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Many more assorted jokes
Don't eat yellow snow!
Q. How do you pick out a paranoid woman?????
A. The one putting a condom on her vibrator.
When Harry came home from work early and found his wife lying nude and the
bed in complete disarray, he went nuts. Convinced she'd been fooling around,
he went frantically thru the house searching for his rival. There was nobody
upstairs, but as he came running downstairs he noticed a man in a bathrobe
passing by the kitchen window. Beside himself with rage, he ripped the
refirgerator off the wall, and threw it thru the window, and crushed the man
to death.
"You idiot"! screamed his wife, "That was our next-door neighboor."
Harry was so striken with regret that he hanged himself, and then found
himself standing, with 2 other men, in front of St. Peter.
"How did you die?" St. Peter asked one of them.
"I was running to the store to get some milk for the kid before it closed,"
he explained, "when a refirgerator came from out of nowhere and flattened me."
"What about you?", St. Peter Turned to Harry.
"I'm afraid I'm the guy who killed him, said Harry remorsefully, and told
of his suicide.
"And how did you die?", St. Peter asked the 3rd guy.
"Well...I was minding my own business in this refrigerator...."
Frank never caught anything on his bare hook, but he continued fishing
unabated.
Sagging sales eventually forced the brassiere boutique to go bust.
When the Martian space ship landed in their front yard, the couple went
out to welcome them to the Planet Earth, and invited them to join them for
dinner.
The two couples enjoyed their time together, so the Earth couple invited
the Martians to remain overnight.
The Martian male agreed, and mentioned that it was the custom on Mars
that they swapped wives when they spent the nights with other couples. So the
couples swapped wives for the night.
In the master bedroom, the Earth wife and the Martian male undressed.
After noticing her puzzled look, he asked, "Do you have a question for me?"
She responded with, "Well, you look fine, except your sexual equipment is
very small."
"Oh, that - if you'll just tug on my ears, my dick will grow as large as
you wish it to be."
The next morning, after the Martians had departed, husband and wife were
chatting at the table. He asked, "How was your night?"
"Great! We had a great time! How was your night?"
He answered, "Well, it was okay, except that she kept pulling on my ears
all night..."
The first man said to the second man:
"I hear you quit eating out in diners. Are you saving a lot
of money on food and tips?"
The second man replied:
"No, but I saved sixteen dollars just this week on toilet paper!"
One day on the assembly line, Kowalski's boss came up to him and said, "Hey
Kowalski, there's an urgent phone call for you." Kowalski goes to the phone,
talks a few minutes and comes back to the line with a real sad look on his
face. The boss says, "Whatsa matter? You look terrible." Kowalski answers,
"Boy, what a call! My mother just died. I feel awful." "Jeez, I'm sorry to
hear that," says the boss and walks away.
A little while later, the boss comes back and says, "Kowalski -- another phone
call for you." This time, when he returns, Kowalski looks even worse. The boss
says, "What is it this time?" Kowalski answers, "Boy, what a terrible day this
is! That was my brother -- His mother just died too!"
Two polacks were hunting in the woods and got lost.
The first polack says "I heard if you get lost, you should stay in the same
spot and shoot in the air, and wait for somebody to find you".
Two hours later the second polack says "I don't think this is working, we
keep shooting in the air and nobody has found us."
Yeah says the first polack, and we're almost out of arrows.
+++ Top 5 Products You Would Never Buy
5. Solar-powered NightStalker(tm) attack submarine
4. Harley Davidson Talcum Powder
3. Oliver North Condoms
2. Goodyear Cream Topping
1. Walt Disney Vibrators
+++ Top 9 Sex excuses
9. We'll make too much noise
8. I'm not excited anymore
7. I'm not a machine
6. I hardly know you
5. We really should wait
4. My back hurts
3. Not tonight--I have a headache
2. What--again?
1. There's something on T.V. I want to watch
There once was a young couple named Kelly
Who were forced to spend their lives belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of vaginal jelly
List number to read: Top 14 Questions to Never Ask your Mate in Bed
14. Do my braces hurt?
13. What's this string hanging here?
12. What was your name again?
11. Where'd you learn to do that?
10. You fuck with that?
9. Why do you have a german shepherd anyway?
8. What are you doing right now?
7. Can I listen to my walkman?
6. Is the hockey game on?
5. Are you done yet?
4. Why is the ceiling cracked?
3. Is it in yet?
2. Are you always this quiet?
1. Did the doctor call back with my test results?
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
bumper sticker seen.....
SUPPORT THE GIRL SCOUTS. TODAY'S BROWNIE IS TOMORROW'S COOKIE....
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think!
... So I said, Lets do it, the rooms already paid for!
Do you know where a woman's yet is?
I just heard on the news that a woman was shot last night
and the bullet's in her yet.
Q> WHY DOES DONALD TRUMP'S WIFE HAVE A GOLD DIAPHRAM?
A> BECAUSE HE LIKES TO COME INTO MONEY.
Here's to the girl with the patent-leather shoes
She'll smoke all your cigarettes and drink all your booze
She doesn't have her cherry, but thats no sin...
She's still got the box that the cherry came in!
Here's to HEAT...
Not to the kind in shacks and shanties
But the kind in little girl's panties...
To HEAT!
There are two guys in a bar and one guy says to the other:
"look at that woman over there! You can see right up her
dress and see her lace underware!" The other man says:" WHERE?! (looks) Oh my
GOD! THAT IS NOT underware! In fact she ISN'T WEARING underware!" the first
man says:" The hell it ain't!" the two argue about it for a few minutes and
eventually ask the bartender to go over and ask her if she is wearing any
underware. The bartender goes over and askes the lady, comes back with a rude
look on his face. The men ask him what it was and the bartender says:" BOTH
you guys are WRONG!" The men ask:" Then WHAT is it?" They couriously ask.
"Dead Flies."
Did you hear about the WISCONSON farmer who couldn't tell his
two prize stallions apart?
He cut one horse's tail, but it grew long again.
He cut on horse's mane, but it grew back again.
Finally, he discovered that the white horse was a full inch taller
than the black horse.
Have you heard about the new Italian radial tire?
Dago through rain;
Dago through mud;
Dago through snow;
But, when dago flat
Dago wop, wop, wop.
A man is driving in the country when his car breaks down. He walks
toward the nearest farm house, and he sees a man in a field banging a ewe
(female sheep, ya know?).
He hurries past, to the house where a kid is sitting on the step. "There is a
man in your field banging one of your sheep" he tells the kid.
"Oh" the kid says; "That's just my Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad".
What did Jesus say to the Mexicans?
Don't do anything until I get back!
Bruces Bar and Grill - 8 Public Lines and NO Social Diseases!
Confucious say..."Woman who put man in doghouse...Usually find him in
cathouse..."
Two guys are in the bathroom, at the urinals, when the one looks over to the
other and can't help but notice the size of his pecker - and this thang was
massive. He says, "Sir, don't get me wrong... I'm not the kind of guy who
goes around all the time looking at other men's dicks, but I really must say
that you are really well endowed. I wish I could have one like that."
The other guy says, "Well, me friend, you happen to be in luck! You see, I'm
a leprechan, and I can grant you that wish... however, there's one condition:
you have to let me f*** you up the ass."
The guy thinks about this for a few minutes. He figures, it'll only be this
one time, and he'll certainly be well rewarded in the future, so he decides to
go for it. So they both go into one of the stalls, he leans over and the
leprechan puts it to him.
After a few more minutes, the leprechan asks the man, "How old are you
anyway?"
The man, in excrutiaing agaony by this points graons, "I'm 40!"
"Don't you think you're a might old to be belivin' in leprechans?"
What do cowboy hats and hemorrhoids have in common?
Sooner or later, every asshole has one.
Where's an elephant's sex organ?
In his feet. If he steps on you, your fucked.
How do you keep an asshole in suspense?
---
MUSIC TO GET RICH BY -- Dave Barry
-+----------------------------------------------------------------------
Basically there are two kinds of music:
: "Classical" music, which is the kind written by dead German guys and
played by people wearing tuxedos.
: "Regular" music, which can be written by anybody and played by anybody
and gets on the radio a lot.
If you want to make large sums of money, you should get into regular
music. These days classical music is popular with only about three
hundred people, the same ones who contribute voluntarily to public
television. Classical music tends to go on for days, which is why it is
played by "orchestras," or groups of four hundred fifty to five hundred
people whose parents made them practice classical music when all the
other kids were out learning how to french-kiss. Orchestra people divide
up the labor: one group will play a batch of music, or "movement," then
everybody sits back and reads magazines from little magazine stands
while the "conductor" consults his notes and decides which musicians
will play next. Sometimes the conductor singles out a musician who has
been chewing gum or fooling around and forces him or her to play all
alone while the other musicians snicker. If you ever have to be in an
orchestra, you should try to sit in back, near the guy who plays the
triangle. You'll hardly ever get called on.
Music scholars divide orchestra instruments into five families:
: Instruments You Blow into and Eventually Have to Get the Spit out of
(tubas, whistles, cormorants, tribunes).
: Instruments You Hit (drums, triangles, rhomboids, homophones).
: Instruments That Are Easily Concealed (piccolos).
: Furniture (pianos).
: Instruments That Could Turn out to Be Worth a Million Skillion Dollars
(violins). The really valuable violins are the ones made by Antonius
Stradivarius, which are prized because they were made with exquisite
care and craftsmanship and each one contains just over seventeen ounces
of pure heroin in a secret compartment which you open by pressing with
your chin.
Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too
complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to
hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music. The most
profitable kind of regular music is rock 'n' roll.
Rock 'n' roll comes from the blues, a kind of music developed by
American slaves. It is called the "blues" because it is very sad.
Evidently the slaves found slavery depressing. Blues lyrics generally
go like this:
> My woman she done left me <
> My children left me too <
> My mule done kicked my kidneys <
> And my income tax is due <
For a long time, blues music was popular only with black people, who
were then known as "Negroes." Black blues musicians played in lowdown
bars for very little money. Then, in the early 1950s, young white
people got interested in the blues. They developed a modified version
called "rock 'n' roll," which became enormously popular and turned many
of them into millionaires. They routinely paid homage to the black
blues musicians who paved the way for them, who made it all possible,
and who continued to play in lowdown bars for very little money.
