About
Community
Bad Ideas
Drugs
Ego
Artistic Endeavors
But Can You Dance to It?
Cult of the Dead Cow
Literary Genius
Making Money
No Laughing Matter
On-Line 'Zines
Science Fiction
Self-Improvement
Erotica
Fringe
Society
Technology
register | bbs | search | rss | faq | about
meet up | add to del.icio.us | digg it

A story about BBSers, it's funny. I think.

MADDOG and the White Mountain Wire BBS Proudly Present an ST Drama.
Bit Haven II
A Compu-Christmas Carol
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Setting: One Year and Three Months Later
Scene 1: Sysop's House

" 'Twas the night before Christmas...Would you shut the fuck up!" Screamed
McNard. "And all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even
a...Shut the fuck up!!!" Screamed McNard again. "Mouse... I SAID shut the
fuck up!" Bellowed you know who. Databit finally gave up and sat in
the corner by himself. "Did you know that the Japanese don't celebrate
Christmas?" Asked Sysop. Cyberpunk opened his mouth and was about to reply
but was interrupted. "Japanese!? Those fuckin' sandle wearin' chip makin'
land stealin' ship sinkin' shitty car buildin' DisneyLand Lovin' fuckin'
bastards!? I had a fuckin' Honda once, tried to check the fuckin' tranny
juice, nearly lost my fuckin' hand! Jesus Christ! Those assholes. Yeah, we
showed them, he he, sink the Arizona huh? Well, we fried the fuckers twice!
Then we went over and fucked Germany, too bad we didn't get to kill that
short fucker with the funny fuckin' mustache." Said McNard, then sucked the
last drop of wiskey out of his milk carton. "AAAH, does a fuckin' body
good."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: State Prison Cellblock D Juvenile Section

"Hey Sam, I'm gonna fuck ya up the ass today." Said 22941. "Yeah, Sam, and
I will shove my fucking cock in your mouth." Said 34792. Sam, if you
remember, is the little bastard convicted of trashing Sysop's board and the
attempted rape of a chicken. Sam grabs the bars with his mutilated hands.
"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!! Guard!!!!!!!! HELLLP!!!!!"
The guard runs to Sam's cell. "Oh, thank g... <Poof> Yiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee,
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed
Sam. Sam staggers back, the taser darts pull out of his flesh. The guard
walks away laughing, taser gun in hand. Sam passes out and falls down on
his bunk.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3: Craptain McNard's House

"God Damn, fuckin' piece of shit. Open you bastard! Fuck! Jesus Christ!!!!
What the fuck is wrong, god dammit! Open you bitch! Fuckin' thing." Screamed
McNard. McNard pulled his bottle of gin out of his pocket, put it to his
trembling lips and drained the fuckin' thing. "Fackin'... FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!"
McNard examines the half of the key in his hand, the other half stuck in his
door lock. "Fuckin' Dodges! Fuckin' piece of shit! Fuckin' faggot whore!!!"
He smashes his empty bottle of hooch on the fender. "Hey! can you give me a
fuckin' hand?" Screamed McNard to a passing truck. The guy turns around and
stops at McNard's gate. "My fuckin' key broke in my fuckin' lock and I'm
late for a fuckin' job interview." Said McNard. "Ok, but what can I do?"
Asked the motorist. "Well, you got a fuckin' tow rope?" Asked McNard. The
guy in the truck said he does have one. "Good, I'll hook the fucker to my
goddamm doorhandle and you just rip the fuckin' door right off the car."
Said McNard.
-time passes-
"Ok, GO!" Screamed McNard. <ROARRR CREEEEEEAK POP SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE->
"Hey!!!!!!!!! Come back here with my fuckin' door, you cock suckin'
bastard!" Screamed McNard. "Oh fuck it." He gets in his slightly drafty
Dodge Dart and heads for his interview.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 4: DB's IGA grocery store-37 miles out of the city.

"I'll be with ya in a minute." Said Databit. The seven customers in line are
more than a little pissed. Databit clicks off the football game, sets down
his beer, and gets up from his Barcalounger. He proceeds to ring up the
orders. "Excuse me, but you made a mistake on those tampons." Said a
female customer. "No I didn't." Said Databit. "Yes you did! They're $4.81,
not $49.66!!!!" Said the pissed off woman. "MA'AM perhaps you should speak
to the manager." Said Databit. "Yes, I would like that." Said the woman."
I'll call him." Said Databit. He picks up the intercom phone and blasts over
the speakers, "Would the manager come to checkstand one please." He hangs up
the phone. "Yes ma'am, I'm the manager how can I help you?" Said the manager.
"What the fuck!? You are not the manager, you're the checker!" said the
woman. "Wrong you are, bitch, I'm the checker, bagger, manager, assistant
manager, produce manager, bakery manager, deli manager, meat manager,
stocker, floorcrew, maintainence man, file clerk, customer representative,
and the fucking security officer." Said Databit. "And have a nice fucking
day!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 5: Sysop's House

Officer Thompson (T) pulls up to Sysop's driveway in his souped-up '97 Camaro
Z28. "Hey T!" Yells Sysop from his front yard. T gets out of his muscle car.
A lowered pink Caddilac with gold wheels and trim pulls up behind T's car. A
skinny pimp gets out and walks over to T. "Hey, spine, nice cane." Said T.
The pimp hands T a paper bag. T puts the bag inside his coat. Spine drives
off, and T heads for Sysop. "Uh, T, what the hell was that?" Asked Sysop.
T slowly reaches around to his pistol and fingers the grip. "Never mind, I
don't want to know." Said Sysop. "Lets go inside and talk." Said T. Sound
fades out as they carry on a muffled conversation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 6: McNard in his car on the way to the interview.

<SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE> "You fuckin' bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Jesus Christ!"
Yelled McNard. "What the FUCK are you lookin' at?! So what if I aint got no
fuckin' door." Said McNard. The passing motorist said something McNard
couldn't hear. "What?, fuck you, you fuckin' cock-eyed bastard! I'll take
your fuckin' wife and... Oh, FUCK!!!!!!! <SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNCCCCHHH>
Oh shit." Said McNard. McNard's car had considerably more damage than the
light pole. "AAAAH, fuck. Look at this!" Said McNard to himself. The hood
was buckled, grill smashed, headlight on the ground, booze everywhere.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 7: State Prison recreation field.

Sam and the other juvenile inmates are out in the rec. area playing kickball.
"Cluck, cluck, cluck." Said 24814 to Sam. Sam kicks the rubber ball and it
smacks into the face of 11973, a seventeen-year old who has been in prison
since he was six for assulting an entire town. Jacobs, 11973, runs over to
sam, picks him up, and fires him toward the twelve foot outside wall. Sam
actually clears the wall, all but one toe which is sliced off by razor wire.
Sam limp-runs for an old hideout of his at the edge of town.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 8: 16 St. and 45th Ave.

"I SAID, I want that FUCKIN' job!." Screamed McNard to the head Santa.
"Look, Mr, McNard, I'd hire you, but you'd be around kids all day, and with
that language problem..." Said the head Santa. "I know where you live." Said
McNard. "Ok, what the hell, you got the job." Said HS. "AAALLLLLRIGHT!!!,
Jesus Christ, I got a fuckin' job! Oh, holy fuckin' shit! Now I'll be able to
get my fuckin' car fixed. Thank's, man, I won't goddam let you down." Said
McNard. McNard taps his shirt collar. "McNard to Enterprize, I got a fuckin'
job, beam me up so we can celebrate! I'm gonna get Data all fucked up, and
Doctor Crusher, meet me in my quarters and bring along the keg and glow-in-
the-dark condoms!" Said McNard to his shirt. The head Santa walked away,
cautiously.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 9: A moldy wooden shack half-burried in dirt.

"HE HE HE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will pay, Sysop, oh yes, you will pay. HE HE
HE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Said Sam insanely to himself.
Sam, before he was convicted and sent to prison downloaded some anarchy files
dealing with explosives. "I'm going to blow your fucking house up, you
bastard!!! It was because of you that my left arm got torched, and that bitch
nurse beat me up, and my right hand got crushed, mangled, broken, and
smashed, and I got electrocuted, and got my sex organs ripped off and then
sewn on backwards, and got run over by a truck, and you fuckers framed me for Zombie's attempted rap of
raping a chicken, and got me two years in the joint." He punches the wall
in anger and a two-by-four falls from the ceiling and smacks him in the head.
He falls to the floor and lays there, twitching.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 10: McNard's House.

" 'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la l- FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!" Sang
McNard. He pulls the staple from his thumb. He takes a swig of his "Patented
Christmas Potion" (wiskey, tequilla, rum, gin, vodka, and brandy) and nearly
falls off his roof. "AAAAAAAAAAH, shit that's good, maybe I'll bottle it and
give it out at Halloween next year." He continues putting up his string of
lights. He backs up to admire the very crooked work. "Damn that's nice." He
backs up further, but trips on another string. "Oh, SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSST!!
WWWWOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" <CRUUUUUU
NNNNNNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!> "OOOOOOOOOOH, OWWWWWW, F- FUCKIN' Oh, AAAAGHHH,
where, w- where am I? Ouch! OWWWWWWW, shit." Moaned McNard. He rolls over
and falls off his car. There is now a huge dent in what used to look like
his car's roof.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 11: Sysop's House.

