Roberts said, "You can have
one of these. Which one do you want?"
"I'll take the big one, Mr. Roberts," he replied. Roberts
winked at the visitor, as Reuben took the nickel and shambled
away.
The visitor felt sorry for the hapless Reuben, excused
himself, and walked over to where the village dullard was
standing. "Reuben," he said, "don't you know the dime is worth
more than the nickel?"
"Sure, mister," he replied. "I know that."
"Well then, why do you let them make a fool of you like
that?"
"Because as soon as I pick the dime, they're gonna stop
playing the game."
~
WIFE: Was today the day everybody at your office took
the intelligence test you told me about?
HUSBAND: That's right dear.
WIFE: Did you take the test, too?
HUSBAND: Why, of course!
WIFE: How did you do?
HUSBAND: Let's just thank God that I'm president.
~
A successful trial lawyer married a beautiful woman he'd
saved from a long prison term. After about six months, he had
the suspicion she was being untrue to him.
When he was called out of town on business, he asked his
partner to check on her while he was away. When he returned,
he asked the partner for details.
"Well," the partner began, "as soon as you left, a good-
looking young guy came and picked her up. I followed them to a
cozy club where I noticed them dancing very, very close. At
about three a.m., they got into a cab, and they began kissing
passionately in the back seat. I followed them to your house,
and I watched them through the living room window, kissing and
fondling each other. Then they went into the bedroom and
turned out the light. That's the last I was able to see."
"That's the trouble," said the lawyer. "Always that element
of doubt."
~
A guy walked into a bar with a dog, and announced, "This dog
can talk. Is it worth a shot of whiskey if the dog can answer
a question?"
"I'm game," said the bartender. "Go ahead."
"Okay," the man said to his dog. "A guy is building a
house. What does he have to put on top?"
"R-r-r-ruff!" the dog replied.
"See?" said the man. "What did I tell you? Want to try it
again?"
"Okay," said the bartender.
"The same guy is still building his house," the man tells
the dog, "but the boards have to be sanded. They're not
smooth. What are they?"
"R-r-r-ruff!" says the dog.
"Wait a minute," says the bartender. "Let me ask him a
question now." He gave the dog owner a drink and then asked,
"Who's the greatest baseball player who ever lived?"
\
"R-r-r-ruff!" was the reply.
"Just as I thought," said the bartender. "A fraud. Now get
out of here now!"
The man and his dog walked outside into the street. The dog
looked up at the man and said, "Hey, do you think I should have
said 'Aaron?'"
~
In the emergency room of a hospital where a golfer had just
been brought in with a golf ball lodged in his throat, a man
anxiously awaited the delicate surgery. A nurse noticed the
golfer and asked, "Are you a relative?"
"No, not at all. It's MY ball."
~
BOSS: Get me my broker.
SECRETARY: Which one--stock or pawn?
~
The woman looked up from the book she was reading. "Do you
realize," she said to her husband, "that 5,000 camels a year
are used to make paint brushes?"
"Unbelievable," he said. "It's amazing what they can train
animals to do nowadays."
~
Tom and Ralph, best friends since their college days, were
talking at work. "Boy, did I have a dream last night," Tom
started. "I dreamt I was in Las Vegas and I couldn't lose. I
held the dice for over an hour. I got blackjack 23 times in a
row. When I played roulette, every number I bet on won. It
was just incredible!"
"That's nothing," testified Ralph. "Last night I had the
most frustrating dream of my life. I dreamt that two beautiful
models came into my bedroom, and completely undressed. The
trouble was there were TWO of them and only one of me."
"For heaven's sake," cried Tom. "Why didn't you call me?"
"I tried, Tom, but you were in Las Vegas."
~
A man went to the doctor because his arm was bothering him.
"Doctor," he said, flexing his arm, "it hurts when I do this."
"So don't do this," the doctor replied. "Have you ever had
that pain before?"
"Yes," the patient answered.
"Well, you got it again."
~
A young man recently made a bundle in the stock market, so
he took a vacation in South America. He was shopping for a
special present for his mother, when he spied an unusual look-
ing bird at an outdoor market. "How much is that bird?" he
inquired.
"$1500," the stall owner replied.
"$1500??" the young man asked. "For that bird?"
"Oh, yes senor," the merchant said, "it is a very unusual
bird, for it speaks twelve languages fluently."
After getting the price down to $1000, the man bought the
bird for his mother and had it shipped off to Brooklyn. Sure,
$1000 was a lot of money, but for his mother, why not?
Several weeks later he returned to the states and gave his
mother a call. "So, ma," he said, "what did you think of the
present I got you?"
"It was delicious," she said.
\
"Ma, don't tell me you ate that bird!" the young man cried.
"That bird cost me $1000 and it spoke twelve languages!"
"So?" his mother replied, "it should have said something."
~
OFFICER: Hey buddy, here's a ticket for parking.
BUDDY: Great, where's it playing?
~
The harried woman was petitioning the Governor to get her
husband out of jail.
"What was he imprisoned for?" asked the Governor.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," was the reply.
"Is he a good husband?"
"Oh no," she said. "He disappears for weeks on end, then
comes home drunk and beats the children and myself."
"Then why on earth do you want him out of jail?" the Gover-
nor asked.
"Well," she replied, "we're out of bread again."
~
Two laboratory rats at the University of Michigan were
talking. "Have you ever had the feeling," one asked, "that
we're just a part of some crazy experiment?"
~
The city boy in the flashy sports car stopped in front of a
Vermont general store to ask an old farmer for directions.
"Hey," the city fellow called, "how far is it to Brattleboro?"
The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Don't know."
"Well, then, what's the quickest way to get there?"
Again the old man thought, and replied, "Don't know."
"Okay," the city man continued, "Where's the nearest gas
station so I can ask directions?"
"Don't know," was the old farmer's reply.
"Hey," the man said, annoyed, "you don't know much of
anything, do you?"
"Wal'," the old man said quietly, "I'm not lost."
~
A duck walked in to a large drugstore and asked for some
chapstick.
"Are you going to pay cash for that?" asked the incredulous
clerk.
"Nope," said the duck. "Just put it on my bill."
~
The report was that the residents of the Lower East Side in
New York have remarkably long life spans. So a newspaperman
from the old New York World Telegram was sent to interview Mr.
Shapiro, age 103. "What would you say the death rate is here
in this neighborhood?" the reporter asked.
"Oh, about one per person," Shapiro replied.
~
Once there lived a man who fancied himself the greatest
actor in the world. But he was dogged by bad luck. He just
never seemed to be able to land the part that would catapult
him to stardom. Finally, he got his break. He was chosen to
play Abe Lincoln on the stage. Day and night, he practiced.
He learned all of Lincoln's speeches, and read everything ever
written about the man. He learned to look like Lincoln, dress
like Lincoln, talk like Lincoln, until finally he could have
passed for Lincoln's double. But on opening night, tragedy
struck. On his way to the theater, he was assassinated.
~
In PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM, Woody Allen meets a beautiful, if
neurotic, young woman at an art gallery. "What are you doing
on Saturday night?" he inquires.
"Killing myself," she says coldly.
"Well," says Woody, undaunted, "what are you doing on Friday
night?"
~
Once there was a little boy who was clairvoyant. It seems
this boy had premonitions. One night while saying his prayers
he said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma,
good-bye Grandpa." The next day Grandpa died of a stroke.
Then, later on the boy said, "God bless Mommy, God bless
Daddy, good-bye Grandma." Then Grandma was hit by a bus.
Sometime later in his prayers he said, "God bless Mommy,
good-bye, Daddy."
The father, understandably, was quite upset. He had himself
driven to work. All day he was on guard for some fatal mishap.
Finally, he could stand it no longer and decided to come home
from work early. He took a taxi home and went immediately
inside. He was greeted by his wife who said, "You won't believe
what happened today! The most dreadful thing -- the milkman
dropped dead on the back porch."
~
DOCTOR: You're as fit as a fiddle. You'll live to be
eighty.
PATIENT: But I am eighty.
DOCTOR: See? What did I tell you?
~
It's terrible how standards are being lowered in this coun-
try. There was a piece in the paper the other day saying that
the National Bureau of Standard just announced that a picture
is now worth only 848 words.
~
Moskowitz approached Finkelstein with a business proposi-
tion. "For $500," Moskowitz began, "I can sell you an
elephant."
"What are you, crazy?" Finkelstein replied. "I've got a
little apartment in the city. Where am I gonna put an
elephant? How am I gonna feed him? I got a kid I'm scrimping
to send to college--what on earth am I gonna do with an
elephant?"
"Okay," Moskowitz rejoined, "how about two elephants for
$750?"
And Finkelstein said, "NOW you're talking!"
~
The aging boxer was taking quite a beating in the ring one
evening. As he approached his corner after the third round, he
looked ready to throw in the towel. "Don't give up now," his
manager encouraged him, "you got a no-hitter going."
~
Mrs. Johnson was recovering from an illness when her Pastor
paid her a visit. The visit cheered Mrs. Johnson up tremen-
dously and, in return, she presented the Pastor with some
brandy soaked pears. The Pastor accepted the gift and brought
the jar to his nose and sniffed it. "Oh, I can't thank you
enough," the Pastor said.
"Oh, it's only a little present," she replied.
"It's not the gift that counts," the Pastor said, "but the
spirit in which it is given."
~
A noted football coach was asked how he determined what
position each new recruit plays. "It's simple," he replied.
"I just turn 'em loose in the park. The ones that run around
the trees become the guards, and the ones that run into the
trees I make the tackles."
~
Chauncey Depew, the statesman, was already nearing ninety
when he found himself at a dinner sitting next to a beautiful
young woman who was wearing a strapless evening gown. Unable
to take his eyes off of her, he finally leaned over and said,
"My dear girl, what's keeping your dress on you?"
And she answered, "Only your age, Mr. Depew."
~
A locksmith received a call in the middle of the night from
a man who sounded very upset. "I locked my keys in my car," he
wailed.
"Don't worry," the locksmith replied. "I have a skeleton
key that can open any car."
"Okay," the man said, "but hurry. I left the convertible
top down and everything is getting wet!"
~
A man went to the doctor and told him that five years
before, he had swallowed three silver dollars. "If you swal-
lowed them five years ago," the doctor asked, "why did you wait
so long to see a doctor?" "I never needed the money before
now," was the reply.
~
"Where did you get that candy?" the mother asked the boy.
"I got it with the dime you gave me," he replied.
"That dime I gave you was for Sunday school," she
reprimanded him.
"I know, mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the
door and got me in free."
