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Numerous assorted jokes
Subject: STINGY POLACK
ONCE UPON A TIME A GENTLEMAN CAME HERE FROM WARSAW. HE WAS VERY HARDWORKING
AND PENURIOUS. HE AWOKE IN THE MORNING AND IMMEDIATELY WENT TO WORK. HE
WORKED HARD ALL DAY LONG AND AFTER WORK HE WENT HOME, ATE SUPPER AND
IMMEDIATELY WENT TO BED TO GET SOME SLEEP SO HE COULD GO TO WORK THE NEXT DAY.
HE NEVER ENJOYED LIFE AND HE SAVED EVERY PENNY HE EARNED FOR MANY YEARS.
ONE DAY, AFTER MANY YEARS IN AMERICA, HE DECIDED TO ENJOY LIFE IN AMERICA AND
HE WENT TO THE CORNER TAVERN TO DO SOME VERY SERIOUS DRINKING. AFTER A FEW
BEERS HE BECAME QUITE GARRULOUS AND STARTED TALKING TO NOBODY IN PARTICULAR.
HE SAID, " IN AMERICA IS EVERYTHING CRAZY COCKEYE BACKWARDS. NEXT STORE BY
ME IN BEEG STILL MILL IS WORKIT GREAT BIG FATS GUY. IS EVERYBODY CALLING HIM
SKINNY. IS COCKEYE BACKWARDS. NEXT STORE BY ME IN BEEG STILL MILL ON ODDER
BENCH ON ODDER SIDE IS WORKIT LITTLE SKINNY GUY SKINNY LIKE TOOTPICK. IS CALL
HIM FATSO BY EVERYBODY. IS BACKWARDS CRAZY COCKEYE IN AMERICA. I WORKIT ALL
DAY LONG AND GO HOME AND GO HOME SLEEPIT EVERY DAY. NEVER GO BY WHOREHOUSE
AND NEVER TOUCH WOMANS. WHY IS EVERY BODY CALL ME FUCKIN POLACK?"
Subject: RETAILERS JOKE
Old hooker walks into tavern and says, "hey bartender. You wanna get
fucked?" the old bartender says "yup. i would enjoy that." so the old
hooker says, "Then cash my check."
Subject: DOGS
TWO FEMALE DOGS WERE STANDING ON A STREET CORNER NEXT TO A FIRE PLUG SHOOTING
THE BREEZE AND ON DOG SAID TO THE OTHER DOG "WHEN HE CAME POKING AROUND WITH
THAT COLD NOSE OF HIS I REALLY LET HIM HAVE IT."
Subject: GOLDSTEIN'S GIFT
ONCE UPON A TIME, MANY CENTURIES AGO, THE GOOD KING WENCESLAUS WAS SITTING IN
HIS THRONE ROOM ON HIS BIRTHDAY DRESSED IN THE FINEST OF HIS REGAL FINERY
AWAITING TOKENS OF LOVE AND FEALTY FROM HIS LOYAL SUBJECTS.
THERE WAS A BLARE OF TRUMPETS AND HE LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW. THERE WAS A
FORTY HORSE DROSHKY AT THE DRAWBRIDGE HAULING A SHIPPING CRATE ABOUT 16 FEET
SQUARE. IT WAS AN OVERSIZE LOAD SO THE PALACE JANITOR BROUGHT OUT A THREE
STAGE FORK LIFT TO GET IT ACROSS THE MOAT AND INTO THE PALACE. WHEN IT WAS
BROUGHT INTO THE THRONE ROOM THE PALACE CHAMBERLAIN BROUGHT THE SHIPPING
MANIFEST TO THE KING AND TOLD THE KING THAT THE SHIPMENT CAME FROM GOLDSTEIN'S
DRYGOODS STORE. THE KING RUBBED HIS HANDS IN GLEE AND HAD VISIONS OF BARS OF
GOLD OR BIG BOXES OF DIAMONDS. HE COMMANDED THE PALACE CARPENTER TO BRING
HIS SKILLSAW TO THE THRONE ROOM AND OPEN THE CRATE. WHEN THE CRATE WAS
OPENED THERE WAS A SLIGHTLY SMALLER CRATE INSIDE. AND SO IT WENT. INSIDE
OF EACH CRATE WAS A SLIGHTLY SMALLER CRATE. FORTY FIVE CRATES LATER THERE
WAS A SHOEBOX WITH A SHIPPING TAG ATTACHED WHICH SAID, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR
KING. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH THIS."
WHEN THE BOX WAS OPENED THERE LAY A LARGE UNRIPE BANANA. THE KING WAS FURIOUS.
HE SAID,"WHO THE FUCK DOES GOLDSTEIN THINK HE IS. HIS SENSE OF HUMOR STINKS.
HE IS RUDE, CRUDE, INSULTING AND HE LACKS COUTH IN HIS RELATIONS WITH ROYALTY.
TELL THE CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD TO TAKE FIFTY MEN, GO ACROSS THE STREET TO
GOLDSTEIN'S DRYGOOD STORE AND SHOVE THIS BANANA UP GOLDSTEIN'S ASS AND SEE HOW
HE LIKES IT. AND TELL THE CAPTAIN TO LET ME KNOW GOLDSTEIN'S REACTION.
THE CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD WAS SUMMONED FORTHWITH AND GIVEN THE BANANA
AND HIS INSTRUCTIONS BY THE COURT CHAMBERLAIN. HE WENT WITH HIS FIFTY MEN TO
GOLDSTEIN'S DRYGOODS STORE ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE PALACE. GOLDSTEIN WAS
GRABBED BY THE SCRUFF OF HIS NECK, LAID ACROSS THE COUNTER, AND HIS PANTS
WERE PULLED DOWN TO THE ANKLES. THE CAPTAIN EXPLAINED WHAT WAS COMING OFF AND
TOLD HIM THAT THE KING WAS REALLY PISSED OFF AT GOLDSTEIN'S SENSE OF HUMOR.
AS THE CAPTAIN BEGAN TO SHOVE THE BANANA UP GOLDSTEIN'S ASS GOLDSTEIN STARTED
LAUGHING LIKE A HYENA. THE CAPTAIN SAID "I GOT TO TELL THE KING THAT YOU
ARE LAUGHING AT HIM AND YOU ARE VERY DISRESPECTFUL. THE KING WILL REALLY BE
PISSED OFF AND IT WILL BE ALL THE WORSE FOR YOU."
GOLDSTEIN TOLD HIM THAT HE RESPECTED THE KING, THAT IT HURT LIKE
HELL AND THAT HE WAS NOT LAUGHING AT THE KING. THE CAPTAIN ASKED , "IF IT
HURTS SO GODDAM BAD AND YOU REALLY RESPECT THE KING, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT AT A TIME LIKE THIS." GOLDSTEIN SAID,"I AM ONLY LAUGHING
AT FINKELSTEIN." THE CAPTAIN WAS EXCEEDINGLY CURIOUS AND ASKED, " WHY
ARE YOU THINKING OF FINKELSTEIN AT A TIME LIKE THIS WITH A BANANA GOING UP
YOUR ASS?" GOLDSTEIN ANSWERED, I AM LAUGHING
AT FINKELSTEIN BECAUSE HE SENT THE KING A PINEAPPLE."
There was a young fellow named Trent,
Who's dick was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble
He folded it double,
And instead of coming, he went.
There was a young lady from France
Who decided she'd just "take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
Why do gay guys wear mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.
> "So other than that, Mrs. Lincoln. How did you enjoy the play?"
>
So other than that Mr. Custer, how did the battle go?
A girl joined a nudist colony where they only make love with their eyes.
*HOW* did she get pregnant????
*OBVIOUSLY*, one of the guys was cock-eyed!!!
Delta airlines has announced a new policy. Small ugly dogs names (whatever
the hell its name is) may ride in first class, but over the hill hungarian
actresses must ride with the baggage. or something to that effect.
And I saw one so fat that if you told her to haul ass she'd have to
make three trips....
Three soldiers in a fox hole in Viet Nam, get killed by a bomb. There was
O'Malley, (Catholic), Smith, (Black), and Goldstein (Jewish).
about 30 minutes later O'Malley crawels into the Sargent's foxhole. The
Sargent, who witnessed the bombing was flabergasted. "I thought you, Smith,
and Goldstein got killed.
"Well", says O'Malley, When we got up to the gates, St. Peter said that
since we were so badly needed for the war effort, he would sent us back if we
paid him $25.00 each. So I paid my $25.00.
"What about Smith and Goldstein?", the sargent asked.
Goldstein's got him down to $12.95 and Smith is still looking for a
co-signer.
What do you call two skunks in the 69 position ???
Answer: Oder eaters !
There was this guy with a very unsightly wooden eye... you could notice it a
mile a way...
OK.. he was at this dance and was looking around to find someone to dance with
him, but nobody would dance with him because he had that wooden eye.
Then he saw this girl sitting all by herself with a disgusting hairlip... he
thought to himself, nobody's gonna ask her to dance so this might be his lucky
day!
He goes up to the girl and says, "would you like to dance?"
She speaks out excitedly, "Would I? WOULD I?"
The man smartly looks her square in face and angrily replies, "Well Fuck you,
HAIRLIP HAIRLIP!"
A QB was bragging how nothing was wrong with him. He went up to the doctor
and said "Doc, if you can find anything wrong with me, I will get you seats on
the fifty yard line at the Superbowl."
The doctor agreed and then started the exaination. He checked his throat,
eyes, ears, reflexs. After he had done just about all he could, he still
didn't find anything wrong with him. Finally the doc said "Roll over".
The QB rolled over and the doctor gave him a rectal examination. "Give up,
Doc. There's nothing wrong with me. Can I go now?"
"Just one more test." Then the doctor stuck the two fingers he'd used for the
rectal exam into the QB's mouth. The QB vomited noisily on the floor.
"Aha!" The doctor said. "A weak stomach!"
How do you screw a fat woman?
Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot!
In the day's of old
When knights were bold
And toilet's weren't invented
They dropped their load
In the road
And walked away contented!
'nuff said,
keith
Del Rio......Isn't that where they have the Radio Ripoff for Christ?
You can hear those suckers all over the South and Southwest! I nearly lost my
van one night when one huckster said:
"An fer every donation of $20 or more you will receive a gen-u-wime
autographed piture of Jeasus Christ hisself"
> Q: How do you find an old man in the dark???????
>
> A: IT'S NOT HARD!!!!!!!
>
I can assist you if you wish to disprove that statement.
OJ:
A Frenchman and an Italian were in the woods hunting one day when
suddenly a voluptuous Blonde woman raced across their path, totally
nude. "Would I love to eat that! Oui, Oui!" the Frenchman said,
smacking his lips.
So the Italian shot her.
gorgeous woman walked past. One man turned to the other and said,
I got bad news today, I found out I am a lesbian in a man's body.
out of the shower and asks " Mom what is that?" pointing at her bush.
Mom answers " Why thats my dish cloth" "Oh" says the little
boy, and he leaves the room.
A couple days later the little boy goes into his Mom's room
again and notices that his mother had shaved her pubic hair off so he asks
"Mom what happend to your dish cloth?". The Mother answers
" I must of lost it some where". The little boy says "Oh" and leaves
the room.
A few days later the little boy runs up to his mom and says
"Mom I found your Dish cloth!!" "Where" asks his mom?
The little boy says " the up stairs Maid has it and shes washing
Daddy's face with it!!"
>If a rooster is facing east on
>a barn roof which slopes to
>the north
>and south, and the wind is
>from the west, which direction
>will the egg fall?
Roosters don't lay eggs!!
A punk climbed aboard a bus and sat down opposite a nun. He pulled a bag of
peanuts out of his pocket and commenced eating them. After shelling a peanut,
he would through the shell at the nun. The bus conductor noticed this and
approached the boy.
"Boy," he said, "Boy, you shouldn't throw those shell at that nun.
She's very depressed at the moment."
"Oh," says the boy, "What's wrong?"
"Well, every Saturday for the past few months, this nun has been going
to the cemetary to pray to the Holy Ghost for a child, and she still hasn't
received and answer.
Thepunk agrees to stop throwing the shells, but he doesn't forget
what the conductor told him. The following Saturday, the punk dresses up in a
sheet and hides behind a headstone. Sure enough, at 6pm, the nun shows up and
starts praying. The punk waits until she finishes then jumps up and shouts,
"Your prayers are answered for I am the Holy Ghost here to give you a child."
"That's wonderful," says the nun, "but this is the wrong time of
the month for me. You'll have to give it to me in the back this week."
The punk is not picky so he agrees. The nun turns around and lifts
her habit out of the way. After the act, the punk throws off the sheet and
says, "Fooled you I'm the punk!"
The nun throws off her habit and says, "fooled you, I'm the bus
conductor."
Q. Whats better than watching a girl wrestle???
A. Watching her box!!!!
Q. Whats the deffinition of a lady???
A. A woman who doesnt drink...doesnt smoke...and only curses when it slips
out!!!
Q: Why do cave men drag their women around by their hair?
A: Because if they drug them around by their feet, they would fill up with
dirt, and that would make them very heavy!
One day there was this elderly old man who lived in
a hosipital. Being Bed-riddn' and all, he had his very
own bed pan.
Well, you see, being old didn't stop the old man from
hitting on all the young nurses. (he was senial (sp?))
Well, one day he made a extremelly gross and smelly mess
in his bed pan. Not wanting the young nurse to come in
and see what he done, He wrapped it up in his sheets and
threw it out the window...
Walking down below comes our little Polock friend. The sheets
land on his head, and he begins struggling to get them off.
He tears at the sheets and rips them, finally getting them off
he stomps up and down on them and takes off running.
The polock races around the corner and ducks into a bar. He
approaches the bar and yells...
"Bartender, Give me a drink, I just beat the shit out
of a ghost."
Kinda like the sign on Denny's front doors that says "No dogs, except for
seeing eye dogs". Who's gonna read it?
#2. there's this redneck who walks into a negro bar.
on his shirt it says 'I hate niggers', 'I hate niggers', 'I hate niggers'.
well on of the bars patrons walks up to him and sez "Yo man wat duz dat shirt
say?" In reply the redneck says, "thats the first time I hate about you
niggers, you can't read". the negro then says "Yo wat did you say". The
redneck then says, "thats the second thing I hate about you niggers you can't
hear". The negro then asks the redneck to step outside and finish it.
Outside, the negro pulls a knife. The redneck then says, "... and thats the
third thing I hate about you niggers, you bring a knife to a gun fight".
I know it's racist, but I heard it from some person. Juan
OJ: Two guys walk into a bar.... which was really stupid of the second guy; he
should have noticed the first one bump his head.
What's white, blue, and red and floats down the river?
Answer: Honky thats been telling nigger jokes!
ONE DAY 2 MEN IN THE ARMY WERE WALKING ALONG AND THEY SAW A DEAD ANIMAL.
SO 1 OF THEM THOUGHT IT WAS A MULE, AND THE OTHER ONE SAID IT WAS A DONKEY.AND
THE 2 MEN ARGUE UNTI
ANOTHER MAN WALKS UP AND TELLS THEM THAT IT IS AN ASS.
THEN HE TELLS THEM TO DIG A HOLE AND BURY IT.
THEN A MAN DRIVES UP IN A JEEP AND SAID "IS THAT A FOXHOLE YOU ARE DIGGING?"
SO THEY SAY "NO, IT IS AN ASSHOLE"
Most Japanese consider politics a private matter, because they don't
like having "erections" in public.
MAN ON PHONE----HELLO ..IS MISS THOMOS IN?
MAID------SHE IS BUSY
MAN ON PHONE-----THIS IS HER HUSBAND GET HER ON THE PHONE IT IS IMPORTANT!
MAID------SHE SAYS SHE IS WITH HER BOYFRIEND AND SHE WILL CALL BACK
MAN ON PHONE-----HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON??
MAID-----ABOUT A MOUNTH
MAN ON PHONE----GO GET MY GUN AND SHOOT THEM
MAID----OH NO I CANT
MAN ON PHONE----DO YOU LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON?
MAID-----NO
MAN ON PHONE----THEN SHOOT THEM
A LONG SILENCE FALLOWED BY BANG! BANG! AND OH NO WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
MAN ON PHONE-----PULL THEM DOWN TO THE POOL AND I WILL PICK THEM UP
MAID----....BUT SIR WE DONT HAVE A POOL!
MAN ON PHONE-----THIS IS 555-6713 ISN'T IT
MAID-----NO THIS IS 555-6712
MAN ON PHONE-----OOPS BYE..CLICK!
Lesson 46
Hello. This is Warden Smith. I'd like to thank you for volunteering for our
new "Adopt-A-Hardened-Criminal" program. Your convict for a weekend is
"Chainsaw Charlie", a mass murderer. When he arrives at your home, here are
some helpful hints:
No knives at the dinner table
When leaving a room he is in, always back out the door
Hide all your power tools
When showering, use the "buddy system"
So as not to upset him, it's best not to wear striped pajamas
And finally, as for outdoor activities: Fishing...yes! Hunting...no!
CLICK
OJ: This bank manager went to bed with his wife. She thought he was going to
make a deposit, but he withdrew, rolled over and lost interest!