<WHAM, WHAM, WHAM> "What the fuck is takin' you so fuckin' long? <BANG, BANG>
would you hurry the fuck up, Sysop, Jesus Christ, it's fuckin' eight degrees
out here. Hurry the fuck up, you fuckin' bastard!!!!!!!!!" Screamed McNard.
Sysop finally opens the door. "Would you please curb the profanity, Craptain?
my neighbors are Mormons." Said Sysop. "Fuck the fuckin' fuckers! Look at my
fuckin' car, it's all fuckin' fucked up. And I smashed my last fuckin' bottle
of hooch when I fell off my fuckin' roof last night." Cussed McNard.
"What were you doing on your roof?"
"I was hangin' my fuckin' Christmas lights and I fell and slid down the
fucker and landed on my fuckin' car."
"Where's your door?"
"My door!? I broke my fuckin' key in the fuckin' lock, so I got some bastard
to pull the fucker off my car, but then the fuckin' asshole stole the fuckin'
thing."
"What about your front end?"
"HA HA HA!!!!! You're gonna like this. I was on my fuckin' way to my fuckin'
interview when some fucker yelled something at me so I cussed at him and
swerved into a fuckin' light pole for Christ's sake."
"Did you get the job?"
"Yeah, but I had to threaten the fuckin' bastard, he said I have a fuckin'
language problem, that fuckin' prick. So, anyway, uh, do you have a fuckin'
bottle of hooch I borrow?"
"Sure, here, I was gonna get drunk, but I changed my mind."
Sysop hands him a bottle of JD.
"Thanks, man, hey, I ordered a nice minibar to put on my dash."
"Uh, do you think that's a good idea?"
"Yes."
McNard thanks him again and heads for his dent, er, car. He gets in, starts
it up and peels out of Sysop's driveway. He heads up the street. He gets
about forteen feet when his front bumper falls off and gets run over by both
sets of McNard's tires. <SSSSSSSCCCCRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE> McNard parks and gets
out. "Fuckin' piece of shit bumper! Look at that Sysop! Fuckin' crushed piece
of shit!!! Fuckin' aluminum bumpers!" Yelled McNard. He picks up the bumper
and sticks it in his trunk. "Fuckin' Dodges." Said McNard to himself. He gets
back in and starts it up. Sysop sits down on his front step and busts out
laughing, who cares if it's eight degrees out when you have this kind of
comedy. McNard floors it and peels out onto the road. Sysop jumps up.
"McNard!!!!!!!!!!!!!" <SSSSSCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE>
<CCCCCCCCCRRRRRRUUUUUNNNNNNCH> <POP POP TINKLE TINKLE> <EERRRP> Sysop runs
down to what's left of McNard's car. "Craptain! Hey, are you okay?" McNard
looked at him and gulped down a few ounces of wiskey. He slowly climbs
through his window and staggers over to the garbage truck that smashed into
him. "I'd like to have a few fuckin' words with you." Said McNard
The driver gets out, and walks to McNard. "Hey, It wasn't my fault, you cut
me off." Said the driver. "Look, I don't give a fuck about my fuckin' car,
look what happened to my fuckin' trunk, how the fuck am I supposed to get
my fuckin' bumper out of there?" The driver hands him a bottle of old
Kentucky Red-Eye and gets back in his truck. He backed up, but the car was
stuck to his bumper. "Hey, could you give me a hand?" Asked the driver. Sysop
kicked McNard's tire and the car and truck bumper went their separate ways.
Ironically, the garbage truck was a Dodge and it's also ironic that even
though it practically totaled McNard's car, it didn't have a scratch on it.
McNard climbed back into his wreck and started it up. "Uh, Craptain, you
aren't gonna drive that thing are you?" Asked Sysop. McNard takes a swig of
wiskey. "Yes I <BURRRPPP> am." Replied McNard. <VROOOOM PUT PUT PUT EEEK EEEK
POP EEEK PUT EEEK> McNard slowly climbes the hill, draging his ass-end behind
him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 12: Zombie's closet.

"Oh YEAH, OH, OH, OH, AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" Zombie staggers out of his closet with
a damp picture of Kathy Ireland in his hand.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 13: Sam's hideout.

"HE HE HE!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're mine, bastard, HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!! <BEEP BEEP
BEEP> UH-OH." <BOOOOOOOOOM> "YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH, GOD, that hurts." Luckily for Sam, he only got powder burn and some
missing skin.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 14: Sysop's House.

Sysop sits at his master terminal watching a regular user, Dr. Whore, upload
a Cindy Crawford pic. Another one. "Fucking bastards. Can't they think of
anything else to upload." Said Sysop as he gulped down a Bud. "Tastes like
shit, but it works." Mumbled Sysop. Cyberslut, Sysop's wife is at the mall
Christmas shopping. Sysop likes to do serious drinking when his wife is alone
with credit cards. "Let's see, twenty-two thousand, and I'll get two hundred
and ninty more users and fifteen more nodes. I hope to Christ that'll be
enough nodes. Let me see, eight thousand to run the cable, eight thousand for
a new server, two thousand for two new node terminals, and three thousand for
the lines, and a thousand for the fucking modems." Said Sysop. Some people
believe that talking to one's self is a sign of insanity. I think it's a sign
of personality. "Oh, shit!" Yelled Sysop. "You fucking perverted bastard!"
Screamed Sysop toward his monitor. Dr. Whore is writing a very graphic poem
to his girlfriend. Sysop normally doesn't watch people write E-mail, but was
too lethargic to get up to turn the monitor off. There is a knock at the door.
"Who the hell could that be?" muttered Sysop as he gulped down another beer.
He gets up, goes to the door, and chugs yet another beer. "Who the fuck is
it? I'm busy with my beer." Yelled Sysop, getting a little drunk. " Dude!
it's me, Brain Damage!" Yelled Brain Damage. Sysop flung open the door. "Holy
shit, Damage! It's good to <BBBBBBBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP> see you! How's
the mail order business?" Asked Sysop. "Kinda slow, I only made ten million
bucks last month." Said Brain Damage. "You fucking bast-" Sysop cut himself
off. "So, uh, hey, T had a good idea earlier, ya want to go to a party at
Databit's store?" Asked Sysop. "Sure, why not, It'll be like old times."
Replied Brain Damage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 15: Sysop's Suburban.

Sysop is driving, Cyberpunk and Brain Damage are next to him, McNard and
Zombie are behind them, and T and Flame are in the back. Sysop looks in his
rear-view mirror. "Ah, FUCK! I knew I shouldn't have been going ninety in a
forty-five. Shit. Shit. Shit." Said Sysop. The white cruiser was slowly
gaining on them. Sysop pulls over. "I fucking hate cops!" Said T. "You son
of a bitch. You are a cop, ya dumb-fuck." Muttered McNard. "License,
registration, and proof of insurance please." Said the cop. "HA HA HA!!!!!!
give him hell! That fucker was doin' ninty!" Said T. "Shut the fuck up, you
commie bastard!" Replied McNard. "Oh, yeah, well Fuck You!" Said Zombie.
"What?! Shut the fuck up, you little piece of shit!" Said Cyberpunk. "Would
you four please shut the FUCK UP!!!" Said Brain Damage. "FUCK YOU!!!" Say
all. "Do you fuckin' retards know the PIG is still at the window? You bunch
of stupid-ass, fuckin' bastards!!!!!!" Said McNard as he pulls out his bottle
of Scotch. "Fuck you, you insane...Star Trek...drunken...prick!" Said Zombie.
"Oh yeah, I should of let Sysop shoot you when you tried to rape that fuckin'
chicken, you fuckin' poultry peckin' bastard!" Screamed McNard as he sucked
half a quart of hooch out of his bottle. "Hey, ya want some fuckin' hooch
officer?" Asked McNard. "Jesus Christ!" Screamed Sysop. "Let me take care of
this." Said T as he got out of the truck. "Hey, Lou! how are ya?" said T.
"Oh, not too bad." Said Lou. (cop) "Listen..." Said T into Lou's ear. The
rest is inaudible. What ever T said to the cop, it worked, they were once
again on the road heading for Databit's store. Sysop didn't even get a
warning.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 16: DB'S IGA

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! What are you guys
doin' here?!" Asked Databit. "We're here to party!" Replied Sysop. "Okay,
just let me close up for the night." Said Databit. "Hey, Databit, you may
be able to help me, my dick is all dried-out and chapped. I need some
lotion." Said Cyberpunk. "Sure, we got that, it's right next to the head
buffers on the the dick aisle." Replied Databit. "Dick aisle?" Asked Sysop.
"Yeah, you know, just for cocks. Women get an exclusive pussy aisle, so I
thought, what the hell, why not make a dick aisle?" Said Databit. "Okay,
that's...original." Said Sysop. T stuffed a bag of candy in his pocket when
no one was looking. McNard and Brain Damage head for the liquor department.
Zombie slinks over to produce. "Bitchin'! six-hundred amp power supply for
the store! Woah! satillite T.V.! Cooooooool!!! Hey, Cyberpunk! Look at this!
Databit's server! I bet we can have some fun with this!" Said Sysop. "Yeah,
I've tinkered with them..." Cyberpunk trips on a pallet jack and smacks into
a wall. "A little. OWWWWWWWWW!" Moaned Cyberpunk.
"That's how ya got to talk to these bitches! Ya gotta say 'Hey! Fuck You,
bitch, I aint gonna give ya them tampons for no fucking four dollars' then
ya gotta slap 'em like the bitches they is. Hey! Pay attention, ya fuckin'
drunk!" Said Databit to McNard. "You fuckin' asshole! I'm no fuckin' drunk,
and the last time I slapped a bitch, she beat the balls off me. No sir, never
again. And, I... Shut up Riker! You fuckin' over-stuffed, momma's boy faggot!
I don't give a fuck about what you and Deanna think. What!? my fuckin' ass
isn't pimply! You fuckin' bearded bastard! Don't give me that Imzadi
bullshit, I know you and Barkly are fuckin', I heard ya when I was gettin my
hooch outa service conduit eight, you fuckin' ball slappin' inbread, son of
a Romulan whore!" Screamed McNard. "Jesus, McNard what the fuck is wrong with
you?" Asked Databit. "Me? nothing, I think you'd better have another drink."
Said McNard as he handed Databit a bottle of his Christmas Potion. Databit
took one swallow and passed out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 17: Sam's hideout.