~
At a military function, the base commander launched into a
long-winded oratory. A young lieutenant, obviously displeased,
observed to the matron sitting next to him, "What a pompous,
unbearable windbag that old slob is."
The woman turned to him and said, "Lieutenant, do you know
who I am?"
"No, ma'am, I don't," the young man replied.
"I am the wife of that unbearable windbag," she told him.
"Do you know who I am?" the lieutenant asked her.
"No, I don't," she said.
"Thank God," he muttered, and disappeared into the crowd.
~
The prisoner was brought before the judge. "Tell the court
your age please," the judge said.
The prisoner stood mute. The judge repeated his question.
"Tell me when you were born? When is your birthday?"
"What do you care?", the prisoner finally replied. "You're
not going to get me anything."
~
A critic who mercilessly lambasted an actor's performance
was sued by the actor for defamation of character. The lawsuit
settled, everyone waited to see what the critic would say about
the actor's next performance. No mention was made of the actor
until the last sentence of the review, which read: "Mr.
Smith's performance was not up to its usual standards."
~
A Hollywood bigwig was bragging about his attorney. "He's
so good, he got Ray Charles a driver's license."
~
Groucho Marx, known for smoking cigars and chasing women,
was on an airplane and requested permission to light up a
cigar. The flight attendant knew quite well of the regulation
against cigar smoking, but figured he could make an exception
for someone as famous as Groucho.
"I suppose you can smoke a cigar if you don't bother the
women passengers directly in front of you," he said.
To which Groucho replied, "You mean I've got a choice?"
~
Two city boys went up north fishing, rented a boat, and got
roaring drunk. To their amazement, the fish were biting and it
was all they could do to haul the fish in one after the other.
"Hey," said one, as they were rowing back to shore, "that was
some great fishing. I hope we can remember this spot for
tomorrow."
"It's all taken care of," said the other. "I've already put
an 'x' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
"Now that ain't too smart," said the first guy. "How do you
know we'll get the same boat tomorrow?"
~
A man who had made a total mess of his life stood poised to
jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. "I'm useless! I'm a fail-
ure!" he shouted in despair.
The clergyman who was trying to restrain him said, "No man
is completely useless. At very least, you can serve as a
horrible example."
~
Culberson was relaxing at the club after a few rounds of
golf. "Do you think it's going to rain tomorrow?" he asked
Shrewdsberry, an attorney sitting next to him.
"Probably not," Shrewdsberry yawned. The next day,
Culberson received a bill for legal advice.
The following week they met again at the club, and to make
conversation, Culberson asked, "Are the Cleveland Indians ever
going to get out of last place?"
"It doesn't look like it," Shrewdsberry replied. Once
again, Culberson received a bill.
This time, Culberson took the bill over to the club, where
he found Shrewdsberry relaxing in a lawn chair.
"Listen," he shouted at the attorney, "you're a shyster and
a crook. And I'm not asking, I'm telling!"
~
Two men in the garment district in New York were talking.
"So how's business?" the first man asked.
"Not so good," the other man replied. "It looks like a
sure-fire proposition."
~
When Mr. Jones retired, he decided it was time to enjoy life
and find some leisure activities. A friend suggested he take
up golf. So he joined a country club and bought a set of golf
clubs. He had no idea how to play, so before beginning his
first game, he asked his caddy, "What do I do?"
The caddy replied, "You see that flag way over there?"
"Yes," the man said.
"Well just use your club and hit the ball toward that flag,"
instructed the caddy.
So the man took a big swing and hit the ball so well that
it landed just a few inches from the hole. When they arrived
at the green the man said, "Okay what do I do now?"
The caddy said, "Now you try to hit the ball into the hole,
of course."
The man exclaimed, "Now you tell me!"
~
Old bankers never die. They just yield to maturity.
~
Every Friday night, a man would come into Joe's and order
the same thing--two martinis. After a while, Joe suggested
that he just order a double instead.
"No, I couldn't do that," he said. "You see, it's a senti-
mental thing. An old buddy of mine died a few weeks ago and
before he checked out, he asked that when I drink I have one
for him as well."
So Joe was surprised the next week when the man ordered
just one martini. "What about your friend's drink?" Joe asked
him.
"This is my friend's drink," Joe replied. "I'm on the
wagon."
~
The city boy had taken his girlfriend for a ride in the
country. Inspired by the landscape, he jumped a fence to pick
some flowers for her. When he looked up, however, he found
himself facing a ferocious bull. About fifty yards away, he
noticed a farmer on a tractor, quietly surveying the scene.
"Say," the young man shouted out to the farmer, "is that
bull safe?"
"He's safe all right," the farmer said. "Can't say the same
about you, though."
~
"Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"
~
Two men were discussing their family backgrounds. Said one,
"My grandfather was ruined in the crash of '29."
"How'd that happen?" the other asked.
"A millionaire jumped out of the window and landed on his
pushcart."
~
The angry man stormed into the drug store and shouted at the
pharmacist. "Do you realize you made a mistake in that pre-
scription you filled for my wife. Instead of quinine, you
added strichnine!"
"In that case," the pharmacist replied, "you owe me another
$10."
~
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor,
Doctor you got to help me. I'm going crazy."
The doctor looks at the man. "Why you're perfectly normal,"
the doctor tells the patient. "You're as sane as I am."
The patient suddenly starts brushing himself and shouts,
"But Doctor, what about these butterflies? They're all over
me!"
"Hey, for heaven's sake," the doctor cries. "Don't brush
them off on me!"
~
A young man applied to the Daily News for a reporting job.
The editor asked the man if he had much experience, being so
young and all. The aspiring applicant suggested that he be
sent out on a test story to see how well he could perform. The
editor agreed and told him that when a good first story came,
he would call him.
The next day the editor sent the young man to a wedding.
Several hours later the man returned, but with no story. "What
happened?" asked the editor.
"Well, I went to cover the wedding just as you instructed,
but there was no story to cover. The bride didn't show up."
~
The judge was reprimanding the fellow before him. "Mr.
Smithers," the judge roared, "you're a disgrace to our fine
city!
You smashed the windows of City Hall and then refused arrest
while shouting obscenities at Police. What do you have to say
for yourself?"
"Gee whiz, your Honor. I'm very sorry."
"Sorry isn't enough," said the judge. "I'll give you your
choice Smithers - five hundred dollars or forty-eight hours?"
"Why that's very generous of you, your Honor. I'll take the
money."
~
The homeowner called a window washer for an estimate. "How
much to clean the windows on the ground floor?" he asked.
"Two dollars a window," said the window washer.
"And the second floor?"
"That's two dollars also."
"How about the basement windows?" the homeowner asked.
"Those," the washer replied, "are five dollars each."
"Five dollars each?" the homeowner demanded. "Why are the
basement windows so expensive?"
"Expensive?" the washer replied. "Don't you realize how
much time it takes to dig the hole to put the ladder in?"
~
A group of cut-throat advertising executives were having a
drink together after work. One of them asked, "Hey where's
Fred, I haven't seen him in a while."
"Didn't you know?" said another co-worker. "Fred went to
the Great Ad Agency in the sky."
"Are you kidding?"
"No, he died two weeks ago."
"Gee, well what did he have?"
"Oh nothing much. Just a small shampoo account and a few car
dealerships. Nothing worth going after."
~
Three men were arguing over which profession was the oldest.
The surgeon said, "According to the Bible, God made Eve by
carving a rib out of Adam. I guess that makes mine the
oldest."
"Not so fast," said the engineer. "In six days, the earth
was created out of chaos. It took an engineer to do that."
"Yes," said the politician, "but who created the chaos?"
~
A man walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I
have this problem. I can't remember a thing."
"How long have you had this problem?" asked the doctor.
"What problem?"
~
There's a doctor in town who's very reasonable. A man
walked into the office for an examination, and the doctor gave
him six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the
doctor gave him another six months. Another guy walks into his
office with a sore foot. "Don't worry," the doctor tells him.
"I'll have you walking in an hour."
Sure enough, the doctor kept his promise. He stole the
guy's car.
~
A family doctor, an internist and a surgeon were out duck
hunting. They agreed to take turns shooting their prey. A
bird appeared to the left heading towards them. The family
doctor spoke first. "Well, it looks like a duck," he said, and
he fired a shot. However, much to his chagrin, he missed by
a great deal.
A few minutes later another bird appeared. The internist
cries, "This one's mine. It looks like a duck. It flies like
a duck, but I think I should do a few more tests before
firing." By this time, the duck had flown well out of range.
"Move over," said the surgeon. "I'll show you guys how
it's done." They waited. Finally a bird appeared in the sky.
The surgeon immediately cocked his rifle and shot the bird
dead. When his trusty dog came back carrying the bird in his
mouth, the surgeon grabbed the bird and shouted, "What do you
know? It is a duck!"
~
The doctor was making his rounds in the hospital. "I have
some good news and some bad news," he said to one patient.
"Tell me the bad news first," said the sick man.
"My friend," the doctor began, "you have less than three
months to live."
"So what's the good news?" the patient asked wearily.
"See those plane tickets over there?" the doctor pointed,
smiling. "I'm going to Hawaii for two weeks."
~
"What happened to your waitress job?"
"I quit."
"You quit? How come?"
"It wasn't for me. I hated taking orders."
~
FATHER: Son, let me be the first to congratulate you.
You'll always remember this day as the happiest
of your life!
SON: But, Dad, I'm getting married tomorrow.
FATHER: Exactly my point!
~
"I don't understand what people are complaining about these
days," the barber was telling his customer. "My grandfather
made a fortune, and he did it knowing only three words in
English: 'Stick 'em up.'"
~
POLICE: Can you describe the man who hit you?
VICTIM: Funny, that's exactly what I was doing when he hit
me.
~
Smith and Jones, the only two judges in a small western
town, had the misfortune of being arrested for speeding on the
same day. Since no one else could try the cases, they decided
to try each other. Smith stood trial first. "How do you
plead?" Jones asked him.
"Guilty," was the reply.
"I hereby fine you $50," Jones ruled. They then changed
places and Jones took the stand.
"And how do you plead?" Smith asked his colleague.
"Guilty."
"These cases are becoming far too common," Smith said
sternly. "This is the second case like this we've had this
morning. I fine you $100 and sentence you to thirty days in
jail."
~
"You love football more than you love me!" complained the
wife to her husband, who was glued to the TV set.
"Sure I do," he answered, "but I love you more than
basketball."
~
At Atlantic City, the bellhops expect a tip every time you
see them. A guy was in his room and asked for a deck of
playing cards, so the bellhop made fifty-two trips.
~
The minister was enjoying a drive through the country one
Sunday afternoon, when he noticed a remarkably beautiful farm.