Q. Whats a "nice" name for a pimp???
A. A Fornicaterer!!!!!
On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
Was tattooed the price of her tail
On her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braile.
there was a polish lady baking a cake, and her daughter came into the kitchen
and said what are you doing mommy?? she replied "I,m baking a cake". The
daughter asked " can I lick the bowl when your done". the mother turns around
with this mad look on her face and repies"no you idiot flush it like everyone
else does"....
Q. Why was the bi-sexual prize fighter un-defeated???
A. He could lick anybody!!!!
Subject: Re: Confucius Say
Woman who shave legs too far up have no hair, by cracky.
The other night, I was driving home and saw a very attractive young
lady hitch hiking. Normally, I don't stop in such a situation, but I
did, offering her a ride to wherever she was headed. During a short
conversation while driving, she told me that she is a witch.
Surprised, I said, "Oh really? Can you prove it?"
"Sure", she said. And she slid over in the car seat, whispered a few
words...and turned me into a motel.
OJ: An Iranian, Palestinian, and a Libyan jump off the Golden Gate Bridge at
the same time:
Who hits the water first?
Who cares?????
why are turds tapered?
So your ass doesnt slam shut when it drops.
Q: Why don't women drink beer on the beach?
A: They don't want to get sand in their Schlitz
REPUBLICAN PARTY
FUND RAISING COMMITTEE
Dear Mr.
We have the honour of being on a committee to raise five million dollars for a
statue of Ronald Reagan to be placed in the Hall of Fame, Washington D.C.
The committee had been left in a quandry as to where to place the statue. It
was felt unwise to place it beside the statue of Abraham Lincoln, who never
told a lie, or beside that of Richard Nixon, who never told the truth. Reagan
could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher Columbus, the
greatest leader of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon
arriving did not know where he was, and when he returned, he had no idea where
he had been. And he did it all on borrowed money.
The former presedent has been lobbying hard of late to change the Republican
Party's symbol from an elephant to a condom. The condom stands for inflation,
halts productivity, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a false sense of
security while one is being screwed.
If you are one of those fortunate few who has any money left over after paying
your grocery and gasoline bills, we will expect a generous donation as you
contribution to this worthwhile project.
Mr. Claude Balls
Chairman,
Republican Fund Raising Committee
A young girl is taking a bath with her father and she says, "Daddy, when am I
gonna get one of those hairy things between my legs?"
He says "when your mother goes out to play bingo."
OJ If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you are probably doing it wrong.
Picture, if you will, an adorable, golden curled three year old girl (think
Shirley Temple, circa 1933, in color) playing with her overweight dog on a
sidewalk. A Friendly Man comes by and says, "Hello, little girl! What's your
name?"
She replies (in the sweetest little lisp you have ever heard), "They call
me candy."
"DO they?" responds the FM, "And why do they call you that."
"'Cause I'm so sweet!" she replies, tossing her glossy curls coltishly.
"And what," wondered the Friendly Man, "do they call your roly-poly little
dog?"
"They call him Porky!"
"I'll bet," the Friendly Man ventured, "they call him Porky because he's so
fat!"
"No--they call him Porky 'cause he fucks pigs!"
My girlfriend Clemetine is a filthy broad, just loves them filthy jokes. One
day she said to me, "Soph! What do you get when you cross an onion with a
donkey?"
I said, "Why Clementine I have no idea! What DO you get when you cross an
onion with a donkey?"
She said to me, "Well, usually you get an onion with very long ears, BUT, if
the stars are right and the moon is aligned perfectly, you get a piec of ass
so good it makes you want to cry!"
A woman comes home to her husband, traps him in the bedroom, and says, "Take
off my blouse." He does so. "Take off my skirt". He does so. "Take off my
panties, my stockings, my bra, everything!" He does so.
" Now if I catch you wearing any of my things again I'll divorce you."
A guy went in to the doctor's office to get a check up. At the end of
thecheckup, the doctor says "I've got bad news.... You are going to die".
Thepatient says "Oh my god, I'd like to get a second opinion" so the
doctorsays "and you're ugly too..."
Met my friend Louie the other day and says to him, "Hi, Louie!"
He says, "Man, don't you never call me Louie again. From now on you
call me Lucky Louie."
I says, "Ok, Lucky Louie it is, but why?"
He says, "Man, I was walkin' down the street the other day, and a piano
they was hoistin' up the third story window come loose from its rope and
smashed down right behind me. If I'd been three feet back, I'da
been mashed to hamburger. So you call me Lucky Louie."
So I met him again the other day and says to him, "Hiya Lucky Louie!"
He says to me, "Man, don't you never call me Lucky Louie again! From
now on, you call me Lucky Lucky Louie."
I says to him, "Ok, Lucky Lucky Louie it is, but why?"
He says, "Man, I was walking across the street the other day, and this
jerk in his car, he comes around through the red light, and he doesn't
see me, and runs right through the street in front of me. If I'da been
three feet earlier, I'da been mashed to hamburger. So from now on you
call me Lucky Lucky Louie."
Again I met the guy and says to him, "Hiya, Lucky Lucky Louie!"
And you can guess, again he says to me, "Man, don't you never call me
Lucky Lucky Louie again. From now own you call me Lucky Lucky Lucky
Louie."
And so like an idiot, I ask him, "Ok, WHY should I call you now
Lucky Lucky Lucky Louie?"
And he says to me, "Man, the other night me and the lady, we' gettin'
it on there on her sofa there in the livin' room, and all of a sudden,
her chandilier gets lose from the ceiling and falls down and hits me
right in the ass! I hada go to the hospital and get me three stitches on my
ass."
"So wait a minute, you want me to call you Lucky Lucky Lucky Louie
because you got three stiches on your ass?"
"Yeah, man, cause if that chandlier had fallen just five minutes
earlier, it would have busted my head!"
A coal miner went to his doctor with a terrible pain in his penis.
The doctor asks him to lower his trousers. The doctor pulls back the foreskin
and find a big wad of chewing gum.
"What's this chewing gum doing here??" the doc asks...
"Well... it's dirty in the mine and there's nowhere to put my gum, so I just
tuck under my foreskin..."
The doc pulls the miner's foreskin back even further and finds another big wad
of chewing gum...
"What's this piece of chewing gum doing here then???" the doc asks...
"Well..." the miner says, "...I've got a friend who's Jewish and I mind his
gum for him..."
Doc says "Isn't that a bit unhygenic??"
Miner says "Yeah, I s'pose thats true, we could get our gum mixed up..."
Know the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with
diarrhea?
The first one shucks between fits....
A Texan and a Yankee were using the bathroom. The Texan finished first, and
he begun to wash his hands. Then the Yankee finished and headed for the
door.he Texan said "Hey Yank, where I come from, our mothers teach us to wash
our
hands when we use the bathroom!" The Yankee replied "Where I come from, our
mothers teach us not to piss on our hands!"
Six polish men rented a house together, and it didn't take long for them to
detect that the house was infested with rats. One night, armed with baseball
bats and any other weapons they could find, they went down to the basement to
do battle with their unwelcome guests.
Three weeks later, having failed to reach any of the tenants by telephone, the
landlord used his key to enter their house. Finding only one badly beaten
man, he cried, "Holy shit! What happened here? And where are the other five?"
Two were killed in action," croaked the battered Pole, "and the other three
ran off with war brides."
A city slicker was driving in front of a farm when he ran over a small
pig. He was broken-hearted, and went to the farmer in the field to
tell him the sad news, anxious to make amends for the pig. The farmer
thought a while, said "Well, twarn't a show pig, guess I'd take a
dollar a pound for the critter".
The slicker readily agreed, and asked if they could weigh the pig. The
farmer said "No need" and put the pig's tail in his mouth. "28 pounds
exactly", he said. The farmer then explained that all the family had
the same amazing talent, and asked his young son to demonstrate. The
tot did - "28 pounds exactly, Pa".
The slicker responded that the tot had heard his father, and could not
be relied upon. So the farmer told the tot to run get Sis for an
unbiased estimate. The tot ran to the house, and came back shortly.
"Sis can't come now, Pa. She's weighing the mailman."
Why do Polish names end with "ski" ?
-Because they can't spell toboggen.
Why do so many people knock the Poles? After all, think of all the great
inventions done by them. Do you realize how much medical research they did?
The world's first ever appendix transplant was performed in Warsaw. Also it
was a Pole who invented the toilet seat. About 50 years later an Englishman
mad a slight improvement in it. He added a hole in the middle.
A koala bear finds himself in the U.S., at a singles bar, no less. As
he sips his beer, a gaudily dressed woman comes up to him and says,
"Hello, big boy." "G'day", says the koala. "Buy me a drink?", she
asks. He does, at which point she asks him if he wants to go home with
her. "Why not?", he replies, and she helps the little fellow off his
bar stool, takes him by the hand, and leads him to her place. They
spend the night. The next morning, he gets up and starts to leave.
"Hold it!", she screams. "Pay me!". "What the bloody 'ell for?", he
replies, confused. "Don't you understand? I'm a prostitute!"
"Prostitute? What in the 'ell is a prostitute?" She takes him over to
her bookshelf, open the dictionary, turns to "P", and reads:
"Prostitute: A person who performs sexual acts in return for monetary
compensation." "Well let me show you somethin'", says the koala. He
thumbs through the dictionary to "K", and reads: "Koala: Australian
marsupial. Eats bushes and leaves."
How do you get a one-armed polack out of a tree?
Wave.
DC> What's the most useless thing on Grandma?
DC> Grandpa...
My grandparents were sitting on the front porch swing. Grandpa was musing
over the Sears catalog and mumbled outloud,
"I think I'd like to get a new Spring outfit."
"Well," replied Grandma, "I'd be happy if you had a new spring for the
outfit you've already got!"
This will acknowledge receipt of your superheated letterr in
regards to the bill that I owe you. Youu say you can't understand
why this bill wasn't paid a long time ago. Allow me to explain.
In 1982, I leased a placer claim in Dawson. In '83 I bought
a D8, a 966, 2 pumps, and a derocker all on the installment plan.
In June the engine calved on the 8, the creek went dry and I
sublet the 66 to another guy who never did pay me and Finning
picked up the works. I damn near shot myself and in December
joined the church.
In the spring of '84 my Dad died and my brother went to jail
for some scam he was into with a couple of hippies from 60 mile.
A truck driver knocked up my only daughter and that set me back
four hundred to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of
mine.
The next month my boy got the mumps and they went down on
him and Doc Watson had to castrate him to save his life. Two
weeks later we were fishing below Dawson and the boat turned
over. I lost a 50 pound King and my two boys were drowned,
neither one being the one with no nuts.
That fall my wife ran off with the bartender from the
Eldorado and left me with a pair of twins for a souvenir. I had
to marry the hired girl to keep the expenses in line but she had
trouble getting off. I asked the Doc about it and he said to
create excitement when I thought the time was right. I stuck the
gun out the window and fired. The wife shit the bed, I got a
hernia out of it and I blew a 7 inch hole thru both doors of the
neighbors' 4 x 4. Christ was he mad.
November 12th I'll never forget cause my shack burned to the
ground and I took up drinking. Never stopped till all I had left
was a pocket pen and kidney trouble. All I did for the next
while was wind my watch and piss a lot. Spring of '85, figgered
to try again. I got an old D6 and a small hoe on a percentage
deal from an American up Hunker. Never did get a worthwhile pan,
Finning took the 6 and the hoe, White Pass got the claims which
ain't good anyway and the American is after my ass.
Now mister, the way things are, if it cost a nickel to shit,
I couldn't afford to fart, yet you say you could cause me a lot
of trouble. Well sir, trying to get money out of me would be
like trying to poke a pound of butter up a grizzly's ass with a
red hot poker but I guess you are welcome to try.
Sincerely,
WHITEHORSE JOKES
1. What does a girl from Whitehorse do when she gets out of bed?
(Goes home)
2. What do you call a man from Whitehorse dressed in a suit?
(The Defendant)
3. Why wasn't Jesus born in Whitehorse?
(They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin)
4. What does a girl from Whitehorse wear behind her ears?
(Her ankles)
5. What do you call a good looking girl in Whitehorse?
(A tourist)
6. How does a Whitehorse girl hold her liquor?
(By the ears)
7. What's a "10" in Whitehorse?
(A "4" with a six pack)
8. What's the Capital of Whitehorse?
($1.49)
9. What does a girl from Whitehorse receive when she gets an abortion?
($2000 dollars from Crime Stoppers)
10. What does a Whitehorse kid get for his birthday?
(A Dawson City kid's bike)
11. What is the difference between Yogurt and Whitehorse.
(Yogurt has culture)
12. Did you hear that they are rezoning Whitehorse.
(Urban, Suburban and Turban)
13. What does a Whitehorse girl and a Turtle have in common?
(If they end up on their back, they're fucked)
14. What's the difference between a girl from Whitehorse and a toilet?
(A toilet doesn't follow you home after you use it)
15. What does a Whitehorse girl do after she finishes making out?
(She moves to the FRONT of the bus)
16. What's the difference between a catfish and a girl from Whitehorse?
(One has whiskers and smells like a fish & the other is a fish)
17. What's the difference between a girl from Whitehorse and a boeing
747?
(Not everyone has been in a 747)
18. What's the difference between a bowling ball and a girl from
Whitehorse?
(You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball)
19. Whitehorse alphabet.
(Fuckin' Eh, Fuckin' B, Fuckin' C)
You can put your favorite town in place of Whitehorse, but the reason
that I put it is that it really does fit the place here.
AREA:HUMOR
NEW AND REVISED SEX QUIZ
Time limit is THREE DAYS.
If in doubt use S.W.A.G. (Scientific Wild Assed Guess) Method.
________________________________________________________________
TRUE FALSE
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. _____ _____
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. _____ ______
3. A vulva is a Swedish car. _____ _____
4. The term "Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. _____ _____
5. A fallopian tube is part of a T.V. _____ _____
6. It is dangerous to have a wet dream under
an electric blanket. _____ _____
7. Copulation is sex between two consenting
policemen _____ _____
8. Macdonald's golden arches are a phallic
symbol. _____ _____
9. A vagina is a medical term used to describe
heart trouble. _____ _____
10. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. _____ _____
11. Fallatio is an Italian dagger. _____ _____
12. A G-string is a weapon used by en. _____ _____
13. Semen is a term for sailors. _____ _____
14. An anus is a greek word denoting period of
time. _____ _____
15. Testicles are found on an octupus. _____ _____
16. Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four
languages _____ _____
17. Ashphalt is a medical term used to describe
someone with rectal problems. _____ _____
18. Kotex is a radio station in Dallas, Texas. _____ _____
19. Masterbate is something used to catch large
fish. _____ _____
20. Coitus is a musical instrument. _____ _____
21. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". _____ _____
22. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. _____ _____
23. A condum is an apartment complex. _____ _____
24. A rectum is what you are for taking this
test. _____ _____
A certain young lady from Kew
Said, as the Bishop withdrew,
"The Vicar is quicker,
And thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you".
This couple was running late - in their preparation for the big party they
were going to. The wife was totally tied up in taking care of her own needs.
The husband had on a pair of trousers that had a buttoned fly - and one of the
damn buttons had come off and needed resewing.
The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested he run
across the street to have their neighbor lady friend take care of the matter.
And so he did.
A little bit later he came :back with the button sewn on all right- but he was
terribly beaten up. Just a mess - black eyes - the whole works.
"Good grief - what in the world happened to you - you just went over there for
the button to be sewed on - and now look at you!"
"Well - when I told her what I wanted done - she immediately said that would
just take her a second - and so she tended to the matter - and everything was
just perfect until she bent over to bite the thread and her husband came in
the door."
While having a few drinks one night a Newfie told all of his mates that he
could fart to any kind of tune they could throw at him! He then told them that
he would do it in 1 hours time...
They all started taking bets for and against what the newfie had said.
After 1 hour the newfie went to the corner, lowered his pants and (dropped),
in the corner...
Everyone in the place started to boo him and they all called him a bluff.
The Newfie then held up his hands and said "HOLD ON A MINUTE. EVEN CARUSO HAD
TO CLEAR HIS THROAT BEFORE HE SANG"!....
How do women get minks?
The same way minks get minks.
Man who lives in glass house dress in basement.
Man who has hands in another man's pocket not feeling
himself today.
a message of <20 Nov 89 06:01:00>, Bob Moscardini
(1:114/26) writes:
>Is there a moderator on this echo? This jokers language
leaves quite a
>lot to be desired. Sir, your parents should have taught you
how to
>behave in public
Please refrain from this sort of display in the future. My
wife reads
this echo.
You sound like the kind of guy who says "How dare you say
`fuck' in front of
my wife!"
To which I reply, "Why? Was it her turn?"
> If the Army or the Navy
>Ever look on Heaven's scenes,
>They will find their wives are sleeping
>With United States Marines.
>
Every morning this squid used to get up in the morning and SHIT all over
the marine life below!
What do you say about a guy with 5 penises?
That his dick fits like a glove...
Man in psychiatrists office says, "I don't know what's wrong with me doc.
I've been seeing strange and unusual things lately: Mice with arms, crickets
that talk and ducks with speech impedements.