Sam is hard at work at his shit-box work desk. He has an array of explosives,
detonators, books, and fuses. "He he he." Laughed Sam. He sneezes, blowing
black powder into his keroscene lantern. "Oh fuck." said Sam. The powder
sparked up, engulfing the lantern in fire. <BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM> The lantern
exploded, sending flames all over the workbench. "YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAA!!!"
Screamed Sam. Sam staggered to the back of the room, his head engulfed in
orange flames. He grabs a wood plank and beats himself with it. It doesn't
help. He runs around the room, screaming. "YAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOHHH!
AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He throws himself on the floor and rolls. It doesn't work. He has an idea.
He quickly pulls his pants off, grabs his dick, points it at his head and
relieves himself. The flames slowly die down, Sam lets go of his falacy, and
wipes his face free of piss. He slowly gets up, feeling his head. It's not
badly burnt, just his hair got torched. He bends down to pull up his pants
when he notices that his cock was crooked, he tries to straiten it, but it
breaks off in his hand. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"
Screamed Sam. He walks the one-hundred, thirty-four blocks to the hospital,
fuck-stick in a paper bag.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 18: DB's IGA

Zombie staggers out of the produce department with a wierd smirk. "Oh, baby,
god had never made a beauty such as thee..." Said Zombie romantically to a
picture in his hand. "Hey, Zombie, what the hell are you talking about?"
Asked Sysop. Zombie jumps and quickly hides the photo behind his back. "N-
Nothing, I, I, was, uh, s- saying a prayer." Stuttered Zombie. "Bullshit! We
had a talk about this, dammit, I wouldn't turn you in as the chicken molester
if you gave up all that fucked-up shit you're into." Said Sysop. I, uh, uh, I
was, uh, I uh..." Stammered Zombie. "Give me that fucking thing!" Screamed
Sysop. Sysop grabbed Zombie, threw him on the floor, and pulled the photo out
of his hand. "Ha ha ha! Jesus, Sysop, you want me to get you two a room?"
Said Cyberpunk. "Oh, fuck you!" Replied Sysop. Zombie and Sysop get off the
floor. "Oh, Christ!... God dammit, Zombie! I told you I wouldn't put up with
this shit." Said Sysop. "What is it?" Asked Cyberpunk. "It's a picture of his
goddamn collie!" Said Sysop. McNard walks over. "Uh-oh, here we go." Said
Cyberpunk. "What the fuck is that fuckin' bastard doin' now?" Asked McNard.
"Well, he..." Said Sysop. "What a fuckin' piece of shit. Now I've heard it
all, he joined the circus, beast-fucked a fuckin' elephant, molested a
monkey, and raped a peanut." Said McNard. The others just stared at him.
"What the fuck are all you fuckin' slack-jawed faggots lookin' at? Damn
you, Riker, this is my ship, I'll hide my fuckin' hooch wherever I fuckin'
want! Fuck you, Troi, you tryin' to mind fuck me, bitch? Mr. Worf, please
shoot these mutinous fiends!" Screamed McNard. "Jesus Christ. He's Trekkin'
out!" Yelled Sysop. "We need to get his ass sedated!" Screamed Brain Damage.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 19: Sam's house

After having what he considers his penis reattached, Sam heads for his
house. His parents are away for the week, celebrating their son's
incarceration. "I haven't had a drink in a year." Said Sam to himself.
In prison, Sam leared how to build a still. "I'm gonna cook me some whiskey!"
Said Sam as he went to work.

-Time Passes-

"HA HA HA!!!" Laughed Sam to himself. "Now to fire this bastard up! He he."
Said sam as he lites the alcohol burner. "Heh heh... Uh-Oh!" <BOOOOOOOOOOM>
His still explodes, throwing sherapnel at Sam. A length of copper tubing
smacks into his left arm, ripping it off. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHH
HHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He picks up
his severed arm and runs in the house. He frantically searches his parent's
house for hooch. He finds a bottle of Brandy and a bottle of gin, pops the
caps off, raises them high in the air, and empties them into his mouth.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 20: DB's IGA

<POWWWWWW!!!> McNard falls to the floor, unconsious. Brain Damage stands over
him with a baseball bat. He turns to the others. "He's sedated!" Yells Brain
Damage. "Pull him out of the way and put a couple bottles of whiskey near him
so when he wakes up he won't be too pissed." Says Sysop. T slips a roll of
35mm film into his back pocket. <BEEEEEEEEP...BEEEEEEEEP...BEEEEEEEEP> "What
the hell?!" Said Databit. "What is that?" Asked Sysop. "It's the fucking fire
alarm!" Said Databit. Sysop looks around the group. They all turn to each
other "Flame!!!" Say all. They all run off in seperate directions. T busies
himself on the magazine aisle tearing out pages and stuffing them in his
pockets. "Hey guys! I found him!" Yells Cyberpunk. The others run over to
Flame, who was looking down at his feet. "What did you do Flame?" Asked
Cyberpunk. "I torched that goddamn feminine hygien spray display." Muttered
Flame. "Why?" asked Sysop. "Well, I just, uh, well, it all started two-years
ago, when I still worked at the fire department..." Said Flame. "Go on." Said
Brain Damage. "Well this skanky bitch walks in an' she smells like fish, so I
told her to spray that mutating ass of hers' and she picked up a fire
extingisher and beat the hell out of me with it. Ever since then, I haven't
been able to control myself around pussy products and fire extinguishers."
Said Flame. "Okay, just be careful, you can burn the displays, just don't
incinerate the store." Said Sysop. "Well, I think we should go, Databit will
probably wake up in a couple hours, McNard too, and I don't want to be here
when they do." Said Cyberpunk. "Yeah, you're right, lets... where's Zombie?"
Said Sysop. "Oh, no, not again." Said T. "Here I am, I wasn't touching
myself." Said Zombie. "Thanks for the update." Said Sysop. The group leave
the store, tie Zombie to the roof of Sysop's Suburban, and head for Sysop's
house.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 21: Sam's House

"YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Sam as he
put the last stitch in his appendage. "Damn you, Sysop...DAMN YOU!!!!!!" Said
Sam as he lay the spool of fishing line down. "I wish I had a com.....YES!!!"
Sam noticed his parent's new computer in the corner. "Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!"
laughed Sam. He ran over to the computer, tripping on a table leg and falling
on his bad arm. "WWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
YYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sam got up, grabbed his bottles of hooch, and finished them off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 22: Sysop's Truck

"Fuck you, you son of a bitch!" Yelled Cyberpunk to the cieling of the truck.
"Their all over me!!!! Get 'em off, aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! There eating me!"
Screamed Zombie. "What did he say?" Asked Cyberpunk. "Somthing about bugs
eating him, I don't know....who cares." Replied Sysop. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
Screamed Zombie again. "Shut the fuck up!!" Yelled Cyberpunk. "Uh, T, what's
in that bag you brought from the store?" Asked Sysop. "Shut up and drive,
you nosy bastard." Said T. "Fair enough." Said Sysop. "Ahhgggggggghhhh!!!! I
can't breathe!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Zombie. Sysop clicked on his wind shield
washers, spraying Zombie. "AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm drowning!!!" Screamed
Zombie. "Hey, Brain Damage, how tight did you tie those knots?" Asked Sysop.
"Not very." Said Brain Damage. "He he he." Snikkered Sysop. Sysop made an
abrupt right turn down Love Lake road. "Where are we going?" Asked Flame.
"You'll see, buckle up." Said Sysop. "Uh-oh." Said Cyberpunk. "You see,
objects that are in motion tend to stay in motion, and objects that are
anchored by loose knots not only tend to stay in motion, but also tend to
make us laugh our asses off." Explained Sysop. "Huh?" Said Brain Damage.
"Do I have to slap you?" Asked Cyberpunk of Brain Damage. Sysop punched it
as he grew nearer to Love Lake. "Hold on!" Screamed Sysop. <SSSSSCREEEEEEECH>
They all laughed as Zombie was fired from the roof of Sysop's truck. "Hey,
look, he's tryin' ta fly....Ha ha ha, look at him go!" Said Cyberpunk.