Unable to contain himself, he stopped the car and strode over
to the farmer who stood surveying his fields.
"You and the Lord sure have a beautiful place here," the
preacher said.
"Wal'," drawled the farmer, "you shoulda seen it when just
He had it."
~
Harrison and Pierce were having a drink at a bar. "Pierce,
did you have a little fling with my wife?" Harrison asked.
"Um, well, all right, I admit it. It's true."
"To be perfectly frank, Pierce, I don't like it at all."
"You know, Harrison," Pierce replied, "I really can't blame
you. I didn't like it myself."
~
A man and his date patiently waited at a particularly swank
restaurant while one couple after another were seated. Not
wishing to make a scene, the man whispered to the maitre d', "I
have reservations."
"If I were about to eat here," the maitre d' whispered back,
"I would have reservations too."
~
McGregor, O'Leary, and Lefkowitz were mourning the passing
of a mutual friend. "Although I am a thrifty soul," McGregor
said solemnly, "there is a legend that I have heard that if one
places a wee bit of money in the casket of the deceased, it
will ease passage into the next world." And so saying, he took
ten dollars out of his wallet and placed it in the casket.
O'Leary would not be outdone. "It seems like an unlikely
custom," he said, "but why take a chance?" And he too placed a
ten dollar bill in the casket.
"And I'll go along with it too," Lefkowitz announced, as he
wrote out a check for $30, placed it in the casket, and took
the two ten dollar bills as change.
~
A drunk staggered over to a parking meter and put in a dime.
The dial went to 60. "How about that," the drunk said. "I
lost a hundred pounds."
~
Two rival opera singers chanced to meet at a party. "I had
my voice insured," said one haughtily.
"Oh?" said the other. "And what did you do with the money?"
~
A doctor and his wife were walking downtown when a heavily
made up young woman in a tight skirt hailed him from a doorway.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"Oh, just a young woman I know professionally," the
physician replied.
"Really?" the wife said. "Yours or hers?"
~
Two thugs were holding up a bank. After tying and gagging
the manager, they led the rest of the employees into the vault.
They had filled their sacks and were ready to leave, when they
heard the manager thrashing around on the floor and mumbling
through his gag. Lowering the gag, one of the robbers asked,
"What do you want?"
"Please," whispered the manager. "Take the books, too.
I'm $15,000 short!"
~
A lady walked into a Bronx butcher store and asked for a
Long Island duckling. The new butcher produced a duckling from
the case and begun to wrap it, when the lady said, "Let me see
that for a minute."
Grabbing the duck by the legs and spreading them, she
sniffed the bird and announced, "This is no Long Island
duckling. This is a Rhode Island duckling."
The butcher produced another one, and she did the same
thing. "This one," she said, "is from Connecticut! I want a
Long Island duckling!"
Finally, after doing the same thing with six ducklings, she
said triumphantly, "Now THIS is a Long Island duckling!"
As the young butcher was wrapping the bird, she said, "I'll
tell you, young butchers nowadays know nothing. Where are you
from anyway?"
"Here lady," he said, spreading his legs. "Why don't YOU
tell ME!"
~
"Was your friend shocked by the death of his mother-in-law?"
"Shocked? He was electrocuted."
~
It was the fifth inning of an important game and the pitcher
for the home team was doing rather poorly. The manager walked
out to have a talk with him. The pitcher explained that he
wasn't tired and was allowed to stay in the game.
In the next inning, the pitcher was in trouble again, and
again the manager walked out to the mound. Again, the pitcher
insisted he was fine and so the manager left him in. Then a
couple of innings later, the pitcher was in a real mess. When
the manager got to the mound, he listened to the pitcher deny
being tired. Finally, the manager motioned for a new pitcher.
"Listen," he said, "maybe you're not tired, but I am!"
~
A poor fellow we read about was victimized by vampires every
night for six months. Finally, he could stand no more. "Lis-
ten," he said when the vampires showed up for their fix, "I'm
sick and tired of being stuck for the drinks!"
~
Bridget was on her deathbed, and her husband Mike was at her
side. "Mike," she said, straining to talk, "I have something
to tell you."
"Shhh," he said, "Save your strength."
"But Mike," she insisted, "it's a confession."
"There's nothing to confess," he said.
"I must confess this to die in peace," Bridget said. "I've
been unfaithful to you."
Mike stroked her forehead. "Now Bridget, don't worry. I
already know about that. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
~
Two elderly baseball fans, in the winter of their lives,
were talking about the hereafter. "I sure hope there's base-
ball in heaven," one said.
"Me too," said the other gentleman. "It sure would be hell
if there wasn't."
That night, the first elderly gent was preparing himself for
bed. As he got under the covers, he said, "God, if you're
listening to me, I've got to know. Is there baseball in
heaven?"
To his surprise, a booming voice answered, "I have good news
and I have bad news. The good news is, yes, there's baseball
in heaven. The bad news is, you're pitching tomorrow."
~
A coat rack in the cafeteria of a large midwestern univer-
sity had a sign on it which read: "For faculty members only."
Someone had scrawled underneath it: "Can be used for hats
and coats as well."
~
It was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and Mrs.
Hillsdale bought her husband a beautiful family plot at the
Rolling Acres cemetery. A year passed and on their twenty-
sixth anniversary Mr. Hillsdale asked, "What did you get me for
our anniversary this year darling?"
"Not a thing," Mrs. Hillsdale replied, "You still haven't
used what I gave you last year."
~
Sir Livingston, a wealthy but stingy old man, was checking
out of his hotel. The bellboy had just placed the tenth and
last piece of luggage in Sir Livingston's car and noticed the
elderly gentleman turn to get into his car. The bellboy rushed
over to him. "You're not going to forget me, are you?" he
asked.
"Of course not, young man," replied Sir Livingston, "I'll
write you twice a month."
~
During the Sixties, when it was fashionable to rebel, young
Rebecca told her grandmother that she was refusing to pay her
taxes in protest against the war. "Look," said her grandma,
with characteristic understanding, "it's okay to be a revolu-
tionary, but just don't start in with the government."
~
A man returned from a vacation in deepest Africa with a case
full of shrunken heads. Thinking he might be able to sell
them, he called the central office of Nieman Marcus department
store and told the operator that he was looking to sell some
shrunken heads. "Just a moment," she said.
Several moments later, another woman got on the phone.
"This is the head buyer speaking," she said.
~
Gladstone and Disraeli were rivals in British politics for
many years. During one heated debate, Gladstone shouted,
"Disraeli, you will die on the gallows or from some loathsome
disease!"
"That," Disraeli said, "depends on whether I embrace your
principles or your mistress."
~
Professor Dithers, a marine zoologist, was leading an
expedition through a thick swampy marshland when one of the
members of the group came rushing towards him obviously
stricken with panic.
"Professor Dithers!" he screamed. "Come quickly. Your son
has just been swallowed by an alligator."
The professor looked quizzically at the young man and
replied, "Certainly, my good man, you mean crocodile."
~
There was an article in the paper about the masochists'
Halloween party. Seems the most popular event was bobbing for
french fries.
~
A centenarian was asked his secrets of longevity. "Well,"
he said, "I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I make sure not to
overeat."
Said the reporter, "I had an uncle who did the very same
thing and he died at sixty. How do you explain that?"
"He didn't keep it up long enough," the old gent replied.
~
Jonathan Ruskin lay dying. His whole family gathered around
him. "Betty, my beloved wife, I want you to know that you will
be well taken care of when I . . ."
"Oh, Jonathan. You're not going to die," interrupted his
wife. "You'll get better."
"It's true Papa," his daughter replied. "The doctor
said so."
"My family, my family," Jonathan said, "I know that I am
dying. The doctor is just trying to make you feel better. I
want you all to know that I have taken care of everything.
When I'm gone you will be financially secure. I have but one
request."
"Oh, anything Jonathan, anything at all," his grieving wife
responded.
"I want a normal burial and I want to be next to my
family."
\
"Papa," said his son, "your mother, may she rest in peace,
is buried in Brooklyn. Your father, may God bless his soul,
lies in eternal bliss in California. Your sister, may she rest
in peace, rests in Miami. So where father do you want to, uh,
you know --."
Jonathan clutched his son's hand and looked him straight in
the eye. "Erin, my son, surprise me."
~
Why did the mouse marry the elephant? Because he had to.
~
A politician was cornered by the press as she was leaving
the Capitol. "Do you have any comments about the Middle East
situation?" yelled a frantic reporter.
"No comment," she replied.
"Do you have any feeling about what the president is consid-
ering?" fired another reporter.
"No comment."
"Is military force a viable option at this point?" yet
another queried.
"No comment," the politician replied, adding, "and don't
quote me on it either."
~
The town dog catcher had cornered a hapless gentleman, and
was about to put a net over him and place him in the truck.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute," the man protested. "I'm not
even a dog!"
"Sure, sure," the dog catcher replied. "That's what they
all say."
~
Little Johnny had a disagreement with a neighbor boy, and
his mother instructed, "Fighting never solves anything. Next
time you're mad, I want you to count to 50 before hitting
anybody." Later that afternoon, Johnny came home with a black
eye. "What happened to you?" his mother asked.
"Well," Johnny said, "I did what you told me. Only problem
was, Billy's mother told HIM to count to 25."
~
RICK: I heard that a single oyster can lay up to eight
million eggs per year.
RANDY: That's amazing. Just think what a married one can
do!
~
A man with a stocking over his face accosted another man in
an alley. "Stick 'em down," said the would-be mugger.
"You mean stick 'em up," the victim corrected.
"Huh," said the thug. "No wonder I haven't made any money."
~
It was Christmas and the four-year-old was taken downtown to
see Santa Claus for the first time. "Well, son," the father
asked at dinner, "what did you think of Santa?"
"Not much," replied the kid. "The guy can't even hold a
steady job. I saw him in four different stores."
~
QUESTION: What's the most boring job in the world?
ANSWER: Working for the phone company telling the time on
the night shift.
~
Smith and Jones were on their way to play golf when they
passed a church. Jones, feeling guilty about not going to
confession, told Smith to wait outside while he went in to be
forgiven.
Once inside, Jones began, "Father, I have been unfaithful to
my wife. I have committed adultery."
"Was it Mrs. Rourke?" asked the Father.
"No, it wasn't," replied Jones.
"Was it Mrs. Mitchell?" the Father queried.
"No, Father."
"Mrs. Wright?"
"No."
Jones then got up and left and found Smith waiting for him
on a nearby bench. "Well, did the Father give you forgiveness
for you sins?"