Psychiatrist says to the man, "there's nothing wrong with you, you've just
been having Disney spells."
All night long soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs,
mistaken for the stork, shot at, driving all night in the snow, damn near
got killed by a 747, and Mrs. Claus is pissed off I got in so late.
Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits in a headwind over
Alberquerque, and you should see my suit. What's more, the damn elves won't
clean my sleigh unless I pay them double time.
I am so sick of milk and cookies I could vomit. The only highball I
got to night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.
My prostate is giving me so much hell I pissed my pants at 20,000 feet
and froze to the seat.
I'm allergic to pine needles, I itch all over, and I think my
hemorrhoids are back.
HO--HO--HO--HO--HO--HO--HO
Merry Cristmas? My Ass!
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISHMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
There were bottles and butts left around by some louse;
And the best fifth I'd hidden by the chimney with care,
Had been drained by some bum who'd found it right there.
My pals, guys and gals, had been poured in their beds
To wake in the morning with hung-over heads;
My mouth felt like cotton and tasted like crap,
Because I was dying for one more nightcap;
When through my south window there came such a yell,
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...?
And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught in a tree.
There 'mongst the branches was a man in a sleigh;
I saw it was Santa, all oiled-up and gay.
Staggering blindly, those eight reindeer came,
While he hiccoughed and farted and called them by name:
"On Whiskey! On Vodka! We ain't got all night!
You, too, Gin and Brandy, now let's get it right!
Clamber up on the roof, get the hell off this wall.
Get moving, you rummies! We've got a long haul!"
So, up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree-branch caught Santa and knocked him away.
And then to my ears, like the roll of a barrel,
Came a hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
Well, I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear,
As down the chimney he plunded, landing smack on his rear.
He was dressed all in red with soot for a trim,
And the way that he swayed, he was tanked to the brim.
The sack in his hand held nothing but booze,
And the breath he exhaled almost put me to snooze.
He was red-faced and wheezing as he tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me -- he was high as a kite!
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work.
(He missed half the stockings, that plastered old jerk!)
Then, putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers and up the chimney he rose.
He sprang for his sleigh at so hasty a pace
That he tripped on a shingle and fell flat on his face.
But I heard him belch out as he passed from my sight,
"Merry Chrishmas, you lushes, have fun getting tight!"
..."Daddy, Daddy," said the boy, "whats a pervert?"
..."Shut up and keep sucking."
Q. Why is marrige like a warm toilet seat???
A. Its comfortable, but you never know who was there before you!!!!!
Q. Whats the difference between a girls legs???
A. A fur piece!!!!!
OK, there's this guy who gets his dick amputated (Don't worry why, another
story!) and he goes the the doctor and asks for a new one..
"I want a really big one" he says, and the doctor brings one out..
"No, bigger!" so the Doc goes to his box, rummages around and pulls out this
enourmous 11 inch dick, and the guy says
"No, MUCH bigger!!" so the doctor says,
g "I've got one here, I'll just get it from the safe <?>" goes to the safe and
pulls out this GIGANTIC 3 foot dick, and the guy says
"Yeah! thats the one I want!! Have you got one in white?"
A very belligerent man comes into an Italian restuarant and
orders a pasta meal. All of the waiters have complained to the manager
about this mans attitude as he is a regular customer. Well, wouldn't
you know it, but this man begins throwing a fit! The manager hears the
yelling and comes running out from the back.
"Sir! Please, other people are trying to eat!"
To which the man replies, "EAT!!?? Well, so was *I* till I
found a HAIR in my pasta!
The manager is very embarrased and has the waiter get the man
a new meal. He slowly but surely quiets down and finishes his meal.
(Don't worry, it's not over yet!)
Later that week, the manager, on his day off, decides to visit
the local Hostel when WHO should he see, but the very same man! And
this man is eating out a VERY HAIRY Puerto-Rican woman!
The manager sees this, and just HAS to say something! He
approaches the man and says, "Sir, I can't believe you complained
about a hair in your pasta and yet you proceed to go down on THAT!"
The man looks up and quickly replies, "Well, if I find a noodle
in here, rest assured I'll raise a H*LL of a fuss!"
A duck walks into a chemist and asks to buy a prophylactic, having
found a suitable one, the chemist asks 'shall I put it on your bill?' and the
duck screams, 'Are you calling me a DICKHEAD???'.
Your mamma's like a shotgun. One cock and she blows.
Well, in that case, your momma is just like a bubble gum machine, put
your penny in and get a piece.
Your momma is just like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
Your momma is just like a dragstrip, she can really burn up rubber!
Twas the night before dooms day
and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse.
Mom at the whore house and
Dad smoking grass,
and I just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece
to see what was the matter.
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment
it must be St. Prick.
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment
the fucker had fell.
He filled all the stockings
with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart,
the son-of-a-bitch
blew the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight,
piss on you all and
have one hell of a night!!
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified
when she found her husband in bed with a pretty young thing.
Just as she was about ready to storm out of the house, her
husband stopped her and said, "before you leave, I want you
to hear how this all came about.
Driving along the highway I came upon this young girl,
looking tired and warn, so I offered her a lift, she was
hungry so I brought her home and made her a meal with the
roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator, she had
only some warn sandals on her feet, so I gave her some good
shoes that you had discarded because they were out of style,
she was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your
birthday, the one you never wore because the color didn't
suit you, her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of
yours that were too small for you now, and just as she was
ready to leave the house, she paused and said, " IS THERE
ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOU WIFE DOESN'T USE ANYMORE
In the Beginning there was the Plan
and The Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinkith."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide it"
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it strength
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong"
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them
,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful,"
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto Him,
this new Plan will actively promote the growth, efficiency
and strength of this Company"
And the President looked upon the Plan,
And saw that it was very good, and the Plan became Policy..
"THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS"
THE DEER HUNT
1;00 am ALARM CLOCK RINGS.
2:00 AM HUNTING PARTNERS ARRIVE, DRAG YOU OUT OF BED.
2.30 AM THROW EVERYTHING EXCEPT KITCHEN SINK IN TRUCK.
3.00 AM LEAVING HOME FOR THE DEEP WOODS.
3.15 AM RETURN HOME TO GET GUN.
3.30 AM DRIVE LIKE HELL TO GET TO THE WOODS BEFORE DAYLIGHT.
4.00 AM SET UP CAMP - REALIZE YOU FORGOT DAMN TENT!
4.30 AM HEAD OUT TO WOODS.
6.05 AM SEE EIGHT (8) DEER
6.06 AM TAKE AIM AND SQUEEZE TRIGGER
6.07 AM "CLICK"
6.08 AM LOAD GUN WHILE WATCHING DEER GO OVER HILL.
8.00 AM HEAD BACK TO CAMP
9.00 AM STILL LOOKING FOR CAMP
10.00 AM REALIZE YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE CAMP IS.
NOON FIRE GUN FOR HELP - EAT SOME WILD BERRIES
12.15 PM RAN OUT OF BULLETS - DEER COME BACK !
12.20 PM STRANGE FEELING IN STOMACH
12.30 PM REALIZE YOU ATE POISON BERRIES.
12.45 PM RESCUED.
12.55 PM RUSHED TO HOSPITAL TO HAVE STOMACH PUMPED
3.00 PM ARRIVE BACK AT CAMP
4.00 PM RETURN TO CAMP FOR BULLETS
4.01 PM LOAD GUN - LEAVE CAMP AGAIN
5.00 PM EMPTY GUN ON SQUIRREL THAT IS BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU
6.00 PM ARRIVE AT CAMP SEE DEER GRAZING IN CAMP
6.01 PM LOAD GUN
6.02 PM FIRE GUN
6.03 PM ONE DEAD TRUCK
6.05 PM HUNTING PARTNER RETURNS TO CAMP DRAGGING DEER
6.06 PM SUPPRESS STRONG DESIRE TO SHOOT HUNTING PARTNER
6.07 PM IN DOING SO STUMBLE AND FALL INTO FIRE.
6.10 PM CHANGE CLOTHES, THROW BURNED ON IN FIRE
6.16 PM TAKE PICK-UP, LEAVE PARTNER AND HIS GOD DAMN; DEER IN WOODS
6.25 PM PICK-UP BOILS OVER- DAMN HOLE SHOT IN BLOCK
6.26 PM START WALKING
6.30 PM START CRYING, STUMBLE AND FALL, DROP GUN IN MUD
6.35 PM MEET GREAT BIG BEAR
6.35.30 PM TAKE AIM
6.36 PM FIRE GUN - BLOW UP BARREL PLUGGED WITH MUD
6.36.30 PM SHIT IN PANTS
6.37 PM CLIMB TREE
9.00 PM BEAR DEPARTS, AND WRAPS GUN AROUND TREE
9.03 PM TAKE OFF SHITTY PANTS
9.04 PM TRY TO WIPE TAIL ON LEAVES
9.05 PM FALL OUT OF TREE
MIDNIGHT HOME AT LAST
SUNDAY SETTING IN BED WITH CAST ON LEG WATCHING TV, SLOWLY TEARING
LICENSE INTO LITTLE BITTY PIECES. PLACE IN ENVELOPE,, MAIL
TO GAME AND FISH DEPARTMENT WITH VERY CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS ON
WHERE TO PLACE IT.!!!!!!!!!
This farmer walked behind his barn a couple of times and caught his son
playing with himself.
After enough time like this he decided it was best that the lad get himself a
girl to wed.
So the arrangements were made and the young fellow got married and things went
on in normal fashion.
After some time had passed the old man noticed that the young wife wasn't
around anymore - and once again caught the young fellow in the back of the
barn - doing the same thing.
Good heavens -why are you doing that when you had a wife around?
"Everything was just fine - but then she complained that her hand was getting
tired!"
This devout - and fairly newly wed Catholic couple - decided that they would
give up sex for Lent.
To assure that they didn't break their vow to refrain - they slept in separate
bedrooms and she kept the door locked between them.
They suffered through the whole time and adhered to their promise to God.
When Lent was officially over - she heard a knock at the door - and being
quite coy about it she asked "Who's there?" - he - equally coy said -
playfully - "I bet you can't guess who this is knocking?" - and her reply was
"No - but I bet I can guess what you're knocking with!"
Setup: before the 1960 presidential race, Kennedy and Johnson are senators at
the time. Kennedy is speaking.
"I dreamed about 1960 myself the other night, and I told Stuart Symington
[another senator and contender for the Democratic nomination] and Lyndon
Johnson about it in the cloakroom yesterday. I told them how the Lord came
into my bedroom, anointed my head and said, "John Kennedy, I hereby appoint
you President of the United States."
Symington said, "That's strange, Jack, because I too had a similar dream
last night in which the Lord anointed me and declared me President of the
United States and Outer Space."
Johnson then said, "That's very interesting gentlemen, because I too had a
similar dream last night and I don't remember anointing either one of you."
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT GENERIC CONDOMS?????
THEY ARE FOR CHEAP FUCKERS!!!!!!!Hehehehehehehehe
OJ: Then there was the guy that had a wife and a cigarette lighter.
They both worked........
Twas the night before Xmas and all through the house,
there were bottles N' butts left around by some louse.
And the best fifth i'd hidden by the chimney with care,
had been snatched by some bum who'd found it right there.
My pals, guys N' Gals had been poured in there beds,
To wake in the morning with hung over heads.
My mouth full of cotton dropped down with a snap,
Because I was dying for one wee nitecap.
When thru the south window there came such a yell,
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell.....
And what to my bloodshot eye's do i see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught in a tree.
Way 'mongst the branches was a man with a sleigh,
I saw it was Santa, Quite oiled and gay.
Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he hiccuped and belched and called them by name:
"On Whisky! On Vodka! We ain't got all night,
You too Brandy now all do it right.
Clamber up on the roof get the hell off this wall,
Get going you rummies we've got a long haul.
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.
And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas Carol.
So I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged landing smack on his rear.
He was dressed all in red and white fur for a trim,
The way Santa Swayed he was tanked to the brim!
The sack on his back held nothing but booze,
And the breath that he blew Almost put me to snooze.
He was both plump and chubby and tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me he was high as a kite!
He spoke not a word but went straight to work,
Missed half the stockings the plastered old jerk.
Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted in prose.
A spring for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
Tripped him up on a shingle and he fell on his face.
But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight,
Merry Christmas you lushes now really get tight.
The Pope was sitting around doing a crossword puzzle, when a Nun
walked in. Excuse me Sister, but do you know a four letter word for a
women ending in u-n-t. She thinks for a minute and said aunt, A-U-N-T.
Yeah that's it! Do you have an eraser?
She was only a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
She was only the judges daughter, but anyone could try her.
Q: Why is it so difficult to be a Hell's Angels biker's girlfriend?
A: You have to be able to suck-start a Harley!
Why is working here (wherever "here" is) like pissing in a dark suit?
It gives you a warm feeling all over, but nobody notices.
Back near the dawn of time ...
(That reminds me. I'm so horny, even the crack of dawn excites me)
... there was a frog who was created yellow. He didn't like this, so he went
to Mother Nature. "Hey, I'd like to be another color", he says, "how about
green?" So, Mother Nature makes him green, except for his dick, which is
still yellow. "Hey, what about my dick?" he asks. "Oh, I can't help you
there," she replies, "you'll have to see the Wizard". So off he goes.
So then a bear is complaining that HE was created yellow. He complains to
Mother Nature, says he wants to be brown. So Mother Nature turns him brown,
except for (yes, you guessed it) his dick. "Turn it brown, too!" he demands.
"Can't do it, see the Wizard", Mother Nature says. "How do I get there", he
asks. "Easy. Follow the yellow-prick toad."
... so the golfer comes home late one afternoon. "I'm sorry, darling. I went
to the club after the 18th hole and met a woman there. She bought me a drink,
one thing led to another, and we fucked in a motel. Please forgive me."
"Bullshit!" she replied. "You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
two gentlemen of advanced years who had not seen each other for a decade or
more met on the street one day and had a long hello. after they were all
talked out abe said to jake, "what should we do today?" jake said ,"lets
go to a whorehouse." abe answered, "are you crazy? that old octagenarian
wife of mine takes all i got and the sits around waiting for the next time."
jake thinks awhile and than says, "noo, so lets go by your house.
I think the best one I've seen yet on a semi was:
"So many car's, so little time!"
Q: What's the difference between a church and a movie theater?
A: In church they say, "Pray in the name of Jesus." In a movie
theater they say, "Shut up, for Christ's sake!"
When the young groom came to bed on his wedding night,
he was surprised to find a large padlocked chest at the foot of
the bed.
"What's that for?" he asked his wife.
She wouldn't tell him, saying only that the contents
were a secret she could never share with him. Reluctantly her
gallant husband honored her privacy and considered the odd matter
closed.
Years passed, and finally, on their 50th wedding
anniversary, the husband's curiosity got the best of him. He
approached his wife and literally begged her to tell him what was
inside the chest. Gazing into his pleading eyes, she smiled and
agreed to open the chest.
Fetching the key, she raised the lid: Inside were two
ears of corn and $50,000.
"Corn?" said the surprised old man. "What in heaven's
name is that for?"
"Well," his wife confessed, "every time I cheated on you
I put an ear of corn in the chest."
The man looked from his wife to the chest. He was
surprised to learn that she'd been unfaithful, but he had to
admit twice in 50 years wasn't too bad. He smiled.
"I understand," he said softly. "And the $50,000? What's
that for?"
She replied, "Every time I had a bushel, I sold it."
DM>Q: What do women and jello have in common?
DM>A: They both giggle when you eat them!
He who writes on shithouse walls
rolls his shit in little balls
he who reads these words of wit
eats these little balls of shit.
On her wedding day a backwards country girl was getting dressed
in a room ajoining the main part of the church, with her was her grandma. Her
grandma said to her I think it's about time I tell you about sex. The country
girl said in reply what"s sex grandma. Sex my dear niece is something your
husbasnd will want at the beginning of your marriage about three times a week
and as time goes by his desire for this unpleasant act will steadily decrease.
Grandmother says the backwards country girl you have been married for 56 years
what type of sex do you and Grandfather have? Well my darling niece we have
"Oral Sex". Grandmother what"s Oral Sex. Oral Sex my niece is when myself
and your Grandfather pass each other in the hall and we say "Fuck You".
Have you heard of the new Christmas-time charity? It supplies vibrators to
nymphomaniacs. It's called TOYS FOR TWATS.
What's an Irishman's idea of foreplay? Bridgette, you awake?
An Orthodox rabbi lived a pious and exemplary life. Besides his
learning, he had one true passion: he loved to play golf. So when a
friend of his wangled an invitation to play a round at an
ultra-exclusive Country Club that normally did not invite people of the
rabbi's religious persuasion, he jumped at the chance, until he found
out that the round was scheduled for Saturday, which of course is his
Sabbath and on which day he was forbidden to do ANY work, including the
"work" of playing golf. He tossed and turned with his dilemma, until
greed won out, and he duly appeared at the Country Club early Saturday
morning.
A passing angel looked down and saw the rabbi getting ready to tee off
on the first hole. Profoundly disturbed, the angel runs to God and
tells him what is about to take place. God says: "Don't worry. I'll
teach him a lesson but good." So on the first hole the rabbi drives
415 yards for a hole-in-one! "What kind of a lesson was THAT?",
queried the angel. God's response was "Who can he tell?".