The principal difference between rock 'n' roll and classical music is
that your average piece of classical music has about a dozen melodies
and no words, whereas your average rock 'n' roll song as one melody
(sometimes less) and about a dozen words. When rock 'n' roll composers
are in a hurry to finish songs so they can get to important luncheon
dates, they sometimes make up some of the words. Take, for example, the
words to the 1960s hit rock 'n' roll song "Sittin' in La La":
> Sittin' in la la waitin' for my ya ya <
> Uh huh, uh huh <
> Sittin' in la la waitin' for my ya ya <
> Uh huh, uh huh <
Probably the composer planned to go back and put in real words for "la
la" and "ya ya," but before he could get around to it somebody released
the song and it sold several million records. Another example is "Land
of a Thousand Dances," whose composer evidently got called away to an
urgent appointment after he ad written only two words:
> I said na na na na na <
> Na na na na na na na na na na <
> Na na na na <
The other kinds of regular music you can make money from are country
music, which is popular with people who like songs about drunken
infidelity but requires singers with funny clothes and Southern accents;
big-band music, which is popular with people who like big bands but
requires big bands; and easy-listening music, which is popular in
elevators and super-markets but can be sung only by groups of heavily
sedated suburbanites. You should steer clear of jazz, opera, folk,
marching-band and bagpipe music: the market for these is minuscule. You
never will see hordes of fans clamoring for the autograph of a bagpiper.
What do they say to a Hispanic in a blue three-piece suit??
Will the defendant please rise!!
A black man was found in a swamp, in a southern state, wrapped in 70 lbs.
of chain, and riddled with 27 bullet holes. Sherrif said it was the worst
case of suicide he had ever seen.
well If I die and get reincarnated I want to come back as a whale
What could be wrong with a Fourteen foot tongue and a hole in the back of your
head to breath through!!
Do you know the difference between a Gay male and an Icebox???
The Icebox won't fart when you take the meat out!!!!!!
What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your bathtub???
Throw in the wash
"Who owns the dog tied up outside?"
A guy 7 foot tall guy weighing 250 pounds says "THAT'S MY DOG, SO WHAT!"
The little guy says softly "Well I think he's dead".
The man roars "DEAD! HOW DID HE DIE!?!"
"My dog killed him"
"WHAT KIND OF DOG DO YOU HAVE"
" A Chihuahua" he says meekly.
"HOW CAN A 5oz CHIHUAHUA KILL A 200 POUND GREAT DANE?"
"Well..." the little guy says "I think he choked on it"
And then the big guy says, "Choke on this you little twit!!!"
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny!
What do Kinney's and the U.S. Postal Service have in common?
They both have thousands of loafers.
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung
One day, little Bobby was in class, and his teacher told the class to bring in
a story about sex for the sex education class the next day.
As usual, Bobby forgot to do his homework, and came to class empty handed. As
the teacher called on the first little girl,she related to the class that her
dog had puppies the night before, and she had to help deliver them. That`s a
very good story, the teacher told her.
NEXT!
Little Jimmy told the class that his cat had kittens.
NEXT!
Now it was Bobby`s turn. All he could think about was "The Lone Ranger"
He started by telling the class that,The Lone Ranger and Tonto were sorounded
by 1000 unhappy indians , and--------------
The teacher broke in and said "Bobby, what has this to do with sex?"
I`m getting to that part teacher, he replied.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had to kill all the indians. Thank you.
But Bobby, the teacher said, that has nothing to do with sex.
Yes it does , Bobby replied . It showes that you don`t ----------
F*CK with the LONE RANGER **********************
+++ Top 20 unFavorite Lines From Your Parents.
20. Go clean your room.
19. Turn that stereo down.
18. I love you, but...
17. Be careful.
16. You're old enough to know better.
15. Go ask your father.
14. You're the oldest. You should be more responsible.
13. Go read a book.
12. Who's going to be at that party?
11. Don't wait till the last minute.
10. Get a job!
9. Good things don't come easy.
8. How was your day?
7. Money doesn't grow on trees!
6. Who was on the phone?
5. Have you done your homework yet?
4. Because I'm the mother, that's why..
3. No. Do it now!
2. As long as you're living under my roof...
1. Why are you so late?
What is the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you've used it.
Did you hear about the guy whose girl friend left him for a tractor salesman?
She sent him a John Deere letter.
The place is Israel, and a crowd is stoning a man for stealing a loaf of
bread. Jesus walks by and notices the scene, outraged. He screams for the
crowd to stop and then addresses them calmly. "Let he who is without sin," he
explains, "cast the first stone." The crowd quietly contemplates for a
moment, when suddenly a rock comes flying from the throng and pegs the accused
thief in the head.
Jesus gets an angry look on his face and glares at an old woman in the
crowd. "I hate when you do that, mom!"
"Ay, an 'orrible creature it is; I hear that a peasant who saw it got so
scared, turned his teeth white overnight!"
I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but
I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head.
GEORGE WALLACE
It is common knowlege that many plants are capable of producing altered
states of conciousness. But, do you know what kind of berry has narcotic
qualities?
The Marionberry!
+++ Top 10 New and Exciting ways to commit suicide
10. Toast the Queen in a Belfast pub
9. Call Mike Tyson a #$%&#%$%&!
8. Wear your U2 shirt to a Metallica concert
7. Go on a 24-day tour of Beirut
6. Eat 40 pounds of prunes in 30 min
5. Spend a night in a Bankok brothel
4. Drive a Ford Pinto cross-country
3. Become buddies with Salman Rushdie
2. Smell Paul Beaudoin's sneakers
1. Camp out overnight in Tianamen square
+++ Top 13 Modern-Day Dilemmas
13. Is $1.99 still cheap?
12. Is there a country south of the equator that doesn't hate Americans?
11. What do you serve your pregnant, diabetic, enemic, protestant, drunk,...
10. ...buddhist, rotarian, kosher, vegetarian, satanic, sterile,...
9. ...iconoclastic, feminist, anti-abortionist, animal-rights supporting...
8. ...friend for dinner?
7. Should you video-tape your divorce?
6. Is there a pleasure left that doesn't cause cancer?
5. Is there a female rock singer whose lyrics' main topic isn't sex?
4. Where can you buy a watch that JUST tells the time?
3. Is it totally impossible to avoid seeing Ed McMahon?
2. Is there a Central American gov't that can last for more than a year?
1. Where can you buy a mother's-day card for your gay transvestite stepfather?
Mayor Barry is the best gram for gram mayor of a large eastern city.
>
(a blind man, to his two female compainions as they walk by a beauty
salon)...... "Either someone is getting a perm or one of you two ladies is
walking too fast....."
>>Observed on a Bmer in D.C. - Nuke the gay whales for Jesus!
SAVE THE WHALES!..... Collect the whole set!
SAVE SOVIET JEWS!...... Redeem later for valuable prizes!
Did you hear the one about the guy falling down an 80-foot hole in the ground?
Well Well...
Did you hear about the fellow that got released from the mental hospital last
week? Very unusual case, he only weighed a total of 100 pounds but his
testicles weighed 50 pounds.
.
.
They shouldn't have let him out, though. He was still half nuts.
What is the difference between Marion Barry and Wilson Goode?
Marion Barry smokes crack, and Wilson Goode smokes neighborhoods.
A traveling salesman's car broke down in the boonies, and it was raining to
beat hell. He spotted a house nearby and sloshed his way through the mud to
the front door. He knocked several times, but getting no answer, looked in the
window. He was shocked to see a topless woman stroking her tits and a man
beating off while holding an umbrella. He beat feet up the road to the next
house, and once allowed inside, explained what he'd seen. "Oh, don't worry
about them," said the farmer at this house. "They're both deaf and dumb, and
she was just asking him to go milk the cows." The salesman replied, "Okay,
but why the hell would he beat off while holding an umbrella?"
"Simple," the farmer said, "he was just telling his wife, 'Fuck you, its
raining outside.'"
That reminds me of the case, that supposedly happened, of how a Latin American
dictator's political enemy mysteriously died in captivity. The official
statement was that he was "poisoned while trying to escape."
Confucious Say.......
Woman who go to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
Man who lays woman on ground, get piece of earth.
Man who kisses girls behind, get cracks in face.
Woman who spends too much time on bedspring, may get offspring.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Man and mouse all alike, both end up in pussy.
Man with kicked in testicles, left holding bag.
Man who sucks nipples, makes clean breast of things.
Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.
Man who fights with wife all day, gets no piece at night.
Man who snatches kisses at youth, kisses snatches when old.
Child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be
shiftless bastard.
Man who marries girl with no bust, have right to feel low down.
Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.
Girl who douches with vinegar, walk around with sour puss.
Man with athletic fingers, make broad jump.
Kotex not best thing in world, but next to it.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
answer to What three words do you not want to hear when making love:
Burning sensation? Draino!
Unzip first, dummy!
Baaaa, baaaaa, baaaa!
I'm your grandmother!
You're under arrest.
At work they treat us like mushrooms.....
Keep us in the dark,
And feed us shit.
The Wife's Place is in the Home...
And she should be there the minute she
gets off work!
JESUS SAVES... AT K-MART!
what kind of sound do you hear when you throw a big hand full of shit at
a wall?
WOP!
There was an old fellow of Brest
Who sucked off his wife in a zest.
Despite her great howls
He sucked out her bowels
And spat them all over her chest.
There was a young fellow from Leith
Who used to skin cocks with his teeth.
It wasn't for pleasure
He adopted this measure
But to get at the cheese underneath.
WANT TO HIRE COMELY YOUNG LADY WHO CAN SPEAK GERMAN AND FRENCH AT THE SAME
TIME.
If people would concentrate on the really important things in life, there
would be a shortage of fishing poles.
One day a teacher is teaching her history class. She asks "Now who was the
16th president of our country?
However the room remained silent. Suddenly a japanese kid raises his hand.
"President Abraham lincoln!"
The teacher goes very good!
"You ought to be ashamed of yourselves" she says to the rest of the class.
"The japanese boy knows the presidents."
"FUCK the JAPS" says a voice in the back of the room.
"Who said that?" yells the teacher.
Another kid raises his hand."Harry Truman!"
What three words do you NOT want to hear
when making
love?
You done ALREADY?
I'm only 15! <-- insert appropriate age for your state.
Little Johnny disobeyed his mother, and went next door to
watch construction workers building a new house. When his
mother caught him, she took him home and ordered him to go to
the back yard and get a switch. Johnny replied, " Go get the
god damn switch yourself, I ain't no fucking electrician."
Do you know where a woman's now is?
My roommate broke up with his girl friend and he asked me,
"I wonder who's kissing her now?".
This old lady became more and more lonely and one day a friend suggested she
get a pet to keep her company. She went to the pet store and checked out
various pets - a dog, a cat, a hamster, but none struck her fancy. Finally the
pet store clerk suggested a beautiful talking parrot. The old lady had always
liked birds so she took the parrot home. That evening she
was getting ready for bed and as she took off her bra the parrot screamed.