"No," replied Jones, "but he gave me a lot of good ideas."
~
DOCTOR: Could you pay for an operation if I found one was
necessary?
PATIENT: Would you find one necessary if I told you I
couldn't pay for it?
~
In a rundown neighborhood in Pittsburgh, an apartment house
was on fire. A crowd gathered, and were horrified to see a
mother and her infant leaning out of the seventh floor window
crying for help. Suddenly, a young man pushed his way through
the crowd. "Hey," he called to the panic-stricken mother.
"Throw the baby down and I'll catch it."
"No!" she cried. "I'm afraid you'll miss."
"Don't worry, lady," he shouted back. "I used to be a wide
receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I've never missed a pass
in my life. Trust me!"
Reluctantly, she threw the baby down. But a sudden wind
took hold of the hapless child, and it drifted away from the
man. With skill and determination, he weaved through the
crowd, finally making a diving catch to save the baby at the
very last moment.
An enormous cheer went up from the crowd--and then he spiked
the baby.
~
Greenberg strode into a lumber camp in Oregon and asked for
a job, billing himself as "the Greatest Lumberjack in the
World."
"You?" the boss laughed. "You've gotta be kidding! You
can't weigh more than 125 pounds. Where have you worked
before?"
Pulling himself up to his full 5'5" stature, Greenberg
replied, "The Sahara Forest."
"The Sahara Forest?" the boss asked. "You must mean the
Sahara Desert."
"Yeah, NOW it's the Sahara Desert," was Greenberg's reply.
~
A chemist, a physicist and an economist were marooned on a
desert island. All the food they had with them consisted of a
single can of tuna fish. But there was one problem. They
didn't have a can opener.
The chemist spoke first. "I know. We'll put the can in the
sea and the salt will dissolve the metal."
"A lot of good that will do," declared the physicist. "By
then, we will have all starved to death. I have a better idea.
We can use this rock and large log as a fulcrum and fling the
can against a tree. The force will surely open the can."
"But then the tuna fish will be scattered in thousands of
little pieces," protested the economist. "I have a better
idea."
"All right, what's your idea?" asked the other two men.
The economist stroked his beard and said, "Assume we have a
can opener . . ."
~
What good is happiness? Can it buy you money?
~
MANGLED BICYCLIST: What's the matter with you, are you
blind?
DRIVER: Blind? I hit ya didn't I?
~
Moses was leading the children of Israel out of Egypt and
had now reached the Red Sea with the Pharoah's army in hot
pursuit. The Israelites were in the throes of doubt and panic,
so Moses called his publicity man, Lennie, to his side.
"Things don't look so hot, Lennie," Moses confided, "but I
think I have a plan. What if I hold my rod out over the waters
and cause them to part so that the Israelites can cross. But
as soon as the Egyptians try to follow, whoosh, the waters will
return and they will all be drowned. What do you think of
that?"
"Moses, baby," Lennie enthused, "you do that, and you'll not
only get rid of the Egyptians, but I guarantee you at least
three extra pages in the Bible!"
~
A man had been knocked down by a city bus and decided to
sue. He won the case, but was infuriated when his attorney
took 70 percent of the settlement. "You're forgetting," he
told the lawyer, "that I was the one injured in the accident."
"And you're forgetting," the attorney said, "that it was my
legal skill that won the case. Any idiot can get knocked down
by a bus!"
~
A construction supervisor noticed that one of the summer
employees was pushing his wheelbarrow upside down. "Hey," he
shouted, "turn that thing right side up!"
"Don't be silly," the boy replied. "Every time I do that,
they put bricks in it."
~
The man walked into the pet store, strode up to the parrot's
cage and demanded, "Can you talk, stupid?"
"Yes," replied the parrot. "Can you fly, dummy?"
~
A well-to-do executive asked a young woman of his acquaint-
ance to pose for him in the nude. "Sorry," she said icily,
"I'm not a model."
"That's okay," said he, "I'm no artist."
~
DOCTOR: A patient came in today and told me he had
episodes of amnesia.
DOCTOR'S WIFE: What did you do?
DOCTOR: I made him pay in advance.
~
The most dreadful thing happened last night. A commercial
came on, and I didn't have to go to the bathroom.
~
A southern boy visited the northeast and had his first
submarine sandwich. About an hour later, he observed to his
host, "I think I know why they call these things 'submarine'
sandwiches."
"Really? How's that?"
"I think this one is trying to surface," was the
southerner's sickly reply.
~
A young man came to the circus seeking a job. Thinking he
might make the boy an assistant lion tamer, the owner beckoned
him to come over to the lion's cage. There, the head lion
tamer, a beautiful woman, was rehearsing. She called the lion
to her, and he obediently came over and licked her face.
"Think you can do that?" the owner asked the young man.
"I'm sure I could, sir," the boy replied, "but you'll have
to get that damned lion out of there first."
~
The river had swollen and the dam had burst, and now the
town was under ten feet of water. A rescue boat came by Rev.
Smith's church, but Rev. Smith declined to get in. "The Lord
will save me," he replied.
An hour later, the water had risen another ten feet, and
Rev. Smith was on the roof of the church. Another rescue boat
came by, and again the reverend declared that the Lord would
save him.
Later that night, Rev. Smith clung to the roof of the church
with the water up to his chest. This time a helicopter came
by, but again the reverend shouted, "The Lord will save me."
Unfortunately, by the next morning poor Rev. Smith had
drowned. Up in heaven, he was noticeably miffed at the Lord.
"Hey," he said, "I thought you were going to save me."
"What are you talking about?" the Lord said. "I sent you
two boats and a helicopter!"
~
Back in the days before agents, baseball players had to
negotiate their own salaries. After one long dispute, a player
and the club owner reached a compromise that was not satisfac-
tory to either of them. "Do me a favor," said the owner after
the contract was signed, "and don't tell the other fellas how
much you're making."
"Don't worry," said the player, "I'm just as ashamed of the
salary as you are."
~
The difference between a scientist, a philosopher and an
advertising man can be summed up as follows.
The scientist is like a man who's blindfolded in a pitch
black room looking for a black cat. A philosopher is like a
man who's blindfolded in a pitch black room looking for a black
cat that's not there.
On the other hand, an advertising man is like a blindfolded
man seeking a black cat in a pitch black room who shouts, "I've
got it, I've got it!"
~
Julie had been a servant in the wealthy Winthrop household
for several years when, realizing she was pregnant out of wed-
lock, confided in Mrs. Winthrop.
"I'm terribly ashamed," she cried. "I will leave this
household immediately."
Mrs. Winthrop was shocked, but she felt very sorry for the
poor girl. She thought for a moment and then responded, "I
have an idea. You should have the baby in this house and we
will adopt it and treat it as one of the family."
Everybody was happy and life continued as normal for the
Winthrops. The next year, however, Julie found herself in the
same predicament. As before, Mrs. Winthrop, insisted that she
stay on and that they would adopt this child as well.
On the third occasion of Julie's misfortune, she once again
approached her employer.
"Julie, poor girl," she sighed, "what are we do with you?"
\
"I don't thinks there's anything to be done, Mrs. Winthrop,"
Julie calmly said. "I'm leaving for good this time. I can't
stand to work for such a large family."
~
George decided to leave work early and surprise his wife at
home. However, he was the one surprised when he walked in the
living room and saw his wife in the arms of another man. Fur-
ious, he shouted, "What in God's name is going on here. Who
is this man?"
"George, that's a fair question." She turned to the
man next to her. "What's your name, honey?"
~
Two men were talking about the exploits of their ancestors.
"My grandfather was a U.S. Senator," said one, "and he traveled
the country giving speeches."
"My grandfather spent some time on the platform too," the
other man said. "In fact, one time the platform broke while he
was speaking. Fortunately, the rope around his neck broke his
fall."
~
The chronic deadbeat got a call from the blood bank where he
had been the day before. It seems his blood bounced.
~
A father-to-be was feeling left out while his wife was being
outfitted with maternity clothes. So he went and got himself a
paternity suit.
~
A fellow had just received a promotion to a very high posi-
tion in an up-and-coming firm. The person who was leaving the
job handed him three envelopes, and said, "These should prove
very helpful in your new position. Open them one at a time,
but not until you absolutely have to."
The fellow thanked the outgoing employee, and started his
job. Things went smoothly for the first three months, but then
a crisis struck. Maybe I'd better open that first envelope, he
thought to himself. He opened it, and it read: "Blame me."
So when the boss called him on the carpet for low production
he said, "It's the person who had the job before me. She did
such a terrible job, that it's taken me this long to get caught
up."
The boss nodded and sent him back to work. Three months
later, another crisis--this one much worse--occurred. When the
fellow opened the second envelope, it read: "Blame the
economy."
\
"Boss," he said, "the economy is so bad, it's a wonder
anything gets sold."
Sure enough, the boss nodded and sent him back to work. But
three months later, there was another crisis so monumental,
that the fellow knew it was time to open the third envelope.
Anxiously, he tore it open. The paper read: "Prepare three
envelopes."
~
My uncle works at the Post Office. Every time some one
hands him a package, he says, "For me?"
~
A man was waiting for a bus and discovered another man's
hand in his pocket. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" he
asked the intruder.
"I want a match," the would-be pickpocket said.
"Why don't you ask for it."
"I don't talk to strangers."
~
One afternoon, a well-known umpire got into an argument over
a balk allegedly made by the pitcher. The pitcher's manager
came running out of the dugout to argue. The umpire responded
by throwing his rule book on the ground shouting, "I know the
rules! They're right here in this book!"
"Oh yeah?" cried the manager. "If it's your book it must be
written in braille."
~
A reporter met the actor John Barrymore to interview him for
a newspaper article. To make a good impression before he began
the interview, the reporter said, "I just can't tell you how
much I enjoyed your performance in last night's play."
The actor looked at the reporter and replied, "Then why
doesn't your newspaper send over someone who can?"
~
Rich went to Las Vegas to win a fortune. Unfortunately, he
met with bad luck. As he was driving out of town, disgusted
and forlorn, a voice from above beckons him, "Go back to Las
Vegas."
Figuring this was a message to be taken seriously, Rich
turns around and races back towards Vegas. As he approaches
the famous "strip", the voice from above says, "Go to the
Riviera to gamble."
Rich enters the Riviera casino and the voice says, "Go to
the roulette table. Put all your money on number 16." Without
hesitation, Rich plunks down on the table the remaining $3,000
he had on number 16.
The wheel spins and the ball ends up on number 10. He loses
all his money. The voice from above exclaims, "How about
that!"