A little boy walked into an ice-cream store wearing a cowboy hat and a pair
of six-shooters. He asked the clerk for an ice-cream sundae. The clerk
asked, "Do you want your nuts crushed?"
The little boy whipped out his guns, pointed them at her, and said, "Do you
want your tits shot off?"
What's grosser than gross ?
Finding a vein in your hot dog.
Once upon a time there was a man who was jumping up and down on a manhole.
21...21....21...21....on and on then someone finally approached him and said "
Hey wadda you doin' ? " .
"Well, I'm jumping up and down on this manhole saying 21..21...21"
."
"Can I try"
.
"Sure" the the jumper lets the guy on the manhole..
21..21...21 hey this is fun
Then without hesitation, the previous jumper kicks out the manhole from under
him... Fooowsshh !! The man falls through !!! He replaces the cover..
22....22....22..22
Try putting these on a t-shirt sometime and see what you get ...
DISCO DOES SUCK, BUT IT DOES IT SOOOOOO WELL!
YOU MAKE MY BUTT SWEAT!
MAKE ME LATE FOR BREAKFAST ...
EAT ME! I'M A TWINKIE!
IT'S NOT WHO YOU SLEEP WITH, IT'S WHO KEEPS YOU UP ...
SUCK! DON'T BLOW!
BEND OVER -- I'LL DRIVE ...
HOW DARE YOU ASSUME I'M HETEROSEXUAL!
GOD SAVE THE QUEENS!
YOU CAN'T BE FIRST (BUT YOU COULD BE NEXT!)
SAN FRANCISCO -- WHERE THE WOMEN ARE STRONG AND THE MEN ARE PRETTY
THE FALKLANDS -- WHERE MEN ARE MEN AND SHEEP ARE FRIGHTENED!
YES, I'M THAT GOOD.
I don't know, I like 'em.
Sex on T.V. is ok,
As long as you dont FALL OFF!
A hunter went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number of birds, aided
by a dog named Salesman. Next year he returned and asked for Salesman again.
"The Hound ain't no durn good now," the handler said.
What Happened said the Hunter, Was he Injured?
"No, Some Fool came down here and called him "Sales Manager" all week instead
of "Salesman". Now all he does is sit on his tail and Bark.
Q: Why did the rubber fly?
A: Because it was pissed off...
How do you re-cycle a rubber?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!
I saw a sign on the condom machine in the men's locker
room at the local community college the other day. It said:
"For Refund: Insert Baby!"
HOW THE ANGEL GOT ON TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE:
Santa was getting ready on Christmas day and he was a bit upset when
the Elves pulled out his sled- chipped paint, rusty skids, the works! So he
starrted bitching about this and so the Elves finnally got so pissed off that
they started bitching back saying that it'd be night-time and noone would be
able to see him and all that. But Santa was still pissed off because he
claimed that that wasn't the idea. So Santa steamed off. A little while later
he came into the Elves' workroom and they were all sitting around doing
nothing....smoking cigars...so Santa was REAL p-oed this time. He said to the
elves, "Goddamn it! I told all of 'yall to have these toys done by now! But
nooooo...you all are in here fuckin' around, doing NOTHING!!!!" to which the
Elves replied "Come on, you old fat bastard. We've been working round the
clock for your fat ass and we're tired of all the shit. So leave us alone- we
told you that this would happen if you didn't give us that raise, anyhow. So
cut the shit." Needless to say, he was now EXTREMELY pissed off. So he went to
see Mrs. Clause. She didn't want to here his shit because she had just gotten
dont baking about 100 dozen cookies. THEN he found out his suit was all
wrinkled, and that was the last straw. He had decided that the next person to
come and bother him should be perpared for the worst. So along comes a
lowlnWlittle angel dragging along a tree and she asks Santa in a very
innoce6]1$9LC
?6{L8 <qe!N
t voice, "Santa, where do you want me to put this tree?"......
Things Not To Say
When Hanging The Lights
-----------------------
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the
three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (Page Six's
Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive
and wallpapering. He is rarely wrong on these things.)
We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say
When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
Do not mutter:
-- "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed
to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
--"What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year?
Tie them in knots?"
--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw
them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
--"Give me that."
--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee
thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done, dammit."
--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't
look like a spiral this year?"
--"Have you been drinking?"
--"Where's the cat?"
Only 14 more days now, 336 more hours. Come on, You can make it...
Enjoy..
>Dear Steve
>Listen you little queer homo. I've entered a least 40 jokes in this BBS and
>I get tired of burning my time having to deal with geeks like you who have
>to whine to everyone that you are offended with the "language". If you
>can't handle it, GO AWAY! To everyone elsa out there I'm sorry for having
>to burn your time with this message, but i'm sick of these whining dweebs.
I don't know who you have me confused with....but in 38 years, I haver
never been offended by ANYTHING including your "queer little homo" message. By
the way, the only Dolce that I ever met (Jim Dolce) lived in New Jersey and
made a nice living out of running a "home for wayward boys", since he was a
homosexual, this had a few side benefits also ( you wouldn't be related would
you?).
Just by the merest coincidence, Dolly Parton and Princess Di of England
are killed in car accidents on the same day, and both arrive at the Pearly
Gates at the same moment. St. Peter greets them
cordially, and expresses his disappointment at seeing them ahead of schedule.
Says St. Peter, "And another thing, ladies, I am terribly sorry, but
Heaven is a bit overcrowded today...There was a scheduling mixup because of a
schoolbus accident in Missouri. It's embarrassing,
really, but we only have room for one more person today, and the
other will have to wait, er, you-know-where until we have room."
Well, the two ladies begin arguing about who has the greater
right to spend the night in Heaven. Dolly claims that she has
millions of fans all over the world who love her, and she has been good all
her life...
Princess Di says there shouldn't be any question, after all she is royalty
and shouldn't have to go you-know-where for any reason, and Dolly is just a
Southern hill-billy and shouldn't mind waiting a day or two.
St. Peter breaks in, "Ladies, ladies, please don't argue like this. It's
so unseemly. There is only one way to be fair. You will each have to show me
your best attribute, and I will have to
choose."
Well, everyone knows what Dolly's best attribute is, and she
wastes no time in popping her blouse open. All the goods spill out and even
St. Peter gets a rise out of it (well, he was a man ONCE, you know!) and
stammers a bit until he gets his breath back. "Well, eh, um, vvver-very
im-im-impressive, Mrs. Parton."
He turns to Princess Di and says, "That was really incredible... do you
think you can top Mrs. Parton's, um, display?"
Well, anyone who has seen Princess Di knows that she wouldn't
have a chance in that department, but she seems determined to try. The
Princess opens her silk handbag and removes a bottle that reads "Massengill."
She puts one leg up on the marble steps to the Pearly Gates, hikes up her
skirt, and (dare we say it?) begins using the douche.
St. Peter turns four shades of purple and Dolly mutters something about "no
class at all, always knew she was a..." and they both seem relieved when
Princess Di finishes her task.
Dolly says, "Well, I guess that sure settles who gets into
heaven, doesn't it St. Peter?"
St. Peter hangs his head and says apologetically, "I'm terribly sorry,
Dolly, but even in Heaven...a royal flush beats a pair."
A tiskit a taskit a condom or a casket
A business man returned home after a lengthy road trip and was
extremely horny. As soon as his wife opened the door he grabbed her,
began tearing her clothes off, and carried her bodily into bed and
proceded to make mad, passionate love to her. As he was pounding away
he happened to glance downward and noticed that with each thrust, his
wife's toes curled upward.
When he was finally done he asked his wife what he had done that made
her enjoy the sex so much that her toes curled.
She replied, "Nothing dear, you just didn't give me time to remove my
pantihose!"
There was this man who went to a tatoo parlor to get a $100 bill tatoo
on his penis.
The tatooist asked, " Why do you want a $100 tatoo on your penis"?
The man replied:
1) I like to play with my money.
2) I like to watch my money grow.
3) I want to see if my wife can blow $100 in five minutes!
RED RIDING HOOD WAS OFF TO VISIT HER GRANDMOTHER, ON THE WAY TO
GRANNY'S SHE MET A SQUIRRELL ON THE PATH. THE SQUIRRELL SAID
" BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU GET TO GRANNY'S BECAUSE THE BIG BAD WOLFE
WILL PULL UP YOUR SHIRT AND PLAY WITH YOUR TITTIES."
RED SAID " HE WILL NOT !!"
A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE PATH SHE MET A RABBITT WHO SAID, "WATCH
OUT WHEN YOU GET TO GRANNY'S ,BECAUSE THE BIG BAD WOLFE WILL PULL UP
YOUR SHIRT AND PLAY WITH YOUR TITTIES."
RED SIAD " HE WILL NOT!!"
STILL FURTHER DOWN THE PATH SHE MET A DEER WHO SAID, " BE CAREFUL
WHEN YOU GET TO GRANNY'S, BECAUSE THE BIG BAD WOLFE WILL PULL UP
YOUR SHIRT AND PLAY WITH YOUR TITTIES."
RED SAID, "HE WILL NOT !!"
FINALLY SHE ARRIVED AT GRANNY'S. WHEN SHE OPENED THE DOOR THE
BIG BAD WOLFE SAID " PULL UP YOUR SHIRT SO I CAN PLAY WITH
YOUR TITTIES."
RED SAID, " NO WAY, YOU'RE GONNA EAT ME JUST LIKE THE STORY SAYS.
It seems there was this scientist who spent years perfecting his own version
of the cloning technique. Finally he was ready to test his theories, and decided
to clone himself. He did so with amazing results, making a PERFECT copy of
himself, or so it seemed.....
Apparently, all was wellxcept that the clone had the most foul mouth he had
ever seen! It could do nothing but swear and make vulgar and disgusting
comments whenever it opened its mouth.
The scientist put up with this for several weeks, but could finally stand it
no longer. He decided that he would have to rid himself of his double somehow.
After long consideration, he decided to coax the clone to the top of his
laboratory roof, saying that he had an experiment he would find interesting.
When the professor was sure that nobody was looking, he pushed his double from
the roof, sending him plumeting to his death!
Unfortunately, there must have been a witness, for minutes later, dozens of
police cars surrounded the lab and the professor was hauled away to jail. The
plolice were, of course, forced to release him scott free. After
all............
...... all he did was make an obscene clone fall!
A man walked into a newspaper office and told the girl in the classified
department, "I want to put an ad in the paper. My Wife's cat is missing and
I'm offering a $10,000 reward."
The girl was shocked. "Isn't that an enormus amout of money for a cat?"
The guy grinned. "No it isn't. I drowned the cat yesterday!"
Why are pregnant women like defective typewriters?
They both skip their periods!
The young girl was eating a chocolate-chip cookie while getting her hair cut.
"Your getting hair on you cookie>", pointed out the hair dresser.
"I know" she said. "and my titties are getting big too."
Sign at a funeral parlor : "Our staff will stuff you stiff."
Sign at a whorehouse next door : "Our stuff will stiff your staff."
A young couple had thought long and hard about getting married. They debated
the pros and cons, and finally concluded that their love could get them
through anything, so together they sped off to be wed.
Unfortunately, on the way to the chapel, they had a terrible wreck and both
were killed instantly. When they came to, they found themselves standing at
the Golden Gates, and there was Saint Peter, welcoming them in.
"Saint Peter," said the young man, "we were on our way to be married when
we met our doom. Could you please see that we are married immediately!?"
Saint Peter looked at them lovingly and said, "My children, do not be so
hasty. You have all of eternity to wed. Wait 50 years, then ask me again."
So the couple waited for 50 years and returned to Saint Peter, but his
reply was the same.... "Wait another 50 years, my children. What is another 50
years in eternity?" So they waited another 50 years.
But at the end of the second 50 years, Saint Peter again admonished them to
wait, and they reluctantly agreed.
Finally after 150 years, the couple again approached Saint Peter. He began
to make the same speech, but the young man cut him off.... "Three times you
have asked us to wait, and three times we have been understanding and patient,
but this time we will not wait any longer!"
Saint Peter sighed, understandingly, and said.... "My children, just wait
50 more years and I swear.....
.... if we don't get a PREACHER up here by then, I'll perform the
ceremony myself!"
Q. Whats 'sodomy'...???
A. Something any ass can do!!!!!
once upon a time a young man went to consult his family physician for a
singular medical problem. when he went to stool he passed a tremendous amount
of gas that came out in a long puff of sound. to be blunt, when he farted the
gas made a long and deep sound like a basso profundo singing the word "
HONNNDAAA." it sounded just like his asshole was advertising a line of
japanese automobiles. the doctor opined that this was indeed a very strange
ailment, and being a general practitioner, sent the young man to a
gastrointestinal specialist. the specialist was equally puzzled. the
specialist, reasoning that the sound was japanese in tone, said that he had a
colleague who had graduated from the university of tokyo medical school and
had excellent credentials in the field of internal and would like to have him
examine the patient. the man went to see the japanese doctor who, right off
the bat said, "open your mouth." the patient said. " but doc, it's my
asshole that is giving me the problem."
the japanese doctor said , " i know that but open your mouth."
after a cursory examination of the mouth the japanese doctor told the patient
to go to a dentist and have the abscessed tooth removed. the young man
thought the doctor was full of shit because he had no trouble with his teeth
and also figured that his teeth had nothing to do with his asshole. but he
was desperate so he went to the dentist. the dentist x-rayed his mouth, found
an abscessed tooth, yanked the tooth and sent the young man on his way.
his asshole stopped singing "HONNNDAAA." HE WAS NO LONGER EMBARRASSED IN
PUBLIC TOILETS. he went back to his doctor and told him of the strange series
of events. his doctor went back to the doctor from japan and told him of the
sequel to his examination and asked him what a bad tooth had to do with a
singing asshole. the japanese doctore said, " it was very simple. in japan
we all know that WITH ABSCESS THE FART GOES HONDA."
i can't remember the story about the arab that traveled in the desert for six
days without passing water.
one day maimee ginsburg was visiting beulah schwartz at dinner time and
commented that the meat patties beulah schwartz was frying in the skillet
looked horrible. they were a strange red color and looked and smelled real
shitty. beulah said they were dog food patties and her husband, booker
schwartz, loved them. she used dog food for the patties because they were so
cheap that they stretched the budget and her husband liked them so well that
he always asked for seconds and thirds. mrs. ginsburg opined that this was
reason enough to switch her cooking habits and try them on her husband, mose
ginsburg. so she got the recipe and went home to cook up a mess of dog food
patties for mose. the next day beulah schwartz picked up the daily newspaper
and , upon reading the obituaries, became aware of the fact that mose ginsburg
had expired suddenly after eating supper, and the wake was that evening at the
golden light of hope mortuary.
beulah ran to the mortuary to convey her condolences and, while
speaking to mrs. ginsburg, asked if mose had enjoyed the dog food patties.
she had a fear in the back of her head that mose had perhaps suffered an
anaphylactic shock or other reaction to the dog food patties. mrs. ginsburg
said that was not the case. she said he died from an unrelated cause. it
seems that after eating the dog food patties, enjoying seconds and thirds, he
went into the living room to watch tv. the kids who saw it happen told beulah
ginsburg that mose fell off the sofa and broke his neck while he was trying to
lick his balls.
There once was a lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
An East German man went to the State run car dealer and wanted to buy a car.
They filled out all the paper work and the dealer told the man that his car
would be delivered to him in 1996. The man then asked if the delivery would be
during the morning or afternoon. The dealer asked him what did it matter, it's
seven years from now. The man said, of course it matters, I have the plumber
coming in the morning.
My wife and I have true marital compatability.
We experience simultaneous
Headaches....
Q: What do you call a woman who's lost 85% of her intelligence?
A: ...a Widow
Saw this on a bumper sticker:
"This car is protected by a Pit Bull with Aids!"
Two men are playing golf. One slices his drive, the other hooks his. "Take
me over to the left, and then you drive the cart over and get yours, and I'll
walk back." Thus agreed, the man searches out his ball in the field of
daisies to the left of the fairway. He finds it, but alas, it is deep down in
daisies, and he begins hacking away at the flowers. An angel comes down and
says to him, "EXCUSE me sir, EXCUSE me, but WHAT are you doing to my field of
daisies?" "I'm trying to get to my ball," he replies. "Well MUST you detroy
my field to do it?" "I have to get to it," he says. "Well," the angel says,
"you just do that, but for the rest of your life, whenever you look at a
daisy, it will wilt and turn foul on you and you will never gain pleasure from
it." The man falls to his knees, hysterical with laughter. The angel asks him
what's so funny. The man points across the fairway and says, "George is over
there in the pussy willows."
My little brother wanted a bike for his birthday very badly. Alas, we were
poor and he had no chance of getting one.
His faith in the Lord was strong, though, and he prayed and prayed for a bike.
When he didin't get one he wasn't swayed -- he prayed even harder. Another
year rolled around and he still didn't have a bike.
Finally he realized that the Lord didn't work that way.
So he stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness instead.
How can a man tell if he's just slept with a hooker, his mistress, or his
wife?