NICE TEATS, LADY! The matronly woman was appalled and so as a punishment she
put the bird in the freezer for five minutes. The next night she was getting
ready for bed and as she bent over and pulled down her pants the bird screamed
NICE ASS, LADY. This time the old woman was really affronted and she put the
bird in the freezer for 10 minutes. When she let him out he was shivering and
covered with frost. He glared at her and finally he said, WHAT DID THE TURKEY
DO, LADY, ASK FOR A BLOWJOB?
answer to What three words do you not want to hear when making love:
That you Joe?
Will You Stopppp!
your feet smell
Ralph was bigger
watch the scab
squeese my zits
I've got AIDS
did you wipe?
my husbands home!
Whats the difference between
a girl, a woman, and a lady?
Price
Hey Reed... did you here about the guy who dicovered that he had crabs?
He went back to the only person he knew he could have gotten it from, a
prostitute that was the only one he saw. He went up to her and screamed, "You
filthy bitch, you gave me crabs!"
She barked back, "Hey, boy, I didn't *give* them to you... you BOUGHT them."
Zsa Zsa Gabor went to the doctor for a yearly physical.
While on the table with her legs in the stirrups, the
doctor said."have you ever had a check-up here before?"
Zsa Zsa said,"no, but I've had a few Hungarians!"
I also once saw a sign on a whorehouse door: "Closed for the summer. Beat
it."
A girl walks into a bar & says, "I'll have a beer" The bartender asks,
"Anhaueser Busch?" and she says, "Just fine, and how's your dick?"
a young man who was prematurely bald went to a barber for a trim. during the
course of the short haircut the young man asked if there was a dependable hair
restorer. the barber gave him the advice that stimulation of the scalp was
best accomplished by rubbing the scalp against his wife's snatch three or four
times a day for fifteen minutes each 24 hour period. the man left and
about one year later a hairy monster comes into the barber shop and says, "hey
there. remember me?" the barber says,"pull the hair away so i can see
your face." the guy spreads the hair so his face can be seen and
says," i am the guy you told to rub my head on my wife's pussy to stimulate
hair growth. it really works good."
the barber twirled the tip of his 16 inch mustache between his thumb and
forefinger and answered, "you're telling me?"
there were 2 eskimo's in a bar. eskimo #1 said to eskimo #2 "i'll bet you
$500.00, that my igloo is colder than yours!"
eskimo #2 said "you have a bet!"
then a third eskimo said "i will put $500.00 in just to see whose IS the
coldest!"
they all left the bar an went to the first eskimo's igloo.
the first eskimo spit into the air! it froze, and fell to the ground. it
shatterred into a thousand pieces.
the second eskimo said "you have shown me nothing!!. i will show you whose is
coldest!"
they went to the second eskimo's igloo.
when they got there, the second eskimo unzipped and pissed. the urine
froze, right up to his dick: forming a sorta yellow rose!
he then flicked it, and it shatterred into 2 thousand pieces.
the third eskimo said "i knew it was easy money! come over to my place. i'll
show you cold!
they went over to the third eskimo's igloo.
they went in after they got there.
the establishment was warm. this made the eskimo's curious "we're looking for
cold in this bet!"
the third eskimo's igloo had a nice fire....his wife was in bed with caraboo
furs on!
the third eskimo then reached between his wife's legs. he pulled out three
furr balls!
the other two eskimo's were sittin there saying "whats that prove?"
he threw the furr balls into the fire.
suddenly----> like a bat out of hell! there were three loud farts!
the eskimo said "now, thats cold!!!"
Once there was a man who went all through college and decided he didn't
like it, so he dropped out to become a trolley car conductor...He loved
the trolley cars...he had loved them since he had been a child in San
Francisco...every day he would watch the trolley cars go up the hill and
down the hill; up the hill and down the hill...and he loved to watch
them...except when old people got on the trolley cars, because they used
to complain about the littlest (sic) things...as the man grew older he
developed a hatred of old people, while retaining his love of trolley
cars.
So it was no surprise that the man, upon dropping out of school, decided
to become a trolley car conductor...he spent his days going up the hill
and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill, ringing the trolley car
bell as he went...UNTIL...one day an old lady got on the trolley car and
demanded change for the money she had put in the vend-o-matic, even though
there was a sign clearly posting that the conductor did not make change...
the conductor refused to make change for her, and this infuriated the old
lady...at this point she began screaming at him and making such a scene
that he lost control and threw her out on the trolley car tracks and ran
over her...needless to say, he was arrested, tried, and found guilty...
He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, and when the warden came to
ask him what he wanted for his last meal, he responded "a dozen bananas".
The warden was a bit surprised at the request, but honored it and the man
promptly smashed up the bananas and smeared the juice all over his body...
He was then taken to the electric chair and strapped in...ZAP...the
executioner threw the switch, but the man lived...the executioner checked
all the connections and threw the switch again...the man still lived...
the executioner tried a third time, but the man still lived...now at this
time, the law stated that if you didn't die by the third time, it was an
act of God that you were still alive and you were released, so the man went
free...
He returned to his job at the trolley car...(go through the deaths of two
more old people and trials and bananas smashed on bodies and three tries
and man going free from electric chair)...after the man was set free for
the third time, the warden approached him..."Three times you've been
sentenced to die in the electric chair and three times, you've gone free...
tell me why...is it the banana juice that you smear all over your body
before going to the chair??"
The man thought for a moment, and then slowly replied, "No, I don't think
it's the bananas...I guess I'm just a bad conductor..."
It was a cold, hard Dublin winter, and it was Brian McLonegan's last. He
final-
ly had succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver, the traditional trail of farewell
for those who subsist on the Irish Liquid Diet.
His casket was being carried down the steps of the church by the six pall-
bearers (none of whom was any too steady) when one of the lead men slipped
on the ice and sent the whole bunch, with the casket, sliding down the street.
The men managed to stop themselves with little difficulty, but the casket car-
rying the mortal remains of Brian McLonegan continued on down the icy way.
At the end of the street was the local Apothecary shop, and a man was coming
out the door as the casket jumped the sidewalk. The man saw the juggernaut
com-
ing, leaping aside just in time, as the casket shot through the open doorway.
It scraped across the floor, coming up against the druggist's counter with an
authoritative "Thump!" The lid popped open, and the stiff of Brian McLonegan
sat upright.
"Top o' th' mornin' to ye, an' how can I be helpin' ye?" inquired the
druggist.
Said McLonegan's stiff: "Can ye be givin' me somethin' for this coffin?"
My wife thinks i'm too nosy, at least that is what she keeps writing in her
diary....
A womwn goes into a drug and asks the man behind the counter
" Do you sell condoms "
"Yes we do "
"Do you sell large condoms"
"Yes we do"
" Do you sell extra large condoms "
" Yes we do "
The lady just stands there and finally the man asks her.
" Do you want to buy some extra large condoms "
" No I'll just wait here till somebody does "
3 Traveling salesman walking around - it gets stormy -they go to a
farmhouse. The widow says there are only 2 beds but the salesman can share
one and she and her daughter (a fox, naturally) will share the other bed.
They put up a divider in the bedroom so they can't see each other, but they
CAN hear. Then the 3 salesman in an effort impress the girl start talking.
Man 1: Well, gotta take care of my 500 head of cattle tomorrow!
Widow (talking to her daughter): Honey! That's the man for you to
marry!
Man 2: Yea! I know. I have 14 oil wells to check on tomorrow.
Widow: Honey! That's the man for you to marry!
Man 3: Will you guys be quiet and move over. You're BOTH layin' on
my pecker!
Daughter: Mama! THAT'S the man for ME to marry!
Two guys are sitting at the bar, and the one notices something peciliar in his
drink. He nudges the guy next to him and queries, "Hey, bud, have you ever
seen anything like this? An icecube, with a hole in it!"
The other guy retorts, "Are you kidding? I've been married for years!"
For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd dog. When he found out
I was Jewish, he bit me! He was a wonderful watchdog. One evening while I
was being held up, we watched.
It is an exciting night at Carnegie Hall; the great pianist Nikolai
Pushkin is playing his first performance in the states. People have waited
months to hear this virtuoso play, and complete silence descends when Pushkin
walks onstage. He calmly sits at the piano, takes a deep breath, and plays a
single note. After a contemplative moment, he screams at the stage director:
"this piano is improperly tuned! Get the tuner out here this instant!"
The crowd is forced to wait for half an hour while the resident piano tuner
nervously checks the frequency of each key. Satisfied everything is in
perfect order, he invites Pushkin to begin playing once more. The virtuoso
sits down and plays the beginning of a Chopin Etude. After playing for less
than a minute, Pushkin screams in anguish, stands, and kicks the piano. "That
piano tuner is inept! Bring a new one; I will not play an improperly tuned
piano." The crowd impatiently waits another half hour as another tuner is
called in and calibrates the instrument. Pushkin begins playing again, but
once more complains of a poorly tuned piano. "It is obvious you Americans
cannot tune a piano! Call for me the great Vladimir Oppurnockity, the
greatest piano tuner in the world!" 45 minutes later, Oppurnockity arrives at
the hall (after being awakened at his Manhattan penthouse), and spends over
half an hour carefully tuning Pushkin's grand. When satisfied, he leaves
wordlessly.
Pushkin finally seems satisfied, playing marvellously for half an hour
without a complaint. Everyone cringes, however, when interrupts a Dvorak
concerto with complaints and screams. "This piano is a toy!" he screams to
the stage manager. "Get Vladimir Oppurnockity on the phone again to rectify
the situation!"
Disgruntled and frustrated, the stage manager stomps off to his office to
phone the famous tuner. When he answers, the manager begs him to return to
tune the piano once more.
"THis is not possible," Vladimir laughs grimly, "Oppurnockity only tunes
once!"
From OSHA:
Bulletin # 35749283abc25
The Occupational Safety and Hazard Administration (OSHA) has determined that
the maximum size load capacity of my butt is two persons at one time ...
Unless I install handrails or safety straps... As you have arrived 6th in line
to ride my ass today, Please take a number and wait your turn...
There was a farmer who lived out in the Boonies with his son and wife.One
day the little boy asked his dad what moms breasts were for.
"Well Son, those are moms balloons. When she dies we blow them up andshe'll
float up to heaven."
So a couple of weeks later, the farmer is out working the fields,when
his son comes running out to him.
"Dad, you'd better come to the house quick," he shouted, "Mommy's dying"
"What do you mean?" asked the farmer.
"Well, Uncle Bob is blowing Mom's balloons up and she's yelling "Oh
God,I'm coming"!!!!!!!
It seems that God and St. Peter were talking one day, and God was
bemoaning the current state of the Human Race on Earth. He told St.
Peter, "I've got to come up with something to put a stop to all of this
horrible oral sex that the humans are engaging in. Do you have any
ideas?"
St. Peter said, "Well, why not prepare some sort of award or
certificate to give all the humans who DON'T engage in oral sex?"