-TIME PASSES-

"Okay, let's go." Said Sysop. They all pile back into the truck and head down
the road toward Sysop's house. "Hey Sysop, that's the ugliest goddamn hood
ornament I' ve ever seen." Said Flame. "That's Zombie, stupid-ass." Replied
Cyberpunk.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 23: 3rd St. and Jesus Christ Ave.

"Fuckin' bastards... Fuckin' Sysop, fuckin' Zombie, fuckin' Cyberpunk,
fuckin' Flame, fuckin' Brain Damage. Make me walk home. Fuckin' assholes.
Fuckin' shitheads. Fuckin' goddamn sons of bitches. Give me a lousy two
bottles of fuckin' hooch, fuckin' cheap-ass bastards." Muttered McNard as he
made his way home. <SSSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!>
"Oh...Shit!" Screamed McNard. <THUD> "Is that you, Jesus?" Asked McNard.
"Yes, it is I, my son. You may ask three questions of me." Replied Jesus
Christ. "Uh, well, I, I've been wondering since I was a kid... Do you have
hooch in heaven?" Asked McNard. "Yes, my son." Said Jesus. "YEAH!!!!! Uh, am
I dead?" Asked McNard. "It is not your time, my dad's kinda the one that
makes that decision." Replied Jesus. "Yeah, he's a real bastard. Uh, will I
be going to heaven when I die?" Asked McNard. "My son, I'm afraid you won't,
you have sinned, and you shall pay for it with an eternity in hell." Said
Jesus. "Uh..." Stammered McNard. <POOOOF> "Get your dad down here, sonny
boy." Said the Angel of Darkness. "He's takin' a bath." Said Jesus. "Shit!"
Replied Satan. "Uh, I'll get the fuck out of here now...." Said McNard.
"No!" Say Jesus and the devil. "I don't want that fucker in hell, he could
start a big fire...You remember what happened with Elvis, don't you?"
"Oh, yeah...Hmmm. I suppose we could just make him immortal." Said Jesus.
"Yeah, that works for me." Said Satan. And so it was done. "Hey Christ, I
know your dad's busy running the universe and shit, but what do you do?"
Asked McNard. "I believe your three questions were up, but I will answer that.
I play Yatzee with Marillin Monroe, and before that, I had those pesky
puncture wounds on my hands fixed. Chicks don't dig 'em." Said Jesus.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 24: Sam's House

"La la la la lala I'm as happy as a bird in a tree, but people shoot at me!
So I shit all over their cars! La la la la lala do di di." Sang Sam
drunkenly to himself. Sam goes to work on his masterpiece, six pounds of C-4,
electrically detonated by remote. "HEEEE HEEEE HEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed
Sam insanely to himself. "Now, let's see...Mash the crystals into <burrrrp>
the wax.... Try not to kill self... Ah! done!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 25: Sysop's House

"You fuckin' crack baby!!!" Screamed Sysop. "Fuck you, you're ulgy as a...
an Irish asshole!" Replied Zombie. "You little...come here!" Said Sysop.
Sysop grabbs the crack baby and a clothes hanger and hauls him outside.
"He's in trouble now. Huh huh huh huh." Laughed Flame. "Yeah, now he's
fucked. That's what he gets for calling Sysop a gay monkey slapper." Said
Cyberpunk. "YYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! My
nipple!!!!!" Screamed Zombie from outside. "Huh huh huh huh huh huh, where's
my matches?" Said Flame. Sysop struts in, laughing. "Where's Zombie?" Asked
Cyberpunk. "He climbed onto the roof." Said Sysop. You want I should torch
it and kill him, Sysop?" Asked Flame. "Uh, no thanks, I like my house."
Replied Sysop.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 26: Our Lady of the Rotten Miracle Hospital

"Mr. McNard, uh, Mr. McNard?" Said Doctor Death. "Wha... What the fuck? Where
the hell am I?" Asked McNard. "Uh, Mr. McNard... What is you real name, the
only I.D. we found was this Starfleet crewmember card." Said Doc. "I asked
you a fuckin' question, ensign!" Screamed McNard. "Uh, McNard, please
cooperate, I'm here to help you." Pleaded the doctor. "You little bastard!
Who tought you protocol?! You may address me as sir!" Screached McNard.
"Yes sir. Well, uh, when the EMTs found you, two days ago, you had a blood
alchohol level of .31, now it's at .09, I don't understand it. Sir." Said
Doc. "It just levels off at that. Never gets any lower. Now, where's my
fuckin' hooch?" <Doctor Death to O.R. 6> Screamed the intercom. The doc runs
out of the room. "Fuckin' prick." Said McNard.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 27: McNard's wreck on it's way to work

<Screak Pop Eeeeeeeek put put eeeek, screak> "Fuckin' garbage truck." Said
McNard. <HONNNK Nice car, shithead!> "Fuck you, you fuckin' cocksuckin'
bastard!!!!!!!" Screamed McNard to the passing car. "Fuckin'.... shit!"
Screamed McNard. <Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech> "No! Not my minibar!" Yelled McNard.
McNard's entire minibar smashed into his windshield. "Oh...Fuck!" The Two
gallons of hooch ran down and into the dash. <WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF>
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit!!!!!!!!!!! A sudden arc
ignited the abundance of alcohol in his dash. The wreck, now a huge fireball
careened down the highway. "AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!
<CRUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNCH> Ow!" Screamed McNard. He managed to sqeeze out of his
window before his seat caught fire. "Fuckin' Dodges!!!! Now I lost all my
fuckin' hooch!" Screamed McNard just in time for a bus load of nuns to hear
his insane ranting. The nun patrol pulled up in front of McNard's car. "We
forgive you for your fowl language." Said Mother Superior. "I didn't ask for
any fuckin' forgivness." Replied McNard. "Listen, asshole, you want us to put
out the fire or not?" Asked Nun #1. "If it wouldn't be too much fuckin'
trouble." Said McNard sincerely. The nuns bring two extinguishers back to the
inferno, and slowly kill the flames. "You chicks are alright, thanks. I'll
never call another nun a 'fuckin' fat penguin whore' again. Said McNard.
The nuns drive off, McNard gets back into his crispy wreck, starts it up, and
crawls back onto the highway.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 28: Sam's house

<BEEP BOOP DI DO BOOP BEEP DO> "HA HA HA HA HA!!! Finally, my plan goes to
work! HA HA HA HA HA!!!! <Screeeeee-beep-woop-weeep-sssshhhhh> HA HA HA HA!
connect 57600, sure beats 1200." Said Sam. Sam logs on as BraIn and uses a
password of C44U. He goes to the message menu and sends this to Sysop:
Revenge is a dish best served cold--It's very cold in....uh, a refrigerator.
(sam recently got to see Star Trek II in prison) He saves the message, and
drops carrier. "BWAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Laughed Sam.
"Now for part two."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 29: The Mall

"Go see Santa, Timmy. And tell him what you want for Christmas." Said the
young mother. "Okay, mommy." Said the happy son. "HO HO HO, and a merry f-
Christmas!" Sang McNard. The small child sits on his lap. "And what do you
want for f- Christmas, little boy?" Askes McNard. "I wanna choo-choo, and a
pony, and a Barney doll, and a..." Said the boy. "A f- Barney doll, why would
you want a f- Barney doll, what are ya, a f- f- momma's f- boy?" The boy
starts crying. "Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Santa was mean to me! Waaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!"
"Uh-Oh, uh, it's f- alright, sonny, I'm sorry, I was a f- jerk." Whimpers
McNard. The young mother of the boy runs up and pulls her son out of McNard's
lap, but not before the boy managed to relieve his bladder. "I'm sorry,
ma'am, but I..." McNard finds the puddle in his lap. "That little bastard
pissed all over me! I'm gonna bust that little pecker off! Come back here you
fuckin' weak-dicked commie kindergardner!" The mother runs away with her son.
McNard jumps out of his chair and runs after them, followed by mall security
guards. <POOOFTH-------THOCK!> "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!"
Screamed McNard as he falls to the floor and goes into convultions. "Jesus,
that's enough, Joe!" Yelled the head guard to his subordinate. Joe sadly
yanked the taser darts from McNard's head. "McNard to Crusher, I- uuuh."
Wispered McNard.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 30: Sysop's house