* The hooker says, "Well, how did you like it?"
* His mistress says, "I hope it was as good for you as it was for
me!"
* His wife says, "Beige........I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
One day, a teacher was going over some new words with her students. The
first word was "beautiful", and she asked if anyone knew what it meant. One
little girl, always the little lady, raised her hand to answer.
"It means something is very pretty, Ma'am," she said. "That's right," said
the teacher,"and can you use it in a sentence?"
"My teacher is very beautiful," said the littl girl. "That is a very good
sentence, and thank you," said the teacher.
The next word was "wonderful", and again the teacher asked for the meaning.
A little boy, sometimes known to be a rascal, raised his hand to answer.
Reluctantly, she called on him.
"It means something that you this is very special," said the lad. "That's
right," said the teacher, relieved, "and can you use it in a sentence?"
"My teacher is the most wonderful teacher in the whole world!", he
exclaimed. "Thank you, and that was a 'wonderful' sentence!"
The third word gave her some trouble..... it was "urinate". To compound
matters, the only child who volunteered to answer was the rottenest littls
scoundrel in the class. But she decided to give him a chance. After all, she
had been pleasantly surprised by the last lad. Reluctantly, she asked him for
the definition.
"I don't know the definition," said the boy, "but I can use it in a
sentence."
"All right, you may do that, then maybe you will be able to think of a
definition. Go ahead."
"I love you teacher, and urinate, but you'd be a 10 if you had bigger tits!"
Two old ladies driving in a VW bug. When the engine gives out, the first old
lady opens up the hood and says, "No wonder! Someone's stolen the engine!"
The second old lady says, "Don't worry! I've got a spare in the trunk!"
Didja hear about the <ethnic> who locked his keys in his car?
He needed to get in because he left the top down.
9rabbi Rabinovitch loved suckling pig. Couldn't get enough of it. Trouble was,
being Jewish, this was a no-no. So, every year on the Day of Forgiveness, the
good Rabbi would drive 50 miles to a town three towns away to this small
little back alley Chinese restaurant and order suckling pig.
Well, sure enough, one year he just got served the pig, when the president of
his congretation should stroll by the window. Seeing his rabbi about to dig
in, he runs into the restaurant yelling "Rabbi! Rabbi! Do you know what
you're doing?"
The Rabbi looks up at him, looks at the pig, and says, "I ordered an apple and
look how they served it ..."
Q. How do you confuse an Irishman
A. Show him three shovels and tell him to take his pick!
It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher
asked some of her students to tell the class a story
of something that had happened to them over the summer
break in which they learned a moral.
The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to
my father's farm, and oneday we counted the eggs in
the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get,
but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs.
The moral I learned was don't count your chickens
before they're hatched."
"Very good," said the teacher.
The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day
my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and
on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who
spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying
to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk."
Very good," said the teacher.
The third student stood up and said, "My father told me
one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was
stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels,
12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the
whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and
blew up 20 more with the grenades."
"Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten
from such a story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't fuck with my dad when he's drunk."
There was this girl that married a greek fellow. Her mother told her all
about greek fellows the night before the wedding. She said, 'honey, those
greek fellows are ok, but the wanna do strange things. When you go to sleep
with him make sure you don't turn over no matter what he say. It's no good.
God does not approve of their way' The daughter said ok and got married the
next day. The wedding night she went to bed with her husband and everything
went ok for about 2 years. Finally here husband said to her' turn over
sweetheart, i wanna do it adifferent way'At that she screamed and started
crying saying it wasn't natural and here mother warned her about it and she
wasn't gonna do it. Finally her husband had enough and said,"Honey, don't you
wanna have kids????"
RB} Two cannibals stirring a pot which contains a psychic.
RB}
RB} 1st C. to 2nd C. "We better serve him soon, you know the
RB} chief likes his medium rare!"
how about the cannibal who was late to dinner?
.....He got the cold shoulder...
Did you hear they were putting pictures of missing gay guys on the back of
vaseline jars? Of course they only showed the BACKS of their heads...
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust
if Liberace ate Pussy
he'd still be with us.
FROM: THE BOOTLEGGER FROM PUNKIN COUNTY
TO: THE CREDIT BUREAU
Dear Sir;
I just received your super heated letter in regards to the bill which I owe
you. You said, in your letter, that you could have been paid a long time ago
and you couldn't understand why you were not paid. Well, I will enlighten you.
In 1951, I bought a saw mill on credit. In 1952, I bought a team of oxen, a
timber cart, two ponies, a twelve gauge shotgun, a winchester, a 38 police
revolver; also a razorback hog, all on the damn installment plan. In 1959, the
saw mill burned down and didn't leave me a damn thing. One of the ponies died
and I loaned the other one to a son of a bi**h who let it starve to death and
then I joined the church.
In 1961, my father died and my brother was lynched for horse stealing. A
railroader knocked up my daughter and it cost me $5,000 to pay the doctor to
keep the little bas*ard from being a relative of mine.
In 1962, my boy got the mumps and they went down on him. The doctor had to
casterate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turn-
ed over and I lost the biggest catfish I ever had. Two of my boys got drowned
neither being the one who wass castrated.
In 1966, my wife ran off with a fat S.O.B. and left me a pair of twins for a
-souvenier. Then I married the hired girl to keep expenses down but had trouble
getting her to go off. I sent for the doctor and he advised me to create an
excitement about the time I thought she was ready. That night I took her to
bed and when she was ready I stuck the gun out the window and pulled the
trigger. My wife shi* in the bed and I ruptured myself and shot the best cow I
ever had.
In 1969, I got burned out and took to drinking. I didn't stop until all I
had
left was a Waterbury Watch and kidney trouble. Then for some time all I did
was
wind my watch and piss.
The next year I decided to start all over again, so I bought a manure
spreader, a binder, and a thrashing machine all on credit. Along came a
cyclone
and blew everything to the next state. My wife caught the clap from the
travel-
ing salesman and my boy wiped his as* on a corn cob that had rat poison on it.
And some bas*ard nutted my best bull.
Now at the present if it cost a nickle to shi* I'd have to vomit. Yet you
said you can cause me trouble. Trying to get money out of me would be like
trying to poke butter up a wild cats' as*hole with a hot knife, but mister you
are welcome to try.
SIGNED, NO NAME
Ronald Reagan was in his last weeks at the White House, and it had been
snowing outside. On one of his daily walks around the grounds, he saw "REAGAN
SUCKS" written in piss in the snow. He became irate and called in the FBI and
NSA to find out who would do such a terrible thing. About two hours later,
some agents returned to the Oval Office to talk to Ron.
"Well, Mr. President, we have some good news, some bad news, and some really
bad news."
"What's the good news?" Reagan asked.
"We found out who did it."
"What's the bad news?"
The agent replied, "It was Jesse Jackson."
Reagan blew up. "After all I've done for him and his people, I can't
believe....how could he.....well, what's the really bad news?"
"It was Nancy's handwriting!"
Two elderly Jewish ladies run into one another on the street in Miami
Beach. "So, Esther, I haven't been seeing you for a while. How are
you, darling?" "To tell you the truth, not so good, Gussie. The
doctor says I have cancer." "Eh, cancer, schmancer, so long as you
have your health, right?"
A rabbi and a Catholic priest were joshing each other one day. "You ought to
try pork, the Priest said. It's really good."
"Try girls, their even better," quoth the rabbi.
How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
Q. How do you confuse an Irishman ?
A. Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner!
I was driving to work this morning when all of a sudden, a little
elf appeared on the seat next to me.
"I'll grant you any wish you like," he said.
"Why don't I get three wishes?" I asked.
"Because I'm an elf, not a genie!" he said.
"Ok," I said, "I'd like to have $1000 for every day of the rest
of my life."
The elf thought a minute, then gave me a $50.
If God had meant us to be thin
he would have made Sara Lee
a bricklayer
The older I get the better
I used to be...
Two gays driving in their car have an accident with a man driving an
eighteen wheeler. One of the gays jumps out of his crumpled auto and
starts yelling at the trucker. The trucker says, "Aw, why doncha suck
my cock!?". The gay returns to his friend in the car and says, "Don't
worry about this one, I think I can settle out of court!"
Here is a Bumber Snicker:
"Like Sex? Like to Travel? Go take a F#*CKING hike !!! "
Yeah, I knew that guy too. One day we were playing a round and we were on the
eighth hole when a funeral proceded by. He stopped in mid swing and removed
his hat while the hearse drove by, and then proceded to make his shot.
Afterward, I asked him "we've played here for twelve years and seen a hundred
funerals go by, why did you stop for this one"? To which he replied "I've
been married to the poor woman for over twenty years"!!!
THERE WAS A MAN FROM THE OLD COUNTRY who STRUGGLED UP FROM POVERTY AND BECAME
A RICH MILLIONARE. HE STARTED OUT AS A BOY SELLING HOT DOGS FOR 5 CENTS APIECE
OUT OF A BUGGY AND FORTY YEARS LATER HE WAS THE LARGEST MEAT PACKER IN THE
AREA . HE HAD A FACTORY SEVEN BLOCKS LONG, FIVE BLOCKS WIDE AND SEVEN STORIES
HIGH. HE HAD A WIFE THAT WAS BETTER THAN A $400.00 WOMAN IN BED AND SHE COULD
COOK BETTER THAN OSCAR OF THE WALDORF. HE LIVED LIKE A KING AND WANTED FOR
NOTHING. THIS MAN WAS GINSBURG, THE MEAT PACKER. THE ONLY FLY IN HIS SOUP
WAS HIS DUMB SON. the dumb shmuck of a son did not graduate high school until
he was 26 years old. he was really STOOOPID. the old man was bound and
determined that the dumb shmuck have a college degree. so ginsburg bought a
university, bribed the professors to teach the kid how to be successful at
cheating on examinations and hired tutors. finally, when the kid was 44
years old he called old man ginsburg from school and told his old man that he
finally graduated and got his degree. the old man was thrilled and
said, " come home fast. i have a real good surprise for you." the dummy
answered," it probably ain't nuttin. no big deal, but i am coming home."
as soon as the mutt came home ginsburg drove the shmuck to the packing plant
and pointed to the roof. there stood a neon sign three blocks long and four
stories high and it said in real big letters, GINSBURG AND SON MEAT PACKING
COMPANY.
the old man said "you are now a partner. you like this?" the dummy
answered, " dat aint nuttin. no big deal." the old man was dismayed at the
attitude of the dummy but said nothing.
ginsburg took the mutt into the main office suite where there was money laying
all over the floor, clerks were scooping the money up with snow shovels,
baling it like waste paper, weighing the bales of money on big scales and
putting the bales on dump trucks to take it to the bank. the old man said,
" you are a partner now. its all half yours. you like this?" the dummy
said, "dis ain't much. no big deal." ginsburg began to boil but said
nothing and took further on a tour of the plant. he showed the dummy a
machine five blocks long. at one end cowboys were driving whole herds of
cattle into the machine. at the other end of the machine came out chops,
roasts, steaks, leather shoes and coats and belts, soupbones and everything
was neatly packaged in saran wrap and priced. the old man said, "i designed
and built the machine and it is standard in the industry now. it cost me
forty million dollars. its half yours now. you like this?" the dummy
answered, " no big deal. it ain't very much." the old man was ready
to boil over but said nothing.
they came to the next machine and it was three blocks long. at
one end men were dumping whole truckloads of pigs into a funnel that was four
stories high. five blocks down was coming out all kinds of sausages.
smoked, salted, pickled, raw, skinless and fresh. italian, polish, kosher,
all kinds and in any size and shape and all were neatly packed, labeled and
priced. the old man said, " i just designed this and built it myself. it
cost me 60 million bucks and we are now the only ones in the world that have
one like this. you are a partner. it is half yours. You like this?"
the dummy said, "no big deal. dis ain't nuttin. why don't you reverse it so
you put in sausages and get live pigs."
ginsburg boiled over. he said to the dummy, "ONLY YOUR MOTHER HAS SUCH A
MACHINE."
Did ya hear the one about the tugboat who was so down hearted when she
learned that her mother was a tramp and her father was a ferry?
There was a Frenchman, Englishman and Texan talking about what drove their
women wild. The Frenchman said I put rose petals on my wife's naked body, and
blow them of gently. It drives her wild! The Englishman said I rub oil all
over my wife very gently, and the drives her crazy! So the two turn to the
Texan and ask, What do you do to drive your wife wild? The Texan says, I wipe
my dick off on the bedroom curtains!
Subject: Newsflash!
Dateline Warsaw.......
Polish airline flight 12 crashed while taking off from Warsaw International
Airport. The Boeing 727 crashed into a local cemetary. The Polish National
Newservice reports that 800 have been found dead.
Polish Airlines representative Tedus Kasabowski reports that many more
bodies are expected to be found when digging resumes in the morning.
Why did the chicken cross the Road?
Ans: to prove to the opossum it could be done!
Teachers' Guide to Words that make Kids Snicker:
1. Perhaps one of Nature's Greatist Marvels
Is the Simple Morning Dew.
2. No one really knows how the Great Pyramids
were erected.
3. Who can tell us if there are rings around
Uranus.
4. When it's wet out we mustn't forget our
Rubbers.
5. It's extremely hot in the Bowels of the
Earth.
--- From School is Hell
Did you hear about the polock that broke his leg at the golf course?
A->He fell off the ball washer.
Didja hear about the guy who could spin straw into gold and was hung
like a bear?
His name was Rumpletforskin.
Two old maids were in a movie theatre, watching the film, when one turned to
the other and said, "Gertrude? the man on the other side of me is playing
with himself!"
Gertrude brindled: "Heavens! we must leave immediately!
"We can't."
"Why not?"
"He's using MY hand . . . "
A COSIGNER IS A SCHMUCK WITH A BALL POINT PEN.
There were three old men talking about their problems.
The one says "i wish I could get up in the morning and take a good
piss" The next guy says "I wish I could get up in the morning and
take a good crap" the last guy says "Guys, i take a good piss every
morning at 8. I take a good crap at 9. I just wish I could get out
of bed by 10"
Three Jewish ladies were chatting together. One had a joke for the other two:
"Nu, Girls, did you know that the pope raised all the urinals in the
Vatican by 6" to keep the cardinals on their toes?"
The others thought it was a panic and laughed like crazy.
Well, the one who told the joke (whose house it was) had to leave to answer the
phone.
"Nu, Becky, so tell me. What's a urinal?"
"How should I know. I'm not a Catholic."
"Sex is a sexually transmitte disease"
That's supposed to be "Children are a sexually
transmitted disease."
A new, beautiful, yoeman had just been assigned to assist Captain Kirk
with his paperwork. After a few days, she came to him complaining that some
of the crewmen had drilled a hole into her sonic shower in her quarters. The
Captain promised to look into it.
Q:What do you call 200 morons in room, drinking tab, eating apples, and
singing?
A: The moron Tab-and-apple choir!
Q:What's the difference between a Rolls Royce and a valley girl?
A: Not everyone's been in a Rolls Royce!
Finally, How can you tell if a woman is a bull dike?
A: She rolls her own tampons!
'America...LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT.'
I just like it.. Can I live on the border?
'My OTHER car is a PORSCHE'
Not anymore..I just STOLE it!
'Have you hugged your wife lately?'
No..I've been too busy fucking yours!
I brake for no apparant reason
If you don't like my driving.. Stay off the sidewalk!
(I would appreciate some NEW Bumper sticker rebuttles)
..James
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were touring Russia. Their Guide, Rudolph, argued all the
time. As the couple was leaving Moscow, the husband said, "Look, it's snowing
out".
The guide disagreed, "No, Sir, it's raining out."
"I still think it's snowing." said Mr. Smith.
But his wife replied. "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."
The difference between a cowboy from texas and a cowboy from Oklahoma
is that the cowboy from Oklahoma has the shit on the Outside of his boots.
Q. How do you know your dandruff is out of control????
A. When your crabs have to wear snow-shoes!!!!
What do you call a woman who got rid of 230 pounds of ugly fat?
DIVORCEE!
Johnny was watching some men working on a construction site. He stayed
there for hours watching them, and then went home.
"What have you been doing?" his father asks him.
"Watching those assholes down at the site." he replies.
"Don't talk like that around me!" yells the father.
"Fuck off, boss", he says.
"Johnny, I'll teach you not to talk like that around me! Go get me a
switch from outside"
"Fuck you. That's the electricians job!" says Johnny.
Two dogs are waiting in a Vet's office, a Pit Bull and a Great Dane. The Great
dane says to the Pit Bull, "So why are you here?" Well says the Pit Bull, " I
was sitting in my yarden this pretty young girl walked by. I couldn't
control myself and I bit her, so their going to "put me to sleep.." "Oh" says
the Great Dane. "So why are you here?" asks the Pit Bull."Well" says the Great
Dane, "I was in the powder room with my mistres when se bent over to pick her
towel up." "Needless to say I couldn't controll myself and I mounted her."
"Owwww" says the Pit Bull "Thats to bad , so their going to put you to sleep
to huh..." "No"
says the Great Dane "I'm only here to have my nails clipped!"
There was a postion open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got
the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each
one seperately. He asked the first applicant in.