"Great idea!", said God. "I'll work on it..."
So, soon after that, God had created a guilded silver and gold
certificate, with a personal message thanking those who got one for not
doing oral sex. And do you know what was inscribed on it?
< You didn't get one, either, huh? >
What do you call a motorcyclist without a helmet?
An organ donor....
...and near by, of course, there existed a city with a baseball team.
Their star pitcher was Melvin W. Famey, III, named for his Grandfather
and father, of course. Famey was noted far and wide for his slider,
which was, in a word, unhittable.
One day late in the season, a rival team, weary from years of defeats
at the hands of Famey's fingers, so to speak, decided that just once,
they'd like to win. So, the evening before the game, they hired a team
of seven prostitutes to tired out Famey so that his spark would be lost
the next day. But it didn't work. Famey's pitching the next day was
better than ever.
For the next game, they decided to try to wear Famey down with rich
food. They took him to a classy restaurant called the 777 Club, which
featured a famous feast of a 7 pound prime rib cut, a 7 ounce potato
filled with 7 ounces of butter and 7 ounces of sour cream, all for
$77.77. But again, the next day, although filled with nearly ten pounds
of food from the night before, Famey pitch even better than he had on
the previous game.
One more try, the rivals thought. They bought seven sixpacks of Chinese
beer and treated Famey to a wonder dim sum feast of Chinese delicacies
and beer. And just to make sure, they planned the feast for just two
hours before the game. By gametime, Famey was stuffed. But more
importantly, he couldn't walk a straight line if his feet were nailed
to skis and fitted onto railroad tracks. He was DRUNK.
SUre enough, come game time, Famey couldn't throw worth a darn. He
walked every batter, walking home ten runs in the first inning. Famey's
team, which had never needed another pitcher, eventually got through
the game by bringing in a left fielder, the only other guy on the team
who had ever pitched.
When the game was over, the rival team had skunked the previously
unbeaten team 22 to 0. As the game was ending, the rivals were gathered
in a circle paying tribute to 42 empty beer cans. "What's that" asked a
reporter for the local paper.
"That?" replied one of the victors. "That's the beer that made Mel
Famey walk us."
"Oh the freshmen up at Yale get no tail, get no tail
Oh the freshmen up at Yale get no tail
So for want of recreation
They indulge in masturbation
It's a hell of a situation up at Yale"
Girl: "Do you smoke after sex?"
Guy: "I never looked!"
What is the definition of relative humidity ?
That's when the sweat off your balls runs down the crack of your sister
in laws ass.
Screw the Queen, hollerd the King!!
and 50,000 faithfull followers and 15 horney dogs stormed the palace...
"FOR THE KINGS WORD IS LAW"........
How about Irish foreplay: Brace yerself, Coleen!
How come a woman has one bra and a pair of panties?
If you go to Washington DC, check in with Mayor Barry and
get the
kilo to the city.
OJ: What's Black on the outside and white on the inside?
Mayor Barry's nose!!! Ahhhh Haaa!
Did you hear about the pyschic Puerto Rican who knew the exact day and
minute he would die?
..
..
..
The warden told him.
what do you call a hooker with braces?
An Organ Grinder.
Do You know what Red Neck
foreplay is?
Git in tha truck bitch.
Shit, and the OKIES around here think you're SERIOUS!!!!!!
They've been trying it for the last two days and STILL can't get laid!!!
Surgeon General's Warning to Women :
It is fatal to your spouse if you fart while doing it doggie style.
Two newlyweds had just gotten married and they got their usual array of
wedding gifts (albeit expensive ones.) One couple got them a dryer, one a
dishwasher, and another a T.V. Anyway, about a week after their wedding, their
dishwasher broke down and the wife says to her husband, "Honey, do you think
you could fix the dishwasher?" And he says, "Me? Do I look like the Maytag
repairman? No, I can't fix it. I guess we'll have to hire someone to do it."
So she does, and it gets fixed. Another week passes and the dryer breaks down.
She asks her husband again if he can fix it, and again he states that he is
"no electrician" and tells her to hire someone to fix it. Another week passes
and, amazingly enough, the television breaks down. The wife asks her husband
if he can fix it, and he says, "Do I look Curtis Mathis? No, I can't fix the
T.V. either. Find someone who can.." So the wife remembers that the neighbor
fixes televisions and has him come over to do it. Later that night, when the
husband comes home from work, his wife tells him that the neighbor fixed the
TV. "How much did he charge us?", he asked. "Well," she said, "he gave me an
ultimatum. I would either have to bake him cookies or have sex with him." The
husband looked surprised and said, "Well, I hope you baked him cookies!!!" And
she said, "Who do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
North Dakota Mother's Letter to her son
Dear Son
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive.I am writing this slow
because I know you cannot read fast.You won't know the house when you get home
______we've moved.
About your father,he has a lovely job.He has 500 people under him.He is
cuttimng grass at the cementry.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in,but it isn't
working to good.Last week I put 14 shirts in,pulled the chain,and I haven't
seen the shirts since.
Your sister had a baby this morning.I haven't found out whether it's a boy or
as girl so I don't know whether your an aunt or uncle.
Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the Bismark
brewery.Some of the men dived in to save him,but he fought them off bravely.We
cremated his body,and it took three days to put thye fire out.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.The doctor put a
small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes.Your father
offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week,first for three days,then for four.
Your loving mother
and then there's foreplay in Southeast DC: "Quiet bitch! I got a knife!"
"What are you doing that for?", Bill asked, looking at his friend Tyrone.
The large, muscular negro had just finished using a urinal and before zipping
up, banged his cock against the side of the receptacle three times.
"You oughta try it," Tyrone explained as he zipped up, "it'll make your dick
bigger." Bill scoffed politely. "Naw man, I mean it. Come on, just humor
me: every morning when you get up and take a leak, bang your dick against the
toilet three times. I'll bet you anything it works." Sceptical but good
natured, Bill agrees to try his friend's advice. The next morning, he pulls
himself out of bed, urinates, and beats his pud against the toilet. Every
morning for two weeks he performs this procedure, and upon close inspection,
he realizes his cock is indeed almost half an inch longer.
From then on, he enthusiastically performs this task. One morning, however,
the banging noise rouses his wife from sleep in the next room.
"Tyrone, is that you?" she asks.
What's the definition of impossible??
Nailing diareia to the wall!
Irreverent Jewish sayings:
If G-d lived on earth, people would knock out all His windows.
Dear G-d, You help *strangers*, so why don't you help me?
"Thou hast chosen us from among all the nations" -- but why did you have to
pick on the Jews?
G-d will provide -- but why doesn't He provide UNTIL He provides?
Don't question G-d, for He may reply: "If you're so anxious for answers, come
up here!"
Dear L-rd: Just help me get up; I can fall down by myself.
The Bergs needed a new car, so they
went to the nearby Oldsmobile
dealership to pick one out. No sooner
had gorgeous Mrs. Berg set foot on the
car lot than the salesman's jaw
dropped. He couldn't take his eyes
off her.
Never one to pass up a chance at a
bargain, Berg pulled the salesman
aside and commented on his appreciation
of his wife's charms. "She's really
something, eh?" he commented with a
sly smile.
The salesman nodded dumbly, eyes glued
to Mrs. Berg's cleavage.
"Tell you whaYou've got a back room
here, right? Let's take her back
there, and if you can do everything I
can do, I'll pay double for the Olds
convertible over there."
If not, I get the car for free.
The salesman agreed enthusiastically,
his gaze dropping to Mrs. Berg's
perfect, mini-skirted ass. As soon as
the door was closed, Berg pulled up
his wife's T-shirt and started
fondling the luscious melons that
popped out. The salesman followed
suit energetically.
Next Berg circled her navel with his
tongue. The salesman licked her whole
stomach, trying not to drool.
Next Berg pulled up her teeny-weeny
skirt, feeling the soft down of her
inner thighs. The salesman followed
suit, the slight tang of her pussy
almost driving him insane.
xNext Berg pulled out his pecker and
folded it in half.
The salesman sighed. "What color car
d' you want?"
It was the Feast of St. Somethingorother, patron saint of ladies of the
evening, and the King decided he would hold a contest to determine which of
his vassals had the strongest -ahem- weapon.
Well, the first knight tied a 5 pound weight to his -ahAnd
the men cheered! <hurrah!> And the band played inspiring music! <da da dee da
da...>
The second knight tied a 10 pound weight to his -ahem- weapon.
And lo, it did rise! And the women swooned! <ohhhh...> And the men cheered!
<hurrah!> And the band played inspiring music! <da da dee da da...>
The third knight shrugged, and tied a 15 pound weight to his
-ahem- weapon. And lo, it did rise! And the women swooned! <ohhhh...>
And the men cheered! <hurrah!> And the band played inspiring music!
<da da dee da da...>
The king then stood and declared, "These are mighty deeds,
but the King is still the King, and We still have the mightiest weapon in the
land!" And the King tied a THIRTY pound weight to his -ahem- weapon. And lo,
it did rise! And the women swooned! <ohhhh...> And the men cheered! <hurrah!>
And the band played God Save The Queen!
Q: What is Mass Confusion?
A: 20 Blind Lesbians in a Fish Market!
ugh
AN ALTERNATE IS Fathers day in harlem!!!
mitchnik came to the us of a many years ago and , notwithstanding his
stupidity, became a very successful industrial tycoon. in his old age he
wanted to visit the rest of his family scattered around the world to impress
them with his success. his first visit was to his brother abe who lived in
the state of israel out in the negev desert. mitchnik loaded up his biggest
jet cargo plane with gifts and his personal necessities and flew over to see
his brother. he took with him his largest cadillac limousine. when he got to
the negev desert and saw his brother, the brother took one look at the big
cadillac and said, " dummy. who drives a cadillac in the negev desert? here
we do not have filling stations to get gasoline. we do not have water for the
radiator. we got no repair facilities." so mitchnik asked," so how do you
get around in the desert?" abe says "you need a camel. go over
three sand dunes south and when you come to a bunch of arabs tending a big
herd of camels ask for abdullah, the used camel dealer. he can give you a
good deal on a trade in of your car for a camel."
mitchnik goes to abdullah, strikes a deal, and gets a saddle thrown in for
boot. mitchnik is so thrilled at being to ride a camel like a regular
lawrence of arabia that he races the camel up and down the streets of the town
at breakneck speed like a crazy man all day long. at the end of the day he
is all pooped out. he ties the came to a hitching post in front of his
brother's house and goes in to sleep for the night. the next morning he
goes out to ride his camel again and lo and behold. no camel. the camel
is gone. he asks his brother what to do and abe says, "go to the cops and
file a stolen camel report.
the cop at the desk says "you got to make out a report and answer some
questions firstly, what color was the camel? " mitchnik does not know what
color it was. "was it a one hump camel or a two hump camel?" mitchnik does
not know. mitchnil does not know if the saddle was english or western style.
mitchnik does not know if it had a short or a long tail. in short, mitchnik
knows absolutely nothing about the camel to give the cops a lead in locating
it. as a last point of inquiry the cop asks mitchnik, was the camel a male
or a female?" mitchnik all of a sudden smiles and says, "that i know. it
was a male." the cop says, for such an unobservant person how come all of a
sudden you are an expert when it comes to sex on a camel?" mitchnik
says, " thats easy. as i was racing through the streets yesterday all the
arabs pointed to the camel and said, "look at the big schmuck on that camel."