~
The elderly couple were vacationing at a romantic hotel in
Florida. While out on the veranda, they noticed a young
couple, locked in embrace and obviously unaware of the older
couple's presence. "Oh, look dear," the wife sighed. "I think
he's about to propose and doesn't even know we're watching.
Don't you think you should whistle to warn him?"
"What for?" the man answered. "No one warned me."
~
A very drunk, very amorous couple were hugging and kissing
in a bar. All of a sudden, for no apparent reason, the man
slid under the table.
"Ma'am," the bartender said to her, "your husband just slid
under the table."
"Under the table my eye," she whispered loudly. "He just
walked in the door."
~
PRISON LIBRARIAN: What are you reading?
PRISONER: Oh, nothing much. Just the usual escape
literature.
~
"All right," the farmer said sternly to his sons. "Which
one of you boys pushed over the outhouse last night?"
"I cannot tell a lie," said twelve-year old Jim Bob. "I
pushed it over."
Whereupon the farmer put the boy over his knee and prepared
to paddle his behind. "But dad," the boy protested, "when
George Washington told the truth about chopping down the cherry
tree, his father didn't punish him."
"I know that," the father replied, "but George's father
wasn't IN the cherry tree at the time."
~
Harriet Butterfield, a very depressed woman and patient of
Dr. William Johnson was vacationing in St. Maarten. She sent
her psychiatrist a postcard.
DOCTOR JOHNSON, HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME. WHY?
~
A man needed an operation, so he went to the finest surgeon
in the country. The operation was a success, and the surgeon
presented his bill--$2,000. "Doctor," the patient said, "I
can't afford that."
"Okay," the physician said testily. "I'll reduce it to
$1,500."
"I can't pay that either," the man replied.
After twenty minutes of haggling, the weary doctor said,
"Okay, okay. Five dollars, and that's my lowest offer. But
could you just tell me one thing? If you knew you had no
money, why did you come to the finest and most expensive
surgeon in the country?"
"Because," the man replied, "when it comes to my health,
money is no object."
~
"What's for dinner?" asked the guest at the health camp.
"Soybeans," the cook answered.
"Soybeans?" the man scoffed. "I detest soybeans."
"But sir," the cook insisted, "soybeans are the food of the
future."
"Oh yeah?" said the guest. "Well, then, let's keep it that
way."
~
A young woman went into a singles bar hoping to find a
companion for the evening. Sure enough, she soon found herself
talking to an attractive young man who agreed to leave with
her. "Just one question," he said to her as they were walking
out the door. "Do you have herpes?"
"No, I don't," she said.
"Good," he said. "I'd sure hate to get THAT again."
~
A guy was coming home from the bowling alley late one night,
and he decided to take a short cut past the garbage dump. A
shiny object caught his eye, and he picked it up. It was an
old lamp, and he was surprised to find a genie who popped out
as soon as he rubbed it. "I will grant you three wishes," the
genie said. "What do you wish for?"
"Gee, I dunno," the man said. After thinking for a few
minutes, he said, "You know what I want? I want a bottle of
beer that no matter how much of it you drink, it's always
full."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie, and he produced
the bottle.
"Hey, this is terrific," said the man, as he took several
hefty chugs from the bottle. "Thanks a lot."
"Remember," the genie said, "you still have two wishes
coming."
"Tell you what," said the man, thinking for a minute.
"Gimme two more of these bottles."
~
An elderly matron who strongly disapproved of betting was
lured out to the track one day. After absentmindedly making
some bets, she found she had won the trifecta, paying some
$1,500. As she stepped to the window to collect her winnings,
she told the clerk sternly, "Now I hope this will be a lesson
to you."
~
"How was your date?" Susie's roommate inquired.
"Oh, we dined royally," Susie said. "Dinner at Burger King,
dessert at Dairy Queen."
~
For years, the party had besieged a reluctant candidate to
give up his career in business and run for governor. Finally,
he agreed to address the party's finance committee. "I want
three million dollars for my campaign," he said.
"But your campaign won't cost anywhere near that much,"
protested the chairman.
"I know," said the candidate, "but in case I lose, I want to
be able to live comfortably."
~
A homeowner called a plumber to fix a leaky faucet. The
plumber arrived and fixed the leak in about five minutes. When
the plumber said the bill was fifty dollars, the woman was
outraged.
"Good grief," she said. "We only pay our doctor twenty-five
dollars for a house call. And he usually spends fifteen or
twenty minutes here."
"Yes," said the plumber," I know. That was what I used to
get when I was a doctor."
~
My parents were so poor, they couldn't afford to have
children. So a neighbor had me.
~
The intern on duty at the hospital answered a phone call
late one evening from a woman who was very upset. "Doctor,
doctor," she exclaimed. "My three-year-old just ate an entire
tube of contraceptive jelly. What should I do?"
"Well," said the young doctor, "if it's really an emergency
you can have one of the all-night drug stores deliver another
tube."
~
"How is it you extracted the watch from the man's pocket
without him knowing it?" the judge asked.
"My fee is ten dollars for five lessons, Your Honor," the
defendant replied.
~
A very heavy man went to see his doctor. The doctor lec-
tured him on the evils of fat and prescribed a strict diet and
said, "In a couple of months I want to see three-fourths of you
back here for a check-up."
~
It was election day in Moscow. A voter was handed a ballot
as he walked in. "Drop it in the box," he was instructed.
"But can't I even look to see who I'm voting for?" the voter
asked.
"What's the matter," the election official said, "you don't
believe in the secret ballot?"
~
You hear about the sexually frustrated man who robbed the
electrical supply store? He needed an outlet.
~
A golfer had been playing the same course for twenty years.
One hole in particular had plagued him all that time, a thin
strip of green with water on both sides. He had never played
that hole without hitting his ball into the water. One day, he
just decided. He was quitting golf. And he would never be
frustrated by that hole again.
But when he woke up the next morning, he heard a voice say,
"Play the hole. Today's the day."
He figured it was worth one more shot, but not totally
convinced, he packed his old, beat up ball instead of the new
one.
"Take the new ball," the voice commanded.
With renewed hope, he packed the new ball and left for the
course. Placing the new ball on the tee, he was ready to
swing. "Take a practice swing," said the voice.
He stepped back, took a practice swing and began to approach
the ball, when the voice from above said, "Put back the old
ball."
~
The desperate patient telephoned the doctor's office for an
appointment. "The next available appointment is in two weeks,"
the nurse told him.
"In two weeks I could be dead!" the patient protested.
"Well in that case," the nurse answered, "you can cancel the
appointment."
~
A visitor to a small town noticed a dog sitting on a man's
lawn. "Does your dog bite?" he asked the man.
"Nope," the man replied.
But when the stranger stooped to pet the dog, he almost got
his hand bitten off. "What's the idea?" the stranger demanded.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite."
"That's not my dog," the man said.
~
A man we know was told by his doctor to quit smoking, so he
joined a group called "Smokers Anonymous." Now, anytime he has
the urge to smoke a cigarette, he calls up one of the Smoker's
Anonymous members and they get drunk together.
~
"How's your brother doing? Wasn't he trying for that
government job?"
"Oh, he isn't doing a thing."
"You mean he got the job after all?"
~
Mrs. Schwartz stopped into the local delicatessen for a
corned beef sandwich. While waiting to order, she noticed the
waiter furiously scratching his behind.
"You got hemorrhoids?" she asked.
"Only what's on the menu, lady," was the reply, "only what's
on the menu."
~
There was a very large turnout for the funeral of William
Cunningham, an extremely wealthy industrialist, known for his
generous ways. As the funeral was ending, a woman noticed a
man sitting in the back and sobbing louder than anyone else.
"Were you a friend of Mr. Cunningham?" asked the woman.
The man stop sobbing momentarily to reply, "No, ma'am."
"Well, were you a relative then?"
"Unfortunately not," moaned the man.
"You were employed by one of Mr. Cunningham's firms I'll
bet," the woman asked.
"No, no, no," cried the man.
"Tell me then sir," she asked inquisitively, "why you are so
upset. It seems as if you never knew Mr. Cunningham."
"That's precisely why."
~
Sarah had recently met the man of her dreams. He was
intelligent, charming, witty, and had all the virtues she ever
wanted in a companion. During dinner, Sarah constantly show-
ered compliments on him which he humbly accepted. As they were
leaving the restaurant, Sarah suggested that they have a night-
cap at his apartment.
When they arrived at his apartment building, Sarah was
impressed at what she saw. His building was elegant. The
marble and glass exterior made it look like a palace. As they
were riding the elevator up to the thirtieth floor, she started
to imagine what his apartment might look like.
However, when he opened his apartment door, there was a dead
horse lying in the middle of the room. Realizing that Sarah
was quite shocked at the sight, he replied, "Well, I never
claimed to be neat!"
~
The two mathematicians stood in front of the enormous compu-
ter, awaiting a read-out. As one of them read the print-out,
he began to frown. "Do you realize," he told his colleague,
"that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a
hundred and fifty years to make a mistake this big?"
~
Bob always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how
horrible the circumstances, he would always reply, "It could
have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to
invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even
Bob could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one
of them said, "Bill, did you hear about Tom? He came home last
night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both,
then turned the gun on himself."
"That's awful," said Bill, "but it could have been worse."
"How in hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it possi-
bly have been worse?"
"Well," said Bill, "If it had happened the night before, I'd
be dead now."
~
My brother got the electric chair. Every year we commemo-
rate the event by putting a wreath on the fuse box.
~
A Soviet worker was being quizzed to see how much he had
learned in the class being taught on Marxist theory. "What is
the difference between capitalism and communism?" he was asked.
"Under capitalism," the worker replied, "man exploits man.
Under communism, it's the other way around."
~
The physician's wife confided to the maid, "I think my
husband is having an affair with his receptionist."
"I don't believe you," said the maid. "You're just saying
that to make me jealous."
~
Did you hear that now even the farmers have formed a union?
It's called the E.I.E.I.O.
~
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life--as long
as I don't buy anything.
~
In a small Texas town, the town prostitute approached the
local minister seeking to make amends. "I want to change my
ways," she announced. "So I would like to donate all my money
to build that new church school you've been talking about."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," the minister said piously, "but I cannot
accept your offer."
The prostitute left, and one of the church elders, who had
been listening to the conversation, said, "See here, Reverend,
why didn't you take her offer?"
"Her money," the Reverend said, "is tainted money."
"What do you mean her money, you fool," the elder said.
"That's OUR money!"
~
Mr. Goldfarb decides that it's time to teach his son about
the fur business. So he beckons the young man to accompany him
to Manhattan, where they will buy some furs from Moskowitz.