"I'm going to ask you just one question." says the president, "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."
"Thank you, we will get back to you" Replied the president.
The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and
says "Five."
The president replies "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call
you."
The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"
The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the
room and replies "What would you like it to be?"
The president exclaims "YOU'RE MY MAN!"
Did you hear about the new VD film they're using in High Schools?
It's called "See Dick Run".
What do you call a skinny protestant?
A: A wisp.
Three traveling salesmen, an American, a Polack and a Black mam, were driving
down a dirt road when there car just up and died. Well, they had seen a farm
house about a mile back up the road. They all took off jogging and got there
about sun set. They knocked at the door, and a nice, elderly farmer opened the
door. They used the phone to call the local garages, but they were all closed.
Not knowing what else to do, they asked permission to stay the night at the
farmers house. They farmer said that if they wanted to, they were welcome to
stay in the barn. He showed them out to the barn, and showed them where to
stay. He then warned them to stay outta the tree in the back yard. His
daughter was getting ready to marry Billy Joe Jim John Jake Franks, and he
didn't want any peeping toms. They all easily agreed, and went in to the barn.
After about an hour of talking, they are all very curious as to what this
daughter looks like. They finally decide to climb the tree, but quietly. When
they get to the top of the tree, the look in the window, and see this very
bueatiful, naked, young lady standing in front of a mirror. They are all
getting an eyefull of this big brested, tight assed, big bushed lady, when the
farmed walkes out side, having heard them, and yells, "Who's in that tree?".
The three freeze. The American gets an idea and, very carefully, "Meow.
Meow.". The Black man, having cought on, says, "Tweet, tweet." The polack,
having realized what is going on says, "Moo! Moo! Moo!"
There was this traveling
salesman, and like all of his breed (traveling-salesman-joke salesman) he
wasn't too bright. Being dumb and in a joke, he got lost in the country
and stopped by a farm house for directions. The farmer told him just how
lost he was, and the salesman decided it would be easier to spend the night
and start fresh in the morning. The farmer agreed, and put him up in a
breeze-way between the house and the barn. "The only thing I insist on,
youngster," said the farmer, "is that you put nothing in the holes in the
wall."
Now, this was, after all, a traveling salesman in a
traveling-salesman-joke. Besides being stupid, his breed is also horny as
hell, and he became so curious about the farmer's strange rule that he
eventually talked himself into putting his pecker into these holes in the
wall, just to see what would happen! In the first hole, he got a real good
feeling for about twenty minutes. That was great! In the second hole, he
got an even better feeling for nearly forty minutes. Even better! So he
finds a third hole, and confidently plugs right in. Something on the other
side grabbed hold of him, and held him pinned to the wall for the rest of
the night.
In the morning, the farmer came out to find this salesman
desparately trying to free himself from the wall. "Didn't I tell you to
leave the ding-blasted holes alone?!" demanded the farmer. In his pain and
desparation, the salesman admitted all. "What?!" screamed the farmer.
"Why, that first hole you pointed to is the wall of my wife's bedroom, and
the second one is on the other side from where my SIXTEEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
SLEEPS! I OUGHTA BLAST YOU!!!" The farmer went into the barn to get his
shotgun. When he came out, he said "son, I thought it over, and I see
you've learnt your lesson. Whenever you get out of there, you're free to
go." To which the desparate salesman replied, "then you know what's got
hold of me? Please tell me!"
The farmer grinned. "Why, son, that there's the milking machine!
It'll let go when it gets eight quarts."
What do you call a gay milkman ?
A Dairy Queen.
What is gross???
You're served a rump roast and it farts....
No man stands so tall as he does when he catches himself in his zipper
An old man goes in to see his doctor with various complaints. The Doctor
takes his history and gets to the question about sex. "How often to you
engage in intercourse?" the M.D. asked. Infrequently was the reply from the
old man. "Is that one word or two" retorted the Doc.
What is the difference between blacks and snowtires?
Snow tires do not sing when you put chains on them.
I hit his car because he got to close.
I let him try out my motorcycle. He was climbing a hill and didn't know the
hill went down the other side and crashed.
I slipped on a string bean in the supermarket. My right leg was bruised and
it's hard to walk on my lower back.
I drove my truck under a bridge and it didn't fit.
I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he'd been run over
before.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.
The reason I have water damage is because I mistook the left side of the
bridge to be the right side.
whadda country !!!!!
Did you hear of the sign on a condom machine that said,
"THIS GUM TASTE LIKE RUBBER"
It seems that the "Toys R Us" toy store chain has been bought by a
predominantly black corporation. They're changing the name to "We Be Toys An'
Shit."
A GENTLEMAN of the hebraic pursuasion had been raised in an exclusively
jewish milieu in the old country and knew nothing of the outside world.
he came to america in the pioneer days of the old west and set up shop in
a small town in the aforesaid old west. one wintry day carolers came
through the town past his shop shouting "christ has risen. christ has
risen." the greenhorn was quite perplexed because he had never heard
this phrase before and did not know or understand its meaning. he slept
on the matter and when he awoke the next morning he had fingered out the
problem. he went into the back of the shop and painted a sign to hang in
the front of his shop. the sign said, CHRIST HAS RISEN BUT OUR PRICES
REMAIN THE SAME."
Subject: Wit and Wisdom of Rodney Dangerfield
Good crowd..good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok
now but last week I was in rough shape.. you know.
Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought
for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing
pens.
When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could..but he pulled
through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every
room.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.
Subject: Wit and wisdon.....Part 2
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in
the electric chair.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help
me find my parents. I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever find
them." He said.."I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can
hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on
the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He
said.."On your mark..."
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me.
Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!
Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture
of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I
woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.
He felt up my wife!
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet
she won't drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with
an axe!
For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!
This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of
the Loom guys laughing at me.
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from
New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York.I asked him.. "How
am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That is why we
give you 21 days."
They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do?
Jerk him off too?
At christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a
present he gave me!
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.
Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to
watch herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me
to time an egg.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.."Why
should I.. you never put out for me."
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said.."No..
one drag is enough."
I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude..but
I didn't see the mouse trap.
A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody home." I
went over. Nobody was home!
Subject: Wit & Wisdom...Part 4
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to message parlor. It was self service.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.."Are
you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I
hate myself now."
She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms.
She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that...
- She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. "One at a
time."
- Her bath tub has stretch marks.
- Her belly button makes an echo.
- She has her own postal code.
- She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS" bra.
- She has a dress with a sign on the back saying.. "Caution
wide load."
- Her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
- When guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
- One day I ran into her with my car. She asked me why I
didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had
enough gas.
- Her bikini is made out of two bed bed sheets.
- When guys eat her out they ask for provisions for the trip.
- Her mother ripped when she had her.
- She uses a septic tank for a toilet.
She was so ugly that...
- She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly
that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head
breaks.
- I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair
on her legs.
- I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
- They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
- I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes
started to attack her.
- She looks like she came second in a hatchet fight!
- The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of
it.
- She has a face like a saint. A saint bernard
Subject: Wit & Wisdom...Part 5
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The
bartender asked me.. "What'll you have?" I said.."surprise me." He
showed me a naked picture of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she
called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her
boyfriend.
One day..as I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are you doing that for?" He said..
"Because you came home early."
I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
Once in a restuarant I made a toast to her.."The best woman a man ever
had." The waiter joined me.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning..put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my breifcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid
to go to the bathroom!
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown
necktie.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms.
Why every time he smokes..he blows onion rings.
My physchiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. "If you don't
mind I'd like a second opion. "He said.."Alright..you're ugly too."
I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and
said.. "Look...twins!"
Subject: Wit & Wisdom...Part 6
I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem...I don't
know who to thank!
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed
around six girls and one of them had VD.
I went to see my doctor.. you know him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I
told him once.. "Doctor.. every morning when I get up and look in the
tg mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said.."I
don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to
have a few drinks and get some rest.
I told him I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of
penicillin.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to
play with!
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
The new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how
he could possibly relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week, it might be
helpful if you put martinis in the water pitcher."
The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice
and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he ased the Monsignor
how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few
things you should learn before you address the congregation again."
1. Next time, sip the martinis rather than down them glassful by glassful.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the sh*t out of him.
5. We do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and His Disciples as
"The late J.C. and the Boys."
6. Next Sunday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big
Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
9. When you leave the altar, walk down the steps, don't slide down the
rail.
10. And last but not least, please, it's the Virgin Mary, not "The Mary
with the cherry."
I hear that Rob Lowe has two more videos coming out this summer ----
"INVASION OF THE BABY SNATCHES"
"CLOSE ENCOUNTERS WITH THE THIRD GRADE"
Subject: Perils of the classifieds....
A Translator's Guide to Job Ad Buzzwords
Phrase Meaning
______ _______
Fast-paced environment Not very relaxed.
Energetic and enthusiastic Willingness to accept exploitation naively.
Outdated methodologies Methods of other companies.
State-of-the-art What us, the good guys, do.
Team environment No privacy and too many meetings.
The ... family You socialize with work cronies or else
get ostracized.
Extra effort Lots of unpaid overtime.
Friendly group ... See "the ... family".
Key part of ... project A way of making you feel important so that
you can justify being burned out to yourself.
Be a part of the ... team This phrase is a test to see if you are an
eager beaver or a social misfit --- both types
that companies love to exploit.
Growth Phrase used by start-up companies. Usually
means the place is a sweat shop.
A ... attitude Means the place is full of phony smiles,
office politics, etc. because you are required
to have some sort of pose. Executives
probably have hemorrhoids.
Good communication skills Has nothing to do with correct grammar, good
voice quality, or even empathy. I think it
means the boss likes your vibes.
Ability to interface with ... Means that you must be the liaison between two
or more groups of people who hate each other
and would not like to be together in the same
room. Example: vendor versus users.
A growing group of ... Means they haven't hired sufficient people to
handle the current order backlog. Look out!
Be a part of the ongoing ... Means you're going to jump into a project that
you didn't help to start. Might mean they're
late and need to throw personnel at the
problem.
That Old Tyme Religion:
What do you throw at a wedding where the bride is pregnant?
Puffed rice.
What do you get when you mix holy water and castor oil?
A religious movement.
Why did Moses get so upset when God was talking to him on Mount
Sinai?
He said," You mean we're the chosen people, and we still have to cut
off the tips of our what?"
___________________________________________________________________
The vacationing couple came back to their hotel room after a big
night on the town. The husband climbed into the shower, then called
to his wife to put his shoes out in the hall so the bellboy would
pick them up to be shined. His wife, too drunk to care that she was
naked, marched out in the hall.
She sobered up fast, however, shen she saw a man who was even
drunker staggering down the hall. Her first reaction was to hold
the shoes up to cover her most precious part.
When the drunk saw the shows in place, he yelled, "That's it Shorty.
Give her everything you got!"
An astronomer's comment was heinous:
"We should not let convention restrain us.
Though I've made a career
Out of Venus, my dear,
I am tempted to switch to Uranus."
God was ready to take a vacation, so he called to some angels and asked for
suggestions of good places to go.
"Go to Mercury," one angel said. "You can get a great tan!"
"Nah," replied God. "I was there 3 million years ago and did get a great
tan, but it gets too hot there."
"Try Pluto," another angel proposed. "The skiing is fine all year 'round!"
"No," said God. "I went to Pluto 2 million years ago, and the skiing was
good, but the climate is too cold."
"Try Earth," volunteered a third angel. "The climate is moderate, and you
can both ski and sunbathe."
"NO WAY will I go to EARTH!!" God exclaimed. "I was there 2000 years ago,
got a jewish girl pregnant, and they're STILL looking for me!"
When your sister comes home from a party, takes her panties off, slings 'em
against the wall, & they stick.
Polish sex manual:
<------------------------
IN
------------------------>
OUT
REPEAT IF NECESSARY
Q: How do you know that your housed was robbed by a Polish burglar?
A: The garbage has been eaten and the dog is pregnant.
A Pole walks into a bar and presents to the bartender a handful of sh*t.
"Hey Harry, look what I almost stepped in!"
While the Pole is busy cleaning his hands with a towel the bartender
provided, a customer walks up to the bar.
"Give me a WW," he says.
"What's that?", says the Pole to the bartender.
"A white wine," comes the reply.
Another customer walks up.
"Gimme an RC," he says to the bartender.
"What's that?" asks the Pole.
"That's a rum and coke," sayst the bartender.
Now it's the Pole's turn. "Give me a 15," he says.
"A 15? What's a 15," demands the bartender.
"Why, a 7 and 7, of course."
A Pole suspected his wife of infidelity and began to follow her
movements. He left the house one morning, but rather than go off to
work, he waited in the bushes. Sure enough, his suspicions were
justified. A stranger arrived and and was let in by the man's wife.
Summoning up his courage, he rushed into the house and flung open the
bedroom door. There was his wife in bed with the starnger. Crazy with
jealousy, he pulled out a gun and put it to his own head. Seeing this,
his wife and her lover both burst out laughing.
"Don't laugh!" the man shouted. "You're next!"
---------------
A realtor was showing an apartment to a couple. The couple were puzzled,
however, when every few minutes the realtor would rush to the window and
shout, "Green side up!" Finally, they could constrain their curiosity no
longer and asked what was going on.
"It's my Polish landscaper." he replied. "He's laying some new sod."
---------------
Q: Why does General Mills make so much money selling Cheerios in Poland?
A: They label the boxes 'doughnut seeds'.
---------------
A young Polish girl was hitchhiking on the highway and was picked up by
a trucker. When she climbed into the cab, she noticed an enormous CB
radio and asked the trucker about it.
"Why, darlin' that's the best CB radio in existence. You can talk to
anyone in the world on that baby."
"Really?" remarked the girl. "I'd give anything to talk to my mother in
Poland"
"Anything?" asked the trucker. "Maybe we can work something out." And
with that, he began to unzip his fly and pushed the girl's head down to
his lap.
The girl leaned down, and shouted into the man's crotch, "Hello, mama?"
Q: A Pole, an Italian and a Puerto Rican jump off the Empire State
building. Who lands first?
A: The Italian. The Puerto Rican stops to write on the walls - and the
Pole stops to ask directions.
A Charming young woman named Pat
Would invite one to do this and that
When speaking of this
She meant more than a kiss
So imagine her meaning of that.
There was a young lady of Trent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine:
Private room, lots of wine.
She knew-O she knew!-but she went.
A staid schizophrenic named Struther,
When told of the death of his brother,
Said: "Yes I'm sad;
It makes me feel bad,
But then, I still have each other."
There once was a bright young physician
Who was known for his vast erudition;
He felt it a crime
To waste any time
So he read while engaged in coition.
Excuses, Excuses!
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today," wrote a
parent. "Please execute him."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent," wrote another parent. "She was sick
and I had her shot."
These drastic measures were inadvertently taken in notes written by parents
to excuse their children's absences from school.
In all fairness to pupils throughout the land, I must point out that
slaughtering the English language is a practice that is not limited opnly to
students. An astonishing number of grownups blithely go about murdering the
King's English without any inkling that they are committing a serious crime.
If you think that today's students aren't learning all they should, check
out some of the writing miscreated by their moms and dads. the following are
actual excuse notes received by teachers.
Dear School:
Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very
close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several
mispellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits.
Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.
Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to
get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday,
we thought it was Sunday.
Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not
find him till I started making the beds.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a
funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
weekend with the Marine's.
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't
the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going
around school, her father even got hot last night.
The following has been borrowed from the History discussion group,
contributed by Gary Woodill (FCTY7310@RYERSON), who in turn got it
from another source. Since we all need something to cheer us up at
this time of year, I'm passing it on to you. Apologies to those that
need them. --W.M.]
A BRIEF HISTORY OF EUROPE
(Five year veteran of the University classsroom, historian Anders
Eriksson -- possibly as an act of vengeance -- has assembled a
brief history of Europe from the Middle Ages to the present,
derived from papers submitted by his freshman classes at McMaster
University and the University of Alberta. The spelling is
as written.)
* * * * * * * * * *
History, as we know, is always bias because human beings have to
be studied by other human beings not by independent observers of
another species.
During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle-aged. Church and
state were co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks,
lords and surfs.
After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeped into Europe
merchants appeared. They roamed from town to town exposing
themselves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. Mideval
people were violent. Murder during this period was nothing.
Everybody killed someone.
England fought numerously for land in France and ended up winning
and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions
made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town"
of Christ) from the Islams.
Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a
social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by
intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port
by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergance of the
English language as the national language of England, France
and Italy.
The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from
the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more
individuals felt the value of their human being.
Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if
heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Europe was
full of incredable churches with great art bulging out their
doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
The Reformation happened when German nobles resented the idea
that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope thus enriching
Catholic coiffures. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to
a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation
mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the
days of the ancients.
The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on
seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the
19th century.
After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. Louis
XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and
artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows
to row for the rest of their lives.
The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book
called Candy that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great.
Philosophers were unknown yet and the fundamental stake was one
of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism.
The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The
revolution evolved through monarchial, republican and tolarian
phases until it catapulted into Napolean.
Great Brittian, the USA and other European countrys had
demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a
rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas
beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were
universal suferage and an anal parliament. Voting was to be done
by ballad.