My dog's so screwed up, he raises his FRONT leg to take a piss!!!!!
What does a man like best behind a woman's ears?
Her knees.
Jesus, Moses, and an old man were about to start a golf game. They flip a
coin to see who tee's off first, and the old man won the toss. He stands
there about 5 minutes lining up his shot, then swings, and the ball slices to
the left and drops into a water hazard (lake). A fish swims up and swallows
the ball, then starts across the lake. Suddenly, a Hawk swoops out of the
sky, scoops up the fish, and flies off across the course. Then, a bolt of
lightning streaks out of the sky, hitting the hawk, which drops the fish onto
the green. The ball rolls out of the fish's mouth into the cup for a HOLE IN
ONE! Jesus and Moses look over at the old man who is grinning, and Jesus says
"Nice shot dad, but will you quit fucking around and let's play golf?!?"
JESUS SAVES... AT K-MART!
Jesus Saves...but Moses Invests!
And I can't tell you the one about the bed.....
...it hasn't been made up yet.
Did you hear about the country doctor who made a cottage call,
and while he was there he also tried to fix a broken rope on the
patient's backyard well? Poor doctor fell in and almost lost his
life.
The moral is that a doctor should attend the sick, and leave the
well alone!!
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench.
A flasher came along and flashed them.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
the third old lady's arms weren't long enough
There once was a man named Greene,
Who invented a jacking off machine.
But on the 99th stroke,
The damn thing broke,
And splattered his balls to cream.
Oh, Immanuel Kant was a real pissant,
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger, was a boozy begger,
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume, could out-consume,
Schoepenhaur and Haegel.
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine,
Who was just as shloshed as Schlagel.
There wasn't nothing Neitsche couldn't teach ya',
About the raising of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.
Oh, John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
Drank half o' pint of shandy (was particularly ill).
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
Half o' crate o' whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle, was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
I drink. Therefore I am"
Oh, Socrates himself is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed.
A couple of weeks ago I was at a party and meet a really nice looking girl.
Once the party started winding down we decided to go to her place to get to
know each other better. One thing lead to another and we started in some heavy
foreplay. Then I started wondering what type of birthcontrol she was using. By
the time I realized she was using foam I looked like a rabid dog.
You may possibly have heard about the new TV documentary on animal family
planning in East Africa. It's called "Wild Condom". ;-)
an arab was lost in the sahara desert when he found a genie bottle. He
rubbed it and the genie appeared.
geenie said "3 wishes"-just like in all the jokes.
He said "1> Hmmm I think I want to be the richest man int he world"
No prb--poof...all this money
He said "2> I want to be surrounded by beautiful women"
No prob--poof...all these beautiful women whose life dream was to make love to
this man. he was happy
He said "And last--I want my Dick to hit the ground"
And his legs fell off
Licence plates....
I know 2 proctologists in my neighborhood (of corth) and they have:
Proco and Upyerz
one day stella went to the hospital because she had an unduly large abdominal
swelling. the swelling was diagnosed as advanced pregnancy and she was in
imminent exspectation of childbirth. she duly gave birth to a ten pounder and
she immediately asked to see the little bugger that she was to call stash.
when they brought him to her she pointed to stash and said, "eek! what is that
thing sticking out of his belly button?" the nurse opined that there was a
solid gold screw sticking out of little stash's belly button. stella said ,
"get the goddam screw out of his belly button immediately if not sooner."
they went to work on this immediately. surgeons could do
nothing. they sent the kid out to a machine shop to have the thing ground
off. in the shop they tried a milling machine. no soap. they tried a blow
torch. no soap. they returned him to the hospital and called a jewish rabbi
to have the thing circumsised off. no soap. the jewish rabbi said he only
worked on real schmucks and this one was in the wrong place. after
discharge from the hospital the mother searched the world for a specialist who
could remove the gold screw from stash's belly button but to no avail. they
tried everything. it was annoying. when stash was in high school in the
locker room for gym class every one pointed at him and said, "ha ha . look at
stash. he has a gold screw in his pippic." and they would laugh and laugh
and this only depressed stash more and more. after high school stash was
engaged to a beautiful girl and went to his parish priest and said, "i am
engaged to be married and i have an infirmity that may interfere with my plans
for marriage. if my wife sees the big gold screw sticking out of my belly
button she will bust out laughing and this will not auger well for our marital
bliss." the priest inquired about the details and stash gave him his
medical history. the good father said, " i see that you have tried
everything but prayer and you are now in a position where you need a quick
fix. it would be best if you pack a bag and get over to the shrine of our
lady of lourdes in france and start davening in earnest. "
the stash threw all his shit into a duffel bag and flew to
france. he went to our lady of lourdes shrine and prayed in earnest. as he
was earnestly and devoutly praying there was a mighty clap of thunder and down
from the heavens there came a mighty bolt of lightening. at the end of the
bolt of lightening there appeared to be a large golden screwdriver. the tip
of the screwdriver engaged itself in the slot of the screw in stash's belly
button as if guided by a mysterious and unseen hand. the bolt of lightening
slowly turned the screw until the screw came entirely out and fell on the
ground. at exactly that moment poor stash's ass fell off.
izzy cohen was the biggest faker in the world. but he was slick and nobody
could pin a rap on him. one day he walked in front of a mercedes stretch
limousine with insurance coverage enough to pay off the national debt and fell
on the pavement and blamed the driver. cohen was disabled for life. he was
an octaplegic. he could not even move his dick. in short, he sued. the jury
took into consideration the fact that this poor man on a stretcher who was
completely paralyzed, except for his mouth, was injured by an auto that
probably had $100,000,000.00 in insurance coverage and awarded him
$64,000,000.00 in damages. after the trial the insurance adjuster, mr.
mahoney, approached cohen and said,"cohen, you are the world's greatest faker.
i am going to dog you for the rest of your life to prove that you are a fraud.
and when i do that you are going to have to cough up all that dough. with
interest yet."
cohen answered,"mahoney , you got rocks in your head. when i get
that dough i am going to charter a plane to lourdes in france. i am going to
pray like mad at that shrine. and you are going to see the biggest fucking
miracle that ever happened."
If everyone in the world would only get together and all pull in the same
direction ... The world would tip over!
HEY...Would you hit a woman with a child?
No...I'd hit her with a brick.
Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
..To keep her ankles warm.
What's the first thing a sorority girl do in the morning?
..She walks home.
How do you get four sorority girls on a barstool?
..Turn it upside down.
Two arabs are lost in the desert, starving to death. Just
before they die of hunger, they find a huge mound of camel
shit. One arab says that he thinks they should eat it. The
other arab says, "What kind of person do think I am?" So the
first arab picks up the camel shit, and moistens it by pissing
on it. Then be begins to eat it. He can only get about half
of it down before he starts to throw up. The other arab rushes
over with his hands cupped, saying, "Just what I wanted. A
nice hot meal."
What did the Nun say after she rode her bike down the cobblestone street?
I'm not going to come that way again!
Two statues, a male and female nude, had faced each other from their
pedastals in the park for over a century when the good fairy granted them one
wish. They agreed that they wanted to become animated for one hour.
With a wave of the good fairy's wand, they dove into the surrounding
underbrush. For the next 50 minutes, dirt, leaves, and sticks flew in all
directions.
Coming up for air, the male turned to the female and said, "There are
ten minutes left. What should we do?"
"More of the same would be divine," the woman replied.
"Fine," the man said. "Only this time, you hold down the pigeons and
I'll shit on them."
In 44 BC, the Greek tyrant Euclid Vocation was often ridiculed for the
practice of carrying around a pet chicken on a leash at all times. A popular
burial custom of the time was to entomb the corpse of the deceased in rubber,
and when Vocation's fowl met a foul demise, the tyrant followed the custom to
create the world's first rubber-encased chicken. In 40 BC, the ruler fell out
of favor with his subjects, and was exiled by being pelted with hundreds of
rubber chickens. (Historical footnote: Vocation's successor, Enemus O'Grady,
was driven from office while being pelted by rubber ostriches. This practice
led to the origin of the word "ostrasized"; before this, the word in common
usage was "chickisized" One should not confuse this with the practice of
exiling a ruler by pelting them with gold nuggets ("midasized")).
The rubber chicken fell from vogue until 1709, when the governor of the
American colony, Chulisburg, took office. The governor, Robert Chiggen, was
ridiculed by his opponents for bearing a monicker phonetically similar to
"rubber chicken". Konstantin Sanchez, a local trader, entertainer, and Pagan
missionary, was a strong opponent of Chiggen, and obtained a moderate rubber
shipment while visiting Jamaica to obtain rum to trade with the colonies. He
crafted this rubber into the effigy of a dead chicken, and used it in a stage
show as part of the following gag: "What's 5'11", weighs 12 stone, and has
extremely small genitalia?" After the audience pondered the riddle, Sanchez
would pull the rubber chicken from his pants, amidst torrents of laughter.
Unfortuneately, Sanchez was shot by a musket-wielding sniper two weeks later
on charges of tax evasion and conspiracy to commit colostomy.
Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want anyone to know
he's been fucking chickens.
IBM, working with Cray, finally developed the greatest computer
ever known to mankind, with power infinately exceeding that of the human mind.
They switched it on and were having quite a time getting all the answers to
the mysteries of the universe. Finally they decided to ask it if there was a
god. It's answer: "There is now!"
Q. Whats the difference between a hobo and a homo?????
A. A hobo has no friends at all...where as a homo has friends up the ass!!!!
Two Jewish men were walking down the street, and passed a church. There was a
sign: $1000 FOR THE FIRST JEW WHO CONVERTS.
They drew lots to see which of them would fake a conversion to gain the money.
Abie won, and Jake waited for him on the stoop. An hour passed. Two hours
passed. Three hours passed. Finally, Abie (henceforth called Thomas) left the
church.
"Vell, did you convoit?"
"Yes"
"You now a goy?"
"Yes"
"Did you get the tousand bucks?"
"Money, money, money, that's all you Jews think about."