The transaction takes hours, and is spent with Goldfarb getting
Moskowitz to reduce the price, nickel by nickel.
On the subway ride home, the son turns to Goldfarb and says,
"You know pop, something puzzles me. You know as well as I do
that you can't afford to pay a cent for those furs. Why did
you spend all that time lowering the price?"
"Moskowitz is a good friend of mine," Goldfarb explained,
"so I want that he should lose as little money as possible from
the deal."
~
During World War II, when most professional baseball players
were in the military service, a horse showed up at the Cleve-
land Indians training camp. "Think you can use a .350 hitter?"
he asked.
The manager was taken aback, but decided to give the horse a
chance. Sure enough, he hit several balls into the seats, and
everything else he hit was a line drive. "Okay," the manager
said. "Grab a glove and get out in the field."
To his surprise, the horse played a flawless second base.
"That's simply amazing," the manager said, shaking his head.
"All right, let's see you run the bases."
"Run?" the horse snorted. "If I could run I wouldn't be
here. I'd be in the Kentucky Derby."
~
A man was being treated by a psychiatrist for depression.
After twenty years of treatment, the man called the psychia-
trist on the phone. "Doctor," he announced, "I'm cured."
"You're cured?" the psychiatrist said. "How do you figure
you're cured?"
"Well," the man said, "I decided three weeks ago that I
would start feeling great. And it's worked. I feel great!"
"Hah," the doctor scoffed, "you're deluding yourself. You
don't feel great. You just THINK you feel great."
~
A man called the fire department and exclaimed, "Come
quickly! My house is burning down!"
"Have you tried throwing water on the blaze," the fireman
asked.
"Yes, but it didn't do any good."
"Well," the fireman yawned, "I guess there's no use in us
coming over. That's all we'd do."
~
The phys-ed teacher was lecturing his high school class
about venereal disease.
"Tell me," one student asked, "can you catch V.D. in the
lavatory?"
"It's possible," replied the teacher, "but it's a hell of a
place to take a girl."
~
The locker room attendant was not noted for his intelli-
gence. Nevertheless, he was diligent in the pursuit of his
job--inspecting towels for holes and rust spots. One time, a
freshman brought in a towel. "Turn it over," the attendant
commanded.
"What for?" the freshman asked.
"Don't give me no what for," snapped the attendant. "I just
want to make sure there are no holes on the other side."
~
"Julia," moaned Mr. Farnsworth, "As you know I am going to
die."
"Oh darling, please don't say things like that," cried Mrs.
Farnsworth.
"It's no use. I won't be with you long. But I want you to
know that you will live comfortably in my absence. My estate
is worth over $500,000."
"Joseph, really. Do you think I care about how much money
you have? Life will have no meaning for me when you're gone.
You're all I want in this world." Mrs. Farnsworth dried her
eyes and said, "By the way, does that figure include our house
in California?"
~
The retired couple decided they needed a little adventure in
their lives, so they splurged and bought a waterbed. "Has it
spiced up your sex life?" a friend asked the wife.
"Let's put it this way," she replied. "I call it 'the Dead
Sea.'"
~
A cowboy raced into the saloon fuming. "All right, who's
the wise guy that painted my horse green. Show your face you
weasel!"
From the back of the bar, a huge seven foot, three hundred
pound man stands up and places his hand on his holster and
says, "I was the one who painted your horse. You want to say
something to me sir."
The cowboy's anger suddenly turned to fear as he replied,
"Yes, sir. I thought you'd like to know that the first coat is
dry."
~
Former President Harry Truman was deer hunting with some
friends one fall, but they didn't even see a deer let alone
shoot one. On the second day, however, one of his partners
made a discovery. "Hey, Harry," he called, pointing to some
round droppings on the ground. "Looks like the buck stopped
here."
~
"But George, this isn't our baby."
"Shut up. It's a nicer stroller."
~
A tenderfoot went to buy a horse from a rancher. "Now this
is an unusual horse," the rancher began. "You see, it was
owned by this reverend. So if you want the horse to go, you
have to say 'Good Lord,' and if you want him to stop you have
to say 'Amen.'"
The tenderfoot decided to give the horse a try, so he
mounted and said, "Good Lord." The horse took off toward the
mountains. The horse was so spunky that the rider forgot the
instructions. Each time he yelled "Good Lord" in fear, the
horse went even faster. Just as they came to the edge of a
cliff, the hapless rider remembered how to stop the horse.
"AMEN!" he shouted. And the horse stopped inches from the
cliff. The man wiped his brow in relief, sighed at his near
disaster and said, "Good Lord."
~
Two ominous looking men walked into Schwartz's candy store.
"I'd like to talk to the owner," one of the men said.
"You're talking to him," Schwartz said.
"We'd like to sell you an insurance policy," one of the men
said.
"I already have insurance."
"But this is a different kind of insurance--"
"Look," Schwartz said impatiently, "I told you I'm not
interested."
"Are you sure you're not interested?" the other man
inquired.
"I'm sure."
Whereupon, the two men began smashing the candy store to
smithereens. When half of the place was destroyed, the first
man said, "Now are you interested in insurance."
"Well, sure," Mr. Schwartz answered, "now that you've
explained the policy."
~
A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face
to face with a ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for
certain, he kneeled down and said his prayers. To his aston-
ishment, the lion too kneeled quietly. "This is a miracle!"
the missionary shouted.
"Quiet!" Said the lion. "I'm saying grace."
~
JIMMY: What happens when an auto is too old to run?
BOBBY: Someone sells it to my father.
~
The financier had just finished lunch at a Palm Springs
eatery. He left a modest tip and was preparing to leave, when
the waiter said, "You know, sir, your daughter always leaves a
larger tip than that."
"That all right for her," the financier growled. "She's got
a rich father."
~
A driver passing a small lake noticed a young child strug-
gling in the water. He quickly pulled his car over and helped
the young boy from the lake. Noticing that the boy was fully
clothed, he asked, "How did you come to fall in?"
The boy, obviously cold and weary, looked sternly at the man
and replied, "I didn't come to fall in. I came to fish."
~
A judge was screening prospective jurors for a murder trial.
"Have you formed any opinion regarding the guilt or innocence
of the accused?" he asked Juror #1.
"No, Your Honor."
"And do you have any objections to imposing the death penal-
ty if the accused is found guilty?"
"Not in this case," replied the juror.
~
The elderly woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as
she put some coins into the beggar's cup. He gallantly stooped
to pick it up.
"Why you're not blind!" she exclaimed.
"No," he said, "I'm working for my brother. It's his day
off."
~
I wish people would make up their minds. Every time I ask
what time it is, I get a different answer.
~
Years ago, when he was managing the last-place New York
Mets, Casey Stengel was approached by an excited scout.
"Listen, I just saw a guy who struck out 27 batters. No one
even hit the ball until there was two out in the ninth, and he
only hit a foul. Should I sign him up?"
"Forget about the pitcher," Casey replied. "Get the guy who
hit the foul. We need hitters."
~
Man with a gun to theater ticket taker: "I didn't like that
movie. Give me everybody's money back."
~
A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find sitting
in the two adjacent seats a man with his arm around a sheep
dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the
picture with apparent understanding, snarling when the villain
appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of
the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't
get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said.
"It surprises me too," the man answered. "He absolutely
despised the book."
~
The man at the bar casually leaned over and asked a woman
passing by, "Excuse me, Miss, do you have the time?"
"What?" she said loudly. "How dare you make such a proposi-
tion to me!"
Noticing that every eye in the place turned toward him, the
man mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss."
"I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" she
shrieked, even louder this time.
Mortally embarrassed, the man slunk off to a corner of the
bar. A few minutes later, the young woman approached him with
an apology. "You'll have to excuse me," she said. "I'm
writing a doctoral thesis on the response of human beings to
sudden shocking statements."
The man looked at her curiously, then said in his loudest
voice, "YOU MEAN YOU'LL DO ALL THAT ALL NIGHT FOR JUST THREE
DOLLARS?"
~
CUSTOMER: How much is a haircut?
BARBER: A dollar fifty.
CUSTOMER: How much is a shave?
BARBER: Sixty cents.
CUSTOMER: In that case, shave my hair off.
~
Two business partners, Sammy and Abe, were inseparable.
One evening, they made a vow. Whichever one of them died first
would try to contact the other from the spirit world. Not long
after that, Sammy died. Abe was despondent, but he decided to
start attending seances in the hopes of talking to his beloved
partner. For months, he had no luck. Then, it happened. He
was at a seance when he heard his name called, "Abe?"
"Sammy," he said excitedly. "Sammy, is that you?"
"Yes, Abe," the far-off voice said, "it's me."
"Sammy, where are you?" Abe asked. "What are you doing?"
"Well," the voice began, "I get up, have something to eat,
make love all morning long. Then, it's lunch time, so I have
another bite, then I make love most of the afternoon, take a
nap, and it's time to eat again. I make love long into the
night, and then I fall into a peaceful sleep."
"Sammy!" Abe cried excitedly, "You must be in heaven!"
"Heaven?" the voice sighed. "I'm a bull in Colorado."
~
My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she
washes it immediately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the
floor, she has it picked up before it even drops. The other
night, I got up a three a.m. to get a glass of juice. I came
back, and the bed already had been made.
~
The sign in front of a New Hampshire church proclaimed, "If
you're tired of sin, come in."
Underneath it, someone had scrawled in lipstick, "If you're
not, call Marie at 624-8971."
~
Two young women were watching a TV show on the French Revo-
lution. "There's one thing that puzzles me," one of the women
said. "If they were so poor, how could they afford all of that
antique furniture?"
~
Two men were camping when suddenly a ferocious bear ap-
peared. They began running as fast as they could with the
hungry bear in hot pursuit. "It's no use," said one, panting.
"We'll never be able to outrun the bear."
"So who's trying to outrun the bear?" the other asked.
~
The circus leader was upset at the thought that his human
cannonball act would have to be scrapped. It seems the aging
performer was losing his nerve in the act. He came to the boss
and said, "I don't think I am up to being shot out of a cannon
twice a day any more."
"But you can't leave me," his boss replied. "Where will I
ever find another man of your caliber?"
~
A man had to take a psychological test for a job he was
applying for. The psychologist drew a circle and asked, "What
does this remind you of?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "Sex."
The psychologist drew a triangle and asked the same ques-
tion. Again the applicant answered, "Sex."
"And what about this?" asked the psychologist, drawing a
square.
"Sex," was the man's answer.
"Well," the psychologist said to him, "you certainly seem to
be obsessed with sex."
"What do you mean I'M obsessed with sex?" the man exclaimed.