A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon.
Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an
army. Here, too, was the new Germany; Loud, bold, vulgar and full
of reality.
Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Wagner was master
of music and people did not forget their own artists. France had
Chekov.
World War I broke out around 1912-1914. German was on one side of
France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed and
then they aren't people anymore but friends. Peace was proclaimed
at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of
England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers.
In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants
and the civil war "team colors" were red and white.
Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler.
Germany was morbidly overexcited and unbalanced. Berlin became
the decadent capital, where all sorts of sexual deprivations were
practised. A huge anti-Semantic movement arose.
Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium and Russia invaded
everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was
dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out...and
their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
According to Fromm. individuation began historically in medieval
times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing
experience as adolesecence experiences its life development. The
last stage is us.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD
'The World According to Student Bloopers'
by Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
(Spring 1987, Verbatim, The Language Quarterly, Vol. XIII,
No. 4)
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History
teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in
an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the
world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by
teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through
college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived
in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so
certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
cube. They Pramids are a range mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain. once asked, "Am I my
brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount
Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark.
Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
patriarchs. but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was
a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns--Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also
had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intollerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer
also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a
coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because
people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in
Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb
over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought
with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the
Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At
Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to
be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his
troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized
by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on
their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man
should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the
value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died
a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the
father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh
is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII
found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they
all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing
tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous
plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a
long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same
time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was
known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock,
they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling
their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises
on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with
their cabooses which proved very fatal to them. The winter of
1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many
babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red
Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The
dogs were barking and the peacocks were crowing. Finally, The
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had
gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf
of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats
backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became
the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United
States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the
Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mothe died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore
only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and
the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But
the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and
other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world. and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme
song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.
During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were
trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down
from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became
ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a
baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen
Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were
exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick
raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented
a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the
Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became
one of the Marx brothers.
top
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
history.
*****END*****
A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED
ELEMENT : Male Human
CHEMICAL SYMBOL : MA
DISCOVERER : Eve
ATOMIC WEIGHT : Accepted as 165 but is known to vary from 120 to 250 lbs
(mutations have been known to exceed 800 lbs.)
OCCURRENCE : Quantities in all urban areas
APPROVED FORMULA : 15.5:32:40
USES : I) Useful when accompanying element WO, especially in
sports cars
II) Most powerful agent for allowing money to run
through fingers
III) Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous
source of frustration
PHYSICAL PROP. : I) Surfaces hairy, sometimes bristly
II) Boils at inappropriate times and freezes during
highly competitive sporting activity
III) Melts if given the proper treatment
IV) Bitter if used incorrectly
V) Found in various states, especially Alaska
VI) Non-magnetic, some bordering on superconductivity
VII) Yields to pressure applied by opposite elements
VIII) In its natural state it varies considerably, but
the shape is often artificially changed to conform
to that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations
can be seen at beaches and arenas
IX) In some instances may start to gain weight and look
like they have swallowed a keg of beer causing them
to release noxious gases noisily
X) Emits putrid fumes after vigorous activity
CHEMICAL PROP. : I) Possesses a great affinity for gold and silver in
top layers while lower layers tend to be laden with
lead
II) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive
substances
III) May explode spontaneously if left alone with a
female
IV) Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by
saturation in alcohol
V) Properties are vastly improved if specimen is
placed in the dark and massaged
VI) Most fusable with element WO
TESTS : I) Pure specimens turn leathery if found in the
natural state
II) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen
CAUTIONS : I) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must
be used with great care and patience if experiments
are to succeed
II) It is illegal to possess more than one
III) When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate
counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD
FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINITELY
IV) Tendancy toward self-destruction when ego is burned
V) Age of specimen is in direct proportion to the
expense of having him around
Subject: An analysis of the element WOMAN
FEMALE ANALYSIS
Women--Chemical Analysis
Element: Women
Symbol: WO
Discovered by: ADAM
Atomic Weight: Average expected as 118, but there are known isotopes
ranging from 90 to 260, with highly radioactive occurrences at 250 and
better (avoid at all costs).
Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
(except the general location referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE)
Chemical Properties:
1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au), silver(Ag), platinum(Pt), and
precious and semi-precious stones and minerals.
2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with saturation
in ethanol (alcohol).
5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.
Mental Properties:
1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought process that
the specimen follows.
a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected
realizations of test availability dates constantly slip.
Physical Properties:
1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting irregularities,
usually selectively covered in painted films.
a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each fingernail.
b) Some specimen will exhibit a tendency towards thick applications
of films resulting in eyes that look like they are bulging out
of there heads. Beware this variety as they may be prone to
cracking resulting in a realization of what you see ain't what
you get or lead poisoning.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal to
common ore.
6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma.
7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held close to (at
times causing overheating).
Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known.
3. Can aid in relaxation.
4. Some versions capable of brightening the day.
5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for what ever
reason.
a) Use with CAUTION. Positive and Negative results have been obtained
for a given stimuli depending on version.
6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE.
7. Making dinner reservations.
8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to perform
trivial tasks.
Tests:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state.
2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen.
3. Become coy when confronted with truth.
Caution:
1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite of the
fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of more than one
of the male gender, and, lie about it.
3. Terrible drivers.
4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous outbursts.
5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag.
6. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can expand
on the idea "weaker sex".
Disorder In The Court!
Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are uttered,
vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken
during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of court reporters whose job
it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Court is now in session, and here are my favorite transquips, all
recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember
his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
first name!
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did yuour husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cheney and said he was really good.
Seen on a wall facing a major road...
" I lust for you know whose .....
... you know what "
Q. What is the difference between your paycheque and a blow
job ??
A. You don't need your girlfriend to blow your paycheque.
An ugly man walks into a bar - the barkeep can't help but stare
at him all night. The barkeep knowing that he is being rude, buys the man a
drink. He appologises for being rude but says he is the ugliest man the
barkeep has ever seen !!! The ugly man says "So you think I'm ugly. Well see
that beautiful girl in the corner with the handsome man? Well for fifty
dollars, I bet I can get her to step outside with me"
The barkeep looks at the girl and agrees. The ugly man says "For
fifty dollars more I'll pat her on the fanny and she'll wink at you."
The barkeep looks around and agrees. The ugly man goes over to the
girl and soon he is back with the girl. He pats her on the fanny and she
winks at the barkeep. The barkeep pays up and the two exit.
The barkeep curious about what happened, goes over to the girl's
ex-escort. "What on earth happened, what did he say?" he said to the man sobb
the table. The man cries "Nothing, he just stood there licking his eyebrows!!
" mommy , I hate my sister's guts"
" shut up and eat them anyway"
Q: What is the definition of a perfect man?
A: A guy with a 14 inch tongue who can breathe through his ears!
One morning a proud father walked up and handed his 13 year old son
a $20.00 bill, and said to him, "Son, todays is your birthday, take this
$20.00 down to Ol' Sallys place and tell her to show you what it is like to be
a man."
A couple hours later the boy came home still carrying the $20.00 bill.
When his dad asked him why he had not gone to Sallys like he told him,
the boy replied,"I didn't have to, as I was walking over to Sallys, I passed
by Grandmothers house, she saw me with this $20.00 bill and asked me where I
was going with it. I told her to Sallys to find out what it was like to be a
man. She said, I didn't have to spend the money, she said come inside and
I'll show you."
The father was aghast, and said, "You SCREWED my MOTHER!" The boy said, "Why
not, you screw mine."
Yes, yes, Mrs. Lincoln; but WHAT did you think of the play ......?
or, for a change in pace....
Yes, yes, Mrs Kennedy; but did you enjoy your trip to Dallas......?
What is a Polish word processor?
Two Hungarians with crayons and a Czech who knows how to spell.
Why is Eve considered the first computer operator?
She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
Why is sex like a bank?
Because small deposits sometimes result in a big return.
What did Abraham Lincoln say after he went on a 5-day drunk?
"I freed WHO?!?!?!" :-)
A pretty young woman was working in a watch/clock repair shop when this
drunk walked by the window. The drunk stopped and came in. He looks at the
lady and just stares.
"Sir, can I help you?"
<The man unzips his pants and flops his dick on the table and says:>
"I want you to put two hands and a face on this !!!
One day a girl walked into a waterfront tattoo parlor. She told
the tattoo artist that she wanted to have her two favorite movie stars
pictures tattooed on the inside of her thighs. She said,"I want John Wayne on
the right side, and Clint Eastwood on the left side." The artist
commented,"It will be a tough job, but you've come to the right place."
After he had finished he handed her a mirror so she might get a good
view of the artwork. She said,"I don't know who those faces are, but they
certainly aren't John Wayne and Clint Eastwood!" The artist assured her that
he had created perfect likenesses of both the stars, but she was unsatisfied.
Finally the artist suggested that they get an impartial judge and see what
they said. The girl agreed that it would be the only way they could settle
the dispute.
Walking to the front of his shop, the artist spotted a drunken sailor
leaning on a lamp post outside his door. He called the sailor in and asked
him to help him out. The sailor came in and asked what he needed.
The tattoo artist explained he wanted him to identify the artwork between the
girls legs.
The drunk got down on his knees and stared with a confused look on
his face. Finally he said, "I don't know who the one on the right is, or who
the one on the left is, BUT! the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson."
Q: What goes 'HA-HA, Plop, Plop'?
||
||
||
||
\/
A: A man laughing his balls off!
An OLD married couple went to sleep. In the middle of the night the old man
was awakened by his wife's tossing and turning. He turned on the light and
noted that she had a huge smile on her face as she writhed around the bed.
Worried, he woke her up. "Honey, what's wrong with you?" he queried.
"Nothing, Dear, I'm fine. In fact I just had my first orgasm in years. I had
the most wonderful dream!" she replied.
"What did you dream about?" he asked. "I dreamed that I went into a store and
they were selling penises!" she said. "They were selling huge penises for
$1000.00, medium penises for $500.00 and smaller penises for $100.00. And the
best part of the dream was that you got to try them out before you bought
them!" she continued.
"Gee, Honey, did you see any like mine?" the old man smiled at her.
"Yep, they were selling your size at 6 for $1.00."
Frustrated the old man turned off the light and went back to sleep. A short
while later his wife woke up to see him tossing and turning and causing quite
a commotion in his sleep. "Dear, Dear, DEAR! Wake up!" she yelled. "What's
wrong with you?"
"Nothing," he replied. "I had a dream just like yours but instead of penises
the store was selling vaginas! They had tight little pussies going for
$1000.00 and pussies a little bit bigger for $500.00 and big pussies going for
$100.00. And just like in your dream I got to try 'em out before buying 'em!"
"Gosh, Dear, did you see any like mine?" the old lady smiled and asked.
He snickered and said, "Yeh, as a matter of fact, I saw two just like yours!
They were using one to ice down the beer and the other one to throw the empty
cans into!"
What's the three most feared words a man can hear when he is enjoying
the esctasy of a woman's loving mouth ?
|
v
I feel hungry.
George bush pulls a sleeping beauty stunt and falls asleep for five years
when he wakes up he finds Dan Quayle in office and everything is running
smoothly. I mean, Better than ever... Inflation is around 1%, unemplaoyment
around 2%, and so forth.. Danny takes Mr. Bush for a steak dinner later that
night and has a steak fit for a king. Impressed with the job Mr. Bush sez "I'm
proud of you, by the way how much would a dinner like this cost now?"
Dan Quayle sez "About 300 Yen"
A polish family is sitting around watching T.V. The father leans over
the mother and says "Lets send the kids to the S-H-O-W so we can fuck."
Hell Hath no fury like a woman going through a divorce...
especially if the lawyer is working on a contingency.
Questions to never ask your mate in bed... Where'd you learn
to do that?
A study was made to see why the penis is wider at the tip than the shaft
The french said it is wider to please the woman
The Italians said it is wider to please the man
The polack said it is so that your hand won't fall off....
ONE SUNDAY AFTERNOON AN OLD FARMER AND HIS DAUGHTER WERE RIDING HOME
FROM CHURCH IN THE HORSE AND BUGGY. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE A
HIGHWAYMAN JUMPED OUT FROM BEHIND A BUSH AND POINTED A BLUNDERBUSS AT
THE OLD FARMER AND SAID, "HALT. YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE. GET OFF THE
BUGGY." WHEN THE FARMER AND HIS DAUGHTER GOT OFF THE BUGGY THE
HIGHWAYMAN TOOK THE FARMER'S GOLD WATCH AND CHAIN, WALLET, GOLD
TOOTHPICK, LODGE RING AND LOOSE CHANGE. HE WENT OVER TO THE DAUGHTER,
COPPED A FEEL, GRABBED HER PURSE AND JUMPED ON THE BUGGY AND SPED AWAY.
THE OLD MAN SAID "GEE WHIZ. HE CLEANED ME OUT. WHAT DID HE GET FROM
YOU?" THE DAUGHTER SAID THAT THE ROBBER ONLY GOT HER PURSE. IT ONLY
HAD TEN CENTS IN IT. SHE HAD LEFT THE OTHER TEN CENTS IN THE COLLECTION
PLATE IN CHURCH. THE OLD MAN THEN ASKED, "WHAT ABOUT YOUR DIAMOND
RING?" THE DAUGHTER SAID, "NO. HE DIDN'T GET THE RING . I HID IT."
THE OLD MAN SAID, "BUT HE SEARCHED YOU. WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE RING?"
THE DAUGHTER GOT RED IN THE FACE AND BASHFULLY ANSWERED, "I HID IT IN MY
SNATCH, DADDY." THE OLD MAN THOUGHT SILENTLY FOR A WHILE AND THEN
EXCLAIMED," SONOFABITCH. IF MAW WAS HERE I COULD'A HID THE HORSE AND
BUGGY."
Joe Kowalski emigrates from Poland to America, filled with
excitement at the promise his new land holds. He gets into a taxi at
the airport and instructs the driver to take him to the Yimca Hotel.
Perplexed, the cabbie goes over to another driver, who explains that his
passenger means the YMCA. "He must be Polish--that's where they always
want to go."
Joe is astonished when the cabbie asks him if he's Polish. How did
he know? he wonders. He makes a vow to learns perfect English and
become expert in the ways of his new country so that never again will
he be taken for a foreigner, let alone a Pole. So he studies and studies,
and finally decides it's time to give his English a field test.
Repeating the phrase over and over to get it letterperfect, he goes out
to the corner store. Standing at the counter, he says in perfect
English, "May I please have a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, and a quarter
pound of swiss cheese?"
"You Polish or something?" asks the proprietor.
"Why, yes, but....how did you know?" stammers Joe. "Did I not say it
right?"
"You said it fine," says the fellow behind the counter, "but this is
a hardware store."
What's the difference between anxiety and panic?
Anxiety is the first time you can't do it a
second time, and panic is the second time you
can't do it the first time!!!
Three old guys are sitting around in the park, discussing whose
memory goes back the farthest. Says Larry, "I remember being taken
to the church, all dressed up in this scratchy white stuff, and
having people standing around and someone splashing water on me."
"Awww, that's nothing," says Irv. "I can remember this nice,
dark room, and then being squeezed something terrible, and coming
out into this big bright room and being spanked---it was awful."
"I got you two beat by a mile," says Fred. "I remember going
to a picnic with my father and coming back with my mother!!!!"
Why do women like hunters?
Three reasons:
1) They go deep into the bush.
2) They always shoot twice.
3) And they always eat what they shoot.
There was a young boy who lived in the Australian outback with his
his father, his mother died giving birth. Well, one day the father
decided it was time for the boy to learn about women. As there were no
women living close the father gave the boy some money and sent him to
town with instructions to the red-light district. Once there, the boy
was told to find a woman standing on the street, give her the money, and
tell her he wanted to learn about women. So the boy did as told. He
found a hooker and explained his situation. The hooker took pity on the
boy and invited him up to her apartment to learn about women. She sat
the boy down in the living-room and told him to wait while she changed
into something more comfortable.
When she came back in the room, the boy had all the furniture shoved
back to the walls and the rug was rolled up. "What are you doing to my
apartment?" the hooker asked. "Well," the boy replied, "if women are
anything like kangaroos, we'll need all the room we can get."
A GREENHORN WHO STILL SMELLED FROM THE BOAT CAME TO EN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY
AND ASKED FOR A JOB. HE TOLD THE INTERVIEWER THAT HE HAD NO DRIVER'S
LICENSE AND COULD NOT DRIVE, THAT HE COULD NOT READ AND WRITE IN ANY
LANGUAGE AND SIGNED HIS NAME WITH AN X, THAT HE NEVER LEARNED TO WORK
ANY MACHINE IN ANY FACTORY AND HE DID NOT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A BROOM.