Gimme a blowjob and I'll owe ya one!
Confucious say: Women who slide down banister, make monkey shine!
CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE....... The average
cucumber is at least six inches long. Cucumbers stay hard for a
week. A cucumber won't tell you size don't count. Cucumbers
don't get TOO excited. A cucumber never suffers from
performance anxiety.
*************
Cucumbers are easy to pick up. You can fondle cucumbers in a
supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it
home.
*************
Cucumbers can get away any weekend. With a cucumber you can get
a single room and you won't have to check in as 'Mrs
Cucumber'. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
You can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie. At a
drive in you can stay in the front seat. A cucumber can always
wait until you get home. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.
A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival.
*************
A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?' Cucumbers don't care
wheather you're a virgin. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers
you're a virgin. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a
virgin. With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than
once. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on men's room
wall. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups. Cucumbers won't ask:
'Am i the best','How was it?' 'Did you come?', 'How many
times?' Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski
instructer or hair dresser. Cucumbers won't ask about your last
lover or speculate about your next one. A cucumber will never
make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the
refrigerator. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator
when your mother comes over. No matter how old you are you can
always get a fresh cucumber.
*************
Cucumbers can handle rejection. A cucumber won't pout if you
have a headache. A cucumber won't care what time of the month
it is. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
wet. A cucumber won't give it up for lent. With a cucumber, you
never have to say your sorry.
**************
Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest
or drool on the pillow. A cucumber will never give you a
hickey. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won't have to
sleep in the wet spot.
***************
A cucumber won't work your crossword in ink. A cucumber isn't
allergic to your cat. Cucumbers never answer your phone or
borrow your car. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink
all your liquor. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a
library. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest. A
cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, rool-on or hairspray.
Cucumbers won't leave dirty shorts on the floor. A cucumber
never forgets to flush the toilet. A cucumber doesn't flush the
toilet while you're in the shower. With a cucumber, the toilet
seat is always the way you left it.
*************
Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold. Cucumbers won't
tell you they liked you better with long hair. A cucumber will
never leave you for another man, another woman or another
cucumber. You will always know where your cucumber has been. A
cucumber never has to call 'the wife'. Cucumbers won't tell you
a vasectomy will ruin it for them. You can have as many
cucumbers as you can handle. You only eat cucumbers when you
feel like it. You don't have to wait for halftime to talk to
your cucumber. A cucumber won't leave town on New Years Eve.
Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom. Cucumbers never
expect you to have little cucumbers.
*************
It's easy to drop a cucumber. A cucumber will never contest a
divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of
anything.
just remember: "A mind is a terrible thing"
Today's words of wisdom...
A truely wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
I shouldn't waste time telling you the joke about the
ceiling. It's probably over your head.
And I will not waste time telling you the joke about the
floor.
It's beneath me.
And I won't tell you the joke about the wall....you'll never get over it!
There once was a girl from Hoboken,
Who said that her cherry was broken,
From riding her bike
On a cobblestone pike,
When in fact it was broken from pokin'!
What do you call a Greek guy with 29 girlfriends?
A shepard.
Rodney says that he first realized that his parents didn't like him when he
got a toaster and a radio as bathtub toys.
A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the
deal is and the man says that the gorilla has been specially trained so that
when he hits the animal in the jaw, he gives him a blow job. The bartender
doesn't believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in
the face. The gorilla gets up, brushes himself off, and gives the man a BJ.
He has to perform the whole trick again for the barkeep, who still doesn't
believe it. The man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it.
"Sure," he says, "just don't hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla."
The buisnessman took the young secretary to a motel room. The girl
seemed shy and inexperienced, so the man decided he would be her
tutor in the arts of love. He began by running his hands over her
chest. do you know what I'm doing? he asked? no she replied...
I'm fondling your breasts. Then he moved his hand down to the
soft V between her legs and asked. Do you know what I'm doing now?
When she replied, no, he explained he was caressing her clitoris.
Then he became so aroused that he spread her legs and thrust his
penis into her. Do you know what I'm doing now? he panted...
Yes she responded cooly. You're catching herpes......
A whore came into a bar and saw a real ugly guy sitting at the bar.
She said to the bartender, "gee, that guy's the ugliest guy I ever saw!"
--"Send him a drink on me!"
They finally got together and she propositions him. He says, "great,
but I'm kinky"
She says "great--I love kinky men. I won't charge you anything"
Over at her house he tells her to get naked and do a headstand up against
the wall facing it. She does
She says "give it to me, baby!"
She hears the clunk, clunk of the belt buckle and the clomp clomp of
the shoes...and after five minutes wondered what was going on.
She said, "I'm so excited by waiting. Give it to me"
He said, "I already did!"
She turned her red face around on the floor and said, "you did?! what
did you do?"
He said, "I told you I was kinky. I shit in your purse!"
A rich oilman had just married the very young virgin daughter of a horse
rancher. On their honeymoon they went East, ie New York. As they were checking
in, the oilman looked at his young bride and asked her,
"Do you want the bridal suite?"
She replied, "No, I'll just hold on to your hair 'til I get used to it."
the young woman came to the usa from france. she returned home because she
missed her native tongue.
a nun and a priest were traveling through the north african desert to
establish an outpost of civilized religion among the heathens. after some
five days of travel without passing water they began to dehydrate. even the
camel they were riding began to falter. finally the camel died and they ran
out of water and they were faced with death . they talked about their end
in a far off lonely place. they had no way of getting back to civilization
without the camel. as they began to talk of impending death the priest
said, "sister, i have never in my life seen the naked body of a woman.
would you let me see your's?"
the nun replied "yes." and thereupon she stripped and the priest looked at
her body with curiosity. the nun said, "father, i too have been curious
about the human body and i have never seen the nude body of the opposite
sex. may i see yours?" the priest said "if that is your last wish i
will gladly accede." he stripped and the nun looked at his body and stared
at his tool. the priest noticed her starring at it and took it in his hand
and said "this is the part of a man that gives life." the nun
replied "then why the hell don't you use it on the camel."
Guy goes into a doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. After a
few minutes, he hears a series of screams and moans from the examining
rooms, followed by a hastily departing nun. Moments later the doctor
appears, with an immensely satisfied grin on his face.
Man: "What on earth happened back there?"
Doc: "I just told Sister Mary she was pregnant."
Man: "Goodness, is she?"
Doc: "Of course not."
Man: "Well then, that was an awful thing to say!"
Doc: "On the contrary, it cured her hiccups."
Bruce and Lance (or is it Lanth?) were in a plane. Just the two of them plus
the pilot. It was a small, single-engine plane. The engine conked out, and
there were only two parachutes. Bruce said, "Let's take the chutes and jump
out of here."
Lance: "What about the pilot?"
Bruce: "F*ck the pilot."
Lance: "Will we have time?"
I saw a movie recently. It was a police movie. One cop said that the
criminal had a record "as long as my dick". The other cop said,
"never been arrested, then?"
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
"Do you do custom work?" She asks the aritis.
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right
thigh and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside oof my left thigh."
"No Problem." Says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the
table."
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and
examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like either of them!" She exclaims.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly. "and I can prove it." With
that, he runs out the door and grabs the first man he sees. It happens to
be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" The woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you
know who these men are?"
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not
sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is
definitely Willie Nelson!"
Queen Elizabeth and Princess Di were being driven in the royal Rolls to a
gala affair at a country estate. They were, of course, dressed and jeweled
to the teeth.
While traveling the back country roads, they were stopped by a masked, armed
bandit who ordered them and their driver out of the car.
"All right, Queen Elizabeth, hand over your valuable." The bandit demanded.
"My good man, don't be ridiculous. Do you think I'l travel with my jewels
unguarded?"
"All right then, Di," he said, turning to the princess, "let's have yours
then."
"Don't be absurd," she replied, "I don't even walk the palace garden with my
engagement ring!"
Angry and frustrated, the bandit consoled himself by driving off the the
royal car. As he drove away in a cloud of dust, the queen turned to Di and
said, "I'm so glad we had time to hide the jewels in our own private
places."
"Yes," the princess replied. "He never thought to look up our twats."
"It's a pity Margaret didn't come along,
her mother-in-law said, "we could have saved the Rolls, too!"
A traveler stopped to observe the curious behavior of a
farmer who was plowing his field. A single mule hitched to the
plow was wearing blinders, and the farmer was yelling, "Giddyap,
Pete! Giddyap, Herb! Giddyap, Ol' Bill!
Giddyap, Jeb!"
After watching the farmer carry on like this for a while,
the traveler asked, "Say, mister--how many names does that mule
have?"
"Just one--his name is Pete."
"Then why do you call out Herb & Bill & --"
"It's like this," explained the farmer. "If Ol' Pete knew
he was doing all this work alone, I couldn't make him do it. But
if he thinks he's got three other mules workin' alongside of him,
he does the whole job all by himself."
"What a marvelous idea!" exclaimed the traveler. And when
he got back to his corporate office in New York, he invented the
committee.
Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, a young couple was going to get
married. Now in this country, young people knew very little about sex, and
just before the wedding ceremony, another couple was chosen to explain the
'facts' to them.
Now the couple that was chosen were notorious practical jokers, and
they
planned a DOOZY for the bride and groom.
The husband met the groom in the room that was prepared, and said to
him,
"You gotta be careful, 'cause some girls have TEETH down there, and if
you're
not careful, she'll bite off your thing! So test her with your knee first."
The groom, now slightly nervous agreed that, yes, he would.
Meanwhile in another room the wife was talking to the bride about a
similar subject....
"See, those things come in different sizes. You have to watch out for
the big ones; sometimes they are so big that a girl wouldn't survive the
experience, so when he comes at you, put your hand in front of you and see
what size it is first. Men are so full of lust at this moment that they will
not listen to you, so use your fingernails to fight him off."
The ceremony was beautiful, and soon came the honeymoon. The groom
turned off the lights, and they both got undressed and into bed.
Two minutes later screams issued forth from the honeymoon suite.
And they slept separately ever after.
Did you hear that the Tel Aviv National bank was robbed? The criminals got
away with $500 in cash and $25,000 in pledges.
A WOMAN WAS A customer in a bakery and while she was waiting her turn she
idly glanced through the door to the back room of the bakery and watched a
baker in front of an oven while he was working. the baker took a small
piece of dough from a tray, pressed the dough against his belly button and
then threw the piece of dough on to a tray in the oven. the man did this
continuously for several minutes. the woman was the curious type and when
her turn came to be waited on she asked the clerk what the man was doing.
the clerk said the man was shaping pieces of dough into cookies. the woman
opined that this was not very sanitary. the clerk said, " if you think
that is unsanitary you should see him when he makes the bagels."
pon this supermarket
and proceeded to shop. When he got to the checkout,the clerk was ringing up
his items, when the old man said, " Dammit I almost forgot, do you have any,
uh, toilet paper?" The clerk said "Of course" and the old man said "What is
the cheapest kind ya got?" The clerk replied, "Well that would be the generic
brand." "What's Generic?!?" said the old man. The clerk answered,"Oh, you
know that is the no-name brand over there." So the old man bought some of it
and left. A week later he returned and said to the clerk,"Ya know, I got a
name for that there no-name toilet paper." "Really?"questioned the clerk.