"You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
~
The deli owner was being robbed. "Gimme all your money!"
the thug demanded.
"For here or to go?" the deli man asked.
~
"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer,"
quoted the professor.
"Maybe that's why we all flunked your last test," came an
anonymous retort from the lecture hall.
~
It was the first day of boot camp, and the drill sergeant
was testing the new recruits. "All right," the sergeant called
out, "today's Army demands more than just muscle. Brains are
becoming increasing important in warfare. Suppose you were
facing the enemy and you ran out of bullets. What would you
do, gentleman?"
A young recruit's hand shot up immediately.
"Good. Tell everybody what you should do."
"Keep on shooting and fool them!"
~
Two tourists, a Pole and Czechoslovakian, were visiting
Yellowstone National Park. Their first night, two huge bears
wandered into their campsite and ate the two hapless tourists.
The park rangers set out immediately to find these killer
bears. Finally, they cornered two bears, a male and a female,
which they thought might have been responsible. "What do you
think we ought to do with them?" asked the first ranger.
"Well," the second ranger replied, "I figure we should cut
the bears open. If we find the people inside, we know we've
got our killer bears."
Whereupon, the first ranger began to cut the female bear,
and sure enough he found the remains of the Pole. "Any luck?"
he called out to his partner.
"Yep," said the other. "The Czech is in the male."
~
Business was bad, and the clothing store owner was out on
the street trying to drum up business. "You sir," he said to a
prosperous looking man, "Surely you could use a new suit."
"Don't be silly," the man replied. "I have thirty-two suits
at home."
"In that case," said the store owner, "bring them in and
I'll make you my partner."
~
Menachim Begin and Jimmy Carter were discussing the balance
of trade issue and decided to make a trade. "But what does a
small country like mine have to offer a rich and powerful
country like yours?" Begin asked.
"Well, for one thing," Carter replied, "your generals. In
fact, I'd be willing to trade two of our generals for one of
yours?"
"That suits me," said Begin. "Which general would you
like?"
"Gen. Moshe Dayan," Carter said. "How about you?"
"I'll take General Motors and General Electric," Begin
replied.
~
"How are things going, Charlie?" asked his friend.
"Not so good. My brother is very ill and in the hospital."
"Your brother is fine," his friend replies. "I just
finished an internship with a famous healer and I realize now
that all illness is mental. Your brother just thinks he is
sick."
A few weeks past and Charlie and the faith healer met up
again. "So how's your brother doing?" the spiritualist
asked.
"Much worse," Charlie moans, "he thinks he's dead."
~
The navy commander was addressing the troops on board.
"Men, before we leave shore, I want you all to understand the
fundamental principal to which I am deeply committed. This
ship is not MY ship, it is not the OFFICERS' ship. It is not
YOUR ship either men. The U.S.S. Nimitz is OUR ship."
"Great," shouted a voice from the rear, "Let's sell it."
~
Ma and Pa were driving their pick-up back from market when
Ma said, "Pa, remember how years ago we used to snuggle up
close whenever we were driving?"
"Well," Pa said, "I ain't moved."
~
Overheard at the bar: "I make it a point never to drink
anything stronger than pop. Of course, pop used to drink only
whiskey."
~
"I'm thinking about moving to California," Joe said, "but
I'd like to go into a business that won't be affected by any
earthquake."
"That's easy," Marty said. "You should open a stationery
store."
~
A fellow from the South was returning from a two week camp-
ing trip in New England. The gentleman seated next to him on
the plane was a native of Vermont. The two began discussing
the rewards of being in the great outdoors.
"So did you enjoy the wonderful scent of the pine forests?"
asked the New Englander.
"Oh yes!" replied the southerner. "And the lakes are so
beautiful. I couldn't resist fishing a bit -- even though the
fishing season hadn't opened yet. And you know, I've got a
hundred pounds of the most incredible rock bass you ever saw
packed in ice in the baggage compartment. So tell me, who are
you and what do you do?"
"I'm John Andrews, the state game warden. Who are you?" he
said.
"Oh, me?" said the southerner, "I'm the biggest damned liar
in the country!"
~
The teacher had asked her fourth grade class to pick the
nine greatest Americans. All the children had handed in their
papers except for Tommy, who was still puzzling over it.
"Are you having trouble?" she asked.
"It's all done," he replied, "only I still need a first
baseman."
~
An attorney and a priest both died at the same time, and
both went up to heaven. When they arrived, there was a huge
fanfare for the attorney, complete with marching bands,
speeches, ticker tape and a key to heaven. In the commotion,
the all-but-forgotten priest was nearly trampled.
When the hullabaloo was over, the priest said to St. Peter,
"I have served God all my life and dedicated myself to the
salvation of mankind, yet you completely ignored me and gave a
great welcome to some attorney."
St. Peter replied, "We've got thousands of priests up here.
But this was our very first attorney."
~
A woman visited a psychiatrist. "It's about my husband,"
she said. "He thinks he's a refrigerator."
"Well, that's not too bad," the psychiatrist told her. "At
least it's harmless."
"Maybe so," the lady told him, "but he sleeps with his mouth
open and the light keeps me awake."
~
The entire family had gathered for the Thanksgiving feast,
and all eagerly awaited the meal as the smells wafted from the
kitchen. Finally, grandma carried the huge turkey into the
dining room, but as she did so, she tripped on the carpet and
the turkey rolled end over end off the platter and onto the
floor. Everyone was too stunned to speak. Everyone but grand-
pa. "Louise," he said. "Why don't you bring that turkey back
into the kitchen and bring out the OTHER ONE."
~
Two boys were bragging about their fathers. "My dad is in
charge of an office where there are 25 people working."
"That's nothing," scoffed the other. "My dad has five
hundred people under him."
"Really? What does he do?"
"He mows the lawn at the cemetery."
~
The captain of a cruise ship called one of the passengers
into his cabin. "I understand you are a magician," he said.
"That's right," the passenger replied.
"Well, I desperately need your help," the captain said.
"You see, our rudder is broken and we are headed for an ice-
berg. Rescue ships are on the way, but it is important that
the passengers do not panic. I want you to put on a magic
show. In the event we are about to hit the iceberg, I will
signal you. You will then announce that for your finale, you
will crash the ship into an iceberg. By diverting attention
that way, no one will panic, and we'll all be saved."
The magician agreed, and launched into his act. For nearly
an hour, he kept the passengers transfixed with puzzling tricks
of every kind. Finally, on signal, he announced, "Ladies and
gentlemen, I will now cause this ship to hit an iceberg."
And with a resounding crash, the act came to an end.
Because no one panicked, all of the passengers were safely
\
evacuated onto lifeboats. On one of the lifeboats, an elderly
passenger found himself standing next to the magician. "Say,"
he said, "aren't you the magician whose final trick was to make
the ship hit an iceberg?"
"Yes," the magician replied, "I am."
"So tell me," the elderly man admonished, "what was so smart
about that?"
~
"Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts."
"Shut up and eat what's put in front of you."
~
The psychiatrist looked at the asylum patient and said,
"I've got some good news for you. After a thorough examina-
tion, I have decided you are cured."
"That's terrible," the patient replied. "Two years ago,
when I got here, I was Napoleon. Today, I'm a nobody!"
~
A man was being blindfolded as he stood before the firing
squad. "Cigarette?" one of the guards offered.
"No thanks," the prisoner said, "I'm trying to quit."
~
A man was going through a sportscoat he hadn't worn in
twenty years when he discovered an old shoe repair ticket. On
a whim, he decided to pay the shoemaker a visit on the off
chance that he still had the shoes.
"Yep," the shoemaker said. "I got 'em."
"Great," said the man. "Can you get them for me?"
"I'm sorry," said the shoemaker, "they won't be ready until
Tuesday."
~
An elderly couple went to a doctor and said, "Doctor we
would like to know if we are making love properly. Will you
watch us, please?"
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, replied, "Go ahead," so they
did. After observing them, the doctor said, "You're making
love perfectly. That will be twenty dollars." They came back
four weeks in a row and did the same thing.
On the fifth visit the doctor said, "Why do you keep on com-
ing back? I told you you're making love properly."
The old man explained, "She can't come to my house, I can't
go to her house. You charge us twenty dollars, the motel would
cost us forty dollars and this way we get sixteen dollars back
from Medicare."
~
A man was stranded on a desert island for a week. When he
was rescued he looked none the worse for the experience. "How
did you survive?" he was asked.
"Luckily," the man said, "I had an insurance policy in my
jacket pocket, and it had enough provisions to last me a week."
~
A western supposedly taking place during the 1800's was
being filmed in a small Nevada town. It seemed that each time
a scene was shot, it had to be re-shot because of a plane
flying overhead, a car going by, or some such disturbance that
would spoil the mood.
"Hey," cried a tourist who had been watching the proceed-
ings, "why in the heck are you shooting the same scene over and
over?"
"Sir," said the director politely, "have you ever stopped to
think how many movie theaters there are in this country?"
~
A retailer was waiting for an order to come in from overseas
which must have been mistakenly put on a slow boat to China.
His customers were getting restless, and he was despondent.
"When do you expect them?" a sympathetic friend asked.
"Every day," was the reply.
~
One day two golfers were playing on a course situated along
a highway. On the tenth green, they noticed a funeral proces-
sion traveling toward them. As the procession approached, one
golfer, who was in full swing, stopped, removed his hat and
held it next to his heart. His partner, who was very impressed
by this action, remarked, "Gee, George, that was really re-
spectful. You're quite a gentleman! "
George replied, "Oh, not really. She was a great wife for
thirty years."
~
Joe Frisco, the stuttering comedian, was being interviewed
by a reporter. "Have you stuttered all your life?" the
reporter asked.
"N-n-not yet," was Joe's reply.
~
The psychiatrist was sitting at the bar, despondent. A
fellow psychiatrist happened over and said, "George, what's
bothering you?"
George looked up from his drink and said, "You remember that
rich nut I've been treating for twenty years, the one who's
been my bread and butter from the start?"
"You mean the one who dreams every night that he's still in
high school?"
"Yes," George sighed. "Yesterday he graduated."
~
A few years back there was a brewery workers strike in the
Chicago area. The strike continued for several weeks causing a
temporary beer shortage. All the bars and stores had to go on
a quota system. One bar owner was very upset by the situation.
He called the brewery and pleaded that he needed more beer
urgently. The man at the brewery explained, "I'm sorry, but
since you've already had your quota for the week, there's
nothing I can do."
"I know I've already had mine," responded the bar owner.
"But what about my customers?"