"What the fuck is this? Revenge is a dish best served cold... It's very cold
in a refrigerator?" Asked Sysop. "I thought that was supposed to be space."
Said Brain Damage. "Well, it's probably just some fucking thirteen year-old
bastard who slaps himself with a bannana peel." Said Sysop. He was more right
than he could imagine. "Hey Sysop, what's with these handcuffs?" Asked Flame.
"Uh, nothing." Replied Sysop. "What about these whips and chains, and this
yo-yo?" Asked Cyberpunk. "Uh, I uh, nothing." Replied Sysop. "Hi Sysop!" Said
Cyberslut, who just walked in. "Uh, h- hi, honey, uh we uh, the guys and I
were, uh, playing tennis, er Yahtzee, uh, that's it, Yahtzee." Stuttered
Sysop. "What's with these leather <SMACK!> Owwwwww! Why you do dat? Why slap
me in mout?" Asked Flame through swollen lips. "Shut the fuck up!" Yelled
Sysop. "And you guys say you're friends?" Asked Cybersult. "Yup." Said Sysop
nervously. "I have an idea, why don't we all go out to dinner?" Asked
Cyberpunk. "Hey, that's a great idea, and I'll bring the masturbator, er,
napkins." Said Zombie as he staggered through the back door. "You stupid
bastard. Number one, we're going out to eat, not having a picknick, and
number two, how in the name of Christ can you confuse masturbator with
napkin?" Asked Sysop. Zombie just looked at his feet and started crying.
"What the hell is wrong with you Zom- <Bing Bong> Who the hell is that?"
Asked Sysop, annoyed. <Wham WHam WHAm WHAM> "Open the fuck up you sons of
bitches! Open the fuckin' door! Merry fuckin' Christmas, you bastards!
Ho ho ho and fuck you!" Screamed McNard from outside. Sysop flung the door
open. <CLANG> The door smashed into McNard's wheelchair, sending it
backwards down the hill. "You fuckin' bastard!" Screamed McNard as he
careened down the hill, out of control. "Fuckin' shit!" McNard slammed on his
brakes, the chair skidded sideways. "AAAAAAAHHHHH FUCK!" Screamed McNard as
his chair flipped over and rolled down the hill, with him in it. "Goddamn
you, Sysop!" Screamed McNard as his chair started rolling end-over-end, cart-
wheeling through cactus. "Fuckin' seatbelt!" Yelled McNard. The chair flipped
back onto it's wheels and raced straight for McNard's car. "Oh shit." Said
McNard, calmly. <CCCCRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH> McNard's
Wheelchair fell apart like a Ford on race day, pieces flying through the air,
twisted metal hitting the ground, McNard flying through the passenger window
of his car, flying through the other side, and sliding to a halt on Sysop's
gravel driveway. McNard got up, dusted himself off, and headed for Sysop.
Strangly enough, he didn't have a mark on him, when he should have been
bleeding to death. "Uh, you okay?" Asked Sysop. What was with the wheelchair
you had?" McNard glanced back down the hill. "Oh, I was fuckin' paralyzed
from the eye-lids down a couple a fuckin' hours ago." Replied McNard. "Do
you want to go with us to Applebee's Thing for dinner?" Asked Cyberslut.
"Yeah, why the fuck not." Said McNard. The whole lot of them jumped in
Sysop's Suburban, and head for town.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 31: Sam on his way to Sysop's house

"He he he!" Laughed Sam. Sam dragged is wrecked, forteen year-old body up
the street. "Hey! Rambo!! Nice gear, fuckface!" Yelled a mime. "Fuck you."
Replied Sam.
"You want a piece of me?" Asked mime.
"Any time, bitch."
"Them is fightin' words, bastard!"
"Come on!" Said Sam. <SMACK!!!!!> "OWWWWWWW!!!" Yelled Sam. Sam grabbed the
mime's leg. "What are you gonna do, fuck me?" Laughed mime. Sam sneered and
bit into his leg. "AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!! You prick!" Screamed mime. The mime
shook Sam off his leg and smashed his fist into his face. "OOOOOOOH!!!!! You
brook me nose!" Cried Sam. Sam punched him in the neck. The mime shook it
off. He picked Sam up and threw him over his head. The carcase crashed into
a parked car. Sam lay there, bleeding, near death. "Ha ha ha!!! Look, I'm in
a box! Ha ha ha! Gotta climb the rope!" Sang the mime.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 32: 3rd Street Sex Bar

"Oh, Harry! Unnnnngh Unnnnngh aaaaaah!!!!!! Fuck me, Harry!!!!! Oh, feels so
good!!!!!" Moaned Candy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 33: Applebee's Thing

"So, why didn't you get hurt when you rolled down the hill?" Asked Sysop.
"Oh, Jesus and Satan gave me immortality." Replied McNard. Cyberslut gagged
on a piece of bread at that remark. "Okay, uh, well... That's good to know."
Said Sysop. "Hey! Put those fuckin' matches down, you fuckin' psycho!"
Screamed McNard. Everyone in the resturant turned towards Craptain McNard.
"Uh, McNard, I think you should appologize to all the nice people you pissed
off." Said Cyberpunk. "Yeah, okay, I'll do that. Everyone! Could I have your
fuckin' attention please!? I just wanted to say I'm sorry for making you stop
stuffing your fat, fuckin' faces with fuckin' french fries. Fuck you all!"
Yelled McNard. "Nice job, Shakespear." Said Cyberslut. Suddenly, a waiter
came to thier table. "How y'all doin'? I'm Tex, I'll be yer waiter this
evenin'." Said Tex. "Howdy, fuckin' partner, I think I'll have a nice
Manhattan to start, but I'll also need a fuckin' hooch list, ya got one?"
Asked McNard. "Uh, sir, I have a wine list." Said Tex. "Wine my fuckin'
ass. If I wanted wine, I'd just piss in my fuckin' mouth. Tex started crying.
"What the hell? I thought cowboys were fuckin' tough, not fuckin' faggoty-ass
pussies! Who are ya, fuckin' Garth Brooks?" Said McNard. Tex grabbed McNard
by the hand and stabbed it with a fork. "You think that hurt? I'm immortal,
you stupid bastard! Jesus Christ and the fucker with the tail made me that
way. Now be a nice prick and bring me my Manhattan and a steak, well done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 34: Sysop's House

"He he he he, ow, he he he oooooh." Sam dragged his tattered, wreck of a
body up Sysop's driveway. The poor little bastard made his way to Sysop's
modem-line junction box. "He he he he! OWWWW! Time to fuck Sysop with a
little help from Ma Bell." Sam pried the box cover off with two screw drivers.
"He he he. What the? Huh, eleven pairs of wires? He only has ten lines." Sam
crept over to a side window, opened it, and climed through. Sam made his way
to Sysop's computer room, the wall-to-wall maze of components. Sam turned on
the overhead light. His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw
Sysop's servers and command center. It was immense, a thrown of a black
leather chair sitting in front of four LCD monitors, various data router
switches, a digital node-selection keypad, and a stack of Playboys. As Sam
surveyed the room, he realized Sysop was capable of over two-hundred lines.
He drooled over the three-three foot tall servers, two CD towers, two massive 105-line
analog data hubs, and eight modem racks. He had everything but the phone
lines. Sam found a small clipboard with phone numbers on it. They were the
node numbers. All ten, no, all eleven of them! Written next the numbers were
short descriptions. Lines one through six were member lines, while seven
through ten were normal, non-member lines. Now, next to number eleven were
the words: Super User. Sam coppied down the number, turned off the light,
and jumped back out the window.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 35: Applebee's Thing

"BBBBBUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHH! That's good steak!
I haven't had a fuckin' steak that good in a fuckin' year!" Yelled McNard.
One guy at a table near them was getting pissed. "Your wine, sir." Said the
waiter to McNard. "It's about fuckin' time you incompetant bastard!" Screamed
McNard. The guy at the other table had as much as he could take. "Would you
shut your filthy mouth?!!!" He screamed to McNard. McNard calmly looked in
the guy's direction. "Fuck you. You my fuckin' daddy? Fuckin' bastard." Said
McNard. He started draining his bottle of wine. The other guy flung a fork at
McNard. It stuck in his face. McNard finished his bottle of wine, set it
down, and yanked the fork out of his cheek. "You know, when I was mortal,
that would have hurt like hell. I'm sure glad I got run over by that- WHAT
THE FUCK IS THAT NOISE?!" Screamed McNard. They all look toward Zombie.
He was staring at his club sandwich. <THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP> <SMACK SMACK>
<WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM> "Oooooooooooooooh!" Zombie looked up at his
friends, who were all staring at him. "Uh... What?" Asked Zombie. "What
did you do!?" Asked Cyberslut. "That fuckin' bastard choked his goddamn
chicken under the fuckin' table! He popped his fuckin' pink Yugo and stroked
it until it backfired! Yelled McNard.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 36: Sysop's House

Sam crouches by Sysop's junction box, digging through his backpack with his
left hand, and his nose with his right. He pulls out a mangled piece of
home-made plastic explosive, a quib, some wire, and a radio shack phone.
The bastard pops the cover off his phone, rips the speaker out, leaving
the positive and negative ringer wires exposed. Then the little shit twists
the wire he brought around those, and attaches his quib to the new long
ringer wires. Then the punk-ass bitch splices his phone into Sysop's
eleventh-node circuit wires. After scratching his remaining testicle, he
crawls over to Sysop's computer-room window, ringer wires and plastique in
hand. He sticks the explosive near the sill, sinks the quib in, and heads for
home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 37: Sysop's Suburban