"Yeah, John Wayne Toilet Paper-----It's rough and tough and it don't take no
shit offa nobody!!"
Miss. kadowski is at the dentist and he says "Oh, I think i'm gonna have
to pull a tooth!" she says "well Ya know i think id rather have a baby!"
he says "well make up your mind i have to adjust the chair!"
Why hasn't President Bush been invited to Israel? Because the last time the
Israelites talked to a bush, they got lost in the wilderness for 40 years!
Man walks out of his bosses office, his pants are torn in back, and his
ass is gone.
A co-worker sees this, and says "I see you had another chat with the boss,
again!!!"
Guy's watching TV one night and his picture goes to hell. He goes
outside to check his antenna, sees a gorilla hanging on it, bouncing
up & down. Goes back in the house,starts flipping through the phone
book looking for help. Runs across an ad for an exterminator that says:
"We specialize in gorilla removal". Calls. Guy shows up at the house a
little while later,looks and says: "Yep, you've got a gorilla on your
roof". Goes back to his truck and gets: a ladder, a pair of handcuffs,
a Doberman and a shotgun. Leans the ladder up against the house & gives
the homeowner the handcuffs and the shotgun. "I'm going to go up and
wrestle the gorilla - I'll throw him off, and when he hits the ground,
the dog will grab him by the balls, then you slap the cuffs on him,
got it?" The exterminator starts up the ladder. " Wait," says the
homeowner, "What is the shotgun for?" "Well if the gorilla throws ME
off the roof, SHOOT THE DOG !!!!"
Otis and Leroy apply for a truck driving job. The dispatcher says:
"But I only need ONE driver". Otis says: "This here's my brother Leroy,
he's my relief driver, one of us drives while the other one sleeps.
Won't cost you any more than for one." The dispatcher says: "OK Otis,
come with me". He takes him into another room, interviews him, then
says: " Suppose you were driving down a mountain road and your brakes
went, what would you do?" "Well, I'd downshift". "Let's suppose there
was a car stopped in front of you". "Well, I'd downshift and look for
a place to run off the road." "Suppose there was a sheer cliff on one
side, a stone wall on the other and a school bus full of small children
stopped ahead, THEN what would you do ?" "Well, I'd reach back in the
sleeper and wake up Leroy." "What the hell would you wake up your
brother for???" " 'Cause he ain't never seen a wreck like the one we
about to have!"
Who killed more indians than General Custer?
Union Carbide.
Anyone who says "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush", hasn't
been putting his bird in the right bushes.
Why are there no black nuns? They simply cannot put "Superior" after Mother.
A black and a polack run into a tunnel together. Which one will come out
first? The polack. The black will stop to write "Mother Fucker" on the
walls.
Subject: Re: AN APPEAL FOR CLEAN JOKES
Ernest Schicklegruber's Veteranary Clinic and Taxidermy:
EITHER WAY YOU GET YOUR DOG BACK.
How are women like screen doors?
...after you bang them a few times, they loosen up.
Why aren't bird dogs allowed in the White House? Because they keep chasing
the Quayle and pissing on the Bushes!
A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight. When an
attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like cocktails, the rabbi
said,"yes, I'd like a Manhattam, please."
"no thank you," the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate. "As
a priest, I can't drink or fornicate."
"Wait a second,"the rabbi said, standing and waiving at the flight
attendant. "I didn't know I had a choice."
Seems there was this fellow who frequented whore houses, and had a very
unusual way of gratification. One day, he went into the local house, and asked
the Madam, for her most accomodating girl. He was told to ask for Suzie. They
went up into the room, where the man had Suzie strip and lay on the bed. He
then got on the bed. squated over her, and shit on her chest. Paid his money
and left. Soon ,he bagan to visit every week. Became a regualr. Each visit,
the same thing happened.
One day, he came to call on Suzie, horny as a heathen, but also constipated as
a crippled coon. After he squatted over Suzie all he could manage was a high,
shrill fart. Suzie began to cry uncontrollably. Looking up at the man, with
teared filled eyes said, "You don't love me anymore....."
Theres two guys riding a camel in the dessert. One guy has wicked chapped lips
and the other guys lips are fine. so they come to a stop and the guy with the
chapped lips is checking out the other guy putting his hand in the camels ass
and rubbing shit on his lips. so they start going again and the next time they
stop the guy with the chapped lips puts his hand in the camel and rubs it on
his lips. and asked the guy if there is some kind of magic to camel shit. The
guy turns and says to him no it just keeps me from licking my lips.
Virginity can be cured.
Love your neighbor ... but don't get caught.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
What was the last thing to go through a fly's mind as it hit the windshield of
the oncoming car?
His ass.
Two nuns are riding their bicycles toward the convent when
one nun says to the other nun "Gee, I've never come this way
before". The other nun replies "I know, it's the
cobblestones".
Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area. One day the mother superior
called in the teenagers who were about to leave. "You're going into a
sinful world," she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage
of you. They'll buy you drinks and dinner, take you to their
apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you. Then they'll
give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."
"Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said. "You mean men will take
advantage of us and give us money?"
"Yes child. Why do you ask?"
"Because the priests only give us candy."
What is a four letter work ending in "K" that means the
same as intercourse?
What is it that a man does standing up, a woman does
sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?
Shakes Hands.
What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two
of?
Legs!
And I hate the signs above some
restaurant doors that say "Doors to remain unlocked during business hours."
Hey, what genius thought of this? Maybe some resturaunt found
out that more costumers come in when the doors arn't locked. Actually,
the tradition was started when a polish resturaunt owner found that
keeping his doors unlocked was easier then giving everybody keys.
The Sex-Ed teacher showed her third grade class a movie of a baby being
born. One little girl shrieked,"Yuck...that's GROSS. I'm sure glad I was
adopted."
A newfie walks into a little grocery store one day, steps up to the
clerk, and asks where he can get a can of cat food.
"Well, where's your cat?" inquired the clerk.
"He's at home," replied the newfie.
"Well, hey, then, I can't sell you any cat food! Sorry!..."
The newfie, a little confused, walks out the door. He returns
the next day, asking for a couple of cans of dog food.
"Where's your dog?"
"He's at home."
"Sorry, can't sell you the dog food."
The newfie leaves, returning the next day, with a paper bag in
hand. "Here." He holds the bad up to the clerk. "Feel inside here."
"What is this? It's kinda mushy, a little wet..."
"Uh, yeah... Can I have a couple rolls of toilet paper now?"
"Bless me father for I have sinned. I stole some lumber."
"All is forgiven. For your penance I want you to make a novena."
"Anything you want father. If you got the plans, I got the wood."
The young nun complained to the mother superior about the language that
workmen repairing the convent were using.
Mother superior:"Don't worry. They simply call a spade a spade."
Young nun:"No they don't. They call it a fucking shovel."
Ever hear the black high school cheer?
Pineapple watermellon cadillac car
we're not as dumb as you think we is.
There was a boy and his dog hitching a ride . The next
car to stop said he would take the boy but not the dog. His response
was that was OK the dog would run along side the car! The driver
thought sure he will. The car was going thirty five and the driver
asked where the dog was? The boy looked out and said right here.
The driver speeded up to fourty five and asked where the dog was?
The same response right here. The driver speeded up to seventy five
and said where is that dam dog now? The boy looked out and said right
here. The driver locked up the brakes slid to a hault and said where
is that dog now. Right here. The driver can't believe it he looks forHimself and says he sure is butat is that red ring around his neck.
The boy said that was his asshole he was not used to stopping that
fast!
Kinda like super glue on your fingers when you havta piss.....
Did you hear the one about the free prostitution ring?
Oh well, at least they give a fuck.
Q. Whats the lightest thing in the world???
A. A penis...Even a thought can raise it!!!!
This guy goes in to the doctor.
"Doc, my life's ruined. I want to be a Polock"
And the doctor replies, "Well, for that we'll have to remove 1/3 of your
brain"
"Hell, why not?"
So about a week later he's on the operating table and the doctor was working
away. Suddenly he slipped. And the scalpel ended up taking out 3/4 of his
brain.
When the patient awoke, the doctor apologized and explained what had happend.
"I'm truly sorry. While operating, I accidentally took out 3/4 of your brain"
"You jivin' me?" the patient replied.
"There's no fool like an owed fool."
A blind guy was standing at a street corner with his seeing eye dog when the
dog hiked his leg and proceeded to take a leak on the blind guys pants leg.
The blind guy then reaches in his pants and gets a doggy biscuit and hands it
down to the dog. A woman passing by saw this indidence and walked up to the
man and said' "NO! you should'nt give your dog a reward! He just pissed on
your pants." The blind guy says, "I ani't tring to reward him, I'm tring to
find his face so I can kick him in the ass!"
Q: did you here about the polok who died drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on him.
There was this guy who was hunting close to a barn. Suddently, a wild duck
flies out from it's hiding place... the hunter aims and shoots... BINGO! A
perfect hit, with the exception that the duck ended up INSIDE the barn.
HE looks around checking for guard-dogs and since he doesn't see any, he jumps
the fence and goes towards a cabin in the barn to pick up his prize.
As he bends to pick up his duck, a redneck steps out of the cabin and yells at
him: Hey! Leave that duck alone! What the hell are you doing inside my
property!?
The hunter explains to him that the duck is his since he shot it down. They
end up having a discussion about who will end up with the duck.
Then the redneck says to the other guy: "Ok, let's settle this the local
way..."
The hunter asks how does that work, and the redneck replies: "We kick each
other in the groin, as hard as we can, until one can't get up. THe one who can
ends up with the duck, ok?"
THe hunter agreeds, and asks who will go first. The redneck claims to be first
since they are in the barn. After grinding his teeth, the hunter says ok.
The redneck takes a swing and kicks the hunter... the hunter is in the floor
now, screaming his head out and rolling in the grass like he's been eated
alive by fireants.
After ten minutes of _REAL_ intense pain, the hunter, panting, get's on his
feet and says: "My turn now!"
THe redneck replies while smoking grss: "Naw... you can keep the duck!
What do you get when you cross a woman's pussy with a lemon?
-
a sour puss
and remember give the gift that keeps on giving ...
a female kitten :-) :-) :-) :-)
"Mary, Have you been X-rayed?" asked the Doctor.