THE INTERVIEWER ASKED HIM HOW HE MADE HIS LIVING IN THE OLD COUNTRY AND
THE GREENHORN ANSWERED, "I WAS A HYPNOTIST." THE INTERVIEWER ASKED FOR
A DEMONSTRATION. THE GREENHORN PULLED ON A CHAIN HANGING OUT OF HIS
VEST POCKET AND HAULED OUT A BIG SHINY GOLD WATCH. HE SLOWLY SWUNG THE
WATCH TO AND FRO AND SA"VATCH DE VATCH. VATCH DE VATCH." THE
INTERVIEWER IMMEDIATELY WENT INTO A TRANCE AND FELL ASLEEP. FIFTEEN
MINUTES LATER THE GREENHORN SAID, "VAKE UP. VAKE UP." THE GUY WOKE UP,
LOOKED AT THE CLOCK ON THE WALL AND SAW THAT HE HAD BEEN HYPNOTIZED FOR
FIFTEEN MINUTES AND SAID, "THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD. I CAN BOOK YOU INTO
THE NEXT MONTHLY MEETING OF THE MASONS. THERE WILL ONLY BE ABOUT 30 MEN
BUT IT WILL PAY TEN DOLLARS." HE WENT TO THE MEETING, HYPNOTIZED THEM,
WOKE THEM UP AND COLLECTED HIS TEN BUCKS. WORD GOT BACK TO THE AGENCY
THAT THE OLD GREENHORN WAS PRETTY GOOD SO THEY BOOKED HIM FOR A MEETING
OF 300 KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS. SAME PROCEDURE AND SAME RESULT. HE REALLY
WAS GOOD. NEXT HE WENT TO A REGIONAL MEETING OF THE ROTARIANS AND HE
PUT 7000 MEN TO SLEEP BY SWINGING THE WATCH. THE INTERVIEWER NOW HAD
MANY REQUESTS FOR THE GREENHORN'S SERVICES. HE WAS NOW IN THE BIG
TIME. FINALLY THE OLD GREENHORN WAS BOOKED INTO THE PALLADIUM IN LONDON
BEFORE A CROWD OF 30,000 PEOPLE AND SHARED BILLING WITH BOB HOPE. HE WAS
FITTED OUT FOR A TUXEDO AND FLOWN OVER TO LONDON. HE CAME ON STAGE,
BOWED TO THE OCCUPANTS OF THE ROYAL BOX AND RAISED HIS HANDS TO WAIVE
THE AUDIENCE TO SILENCE. HE TUGGED ON HIS WATCH CHAIN AND STARTED TO
WAIVE THE WATCH TO AND FRO AND MONOTONOUSLY INTONED, VATCH DE VATCH.
VATCH DE VATCH." IMMEDIATELY ALL 30000 PEOPLE WENT TO SLEEP.
AS HE WAS WAITING THE FIFTEEN MINUTES TO WAKE THEM UP HE
WENT TO REPLACE THE WATCH IN HIS VEST POCKET FOR A FEW MINUTES BUT HIS
HAND SLIPPED AND HE DROPPED THE WATCH. IT FELL ON THE STAGE AND BROKE
INTO A THOUSAND PIECES. HE LOOKED DUMFOUNDED AND SAID "SHIT!"
IT TOOK THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT SIX WEEKS TO CLEAN
OFF THE SEATS IN THE JOINT BUT THE SMELL LINGERS ON AND IS NOW AN OLD
BRITISH TRADITION.
I NEVER MET A MAN WHO WENT TO A PUSSY EATER'S FUNERAL.
GINSBURG WAS A VERY SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN. HE HAD A MEATPACKING
BUSINESS THAT WAS IN A PLANT THREE BLOCKS SQUARE AND SEVEN STORIES HIGH.
HE HAD BECOME A RICH MILLIONAIRE AND LIVED THE LIFE OF RILEY. THE ONLY
FLY IN HIS SOUP WAS HIS DUMB SON. THE KID TRIED HARD BUT HE COULDN'T
GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL UNTIL HE WAS 26 YEARS OLD. THE OLD MAN WAS
DETERMINED THAT THE KID SHOULD GO TO COLLEGE. BY BRIBING PROFESSORS,
CHEATING ON EXAMS, BIG DONATIONS TO THE COLLEGE AND LOTS OF TUTORS THE
KID FINALLY GOT HIS COLLEGE DIPLOMA WHEN HE WAS 38 YEARS OLD. WHEN HE
FINALLY GRADUATED HE CALLED THE OLD MAN AND SAID "PA, I JUST GRADUATED
COLLEGE." THE OLD MAN SAID "COME RIGHT HOME. I GOT A GREAT BIG
WONDERFUL SURPRISE FOR YOU." THE KID ANSWERED, "ITS NO BIG DEAL. IT'S
PROBABLY NUTTIN." WHEN THE KID COMES HOME THE OLD MAN DRIVES HIM TO
THE PLANT AND SAYS "LOOK UP ON THE ROOF." ON THE ROOF IS A NEON SIGN
THAT SAYS "GINSBURG & SON MEAT PACKERS." THE KID SAYS "BIG DEAL. DAT
AIN'T NUTTIN." THE OLD MAN TAKES HIM INTO THE MAIN OFFICE AND SHOWS HIM
A LINE OF TRUCK DRIVERS BRINGING THE RECEIPTS IN BUSHEL BASKETS FULL OF
CASH. THE CLERKS ARE SO OVERLOADED THEY CANNOT COUNT THE MONEY. THEY
JUST SCOOP IT UP IN SNOW SHOVELS AND WEIGH THE MONEY ON BIG SCALES. THE
OLD MAN SAYS "YOU LIKE THIS." THE KID ANSWERS "NO BIG DEAL. DIS IS
NUTTIN." THE OLD MAN IS RATTLED BUT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING. HE TAKES
HIM INTO THE PROCESSING ROOM AND SHOWS HIM A MACHINE TWO BLOCKS LONG.
IN ONE END OF THE MACHINE THE WORKERS ARE FEEDING LIVE CATTLE INTO IT.
AT THE OTHER END OF THE MACHINE THE PRODUCT COMES OUT. ROASTS, CHOPS,
STEAKS, HAMBURGERS, SOUP BONES, LEATHER JACKETS, SHOES AND OTHER HIDE
PRODUCTS. EVERYTHING IS VERY SANITARY AND SARAN WRAPPED. THE OLD MAN
SAYS, "I COMPLETELY ENGINEERED AND BUILT THIS MACHINE AND IT COST
THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS AND IT IS THE MARVEL OF THE MEAT PACKING
INDUSTRY. YOU LIKE IT." THE KID ANSWERS "NO BIG DEAL. IT
AINT NUTTIN." THE OLD MAN IS STARTING TO BURN. THE OLD MAN TAKES
THE DUMMY TO THE OTHER END OF THE PLANT AND SHOWS HIM ANOTHER MACHINE.
THE WORKERS ARE DRIVING LIVE PIGS INTO ONE END OF THE MACHINE AND A CITY
BLOCK AWAY AT THE OTHER END THE MACHINE IS SPEWING OUT NEATLY PACKAGED
WIENERS IN ALL SIZES, SHAPES AND FLAVORS. THE OLD MAN SAYS, " I BUILT
THIS MACHINE AS THE PROTOTYPE. IT COSTS FORTY MILLION DOLLARS. IT IS
THE ONLY ONE LIKE IT. ON ONE SIDE GOES IN LIVE PIGS. ON THE OTHER SID
COMES OUT ANY KIND OF WIENER YOU WANT. YOU LIKE THIS?" THE KID
ANSWERS, " DIS IS NO BIG DEAL. IT AIN'T NUTTIN. HOW COME YOU DIDN'T
REVERSE IT SO YOU CAN PUT IN A WIENER AND PRODUCE A LIVE PIG?" THE OLD
MAN ANSWERS, "SON, ONLY YOUR MOTHER HAS SUCH A MACHINE."
PAT WAS ON HIS WAY TO CHURCH ONE SUNDAY AND A BLOCK AWAY FROM THE CHURCH
HE NOTICED THAT THE FRONT DOOR OF TONY'S FRUIT MARKET WAS AJAR. HEE
LOOKED IN AND FOUND NOBODY WAS THERE . TONY HAD FORGOTTEN TO LOCK THE
DOOR THE NIGHT BEFORE. THE URGE TO GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING OVERCAME
PAT AND HE GRABBED A WHOLE STALK OF BANANAS AND CONTINUED ON HIS WAY TO
CHURCH WITH THE BANANAS ON HIS SHOULDER. WHEN HE GOT TO THE FRONT OF
THE CHURCH HE FINALLY REALIZED THE IMPROPRIETY OF GOING INTO THE CHURCH
WITH THE STOLEN BANANAS AND HE WENT OUT TO THE REAR OF THE CHURCH AND
STASHED THE BANANAS UNDER THE ALLEY STAIRS AND WENT INTO THE CHURCH.
OVERCOME WITH REMORSE HE IMMEDIATELY WENT TO THE CONFESSIONAL. HE
BLURTED OUT, "FATHER , I SINNED ON THIS VERY DAY. I STOLE A STALK OF
BANANAS FROM TONY'S FRUIT MARKET ON THE WAY TO CHURCH." THE PRIEST
ASKED HIM, "WHERE ARE THE BANANAS?" WHEN PAT TOLD HIM THAT THE BANANAS
WERE ON THE CHURCH PROPERTY THE PRIEST BECAME IRATE AND SAID THAT HE
WOULD FIRST HAVE TO RETRIEVE THE BANANAS AND RETURN THEM TO THEIR
RIGHTFUL OWNER. PAT WENT OUT TO THE REAR OF THE CHURCH TO GET THE
BANANAS. UNBEKNOWNST TO PAT, AN OLD BUM IN THE ALLEY HAD SEEN PAT STASH
THE BANANAS AND AFTER PAT WENT INTO THE CHURCH THE BUM HAD RESTOLEN
THEM. NOW THAT PAT COULD NOT FIND THE BANANAS HE FIGURED THERE WAS NO
POINT TO CONTINUING THE CONFESSION AND HE FIGURED, "PISS ON THE WHOLE
GODDAM BUSINESS." AND HE WENT HOME. SIX MONTHS LATER HE
WAS IN THE SAME CHURCH, SAME PRIEST, AND HE STARTED OUT BY SAYING,
"FATHER, I SINNED. I HAD RELATIONS WITH A MARRIED WOMAN. NOT ONLY
THAT, WE DID IT DOG FASHION." THE PRIEST SAID, "WAS THE WOMAN FROM
THIS PARISH?" PAT ANSWERED, "OH NO YOU DON'T. THAT'S HOW I LOST THE
BANANAS.
DID YOU EVER WONDER WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PIECE LEFT OVER AFTER A
CIRCUMCISION? IT WAS CONFIDED TO ME THAT THE PIECES ARE THROWN IN A
BARREL AND SALTED DOWN LAYER AFTER LAYER. WHEN THE BARREL IS FULL IT IS
SEALED AND FLOWN TO IRELAND . THE IRISH GOVERNMENT, THROUGH ITS
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE, DISTRIBUTES THESE PIECES TO SELECTED FARMERS
WHO PLANT THEM. WHEN THEY GROW TO FULL SIZE THE ARE SHIPPED BACK HERE
AS POLICEMEN.
AND THEN THERE WAS THE FAMILY THAT COULD'T FIGURE OUT WHY THERE LITTLE
KID WAS SO GODDAM STUPID AND HE LOOKED SO WEIRD UNTIL SOMEONE WISED THEM
UP TO THE FACT THAT WHEN THE KID WAS CIRCUMCISED THEY GOT BACK THE WRONG
END.
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. St Peter welcomes him, and
tells him the first thing people do in heaven is ask the IQ of the
other, so they know what to talk about.
So Al asks the first person what their IQ is. That person replies
"197". Albert is overjoyed and tells her that he is looking forward to
talking about corallaries to his theory of relativity.
Al asks the second person he meets. They say "125." Al replies by
saying he is looking forward to talking about international politics and
culture with him.
The third guy says that he has an IQ of 78. Al looks at him and says,
"Well, what is your forecast for the economy this year?"
I dated a real prissy gal the other night. Soon as I
kissed her on the cheeks she pulled up her pants and
ran into the house!!
Harold had a date with a hot chick. She told him to
bring protection --- so he brought his two brothers
along....
Benny had an embarrassing experience as a peeping Tom.
Says he was jailed at the peek of his career........
The father was worried about his son's behavior and took him
to a psychiatrist who proceeded to ask the boy questions. "How
many wheels does a car have?" he asked. "Four," replied the boy.
"And what does a cow have four of that a woman has only two of?"
"Legs," replied the lad. "And what does your father have that
your mother is just wild about?" "money," replied the boy. At this
point, the doctor said to the father, "You've nothing to worry
about. This boy is fine and quite smart." "He sure is, Doc,"
agreed the father. "I missed the last two questions myself!"
Two women were attending the funeral of a friend who
had been married eight times. One sighed and said:
"They're together at last."
"Which husband are you talking about?" the other asked.
"none of her husbands. I mean her legs."
One night Brenda and Phil were sitting on her couch.
After a long while, Brenda decided to give him a little
encouragement, so she turned out the light. Phil took
the hint ---- he went home.
As soon as they'd parked in the dark lane he opened
his fly and leered, "how about taking a try at it?"
"Sorry," the cutie replied, "I'm not one for trivial
pursuit."
"Looks like you've got a stiff one," said mary
"So please take it out and we'll play;"
When he opened his fly,
She just started to cry,
Oh, 'twas stiff, but too small for a lay.
Joe: "Did you have any luck on your fishing trip
with melissa?"
Moe: "No luck at all. Not even a nipple."
this five year old kid was watching his mother while she was in the
shower and it was while she was having her period. the kid said,"gee
whiz ma, why is it so bloody between your legs?" the mother was
exceedingly embarrased and thaought for a moment and then said,"when i
was alittle girl an indian hit me there with his hatchet." the five
year old kid thought for a moment and said. "jeez ma. he hit you right
in the cunt, didn't he."
two landscapers came to the job and as they parked the truck they noticed
a monstrous dog lying on the grass licking his balls with a tremendously
large and long tongue. the first one said "jeez manuel, i wish i could
do that." the other guy answered, "jose, you better pet him first."
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the grinder and got a
little behind in his work?
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for impersonating an
officer?
They found him asleep in a Dunkin Donuts at 2 a.m....
What do you call a bricklayer from who mixes his mortor with a
pitchfork?
A Mortor Forker!
What does the World Series and a bear wearing a condom have in common?
NO CUBS!!!!!
There was this guy,who needed a rooster for his chickens.He borrowd one
and the owner said,watch out,he's a fresh little fucker.
Well, Luck fucked the chickens.
Next night,the farmer heard what sounded like pigs squealing.
(the farmer doesn't know that luck can speak)
Next night he heard the cows moo.
next day farmer said theat if Luck continued,he would fuck himslef to
death.
Next night he heard the dog.
Next day he repeated the message.
On last day he found luck,laying in a grass field.He was laying out with
arms outstretched.He said,"I told you that youm would fuck yourself to
death)
Luck looked up and said,"Shhhhhh.Buzzards!"
So I'm in this bar a couple of nights ago, and I notice that
there's this great looking redhead sitting by herself. Well, I've got
time to kill, so I sit by her and strike up a conversation. Things
start moving along really nicely, I mean I'm really making time here, in
fact I'm thinking to myself "You old fox, you may have cleared waivers
in the singles league, but you've still got it when you need it."
Then the young lady reveals that she is a working girl, a
rather expensive one in fact, (which explains why I'm doing so well!).
She leans over and says in my ear "For two hundred dollars I'll do
anything you want."
"Anything?" I stammer. I mean, I've got the cash, no one's expecting
me home and this woman is gorgeous.
"Anything you can think of," she replies.
So I give her the money and ask "Would you paint my house?"
The balls were starting to complain. "Why should we hang, when it was
Peter who did all the shooting!"
<Ha Ha Ha Ha>
Did you hear about the prostitute who ran all the way home because she
thought she was being chaste?
Here is an argument for gun control:
What would have happened if Zsa Zsa had a semi automatic weapon when
she got stopped?
It is a good thing that the law keeps dangerous weapons out of the
hands of crazed, over the hill, Hungarian actresses.
It is said "If horses were wishes , beggars would ride." but did they
consider that "If wishes were horses, jockeys would beg."
think about it!!!!!
Hugh Hefner is going to publish a Playboy for married men.. It will have
the same centerfold every month.
A American went to Ireland on vacation a needed to rent a car
Unfortunetly they only had stick shifts. So the man manage to make it to
a read light before the car shut off on him. he tried to get the car
going when the light turned green ... but was unable it shut off.
the light changed again he tried to go but the car shut off.
just about this time an irish truck driver pull up behide him really
upset about his day...... and the light change the man tried to shift
let the clutch out .... and the car shut off, the irishman beeping his
horn. the light change again the man nervous tried really hard to go
.... but the car shut off. the irishman face was red real read.
the light changed the car stalled... the irishman comes to his car
the man lets down the window.... the irishman says hey laddy is there
any particular shade of green you might be waiting for....
AN OLD MAN was sitting on the front porch of a hotel in the catskills
digesting his fifth meal of the day when a farmer drove down the road in
front of the hotel with a great big load of horse manure. the old fart
on the porch yelled out to to the farmer, "hey buddy. where you going
with such a big load of horse shit?"
the farmer answered, "i'm going to put it on my strawberries."
the old fart yelled back, "come on in here and i will treat you to a
good meal. we put sour cream on ours."
Q. what is 14 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
A. Dan Quayle's necktie
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