"Fuck! Loose that son of a bitch!" Screamed T, who they picked up after
they were kicked out of the resturaunt. The police cruiser was slowly
gaining. "God damn those stupid pedestrian laws. Stupid blind bitch."
Said Sysop. "Roll down my window, Sysop." Said T. Sysop flipped down the
back window switch, and T's side window came down with a sweet hum. "Why did
you want-" Began Sysop, who stopped his question in mid-sentence when he
saw that T was hanging half-outside the window, his gun drawn. "Uh, T..."
Said Sysop. <BLAAAMMM!!!> "Jesus Christ!" Yelled Sysop. "What the hell are
you doing?!!" Screamed Cyberslut. "Take that, you fucking pig!" Yelled T.
<BLAAAAAMMMM!!!! BLAMMMMMM!!!!! BLAAAAMMMM!!!!!> The cruiser took two hits
in the radiator, one took out the right headlight, and the last grazed the
hood. "Holy fuck!, you're a fuckin' good shot!" Said McNard. "Turn those
fuckin' lights off! They're pissing me off." Yelled T to the cruiser, as he
took aim. <BLAAAAMMM!!!! BLLLLAAAMM!!!! BLAAAAMM!!! CLICK!> "Aw, fuck!"
Said T as he climed back in the truck. "Just a sec' guys, I need to reload.
"I'd rather you didn't, maybe we won't go to prison." Said Cyberslut. T
filled his clip again and slithered back out the window. <POP!!!!!> <CRACK!>
"SHHIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yelled T as a bullet whizzed by his shoulder.
"You bastards!" He yelled as he drew on them. <BLAMMMM!!!! BLAAAM!!!!> He
killed the cruiser's other headlight and nailed the bumper this time, and
his last barage practically destroyed the lightbar. <POP!!!> <ZZZING>
<SCRRRRRRRRUCCCCCHHHH!!!! THUD!!!> "FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yelled Sysop as
he began to swerve. "Look at that shit, he took out my back window, that'll
cost $300 easy! Where did the bullet go?" Said Sysop. "I found it." Said
McNard. "Where is it?" Asked Zombie, who had kept quiet until now. Partially
do to the fact that he just managed to peel the duct-tape from his mouth.
"It's stuck in my fuckin' head." Replied McNard. "Yiiiieeeee haaaaaaaaw!!!!"
Screamed T. <BLAAAAAAAM!!!!!! BLAMMMMM!!!!!! BLAAMMM!!!> <CRUNCH> The
pigmobile lost a tire with T's last shot. <SCREEEEEEEEEEE ERRP CRUNCH!!!!>
The car skidded on two wheels, flipped over and slid to a stop on its roof.
The Suburban and her misguided crew faded into the night like a ghost on the
wind.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 38: A small rural town twenty-two miles south-east of Superior, Arizona

"Huh huh huh.... Look maw, paw's a mountin' that thare cow. Huh huh huh!"
Said Billy Ray.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 39: Sysop's House

<SCRE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-CH ERRP> Sysop flew into his driveway. "God damn! I love
anti-lock brakes." Said Sysop to his wife. The shitload of them went into his
house. Sysop goes to his computer room to check the status of his nodes.
After ploping down in his black leather thrown, he manipulates his digital
keypad, switching through node displays on his main monitor. After becoming
satisfied with the knowledge that everything was normal, he put his feet up,
and became ingrossed in this month's Playboy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 40: Sam's House

"Opportunity is the beginning of success, action is the beginning of heroism,
and really big explosions are the beginning of revenge." Said Sam.
<CLICK--BEEP BOOP DI DO BOOP BEEP DO>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 41: Sysop's House

"Oh baby... Become that Harley!" Said Sysop. <Fweep Fweep Fweep> "What the
hell?" Asked Sysop to himself. The call router alarm was going off. It's
only supposed to do so when the secret line was accessed. Sysop sent
out a trace before transfering the call to an available modem. <BEEP> It
was the modem ringer, but only for a split second. <FFSSSSSSSSSSSS POOOFFF>
Sysop jumped, startled be the sudden flash of light outside the window. The
modem and router went dead, so Sysop pulled the emergency shutdown fuse,
killing all the power to his computer room. For the first time in six years,
Bit Haven was off line (except that one time we're all aware of).
"Hellllllppppp!!!!!!!" Cried Sysop. Cyberslut, McNard,Flame, Cyberpunk and
T rushed in to see what was wrong. All they could do was stare. No blinking
data transfer LEDs, no musical carrier tones, no cooling fans humming, no
router clicking, no displays lit. Silence. Darkness. They all brought their
attention to the gold ring in Sysop's hand. At the end of the string, tied
around the golden ring, was the main fuse. "What happened?" Asked Cyberslut.
It took a moment for Sysop to put it into words. "There was a call on line
eleven, so I transfered it to a low security modem...And something outside
flashed, and the router and modem went down, so I pulled the cord." Replied
Sysop. "Let's go check it out." Said Cyberpunk to T. T readied his handgun
and they went outside.

-----Moments Pass, Anxiety Rises-----

"Hey Sysop!" Yelled Cyberpunk through the window. The others jumped at his
outburst. "What's is it, are we fucked? It's the junction isn't it? I'm
fucked." Said Sysop. "No, it's not the junction. I think someone is a little
pissed at you." Said Cyberpunk as he held something through the window. Sysop
studied the object. "Plastique. Fucking plastic explosive. Hahahahaha! It's a
goddamn dud!" Exclaimed Sysop. The home-made death clay only caught fire.
But some damage was done. The router and a modem were shorted out when the
conductor insulation melted and the wires touched. That's about $700 of
damage. "That gives me the mother-fuckin' redass. Now the system has to be
rebooted, reinitialized, and we'll have to restore memory from the backups.
That'll take at least five damn hours." Said Sysop. "We have to find this
fuckin' bastard and beat the shit out of him." Said McNard. "Hey T, call
the phone company, I ran a SATNET trace on the call before I transfered it,
they should have the results now." Commanded Sysop. T grabbed his cell phone
and hammered the numbers in, his fingers were a blur.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 42: Sam's House

"YEEEEEAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! I've done it!! I destroyed that son of a bitch!"
Screamed Sam. Sam ran out of the house, toward his hideout.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 43: Sysop's Suburban

<SCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!> Sysop guided the behemouth
four-by-four toward the south end of town. To Sam's house. Sysop got everyone
together to help, the flagship mountain-climer flew down the road, hammer
down, packed with pissed off Bit Haveners. "I'm ready, let's kick ass. Let's
beat this fucker into a bloody shitstain." Said T. "I'm gonna hurt him real
bad." Said Zombie. "Somebody kill that damn orange panda." Said Freedom, who
just flew in from Columbia, and promptly got stoned out of his mind.
"BUUURRPP." Belched McNard. "Let's have some cruisin' tunes, Sysop!" Said
Jen, the lesbian wife of Anna, who was sitting next to Databit. "Okay, hold
on to your butts." Said Sysop as he manipulated his Alpine deck. <click
BOOOOOMM!!! BOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!> Every one seemed
to enjoy the brutal bass hits but Zombie who was screaming at Sysop, and even
though he was only one seat behind him, Sysop couldn't hear his frantic
pleading.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 44: Sam's Hideout

"Oh! Shit! My map!!! I forgot the fucking map!" Screamed Sam. Sam drew
himself a short-cut map to his hideout, but forgot it at his house. Sam
began setting his anti personel traps. (At least, that's what he calls 'em.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 45: Sam's House

"Fuck! He got away. Musta knew we was comin'." Said Databit. "Duh, are ya
sure, Datashit?" Asked Flame. "Oh, I see, you want a piece of me, fuckface?"
Replied Databit. "Would you two shut the fuck up, were gonna get busted if
you keep yelling." Said Anna. "Let's trash the fuckin' place!" Yelled McNard.
Sysop had brought his baseball bat with him that he normally stores in his
truck. "Fuck it up!" Screamed Sysop as he smashed the shit out the new Sony
27" TV Sam's parents just bought with their son's social security check.
T grabbed his nightstick and began bashing the prized knick-knacks on a
bunch of shelves into about a billion pieces. Zombie found a set of golf
clubs and took the driver. "EEEEEEAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" He screamed, running
down the hall, swinging the club. He throttled the hell out of the drywall.
Cyberslut started breaking dishes and bending silverware into pretzles.
McNard staggered over to Sam's parent's computer. "Buuuurrrrpppp, I'm gonna
fuck you up somethin' frutastic." He grabbed the monitor and threw it onto
the floor, smashing the thing like an egg. Just before he picked up the
computer, he spotted a piece of piss-colored paper. He picks it up and
examines it, "what the fuck does this say?" He turned it around and around,
flipped it, and finally gave up, throwing it on the floor. Flame picks it up,
sparks his zippo, and is about to incinerate the paper when, "Hey, Sysop!
look at this!" Sysop came over, stole the piss-yellow paper out of Flame's
hand and studies it. "Everybody! Get back in my truck, it's time to break
this fucker's dick off and kick it around on the ground!!!" Screamed Sysop.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 46: Sysop's Suburban

"Stupid fucking bastard. Jesus Christ, this is supposed to be a short-cut?!"
Bitched Sysop. As they rolled over hills and bounded through small erosion
ravines, the occupants of Sysop's Suburban (save himself) chanted,"kill the
bastard! KILL THE BASTARD!!!" Sysop was too pissed to chant and sing. He
slowed to a stop at a sign the read: KEEP OUT, GENEAS AT WORK. "Fucking moron,
thinks he's a goddamn genius." Babbled Cyberpunk. They all get out of the
truck and look further down the road. Each member of the group was armed.
Sysop has his baseball bat, Cyberpunk has his blade, Databit has a slingshot,
McNard has what's left of Sam's computer, Cyberslut has a curtain rod, T has
his pistol and nightstick, Zombie has a gelly vibrator, Flame has his usual
assortment of pyrotechnical devices, and Freedom has a shoulder-launched
surface-to-surface missile, and Anna and Jen had stun guns.
============================================================================
Ending One