"Nope, but I've been ultra-violated."
In rural Wisconsin, a womans son called early in the morning. He asked, "If
I bring some eggs may I have breakfast with you?"
Her instant response was, "Yes, of course. Come right over."
A moment later, she said, "By the way, who is this?"
A kid went in to see his grandfather. "Grandpa, can you imitate a frog?"
"Of course I can!"
"Will you do it for me now?"
"Why do you want me to imitate a frog for you right now?"
"Because Dad always said that we can go to Disney World when you croak!"
An old man goes into the S.S. Office and apply's. To old to have a birth
certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and
shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that as proof ( yeah I
know but if I don't say that the joke can't work ) He goes home to his wife
show's her the check, and explains what happened. " Well get back down there,
pull down your pant's and see if you can get Disability!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The shortest book in the world is the book of Italian
War Heroes.
M.D. on phone: " You've got a bowling ball stuck on your WHAT???"
When a 12 year old boy has his first hard-on, it often leads to a
Pullet's Surprise!.
Once upon a time there was a woman who wanted bigger tits. All of a
sudden her fairy godmother appeared and said "every time a man says
pardon to you your tits will grow an inch." Happily she went to a
Chinese restrant and on her way she bumped into a policeman and he
said "Pardon me, madam" and her tits grew an inch. When she got to
the restrant she tripped and fell into a Chinese waiter and he replied
"I beg you a 1000 pardons madam"
The next day the newspaper headlines read "CHINESE WAITER KILLED BY TWO
TORPEDOES."
My husband and I are from Washington State,
he had a Tee shirt that reads
"Washingtonians don't tan, they rust."
There was a kid named Johnny in kindergarten. His father was real
bad around him with swear words, so Johnny picked up in them and had
the worst mouth at school. One day, the teacher was going through
the alphabet, asking students for objects that started with that
letter. The teacher asked for a word that started with the letter
"A", and Johnny raised his hand. She thought for a minute, then
called on Mary because there were too many bad words that started
with the letter "A". Mary said "Apple". Then the teacher said "B".
Johnny raised his hand, but yet the teacher called on Stevie, and he
said "ball". Finally, when the teacher got to the letter "R", Johnny
raised his hand, and she called on him. (she couldn't think of any
bad words for the letter "R") Johnny stood up and said, "R,
hmmmm.... A rat, a muther fucking rat with a dick this big!!"
(Spreading his arms apart as far as he can)
A little Jewish boy was a really terrible student. Very disruptive in class
and a real discipline case. His loving parents took him out of the public
school and he lasted two days there before he was expelled. They put him in a
Jewish day school and lasted three days. They put him in a military
boarding school, and he was the first pupil ever expelled from it. He lasted a
week.
Finally, out of desperation, his parents put him in a Catholic school. A week
passed. Two weeks passed. A semester passed. All was well. His mother had a
meeting with her son's teacher.
"Mrs. Levy, Abie is a wonderful boy," Sr. Mary said.
Mrs. Levy went home and spoke to Abie.
"Son, how come you get expelled from all those other schools, but
in the Catholic school you are a little angel?"
"Well, mom, I walked into the school, saw a picture of some guy nailed
up on a cross, and figured here they mean business!"
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on,
Unless you are a fly sitting on a toilet seat.
Then you don't want to get pissed off.
God made Adam first.
But then, you always make the rough draft before the final copy.
Wouldn't it be interesting if after all those years together the Lone Ranger
finally found out that Kemo Sabe means shit head?
humm... I heard it like this :
.... and the wolf sez "I'm going to EAT you !", and Little Red Riding Hood
says "Jesus Christ ! doesn't anybody fuck any more ?".
WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING ADAM SAID TO EVE?????
BACK UP!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG THIS THING GETS!
You want a joke, look at my paycheck.
There was this black guy who was a janitor at a factory. Everyday at
quitting time, the workers would see this guy pushing a wheel barrow full of
aluminum cans to his house. This routine went on for a couple of months. Then
one day when the factory was shutting down, the janitor drives by in a brand
new Cadillac. Amazed at this, one of the wokers yelled, "Hey man how did you
pay for that car? Did all of them cans bring enough money to pay for it?"
The janitor smiled and said, "No, it was all them wheel barrows!!"
Why doesn't Preparation H sell well in Iran?
Because the country is loaded with perfect assholes!!
A 75 year old man was accused of raping a 19 year old girl,but they had to
dismiss the case The
evidence would not stand up in court!
Two spinsters of middling years were walking down a street one evening when
out of an alley jumped a very large, very fierce looking man. The man grabbed
the first spinster, dragged her in the alley, raped her at his leisure, and
threw her out, panting and gasping in the street.
"Oh my God," says the first spinster between gasps, "how am I going to explain
to the police that I got raped twice in one night?"
"What do you mean twice?" asked the second.
Replied the first: "Well we *are* coming back this way, aren't we?"
My old Uncle Bob had a job in the circus circumcising elephants.....he didn't
make much money, but the tips were big....
Also, a cement mixer collided with a prison vehicle carrying convicts.
They're looking for 7 hardened criminals.
what do you get when you cross a hooker and a pitbull?
your last blowjob.
ok,
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a school bus?
A: The porcupine's pricks are all on the inside.
What did the Elephannt say to the naked man???
How In the hell can you breath through that thing
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
This story appeared in the paper, so it may be true.
This old man who has been arrested many times for indecent exposure, was
arrested again this past weekend.
One of the policemen ask the old man if he thought it was time to retire. The
old man said,
"Nawww....I think I'll stick it out for another year or so"
What's the most common bra size at the Senior Citizens' Home?
38 Long.
Did you hear about the Arab who was so fat that when he died, no coffin could
fit him?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.......
I finally got it all together.
But, I forgot where I put it.....
My Cat committed suicide, he shot himself, nine times!
......what word begins with F and ends with
UCK?
FiretrUCK
Two ladys from Texas were walking down the street when they happened
to see this big bull frog in the street. Bullfrog says: Kiss me and
I'll Turn into a handsome oil tycoon. The two look at each other then
the better looking (and smarter I may add) picked the frog up and put
him in her purse. The other lady, puzzled, looked at her friend and
asked, "aren't ya gonna kiss um?" The other lady replied "shoot no,
with the price of gas, a talking frog is worth millions more".
Remember:
Puberty is a hair raising experience..........
The Pope, in Poland wanted to do something so that he would be remembered when
he's gone..
So, he called on all his advisors, and they told him that he should build a
bridge..this way every time someone would go over it, they would remember him
by the name of the bridge.
"Excellent Idea," said the Pope.. "I must get my architects and builders on
it right away!"
...time went on...the polish architects designed the most beautiful bridge you
had ever seen, and it was built by the builders in record time...a most
beautiful sight...
The pope, upon meeting with the foreman said "Congratulations on your job..I
hear that the bridge is beautiful..what river did you build it over? "
"River? " asked the foreman, "we didn't build it over any river."
"Oh...where did you build it then? " asked the pope?
"In the Sahara Desert." said the foreman.
"In the Sahara Desert??? Noone will go over it there...Tear it down
immediately!!!! "
The foreman answered "sorry, we can't, there are 500 Irishmen fishing off it"
3 nuns were killed in an automobile accident. Their souls were
transported to heaven. Upon reaching the Pearly Gates, they demanded
entrance to which St. Peter replied, "I don't care if you are nuns, you
must display your biblical knowledge before entrance can be granted."
So, St. Peter asks the 1st nun, "Who was the 1st man?". The nun
replies, "Adam!". Well, the hallelujah chorus starts singing and the
Pearly Gate opens to allow her entrance.
St. Peter asks the 2nd nun, "Who was the 1st woman?". The nun replies,
"Oooh, that's easy...it was Eve!". Again, the hallelujah chorus starts
singing and the Pearly Gate opens to allow her entrance.
St. Peter then addresses the 3rd nun, "Okay...we know Adam was the 1st
man and Eve was the 1st woman, but can you tell me what the 1st words
Eve said to Adam were?". The nun, thinking aloud, said, "Oooh, that's
a hard one." The hallelujah chorus started singing and the Pearly
Gates opened.
What does a coke bottle in Poland say on the bottom? A- Open other end.
An Air Force General, an Army General, and a Navy Admiral were bragging about
which of the services were the toughest, and had the most balls...
The Admiral, pointing to a ship pulling in to port, shouted to a
sailor, "Sailor. Jump in and stop that ship." - The sailor jumped into the water
in front of the ship, got plowed under, and chopped to bits by the props. The
admiral turned to the other two and stated, "That took some balls; I think
that shows that the Navy is the toughest of the armed forces."
The Army General, pointing to a tank rolling across the fields,
shouted to a soldier, "Soldier. Run over there and stop that tank." The
soldier jumped in front of the tank, and became part of the ground under the
tanks treads. The General turned to the other two and stated, "That took more
balls and proves that the Army is the toughest of the armed forces."
The Army General and the Admiral turned to the Air Force General and
claimed that nothing he could do would convince them that the Air Force was
tougher than the Army or Navy...
The Air Force General pointed to a F-16 rolling down a runway, "You
see that F-16 over there?" He then called to an Airman, "Airman. Get out
there one that runway and stop that F-16."
The Airman turned to the General and said, "Fuck you, you crazy
bastard. You stop the damned plane yourself!"
The Air Force General turned to the other two, and with a look of
satisfaction said, "Now that took REAL BALLS!"
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
A deaf, dumb, blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store
"Hey, Cyn, know the difference between fried chicken and a
penis?"
"No."
"Wanna go on a picnic?"
Did you know that the horse is the symbol of the Teamsters?
It's the only animal that sleeps standing up.
Reminds me of an incident with my next door neighbor...I told her I sure wish
I could get a little pussy and she said "So do I, mine's big as a syrup
bucket."
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on
her first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my
virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen
sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable
experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
What happen's to girls who are looking for trouble?
They usually get a belly full!
Two aged child molestors are sitting on a bench in the park reminiscing. The
one says, "You know, I once had a 9 year old with the body of a 4 year old!"
There were these THREE people sitting on an airplane. A fly comes
flying in and lands on the America. He flicks it off, and it flys
around some more and lands on the Jew. The jew flicks it off and it
lands on the Arabian. He picks it up and EATS it!
Another fly comes buzzing in the airplane...it lands on the
American guy's shoulder again...he flicks it off, and it flies around
and lands on the Jew's shoulder...The Jew picks it up and says to the
Arabian,"Ya wanna buy a fly?"
This is the Humor Echo.... if you don't have anything
funny to say, then don't say it here!
.
Otherwise, you guys just come across as a Shit Salesman
with a Sample in your mouth!!!
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