~
Young Nero's mother watched with some pain as her son strug-
gled to learn the violin. "As a violinist," she sighed to a
neighbor, "he won't set the world on fire."
~
Father Kowalski and Monsignor O'Reilly were having their
weekly golf match. "Damn it, missed again!" Father Kowalski
shouted, as he missed an easy putt.
"Father!" the Monsignor said sternly. "That is no language
to be using! You are a man of God."
Father Kowalski apologized profusely, but on the very next
shot he again shouted, "Damn it, missed again!"
Again the Monsignor expressed shock and disappointment, and
again the priest promised. But sure enough, the same thing
happened another time. This time, Father Kowalski was beside
himself with remorse. "Monsignor," he pledged, "may God strike
me down if I take His name in vain one more time."
But sure enough, on the next shot the priest forgot himself.
A bolt of lightning came down from the sky and hit the Monsi-
gnor. And from the heavens, came a thundering voice, "Damn it,
missed again!"
~
It's hard to find a doctor as honest as the one we heard
about recently. On the death certificate, under "cause of
death," he signed his name.
~
MRS. RITZ: I just paid $1,000 for a standard poodle.
MRS. FORBES: For that kind of money, you should have
gotten an automatic.
~
A captain, stationed in Europe, had just received a postcard
from his fiancee showing several couples enjoying themselves on
the beach while his fiancee was lying on the sand looking lone-
ly and forlorn. The enclosed letter explained to him how she
was counting the days until his return.
The captain proudly displayed the picture to all his buddies
showing them how much his fiancee really missed him. Later
that night, he was showing it to another friend. "You know
Tom," he said, "I'm beginning to wonder who took that picture."
~
Is that an expensive restaurant? Let's put it this way. If
you find a pearl in the oyster, you break even.
~
Senator Theodore Green, who served in the Senate past his
ninety-third birthday, was once asked how it felt to be that
old. "It feels great," he replied, "considering the
alternative."
~
The sky diver was a bit perturbed. It seems his parachute
said, "Opens on impact."
~
A summer resident in a tiny Maine town approached an old-
timer who was sunning himself in front of the general store.
"Excuse me," the visitor asked, "do you live here?"
"Have all my life," the old-timer said.
"Well, I'm looking for a criminal lawyer," the out-of-towner
continued. "Do you have any here?"
"Well," said the elderly gent, "we're pretty sure we have,
but we can't prove it."
~
You have to be careful when you purchase insurance. A
fellow we know bought a group health policy a number of years
ago. For twenty years, he paid his premium faithfully and
never got sick. Finally, he needed a minor operation and
figured, "At last, I'll be able to collect." Turned out he
couldn't. According to this particular group policy, the whole
group had to get sick.
~
The prosecutor had the beautiful blonde on the witness
stand. "Now I want you to tell the court just where you were
on the night of August 15th."
"I'll tell you," she replied, "if the judge agrees to tell
where he was the same night."
"What on earth does the judge's whereabouts have to do with
the case?" the prosecutor asked.
"Oh, nothing," the young woman smiled. "But I like to hear
juicy gossip as much as you do."
~
The Irishman awoke in a cold sweat. "What's the matter?"
his wife asked.
"I had a terrible dream," he answered. "I dreamed that the
Blarney Stone had herpes."
~
Two psychiatrists shared the same office building for
twenty-five years. When their workday was done, Dr. Smith
inevitably looked like a beaten man. His hair was disheveled,
his eyes were bloodshot, his forehead creased. Dr. Jones, on
the other hand, always finished a day's work looking like he'd
spent the day at the Bahamas.
For twenty-five years, Smith wanted to know Jones's secret,
but he would never dare ask. Finally, after one particularly
exhausting day, Smith called to Jones as the two were leaving
the building. "Dr. Jones," he said. "There is something that
has always puzzled me. A day of being with patients always
leaves me exhausted. And you? You always look like a new man.
Tell me, how can you possibly spend all day listening to your
patients' problems, complaining, neuroses and still end up
looking totally refreshed?"
"So who listens?" was Jones's reply.
~
The Texas A&M football player got his test paper back with a
big "0" on it. He felt the grade was unfair, so he said to the
instructor, "I really don't think I deserve a zero."
"I don't either," said the instructor, "but it's the lowest
grade I'm permitted to give."
~
The insurance man was fruitlessly trying to convince a woman
to buy life insurance. "How do you expect your husband to
carry on when you die?" the salesperson asked.
"That's no concern to me," the woman replied. "Just as long
as he behaves himself while I'm alive."
~
A young aggressive man with a knack for selling went into a
men's clothing store and told the manager he wanted a job. "I
don't need any salesmen," said the manager.
"Oh, but I'm not just any salesman," said the young man.
"I'm the world's greatest salesman. You've got to hire me."
Again the manager refused, but the man was so insistent and
persuasive that he said, "Okay, I'll tell you what. See that
suit over there on the rack? It's sort of turquoise and mauve
plaid with padded shoulders, has pointed lapels and a belt in
the back. I don't know how I ever got stuck with it. Now I'm
going to lunch. You mind the store while I am gone. If, when
I come back, the suit is gone, you've got the job."
In an hour the manager returned. The store was in total dis-
array. Clothing racks were turned over, carpeting was ripped,
and glass was everywhere. But the suit was gone.
"I see you've sold the suit."
"Yep, sure."
\
"It looks as if you had a difficult time with the customer,
though."
"Nope. No trouble at all with the customer. But, oh, that
seeing eye dog!"
~
Mother was reminiscing about her courting days with father.
"The first time your father and I went out, I had to slap his
face three times."
"You mean he got fresh, mom?"
"No. I thought he was dead."
~
Sally had brought home several of her girlfriends from
college for the weekend. They started to discuss behavior
and its relationship to environment when the conversation
turned into an argument. Sally's grandmother came into the
kitchen. "Girls, girls, don't worry your little heads over
such trivial matters."
"But Grandma," Sally argued, "behaviorism is a very complex
and serious subject."
"What are you talking about my child. In the old country we
use to say that if the baby looks like the father, its heredi-
tary. But, if the little one looks like the neighbor, then
that's environment."
~
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office. "Doctor, you've
got to help me. But first tell me how much do you charge?"
"One hundred dollars an hour," the psychiatrist replied.
"Forget it," sounded the man, "I'm not that crazy!"
~
The overweight fellow was confiding to his buddy. "Two
years ago, I gave up sugar and switched to artificial sweet-
ener. Now look at me. Artificially fat."
~
The robbery victim pleaded with the thug, "Don't take my
watch. It's only value is sentimental."
"I'm sentimental," said the crook.
~
A man was arrested for selling money on the street. He was
selling ten dollar bills for eight dollars, twenties for fif-
teen. When the police arrived and confiscated the money, they
were surprised to find that it was not counterfeit. Puzzled,
the police lieutenant questioned the man. "How can you make a
living selling ten dollar bills for eight bucks?" he demanded.
"Well sure you lose a bit on each transaction," the man
said, "but you sure make up for it in volume."
~
A couple was sitting reading the Sunday papers. "Dear," the
wife said, "Do you realize it took seven years to paint the
Sistine Chapel?"
"Hah," the husband answered, "they must have used the same
contractor we did."
~
WIFE: How come you don't play golf with Charlie anymore?
HUSBAND: Would YOU play with someone who moves the ball
and changes his score when no one is looking?
WIFE: Certainly not!
HUSBAND: Well, neither would Charlie.
~
A cannibal visited the local butcher store looking for
dinner. He saw a sign that said "Accountant's Brains, $5 a
pound." Another sign said, "Lawyer's Brains, $150 a pound."
"Say," the cannibal asked the butcher, "why are lawyer's
brains so expensive?"
"Are you kidding?" the butcher shot back. "Do you realize
how many lawyers we have to kill to get a pound of brains?"
~
Tax season was over and Wendy's firm gave her two weeks for
her honeymoon. When she and her new husband entered the eleva-
tor at their hotel, a man walked off and said, "Hello darling.
Nice to see you."
The next several minutes neither one spoke a word. As they
entered the room, her husband broke the silence. "Who was that
man?" he demanded.
"Now take it easy," Wendy replied, "I'm going to have a hard
enough time explaining you to him."
~
Goldstein and Shapiro were in a delicatessen drinking tea.
"Life," Shapiro sighed, "is like a cup of tea."
"Life is like a cup of tea?" Goldstein said. "What makes
life like a cup of tea?"
"How should I know?" Shapiro replied. "Am I a philosopher?"
~
The sportswriter had recently been made music critic. For
his first review, he filed the following report: "The Blank
String Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost."
~
At a New York dental clinic (where their motto is, "Nothing
Dentured, Nothing Gained") a denture patient came in com-
plaining that her dentures didn't fit. So the dentists very
carefully re-cast and refit the false teeth. "There," he said,
placing them in her mouth. "How do they fit now?"
"You don't understand," she said. "I meant they didn't fit
in the glass."
~
A beggar approached a businessman on the street. "Sir, will
you give me a quarter for a sandwich?"
The businessman put down his Wall Street Journal and said,
"Maybe, let me see the sandwich first."
~
Two old men, Hector and Smitty, were sitting at a bar.
Hector moans, "I wish I were dead."
To which Smitty replies, "If only I felt that good."
~
The nightclub comic was being harassed by a heckler all
night. Finally, in exasperation the comic shouted out, "When
your I.Q. reaches 28, sell!"
~
A salesman was bemoaning his assignment to a remote terri-
tory. "Now, now," his supervisor was saying, "that place isn't
the end of the world."
"Maybe not," the salesman said, "but you can just about see
it from there."
~
A Russian man got a letter from his American cousin. It
seemed that the American had been having some financial prob-
lems, so he decided to demonstrate in Washington, D.C. He
planted himself in front of the White House and began eating
hay. Reagan was horrified at the sight, and made sure that
the man was given a lucrative job back home. Inspired, the
Russian decided to try the same thing in Moscow. He was
chewing on some hay in Red Square when Gorbachev approached him
and asked what he was doing. The man replied that he was so
poor, he had nothing to eat except hay.
"Don't be a fool," Gorbachev replied. "You should eat grass
now and save the hay for winter."
~
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat
grinder and got a little behind in his work?
~
Groucho Marx was asked to attend a seance by one of his
friends. Reluctantly he agreed, and he sat through the entire
proceedings as the spiritualist called up one dead soul after
another, and answered questions posed by the paying guests.
After a long silence, the woman, seemingly exhausted from the
evening's mysticism, spoke in a high thin voice. "I am getting
very tired. But there is still enough left in me for one more
question."
To which Groucho quickly replied, "What's the capital of
North Dakota?"
 
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