They walked about two-hundred yards down the rough dirt road. Sysop heard
laughing and water splashing. As they neared a clearing, the murading band
of BBSers spied an orgy of flesh. Sysop and his crew moved closer, stealthly.
There are about a dozen women rithing in extacy, the morning sun glistening
in the thin sheen of sweat that covers thier young, shaply bodies. There are
two more naked women fanning someone laying on a bed of dark-green leaves.
The women's breasts swayed along with the rythem of thier feathered fans.
Another shaply vixen sat at the shoulder and head of the person lying on the
leaves, hand-feeding him or her. Sysop and his merry men and women slowly
moved toward the orgy, strangly, the gorgeous women smeemed not to notice.
Even when they walked past them, the women paid no attention, they mearly
continued thier sensual act. As they got closer to the fanners and the lucky
object of their efforts, they could see who the lucky one was. Sysop and his
friends turned away, defeated. It was Sam. If someone like him could be
surrounded by lesbians and fed grapes, he must be worth more than to be
killed by people obviously lower in society than he. Sysop and the rest of
his defeated crew returned to thier respective homes and lived the rest of
their lives in solitude, with the knowledge that they are unworthy of Sam's
place in the world. Rotting in darkness, many years later, Sysop dies alone,
terrified, and painfully. Sam lived happily ever after and grew up to be the
leader of the continental government. He lived the rest of his life in the
arms of many beatiful young women. ==========The End==========

Naaaaaaaaaaa, I don't think so.
============================================================================
Ending Two

McNard stares down the winding dirt road with an odd emotion apparent in his
eyes. He digs a small flask of Christmas Potion out of his duffle bag, slowly
brings it up to his lips, and is about to drink when he notices something
sparkling on the ground about fifty feet from them. "Sysop." Said McNard
while pointing to the object. The team moved down the road, becoming cautious
when they approached the thing McNard saw. As they came upon it, they could
see that it was a thin metalic string glinting in the morning light. "What
a stupid ass!" Said Zombie as he moved up to the string. He began to step
over it when Sysop said, "No, wait." But Zombie put one foot over anyway,
and tried to plant it on the other side, but the small clump of grass gave
way, droping Zombie's foot a good six inches. "YYYYYYYIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help!!!" Screamed Zombie. The others
ran up to him, keeping thier distance from the string. Cyberpunk reached him
first and lifed him up, reveling a four-inch nail stuck through Zombie's foot.
The nail had been driven through a one-eighth-inch thick board, placed in a
strategically dug hole, and covered by a piece of plastic mesh with dirt and
dead grass spead across it. A clever trap. "Mother fucker!" Said Zombie.
"One of us was meant to see the string and step over it, so we'd step on the
nail. The goddamn string is a decoy." Said Databit. Flame steped up to the
metal string and kicked it. <Click... THOCK!....Thump> "EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!"
Screamed Cyberslut. Everyone turned to Flame, whose lifeless body was spread
out across the string, a steel crossbow bolt stuck in his neck. "Jesus
Christ." Said Sysop. McNard drinks from his flask with a shaky hand. T shoots
a steam of vomit all over his own shoes. Sysop, Cyberpunk and Databit pull
Flame's body to the side of the road and cover it with the tarp Sysop had
under his back seat. The rest push on, leaving Flame to rest in peace. The
group of mourners with a vengence stopped to rest under a large tree. Databit
and McNard noticed an old hunter's tree stand and climb up to it to see if
they could see where Sam might be hiding. They had decided to give up after
five minutes when they couldn't see anything useful. They began to climb out
of the stand when McNard bumped a piece of wood near the exit. <CLOCCKKK!!!>
The whole tree stand came down, McNard was thrown clear and landed on his
face in the dirt. Databit got caught in a coiled-up rope on the floor of the
stand, he swung out of control, and hit his upper back on a thick limb, and
hung there, head down. Sysop, his wife, Cyberpunk, and Jen moved over to
Databit. He was concious, trying to say something. Blood bubbled out from his
mouth and dribbled down his chin, then he passed away, staring at them with
those cold, distant, frightened eyes. Sysop fell to his knees. "NNNOOOOOO!!!"
He screamed to god. Cyberslut began to cry, Cyberpunk led her and Jen away
from the tree. Sysop brought himself to his feet and moved even closer to
Databit's body. He gently turned him around, reveling the cause of death,
a knot in the wood crushed several of Databit's vertebrae and the bone
fragments severed most of his spinal cord. Sysop looked closer at the knot.
The words: -SS WAZ HERE- were etched into it. Sysop looked at the rope which
hung Databit. It was tied to a limb above him, and was drawn through the tree
stand at a large angle. This was done on purpose. Sysop cut the rope and
Databit's carcace fell to the ground below. The remnants of the group
continue on. They round a curve in the road, and come upon an old shack,
its wall boards half-burried in dirt. Zombie, Cyberpunk, Jen, Anna, and T run
for the shack. Sysop, Cyberslut, and McNard continue walking, talking about
their deceased friends. <BOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!> The
three slackers snap thier attention to a sudden explosion. The dirt seemed to
swallow up the view ahead, followed by a huge ball of fire and white smoke.
When it all settled, the rubble was terrifying. Blood and body parts strewn
over a hundred feet in any direction. There were no survivors. The last three
BBSers head for the shack. Sysop reached the door first and about to kick it.
"Sysop, let me, I'm immortal." Said McNard. Sysop let him by. McNard kicked
the door down. At the same time, an eight-pound axe swung down from the
ceiling of the shack and landed in McNard's chest. He stumbled back, the axe
still lodged in the middle of his chest. He falls, restling with the iron
blade. He pulls it out and casts it aside. "I'm okay." He says. Sysop and
Cyberslut walk through the door. <BLAAAAAAMMM!!!!... Thump> McNard runs in
to see what happened. He sees Sysop and Cyberslut dead on the floor of the
shack, and then sees Sam with a Colt .45. Sam shot Sysop in the head and the
bullet passed through him and into Cyberslut, killing her. They were dead
before they hit the floor together. McNard lunges toward Sam, he shoots him
one...two...three...four times, but McNard shakes them off. Sam ducks out of
McNard's grasp, and runs outside. He picks up the axe. McNard walks out of the
shack and toward Sam. "You can't kill me, I'm am an immortal." Said McNard.
"Oh yeah!?" Yelled Sam as he swung the axe at McNard, chopping off his left
leg. McNard balances himself, Sam swings again, removing his right leg. McNard
falls to the ground, face first. He begins to push himself up, only to once
again feel the sharp blade, first once, then again. Both his arms were now
separate from the rest of him. Sam drags the rest of McNard's body into the
shack. He kicked a few floor boards out, and layed McNard in a hole he
dug earlier. "You Fuckin' bastard!!! You'll never fuckin' get away with this!
I'll kill you Sam!!!! I'll fuckin' kill you!!!" Screamed McNard. "Now, I
wouldn't want you to yell for help so..." Said Sam as he dug a knife out of
his pocket. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo....." Screamed McNard. Sam held
McNard's severed tongue between two fingers. "That should do it. Be thinking
of me while you lay there for the next millenia! HAHAHAHA!!!!" Laughed Sam as
he left the shack and headed for the airport. McNard lay there for the next
eighteen years until an earthquake swallowed him. Sam moved to Iran, where
he sells eyeglass frames and shoe repair kits. -----The End-----

Just Kidding! HAA HAA HAA!!!! :)
============================================================================
Ending Three

Sysop spit through the side of his mouth and pulled his Bulls cap over his
eyes, the sun was just overhead, blinding him. McNard readied his bottles
of hooch. Zombie held a picture of his collie close to his heart. The rest
of the group also mentally prepared themselves. Sysop turned to the others,
he was undoubtedly their leader. They patiently waited for his command. He
simply nodded his head, turned toward the winding road and began to walk.
The others joined him in this quest. Sysop came upon a tripline. He motioned
for the others to stop. Then he pulled his baseball bat out of his back-pack,
stood as far from the string as he could, and sung. The string broke off a
piece of wood on the left side of the road, but the trap failed. He and
Cyberpunk looked at the crude device. It was obviously meant to swing a large
tree-branch across the road, but the little bastard fucked it up. They
proceed. They walked with an irrie silence. There was no reson to talk. They
knew what they were here for. The bastard Sam must be stopped, fore if his
explosive worked, Sysop, and possibly the others may have been killed. And it
is known that Sam will not rest until Bit Haven is gone, and Sysop dead. For
this, the Bit Haven crew have sworn to put an end this maddness once and for
all. So here, in the middle-of-nowhere, they walk as one to revenge the evil
Sam bestowed upon them. The only evidence of there existance while they made
their journey was the steam that poured out of thier mouths with every breath.
Yet none of them paid attention to the freezing temperature, as if they were
oblivious to it. While this vengence is considered barbaric in modern times,
in thier hearts, Sysop and his posse know this is the right thing to do.
Suddenly, McNard broke the silence. "As we walk through the valley of the
shadow of death, we shall fear no evil, and once we have dealt the hand of
god to the bastard son of the devil, we shall dine with beer and wine in the
glorious company of beautiful women." He said while staring into the horizon.
"Yup." Said Sysop. Flame strightened his Lone-Star belt buckle, and inhaled
deeply. Their movements were so slight, they disturbed nothing, not even the
wildlife that stayed to brave the harsh, unyielding winter. "Hey McNard, isn't
that computer heavy?" Asked Sysop as he pointed to McNard's "weapon." The
Craptain looked slightly profound. "Lest you forget... I carry the strength
of Jesus and Satan. You know, I could be considered the lord's son." Said
McNard. "I wouldn't spread that idea around if I were you." Said T. "Mother
fuckin' son of a bitch!!!" Screamed McNard. "I thought all them fuckin'
things are supposed to fly south for the winter. The faggot bird just shit
on my fuckin' sleeve! Gimmy that shootin' iron!" Screamed McNard as he grabs
T's handgun. <BLLAAAAMMMM!!!> <SKWAAAK Thump> "YYYYYYIIIIEEEEEE HAAAAAA! Got
the fuckin' thing." Yelled McNard. Craptain gives the gun back to T. The
devious band of death proponents move on. "Hey, stop." Whispered Sysop, while
motioning those behind him to halt with one hand. "It's Sam. He's setting a
trap or something." Said Sysop. "I can hit him from here." Said McNard. "Do
it." Whispered Sysop, smiling. McNard puts his weapon on the ground, and pops
out the hard drive. He takes aim....THROWS.... <BONNNNNKKKKK!!! AAAAAACK!
THUD!> "Shit! You dropped him like a dead fish!" Said Cyberpunk. "Damn right,
it was a Quantum Bigfoot." Laughed McNard. The group ran up to Sam, he was
trying to get to his feet. "Ha ha ha ha. Look at the prick! Ha ha ha ha."
Laughed Zombie while standing over Sam. <Smack!> "OOOOOF! YOU FUCK!!!!!!"
Screamed Zombie. Sam cold-cocked him when he turned back. Zombie backs off a
little, draws his fag stick out of his belt, lubes it up and whipps Sam in the
face with it. The blow knocked him over, but he got to his feet and began to
run. "Let's get him!" Yelled Jen. "No, wait, let the sticken deer go weep, the
hart ungalled play, for some must watch while some must sleep. Thus runs the
world away." Said Sysop. "WHAT?!" Asked all. "Uh, sorry, I meant, let the
coward run, then we'll kill the fucker and we'll be free from his terror to
do what we wish." Said Sysop. "Okay." Said T. "I think he could use a
vacation and some prozac." Whispered Anna to Databit. They watch as Sam runs
around a curve with evergreen trees on either side, blocking their view, so
they all jog around the corner and spy Sam running into an old shack. "Okay,
McNard, you and Flame go around to the back, Anna, you Jen, and Zombie go to
the far side, and the rest of us will storm the front door." Said Sysop.
<BLAMMM! POP!> "Fuck! he's shooting at us!" Screamed Databit. T unholstered
his weapon, took aim at the window and.... <BLLLAAAAMMMM!!! BLLLAAMMMMMMMM!!>
"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Sam
from inside the shack. "Good shot, change of plan, McNard you and T go in
first, and the rest of us will move in when you get that gun away from him."
Said Sysop. "Let's fuckin' do it!" Yelled McNard as he took off toward the
shack, with T close behind, gun drawn. McNard runs into the shack and
confronts Sam. <BLLLLLAAAAAMMMMM!!!!> "You little bastard. You ruined my
shirt!" Screamed McNard while examining the bullethole Sam put in it. McNard
throws himself on top of Sam and wrestles the gun away from him. He jumps off
Sam, kicks him in the back and tosses the gun out the door opening. "It's
clear!" Yelled T to the others. They bolt to the shack. The sounds of crying
are evident. "Sam thinks he's hurt." Said McNard. "That's just the beginning."
Said Cyberpunk. Anna and Jen gang-up on Sam and take turns shocking him with
their stun guns until the batteries went dead. Sam lay there, in his own piss
and shit, legs and eyelids twitching, completely hairless, and bleeding from
several wounds. He tries to speak, "I...AAAAACCCCCCKKK!!! just want... you...
to know... I... EKACK! hate... you bastards. I'll kill WAAACH! you all!"
He passed out after he squeezed those damnable words from his wothless,
wretched, broken body.

Time Passes...

Sam awakens far from his hideout, in the tangled dead forest, that in spring
through fall florishes in spectacular life. He staggers to his feet, pushing
his bruised and burned body up laboredly. He darts around, nervously trying
to place himself. All he could see was the true bleakness that is winter.
It was lightly snowing so, in the distance, it appeared is if there was a
solid wall of white surrounding the naked trees. He looked above, but could
see only the gray-white overcast that shed the perfect flakes of mid-winter's
morn. He looked to his feet, and the ground surrounding, there were no tracks,
no footprints, no evidence that could explain his presence here. He began to
tremble in fear, the fear that drives so many skiers and hunters mad, that
eventually leads to their untimely demise. He began to walk. He knew not
where to begin, only that he must. That is the maddness, they don't really
know where they lead themselves, only that they feel the need to go. It is
often wondered whether they are consious of what they're doing. Prehaps it is
a natual survival instinct that leads to inevitable insanity. Once the body
is exhausted, it needs to rest, but when one exerts oneself, body heat is
quickly shed, and in such inhospitable temperatures, is not easily replaced.
Sam started running, bogging down in the snow, he pushes himself harder, he
began to feel the fatique, he felt the sharp pang of muscle cramps in his
stomach, while his legs and hands were completely numb. He lurches into the
snow, the soft bed of ice rushing up to meet him, Sam thinks, "why did I do
this, if I hadn't bothered Sysop, I might have lived, for now my body will
be as a lifeless vessel, my soul will move on to hell." Sam lay there,
surrounded in a blanket of white, he grows tired. Everything begins to drift
away from him, all his senses became distant, hollow, his thoughts became
tortured, for in death, he realized what he had done and why his ending was
fitting. As he closed his eyes for the last time, he whisperes, "I'm...Sorry."
Then, just like all life, his ended. The rest is silence.

Works for me... How about you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 48: Sysop's House

"You're all under arrest for the murder of Jeff Smitz, also known as, Sam
Smith." Said the homicide detective. The Bit Haven crew was handcuffed and
escourted into a police van and then taken to Judge Hangem's office.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 49: City Hall

"Your honor, these are the suspects." Said the pimple-faced deputy. "We'er
inoccent, your majesty." Said Zombie. <SMACK!> "Shut the fuck up, you little
bastard." Said McNard after he slapped him across the mouth. "You can leave
officer Stone." Said the judge to the deputy. The young pig leaves, closing
the door after him. "Now, it says here that you eleven assulted Sam Smith,
drove him out to the middle of nowhere, dumped him and left him for dead."
Said Hangem. "What fuckin' evidence do have to to support these wild
accusations?" Asked McNard. "Good question, well, a Quantum Bigfoot Hard Disk
Drive was found, with a piece of Sam's skin and your fingerprints, Mr. McNard.
We traced the serial numbers back to a personal computer that belonged to
Sam's parents, upon searching the victim's home, we found that the computer
was missing, and the house was severely trashed. We then talked to neigbors
who said they saw and hear nothing, but then we got an annoymous call from a
person who witnessed the break-in, and later witnessed the beating and
dumping. He fancies himself somewhat of a private investigator. He provided
pictures of your Suburban at Sam's home, and again at the scene of the crime.
So, I quess you're fucked." Said Hangem. "Wait... It's you! You're the judge
we had a year ago when Sam fucked my board last year." Said Sysop. The judge
just smiled. He gave Sysop a handful of photos. Sysop flipped through them
one at a time. The evidence was damning. "I- uh, WAIT! You got fired after
you fucked that fifteen year-old girl!" Yelled Sysop. "Right you are, lad. I
quess you're lucky the informant gave ME those photos and negetives. Those
pictures clearly show how you and your friends did malisiously, and willfuly,
caused the death of a human being, but, I really hate that bastard, so you're
free to go. Sysop and the others look at each other in astonishment. How is
this possible, they're not black, nor are they sports "heros" or movie stars.
And yet, they got away with murder. Go figure.

THE END

==========EPILOGUE==========

Sysop and Cyberpunk repaired the damage Sam did to Bit Haven.
Databit has a lawsuit pending over his "dick aisle."
McNard went to law school, was thrown out after a still exploded.
Zombie masturbated in front of judge Hangem, was beaten with gavel.
The informant was arrested for child molestation.
Flame tried to burn down the White House, but was shot at by Bill.
Freedom went back down to Columbia to supervise operations.
Anna divorced Jen over sexual issues and is starting to like men.
Jen was commited.
Cyberslut went on a rampage with credit cards, Sysop got drunk.
Sam decayed and became a breeding ground for sewer roaches, odd.
T was brought in for questioning about the so-called "candy thief" robberies.
Sam's parents moved to Tahiti.
 
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.

 

totse.com certificate signatures
 
 
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
Hot Topics
Will PS3 Survive?
War, war never changes
Life Size Warthog
Wii Games
Rock the 80's
dawn of war?
Can I get a free Xbox360?
PSP Slim Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core Edition
 
Sponsored Links
 
Ads presented by the
AdBrite Ad Network

 

TSHIRT HELL T-SHIRTS